The Best of British Comedy Dad’s Army
The Best Scenes, Jokes and One-Liners
Richard Webber

Table of Contents

Cover Page

Title Page

INTRODUCTION

THE STORY IN A NUTSHELL

‘THE MAN AND THE HOUR’

‘THE LONELINESS OF THE LONG-DISTANCE WALKER’

‘THE LION HAS PHONES’

‘SOMETHING NASTY IN THE VAULT’

‘WAR DANCE’

‘BRANDED’

‘SONS OF THE SEA’

‘SERGEANT – SAVE MY BOY!’

‘PUT THAT LIGHT OUT!’

‘THE TWO AND A HALF FEATHERS’

‘MUM’S ARMY’

‘UNINVITED GUESTS’

‘FALLEN IDOL’

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL: ‘BATTLE OF THE GIANTS’

‘KEEP YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL’

‘A SOLDIER’S FAREWELL’

‘GETTING THE BIRD’

‘THE DESPERATE DRIVE OF CORPORAL JONES’

‘ALL IS SAFELY GATHERED IN’

‘WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE YOUR MONEY?’

‘BRAIN VERSUS BRAWN’

‘A BRUSH WITH THE LAW’

‘ROUND AND ROUND WENT THE GREAT BIG WHEEL’

‘TIME ON MY HANDS’

‘THE DEADLY ATTACHMENT’

‘THE ROYAL TRAIN’

‘WE KNOW OUR ONIONS’

‘THE HONOURABLE MAN’

‘THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT’

‘THE RECRUIT’

‘A MAN OF ACTION’

‘GORILLA WARFARE’

‘THE GODIVA AFFAIR’

‘THE CAPTAIN’S CAR’

‘TURKEY DINNER’

‘RING DEM BELLS’

‘WHEN YOU’VE GOT TO GO’

‘IS THERE HONEY STILL FOR TEA?’

‘THE FACE ON THE POSTER’

‘WAKE-UP WALMINGTON’

‘THE MAKING OF PRIVATE PIKE’

‘THE MISER’S HOARD’

‘NEVER TOO OLD’

TEST YOUR KNOWLEDGE

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

About the Author

In the same series:

Copyright

About The Publisher

INTRODUCTION

In the annals of British television, no finer example of classic comedy exists than in the shape of Dad’s Army, the Home Guard-based sitcom written by veteran writers Jimmy Perry and David Croft. Although they penned many other sterling programmes, including Hi-De-Hi! and the underrated You Rang, M’Lord?, they’ll forever be remembered for their brilliant wartime comedy spotlighting the antics of the Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard, led by the irascible and pompous Captain Mainwaring.

Between 1968 and 1977, nine series and three Christmas Specials – totalling 80 instalments – were screened, much to the delight of the millions of fans who tuned in; but the show’s popularity has continued unabated and even today, four decades since the platoon marched onto the scene, it remains one of the golden offerings from the sitcom genre.

Unlike most situation comedies which highlight one or two key characters,Dad’s Army was team comedy of the highest order. Although much of the focus concentrated on the relationships between Mainwaring and Wilson (adroitly played by Arthur Lowe and John Le Mesurier respectively) within Swallow Bank during the day and the coastal town’s Home Guard by night, the disparate bunch of individuals making up the bravehearted platoon was equally valuable to the overall success of the show. Who can forget Corporal ‘Don’t Panic!’ Jones; the mollycoddled Private Pike; Frazer, the doom-and-gloom merchant; Walker, the kindhearted spiv and doddery old Private Godfrey, who was forever nipping off to spend a penny, much to Mainwaring’s chagrin. And let’s not forget the sniping Mr Yeatman, the huffy Vicar and, of course, loud-mouthed Warden Hodges.

Within this celebration of Dad’s Army, I’ve selected some of the best scenes from the series. Of course, the selection process is subjective and I could have included hundreds more

‘I’m afraid I must have dozed off for a minute.’ (Godfrey)

snatches of dialogue to highlight just how good the series was. Much of the humour in Croft and Perry’s sitcom emanates from the actors’ performances, how they bring the scripts alive and the interaction in front of the cameras; but the following scenes – which were taken directly from the scripts and, therefore, may differ slightly from the screened version – are fitting examples from arguably Britain’s best sitcom – well, in my eyes anyway.

As well as script extracts, this book contains lots of goodies for Dad’s Army fans, including the story behind the programme’s success, a collection of fascinating facts regarding the show, memories from those who worked on the project and much, much more. Happy reading!

RICHARD WEBBER

THE STORY IN A NUTSHELL

While travelling by train to the East London suburb of Stratford East, actor-turned-scriptwriter Jimmy Perry dreamt up an idea that would not only alter the course of his career but provide the rest of us with something rather special.

At the time, Perry was treading the boards at Stratford East’s Theatre Royal, working for stage director Joan Littlewood; but for some time he’d harboured dreams of writing for television, despite having only written for pantomimes and comedy sketches. Although he’d never penned material for the small screen, he was driven by the desire to write something in order to create a significant part for himself.

On his daily commutes across London, he began formulating a premise. Realising it would be judicious to write about something he’d experienced and understood, and backed by the knowledge that service-based comedies like Bilko and The Army Game had been successful, he turned his attention to the Home Guard.

Using the Home Guard as the foundations for a sitcom hadn’t been tackled before. But having served with units in Barnes and Watford as a teenager, it seemed the best course of action. This was 1967, however, more than two decades since the Second World War had finished, and Perry’s enthusiasm was initially dampened by doubts regarding whether anyone would remember the Home Guard’s contribution during the war; his mood wasn’t helped when he visited the local library. When he asked the librarian for books about the Home Guard, his request was met with a quizzical stare.

Unperturbed, Perry began work on a synopsis and a draft script, inspired by the Will Hay film, Oh! Mr Porter. The balance of characters, comprising a pompous man, a boy and an old man was, in Perry’s eyes, the perfect combination. Influenced by this screen classic, Perry wrote a script, titled The Fighting Tigers, but didn’t actively market the work for many weeks,

‘Don’t panic!’ (Jones)

concentrating, instead, on his work with Joan Littlewood. It wasn’t until 1967, during a summer break with the theatre, that Perry proactively tried selling his Home Guard effort. While appearing in an episode of the TV series, Beggar My Neighbour, Perry grasped the opportunity of approaching the director of the sitcom, David Croft, and telling him about his idea for a Home Guard-based sitcom. Croft agreed to read it and was suitably impressed. When a second script had been written, Croft discussed the would-be project with Michael Mills, the BBC’s then Head of Light Entertainment, who was prepared to green light the project so long as David Croft – who was an experienced TV writer – co-wrote the sitcom; it was also Mills who, disliking Perry’s proposed title, dreamt up the name, Dad’s Army.

Although a few concerns were expressed within the BBC regarding whether the project was taking the mickey out of the Home Guard, most people supported the idea as Perry and

Did you know?

Writers Jimmy Perry and David Croft considered calling time on the sitcom in 1975 until David Attenborough, the then Controller of BBC1, persuaded them to continue. The show ran for another two Christmas Specials and a complete series.

Croft’s attention turned to refining the characters, among them a spiv, a common wartime character, and an ageing war veteran, based on a man who served with Jimmy Perry in the Home Guard and fought at the Battle of Omdurman in 1898.

The character of Godfrey, meanwhile, stemmed from the writers’ wish to create a gentle character, while the mollycoddled Pike was based on Perry’s experiences as a boy and Hodges introduced to upset the pompous Captain Mainwaring, thereby generating many situations from which comedy could be mined.

When it was time for casting, Jimmy Perry hoped to play Walker, the spiv, a role he’d created for himself; sadly, for him, director and co-writer David Croft had other ideas. Wanting Perry behind the camera, Jimmy Beck was recruited, although Perry suggested Arthur English. While Michael Mills acquired the services of John Le Mesurier and John Laurie, Perry claims the credit for securing Arthur Lowe as Mainwaring, even though it was a struggle convincing some quarters. Lowe had made his name on the small screen playing Mr Swindley in Coronation Street: but that was commercial TV. Unsure about his suitability, film actor Thorley Walters and Jon Pertwee, whose later credits included Doctor Who, were offered the part before Arthur Lowe was invited to the BBC to discuss the role and subsequently offered the job, quickly making it his own.

Arnold Ridley had worked for Croft on Hugh and I while Jones, the butcher, was originally offered to Jack Haig. But when he accepted a 26-episode children’s series, Wacky Jacky, instead, Clive Dunn was offered the role which, after some deliberation, he accepted. With Ian Lavender enrolled to play young Frank Pike, Bill Pertwee as Hodges, Frank Williams as the Vicar and the underrated Edward Sinclair as the Verger, the main cast was in place and the cameras were ready to roll.

Location filming took place in and around Thetford, Norfolk, using the open spaces of the military training grounds. After the interior scenes were recorded at BBC Television Centre, the first episode, ‘The Man And The Hour’, was transmitted on 31st July 1968 and met with a mixed reaction from the press. Meanwhile, the results from an audience survey requested by David Croft were so negative he prevented the results reaching his bosses, fearing they would pull the plug on the show. Thankfully, the sitcom was given the chance to mature and before long its popularity was growing.

The show ran for nine series, plus Christmas Specials, over a period of nine years but there was a moment, in 1975, when its future was uncertain. Perry and Croft were enjoying success with the Dad’s Army stage show, which afforded them the opportunity to assess whether they wanted to continue with the TV series. Fortunately for the show’s many fans, the then controller of BBC1, David Attenborough, wined and dined Perry and Croft and persuaded them to continue.

The last series ran through Autumn 1977, culminating in ‘Never Too Old’, an episode which saw Corporal Jones and Mrs Fox finally tie the knot. It was the end of an era but little did anyone know that the programme would carry on entertaining millions for decades to come.

‘THE MAN AND THE HOUR’

Mainwaring begins interviewing the Walmington residents who’ve volunteered to join the Home Guard. Wilson, who’s been made sergeant, doesn’t bark out the commands as Mainwaring would like.

Wilson asks the first volunteer to enter the office.

WILSON: Would you mind stepping this way, please?

MAINWARING: Sergeant Wilson, come here. I intend to mould those men out there into an aggressive fighting unit. I’m going to lead them, command them, and inspire them to become ruthless killers, but I’m not going to get very far if you keep inviting them to ‘step this way’. ‘Quick march’ is the order, Wilson.

WILSON: I’m sorry, sir. (To the man who’s already standing at the table) Quick march!

FRAZER: There’s not much point, I’m here already.

MAINWARING: Name, please?

FRAZER: James Frazer.

‘Can I be excused?’ (Godfrey)

MAINWARING: Occupation?

FRAZER: I keep a philatelist’s shop.

MAINWARING: How d’you spell that?

FRAZER: S…H…O…P…

Memories…

‘I’ll never forget the first day of filming because it snowed – and it was supposed to be summer! I don’t think it showed, though. When it finally stopped and we were ready to do the first shot, David [Croft] asked me to go and get everyone. A lot of them were sitting in David’s Rolls-Royce, so I opened the door, saying: “OK, chaps, we’re ready to go now.” I didn’t know what they’d be like, I thought they’d be enthusiastic but Arthur replied: “We’ll come when we’re ready.” I went back to David and said: “We’ve got a right lot of miserable sods here, David!” They were hard-nosed old pros but bloody good: they knew their job, that’s the main thing.’

JIMMY PERRY

Memories…

‘Arthur Lowe was a good all-round actor, very experienced, and was able to call upon all these little mannerisms. He could be obstructive and awkward but if you knew how to handle him, he was fine. He was an old actor and we understood him well and he understood us. The important thing was not to drive him into a corner or get fundamental opinions from him. I never asked the actors what they thought of things, it was safer that way. Arthur’s character meant he could be pedantic and like Mainwaring at times, but then all the actors were like their characters, to a point.

‘He wasn’t prepared to welcome the public. Once, a member of the public had got autographs of all the other actors. He was talking to his friend, who asked whether he had Mainwaring’s? He replied: “No, he’s a miserable old toad.” Arthur had waved him away. He said: “I don’t do that when I’m working.” Bill Pertwee actually told the story at dinner that night, and Joan, Arthur’s wife, said: “There you are, Arthur, that’s the image you project.” He did, however, have the grace to laugh at himself.

‘I’ll always remember how much he loved his food and was often late getting on the coach in the mornings. It was no good taking him away until he’d been. He was a lovely man but the whole schedule was built around Arthur Lowe’s bowels!’

DAVID CROFT

‘THE LONELINESS OF THE LONG-DISTANCE WALKER’

Walker has just announced he’s been called up. The members of the platoon, however, have other things on their minds.

FRAZER: This is terrible news, Joe, terrible! What about my whisky?

JONES: And my gin?

GODFREY: What about my sisters’ fudge?

PIKE: What about my mum’s elastic?

MAINWARING: Don’t be selfish, men. We mustn’t think about ourselves. By the way, what about my whisky?

Memories…

‘Jimmy Beck was my first choice to play Walker. Jimmy Perry wrote the part for himself but I didn’t want that to happen because although he was a very good actor and would have been fine in the part, I didn’t want an actor who’d written the show taking part. Firstly, everyone would think he’d written himself the best part and I wouldn’t have had his influence at rehearsals and during the recordings.

‘I’d worked with Jimmy Beck before, not in any big capacity, but his career was going great guns and he was obviously a very talented performer. He did a good job and gave a very funny interpretation.’

DAVID CROFT

‘THE LION HAS PHONES’

Jones, inside a phone box, tries reporting an enemy plane has crashed. Unfortunately, he’s incorrectly connected to the local cinema.

JONES: Major Brooks?

DOREEN: (With puzzled look at receiver) Yes, that’s right.

JONES: Can you help me?

DOREEN: Certainly, sir…One of Our Aircraft is Missing.

JONES: That’s funny, I thought it was one of theirs.

DOREEN: No…it’s One of Our Aircraft is Missing. It went up five minutes ago.

JONES: Well, it’s come down now.

DOREEN: No, sir…it doesn’t come down till 10.30…if you hurry you’ll just catch it. Eric Portman and Googie Withers are in it.

‘Stupid boy!’ (Mainwaring)

JONES: Well, why are they shooting at us?

DOREEN: No, sir…they’re not still shooting it…it’s finished.

Did you know?

Some of the characters’ names were altered before the first episode was made: while Private Frazer was originally to be called Private Duck and Joe Walker was Joe Fish, Jack Jones started life as Jim and was going to have a twin brother, George.

Memories…

‘I took a while to accept the part because I was worried about how they’d treat the sergeant. Alfie Bass and Bill Fraser were in The Army Game and Bill Fraser did a rather old-fashioned sergeant; I was concerned they might choose someone to play the sergeant like that. But it was brilliant casting when John Le Mesurier was asked to play the character. When he said he was going to do it, I agreed, too. I didn’t know Arthur Lowe’s work at all, or any of the other guys except John Le Mesurier, so when I knew he was going to be in it, I knew I had a mate there.’

CLIVE DUNN

‘SOMETHING NASTY IN THE VAULT’

Mainwaring and Wilson are stuck in the bank’s strong room. There has been an air raid and they’ve ended up holding an unexploded bomb. Pike arrives.

PIKE: Uncle Arthur?

WILSON: Oh, what it is, Frank?

PIKE: Do you think I ought to phone mum and tell her you’re holding a bomb?

WILSON: No!

PIKE: But she might get cross if she found out that you’d been holding a bomb and she wasn’t told about it.

Memories…

‘In a way, Ian Lavender was playing a young person similar to me in the Home Guard. But what we really wanted was a soppy boy. When you have a lot of old men, it’s funny to have a young person amongst them; it makes for a lot of humour.’

JIMMY PERRY

Memories…

‘I have fond memories of “The Day The Balloon Went Up” and remember marching across a field holding on to the barrage balloon with strict instructions not to wind the cord around our hands because if the balloon did escape, we’d have been pulled up with it. David [Croft] said: “If you can’t hold the cord, why don’t you put your hands together as if you’re in prayer.” It was a funny moment.’

FRANK WILLIAMS

‘WAR DANCE’

Mainwaring is sporting a black eye so Godfrey and his sister suggest various remedies.

GODFREY: You remember my sister, Mr Mainwaring? By Jove, that eye looks nasty.

MAINWARING: I rather stupidly walked into the door of the linen cupboard.

CISSY: A little bit of folded Christmas card is awfully good for that.

MAINWARING: For a black eye?

CISSY: No, for keeping the linen cupboard door shut.

GODFREY: What you need, Mr Mainwaring, is a hot onion.

Did you know?

Veteran music hall entertainer Bud Flanagan was paid £105 to sing the show’s signature tune, Who Do You Think You Are Kidding, Mr Hitler?

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