Copyright

Certain details in this story, including names, places and dates, have been changed to protect the family’s privacy.

HarperElement

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers

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London SE1 9GF

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First published by HarperElement 2017

FIRST EDITION

© Rosie Lewis 2017

Cover layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2017

Cover photograph © Victoria Haack/Trevillion Images (posed by model)

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

Rosie Lewis asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

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Source ISBN: 9780008113018

Ebook Edition © January 2017 ISBN: 9780008171322

Version: 2016-12-19

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Three

Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Six

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Chapter Forty

Chapter Forty-One

Chapter Forty-Two

Chapter Forty-Three

Chapter Forty-Four

Chapter Forty-Five

Chapter Forty-Six

Epilogue

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Chapter Thirty

I remember everything about the day it happened. The way the wispy white clouds moved across the sky above the glass roof of our conservatory, the accompanying breeze caressing the dark-green leaves of the apple tree in our garden so that the fruit-laden branches swayed low, kissing the silver-white bark of the trunk. I remember hearing Emily, Jamie and Megan’s voices blending together as they moved around not far from where I sat at the computer desk, the occasional shriek when one of them made Megan laugh.

The date was 29 August 2013 and it was just five days after the letter had arrived from the adoption team confirming that we were to be assessed as adopters.

Afterwards I cursed myself for checking my emails, wishing I had delayed the moment for just a little while longer, savouring the glorious, happy ordinariness of the day. Earlier we had driven across town to visit my brother Chris, stopping off at a farm on the way home to pick some strawberries. Megan had gorged herself as she pottered, basket over her arm, and the sweet smell of the fruit lingered on her skin long after I had washed her hands.

Leaving her to wash the fruit in a bowl on her small table, I had switched the computer on with the intention of printing out some pictures from the CBeebies website for her to colour. As often happens, I got sidetracked, and ended up logging onto my emails instead. Among the adverts and reminders, one of them stood out.

It was from the adoption team.

Dear Rosie

On further examination of Megan’s file, it has come to our attention that her birth mother has had contact in your home, a fact the adoption team has only recently become aware of. Unfortunately, after careful consideration and a full risk assessment, we feel that Megan’s interests would be best served by placing her with an existing adoptive family in a secure location, somewhere she cannot possibly be traced.

I understand this may come as disappointing news to you and your family, but, as I’m sure you will appreciate, Megan’s best interests and personal safety are paramount. We feel you have many attributes that would make you an excellent adoptive parent and welcome the opportunity to assess you on behalf of another child.

Please feel free to contact me if you feel there is anything you would like me to clarify.

Best

Veronica

It was only when I touched my hands to my face that I realised I was crying. At the sound of footsteps, I quickly clicked the mouse to minimise the screen and pushed the keyboard away from me. ‘What’s wrong?’ Emily asked, coming up behind the swivel chair.

‘Nothing,’ I said, with a quick sniff. I couldn’t face telling her right at that moment. I didn’t know how to break it to her, for a start, and part of me wanted to deal with my own feelings before I shared the news with anyone else. There was no way I could put a positive spin on Megan leaving, feeling the way I did.

‘M-u-m,’ Emily said chidingly. ‘I’m not a little girl any more. And I’m not as dumb as you think.’

I gave my eyes a brisk rub. ‘Of course you’re not dumb,’ I said, angling myself away and pretending to tidy up the pens on the desktop while I tried to organise my face into a smile. ‘I know you’re not dumb.’ I took a breath and grabbed the mouse, pulling the email back onto the screen. I turned to look at her. ‘It’s not very good news I’m afraid, sweetheart.’

‘That’s so unfair!’ Emily said feelingly, as she read the message over my shoulder. ‘They can’t do that, can they?’

‘She’s not ours, love,’ I said softly, wheeling the chair back and standing up. I slipped my arm around her midriff. I could feel her trembling with emotion. ‘We let ourselves forget it, but Megan doesn’t belong to us.’

Later that day, as we walked up the path to my mum’s house, the edge of the curtain in her front room fluttered. She was expecting us. ‘Here they come!’ I heard Mum call out from inside, even though she lived alone.

Megan charged ahead. ‘Nanny!’ she cried.

There is something so comforting about my mother’s house. Nothing ever seemed to change, from the clematis climbing up and over her door, to the peppermint smell of home cooking rising to greet us as soon as we walked into the hall. ‘Hello, my little treasure,’ Mum said, swooping Megan into her arms and kissing Emily and Jamie on the top of their heads. ‘Well, would you look at those long faces,’ she said as she ushered us in.

After talking to Emily and breaking the news to Jamie, I had called Mum to tell her about the email, but she was an expert at remaining cheerful, whatever was going on around her. ‘All right, love?’ she threw over her shoulder as she took Megan off into her front room.

‘Right, I’ve got jam doughnuts just out of the fryer, or there’s a bit of carrot cake left in the fridge. What do you fancy?’ The sight of her soft, slightly translucent skin was always a comfort, the creases at the corner of her eyes that deepened when she laughed, the slightly reddened dent between her brows where her glasses tended to rub.

‘Cake!’ Megan shouted, lifting her top to reveal her tummy. She patted it with flat hands. ‘Want cake!’

‘Come on then!’ Mum cried, holding out her hand. ‘You’d better come with me into the kitchen. What about the rest of you?’ she called out along the hall.

‘Nothing for me thanks, Nan,’ Emily said quietly.

‘Me neither,’ Jamie murmured. United in their gloom, they flopped down side by side on Mum’s sofa. Emily stared into space. Jamie leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, chin rested in his hands.

My mum shuffled backwards into the room, losing her slippers in the process. ‘Well, how about one of those lollies you like, the ones I get from Sainsbury’s?’

‘Not right now, Nan.’ Jamie answered. Emily shook her head.

‘Sod you then,’ she said, sliding her feet back into her slippers. Jamie grinned. ‘I’ll make up some squash and they can make do with that,’ she added as I followed her along her small hall. Framed photos of family members lined the walls, Megan taking her place among them. In the kitchen, the toddler was standing in front of the cupboards, waiting patiently. ‘Mr Kipling do you, will it?’ Mum asked, bending with a groan and pulling a packet of cakes from the cupboard.

Megan’s face lit up. Remembering to say thank you without a reminder, she grabbed one, and then ran back into the front room. ‘Sit down with it!’ Mum called out over the rattle of crockery. She flicked the switch on the kettle then, standing on tiptoe, pulled two cups and saucers out of her top cupboard, lining them neatly on the worktop. They were from the same tea set she had used for decades, the rosebuds around the outside rim faded to a barely there pink. ‘Right, now, I’ve been looking into it,’ Mum said hurriedly, as soon as we heard voices starting up from the other room. ‘And you’ve got rights.’

I leaned back against her small fridge. ‘I know, Mum, but where am I going to find the money for a solicitor?’

She slid a glass door aside in one of the small cupboards nearby and removed a china teapot. ‘I’ve still got that ISA I’ve been saving for a rainy day.’ Above the hiss of the kettle, her voice caught. ‘And it’s definitely raining now.’ She tutted, shook her head and poured some boiling water into the pot. After swilling it around and emptying the vestiges over the sink, she scooped up some tea leaves and scattered them over the bottom of the pot.

‘Mum, that’s lovely of you.’ I think every member of our family had been offered her ISA at one time or another. I was amazed she still had anything left in it. ‘But I think maybe they’re right. Maybe it’s not fair to keep her.’

‘Balls to being fair,’ Mum snapped. She hardly ever swore, but when she did, it shocked us to the core. ‘Life’s not fair,’ she added, ignoring my dropped jaw. But her mouth had fallen slack and her eyelids drooped. I had told her what Veronica had said about security, and the risks associated with Megan’s birth family knowing her whereabouts. Mum knew, once that idea was put into my mind, that I wouldn’t be able to square my conscience if I continued with my application.

A minute or two later, Mum pressed a cup of steaming tea into my chest, her answer to all the world’s problems. ‘I wish I could do something to help,’ she said with a sigh.

‘Being here helps,’ I said with a wan smile. And it was true. She couldn’t change anything or make it better, but somehow, simply being close to her and knowing she cared, made everything that little bit more bearable.

At the irregular pad of heavy footsteps from the other room, we both turned around. Megan was running down the hall towards us, chocolate crumbs clinging to her chin. I handed my cup to Mum and crouched down on the floor, hands stretched out. Megan ran forwards and planted herself firmly onto my lap, wriggling until her back rested against my chest. ‘No look sad, Mama,’ she said, reaching out and forcing my lips into a smile.

That evening I sat alone in the garden while Emily and Jamie caught up on some back episodes of the TV show Spooks. From my wicker chair I watched as a light wind picked up tiny flakes of blossom and scattered them over the path. They glistened under the light from the moon.

Torn by my love for Megan and a compulsion to do the right thing, my thoughts spiralled and churned, first one way, then the other. I wondered whether to contact the adoption team again and tell them that I would give notice to my landlord and search for a new house immediately, but I knew they were likely to object. Even I could see that it wasn’t fair to expect Megan to wait around for that to happen. Another part of me wondered how it could possibly be fair to wrench her away from all that was familiar: a secure home, her network of little friends and a loving, caring family. It seemed so cruel.

On the other hand, I suddenly thought with a touch of horror, perhaps I was guilty of not separating my own needs from Megan’s. Was it my own feelings I was thinking about, more than hers? There was every chance that she’d be happier with a mother and a father’s love. And anyway, I had finally been given a valid reason why Megan shouldn’t stay with us, one that made sense – her safety was a priority and there was no way around that.

I loved her, but that didn’t mean someone else couldn’t grow to love her just as much. Emily and Jamie had always seemed happy living with just one parent, but they saw their dad regularly, and their lives were undoubtedly all the richer for it. If Megan stayed with us, I would be denying her the opportunity to be loved by two parents. Should I fight for the chance to keep her, or let her go? It was a near impossible decision to make.

By the end of the evening, with a heavy heart, I decided that it was my duty to stand aside and give her that chance.

Chapter Thirty-One

Once I withdrew my application, things began to move very quickly. With Francis and Mirella Howard’s adoption panel date scheduled for mid-September, Hazel had arranged a one-hour contact session for Christina, Megan’s birth mother, at the beginning of the same month – an opportunity for her to say goodbye. Contact sessions usually lasted somewhere between 90 minutes and three hours, but since emotions inevitably ran high for the parting families, social workers aimed to avoid prolonging the agony of the final contact by keeping it brief.

Hazel had also organised a meeting between Megan and her birth father, Greg, which would take place straight afterwards. Greg had flown into the country a couple of days earlier, seizing his one final chance to meet Megan and wish her well. Hazel told me that she intended to supervise his contact so that she could take some photos for Megan’s life-story book.

Prone to over-identifying with other people, I woke that morning with a churning stomach and a lump in my throat. I could hardly imagine how Christina must be feeling. Her life was complicated and her problems had impacted negatively on Megan, but I didn’t think she was a bad person. Whatever the circumstances (with the exception of sexual abusers – I struggled to find a shred of sympathy in my heart for them), the permanent separation of a mother and her child was profoundly sad, and my heart went out to both of them on that day.

Not that Megan was aware of what was about to happen, or at least, so it seemed. Whenever I got her ready for a session with Christina I told her she was going for contact, and for the last few months she had begun to refer to their time together as ‘hay house’, in honour of the little playhouse she loved in the family centre garden. At just over two years old, her understanding was limited and I was never sure whether she had any idea of who Christina actually was. During the sessions she referred to her mother as ‘lady’, though I had been told by the contact supervisors that Christina sternly corrected her, saying repeatedly, ‘I’m your mummy, not Rosie. OK, yeah?’ I could understand her frustration at being sidelined, but once Megan’s adoption became inevitable, it seemed futile, unfair even, to press the point.

On the day of contact Megan woke soon after 7 a.m., belting out the theme tune of Balamory. When I went to her bedroom she greeted me with her usual beaming smile, holding her arms out over the bar of her cot. My mind fast-forwarded to the moment of our own parting as she sat on my lap with her morning milk, but I wasn’t going to allow my thoughts there, not before I had to. I held her extra close, pushing everything else firmly aside.

She was excited to wear the new dress I’d bought for the occasion – parents usually liked to take keepsake photos during the session, and I wanted Megan to look nice for her mum. After she was dressed she sat beside me on the sofa and I showed her the photograph album I had filled last night as a keepsake for Christina. Starting with pictures I had taken of her as a newborn baby in the special care baby unit and then continuing on through all her milestones; her first Christmas was included, our trips to the seaside, her birthday parties.

Megan’s short fingers scrabbled with the pages, her breath ragged with intrigue. She loved seeing photos of herself, particularly those from when she was tiny. ‘Baby Meggie,’ she said, touching the pages, and then, patting her own chest: ‘Big girl Megan.’ I laughed, squeezing her into a hug.

Another picture she took delight in was that of Emily sitting on the beach at Whitby, the sun high over her head and Megan in the background, holding a baby crab aloft in her hand. I felt a tightening beneath my breastbone as we came to the last few pages of the album, knowing that our own story would soon come to an end. There would be few opportunities now for family photos, at least ones with Megan included in them. There would be no pictures of her on her next birthday, or as a four-year-old in her uniform on her first day of school.

At a little after half past nine I gave Megan’s hair one last brush and stood at the window with her in my arms. Up until that day, I had always dropped her off at the family centre, a contact supervisor covering the return journey. But since it was Christina’s last contact, Hazel had arranged for social services to transport both ways, in case Christina or one of her friends made an attempt at abduction – if ever there was a moment when a distressed parent might try something reckless, it was during their final session of contact. It had happened before and I knew security at the family centre would be heightened, just in case. For my part, I was relieved that I didn’t have to witness their final hug; I had witnessed last farewells before, and the sadness of it stayed with me for days.

I saw Christina the next day though, at Megan’s LAC review. It was raining again, but, eager to avoid bumping into Veronica outside of the meeting, I took my time searching for a place to park, arriving at the council offices just a few minutes before the scheduled start. It wasn’t Veronica’s fault that Megan couldn’t stay with us, but for some reason I felt a lingering resentment towards her, probably because she had been the first to suggest that a new family had been found.

The receptionist directed me up to a small conference room on the top floor of the building. The air in the corridor up there was fusty, the carpet threadbare and so faded that the colour was unidentifiable; a greyish, milky fawn, like stale, cold tea. A few doors stood open to reveal mostly empty rooms, aluminium shelving abandoned in the corner of one, old, water-damaged books piled up in another.

When I entered the small conference room where the meeting was to be held, the first person I noticed was Alex Stone, a mature but wiry black man with a smooth bald head and brown eyes magnified by the thick-lensed glasses he wore. Standing at the head of a long oval table, Alex was shaking out a light grey overcoat, brushing at the suede collar with his free hand.

I had met Alex several times before and when he looked up and saw me he draped his coat over one of the nearby chairs and then strode over to shake my hand. Shunning the casual jumpers and cords popular in social work circles, Alex was dressed immaculately in a well-cut dark-blue suit and crisp pale-pink shirt, his tie a duskier, deeper pink. Still clutching my hand, he asked after Emily and Jamie, whose names he miraculously remembered, even though it must have been over a year since we’d last met.

Veronica met my eye only briefly as I skirted the table. I forced myself to offer her a smile, though I could only conjure a weak one. She nodded and smiled back, though seemed uncomfortable and quickly glanced away. ‘We’re still waiting for the child’s social worker,’ Alex said in a deep baritone voice as he took his own seat. ‘She called to say she’d be a few minutes late. I plan to begin soon after she arrives. I haven’t heard anything from the child’s mother, but one would hope that she’s on her way.’

Veronica gave a tiny, almost imperceptible snort. Annoyed, I glanced at her, but she kept her eyes focused on her notebook, her pen hovering above it. At the sound of a mobile going off, Alex lifted his hand in apology and left the room to take the call. Silence took over. Apart from the intermittent sound of car tyres on wet tarmac outside, there wasn’t a sound in the room. I found myself studying the empty aluminium chairs dotted around the table and piled high in one corner of the room. They put me in mind of the riverside café near our home, where hot drinks and pastries were served throughout the year from a wooden hut by a hardy soul who didn’t seem to notice the cold. I found myself wishing I was there now, Megan skipping around while I bought some pellets for the ducks (a profitable sideline for the tea hut), Emily and Jamie waiting for a bacon sandwich.

The sound of the door creaking transported me back into the room. Hazel came in first, a sodden umbrella hanging from her wrist by a handle of thin rope. Christina blasted in afterwards, following Hazel around the table and sitting in one of the chairs I’d been staring at. Christina’s eyes ran around the room. I smiled when she settled her gaze on me. ‘That got me here,’ she said, banging her hand on her chest. ‘What you did for me yesterday really got me. It was so nice.’ She must have noticed my blank expression because just as the door opened and Alex re-entered the room she said, ‘The photos.’

‘I’m glad you liked them,’ I said softly, as Alex cleared his throat. He waited for silence and then interlinked his hands, resting them on the dark-blue file in front of him.

‘Thank you, everyone. I’d like to start now, if I may. I’m Alex Stone, Independent Reviewing Officer for this meeting today.’ I remembered then that Alex was a stickler for following the proper procedures. There were only five of us in the room, but he asked that we announce our names and roles to the group, inclining his head first to Veronica. After Hazel and I introduced ourselves, all attention fell upon Christina.

She scowled. ‘It’s fucking obvious who I am.’ It was an accurate reply, honest and succinct. Veronica looked up from her notes, nostrils flared.

Alex dipped his head. ‘Indeed, indeed. And we’re very grateful to you for attending the meeting today, Christina. May I call you Christina?’

‘It’s my fucking name innit?’

Unruffled, Alex nodded. ‘Indeed. Precisely. Absolutely correct. Before we move on, may I say, Christina, that we appreciate this isn’t going to be an easy meeting for you. That much is acknowledged by all of us, I’m sure. Your attendance will be recorded in the minutes, and when Megan is older, if she chooses to read her file, she’ll know that you made an effort to attend.’ His eyes lingered on her for a moment, but when there was no response, he moved on. ‘The purpose of this meeting is to update ourselves with Megan’s progress and discuss the plans being put in place to secure permanence for her, now that a Full Care Order has been obtained. Hazel, would you bring us up to speed in terms of our legal position, please?’

Hazel opened her mouth to speak but Alex lifted his hand. ‘I beg your pardon, Hazel. May I just add, Christina,’ he looked across the table to where she was sitting, ‘that you have a right to call a halt to proceedings at any point if you hear something you don’t understand. I will endeavour to explain, but if we can’t resolve any misunderstanding between us, there are systems in place for you. I’ll furnish you with the details after the meeting, should you want details of leave to appeal.’

Christina stared at him with the hopeless expression of someone who didn’t have much confidence in anyone or anything, let alone the system. Was she right? I wondered. I was still hoping for someone in authority to overturn Veronica’s decision. I may have disagreed with a few social workers along the way, but my faith in the department as a whole was still intact.

Hazel clarified the legal position – a Full Care Order meant that Christina had been stripped of her parental rights, and no longer shared responsibility for Megan’s care with the state – and then went into detail about future contact with her birth family. Christina and Greg had both been granted two letterbox contacts a year, providing them with the opportunity of writing letters to Megan, which would be forwarded to her new family via the adoption team. Adoptive parents were expected to respond twice a year with letters of their own, and perhaps drawings or something personal from the child. As Hazel spoke, Christina stared around the room with slack-jawed disinterest, intermittently scrolling through her phone. ‘Has the final contact taken place?’ Alex asked, when Hazel eventually fell silent.

The social worker nodded. ‘Yes, yesterday. And I have to say, Christina dealt with the situation extremely well.’

‘What fucking choice did I have?’ Christina demanded, though she spoke the words mildly, her attention absorbed by something on her screen.

‘Well, you’d be surprised, Christina,’ Hazel said, staring at the top of the young woman’s head. ‘You held yourself together for Megan’s sake. Not all parents are able to do that. We were very grateful.’ Christina looked up, snorted with disdain and lowered her eyes again.

‘Indeed. Well done, Christina,’ Alex chimed. She didn’t respond. ‘OK, so,’ he turned to me, ‘Rosie, would you tell us how Megan is doing at the moment, please?’

It was a task I had been expecting, but when I tried to find my voice, a lump rose in my throat. I waited a beat or two, trying to concentrate on the rain running down the windows opposite. It worked, and for the next five minutes I spoke clearly about Megan’s day-to-day routines and the things she enjoyed doing, capturing the essence of her with no outward sign of the turmoil going on in my chest. Hazel’s eyes widened when I told them that Megan no longer wore nappies during the day, surprised to hear that, even though I’d only introduced the potty last week, she was already dry.

Alex smiled warmly as I spoke. Christina looked up intermittently, and Veronica smiled insipidly. ‘What you’ve said concurs with the report I’ve received from the paediatrician who conducted Megan’s health-care assessment,’ Alex said, when I fell silent. ‘She seems to be doing very well.’

‘Absolutely,’ Hazel chipped in. ‘She’s a very happy little girl.’ I might have imagined it, but there seemed to be an edge to her tone, as if she had a point to make.

‘Indeed, very pleasing. Hazel, would you care to update the meeting on current plans.’

Hazel nodded. ‘A Full Care Order was secured on 12 July. In line with procedure, Megan’s file has been passed to the adoption team. They’ve identified several couples who might be able to meet Megan’s needs, with one couple standing out as being particularly suitable. I’ll let Veronica fill you in a bit more on that. Rosie, her foster carer, had asked to be considered, but the adoption team have ruled that option out,’ Hazel said, pointedly again, I thought. Christina looked up sharply. ‘In the interests of placing Megan swiftly into permanence, Rosie has since withdrawn her application.’

‘I see,’ Alex said, his eyes meeting mine. He looked puzzled, but Veronica jumped in quickly before he could say anything.

‘We have a couple due to attend matching panel in about ten days,’ she offered, without prompting.

‘Yes, a-ha.’ Alex placed his hands on the table. He stared at them for a few moments and then he fixed his gaze back on the social worker. ‘Veronica, may I press upon you the importance of exploring all avenues when considering where Megan’s best interests lie, not just those you may have originally had in mind.’

Veronica stiffened, taking on a haughty expression. A rapid exchange ensued between them, one that I was only peripherally aware of. I was busy praying for Christina to show some sort of reaction. Something was happening – her phone lay abandoned on the table, her fingers frozen above the keys. Her eyes were running around the assembled group and she was frowning with incomprehension. Come on, I thought. Please say something. When she looked at me I gave the tiniest shrug of my shoulders, raising one eyebrow just a fraction. It was a subtle incitement to action but at first it didn’t seem to have any effect. Christina looked away. Then she gave a long, slow blink. ‘What did you just say?’

Veronica had been addressing the group but she stopped in mid-sentence. ‘I’m sorry?’

‘Not you. Her.’ Christina flicked her be-ringed forefinger at Hazel. ‘What did you just say?’

Hazel’s expression was non-committal, but I got the impression it was the reaction she’d been hoping for. ‘Er, I was just listening to Veronica actually, Christina.’

‘I know that. I’m talking about a minute ago, before she started waffling. What you said about her.’ She flicked her finger at me. Veronica suddenly looked uncomfortable. She squared her shoulders as Hazel repeated what she’d said. Christina listened with her mouth open. ‘You ain’t serious. Is she for real?’ she demanded, looking at me. I nodded but I didn’t say anything, my lips pressed together. ‘Who the fuck decided that was a good idea?’ Christina scanned the faces in front of her, jaw hanging, though this time there was purpose in her eyes. They were blazing with fury. I felt a huge surge of affection for her.

For a moment there was silence, and then Veronica cleared her throat. ‘We have a number of excellent couples who have been waiting for a suitable child,’ she said, emphasising the pluralism. ‘And one in particular who stand out as being –’

‘Yeah, yeah, you said all that already. But that’s her mum sitting there,’ Christina interrupted, jabbing her forefinger at me. ‘Or it may as fucking well be. It ain’t me who got up to her every night when she was puking, was it? I’d have loved to have that chance, but ’cos of you lot I couldn’t. So Rosie did it instead. And she always dressed her beautiful. Remember that pink tracksuit you put her in?’ she demanded, looking at me. ‘She looked like a princess in that.’ I didn’t think princesses were known for their tracksuits, but Christina could have come out with whatever she liked at that moment, as far as I was concerned. There was a valid reason why Megan couldn’t stay with me – it wasn’t Veronica’s fault, or anyone else’s, but after her initial disapproval, it felt good to hear Christina speaking out for me. I could have hugged her. In fact, in that moment I loved her – her husky voice, the profanities, the bizarre and random one-liners; I loved it all.

‘So what you gonna do with her then? Dump her with strangers?’

Veronica lifted her chin, gathering her composure. ‘Not at all,’ she returned coolly. ‘We’re highly experienced at matching the right child with the right adoptees. As I said before, we have an excellent couple in mind for Megan. We think she’ll be very happy with them.’

‘Perfect couple? Fuck that,’ Christina snapped. ‘They could be divorced next year for all you know. Whereas she’s already fucked things up in that department, so there’s no nasty surprises waiting for her, you get me?’

I choked a cough at that, I couldn’t help myself. I felt very close to giggling. ‘I ain’t being funny or nuffink, Rosie, but you know what I mean. Better the devil you know, ain’t it? And I can see my girl is happy. She counted to ten yesterday, do you know what I mean? That kid’s a genius. Only just two years of age and she counted to ten.’ Christina turned to address the others, the sorrow plain on her face. ‘I had to say goodbye to her, do you hear that? Yesterday, I had to say goodbye to my baby girl. I probably ain’t never gonna see her again. Nearly broke my fucking heart, but knowing she’s with someone that teached her to count, that makes it a little bit better, see? And I thank you for that, Rosie,’ Christina banged her hand flat against her chest again, her eyes fixed on me again. The translucent crescents of tiredness beneath her eyes pulsed a faint blue. ‘I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I really do. I just wish you could adopt me too.’

There was no guile in her. I knew that whatever she said could be taken at face value, and her sincerity touched me. I nodded, gave her a grateful smile, and then returned my attention to the aluminium chairs. I was close to tears myself, but if I’m honest, they were as much for myself as for Christina.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Veronica called two weeks later to let me know that Francis and Mirella Howard had been approved by the adoption panel as a suitable match for Megan. The news came as no surprise to me – like the panels held every three years to reassess a foster carer’s approval, the outcome was usually a foregone conclusion, the relevant paperwork having been submitted to individual panel members weeks in advance – but when Veronica told me that the prospective adopters wanted to meet me, the full magnitude of what was about to happen really started to hit home.

‘Would next week suit you?’ Veronica asked coolly over the line. Megan clambered for the phone. Clutching rolls of my jumper in her hands, she scaled my shins and tried to get a foothold on my knees.

‘Who dat?’ Megan demanded, releasing one hand and swinging from me as she made a grab for the receiver. ‘Me speak Nanny!’ she shouted.

‘It’s not Nanny, sweetie,’ I whispered.

There was a pained silence at the other end of the line. It seemed Veronica was getting impatient. ‘The beginning of October?’ she prompted. ‘We were thinking the afternoon of the 4th.’

I felt a pang in my heart as I confirmed the time and ended the call. I knelt down and folded Megan into my arms. ‘Love you all much, Mama,’ she said, stretching one of her hands as high as it would go. I smiled. ‘I love you all up too,’ I said, kissing the top of her head. A rush of guilt swept over me. Abandoning my application felt like a betrayal of her, despite my doing it with the best of intentions.

On the morning of 4 October I forced myself to eat some toast while the others tucked into their porridge. Ever since Veronica had called about the meeting with the Howards I hadn’t been able to shake the nauseous, swooping feeling in my stomach. Megan’s adoption suddenly became all the more real.

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