“Why didn’t you ever kiss me, Josh?”

Her words came out like a whisper, caressing his skin as he hovered over her.

“I always wanted you to.”

Desire coursed through him at the sound of her admission.

“I haven’t been kissed in years.”

Her voice held a sensual quality, washing over him, weakening his resolve.

“I need to be kissed.”

Her small hand reached up, cupped the side of his face. He found himself leaning into it even as her hand moved up and around his neck. He closed his eyes as her fingers combed through his hair, not realizing until it was too late that she was pulling him closer.

Her soft, tentative lips moved against his, leaving him powerless. He responded to her kiss, and the tiny thread on which his control was hanging snapped in an instant.

Dear Reader

This story began fifteen years ago, long before I was aware of just how it could be used. I was a young teenager, experiencing first love, when my boyfriend was tragically killed in an accident. What followed was nothing short of heartbreak and pain, before I was eventually able to see that life went on regardless.

It was in 2013 that I finally realised my healing process had come to an end. In that moment, on what would have been his thirty-third birthday, I began to ask myself the question every writer asks: What if …? I wondered what life would have been like if only he hadn’t died that day. And so this novel was born.

It is not a biography by any means, but the story of two characters on a journey of grief and healing similar to my own. It was cathartic, writing Micah and Josh’s story. You can watch them grow together as they struggle with the pain of their past and manoeuvre their way through unknown territory and burgeoning new emotions.

Even when I felt it shouldn’t, life went on—the world kept spinning. It wasn’t the pain that defined me, but rather the way I handled it.

I have been writing for many years, but lacked the confidence to pursue my dreams. My first step after finishing my manuscript was to get it out there. Such was my motivation for entering So You Think You Can Write. You can imagine my surprise when I found out that the story so near and dear to my heart had won the public’s vote, awarding me a publishing contract.

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. And that you walk away inspired and encouraged by Micah’s story.

Tanya

If Only…

Tanya Wright

www.millsandboon.co.uk

TANYA WRIGHT knew from an early age that she wanted to write, but it wasn’t until this year that she decided to take it more seriously. In January she completed her first manuscript, and in March IF ONLY …, her second, was born. This year marks the fifteenth anniversary of the death of her own real-life Drew. That experience is what inspired her and gave her the courage and drive to write this story.

She wants to write real stories for real people who experience real struggles, and to offer them an escape from the mundane and a little bit of hope and a happily-ever-after.

Tanya is originally from Florida, but after completing her college degree in Boston she decided to stay. She’s close to her family, and their antics are what inspire many traits in her characters. She is in a constant state of creativity: writing, cake-decorating, painting and sewing. She loves serving in her church, where she sings in the worship band.

This is Tanya Wright’s first book for Modern Tempted™ and is also available in eBook format from www.millsandboon.co.uk

To the women in my life …

Mom, my #1 fan. Your strength and perseverance saw me through the toughest moments.

To my sisters, Jess and Shay. Outside of the moments of uncontrollable laughter and borderline insanity that provide me with excellent material you are my best friends and I could not have done any of this without you.

To my grandma for instilling in me the importance of dreaming big and going after those dreams.

To the heroes in my life—the men who set the bar high …

Dad, my anchor; my brothers, Aaron and Brandon, and Kade, my beautiful and amazing nephew.

And to my cousin Mark and my friend Chet for your help, regardless of time of day or the question’s stupidity.

Contents

Cover

Introduction

Dear Reader

Title Page

About the Author

Dedication

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Extract

Copyright

ONE

Wasn’t fire supposed to be fierce, unpredictable or even dangerous? Micah twirled a strand of her flame-colored hair, wondering how she had lost the spark associated with its vibrant strands. Had the flame been extinguished years ago, or had it been a slow, gradual fade?

She wasn’t even sure anymore. It was as if the last ten years had all been a lie. She had gone through the motions of healing, of moving on, only fooling herself into believing she was past it. But this semblance of a life was all a facade. It was obvious to her now. She had only buried the pain, denied its existence.

Until now.

Half a day spent lying in her bed had done nothing to comfort her like it should. She held the teddy bear Drew had given her close to her body, trying to capture any of its comforting magic, but sadly that too was failing to comfort her. On this dreary day in October, it seemed nothing could assuage the pain. It was like a fresh wound all over again.

Her phone signaled an incoming text message. Josh’s name appeared on the screen.

Just wanted to check in on you. Make sure you’re doing ok. Text me back <3

She ignored it, just as she had ignored all the others she had received today. She didn’t want to talk to him yet. As her closest friend, Josh had been her distraction, the one who pulled her from depression and back to the land of the living. She knew he would try to shake her from her reverie and she didn’t want that. Instead she chose to stay lost in her memories for just a little longer.

Throwing her phone aside, Micah decided this pity party needed to be taken up a notch. She rolled out of bed, slipped into a pair of obnoxious but oh-so-comfortable slippers and made her way to the kitchen. Catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror on the way, she stopped to take note of her once flawless, porcelain skin, now a ghostly shade of white. She looked hollow and empty. Dark circles surrounded her sad eyes. She was in a pathetic state. The last two months of depression had taken a toll on her. Her recent weight gain and carelessness with her appearance did not help the picture before her, but it was an accurate reflection of what she felt on the inside.

Continuing to the kitchen, she headed straight to the freezer, where a pint of her favorite ice cream was stashed behind bags of frozen vegetables. She had known in advance the ice cream would be needed. Sabina, her roommate, was out running errands and would be gone for a little while longer—just enough time to start a crime-drama marathon while enjoying her frozen vice without judgment.

But based on the disapproving look on Sabina’s face two hours later, judgment was what she received.

“What’s going on?” Sabina’s eyes took in everything, her finger hooking the rim of the empty carton of ice cream, lifting it for further examination. “Please tell me you didn’t eat this entire thing by yourself. And what’s with the pajamas? Did you just get out of bed?”

Micah searched her mind for something to say to defend herself against the barrage of accusations, but she had nothing. She was guilty of all the above.

“You’ve got to snap out of it, Micah. I know you’re hurting right now. But this has got to end, and preferably soon.”

“Well, it won’t be today. How can I not think about him on a day like this?”

“There’s a difference, though. The rest of us are celebrating his life, while you...while you’ve been acting like he just died. It’s been ten years.” Sabina threw her hand up in exasperation. “Come on. We don’t have time to debate this now. You’re in desperate need of a shower and we’re supposed to meet everyone in two hours.”

* * *

The bright city lights, wailing sirens, honking horns, aggressive drivers fighting through traffic, the slight fish smell left over from market—things that others might complain about. But for Micah it all signified one thing—Boston, her home. She loved every single bit of it: every angry Irishman, Italian mobster, historical landmark and, not to be forgotten, blessed lobstah.

Micah and her four friends—Josh, Sabina, Hanna and Jamie—walked the streets of Boston as if they owned the city. Of course, Sabina, a model, probably thought she did. And Hanna probably could in a few years, at the rate she was going. Micah was definitely the odd one out in this successful, good-looking group, but she had put her best foot forward tonight in a worthy attempt to fit in with them.

It was a Friday night and the city was alive despite the dropping temperatures. As they crossed the busy street together, sounds of Boston’s nightlife came out to greet them. Already-drunk college students littered the streets. One girl in particular stood out as she yelled at every passing taxi, “Do you have a breath mint? Does anyone have a freakin’ breath mint?” What the heck? People were just downright crazy!

This wasn’t Micah’s scene, but it was a sacred night, hence the heels, fancy top and false eyelashes she’d been talked into wearing. It was probably the first time she had dressed up since last October. Her feet were already killing her in these shoes. Sabina always had a way of talking her into something she knew she would regret later.

When going out in public with someone as beautiful as her roommate, you had two choices. You could dress up, join her and pray you didn’t stick out like a sore thumb, or give up entirely and throw on the yoga pants that had never actually been to a yoga class. Three hundred and sixty-four days of the year Micah chose to give up before she started and donned the yoga pants.

“Gawd, I love this city at night! Why don’t we do this anymore?” Sabina twirled as she walked, arms wide open, head thrown back. She stumbled a little in her four-inch heels on the uneven cobblestone, but Jamie was quick to catch her.

“Because we have jobs and lives and because only college students and creepy old people hit up this part of Boston on a Friday night.”

“If you are going to have any hope of fun tonight, you’re going to have to change that attitude of yours,” Hanna said as she pursed her lips and quirked her eyebrows.

“My attitude? I don’t have an at—” Okay, maybe she did. “It doesn’t matter, anyway. I don’t plan on having any fun tonight. So there.” What was she? Five?

“It’s Drew’s night. Fun is a requirement.”

“I never agreed to that rule.” She looked over at Jamie. Although he was Drew’s cousin, they had been more like brothers. She knew out of everyone that he would understand. But in his typical quiet-guy fashion, he shrugged his shoulders, telling her she was on her own.

“C’mon, Micah. Drew lived for stuff like this, so if we’re really going to honor his memory like we have for years, then we need to have fun. You included. This is what he would have wanted and you know it.”

“He would not want a droopy-faced, depressed version of his Micah,” Josh said as he put his arm around her to soften his words. “I know these anniversaries are hard on you, but you’ve made it through nine already. What’s so different about this one? You can do it. I know you can.”

Micah couldn’t refute that. She had done just fine these last ten years. So why was this one so hard on her?

The crisp Boston air sent a chill through her body. She pulled her coat up higher around her neck and buried in closer to Josh, allowing his sheer size to block the cold October winds whipping between the buildings.

“Cold?” Josh asked as he pulled her closer and moved his hand up and down her arm in an effort to warm her. “You care to explain why you ignored all my texts today?”

“Not really.”

“So you don’t deny it?”

“No. I was ignoring you.”

“How much ice cream did you eat today?”

“None of your business.”

“What am I going to do with you?” He kept his arm around her and flashed her one of his smiles.

“I may need to rethink my vice, though. I think I’ve put on five pounds in the last couple months. Even my stretchy pants are starting to feel snug.”

“Now that’s just bad.”

“Shut up. It’s a sensitive subject.”

Josh’s deep laughter rumbled through his chest, but he got the hint and stopped talking about it.

Every sixth of October the five of them went to the same pub in downtown Boston. They would toast to the memory of Drew and talk about favorite memories, but Micah sensed this year would be different. She couldn’t quite figure out what had changed until they sat down around their usual table and ordered a round of drinks. Scanning the faces of her closest friends, she knew then that Sabina had been right. They had moved on while she was still stuck—stuck in her painful memories.

The truth hit her like a ton of bricks. She had been living in denial. It was a comfortable and easy place to live. Never addressing reality. Never addressing the pain. Never allowing herself to truly grieve the loss of her first love—her only love.

Jamie raised his glass. “Here’s to Drew.”

Five glasses lifted in unison as she wondered if they all knew what she had just come to realize. Did they know she hadn’t dealt with her grief? Were they okay with that? She continued to watch them. It was if they were all thinking the same thing: What now?

The guys turned their attention to the game playing on the TVs around them. The girls were playing with their phones. For a moment Micah wondered if this might be the last of the tradition she held so sacred.

Hanna’s phone buzzed. “I’ve got to take this. I’ll be right back.”

Sabina had been whisked away by a group of guys, while Josh had seen some friends at the bar, leaving Jamie and Micah alone. Silence stretched between them. Running her finger across the top of her glass, she wasn’t sure what to say. Her mind was still trying to grasp its latest discovery.

Her mother had taken her to a counselor when the tragedy first happened. The counselor hadn’t said much, just listened while Micah talked through the emotions that were affecting every area of her life. She’d walked away from the session deciding she wouldn’t let the pain control her anymore.

Micah had been certain that her grief could be controlled and normalcy restored. So every year, she allowed herself a period of time to grieve. There was no point in thinking about it or dwelling on it all the time. By limiting herself she was able to ignore the pain until eventually she became numb to it. That was how she had survived.

But as the ten-year anniversary approached, she’d sensed this one would be a more difficult to get through, and allowed herself some extra time. However, she’d failed to anticipate the extent of just how difficult it would be. Thoughts of what her life could have been, what she and Drew might have been doing now.

Micah caught Jamie looking down at his watch. “You have somewhere to be?”

“Actually, yeah. I’ve got a ton of work to do back at the house.” He dragged his hand down his face. He looked physically and emotionally drained.

“On a Friday night?”

“Yeah. On a farm, my job is never ending. Sorry to do this to you, but I really should go.”

“Fine. Go.”

He pressed a quick kiss on her cheek and headed out. Micah shook her head. Jamie was the last one she’d expected to cut out on this ritual. If Jamie could give up on it so easily, then maybe this faithful five wasn’t as indestructible as she had once thought.

The fact that he had bailed on this commitment, this promise they had made, poured anger into her cocktail of raging emotions. Sure, by now they should all have moved on. But show some respect. This was a tradition among friends. Sacred. It was honoring the memory of a friend they all held dear. But now they acted as if Drew didn’t matter to them anymore. Was she the only one who felt this cavernous hole where he’d once existed?

Of course, she had been oblivious to it until recently. Numb to the pain that had festered over time. And just when she had let it out, it was like a snowball, building and building until her grief was out of control. She took a deep swallow of her drink and finished it off, then reached for the ones Hanna and Sabina had left behind.

Years ago, her sadness had seemed like something she could handle with a modicum of ease. So where had she gone wrong? Somewhere along the way, her desire to control the pain had stifled her grieving process. Things that should have been dealt with years ago had been left unaddressed.

Everything was out of hand. She had lost control. Control of her grief, her emotions, her life.

Enough was enough. It had been ten years. Tomorrow it would end. She would make it. Maybe finally addressing the denial and the postponed grief was a good thing. She needed to clear it from her system. She would allow herself one more night of sadness, top it off with a lot of drinking, and tomorrow she would put a stop to this once and for all. No more. Tomorrow she would take her life back.

Her eyes scanned the pub for her other friends. Sabina and Josh were the group’s token flirts. They had captivated the room, their good looks and irresistible charm creating quite a stir. Sabina’s exotic beauty demanded attention everywhere they went.

Josh didn’t have to move. He stood next to the bar and the women flocked all around him like vultures sinking their claws into their prey. Little did they know, Josh was far from being prey. Beware, ladies. Beware.

When the waitress brought the appetizers to the table, Micah ordered another drink. People always said you could drown your sorrows in alcohol, and tonight seemed like a good enough time to try.

Josh came back over to the table. “Where did everyone go?”

“Hanna had to take a call. Sabina is over there, and Jamie left.”

“He left?” Josh appeared to be just as upset as she was.

“Yup.”

“Real cool.” Josh seemed to study her. He had a way of doing that. He could have her figured out in minutes and she hated it. “What’s with you?”

She shrugged her shoulders. There just wasn’t an easy answer. She had a tendency to bottle up her emotions, and tonight it seemed as though the bottle was full and running over.

She envied her friends. They seemed to have their acts together, and were experiencing so much more in life than she was. She hadn’t seen it until now. Everything in her life was safe—her job, her friends. She steered away from new friendships, new relationships, new opportunities. Outside of her comfort zone she was susceptible, vulnerable. Her friends had been experiencing life while she was safe in her comfortable cocoon, far from things that could hurt her.

Now all that she had overlooked or failed to deal with had come back to haunt her. She wanted to feel alive again, not the life of denial she had been living, but like her friends had.

“You should probably slow down on the drinks. I’ve never seen you drink this much. I wouldn’t even know how to handle you if you got drunk.”

Micah looked down at another empty glass. How many had it been? Who was counting, anyway? “Well, you’re about to find out. I cannot be held responsible for my actions tonight.”

“Oh, jeez.”

“Hey, that girl over there keeps checking you out.”

“Yeah. So?”

“So, I’ve seen you look at her, too. You should go talk to her.”

“Can’t. I’m talking to you.”

“So I’m the lucky one tonight?”

“Guess so.” His piercing gray eyes were trained on her. Evaluating her. She must have passed. “Wanna play a game?”

“A game?”

“Yeah. It’s kind of a game.”

“Like what?”

“Let’s try and read people based off of what they’re drinking.”

She hoped he could read the perplexity on her face. Was he being serious?

“Come on. It will be fun.”

“Okay. You start.”

“Okay, see that guy over there? The one in the red shirt? Watch him. He was just looking at the list of margaritas, but put it away after he noticed the hot bartender. Fifty dollars says he orders whiskey straight.”

“Oh, so now this is turning into a money game? Okay, you’re on.”

Micah watched as the bartender handed the man in the red shirt a shot glass filled with amber liquid. He sat it down in front of him, where it remained untouched.

“Why isn’t he drinking it?”

“He can’t handle it. That’s why he was looking at the margarita list.”

She rolled her eyes. This is dumb.

Josh took a long draw from his beer as a beautiful woman sauntered past their table, flashing him a come-and-get-me smile. Micah sat there with her mouth hanging open at the audacity of the woman. Was Micah really so irrelevant that the woman didn’t consider her to be with Josh? She wasn’t, but still. Seriously? Josh smiled back but moved on. His eyes moved back to the bar, past the man with the untouched shot of whiskey, scanning the other patrons.

“Okay, it’s your turn.”

“No. I’m not any good at this.”

“Okay...see the bombshell at the end of the bar?” Micah’s eyes narrowed as he accentuated the word bombshell. “She’s been nursing that Corona for about half an hour now. She’s alone, looking good and drinking light? I can almost guarantee that she has no intentions of leaving this bar alone tonight. She’ll start throwing them back more heavily once some guy starts buying them for her. Then she’ll pretend she doesn’t want to go anywhere, but if some lucky guy reads the signs right he’ll know that Miss Corona-with-Lime is ready to roll.”

“You are crazy. Do you always do this?” She watched as he shrugged his broad shoulders and nursed his Sam Adams. “What about me? What do my drinks say?”

“Well...your drinks tell me a couple of things. One, the variety of your drinks tells me that you steal people’s drinks and don’t pay for your own. And second, they say you won’t remember any of what I just said, anyway.”

“Well, then...why don’t you go buy one for Miss Corona-with-Lime? She’s already looked over here twice.” She was feeling saucy tonight. Josh noticed. Quirked his eyebrow, and gave her a smile.

“Someone has to keep you from making bad decisions tonight.”

“And you’re volunteering?”

“For now. As soon as you start to drive me nuts, I’m bailing.”

“Good to know I have such a great friend to count on in my time of need.”

“Any time.”

The alcohol was definitely starting to go to her head, making her feel all tingly and disjointed. Josh was starting to look a little hazy as he sat across from her giving her the most puzzling looks. He really was beautiful, reminded her of an iron sculpture in a way—masculine, rough, hard edges, but beautiful nonetheless. Even his eyes were metallic in essence: an odd shade of gray, sometimes taking on blue, sometimes green. Women seemed to love them. She found them piercing and cold. She had always preferred blue eyes, like Drew’s were.

A vivid memory swept over her. She gulped down the last of her drink and signaled for another. Josh looked as if he was about to ditch her. “Don’t leave me.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want guys bothering me.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. They’ll stay far away from you as long as you keep flashing that evil scowl. I think you are scaring everyone in this place, including me. I just need to get some water, and I have no idea where our waitress has run off to. I will be right back.”

The more she drank, the more she remembered. The more she remembered, the more she drank, an endless cycle of tequila and haunting memories. She and Drew had been high-school sweethearts, planning on forever. She hadn’t just lost her boyfriend that night. She’d lost the love of her life, the kids they would have had, the dream house and the hand that would have held hers as they grew old together. That accident had robbed her of her chance at happiness, stripped her of every dream and desire in one tragic move.

Oh, gawd. She was even starting to annoy herself. This was just pathetic. The tequila wasn’t working. It was only making it worse.

“Micah, you’re not looking so good.”

Well, Josh, you are starting to look really good.

Oh, my! Where did that come from?

Josh’s hand cupped her chin, lifting her face until she looked him in the eye. “How many have you had?”

“That’s irrelevant. Do you know Drew would have been twenty-eight? Can you believe that?”

“Yeah. It’s hard to imagine.”

“It’s like his image has been frozen in time. Forever eighteen.”

“Come on. We need to get you home.”

“I am fine, Josh. I am not drunk yet. I promise.”

“Are you kidding me? You’re wasted, like legit wasted. Can’t believe I didn’t stop you before now. You never drink. What’s gotten into you?” His hand wrapped around her arm, urging her to stand and helping her into her coat.

She didn’t get drunk. She was too much of a lady to act like the common drunken college students who littered this place. Then again, she had consumed a lot. Now that she thought about it, maybe she was drunk, because she could not remember just how many drinks she had had. The room tilted and she was forced to grab Josh for support. Maybe he was right. All she knew was her plan hadn’t worked; she hadn’t drunk enough to forget.

TWO

Josh had taken Micah all the way back to her apartment before realizing she had left her purse and keys at the bar.

“I just miss him so much, Josh.” Micah had been talking like this since they left the pub. This new version of her was getting old fast. Thankfully, this was her first attempt at what he would classify as “escaping the pain.” Although judging by her slurred words on the way home, it hadn’t worked.

She wasn’t in a good state of mind. It was time someone intervened. And as her best friend, it seemed the responsibility fell in his lap. But now wasn’t the time. He’d talk to her tomorrow.

“I know. We all do.”

“But you weren’t going to marry him. I was. You weren’t in love with him. Were you, Josh? I would understand if you were. He was gorgeous.”

Where was this all coming from? She hadn’t talked this way in years. Until recently, she had appeared normal. He’d never once wondered if she was still hung up on Drew. But since this anniversary started looming over her head, she’d become this depressing, weepy mess that everyone was getting tired of quickly.

“No. We were just friends, Micah. I prefer women.”

He would just go with it for now. What else could he do at this point?

“Yeah, he preferred women, too...maybe too much. One time I caught him kissing another girl.”

That was news to Josh. He had always suspected something, but never thought Drew would be stupid enough to cheat on Micah. Josh mentally cursed his dead friend.

“I always thought we would kiss. You know...you and me. Why haven’t you ever kissed me?”

Josh’s head jerked in Micah’s direction, accidentally turning the wheel with him. They both whipped back and forth as he tried to get his truck under control.

“Whoa! I think I’m gonna be sick. Can you not drive so crazy?” She let her head fall back on the headrest and closed her eyes.

What the—? Did she just say what he thought she just said? His eyes kept going back and forth from the road to her.

She sat up again, her eyes big and round and full of sadness. “I just miss him so much, and no one else does. I just can’t stand it anymore.” Micah burst into tears. The mopey drunk had turned into a weepy drunk right in front of his eyes.

This was getting ridiculous. Okay, maybe it was far past that point already. Either way, he wasn’t sure how much longer he could put up with this depressed version of his best friend. And where was this talk about kissing coming from? It all had caught him off guard.

Twelve years ago, when he first met Micah, she was this vibrant ball of fireworks, red hair blazing with the personality to match. After the accident, after they graduated high school, she had disappeared, too caught up in her grief to socialize much. It was understandable. They’d all felt the same way. When college came around, they were thrown together in some of the same courses, and the rest was history. He helped pull her from her despair even though she had never quite returned to her former self.

He turned to peek at her again. Okay, so maybe he was wrong. He hadn’t cured her completely. His eyes briefly took in the tearstained cheeks before he turned his attention back to the road.

He needed to see her restored again. Not just to the way she had been these past ten years, but to the vibrant and feisty person she was before Drew.

It probably didn’t help that she never dated. For a long time he’d thought maybe she was crushing on him, and now after her little confession... That was beside the point. She’s drunk. It’s all nonsense.

He parked the car, thankful that there was a spot close to the building. Micah was a weepy mess, forcing him to help her up the three flights of stairs. She owed him big!

He couldn’t get to his keys, and every time he let go of her she started to fall over. Her body leaned heavily against his, her soft fragrance overwhelming his senses. Ever since she’d made that remark in the truck, he couldn’t stop thinking about kissing her. By this point he was just flat-out frustrated. On all levels.

Putting his firefighter training to use, he flung her limp body over his shoulder, reached for his keys and opened the door. Yeah, he deserved a steak dinner after this...at the very least.

Finally getting into his bedroom, he wanted to throw her onto the bed. She was too far gone for it to bother her. She deserved the couch after the way she had been acting lately, driving everyone insane with her late-onset depression, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that to her. She would have a killer hangover in the morning. That was punishment enough for being such a pain in his butt lately.

His phone vibrated in his back pocket. Pulling it out, he saw Sabina’s name on the top of the screen.

“Hey. Did you find her stuff?”

“Yeah. I’ve got it.”

“She’s already passed out at my place, so don’t worry about getting it to her now.”

“Is she going to be okay, Josh?” Sabina’s voice was marked with concern, the same concern he had felt recently.

“I don’t know. I hope so. It might be time for a harsh reality check if she doesn’t get her act together soon.”

“As tough as that sounds, I agree.”

They said their goodbyes and hung up. Josh had a lot to think about tonight. How did he tell his best friend to quit being depressed? He knew he couldn’t, but there had to be a way to help. Maybe after tonight she would be fine and he would never have to bring it up. At least that was what he was hoping for.

He looked back at her sleeping form as she lay on his bed. He sat down next to her and pulled her feet into his lap. She was wearing these ridiculous strappy heels that looked a little on the freaky side. He was sure they belonged to Sabina. Micah would never purchase something as complicated as these. It took him a moment, but he figured out how to unfasten each buckle and tugged them off her feet. He struggled with her in such a passed-out state, but he finally got her out of her jacket, too. He pulled the covers back and over her, tucking them close to her. He brushed the curls back from her face and took a moment to study her in such a rare, peaceful state.

“Why have you become so intent on holding on to a ghost, Micah? Tell me that. When will you finally be free of him?”

Josh leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. Tomorrow would be difficult, forcing her to face some hard truths. He hoped he would not lose his friend because of it. Oh, he prayed it would never come to that.

“Josh?” She sounded so small and fragile when she spoke.

“Yes?”

“Hold me.”

He had always been putty in her hands, would do anything for her. Over the years, he had learned to control his feelings for her, to tamp down the desire he felt. It almost became easy after a while; dating other women helped refocus all of that pent-up energy, leaving him free to be what Micah needed him to be. But he was a man, after all, a red-blooded man, and his control could only withstand so much. Those two little words threatened to unravel years of hard work.

But how could he deny her? He leaned over her while his mind and body battled it out.

Her eyes slowly opened, the full force of her warm brown gaze hitting him hard. Her pink lips parted ever so slightly. She had no idea the seductive power she had over him.

“Why didn’t you ever kiss me, Josh?”

Her words came out like a whisper, caressing his skin as he hovered over her.

“I always wanted you to.” Desire coursed through him at the sound of her admission.

“I haven’t been kissed since Drew. I haven’t even been on a date, really. I don’t count that guy I lost the bet to.” Her voice held a sensual quality, washing over him, weakening his resolve. “I don’t need a man when I have you...but I do need to be kissed.”

There was too much at stake. He couldn’t risk losing her. He couldn’t risk hurting her.

Her small hand reached up, cupped the side of his face. He found himself leaning into it even as her hand moved up and around his neck. He closed his eyes as her fingers combed through his hair, not realizing until it was too late that she was pulling him closer.

Her soft, tentative lips moved against his, leaving him powerless. He responded to her kiss; the tiny thread on which his control was hanging snapped in an instant. Years of restrained passion ignited as he deepened the kiss.

The ferocious intensity of the need he felt building within caused him to rein it in. And as he did, sanity returned. He ended the kiss abruptly, realization dawning on him. Micah’s eyes were wide in shock, her breathing ragged as she lay pinned beneath him. He looked down to find his hand on her breast.

He muttered a curse as he jumped up from the bed and left the room in a hurry. With the offending hand clenched in a fist, he prayed she was too drunk to ever remember what had just happened. It would ruin everything!

* * *

Micah lay there, stunned. The fog suddenly cleared. Time had stopped. Her breathing halted, or maybe she was breathing faster than normal. She couldn’t tell.

She had been vaguely aware of Josh as his large frame hovered over her, his face close to her own. She had seen his tongue as it peeked out ever so slightly and wet his lips. His gaze pinned to her mouth. Micah had acted on instinct, not fully aware of her own actions.

Then, bam!

She wanted to blame it on her vivid imagination or her wasted mind-set. None of this was real, and that kiss...

Oh, that kiss! Her body was still humming from the intensity of that kiss.

No. There was no way her imagination could have come up with a kiss like that. Her rapidly beating heart spoke volumes in and of itself.

She felt so much at the moment: desire, heat and...guilt? Drew’s face plastered at the forefront of her mind. Her stomach turned.

Micah’s head decided it hurt too much to think right now. She longed for sleep and prayed good dreams would come and steal her from reality and the inevitable hangover that she was already dreading. Why did she think tequila had been a good idea in the first place?

Closing her eyes, she buried herself under the covers and let herself fall under the spell slumber provided.

* * *

The smell of fall surrounded her. Micah couldn’t quite define it, but if she could bottle it she would. It was crisp and fresh and automatically brought images of falling leaves and apple picking. And no one did fall the way New England did. The air was just cool enough to require a jacket, but still nice enough that she and her friends could spend the evening outdoors.

Her hair whipped in the wind, and in this moment of sheer contentment, she allowed it. Pulling the tie from her hair, she let it go wild and free. Drew’s beautiful blue eyes lit up as he watched.

“Oh, Micah O’Shea.” His voice had a deep, grizzled quality as he said her name.

“What?”

“You know I love when you let your hair down.” His voice was just above a whisper as he reached out and grasped a piece between his fingers. “The color is breathtaking.”

Her cheeks grew warm and she silently cursed herself for it. Her ivory skin had an awful habit of turning a splotchy shade of crimson at times. She could feel it happening now.

“Do you two always have to make googly eyes at each other like that?” Jamie’s voice broke their little moment like a baseball bat connecting with crystal. That was Jamie.

“You’re just jealous,” Sabina chimed in from the tailgate of Jamie’s pickup truck. That’s what best friends were for—always had one another’s backs.

“Thanks for the birthday dinner, guys. You didn’t have to do that.” Drew leaned back in the grass on his elbows and crossed his legs at the ankles.

“Yeah, right. You’d kick our butts if we didn’t.” Josh threw a football at Drew, forcing him to sit back up in a hurry. They all laughed at the truth of that statement. The six of them did everything together, therefore every birthday was mandatory.

Micah curled into Drew’s side as he settled back in the grass. She loved listening to his laughter rumble deep in his chest every time the guys said something funny. He smelled like fresh laundry and his cologne. She had bought a small bottle of it and put some on the teddy bear he had won for her last year at the fair. She slept with it every night, breathing in his scent. She knew it was pathetic, and would be mortified if anyone ever found out.

The two of them remained that way until the sky grew dark. She loved looking at the stars, but tonight the sky was too cloudy to see anything but a dark midnight-gray sky.

“Is that a star?” He pointed straight up.

“Where? I think you’re seeing things. I can’t see anything.”

“It probably isn’t.” His laugh rumbled beneath her. She felt him kiss the top of her head. He was always doing little things like that, small actions that made her feel precious, loved. His hand gently rubbed back and forth along her back. It was soothing. She could fall asleep here in the grass, in his arms. She could spend forever with him like this.

“I love you,” she murmured into his neck.

“I love you, too.”

They were completely lost in one another. Their friends were still there, not paying any attention to them, just as the two of them were not paying any attention to the others. He lifted her hand from his chest and placed a warm kiss to her palm, cradling it to his cheek. Yes, she could stay like this forever.

The cool night air drifted over them. Everyone had become so quiet that it was easy to hear the leaves rustling around them, the small town below them settling down for the night. It was beautiful. Magical. It was a memory that would forever be imprinted on her mind. Embraced in the arms of the one she loved, surrounded by friends who were always there—yes, a memory to last a lifetime.

She wasn’t sure how long they were there. Time just seemed to stop for the six of them. A tiny droplet hit her forehead. At first, she wondered if it was from the trees above them, but then another followed. The droplets grew in size and intensity, bringing an end to their magical night.

Drew yelled his thanks to everyone as they all dashed to their cars to escape the downpour. Micah ran to Drew’s car. She ducked down into the low seat as he scrambled to the other side.

The October air was already crisp; the added rain only compounded the chill. She shivered and pulled her jacket tighter as Drew fumbled with the heat controls.

“It should warm up quickly.” Drew maneuvered the car back to the road and headed in the direction of her house. She felt guilty that he had to take her all the way back to her house when his was right there, but he had insisted on driving her.

The rain was coming down in sheets, making it nearly impossible to see past the windshield. Suddenly she was worried about Drew. “Are you all right driving in this?”

“I’ll be fine.”

He reached out for her hand and gave her a look she knew well. “I could always stay the night, though.”

“Yeah, my parents would love that.”

“It was worth a try.”

He pulled into her driveway and turned off the car. They sat there in silence for a while, neither one wanting to end the night. He still held her hand, pulling her closer as he went in for a kiss over the center console. She loved kissing him. He knew how to kiss, how to use his lips. Of course, she had nothing else to compare to, but she was positive he was one of the best. She didn’t want to consider how he got so good, instead just reveled in the fact that she was the one he was kissing now.

His hand began to roam. She needed to get closer, needed more of him, but the console was in the way. Seriously?

He unzipped her jacket, his hand moving toward the hem of her sweater. It slipped under and his cool hands met her warm flesh. It felt good, too good. Red flags began to wave. Sirens began to sound.

No. Not yet.

“I told you already. I’m not ready. Why must you always push it?”

“I’m sorry. I just figured...”

“What? It’s your birthday, so you can get away with it?”

“No...”

“Save it. Happy birthday, Drew.” She opened the car door. Rain and cold air slapped her in the face. She ran toward the front porch, not looking back. She heard his car start again and the tires peeling out onto the road. She had made him mad, but oh well. He had made her mad, too. This conversation had become too familiar. She didn’t understand why he kept pushing it.

THREE

A continual throb at her temples pounded out a beat any drum line would be proud of. The gentle sway back and forth had her wondering how she had ended up on a boat. Did she even know anyone with a boat?

Slowly, ever so slowly, she attempted to pry her eyes open. The stickiness proved that last night’s choice to layer up the mascara and falsies had been a bad idea.

Micah was too afraid to open her eyes, not wanting to experience the piercing pain the bright morning light would bring.

Drew had visited her in her dreams and it made her feel as if she was seventeen all over again. It was as if the years that had passed had ceased to exist. No death, no pain. She didn’t want to open her eyes and face the inevitable disappointment. But last night she’d made a promise to herself. This was going to stop. She needed to snap out of it.

With a groan, she rolled over and stretched. The fogginess slowly began to dissipate as she opened her eyes, leaving a clear view of...not her room. Gradually, she began to recognize her surroundings. She had helped pick out that mirror. And that dresser, too.

It was Josh’s room.

The smell of tequila and smoke rose up from her clothes and memories of last night came crashing back as thoughts of her dream faded away.

Josh. She had kissed Josh.

The memory of his lips upon hers was permanently engraved in her brain. Who could forget a kiss like that? Whether she was drunk or not, those lips were unforgettable.

How embarrassing! She threw a pillow over her head. This couldn’t be happening. What was she supposed to do? Apologize? Act as if it hadn’t happened? Laugh it off? There had been a lot of alcohol involved. It could easily be swept under the rug.

The smell, coming from the clothes she had worn the night before, turned her stomach. She threw the covers aside and bolted from the bed, making a mad dash to the bathroom. Immediately, she hugged the porcelain bowl, cursing herself for last night’s stupidity.

A soothing hand made circles on her back, easing some of the sickness.

“Good. You’re awake.”

Josh’s voice was a balm to her frazzled state. Her head hurt too much to look up at him.

“Do you want me to get you anything?”

She couldn’t summon the strength to answer.

“Sorry. I can’t stay in here or else I’m going to be pushing you aside so that I can puke. Call me if you need something.”

Minutes later, she finally pulled herself away from the toilet, having dispensed of everything and then some. Desperately needing water, she made her way to the kitchen. Josh had such a nice place for a guy. Of course, she had helped with most of it. He’d wanted the apartment to have a woman’s touch without having to invest in a relationship that came attached to a woman.

As she rounded the corner to the kitchen, Josh came into view. Their gazes locked. An onslaught of images from last night’s impromptu but very passionate kiss returned to the forefront of her mind. Heat rushed from her toes to the top of her head with lightning speed. She could feel the crimson flush as it stretched across her face, down her neck and across her chest.

Micah could see it in his eyes. He was thinking about the kiss, too. She should look away, but she couldn’t. His steel-gray eyes held her captive. She allowed herself to break the eye contact for just a moment, taking in his fire-station tee and the way it left little to the imagination. Her eyes traveled back up to his and he quickly looked away.

He stood behind the black granite countertop making coffee, the delicious-smelling aroma pulling her from her overheated thoughts. Without having to ask, he handed her a cup as well as a bottle of water. He knew her so well.

“Sorry about last night.” She cringed as the words spilled out of her mouth, her voice sounding more like a croak. Sorry seemed like such an inadequate word to cover all her transgressions. She was mortified at the boundaries she had crossed.

She sat at the kitchen table, her hands wrapped around the modern handleless coffee cup, and absorbed its warmth. Sending up a quick but heartfelt prayer, she hoped that her actions from last night had not done any permanent damage to their relationship.

“Don’t mention it.” He was busy with something in the kitchen, she couldn’t tell what from her spot.

Micah tried to make sense of everything. Some fogginess still resided from her drunken haze, clouding her mind. She struggled to separate dream from reality. But regardless, the kiss she’d initiated was bold and clear. Nothing about that was clouded.

“Why do you keep looking at me like that?” Josh snapped at her.

“Like what? I’m not looking at you.”

“Yes, you are. It’s weirding me out. Stop.”

So he was going to avoid the issue at hand. Good. She didn’t want to talk about it, anyway.

Plopping down across from her at the table, he poured half the box of cereal into what appeared to be a small mixing bowl.

“I have no idea what you are talking about. Jeez! You gonna save me any?”

“It’s my cereal. I can eat it all if I want to.”

“You’d do that to your guest?” Her head was pounding and this conversation wasn’t helping. Eating might not be such a good idea, anyway.

“Guest? Um...you left me no choice. You were obliterated last night. If you hadn’t lost your purse, I would have happily taken you to your own place.”

She looked up from her coffee and immediately regretted the quick movement. The room began to spin again. She needed to lie back down, not argue about cereal.

It was his way of avoiding an embarrassing conversation. The cereal was unimportant.

“You’ve got something—” He waved his hand over his cheek.

Puzzled, she waited for him to finish.

“You’ve got—” He reached out. Her body went rigid as his hand touched her cheek. Then he ripped something off her face. “It’s an eyelash from last night.”

After flicking the wayward false eyelashes onto the table, he turned his attention back to his cereal.

She was still locked out of her apartment, so this place would have to do for now, at least until this feeling of being on a rocking ship subsided.

“Josh, I need to lie back down. I don’t feel so good.” Her bare feet shuffled against the old hardwood floors as she made her way back to his room. The smell of last night’s bar still clung to her shirt: the smoke, the booze, the other miscellaneous smells that went along with a pub. “And I’m stealing a T-shirt.”

“Why not? You’ve taken over everything else.”

Slipping out of her clothes, she pulled on a vintage band tee she found in his dresser, relishing in the way the cool cotton felt against her warm skin. She dove under the covers and buried her head in the pillow. The unsettling feeling of being surrounded by Josh washed over her, his scent clawing her senses. She had helped him pick out the fragrance, too. Even in her tequila haze she could easily pull out the notes of bergamot, Douglas fir and citrus. It was him, completely him.

Until now, she had not realized just how much his scent had affected her. Memory of last night’s kiss teased her senses once again. She buried herself deeper, needing more of it, needing more of him.

When had this happened? When had she stopped looking at Josh as a friend or a brother? She was positive this kind of traitorous behavior was punishable by death. One did not simply move on from a deceased boyfriend to his best friend, even if a significant amount of time had passed. And it definitely wasn’t wise to start feeling this kind of desire for a man who thought of you as a sister.

Although that kiss said differently. Sleep claimed her before she was able to analyze and gain answers to the questions that now troubled her.

* * *

Josh had been worried about her last night. Micah tended to bottle her emotions until the contents were so compressed that the explosion that followed was a grand display of red flames and fireworks.

And that was exactly what he got. He just hadn’t expected it to be in the form of an earth-shattering kiss. A huge part of him wanted to smile, to relish in the excitement of finally being able to kiss the one girl who had always been out of his reach. But the moment he allowed that excitement to build, it was swallowed up by betrayal and guilt.

She had been drunk out of her mind. He thought for sure that she wouldn’t remember a thing, but he had been wrong. She remembered all right, judging by the way her face had turned a beautiful shade of pink when she saw him.

It had been a mistake.

The grief she had been experiencing recently was bound to make her do something stupid and out of control. Clearly that was what had happened last night.

But if that had been the result of her depression, enough was enough. He couldn’t stand any more of this. He should have talked with her sooner, done something sooner. But what? What did you tell your best friend who after ten years fell back into mourning the loss of her boyfriend? If there was a self-help book, he would have bought it by now. He hated seeing her unhappy, but she was her own worst enemy. She was the one keeping herself from happiness—real happiness, not the contrived happiness she had been living with for the last decade. She was only fooling herself. She deserved more than this.

And he definitely couldn’t handle this latest development. He was wound too tight.

When she’d walked into the kitchen this morning with her rumpled clothes, her curls going in every direction and a false eyelash stuck to her cheek, everything in him had wanted to continue what they had started the night before.

The moment her eyes met his and he felt the embarrassment she felt, he’d known he was being foolish. It could never, ever happen. He set his mind back on course, but the frustration and tension were too difficult to ignore. Instead of pushing her against the counter and kissing her the way he wanted to, he’d snapped at her and argued over cereal.

Josh shook his head. Apparently, this was how he was going to handle this situation: by being a grouch and pissing her off. Great idea, Josh. Real brilliant.

The image of Micah’s flaming hair spread out on his pillow left him breathless. Add in the fact that she was wearing his T-shirt and he was positive this had to be the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. He could feel the desire begin to take form deep in his gut as an intense urge pulled him closer. His hand moved on its own accord, desperate to touch the flames. If he touched would he get burned?

Josh yanked his hand back from her. Of course he would! Last night was proof enough for him. He was definitely playing with fire here.

He turned to leave, having done was he was supposed to and checked on her, making sure she was still breathing.

“Josh?”

Her sleepy voice almost did him in. Standing at the doorway with his back to her, he answered, “Yes?”

“What time is it?”

He found himself turning at the question. She rolled over in the bed and pushed her hair out of her face. He glanced at his watch. “A little after two.”

“Two in the afternoon?” She sat up in the bed, her curls in wild disarray, making her impossibly irresistible. He could not stand to look at her anymore, so he turned back and headed in the direction of the living room.

“Yup. You slept the day away. You want anything to eat? I just ordered a pizza.”

“Sounds good.”

He flipped on the TV, hoping to find something to distract him, but it wasn’t working. Micah helped herself to some water and came to sit next to him on the couch. He was aware of every move she made, every fidget, every sigh.

She wanted to talk. That much was obvious. But what was he supposed to say? In one stupid moment of weakness, he had brought about a whole new world of awkwardness between them. He’d really screwed this one up. Now he couldn’t look at her without seeing her eyes wide in shock and horror, her lips raw from his kiss. The mere task of sitting within two feet of one another on a couch watching television had adopted all sorts of new complications. Ten years of hard work thrown out the window in an instant.

He had to figure out some way to control the damage he had done. Ignoring it, as if it hadn’t happened, could only last so long. She would bring it up eventually. He needed to have a plan in place for when she did.

“So...”

She let the word stretch out, accentuating the resounding discomfort that sat between them.

Well, that didn’t last long. Don’t go there, Mike. Don’t go there.

“That kiss last night...”

She went there.

“And I thought I was the one who had too much to drink! Ha! No one was paying any attention to you. I had no clue you got that handsy when you drank.”

What? He’d only had one drink last night, but he wasn’t about to correct her. It would be so easy to blame it on the alcohol.

“You do always leave the bar with a girl. Never thought I would be added to that never-ending list of hookups.” She laughed again. There was an unmistakable pit in his stomach brought on by guilt.

“Obviously, we both had a little too much to drink. Honest mistake.” Stop talking, Mike. The look he sent her said as much.

“Okay, fine. I’ll drop it. It will be our little secret. Never to be talked about again. No one ever has to know. It will be like it never happened.”

He narrowed his eyes, but didn’t even have to look at her for her to get the point.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Hopefully that would be the last time it was brought up. They had talked about it, gotten it out in the open. Good enough. Right?

She kept fidgeting. She tucked her feet under her and turned in his direction. Every inch of him was aware of every minute move she made. At least he should be grateful she had stopped talking.

“I had the weirdest dream last night...”

Josh released a deep sigh as he continued to flip through the channels, not really seeing what was flashing before him on the screen. He needed to get her home.

“Okay, fine. I won’t tell you about it.”

Now he was making her mad again. He was on a roll.

“No. Tell me.”

“I was just trying to start a conversation. You know I can’t handle awkward silences. Are you in a bad mood or something?”

“No.”

The silence that stretched between them was uncomfortable, and, well, excruciatingly painful. Minutes later she let out a frustrated sigh.

“I need a shower. Do you mind?”

Of course I mind! I don’t need any visuals of you in my shower!

Too late. The visuals were already there.

“Go ahead. Towels are in that small closet in the hall.”

He tried not to map out her movements based on the sounds coming from the bathroom, but no amount of control could stop his mind from picturing the hot water washing over her porcelain skin. The kiss from the night before had set this runaway train in motion. It was impossible to stop it now.

He shook his head to clear the image, but it was only replaced by another when he heard the water shut off. She had to be drying off at this point. How could he have fallen so far as to be envious of a drop of water or even a towel?

Stop now! This was dangerous territory. Frustration built at his obvious lack of self-control when it came to his thoughts concerning Micah. It threatened to boil over as she stepped out of the bathroom, a cloud of steam surrounding her.

She wore nothing but a towel wrapped around her decadent body, tiny droplets of water beaded on her still-damp skin. Half-dressed women had never affected him quite the way Micah did now. The ravenous hunger within him was like nothing he had ever experienced before. The need to kiss and taste the skin where her dripping hair clung to her damp shoulders overwhelmed him.

“Josh?”

The sound of his name snapped him back to his senses. He had momentarily been lost in steam and water droplets, staring at her like a starved and thirsty man. He was neither and she needed to go. Far away from him. And now.

“Seriously? Micah, put some clothes on!” Okay, so maybe that came out a little more forcefully than he had planned. He mentally added jerk to his growing list of attributes: disloyal, guilty, betrayer.

She stomped back into his bedroom, only to return wearing last night’s clothes. Her wet hair left damp spots on the shoulders of her top.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m leaving.”

“C’mon, Micah. You don’t have to go. Sabina doesn’t get off work until later.” He really did feel bad for snapping at her.

“I can’t handle being cooped up in this apartment for another second. You’re being all cranky and whatnot. And, well, I don’t have to put up with it.”

She pulled the wet strands of her hair up and secured it with an elastic, put on her shoes and grabbed her coat. “Call me when your cycle is over and we can be friends again.”

Without moving from his place on the couch, he watched as her fleeting figure disappeared. And just like always, she left a gaping Micah-shaped hole in her wake.

* * *

Micah stormed from the apartment building and out into the bright light of day. Ah, she wished she had her purse! Sunglasses would have been nice. Oh, and money. She was not going anywhere without that. Thank God she still had her phone in her back pocket, otherwise this would be a serious disaster. She called Sabina, not really expecting an answer. She never answered while at a photo shoot.

“Hello?”

“Oh, thank God!” Micah breathed a deep sigh of relief. “I can’t handle Josh for another moment. He’s driving me insane. When will you be done with your shoot?”

“I have a break now. I can come get you if I hurry. Where are you?”

“Outside Josh’s building.”

“Okay. I’ll be there soon.”

You could not get anywhere soon in Boston, but at least she now had a way home.

Her eyes scanned the busy street as she pulled her coat up higher on her neck. The chill of October in Boston was seeping in through her jacket. Buildings surrounded her except for one solitary tree forcing its way into a concrete world. Its leaves had started to change, a bright golden-yellow providing a stark contrast amid the dark grays of the city.

She still couldn’t shake what had just happened between her and Josh. Not that she could figure out any of it. At first she had thought the chemistry that exploded between them was mutual, but after the way he was acting, she knew she had imagined that. How stupid could she be? She was far from the kind of girl he was attracted to. He saw her as a sister, for crying out loud! They were best friends! Crossing over that boundary had been a monumental mistake.

She had tried to brush it off as a joke, tried to ease the moment and laugh it off. But he was in such a bad mood she’d needed to get out of there quick. She needed to put some space between them in order to salvage their friendship. Hopefully after a day or two the kiss would be long forgotten and their friendship restored.

After what felt like forever, Sabina’s SUV came into view as she maneuvered her way across lanes to stop outside Josh’s apartment building. Micah quickly jumped into the car so that Sabina wouldn’t be blocking traffic for too long. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been able to come!”

“What happened with Josh?”

“You know...Josh just being Josh.”

“Say no more. Know exactly what you mean. He can be such a pain in the butt.”

After Sabina dropped her off at their apartment, Micah changed and climbed into the comfort of her bed. She rolled over onto something and reached under the covers to find the teddy bear Drew had given her.

In the chaos surrounding the kiss, she had forgotten all about the dream. It had all seemed easier when Drew was still alive. Maybe all these new feelings for Josh were just misdirected emotions and longings. Maybe it was just her heart’s way of searching for Drew and instead finding Josh.

Why did everything have to be so complicated?

Happiness had come naturally back then, but it had been a long time since she had felt that way. She wanted it back. Part of her still wanted Drew back. Obviously that was impossible, but last night’s dream had been close.

She swiped her finger across her phone screen and saw a text message from Josh.

I’m such a jerk. Sorry <3

It would be easy to respond, but instead she clicked her phone off.

Micah was exhausted. These last couple months had taken her on an emotional roller coaster, but none of that had prepared her for the last twenty-four hours.

She had been depressed and tired of it. She wanted to finally face the past head-on and put it behind her once and for all. But last night’s kiss coupled with the vivid dream that had brought all these memories back to the surface were all too much to handle.

Drew was an important part of her past. Josh was an important part of her present. Both were intricately woven into the tapestry of her life. But the question that remained was, what about her future?

FOUR

She had dreamed of Drew again, but just as he would lean in to kiss her, the dream would suddenly change.

“Josh.” Even saying his name aloud in the quietness of her room ignited something unfamiliar within her. She had joked about the kiss with him the day before, even going so far to blame it on him. She’d wanted to give the situation some levity, but it was proving to be far more serious than she thought. And Josh was taking up a good portion of her mind.

The two men had taken over her every waking and sleeping thought. She would wake up, perspiration beading on her brow as she shook the images of last night’s dream from her mind.

She was holding firm to the notion that they were connected. If she cleansed herself of one problem, the other would fix itself.

Every year for the last ten years she had allowed herself a short time of grieving. This year was not shaping up to be quite what she had anticipated. This had to stop. She had to get control of this. No more moping. No more sadness. She would rid herself of her past once and for all.

She got out of bed and opened her closet door. Reaching up, she pulled down a bulky, heavy box. It was a box she rarely opened anymore, but had been in her possession for the last ten years. As she lifted the lid, the smell of old things drifted through the air as easily as the sense of nostalgia enveloped her.

Memories. Her memories.

Even as she had every intention of going through the box to put an end to this madness, she found herself desperate to cling to the memories. She had loved him deeply. Something like that could not just be tossed aside.

As she lifted an old photograph, she held it to her chest, wanting to grasp any part of Drew that she could. She couldn’t throw any of this away. Not yet.

Time had seemed to wash out the memories, causing them to fade ever so slightly, but opening this box erased all the damage time had done.

She had forgotten so many things about him. Even the pain of losing him had dimmed. She could no longer remember his voice or the expressions of his face. But her fragmented dreams had brought it all back.

Lovingly, she lifted out his sweatshirt. The deep red color brought a different kind of sadness. She ran her fingers across the white letters stitched on the front—Harvard.

He’d had such dreams, such potential. He might not have ever been accepted into Harvard, but she did not doubt that he would have been successful wherever he ended up.

Putting the sweatshirt aside, she lifted out a stack of photos. Next, she pulled out a stack of letters. Long before text messages and email, handwritten notes and letters had existed, and they were sacred to her. She missed getting them.

Her eyes scanned each one, taking in the way he drew a heart in one fluid stroke of his pen. She had never seen anyone else do it that way. It made him unique.

Josh suddenly came to mind.

Now the man of her past and the man of her present dueled for a place in her heart. But the harsh reality of it was that she would lose this battle no matter what. She would never be able to have either one.

Micah took her time going through the box, reading each letter, staring at each picture, memorizing every detail. Then she put her favorite picture and her favorite letter aside. Everything else went back in the box and the lid back on top.

It was time. She had had her cry, and now it was time to move forward.

She carried the heavy box out to the living room and set it near the door. It was time for it to go. That was the healthy thing to do.

Sabina entered the apartment with her arms full of groceries and almost tripped over the box. She had obviously gone to the market and purchased a load of fresh fruit and vegetables. What really stuck out to Micah, though, were the flashy sequined top, black leather leggings and stilettos Sabina wore.

Sabina’s eyes filled with worry as she took in Micah’s tearstained cheeks and puffy red eyes, but thankfully she said nothing. Micah didn’t want to talk about it just yet.

“You wore that to the market?”

“I ran out of clean clothes.”

“You’re kidding me, right?”

“No. What’s wrong with this?” Sabina looked down at her outfit, trying to figure out what was wrong with it and seemingly forgetting she was still holding several bags of food.

“Here, let me help.” Micah relieved her of some of the bags. “And let me inform you what is wrong with your outfit. No one wears sequins to the market, much less Marc Jacobs stilettos.”

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