Communication
Secrects

The experts tell all!

Carolyn Boyes

Table of Contents

Cover Page

Title Page

Communicate effectively in business

Firm foundations

1.1 Take responsibility

1.2 Watch your facts

1.3 Listen actively

1.4 Ask effective questions

1.5 ‘Chunk’ appropriately

1.6 Choose your words

Body basics

2.1 Stand out at first glance

2.2 Be aware of personal space

2.3 Practise your handshake

2.4 Use eye contact carefully

2.5 Show you’re friendly

2.6 Be authoritative

2.7 Be culturally appropriate

Team talk

3.1 Be aware of dynamics

3.2 Take people into your confidence

3.3 Show gratitude

3.4 Establish a rapport

3.5 Give good feedback

3.6 Be persuasive

3.7 Be a coach

Making the most of meetings

4.1 Plan and prepare

4.2 Pay attention to your audience

4.3 Stand (or sit) tall

4.4 Keep the discussion relevant

4.5 Be a story teller

4.6 Keep it short and sweet

4.7 Choose the right seat

Selling successfully

5.1 Be client-centred

5.2 Show your client what’s in it for them

5.3 Win others’ support

5.4 Communicate credibly

5.5 Know why clients say “no”

5.6 Fire the imagination

5.7 Understand values

5.8 Avoid “but” and “try”

5.9 Don’t think of a blue tree

5.10 Handle complaints flexibly

Dealing at a distance

6.1 Be a flexible speaker

6.2 Observe phone etiquette

6.3 Use emails thriftily

6.4 Stay professional

6.5 Don’t use emails as avoidance

Ditching the difficulties

7.1 Keep focused

7.2 Say “no” nicely

7.3 Control your emotions

7.4 Don’t interrupt

7.5 Challenge bad behaviour

7.6 Listen empathetically

7.7 Be a great negotiator

7.8 Avoid judgement

Jargon buster

Further reading

About The Author

Copyright

About the Publisher

Communicate effectively in business

Communication is at the heart of everything we do in business, yet poor communication is a huge problem for businesses and individuals, causing low morale, poor performance and high staff turnover. Much communication happens by accident, with the wrong messages coming across. If you want to be successful in business, it is worth learning about really good communication.

As a person working in international business throughout my career, I have seen how communication can help and hinder relationships within an organization, and impact on teams and goals for the business as a whole. Poor communication can cause stress and hardship for individuals within an organization.

With a background in languages and sales, I have always found words extremely important to me. People in business can earn big money from being skilled with words but can also lose their jobs if they have poor communication skills. Communication can often be distorted because people think they have said one thing but have really given a totally different message. During the last 10 years, as trainer of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, I have become aware of the deeper communication that goes on between individuals and groups through non-verbal communication. That’s why it’s important that all business people consider the secrets of communication.

This book consists of 50 secrets in total, divided into seven chapters.

 Firm foundations. Shows you the essentials of communication you can take into any situation.

 Body basics. Explains non-verbal communication and what to look out for.

 Team talk. Gives you the run-down on communicating with your colleagues or your boss.

 Making the most of meetings. Tells you what to do in a meeting or presentation.

 Selling successfully. Gives you the secrets of how you can communicate effectively with clients.

 Dealing at a distance. Helps you with the ins and outs of telephone calls and emails.

 Ditching the difficulties. Puts you in charge of difficult communication situations.

Do not take good com munication for granted, but rather plan and practise your communication skills.

Firm foundations

Pay attention to the fundamentals of communication to get your message across in the way you want to, both for yourself and for your business. With good communication, you will avoid being misunderstood and expressing inconsistent or unclear messages, ideas, feelings and instructions. Instead, you will become more effective in your career and form stronger relationships with both colleagues and clients.

1.1 Take responsibility

Yes, it sounds basic, but most of us just open our mouths and speak without prior thought. Yet, whether you are talking or just standing around, you are communicating. So take responsibility. Everything you say and do gives a message in business about how you see yourself and your job.

It is said that we:

“Hear half of what is said; listen to half of that; understand half of that; believe half of that, and remember half of that.” (Anon)

Face to face or on the telephone, business is won and lost by communication. If you don’t communicate well enough to a customer or to your boss, you might lose money or your next promotion. The real communication is the message the other person picks up. Take these steps to make sure you always are in control of your message.

one minute wonder One of the first steps you can take to improve your communication is to make it two-way. Sometimes you need to hold back from telling others about all the wonderful things you know and start listening instead.

 Use your ears. Remember, communication is not two monologues. If you are talking to someone, listen as well.

 Take your time. Pause, ask questions, negotiate, sell, respect the other person’s point of view.

 Get in tune. Good communicators are very flexible. They monitor the other person’s reactions and vary their delivery according to the understanding and background of the person.

 Be focused. Have a reason to communicate. Don’t just open your mouth. What outcome do you want from your communication? If you know what you want, you are more likely to be focused in how you communicate.

 Pay attention to the medium. In business, how you communicate is often as important as what you communicate.

 Choose your approach. Will your message be more effective if you speak face to face, have a meeting or write an email?

 Think before you speak. People who think through what they are going to say can be a rarity in business. Many people talk in order to form thoughts; they produce a lot of noise but without much purpose.

 Develop your natural inquisitiveness. Good communicators are genuinely interested in listening as well as talking. They want to gain new knowledge and hear what the other person has to say.

Take responsibility for what you say and how you say it.

1.2 Watch your facts

One of the hazards in business conversations is falling into the habit of stating ‘fact’ after ‘fact’ in an assertive manner when the statements are really just opinions. To be clear in your communication and avoid misunderstandings, learn to distinguish your facts from opinions and assertions.

When you talk, there are only a few ways in which you can say something: by asking questions, stating facts or giving opinions. If you want to communicate well in business, you need to recognize when it is appropriate to be gentle, when you should be forceful and when to be probing and challenging.

Often people state facts or offer opinions when really they should be trying to pry out information through soft questioning. So let’s be clear: a fact is something that is specific enough that you can prove it with evidence.

 Fact. “The economy grew by 10% year on year.”

 Opinion. “I am always right and you are always wrong.”

one minute wonder To add authority to your voice, pay attention to your tone. Questions, statements and commands all have their own intonation. Avoid making statements where your voice rises up at the end of the phrase as this will sound as if you are questioning or doubtful. Statements sound strong when using a voice that is level or falls at the end.

The first statement is a fact and can be backed up with evidence. The second statement, on the other hand, is not a fact; it is an opinion. It is important that you don’t get confused between facts and opinions, whether as a manager or an employee, or when you are selling or negotiating. If you give an opinion, it should always be made clear, usually by saying something like, “in my opinion…” or “in my way of thinking…” as a way to introduce the theme. This allows the opportunity for discussion and others to hold different views to your own.

The poorest form of communication is the overuse of assertions, as an assertion is an opinion pretending to be a fact. Because they are not prefaced by any sign that they are an opinion, the other person is encouraged to accept them as being true even if there is no hard evidence to support them.

Weak communicators use assertions in order to close down debate and discussion. They close off any room for the other person in the conversation to give their opinion. Managers who use assertions all the time soon find that they are surrounded by ‘yes people’ while never really finding out what is going on in their organizations.

Distinguish facts from your opinions in conversations by making it clear when it is ‘just your view’.

1.3 Listen actively

Good listening skills are a vital element of good communication and help to build business relationships, whether in a team or when selling to a client. Most people think they listen, but, if you watch them closely, they are really simply working out what they are going to say as soon as they get an opportunity in the conversation.

Lots of people listen with their ‘mouths’ rather than their ears. They are not really listening at all. They are simply looking for a chance to speak so they can take control of the conversation – this is called selective listening.

Why is this so? They probably assume that they have more interesting, intelligent, knowledgeable or relevant things to say than the other person. Or they are mentally editing or criticizing what the other person is saying, and prejudging the outcome of the conversation.

In contrast, when you actively listen, you don’t jump to conclusions about what the speaker is saying but try to see things from the other person’s viewpoint. Real listening is not passive. It takes focus and energy, but the pay off is much improved communication. These are some steps you can take to listen actively:

“Silence is a source of great strength” Laozi, Chinese sage

1 Use body language. When you actively listen, you show the person through speech and body language that you are listening. Use eye contact and your facial expressions and gestures to show that you are listening.

2 Be curious. Don’t prejudge what the speaker wants to say. Be interested. What is the outcome they want? What is their motivation? What is the real reason they are talking to you?

3 Summarize. Repeat back what you think the speaker has just said to you. For example, “What I have heard you say is XXX.” This gives the speaker the opportunity to clarify any misunderstood areas.

4 Clarify any abstract or fuzzy terms as you go along. This assists the speaker to recognize any gaps in the information that they are giving you. You can say, “This is what I am hearing you saying? Is this right?”

5 Be silent when necessary. Silence is an important part of listening. Silences in the conversation give the other person time to explore and express their thoughts fully.

Listen actively and focus on the speaker’s message without prejudging the conversation.

1.4 Ask effective questions

Not enough people ask effective questions. Precise questions allow you to understand problems in a team or with your client, find out what’s going on beneath the surface, defuse problem situations before they fully arise, get people to cooperate with you, find out important information, negotiate and persuade people to help and support you.

If you want to improve your communication in any business situation, then become a great questioner. You can become much more effecive in many situations by asking the right questions. This is particularly useful in challenging situations, such as if a mistake has been made or if you want to get others to agree to an idea or proposal.

Powerful questions are generally open-ended, thought-provoking or probing. This means they can’t be answered with a simple yes or no answer.

‘What’ and ‘how’ questions draw out the other person and are most likely to get them to reveal their real opinions. Here are some examples you can use again and again:

“Effective questioning brings insight, which fuels curiosity, which cultivates wisdom”

Chip Bell, American writer

 Information-seeking questions. These draw out additional information from the other person. “What do you mean by…?”, “Tell me more about…?”, “What else?”

 Exploratory questions. These allow someone to think about different approaches: “Could you approach this in a different way?” “What are the possibilities here?”, “What are the opportunities here?”

 Identifying a problem. “What seems to be the problem?”, “What is stopping you from…?”, “What is your main block?”, “What worries you most about…?”, “How do you feel about…?”

 Outcome questions. “What outcome do you want?”, “If you have this, how will it effect you?”, “What other factors do you need to consider?”

 Clarification. “What do you mean by…?”, “Could you put that another way?”, “Can you give me an example?”

 Action. “What will you do?”, “When will you do it?”, “How will I know you did it?”, “What are your next steps?”

 Response to ideas. “How does that sound to you?”, “What benefits do you think you will gain from…?”, “Does that answer the issue?”

Effective questioning combined with active listening form a fundamental set of communication skills for business.

1.5 ‘Chunk’ appropriately

Think about the people you work with. You’ll probably find that there are two types: big picture people and detail people. Big picture people like to hear little detail. Detail people don’t like discussing abstract concepts. Each type will only really take in what you say to them effectively if you communicate in the right-sized ‘chunk’ of detail.

The simplest way to think about this is that these two different types of thinkers process information in distinct ways. This is important to know and recognize if you want to influence other people with your communication.

Once you know the difference is there, look out for signs of how much detail or abstract information a person appears to be able to process, and respond flexibly in your communication.

 Big picture people. Another term for big picture people is ‘global thinkers’. If you are communicating information to a global thinker, stop giving lots of detailed information and focus on the big picture. If you focus too much on detail, they will rapidly become bored or overwhelmed, and fail to either understand what you are saying or be

one minute wonder Your flexibility in communication will make an enormous difference to your effectiveness. Do you know what level of detail you like to communicate most? If you know your habits, you can challenge yourself to become a more flexible communicator.

influenced by you. The best thing to say to a global thinker is: “Here’s the big picture…”. Stay abstract and don’t give too many details. If you need to give detailed information, then give the big picture first: “Here’s the big picture…now I am going to give you some details.”

 Detail people. Detail people, on the other hand, need to start with detail before they can become engaged with what you have to say about the wider idea. They can’t handle it if you start talking too conceptually. Say to them, “Here are the details.” Be specific and don’t use abstractions. If you need them to focus on the detail and keep an eye on the big picture, give them both in this way: “Here are the details…and here’s the big picture.”

Find out which members of your team and which of your clients like to communicate predominately in which way, and you will gain much more control over your communication.

Work out whether your team are big picture or detail communicators.

1.6 Choose your words

There is another key difference between people that’s worth paying attention to. It is what’s sometimes called the preferred language type. In everyday language, we often use words associated with the senses: seeing, hearing and feeling. This relates to how we process information. If you communicate according to the preferred choice of the listener, they will be more open to what you say.

People who use a lot of words associated with seeing understand better if you use similar words back to them, and it’s the same for other senses, such as hearing and feeling.

 Visual. Here are some examples of the kinds of phrases you can use when communicating with a visually inclined person: “Appears to me”, “Get a perspective on”, “In view of”, “Eye to eye”, “Hazy idea”, “Dim view”, “In light of”, “Mental image”, “Paint a picture”, “Looks like”, “Short sighted”, “Pretty as a picture”.

 Auditory. Other people use words associated with hearing and sound. Use these types of phrases to make them feel ‘in tune’: “Clearly expressed”, “Earful”, “Loud and clear”, “Tongue-tied”, “Power

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them”

Ralph Nichols, business coach

of speech”, “Rings a bell”, “Clear as a bell”, “To tell the truth”, “Outspoken”, “Tuned in/out”, “Voiced an opinion”.

 Kinaesthetic. Finally, some people prefer words associated with feeling, known as the kinaesthetic sense: “Come to grips with”, “Firm foundations”, “Cool, calm and collected”, “Get a handle on”, “Get the drift of”, “Get in touch with”, “Grapple with”, “Fight your corner”.

It may take you a while to get to grips with this concept, but if you tune in to the different ways in which different people speak, you will begin to notice that they use varying amounts of sense-specific words. Once you have become attuned to how other people speak, you can adapt your own language accordingly. This will build your ability to be a highly flexible communicator. You can also practise by reading. Notice how different writers are more visual, auditory or kinaesthetic in the way that they write.

The sense someone chooses corresponds to how they process thoughts so this is a very vital piece of communication to observe.

Pick your words carefully according to who you are communicating with.

Body basics

In conversation people tend to pay attention only to the words they use. However, communication takes place on many levels, some conscious, others unconscious. By understanding your own body language, you will create a stronger business presence and make a favourable impression every time you meet a colleague or client. Reading other people’s body language will help you become aware of subtle dynamics and deeper levels of communication.

2.1 Stand out at first glance

“Trust me”, says the salesperson you meet for the first time. But something about them looks shifty. How long will it take you to get over that first impression? Our first impressions are formed within as little as 10 seconds, and the first impression is hard to shift, so you need to make sure you’ve made a positive one.

It’s not only your words that make an impression when you meet someone but also your body language. Whether you are talking to someone over the phone, introducing yourself face to face or simply walking into a room and looking around without speaking, your body is saying even more than what’s coming out of your mouth.

one minute wonder Practise putting authority into what you say. Say something serious in a squeaky voice and you will notice not only how the words are undermined but also how you have to change your breathing to do this. Now deepen your breathing and notice how your voice gains power.

Psychology Professor Albert Mehrabian produced the now most used model of communication in the 1970s. He showed that:

 55% of communication is down to the way you stand or sit, your gestures and facial expressions. Some of this body language is very obvious, while other signals will only be picked up unconsciously.

 7-10% of communication comes from the actual words you use.

 35-38% of communication is how you say things: how loudly you speak, your accent and how deep or high is your tone of voice.

Of course, if you are on a telephone, you have only your voice to work with, but still watch how you are standing or sitting and how you are breathing, as they will all affect how your voice sounds.

So, what was going on with that shifty, untrustworthy person you met for the first time? Well, he or she was probably saying the right things but thinking something different. That showed up in, or leaked into, their body language.

Pay attention to what you say but also make sure that you believe what you say. If you don’t, your audience will pick up immediately that something is not quite right. They won’t necessarily know what is not right, but instinctively they will know that they don’t feel comfortable with you, and that isn’t a positive in business.

Watch what you are saying with your body; it’s an even more important communicator than your words.

2.2 Be aware of personal space

Have you ever had to move away from a colleague or client because you felt as if they were intruding into your personal space? It is such an uncomfortable feeling, and, if the person continues to crowd us, we will feel very unfriendly towards them and will be unlikely to want to do business with them.

Our personal space is composed of several invisible zones around us. If someone intrudes into these, we begin to feel very uncomfortable. We will let a lover or a close family member come very close to us, but a stranger or a work colleague cannot come as close.

The closest invisible zone (from the skin to 18 inches/45 cm around us) is called the personal zone and is reserved for people we are happy to be touched by or to touch. If a stranger comes into this intimate space, it will feel as if a warning bell has immediately gone off. You will sense the intrusion and want to move away. Around 30% of people will move within one minute of someone invading their space.

The need for personal space varies from culture to culture, so it is something that is very important to become aware of, especially if you are doing business internationally.

“The emotional brain responds to an event more quickly than the thinking brain”

Daniel Goleman, American author

There are even differences between people from the town and from the country in terms of how much space they need around them. This means becoming aware of not only people coming into your space but also how you might be unconsciously becoming a ‘space invader’ as well.

To avoid becoming a ‘space invader’, follow these simple rules:

1 Pay attention to the body language of the other people you 1 meet in any business situation, particularly when abroad. Judge the distance people commonly stand apart.

2 If someone starts moving back from you while in conversation, don’t pursue them, but allow them to keep some distance between the two of you.

3 If they become comfortable in your company, they will close the gap a little or you will at least see their body language relax. You will probably feel the difference too, as the atmosphere warms and you feel more in rapport.

Be conscious of the invisible zones of personal space and avoid being a ‘space invader’.

2.3 Practise your handshake

Why are handshakes so important in business? Handshakes are one of the few times we let a stranger come into close contact with us and come into our invisble personal zone. Touching someone is such a personal interaction that, when someone touches us, we form an immediate impression of them.

A handshake is such a simple thing on the surface. After all, what are you doing? Just extending your right hand and shaking the other person’s right hand. But there are so many variations, partly due to personal preference but also to cultural acceptability.

A firm handshake gives a totally different impression to a light handshake. Too firm, and you come across as if you are trying to control the other person. But too soft, and it becomes the dreaded ‘wet fish’ handshake – a limp hand that lacks all authority and is very uncomfortable for the other person.

Here are a few pointers to the perfect handshake, which will make you appear businesslike and competent.

one minute wonder Anxiety shows in the hands. It makes them feel cool or clammy, which is very unpleasant for the person shaking those hands. Conversely, warm hands make us assume that the person is warm and trustworthy. So, smile and be relaxed when you shake hands, and the other person will feel it in your handshake.

 Watch your grip. Ideally it should be strong and steady rather than held lightly with the fingertips just touching the other person’s hand. The fingertip grip can give the impression of a lack of confidence. In the perfect business handshake, your hands will be level with the other person’s. Your grip will be firm but neither too tight nor too loose. It will feel open and self-confident, whether you are a man or a woman.

 Keep it simple. Some people will pat you on the shoulder or touch you on the elbow or wrist while they shake your hand. Others may place their hand on top of, rather than level with, yours. Be careful of any of these gestures and affectations, as they may be perceived as either too intimate or too dominant.

 Don’t hurry. Hold the other person’s hand firmly and pump it three times or so. Only one pump, and you will come across as tentative. Give them time and attention when you greet them, and you will make a far better first impression.

 Learn any local variants. The handshake is recognized in most cultures. However if you are doing business abroad then it is worth checking to see if any variants or alternatives are more common in business, for example bowing or praying-style gestures in parts of Asia.

Practise having a firm, level handshake where you take the other person’s hand and pump three times.

2.4 Use eye contact carefully

What happens when you look at someone and they break away and won’t look at you directly? You probably become a little suspicious about them. Direct eye contact, in contrast, can be seen as more open. Make sure you use appropriate eye contact, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you.

The key to eye contact is to be aware of who you are talking to. When you look directly into someone’s eyes, it is regarded positively in Western business practice, for there the eyes are very much regarded as ‘windows to the soul’. Direct eye contact is equated with being honest and trustworthy. Indeed, eye contact is so powerful in the West that

case study A trip to the zoo can be surprisingly instructive for learning about eye contact. An ape that stares directly at another ape, for example, is showing that they are the dominant animal. Humans are no different. If you were to stare directly at someone and hold your gaze, the other person would begin to feel as if you were trying to control them. It would either force them into a battle with you, in which they would try to ‘stare you out’, or they will break eye contact and glance away in a submissive gesture. These subtle forms of eye contact communication at the zoo are mirrored every day in the business world.

the phrase ‘wouldn’t look you in the eye’ is used in English to imply that someone might be shifty. This isn’t the case in all cultures though, and even in the West, prolonged eye contact can be disconcerting.

In a naturally flowing conversation, we tend to look at the other person more when we are listening than when we are talking. However, men and women with particular status, power or expertise within business tend to look more when they are speaking. Women need to be particularly conscious of eye contact. Research shows that, outside a business setting, a woman will generally look at a man when they are not being looked at, but will look away when the man looks directly at them. This is interpreted as submissive in many cultures.

Key points for using eye contact to appear confident:

 Adopt a business persona. If lowering your eyes modestly is a natural habit for you, when you come to business you may find that you are giving out signals that you are submissive or in a lower position than you really are. Scrutinize and become aware of your habits, and, if necessary, learn to ‘perform’ differently in the business environment.

 Look while you are talking. If you want to have more control in a presentation setting, adopt the habit of looking directly at your audience when you are talking. It signals an air of strength and confidence.

Use direct eye contact, but beware of appearing too dominant.

2.5 Show you’re friendly

Every time you talk to someone, your body language either says, ‘Welcome, I am open to meet you and talk to you’, or ‘I am closed. I don’t want to listen to you. Go away.’ Even without speaking, we give out these welcoming or off-putting signals. What you feel shows up clearly in your posture, gestures and facial expressions.

Signs of positive, open lines of communication

 Open stance. Uncrossing your legs and arms and directly facing the other person shows that you are eager to talk or listen to them. Combine this with good eye contact for great open communication skills.

 Friendly expression. Generally, when your body language is open, you don’t have any defenses up because you have decided that you are with a ‘friend’. Your shoulders will be relaxed and you might be smiling or certainly have a relaxed expression on your face.

 Leaning forward. If someone has open body language and is leaning forward to catch what is said, they are interested and accepting what you are saying. If you are selling, this is a great time to close a deal.

one minute wonder Stay ‘open for business’ as much as possible on a day-to-day basis by keeping your attitude genuinely engaged. Our attitudes are contagious, so, if you are happy, interested and relaxed, you will have welcoming body language, and this will ‘infect’ the people around you.

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