# Dealing with Difficult People

David Brown

The tricks that experts and top professionals use to overcome difficult people.Get results fast with this quick, easy guide to the fundamentals of Dealing with Difficult PeopleIncludes how to:• Understand the different types of troublemakers• Stay calm and firm when other people can’t• Deal with difficult bosses, direct reports, and colleagues• Create win-win scenarios• Develop productive relationships with people you don’t like

## Collins Business Secrets – Dealing With Difficult People. David Brown


## Copyright

Collins

A imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd. 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF

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First published in Great Britain in 2010 by HarperCollinsPublishers

Published in Canada by HarperCollinsCanada. www.harpercollins.ca

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Published in India by HarperCollinsPublishersIndia. www.harpercollins.co.in

Copyright © HarperCollinsPublishers 2010

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Source ISBN: 9780007346776

Ebook Edition © MAY 2010 ISBN: 9780007360390

Version: 2017-06-30

## Table of Contents

Cover Page

Title Page

Copyright

Work successfully with difficult people

Understand what makes us tick

1.1 Define what you mean by difficult

1.2 Accept that we are all different

1.3 Ensure communication is two-way

1.4 Manage change

1.5 Understand assertiveness

1.6 Find the causes of discord

Look in the mirror

2.1 Develop your emotional intelligence

2.2 Understand your own reactions

2.3 Check your confidence levels

2.4 Ask yourself, “How do I look to others?”

Step into their shoes

3.1 First take off your own shoes

3.2 Be specific

3.3 Ask yourself how they are different to you

3.4 Accept some differences

3.5 Focus on what motivates

3.6 Establish trust

3.7 Allow for different cultures

3.8 Tailor relationships to suit the need

Give difficult people a chance

4.1 Display leadership

4.2 Define clear outcomes

4.3 Define clear roles and measures

4.4 Reward the right activities and results

4.5 Reinforce appropriate behaviour

4.6 Communicate with a clear purpose

Use the right tool for the situation

5.1 Dig out the data

5.2 Diagnose the problem

5.3 Decide if there is a task-related issue

5.4 Form a psychological contract

5.5 Use third-party feedback

5.6 Use 360-degree feedback

5.7 Create a common framework

5.8 Promote dialogue

5.9 Understand conflict

5.10 Use psychometric profiling

Develop your skills

6.1 Visualize success

6.2 Give helpful feedback

6.3 Encourage feedback from others

6.4 Know the significance of body language

6.5 Get results from meetings

6.6 Look at timelines

6.7 Get personal

6.8 Share information with those around you

6.9 Complain effectively

6.10 Use both power and influence

Resolve conflicts effectively

7.1 Learn together

7.2 Check your own qualities

7.3 Check the situation

7.4 Check if it’s the other person

7.5 Move forward together

7.6 Keep working on the differences

Jargon Buster

Further Reading

About the Author

Author’s Note

About the Publisher

## Work successfully with difficult people

If someone is being difficult in a business situation, the end result is that individuals, teams or the organization as a whole will find it difficult to function effectively and be as successful as they otherwise might. This book gives you the skills to address difficult people and difficult situations.

I have been in many situations where someone has been widely considered ‘difficult’. It can make life frustrating and even deeply unpleasant. Whilst this book will offer you lots of tips about how to handle such people, we will also look a little deeper at what makes people difficult. You will be asked also to consider situations in which you might be the cause of difficult behaviour – I know that I have sometimes been considered to be the difficult one, when I was quite sure that others were being difficult!

Once you understand the root of the difficulty, you can work out a remedial strategy to suit the situation. This book captures 50 secrets presented in seven chapters that provide the key to you dealing with difficult people. You need to decide which tip will help you in which situation.

• Understand what makes us tick. If you are to manage difficult behaviour successfully, you need to understand behaviour! Consider what shapes our behaviour, what behaviours you can realistically expect to change – and what you can’t.

• Look in the mirror. You may be the problem. This chapter helps you to understand yourself and to consider how you appear to others.

• Step into their shoes. If you are to help people see the need for change, you need to understand those people and discover why they are different to you. In this chapter you will be offered tips on how to create trust and rapport before attempting change.

• Give difficult people a chance. There is a need for you to display leadership, even though sometimes you may not be the line manager. We will look at clear outcomes, role clarity, reinforcing appropriate behaviour and helpful communication.

• Use the right tool for the situation. There are many tools that can help you manage difficult behaviour and difficult situations. Here are some of the globally accepted tools, including some psychometrics, with tips on when to use them.

• Develop your skills. This chapter draws on the previous Secrets to develop your all-round ability to deal with difficult people.

• Resolve conflicts effectively. We conclude with a series of checklists which will help you decide how to move forward with your ‘difficult person’.

If you find yourself saying, “that person is difficult”, don’t condemn them before you have exhausted all the possible strategies for dealing with difficult people covered in these secrets. You may not be able to change their personality, but you can change their behaviour.

Use these secrets to promote harmony and deliver results.

## Understand what makes us tick

People that we label ‘difficult’ appear so because they behave differently to us – in a manner that we may even deem unacceptable. If we are to deal successfully with difficult behaviour, we need to understand some of the fundamentals of human behaviour. This chapter offers an understanding of how we are all different, and why these differences exist. We will look at assertiveness, different communication styles, and how we all see the world through individual eyes.

## 1.1 Define what you mean by difficult

When problem-solving you need first to define the problem and then form a clear view of what a good solution, or outcome, will look like. If we are to manage difficult people successfully, we need to be clear about what we mean by the term ‘difficult’.

People don’t normally turn up for work determined to be difficult. People that you find ‘difficult’ are only difficult because they are different to you, or disagree with you, or behave in a fashion that you or your colleagues find unacceptable. Being difficult takes many forms and is a matter of perception. You will have your own criteria for what makes people difficult, but here are a few examples:

case study I worked for five years with someone who was forever pushing, shaping and driving his own agenda. He constantly interrupted colleagues in midsentence. Everyone who worked with him thought him difficult, but he was a significant factor in our team’s success. My feedback, aimed at changing his behaviour,

• Perfectionists. If you want a quick result, perfectionists can be infuriating. If you are the perfectionist, you will irritate those who think that good enough is okay and makes economic sense.

• Control freaks. These types will annoy you by interfering when you want to be left alone to do things your way.

• Creative people. They are a must if ideas are an essential part of moving forward but can be painful when you just want to get on with delivering a simple result.

• Shapers. They drive the action (see Secret 5.8) and are vital in a successful team, but they take over as and when they see fit.

• Aggressive or defensive people. Few people welcome aggression in business. People who are always on the defensive present problems as well. We need assertive people (see Secret 1.5).

• Submissive people. This kind of behaviour can be caused by many things, including childhood experiences and feeling threatened. Their lack of confidence and fear of failure can be frustrating.

The examples above are caused by a host of different things, and that makes all of us different. Potentially, that makes all of us difficult in some people’s eyes. We need to understand enough about ourselves and others to recognize what we can reasonably expect to change and what we should find a way of living with.

Understand that everyone behaves differently to you.

had no effect whatsoever. One day we did a Belbin analysis (Secret 5.8) and he registered the most extreme shaper score that I have ever seen. I then concluded that this was so much a part of his personality that we needed to move him out of our team or accept him for what he was. We chose to live with him.

## 1.2 Accept that we are all different

‘Difficult’ might just mean ‘different’. This Secret will help you understand different people, so that you can accept some differences before deciding what is unacceptable and needs changing. So what causes all of us to be different?

• Values. You may value punctuality but have a colleague who considers that any time will do. Many organizations promote key values to engender harmony, but an individualist may struggle to accept them.

• Beliefs. Different political, cultural and religious beliefs can limit our ability to work with others.

• Gender. Although some women are more aggressive than some men, on the whole women are inclined to be more empathetic than men, to value security more and to put greater emphasis on teamwork.

case study Recently I managed a project where one member of the team would say things like, “that could backfire on you” or “that won’t work”. Her glass was ‘half empty’, as it were. Another team member would regularly say, “it’s worth a try”. There was no right or

• Personality. Our personalities are a complex web of background, culture, beliefs, values, genes and more besides. Some combine well and productively, some abrasively yet still productively, while others are unmitigated disasters. We need to accept, though, that mankind thrives because of our differences – we need to use difference, not stifle it.

Before leaving the question of differences, consider NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) filters. We all see the world through different filters, and if you understand this you will be well placed to manage the differences through better communication. Our different filters include:

• Internal/external. If you ask an ‘internal’ person, “How will you know you have succeeded?”, they will say, “I’ll just know”. Whereas the ‘external’ person will say, “I’ll know from the feedback I get”.

• Towards/away from. A ‘towards’ person will take risks. An ‘away’ person will see problems.

• Same/difference. A ‘same’ person will refer to what they’ve always done: “it’s like I did last month”. Whereas the ‘difference’ person will say, “let’s try a new approach”. The latter will need variety; the former may be reluctant to change.

• Problems/solutions. Some people always see the problem, while others focus on the solution.

Welcome the differences around you, and only see them as a problem when they are a barrier to results.

wrong – just healthy differences that were part of a successful project. If you want to get the best from a ‘half empty’ person, you need to match their language and make references to ‘half empty’ things, even if you are inclined to be ‘half full’ yourself.

## 1.3 Ensure communication is two-way

One-way communication is a closed system. It is limiting and leads to frustration. This Secret explains how to ensure that communication is two-way, constructive and likely to promote good relationships.

When I was struggling to understand why someone failed to respond to one of my memos, one of my colleagues said, “David, it’s no good you being pleased with your communication. Your message is only okay if it produces the results that you require.” He went on to explain that the recipient’s perception of the message is every bit as important as your message. It has to be a two-way thing. Here are a few suggestions that will help you to be on the same wavelength as someone with whom you are working.

case study Here’s a lesson I learnt about always making sure that your language is correctly understood by all concerned. As a young man I went on a course where we played management games. One involved creating patterns from dominoes. We

• Accept that their perception is reality to them. The challenge is to understand them and their situation well enough to find common ground. This means taking time to understand the belief systems and values that others hold.

• Know yourself. You need to be clear about your own beliefs, and when they might prevent you from taking on board a good idea. There is a constant need to be open-minded to fresh ideas.

• Be aware of other ways of thinking. There are plenty of other filters besides those mentioned in the last Secret; some people talk detail, others look at the big picture; some like choices and some like a rigid system; some people are mainly reactive and others proactive. To increase rapport you should be prepared to enter another person’s world. If you are a strategic thinker, for example, take time to explore detail with those who relish the minutiae.

• Talk their language, paint them a picture. Appreciate that, if someone prefers to visualize rather than verbalize, you’ll need to use language that they might use, such as, “This is what it will look like.”

• Mutual respect. Above all, you need to respect each other before you can hope to work effectively together. You don’t need to like each other, but you do need to establish a basis of mutual respect before difficult transactions.

Keep asking: are you on the same wavelength as others?

debated what to do with a ‘three four’ and a ‘double six’. It took 30 minutes before one of our team asked the question, “What’s a double six?” He was Korean, and none of us had bothered to think about his culture or to check his understanding of our language!

## 1.4 Manage change

Unless they are helping to shape it, people usually resist change. Sometimes this is because they resent a new situation being ‘sold’ to them, and sometimes it is because of what they think they will lose or leave behind. Good management can ease the transition.

When helping organizations manage change, I seek to show people that change is inevitable because of the way that the world around us is changing – standing still is not an option. Changes around any business demand changes within that business for it to survive.

With individuals, though, it is difficult for most of us to change our behaviour – even when we want to in order to lose weight, for example, or give up smoking. Most of us have an inbuilt resistance to change, and, in busines, this often results in a serious drop in performance. This is summed up in a well-known model called the Change Curve. However, this dip in performance and the duration of the ‘curve’ can be lessened through good management. Remember, change is not

case study I was involved in a takeover that resulted in strike action before the two companies joined forces. Staff in one of the businesses were afraid of the merger because their business had been performing badly.

“Change is the only certainty in life”

Henry A. Wallace, US Vice President 1941-5

only about where people are going: it’s what people think they are losing that leads to the most resistance. So to manage transition successfully, you and your organization should do the following:

• Share your vision. Communicate on a regular basis about where you are going and why. Start with the end in mind.

• Respect the past. Don’t expect people to leap from the present straight to your version of the future. Check that people understand what is being asked of them; that they are ready to move; that they are capable of making the change; that progress can be monitored and the right support given.

• Consult people. Involve them in what you seek to do.

• Show people what’s in it for them. Appeal to their emotions as much as their logic.

• Check for ‘buy in’. Where are people on the Change Curve? Seek out negative feelings behind any negative action.

• Pull together. Agree realistic SMART targets (see Secret 5.3).

• The Six ‘R’s. Reinforce, reinforce, reinforce. Review, review, review.

If you are to bring about successful change, study the change process.

They were, in fact, highly regarded by the incoming management team, but were unaware of this as insufficient information had been shared with them. The steps outlined above would have avoided the problem.

## 1.5 Understand assertiveness

Behaving assertively is crucial for good interpersonal relationships. We need to understand the term, though, in respect of three contrasting types of behaviour: aggressive, passive and assertive.

1 Aggressive behaviour (I win/you lose). Driven by a self-centred attitude, whereby their needs and rights are always paramount. Outward signs include a harsh, loud voice, interrupting others and aggressive body language. It could be caused by fear, insecurity or ambition. Aggressive people may get what they want in the short term, but in the long run alienate themselves and are often rejected as too difficult.

2 Passive behaviour (I lose/you win). Driven by a sense that their rights and needs are less important than other people’s. Outward signs include quietness, hesitancy and nervous body movements. Shyness, a lack of confidence or ambition, or a strong sense of team can prompt this. They may get what they want by manipulating those around them (they get others to do the tricky bits), but in the short term do not seem to achieve.

one minute wonder Ask someone you trust for feedback as to whether you behave in an aggressive, submissive or assertive manner.

3 Assertive behaviour (I win/you win). Assertive behaviour is what you need to get results through people. Difficult people melt away if your approach is, “I recognize that you have needs and rights. I too have needs. I respect you, and I require reciprocal respect from you.”

A balanced individual will display assertive behaviour most of the time. To avoid slipping into passive or aggressive behaviour:

• Define your goals. Decide where you are going.

• Help others to express their views. Question their thinking.

• Listen to others. Check what you’ve heard them say to make sure your understanding is correct before you respond.

• Have a clear contract with them. This is about give and take and mutual respect (this won’t necessarily mean 50/50 with your boss!).

• Share feelings. Have both of you share your feelings with one another as well as the facts.

• Spell out clearly what you mean. Be straightforward. Explain the consequences of their action.

• Say no when you must, and explain why. If remedial action is called for, do it sooner rather than later. Sooner is easier!

• Accept that other people have a right to say no. Understand why they are saying no. This could be a deep-rooted cultural question.

• Be positive. Use positive words and body language (Secret 6.4).

Be assertive yourself and encourage the same behaviour in others.

## 1.6 Find the causes of discord

It is very easy to make superficial judgements about what to do with difficult people. But this can cause us to miss the root cause of the discord. Look at the details and consider each case individually.

Difficult people will take up a disproportionate amount of your time, so it is in your interests to invest time to get to the bottom of why they behave as they do. Suppose you feel that someone is a bully. You could try facing up to them, because, when confronted, bullies often do back down. That’s the superficial approach, though, and the case study below invites you to look under the skin of the difficult person before deciding on your strategy for dealing with them.

case study You need to be aware that someone could be difficult because of physical or mental health problems. It’s not your job to solve their problems, but it is your responsibility to be on the lookout for such contributory factors. An MD asked me to help design a performance management system. One of the issues that surfaced was that the Sales Director was seen to

Language discord

Another approach to understanding discord involves realizing that we have preferences regarding our thought processes and language. There are three different ways in which we show our language preferences:

• Visual. The visual type will say, “I see what you mean”, “Let’s look at this one more time” or “It’s quite clear to me”.

• Audio. The audio type will say, “Let’s talk about it”, “I’m speechless” or “Go and shout this from the rooftops”.

• Kinesthetic. This person is all about feeling. “I feel this is wrong for us”, “She’s a very warm-hearted person” or “I sense you don’t like this”.

The problem is that if you prefer one of these three, and the person in front of you prefers others, then you will have discord and a potentially difficult person. The answer is (a) for you to use a balanced blend of these styles, and (b) to match your style to those around you, where possible. So, if someone is regularly using kinesthetic/feeling words, use such words yourself.

Look what’s behind the behaviour before you decide how to respond

bully two of his staff with sustained and systematic ridicule. We explained the impact that he was having, and we faced the problem head on by warning the bully of the consequences of his actions. We did things by the book, but only by digging deeper did we discover that he was an alcoholic. We enlisted specialist help, and the problem was controlled.

## Look in the mirror

Very few people are difficult. They only seem so when they interact with other people, including you! Through the Secrets in this chapter, you will be introduced to the concept of emotional intelligence, you will gain a better understanding of yourself and you’ll be asked to consider how you appear to others. This will give you the best possible chance of working successfully with those around you—even with the people who seem truly difficult.

## 2.1 Develop your emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EI) is the capacity to recognize our own feelings and those of others, and to manage our own emotions and the emotions of others with whom we have relationships. We are born with EI, but it can be developed further.

There are five core emotions – fear, anger, sadness, joy and disgust. Emotions are usually at the root of difficult behaviour, and you are likely to meet them with an emotional reaction yourself. If you are emotionally intelligent, though, you will manage your own emotions and take into account other people’s needs and concerns.

case study The MD of a fork-lift truck distributor had a management team of five. He was autocratic, aggressive and obstinate, yet also direct, organized and financially astute. Sadly, he never learned from his experiences because he had a fixed view of his own capability and how his team should be handled. He always behaved the same way and he always got the

Here are five key points to help develop your emotional intelligence:

• Be self aware. Know your values, ambitions, preferences, intuitions and confidence levels. Know how you will respond to pressure.

• Regulate yourself. Manage your disruptive emotions, maintain your standards of integrity, be flexible in handling change, take responsibility for your performance and be comfortable with new ideas.

• Manage your motivation. Align yourself with the goals of your team and organization; overcome obstacles to your goals.

• Display empathy. Be sensitive to other people’s feelings. Recognize the need for diverse talents. Be aware of the emotional tide within a group, and understand where the power lies. Know how others perceive you.

• Have social skills. Use the right tactics to persuade; agree collective goals; listen before you lead. Inspire others with your judgement, communication, collaboration and management of change. Provide feedback to suit the situation.

This is a taste of EI, and a formidable list of competencies. Why is this important to you as you deal with difficult people? Quite simply, if emotions such as anxiety and anger are not addressed in your quest for performance, you and those around you will not perform well.

How well do you manage your own emotions and the emotions of others?

same results – including a frustrated team that could not stand up to him. He nagged them rather than coached them. He didn’t develop, his frustrated people didn’t grow and the business had to be rescued. If he had developed his emotional intelligence and adapted his behaviour to suit each situation, he would have discovered that ‘soft’ skills deliver ‘hard’ results.

## 2.2 Understand your own reactions

You are an important part of any situation involving difficult people, so you need to understand yourself and your reaction to difficult situations. Armed with self-knowledge, you can avoid the mistake of putting people in pigeon holes and, instead, treat each situation individually.

Let’s explore why you react as you do. What might cause you to lose control of your emotions? It might happen when:

• You feel that your fundamental beliefs or values are threatened.

• You sense you are being treated unfairly.

• Someone lets you or your team down.

• You are overloaded.

• Your intentions are misunderstood or misinterpreted.

• You make an embarrassing mistake.

• Others lose their temper.

• You are cornered, with no choice or options.

• Your ambitions or goals are threatened.

• You are irritated by a personal emotional trigger.

“Emotional strength comes from self discovery and self mastery”

Bossidy and Charan, authors of Execution

The secret is to develop your skill at handling yourself before you engage with others, as it’s important to respond in a calm way rather than adding to the emotional cocktail of a difficult situation. If you don’t, you are likely to be the ‘difficult one’.

• Know yourself. Be aware of how you react and what causes you to lose control of your emotions. Are you confused, embarrassed, frightened, disgusted, angry or sad? You need to ask yourself about what you feel and why you feel as you do before you can handle difficult people.

• Listen to others. Listening to others and acknowledging how they feel will defuse the emotions that make life difficult, and give you time to understand yourself and them. Accept that listening takes time.

• Stay calm. Develop relaxation techniques. Take a few deep breaths.

• React to what’s around you. You need to take note of the system in which you operate. Allow for company procedures, the law and the interests of others in the company. This requires objectivity, detachment and structure.

• Respond to the person. It is important to attend to the needs and feelings of others. This requires that you understand the truth as perceived by them. We’ll look at this more thoroughly in Chapter 3.

Know yourself if you are to work successfully with others.

## 2.3 Check your confidence levels

‘Confidence’ comes from the Latin confidere, which means to trust. If you are to handle difficult people, they need to trust you, which means that you have to trust yourself. You need to trust your motives, your decision making and your people skills.

Confidence goes hand in hand with assertiveness, which is distinct from aggression or over-confidence (see Secret 1.5) It’s other people’s perceptions of you that matter here, but there are steps you can take to ensure that your confidence is at an appropriate level. You should first ask yourself a few questions:

• When do you feel comfortable, and when do you feel out of your comfort zone?

• How comfortable are you with what you have achieved in life?

• Where do you add value, and where do you add little value?

• How well equipped are you to do your job?

• When might you need to be more decisive or inclined to take risks?

• When do nerves inhibit your performance? When does your body language betray you?

• When do you ever feel the need to cover up a lack of confidence?

“People become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I can do things I acquire the ability to do it.” Mahatma Ghandi

• Do you harbour any self-limiting beliefs about yourself? Do you contribute as fully as you should?

• Do you feel in control of your life at work?

• Are you overly concerned about what people think of you?

Reflect on your answers to the questions. They can be connected with many things – meeting the ‘big boss’ for the first time, speaking to 30 people, an unpleasant experience or a lack of key skills. The trick is to look for clues and patterns, and then do something about it:

• Remind yourself of your successes. What are you good at?

• Treat yourself. Maximize your time spent with people who appreciate you and in situations in which you excel.

• Address your development needs. Share your ideas with a trusted colleague. Consider training, coaching or mentoring.

• Visualize being successful. Top sportspeople do this; it breeds success!

• Open an achievement bank. Create a log of your successes.

• Learn from your mistakes. But don’t be inhibited by them.

• Set achievable goals. Recognize that you can’t be good at everything.

In short – take stock of yourself; know what you are capable of; keep learning; be prepared to develop your capability by stepping outside your comfort zone and live with ambiguity.

For others to have confidence in you, develop your own confidence.

## 2.4 Ask yourself, “How do I look to others?”

If only we could be as honest with ourselves as we are with other people, we would see ourselves as others do. Then, armed with an accurate perception of how others see us, we would be better able to get on their wavelength and bridge the gaps between us.

Everyone sees you differently, but it is helpful if your perception and theirs line up. Consider a set of personal qualities that are important, such as those listed in the chart, opposite. Rate how people see you on a scale of 0 to 10 (the numbers don’t imply any relative merit, such as good and bad, only difference).

Have a conversation with someone about how they see you, and reciprocate by offering your view of them. Start with someone you trust, before moving on to someone with whom you have problems. Ask for specific examples that support their views of you. The result should be a constructive, honest sharing of perceptions that leads to development needs that can be worked on. You will get to know each other better, and should find each other less difficult.