A Christmas dream come true

When handsome pediatrician Lucas Brodie walked out on his wife, Freya, at Christmas, he left her heart and hopes for a family shattered. This year, nurse Freya is determined to put the pain behind her by volunteering on a trip to take sick children to Lapland. But then she discovers Lucas is coming, too!

As they begin to fall in love again, Lucas wonders—could he give her a family after all? Can he put his past behind him? Perhaps an unexpected pregnancy could be the Christmas miracle to make Freya’s dreams come true...

‘You missed a bit.’ Freya pulled off her mitten and brushed the corner of his mouth with the pad of her thumb.

It was an innocent gesture, but the moment she touched Lucas his whole body sparked to life, every nerve-ending tingling with awareness. As though he’d been dormant for too long, waiting for her to initiate that contact, that bolt of electricity, to awaken him from his slumber.

‘Thanks.’ He locked his eyes on hers and he saw the brief flare of desire before she blinked it away. They might only have been married a short while, but he knew his wife well enough to recognise that look. It was the same flicker of interest he’d found so hard to resist when they’d first started working together and he still didn’t want to. He could see that same internal fight against it in her eyes too, and hope flared in his chest along with desire.

The most he’d thought he could ask from her was forgiveness, so he could start his new life. He had never imagined that the one good thing about his past might still be available to him. If he’d known there’d be the slightest possibility he could have his wife back in his life he would’ve done everything to make it happen once he was strong enough to fight for her again. He’d simply accepted that he’d hurt her too much ever to go back. Now he wondered if she might still harbour feelings for him somewhere beyond that tough shell she’d cocooned herself in.

Dear Reader,

Writing a Christmas book has been a dream come true for me. I am one of those people, like Freya, who still wants to believe in the magic of the festive season. My mum made it such a special time of the year that I never did want to grow up. Even when I’d left home and had children of my own she still managed to wrap up a slice of that nostalgia in a parcel of sweets, books and pyjamas for me to open on Christmas morning.

For us, the day was always about family. Even though she and my gran are gone now, the rest of us still get together for the traditional board games and obligatory game of bingo after we’ve stuffed ourselves with turkey sandwiches and chocolate.

Lucas is my Grinch, who doesn’t understand the warm, fuzzy feeling of having family around at Christmas because he’s never experienced it. Of course Freya and I have worked extra hard to show him how special it can be. And what better place is there to start than on a trip to see Santa Claus in Lapland?

Let’s just hope it turns out better than our family visit there, with a toddler who hated the cold and has no memory of the trip at all…

Merry Christmas!

Karin xx

Their Mistletoe Baby

Karin Baine

www.millsandboon.co.uk

KARIN BAINE lives in Northern Ireland with her husband, two sons, and her out-of-control notebook collection. Her mother and her grandmother’s vast collection of books inspired her love of reading and her dream of becoming a Mills & Boon author. Now she can tell people she has a proper job! You can follow Karin on Twitter, @karinbaine1, or visit her website for the latest news—karinbaine.com.

Books by Karin Baine

Mills & Boon Medical Romance

Paddington Children’s Hospital

Falling for the Foster Mum

French Fling to Forever

A Kiss to Change Her Life

The Doctor’s Forbidden Fling

The Courage to Love Her Army Doc

Reforming the Playboy

Visit the Author Profile page at millsandboon.co.uk.

For my wonderful mum, who created the magic, and my boys William and Alexander, who still let me pretend it exists.

Thanks to Laura, Julia and Chellie for helping me write the best Christmas story I could.

Praise for Karin Baine

‘The moment I picked up Karin Baine’s debut medical romance I knew I would not be disappointed with her work. Poetic and descriptive writing, engaging dialogue, thoroughly created characters and a tightly woven plot propels French Fling to Forever into the must-read, highly recommended level.’

—Contemporary Romance Reviews

Contents

Cover

Back Cover Text

Introduction

Dear Reader

Title Page

About the Author

Dedication

Praise

PROLOGUE

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER EIGHT

EPILOGUE

Extract

Copyright

PROLOGUE

THIS WAS GOING to be the best Christmas ever. Freya was going to make sure of it. She heard Lucas turning his key in the front door and hoped the smell of her home cooking would put a smile back on his face.

‘I’m in the kitchen,’ she called, thankful she’d had the day off to make up for their earlier tiff.

Lucas hadn’t been in the best of moods lately, which surely hadn’t been helped by having to work Christmas Eve or her mistake of bringing up obviously delicate subjects when he was overworked and overtired. Not that she’d expected the idea of having a baby to be so controversial for a doctor who’d chosen to specialise in paediatric care and was so great with his young patients.

They’d never discussed starting a family. Freya had simply assumed Lucas would be as keen as she was, but his negative reaction to the idea this morning had told a different story. He’d surprised her by storming off to the hospital, slamming the door behind him when she’d mentioned feeling broody recently. In hindsight, she had put him on the spot by asking when they could start thinking about babies when he was obviously under a lot of pressure already and not in the right head space to become a father yet.

They could discuss it properly later so they were both clear on the long-term plans for this relationship.

As Lucas strode into the kitchen, still wearing the same scowl he’d had for days now, Freya conceded it probably wasn’t good timing anyway when marriage already seemed far from the fairy tale she’d always imagined. Her spirits sank a little as that dream of having a family of her own seemed further away than ever. Lucas’s recent mood swings were even making her slightly regret the pact she’d made with him that they would spend the holidays together, just the two of them. This would be her first year not sharing it with her tinsel-loving, Christmas-aholic parents, made more difficult by the fact her new husband didn’t appear to share her enthusiasm for the season either.

The more Freya tried to make it special for them, the more detached Lucas seemed to become, but she was determined to make Christmas, and their marriage, a success. She’d lost too much already to let it all slip through her hands again.

‘You’ve been busy.’ Lucas leaned up against the refrigerator and gave the baked goods lining the kitchen counter a cursory glance before he continued scrolling through his phone.

If Freya was honest, it wasn’t the amorous reunion she’d been hoping for where they would both admit they’d been in the wrong and engage in some wild kitchen make-up sex so they could move on and enjoy the rest of Christmas.

She’d heard passion sometimes went off the boil when you got married but she hadn’t expected it after only a few months. They should still be in that can’t-wait-to-rip-each-other’s-clothes-off honeymoon stage, which was why she was worried she wasn’t living up to his wifely expectations. Her mother had always seemed to juggle her nursing career and her home life perfectly and she couldn’t help but wonder if this blip in their love life had somehow been down to her. After all, she didn’t have a good record for keeping men interested. All she wanted to do was make this first Christmas together special for him.

‘The turkey’s almost done if you want some. I always love Christmas Eve at home, with the smell of the turkey cooking and getting to sample some before dinner on the big day. I’ve made my own stuffing too, just the way my mum always did. Maybe I’ll get to pass on the family tradition someday too.’ It slipped out before she realised and she tensed, waiting for another heated reminder she was alone in her enthusiasm for a large brood to fill her house at Christmas.

‘I’m not really hungry. Maybe later.’ Luckily, Lucas appeared oblivious to her slip of the tongue, his phone still monopolising his attention. Freya told herself such was the nature of being married to a paediatric consultant—he was always in demand—but there was a niggling doubt something else was behind his recent distraction. Especially when there’d been a few occasions he’d seemed to end calls abruptly when she’d walked into the room.

‘I made gingerbread men too. You know Christmas isn’t Christmas without creating a cloned army of little dudes capable of breaking your teeth on the one day of the year a dentist is impossible to get hold of. I thought you could help me decorate them later in time for Santa Claus stopping by.’ The ironic nod to her childlike obsession with the season had been an attempt to make him laugh but Lucas simply rolled his eyes as though it was a chore she was forcing him to perform, the joke lost on him. Freya made the excuse to herself that he was probably exhausted after his shift because it was less painful than believing he’d tired of her already.

‘Great. I...er...think I’ll go take a shower first.’ He walked out of the kitchen, batting away the paper garlands she’d hung from the ceiling with his free hand, as if they were nothing but a nuisance.

That was exactly how she didn’t want him to see her—as if she was nothing more than a pretty decoration he could do without cluttering up his life—but even when he wasn’t working he came to bed late and rose early, so they spent little time together as a couple these days. Married life was new to them both but she would do whatever it took to make this work. This was her chance to have the family she’d always wanted and she wasn’t going to fail a second time.

* * *

Lucas closed his eyes and let the water wash his tears away where no one could see them. As a newlywed spending his first Christmas with his beautiful wife this should have been the happiest time of his life. Yet he couldn’t seem to get excited about their future when his past had come back to haunt him so vividly.

He couldn’t begin to think of starting a family now when he was still reeling from the news of his father’s death. The impact of losing the only parent he’d known had been greater than he’d ever imagined but not because he was grieving the loss of the man who’d raised him. His sorrow was for the childhood he’d been denied and the one he’d suffered instead. The one he now couldn’t escape in his head and that wouldn’t let him enjoy married life in peace.

Everything he had worked so hard to achieve seemed like a lie now that he was forced to face who he really was behind the career and success he’d built for himself. It wouldn’t be fair to bring a baby into existence when he was struggling to hold his own together. He could never hope to give a child a happy, secure home now when his world felt as though it was crashing down around him.

Lucas scrubbed away his self-pity and shut off the shower. None of this was fair on Freya. A normal husband would’ve told his wife his estranged father had finally succumbed to liver disease and had someone to endure the funeral with him. He would have given her the reason he was so against the idea of bringing a baby into the middle of his personal turmoil—he was afraid of becoming his father’s son and ruining another childhood. Except his relationship with his father had been so toxic he hadn’t wanted the ugliness of it to taint her. Freya was so idealistic about their marriage and how the next phase of their life together should play out he didn’t want to destroy that rosy vision with the disturbing reality behind his.

He should’ve known it would take more than time and distance to truly escape the man’s clutches.

When Lucas had received the call about his father’s passing, he’d been forced to think about the man he’d been and had instantly been transported to a time he’d done his best to forget. Now, every time he closed his eyes he was overwhelmed by memories he’d tried to suppress, until even his waking moments were dominated by dark thoughts and a need to escape them.

Freya was the only one saving him from total despair but he was drowning in his own misery and now, more than ever, she was drifting just out of reach as she fussed around, trying to make his house the home he’d never had.

Her talk of babies and family was only natural when he’d never spoken out against it but these past days had reminded him it was an impossible ask. Whilst his mind raged with the fear and injustice of his youth, he could never be the husband, or potential father, Freya assumed she’d married.

By the time he’d changed and come back downstairs she was plating up an early Christmas dinner for him to sample, but as much as he wanted to play along with this game of make-believe, the level of effort she’d gone to to try to please him only served to remind him of everything he’d missed out on. He could no longer force himself to fit into this kind of cosy Christmas scene since his father had managed to crash in and destroy the illusion. It was too late for him to find any enjoyment in it now. At this moment he didn’t think he’d find joy in anything ever again.

‘I thought we could each open an early present from under the tree. We always used to have a Christmas Eve present at home. Usually pyjamas.’ Freya sat down at the opposite end of the dinner table still bubbling with excitement as though she expected Father Christmas to drop down the chimney any second. He’d never had any such delusions as a child or a grown-up.

‘Sounds good.’ If he’d known that was a thing he would’ve done a little more retail preparation to make her happy but this was all new to him. He’d never given much thought to gift giving other than a token gesture but the pile of presents she’d assembled beneath the tree would rival any window display on Edinburgh’s Royal Mile.

‘I know we’d planned a quiet day, but I thought maybe, if it’s okay with you, we could drive over to my mum and dad’s after lunch tomorrow. We’ve hardly seen them since the wedding.’

‘I thought we were supposed to be spending it on our own?’ Lucas’s knife and fork clattered to the floor along with his stomach, the last of his appetite quickly disappearing. The last thing he wanted to do was spend the day with her seemingly perfect family when he’d just buried the only sorry excuse for a parent he’d ever had.

‘I know. I just thought it might be nice to see them and break up the day a little...’

In that second he could see the disappointment in her big brown eyes that he wasn’t enough to make her happy. Christmas was a symbol of everything that was important to her—family. The one thing he’d learned to live without but which was everything to her.

Freya loved being with her parents, couldn’t wait to be one herself, and he didn’t want to be that dark shadow hanging over either her life or their child’s, at any time of the year. What if he turned out like his father, unable to show any emotion other than hate? He was already on that path, distancing himself from his wife’s love in the present to focus on the bitterness of his past. She deserved better than a man who wasn’t strong enough to separate himself from a frightened little boy intimidated by his father.

Lucas rose from the table with a quiet acceptance he was no longer the man she’d agreed to marry and spend the rest of her life with, even if she wouldn’t admit it. Their love might be physically keeping them together but it would ultimately tear them apart inside, forcing this relationship to work when they both wanted, needed, such different things.

‘I’m sorry, Freya. I can’t do this any more.’ The words were ripped from his aching heart, leaving a hole in his chest he knew would never heal.

He couldn’t be responsible for anyone else’s life when he wasn’t sure he wanted his own any more. It was getting too damn difficult to imagine a time when he would no longer be in pain and he didn’t want the same for Freya or the child she expected them to raise in this mess.

This was the only way to save them both, even though it might seem like intolerable cruelty tonight. It was painful now but hopefully, with time, Freya would realise it was the right thing for him to do. She was young and idealistic, with the kind of open heart that would help her find love again, where his had been flawed from the start. He’d never been able to fully give himself to her or the relationship when he’d been holding back the truth about his parentage.

‘Lucas? I’m sorry... We don’t have to go if you don’t want to... Lucas?’

He got as far as the door before he heard her quickening footsteps behind him in the hallway but he daren’t look back. His knees were already weak, his chest so unbearably tight that he couldn’t even trust himself to speak without collapsing to the floor.

Leaving was the best present he could think of to give her. She could still have all those things she wanted, just with someone else. He’d be a lost cause for ever when he was walking away from the best thing that would ever happen to him but he should never have expected to have everything he’d ever wanted.

His father had been right all along. He was a useless waste of space.

CHAPTER ONE

Ten months later

FREYA ADJUSTED THE jingle bells on her hat, straightened her elf ears and pulled up her stripy stockings. Christmas was supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year and she was determined to make sure of it for the kids of Princes Street Children’s Hospital. It didn’t matter a jot it was only October when they were on their way to Lapland to see the beloved man in the red suit. While she was there she’d make sure to remind him he owed her big style for last year.

‘Feeling Christmassy yet?’ Gillian, her nursing colleague from the emergency department and fellow elf for the weekend, came to join her at the front of the plane to welcome on board the excited children and volunteers along with the flight staff.

‘I’m doing my best.’ It was difficult to get into the spirit since everything she’d once loved about this time of year now reminded her of her husband walking out of their marriage and the worst period of her life. However, this wasn’t about her, so she plastered on the jolliest smile she could muster and handed out candy canes with a ‘Merry Christmas!’ to the special group of sick children the hospital had chosen for the charity trip.

‘Well, you certainly look the part.’ Gillian gave a little wolf whistle that had Freya tugging on the furry white hem of her green velvet dress.

‘I knew it was too short. That’s what happens when you’re forced to shop in the kids’ department.’ Everything in the costume store had swamped her petite frame but she guessed her height was the reason she’d been chosen to be one of Santa’s helpers in the first place. Well, that and her extensive nursing experience, which made her a vital part of this group.

Without a very skilled medical team these poorly children would never get to leave Edinburgh. Such was the seriousness of some of their conditions there were a few of them who rarely left the hospital. That was why this trip was so magical, so important to the families and to her when she saw many of them time and time again in the emergency department. She would simply have to set aside her own heartache and loneliness around the season to make this memorable for everyone.

‘You look gorgeous. With any luck you might even catch the eye of a reindeer herder over here and decide not to come back.’

Freya was forced to bite her lip until the young passengers were out of earshot. There was no room for disappointment or disillusionment on this trip and her love life definitely fell into those categories.

‘Men are definitely off my wish list for the foreseeable future. I barely survived the last one. All I want for Christmas is to forget about Lucas Brodie and remind myself I’m Freya Darrow—the woman who is Christmas personified, not some sad and lonely divorcee who spent last year crying into her eggnog.’ So they weren’t officially divorced, but since she hadn’t seen Lucas again from the moment he’d walked out on her, Freya had eventually had to accept the marriage was over. She’d reverted back to her maiden name when she’d decided to rid all traces of him from her life once and for all.

In those heady days of their intense romance, she supposed they’d never taken the time to find out about each other beyond who they’d become as a couple. So physically wrapped up in each other and the idea of being together to care about anything else, they’d left no space for her to confide in him about the loss she’d suffered as a teenager or for him to share his apparently opposing views on starting a family. During the early days of their marriage she’d been so happy she hadn’t wanted to spoil anything by reopening the old wounds of her past, naively believing everything would simply fall into place.

Then, when Lucas’s moods had become unpredictable, she’d been afraid to upset either of them any more by bringing up the issue, unaware that while she’d been making plans for a family he had already been plotting an escape route. He’d given up on them before even admitting there’d been a problem; without even trying to resolve whatever issue which had been so great he’d seen no other option rather than to leave. It made her doubt if the strength of her feelings for him and investment in their relationship had ever been reciprocated.

‘I’m glad to see you back to your old self but, ah, there is something about Lucas I should probably tell you...’

‘I don’t want to know. I’m only thinking happy thoughts this weekend.’ Freya refused to let further mention of him steal what little there was left of her enthusiasm for the season and shoved the end of a candy cane in her mouth for a peppermint sugar hit. The rumours Lucas was back, working in their sister hospital across the city, had reached her ears too but she didn’t want to think about it. Not now when she was just starting to pull her own life back together.

It wasn’t so long ago she’d spent Christmas making tearful phone calls around hospitals and friends, trying to find out if he was even still alive. There’d been several days of sheer panic and disbelief before she’d heard he’d gone on sick leave from work and didn’t want to be contacted. Apparently that had included her. To this day she still didn’t know if there’d been someone else, or if her talk of starting a family had made him have serious second thoughts about spending the rest of his life with her. He hadn’t done her the courtesy of ever explaining himself. Not that it would change what had happened now when she was finally trying to move on.

There was no way she’d let memories of her absentee husband spoil things now after she’d spent the week overdosing on schmaltzy Christmas films and hot chocolate in an attempt to recapture her love of the season again. This trip to the Arctic Circle was just what she needed to restore her faith in human nature and awaken her inner child. Plus it was a bonus to embrace every tacky, glittery bauble associated with the spectacle Lucas had despised so much.

‘Merry Christmas,’ Freya repeated to every little soul as they were helped on board, ashamed she was even thinking about herself today. This was a break from reality for all of them. Even the parents and siblings left at home would enjoy some respite themselves this weekend with a getaway in the Scottish countryside funded by the charity. It made a change for everyone whose lives normally revolved around hospital appointments and stress.

‘Is Santa here yet?’ A particularly eager young man ran down the aisle in search of the man in red.

‘I told you, Sam, we see Santa at the end of the trip. Try not to get yourself over-excited before we even leave Scotland.’ The volunteer assigned to him followed down the aisle, clutching an asthma inhaler in her hand.

‘Someone’s keen.’ Freya loved the enthusiasm, even though it was a tad premature. They had a whole itinerary to keep tiny spirits up until they reached Santa’s grotto deep in the winter wonderland of the Finnish forests. The excitement was catching already and she couldn’t help but hope for a little magic herself by the end of the weekend. A memory swipe of her ill-advised workplace romance and an embarrassingly short marriage should do it. Failing that, she was a sucker for cuddly toys.

‘His mum said he’s been looking forward to this for weeks.’ Young Sam and his aide took their seats and Freya could almost feel the sense of relief as well as expectation from everyone. This was an escape into fantasy and a chance for them all simply to be children again.

‘Oh, to be that young and carefree again,’ Freya whispered after them, hankering for the life she’d had before a runaway husband had left her so jaded and cynical.

‘I really think you should know...’ Gillian tried again to force the shadow of Lucas over the proceedings and she was wondering if her friend was trying to tell her he’d been spotted with another woman. After such a lengthy separation it was really none of Freya’s business who Lucas might have hooked up with in the interim, or who he might see in the future, but the pain was still too raw for her to find out for sure. It had made it impossible to go and confront him at work when she’d heard he was back. She couldn’t face seeing him, knowing he was happier without her, when she’d been broken into a thousand pieces without him. His reluctance to come to her and explain his whereabouts for these past months said everything about his complete disregard for her feelings.

‘I think that’s everyone on board now. We should find our seats for take-off. Once we’re safely up in the air and the captain gives us the go-ahead we can organise the in-flight entertainment.’ With virtual fingers in her ears, she put her head down and took her seat near the front of the plane, which was thankfully on the opposite side from Gillian’s. She didn’t want to spend the next few hours listening to a running commentary on her ex’s exploits since he’d returned from the wilderness. Left with no other choice, Gillian huffed out a breath and buckled herself in across the aisle.

The lovely smiley member of the cabin crew who’d helped them decorate the inside of the plane with tinsel patted Freya on the knee to get her attention. ‘We’re just waiting for one more to arrive. Then we’ll close the doors and really get this party started.’

‘Of course. We wouldn’t be going very far without the doctor, would we?’ She prayed there wasn’t some sort of medical emergency holding up the very man who’d be coordinating the children’s medical care. They’d already had one of the non-medical volunteers pull out, leaving them short-handed. As lead nurse she’d agreed to supervise two of the children herself but they really couldn’t do without the doctor.

‘They’ve just called from the departure gate to say he’s on his way now.’

At least the delay meant she could take a breather for a little while before she had to face her next challenge. Take-off was the one part of the flight experience she never enjoyed. That moment when the plane left solid ground and the world grew ever smaller beneath her was always a nail-biter.

She settled back in her seat and attempted to relax. From the moment they were up in the air until the time they landed back in Scotland, there wouldn’t be much time for her to rest.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, we have our last passenger on board, so we can close the cabin doors and prepare for take-off.’ The announcement was made as a windswept figure dashed on board and received a round of applause and a chorus of cheers.

Not from Freya. She was dumbstruck. Too traumatised to even remember how to breathe.

Lucas.

Here.

Now.

Unless she was having some sort of sugar-induced hallucination, he’d just stepped onto the plane.

‘Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.’ The late arrival shook the rain from his thick blond hair. Freya blinked as the water droplets showered over her and she was forced to face the fact her ex-husband was actually here. Not only that, he had the nerve to smile and breathe as though he’d never crashed her whole world around her.

She turned, open-mouthed, towards Gillian, who simply shrugged and mumbled, ‘I tried to tell you.’

‘Not hard enough,’ Freya hissed. This couldn’t be happening. She had no desire to see him or talk to him, not since it had become apparent he’d abandoned her and their marital home, and now he was here, gatecrashing her weekend away? That was cruel even by his standards.

‘The doctor who was supposed to be travelling with us took ill. I only found out myself this morning that Lucas had been drafted in to take his place.’

‘That still gave you time to tell me.’ Now the doors were locked, she was shut in this very small, very public space with him. It wasn’t the ideal place to face him for the first time in nearly a year when her emotions were bubbling so close to the surface they could very well blow out the doors of this aircraft. She was already hyperventilating; each gasping, shallow breath making it a possibility she might just pass out. That really would be the sour cherry on top of this mess.

‘I didn’t want to upset you or force you to back out. I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position. I know it’s not fair on you, but we need you here.’ Gillian wasn’t the kind to employ emotional blackmail to get what she wanted and Freya knew she’d only done what she thought was best in the circumstances. If she had been aware Lucas was going to be part of this, she might never have made it on board the plane herself and that would have put the entire trip in jeopardy. It didn’t make the prospect of spending enforced time with him any more palatable, though.

‘It should’ve been my decision to make,’ she grumbled, letting Gillian off the hook and directing her annoyance at the person who deserved it most. Lucas.

This volcano of bubbling emotion inside her was exactly the reason she hadn’t wanted any contact with him. It was difficult to restrain herself from getting up and punching him in the face for running out on her the way he had or squaring up to him and demanding answers she probably wasn’t ready to hear. Neither option would settle her again now when the mere sight of him was still enough to make her heart beat a little faster. Memories, good and bad, flooded back so quickly, so intensely she had to forgo her candy cane to reach for the little paper bag in the seat pocket to breathe into.

In.

Their first kiss on a night out with colleagues after weeks of working side by side when he’d been called in for cover in Princes Street and she’d been trying to ignore the growing attraction.

She’d never anticipated any sort of workplace romance, especially when he’d only been at the hospital on a temporary contract. That hadn’t seemed the ideal basis for any long-term relationship, and she wasn’t the type of woman who would ever find satisfaction in a fling, but he’d been so kind and attentive, to her and his patients, he’d eventually become the exception to her rule. Her gamble in letting her heart rule her head again seemed to have paid off since they’d kept dating long after his posting had finished, but she was still paying the price for her mistake now.

Out.

Lucas on one knee, promising he’d love her for ever and making her believe this time an engagement would mean marriage and a family and everything that had been taken from her in the past.

She’d made no secret of the fact she wanted the same kind of special relationship her parents had one day and had thought he’d understood how sacred marriage was to her, not something to ever be taken lightly. The proposal, over a candlelit dinner at his place, had been perfect because it had been a private moment between the two of them, somewhere she hadn’t felt under pressure. The homely, romantic gesture had held more meaning to her than a scripted display of bravado in front of a crowd, and he’d made her believe he held the same values. Only to toss her aside when he’d grown tired of married life all too soon.

In.

Their wedding day, when she’d been on top of the world and had truly believed they’d be together for ever.

It had been a small church wedding since Lucas had had no family he’d wished to invite to the service. He’d looked so handsome, and had seemed so utterly devoted to her during their vows to one another, he would’ve rivalled any fairy-tale prince. During their first dance as husband and wife at the reception she would’ve even sworn he’d had tears in his eyes, but the adoration hadn’t lasted.

Out.

The last image she had of him, walking out the front door only months later and breaking her heart in two.

That dream of her picture-perfect family had vanished along with him that day. He hadn’t loved her enough to even work at their marriage, never mind raise babies with her. She guessed he’d decided somewhere along the way he hadn’t wanted to follow that traditional love, marriage, kids route after all.

There’d been several self-centred men in her life since her first teenage infatuation, who’d run out on her when faced with the ultimate responsibility, but none of them had hurt her as much as Lucas because he was the one she’d never stopped loving.

The bag inflated and deflated in time with her shallow breaths.

‘If you’ll just take your seat, Doctor, we’ll be on our way.’

Freya could hear the admiration in the young attendant’s voice and an eerie sense of calm descended upon her. She’d been that naive girl once, dazzled by the handsome consultant with the pale blue eyes and the great smile. It had taken a lot longer for her to trust him with her heart. She’d mistakenly believed such a strong, reliable force in the workplace would make him the man who would be there for her when she needed him the most in her personal life too. The kind of man who wanted to settle down and would find contentment with a wife and a couple of kids. How wrong she’d been.

This past year had toughened her up and hopefully made her immune to those superficial charms now she knew he wasn’t the man she’d thought he was behind the handsome facade. Lucas was no better than the first man who’d betrayed her trust. Perhaps even worse because he’d broken his vows as well as her heart.

She crumpled up the paper bag with much more force than was probably necessary and shoved it back in the pocket until she could dispose of it properly.

The one consolation she had in watching another woman fawn over him was seeing the smile fall from his lips as he made his way down the plane and spotted her sitting in the aisle seat.

‘Freya?’ He swallowed hard and Freya found some satisfaction that he didn’t appear any more comfortable than she was with the situation. Even if this had been some sort of set-up to force her to talk to him, the reality might’ve actually made him face up to his actions. Nothing Lucas could say now would change what he’d done but dealing with the consequences might make him think twice about treating someone else with such scant consideration.

It didn’t make the idea of spending the weekend in his company any more palatable.

‘Lucas. You were the last person I expected to see,’ she said through gritted teeth, hoping the disapproval was radiating off her. He was completely out of order, ambushing her like this, but it wasn’t the time or place for a screaming showdown. No matter how tightly her fists were clenched or how raw her throat was with the effort of holding back tears and the urge to ask, ‘Why?’ He didn’t get to ruin any more of her life.

‘I was asked to cover at the last minute...and I thought...’ He was standing in the middle of the aisle, creating a bit of a spectacle as he blustered around her, attempting to squeeze his carry-on luggage in the overhead locker as the cabin crew tried to chivvy him to his seat.

‘What? That this would make a good surprise?’ If he was any good at reading body language, her folded arms and scowl should have told him otherwise. The fact that he’d chosen to play out this painful reunion in front of passengers and colleagues made matters worse. The one saving grace was that everyone else was so caught up in their own excitement the general ruckus on the plane should be drowning out this awkward conversation.

He ought to be on his knees again, begging her for forgiveness this time.

‘Doctor, I really need you to take your seat as quickly as possible so we don’t miss our flight slot.’ The flight attendant flashed a warning through her too-bright, teeth-baring smile as she slammed the locker shut and ushered him to the seat in front of Freya’s.

She gulped in a deep breath as he turned away from her and released her from the hypnotic trance of those too-easy-to-get-lost-in blue eyes. These months of tears and heartbreak hadn’t managed to eradicate the strongest of all the emotions she felt for Lucas—love—and she hated herself for it as much as she wanted to hate him. She’d never asked for their relationship to end and it seemed her feelings hadn’t diminished any over time. If she’d stopped loving him at any point during their separation it wouldn’t hurt so much to see him again and be reminded of everything she’d lost.

This weekend was going to test her personally as well as professionally and turn her into a prisoner of her own emotions because absolutely nothing was going to spoil the magic for these children. Not even the unresolved issues of her marriage breakdown.

* * *

Lucas collapsed into his seat, the sight of Freya after all this time hitting him with the unexpected force of a runaway sleigh, even though he’d known she’d be here.

‘Your seat belt, sir.’ He was admonished by another member of the cabin crew as they completed their safety checks and waited with increasing agitation for him to buckle up.

‘Sorry. So sorry.’ He wanted to stamp the word in bold black ink on his forehead so Freya could see it too because he was seemingly incapable of vocalising his regret for the way he’d left things between them now they were face-to-face.

It had been nearly a year since they’d last seen each other, yet her obvious pain, and his shameful guilt, felt as fresh as if they’d only just broken up.

When he’d realised her name was on the staff list he’d had second thoughts about volunteering for this position, knowing a confrontation was inevitable. After all, she’d loved him every bit as much as he’d loved her before he’d abruptly ended their marriage. In the end, he’d realised he had to man up and face her so they could both have closure on that very difficult time in their lives. It wasn’t going to be easy to initiate a conversation about the possibility of divorce but a legal end to their relationship was the next logical step if she was ever going to be truly free of him and have the fresh start she deserved. He’d intended to broach the subject with her at some point on this trip when they could talk more freely and once she’d got used to the idea of seeing him again.

Except when he’d been planning his return to the world, he hadn’t filtered any residual emotions into the equation.

The sight of her again had unexpectedly choked him up, reminding him in that instant of everything he’d lost to his illness. It was his friend Peter who’d salvaged his career and liaised with the hospital during his sick leave but, ashamed of his weakness, he’d begged Peter not to reveal anything to Freya.

He’d had to jump through hoops with the hospital board to prove he’d recovered and get his job back, with numerous meetings and assessments with occupational health and the GMC before he’d been deemed fit enough to work. His colleagues and the senior consultants had supported his return, and now he was building up his hours at the hospital again, he’d managed to resurrect his career, but he’d known he’d never be able to win his wife back.

Seeing her again only increased that ache in his chest and suggested he wasn’t ready to let her go just yet even when setting her free for good was the best thing he could do for her. So much time had passed he’d imagined they would both be glad to escape any ties to one another and he hadn’t been prepared for the reaction of either of them upon seeing each other again.

His kind and gentle wife looked as though she wanted to physically hurt him. He’d always been able to read her because she never made any attempt to hide her feelings. Unlike him, who’d kept his secrets and emotions bottled up until he’d imploded from the stress of holding it all back and destroyed everything he’d ever loved.

Those almond-shaped eyes had flashed with wild fire when they’d lit upon him, full of anger and hurt. Arms folded as she’d confronted him, there’d been a hardness to her he’d never encountered before. Lucas wasn’t naive or egotistical enough to have expected she’d welcome him with open arms but part of Freya’s charm had always been her warm personality. It was a shock to the system to see her changed so much and it made him realise how much time had passed between them. It also made him question how much of that change was down to him.

In his mixed-up head he’d believed that by leaving her he was doing what was best, so he didn’t drag her into that dark pit of despair with him. When his conscience did prick at the thought of her tear-stained face staring after him, he’d convinced himself she would’ve found someone else to replace him by now. That somehow leaving had been a selfless act on his part and she’d be cosied up with another man, planning the family she’d always wanted and he hadn’t been convinced he could give her.

The reality was very different, of course, and made him see his actions through her eyes for the first time since he’d turned his back and left her to deal with the fallout alone. They’d been so in love but he’d shut her out to the point of ignoring her pain in favour of his own.

Even without her clipped tone and abrupt manner with him, Lucas could see the distress he’d caused in her defensive body language and it broke his heart. With the clarity of his recovery it was obvious now that walking away hadn’t been the answer; he’d only caused them both further agony. At the time what had been left of his pride had decreed that he protect his new wife from the responsibility of knowing about his childhood and subsequent illness. It hadn’t been her job to fix him. He’d had to fix himself. Now he was realising the extent of what that decision had cost him and Freya.

The plane rumbled down the runway and he instinctively reached back to give her hand a reassuring squeeze. He knew how much she hated this part of the flight.

‘Are you okay?’ He peered around the back of his seat to see her sitting bolt upright, her eyes wide with fear.

‘I’m fine,’ she snapped, and snatched away from his grip as though she’d been burned.

On their honeymoon she’d dug her nails so deeply into the armrest he’d thought she’d never let go as he’d tried to prise her off again, but she was letting him know now without doubt he’d given up that right to touch or comfort her any more. She was his wife in name only now and that was entirely his fault.

The tension in her body and her instant recoil was a stark contrast to the effect he used to have on her. That slightest touch brought back the torturous sights and sounds of their honeymoon and beyond, when she’d once melted beneath his touch. They’d been happy for a time, in love and in lust, and he wished it had never come to this when she’d rather suffer a panic attack alone than accept his help.

There was a long way to go to get her to hear him out and he had the distinct impression that if it wasn’t for the people surrounding them she would tell him exactly what she thought of him without stopping for breath. There was a long list of his failings but he’d never been as aware of them as he was now when his sweet wife could barely control the rage she felt towards him. If he thought it would give either of them any satisfaction, or in any way make up for how he’d treated her, he’d offer himself up as a punch bag right now.

He mightn’t have thought this through properly but he remained hopeful this weekend would provide an opportunity for him to explain himself and smooth the way for a talk about the next step. That was all he could ask and yet it was more than he probably deserved from her.

He listened to the oohs and aahs of the children as the plane soared upward and the city lights blazing through the dark morning gradually disappeared beneath the clouds. The minute they reached cruising height and the seat-belt light went out, the plane became a hive of activity again as people left their seats.

‘So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, who’s looking forward to meeting Santa Claus?’ The intercom crackled with the enthusiastic tone of a non-crew member and a quick glance confirmed it was the other elf he’d seen on board. Freya was on her feet too but she was handing out sheets of paper to the whooping passengers.

‘We thought we’d get everybody warmed up with a few Christmas carols, so elf Freya is handing out some song sheets to everyone. If anyone wants to come up and sing a song or tell a joke while we wait, you’re very welcome.’

Lucas managed to block out the tones of tuneless childish warbling and recycled jokes because his attention was totally focused on Freya as she made her way through the cabin. That bright smile shone for everyone she spoke to and he held his breath, waiting for his turn; to feel her warmth upon him once again. Of course, it didn’t happen. When she reached him the light dimmed in her eyes and the smile faltered.

‘You’re looking well, Freya.’ It was the best he could come up with to fill the awkwardness of the moment but he meant every word of it. The passing of time hadn’t diminished her beauty, or the effect it had on him. He still felt like the luckiest man in the world that she’d ever agreed to be his wife, and the stupidest for letting her go.

She turned to move on without saying a word but it had been so long since they’d been this close he couldn’t help himself trying to prolong the moment.

‘You’ve cut your hair.’ The short, messy bob suited her fine features but he’d always loved her long chestnut-brown hair.

‘I needed a change,’ she said flatly, suggesting again there’d been more than physical alterations occurring in his absence.

His stomach rolled at the thought he’d been the cause of that sudden edginess to her when she’d always been such a bubbly, loving individual and his actions had hardened her heart the way his father’s self-destructive behaviour had his. He knew what a long, painful process it was to get over that kind of damage and what it cost along the way. Not something he would ever have wished for Freya to go through, and exactly the reason he’d walked away in the first place.

‘I am sorry. For everything.’ Characteristically, he’d remained in denial until crisis point, when he’d been forced to witness the emotional effects of the damage he’d caused first-hand. While he had no desire to embarrass her in front of anyone here, it would be remiss of him not to acknowledge the wrong he’d done her, and if she chose not to speak to him after this flight at least he would know he’d made the apology and meant it.

‘Perhaps you’d give us a song, Doctor? I’m sure the children would love it.’ There was that smile again but there was no trace of friendliness in the way she’d bunched up the leftover song sheets in her fist. She was rejecting the apology as obviously as she could without drawing attention from the others because she would know taking part was the last thing he’d want to do.

Their marriage might’ve been short-lived but they’d been together long enough for Freya to know that this Christmas merriment was out of Lucas’s comfort zone. Her enthusiasm for the season had been difficult to live with when he’d hated everything about it. The over-the-top glitter and expense was always a reminder of the childhood he’d been denied and the only reason he’d agreed to step in before he knew Freya was involved had been to ensure these kids had the happy memories he didn’t.

‘I...er...have a lot of paperwork to catch up on.’ It wasn’t a complete lie. As the emergency replacement for the usual medical coordinator, he’d been handed the itinerary at the last minute. Although he’d done his best to get acquainted with the case notes of the children who’d be under his care so there wasn’t any room for error and he was fully prepared for any eventuality. Not that anything could’ve prepared him for this tense exchange but he deserved every bit of the hard time she was giving him.

‘Well, don’t let me take up any more of your time.’ She made a move to leave but there was such resignation in her tone he didn’t want her to think he’d ever dismissed her, or everything they’d ever had, as easily as it may have seemed.

He reached out to touch her arm but she flinched away from him again as though he’d given her an electric shock. A reminder of those early days when they’d been avoiding their growing attraction in the workplace, where every brush against each other had held so much meaning. The most obvious difference now was that she wasn’t looking at him with undisguised desire, more like murderous intent.

‘Don’t be like this, Freya. I really am sorry...’ If he’d been in her shoes he knew he’d probably never be able to forgive him either, but how could they ever resolve matters if she refused to be anywhere near him? Expecting a truce here was a big ask but eventually she might accept he was trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Perhaps a divorce would get that anger at him out of her system once and for all.

‘If you’ll excuse me, we have a very busy schedule ahead of us today and I wouldn’t want to let people down.’ Freya cut off his attempt to apologise again and put some distance between them, leaving the scent of cinnamon and peppermint lingering in her wake. She launched into the first rendition of an old Christmas classic, encouraging everyone else to join in and handing out percussion instruments to the youngest members of the party.

To everyone else sitting on this plane Freya was the life and soul of the party, bringing festive cheer to those who needed it most, but Lucas could see the brave face she was trying to put on. She refused to make eye contact with him again for the duration of the fun and games on board to pass the time for the children and he knew that determination not to let them down was because she’d been there. She’d been on the receiving end of bitter disappointment and broken dreams and it was all down to him.

His journey to recovery had come at Freya’s expense and he couldn’t fully move on from the past when it wasn’t only his father who’d left a legacy of unhappiness behind. Unlike the man who’d made his life hell, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he didn’t try to fix things. Although he hadn’t been able to provide Freya with the husband and family she needed or deserved, there was one thing he could give her that might go some way to making up for his behaviour. An explanation.

It wasn’t going to be easy to open up about the demons that had driven him away or to get her to speak to him long enough to do so, but he owed it to her to try. Perhaps this visit to Father Christmas could give them both the gift they needed most—peace of mind.

CHAPTER TWO

‘YOU LOOK LOVELY and cosy in there.’ Freya was helping to dress the two little girls she’d been assigned for the duration of the trip in the ski gear and snow boots which had been waiting for the group at the other end of the flight.

It was daylight now and the quick peek they’d had from the plane at the snowy landscape had made them all keen to get out and explore but the subzero temperature meant they needed to be suitably dressed before they could venture outside. With the nature of the conditions a lot of the children were suffering it was doubly important they were all wrapped up against the elements.

Freya had changed out of her elf outfit and into her more suitable snowflake-adorned sweater and warm trousers before they’d left the airport. Even trussed up like the Abominable Snowman in this lurid pink ski suit she felt more comfortable; zipped in and covered up and hopefully protected from the penetrating stare of her ex-husband.

It had never entered her head that she would be forced to face him on this trip but she’d been even more disturbed by the flutter of her pulse every time he looked at her. Something that had happened all too frequently during the flight for her comfort. She felt his eyes burning into the back of her head now, watching her with the intensity of a man who had something he needed to get off his chest. Whatever it was, she didn’t want to hear it. Whether he wanted to salve his conscience and finally unload the reason behind his mysterious disappearance, or he was eventually attempting to claim back half of everything that was rightfully his, she wasn’t going to do this in front of an audience.

Freya had been over every imaginable scenario in her head since he’d left her—from another woman to some sort of post-wedding jitters that had seen him running for the hills. In the end, it boiled down to the same thing—Lucas hadn’t wanted to be with her any more and no amount of talking now could repair her shattered heart. Despite the thermal layers of clothes she couldn’t help but shiver every time she thought of him reaching out to take her hand on take-off. The part of her that, apparently, hadn’t endured enough humiliation wanted to believe it was more than some residual body memory making him reach out to reassure her. That, irrespective of everything, he still cared about her the way she obviously still cared for him. The wounded Freya, still recovering from her injuries, reminded her it wasn’t possible given the way they’d parted and it wasn’t healthy to hold out any hope otherwise. Such a weakness in her armour left her vulnerable to another attack on her heart.

‘Where did my fingers go?’ Five-year-old Hope waved her hand at Freya and pulled her back into the present fantasyland. She was one of several here with type one diabetes, which meant constant monitoring of her blood-sugar levels, to avoid highs and lows, and her activity levels. It left no room for daydreaming paediatric nurses.

‘They’re in there all snuggled together keeping warm. These are called mittens and all of Santa’s visitors have to wear them so Jack Frost doesn’t nip those little fingers.’ She adjusted the mittens so Hope’s thumbs made it into their own holes and gave her a bit more freedom of movement.

‘Scarlett too?’ She grabbed hold of Freya’s other charge for the weekend, the look of concern for her friend’s naked fingers clearly etched on her cherubic face.

At least it would make her job easier over the weekend if the two little girls were bonding and not pining for any siblings at home.

‘Yes, Scarlett too.’ Freya tugged another pair of mittens on, and with their matching cerise ski suits and woolly hats, they could’ve passed for sisters, twins even.

Her heart lurched at the sight of the two precious bundles whose lives had been entrusted to her for the duration of the trip by their parents. It was a great responsibility but also a huge privilege to be able to give them a taste of a normal childhood. She’d look after them as if they were her own. If things had worked out differently, the way she’d planned her life with Lucas, they could’ve been making this trip to see Santa with their own little ones.

That space in her heart echoed with sorrow as that image of her, Lucas and the babies she’d imagined they would have flashed into her head. She’d had so much love to give, ready to start their very own family, and he’d ripped it all away from her, leaving her with nothing. Looking after other people’s precious babes was as close as she’d ever get to that mothering side again because she knew she’d never trust another man enough to ever start her own family now.

‘So, this is Hope and Scarlett? Hi, girls. My name is Lucas and I’m going to be helping Freya look after you. If there’s anything you need you just come to one of us, okay?’ Lucas had managed to appear beside her without tripping her inner alarm warning and she bristled at having him so close, intruding on the moment. It didn’t help when he was wearing a black beanie hat and electric-blue ski suit and looking like someone ready to have fun instead of a professional heartbreaker.

‘Okay,’ the girls chorused, nodding their heads, no doubt charmed already by the handsome doctor. He had that effect on people.

‘It’s time to get on the bus.’ She ushered the girls out towards the waiting transportation that was going to take them on the first leg of their journey with more urgency now that he’d arrived on the scene.

That first blast of cold air was a shock to the system and she shooed the little ones up the bus steps so they didn’t hang about outside any longer than was necessary.

‘I only wanted to make sure you had Scarlett’s anti-epilepsy drugs and Hope’s insulin at hand. I’m checking off everyone’s medication before we head out.’ Lucas flipped through the paperwork he’d been studying on the flight as he’d avoided all the on-board activities, and unexpected heat burned Freya’s cheeks at the mistaken belief his attention had been solely for her. Of course he’d be preoccupied with the treatment all of these children needed while they were here. It was his job to coordinate everything so they could travel safely. She would never question his professionalism. It was his cavalier attitude to his marital status she had an issue with.

‘Yes, I have the AEDs, insulin and the times they’ve to be administered.’ When it came to the care of her patients she took her job equally as seriously. She’d checked and double-checked everything these girls needed for the duration of this trip and wasn’t leaving anything to chance. Although neither epilepsy nor diabetes were the sort of conditions that necessarily ran to a schedule.

‘Good.’ He gave her a curt nod before moving along the line to converse with the other medical members of the team. It was easier to deal with him when he was in doctor mode because it reminded her of the days when they’d been able to work together before chemistry and emotions had got in the way. If he maintained this detached manner and avoided any further mention over their shared past she was more likely to hold back the tears and the urge to slap him.

Freya stepped on board the bus with renewed fire in her belly. She’d survived the loss of her baby in her teens and had made it through this last year of absolute hell, so she knew she could get through anything.

‘Look at the big snowmen!’ Hope and Scarlett had their faces squished up against the bus windows, pointing at the sights along the way, and Freya had to admit she was every bit as impressed by the ten-foot-high figures greeting them on arrival at the clearing where they were to begin their activities.

They’d made a quick stop to check in at their accommodation first, leaving all unnecessary baggage except the medical equipment they needed and an estranged husband she suddenly couldn’t seem to shake off, and now she was ready to go exploring.

‘Isn’t it wonderful?’ With the falling snow, frosted pine trees and the marshmallow landscape waiting for the first footsteps to break the surface, this place was exactly what she needed to compensate for last year’s miserable time.

The trio was so engrossed by their surroundings that they were last to leave the bus and found the others were already lined up, waiting for the reindeer sleighs to take them through the magical forest, when they stepped outside.

Lucas was waiting to speak to her at the back of the line. ‘They can only take two at a time.’

‘Well, how’s that going to work for us?’ The girls were clutching both of her hands and there was no way she could leave one behind or expect them to go without her.

‘I’ve volunteered to take one of the girls with me. It’s not a problem.’

Maybe not to him but as it seemed the volunteers had all been allocated already to accompany the children along with the medical staff, and she didn’t want them to miss out, she had no other option than to accept his solution to the problem.

‘Fine. You go on ahead with Scarlett and I’ll follow with Hope.’ At least the moment wouldn’t be totally ruined if she wasn’t expected to snuggle up beside him. Sleigh rides in the snow were supposed to be fun and romantic and definitely not something to be shared with a soon-to-be ex-husband.

In contrast, Scarlett was only too eager to climb onto the wooden frame with Lucas, and Freya was able to breathe a little easier once they’d begun their journey deep into the woods without her.

‘Our turn next.’ She gave Hope’s hand a squeeze and exchanged cheesy grins with her as their ride arrived.

The figure leading the reindeer towards them was dressed in the bright red and blue, embroidered traditional costume of the area, adding to the wonder of it all. The reindeer was a magnificent beast, his harness the same colourful fabric of his master, and his majestic antlers dusted with snow. He was so awe-inspiring he could’ve stepped straight out of one of those sentimental movies her mum insisted on watching every year.

‘Can I stroke him?’ Hope whispered, bubbling with delight at meeting what she probably imagined was one of Father Christmas’s faithful servants.

The handler nodded and gave them the go-ahead to get the most from this experience. Freya let Hope pet his muzzle first but she didn’t get in the sleigh until she’d had her chance to touch the soft brown fur herself. It was the kind of quiet, contemplative moment that gave her a pang of regret she didn’t have a child of her own to share it with. She often imagined what her baby would’ve looked like if it had survived, but it didn’t matter how much she tortured herself—she would never know. The need to be a mother again had almost consumed her when she and Lucas had married, she had been so desperate to fill that hole in her heart. This guardianship was as close as she’d get when she’d been let down one too many times by those who’d promised to be there for her.

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