Copyright

Fourth Estate

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Copyright © Edward Phillips 1996

Illustrations © Andy Hunt 1996

Edward Phillips asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

Photoset in Linotron Goudy Old Style by Rowland Phototypesetting Limited Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk

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Source ISBN: 9780006387121

Ebook Edition © JUNE 2016 ISBN: 9780008192006

Version: 2016-09-28

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Acknowledgements

Epigraph

The World’s Best Sailing Jokes

Keep Reading

Also Available

About the Publisher

Acknowledgements

My thanks are due to Alan Williams and M. Kilcoyne for their contributions to this collection of sailing anecdotes.

Epigraph

‘There is nothing – absolutely nothing – half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.’

KENNETH GRAHAME

The Wind in the Willows

The World’s Best Sailing Jokes

An Irishman went out alone in a small skiff and ran into bad weather. His craft foundered on a reef and he waited several hours before he was finally spotted and rescued. When they saw his radio, the rescuers asked why he hadn’t sent out an S.O.S. ‘I would have done,’ he replied, ‘but I didn’t know how to spell it.’

For many months, the first mate had reported to the captain’s cabin first thing every morning, and each time he had seen the captain unlock a drawer in his desk, glance at a piece of paper inside, and then lock the drawer again. He was greatly puzzled by this, but didn’t like to mention it to the skipper. One day, the captain, who was getting on in years, sadly passed away. Amongst his effects was the key to the mysterious drawer, and overcome by curiosity, the first mate took the opportunity to unlock that drawer. Inside was a single piece of paper bearing the words: ‘PORT IS LEFT, STARBOARD IS RIGHT.’

On the first morning at sea, the captain had just finished welcoming the cruise passengers on the ship’s loudspeaker system. Forgetting that he hadn’t turned off the microphone, he turned to his second-in-command and said, ‘That’s that! Now I’ll just have a coffee and then go and lay that new red-headed stewardess in cabin seventeen!’ The stewardess in question was busy in the dining saloon and on hearing the captain’s words, she blushed bright scarlet and ran off to the bridge to tell the captain to turn off his mike. ‘There’s no need to rush, dear,’ said a kind old lady as she passed. ‘The captain said he was going to have a cup of coffee first.’

There is an old Irish cure for seasickness: ‘Sit under a tree.’

Offshore sailing is a very character-building pursuit. If there’s anything in you at all, the sea will bring it out.

An amateur sailor’s skiff was stuck on a sandbar. He spotted a couple of his mates in a dinghy nearby and shouted, ‘I’m stuck on a sandbar! I’ll have to wait till the tide comes in. When you get back, can you tell my wife I’ll be late home.’ When his friends got back on shore, they called round to the sailor’s wife and said, ‘Bill won’t be home for several hours. He’s stuck over a bar.’ ‘Typical,’ said the wife. ‘Which pub is he in this time?’

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with a boat?

To the other side.

And what do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?’

About half-way across.

Malone was out in a boat with his friend Paddy McGinty. Suddenly the boat sprang a leak at one end. Paddy made another hole next to it, saying, ‘It’s all right, Malone – this’ll let the water out!’ Malone smiled and said, ‘I’m not worried, Paddy – it’s not leaking at my end!’

During the Second World War, the captain of a destroyer lying in Portsmouth Harbour noticed a fisherman rowing alongside in his boat, towing a German mine. ‘What the hell do you think you’re playing at?’ yelled the captain. ‘Keep that damn thing away from this boat!’ The fisherman shouted, ‘Don’t worry, skipper – I’ve knocked the horns off with me boat-hook!’

Doris: | ‘Did you enjoy your boat trip yesterday with Sam?’
Freda: | ‘Not much. Not only did he lie to me about the size of his yacht, he made me do all the rowing!’

The skipper of an old tramp steamer was very meticulous about the accuracy of his entries in the log. One evening, when the ship was in port, the mate came back on board ship very late and very much the worse for drink. The skipper duly entered the details in the log: ‘Mate drunk today.’ When the mate protested, the skipper said, ‘Well, it was true and I had to record it.’ A few days later, it was the mate’s turn to make the entries in the log, and he duly entered the following observation: ‘Captain sober today.’ The skipper said, ‘How dare you write that in the logbook!’ To which the mate replied, ‘Well, it was true so I had to record it!’

One night, some miles out in the Channel, the captain of a fishing smack went below with his crew for supper, leaving the wheel in the charge of a very inexperienced cabin boy. Before going below, the skipper assured the lad, ‘Don’t worry, son – you’ll be all right. Just steer by that star up there.’ Unfortunately, the cabin boy soon ran the ship off course so the star in question lay astern instead of ahead. Panic-stricken, the lad shouted down, ‘Hey, Skipper, come and find us another star – I’ve passed the first one!’

The members of an exclusive South Coast yacht club were all local businesmen. The owner of the largest yacht found himself one man short on the eve of a big race, and he persuaded a non-sailing acquaintance to stand in for the missing crew member. As the yacht set off on the first leg of the race, the skipper yelled, ‘Let go that jib-sheet!’ ‘What are you talking about!’ came the indignant reply. ‘I’m not touching the damn thing!’

‘Has anyone ever told you what a brilliant sailor you are?’

‘No.’

‘Well, where did you get the idea from?’

Did you hear about the Irishman who was marooned on a desert island? One day a large rowing boat was washed ashore on the beach – so he broke it up to build a raft.

A young university man was being consoled by his mother after his crew had lost the Oxford-Cambridge Boat Race. ‘Never mind, dear,’ she said. ‘You rowed faster than anyone else in your boat!’

Following a disastrous shipwreck, the father of one of the crew members was asked to describe any distinguishing marks his son possessed so that the authorities could identify the body. ‘Well,’ said the man, ‘my son was deaf, if that’s any help.’

One night, arriving in the roads, the captain of a freighter approaching Valparaiso was surprised to find an island on his chart which he had never seen before. He spent the entire night beating round the island, only to find the next morning that he had been trying to sail round a squashed fly on his chart.

Captain: | ‘What a storm that was! Thank heavens it’s blown over. Good God! Where’s the mizzen mast?’
Deckhand: | ‘Search me, Skipper. How long has it been mizzen?’

It’s fascinating to see the names people give to their boats – and have you noticed that there is often a Roman numeral after the name? So you get Merrimac III, Martha IV, Adventurer II, and so on. A friend of mine has the right idea. The name painted on the side of his little skiff is Paid IV.

A visitor was walking round the docks at Southampton. He stopped a passing docker and said, ‘Where can I find the urinal?’ ‘How many funnels has she got?’ the docker replied.

Coastguard HQ to boat some miles out in the English Channel: ‘How’s the visibility out there?’

Skipper: ‘I don’t know! I can’t see a thing for this damn fog!’

‘Look here,’ said the yacht club member to the secretary, ‘this new rule allowing members to bring their wives on special trips is very unfair to bachelors like myself. Can’t I bring my girlfriend?’ ‘Well,’ said the secretary thoughtfully, ‘I suppose that would be all right – provided she was the wife of a member.’

The royal yacht Britannia was cruising off Hong Kong one night when a light suddenly appeared ahead. The captain signalled ahead and then sent a radio warning but the light still steadily bore down on the Britannia. Coming within hailing distance, the captain seized a megaphone and yelled, ‘Ahoy there! This is the royal yacht Britannia with Her Majesty on board! Make way!’ From the darkness ahead, a voice replied, ‘Make way yourself! This is honourable Hong Kong lighthouse!’

One of the first large vessels in recorded history was Noah’s Ark, which carried a male and female of every living creature. It was the first and last cruise ship on which the sexes were evenly matched.

A young man was dancing with a rather haughty young lady at the yacht club annual dance. After treading on her feet for the third time, he said apologetically, ‘You’ll have to excuse me – I’m a little stiff from sailing.’

‘I don’t care where you come from,’ she replied. ‘You’re not dancing with me again!’

(Although a joke should never have to be explained, it is worth pointing out here that Saling is a village near Braintree in Essex.)

Teacher: | ‘Can anybody tell me whether George Washington was a soldier or a sailor?’
Freddy: | ‘I think he was a soldier, Miss.’
Teacher: | ‘And what makes you think that?’
Freddy: | ‘Because I saw a picture of him crossing the Delaware and anybody who would stand up in a rowing boat like that is no sailor!’

‘I was out on the boat this morning,’ said the yachtsman, ‘and there was a little skiff about twenty yards away. There was a really smashing girl on deck and suddenly she slipped and fell overboard. Without hesitating, I dived straight in, swam over, brought her back to my yacht, and gave her artificial recreation.’ ‘You mean “respiration”,’ said his friend, ‘that’s the correct term. “Recreation” is when you’re enjoying yourself.’ ‘You stick to your terms, and I’ll stick to mine!’ his pal replied.

A naval rating at Dartmouth was attending a swimming class. He was ordered to dive from a fifteen-foot platform and promptly refused the order. ‘Look here,’ said the swimming instructor, ‘if you were on a sinking ship fifteen feet above the water, what would you do?’ ‘I’d wait for the ship to sink about fourteen feet!’ he replied.

On the lower reaches of the great Mississippi, a boatman operated a ferry across a very wide stretch of the river, which was full of treacherous currents and whirlpools. On one crossing, the ferryboat was tossed all over the place and an anxious old lady asked whether any passengers were ever lost in the river. ‘No, ma’am,’ the ferry man assured her. ‘We always find them again next day.’

Leisure-time sailors nowadays are advised to use an idea from America called the Buddy System. This has done away with sailors drowning, except in pairs.

Donegan and Murphy were on a transatlantic liner crossing to the USA. As the ship approached New York, a voice came over the loudspeaker. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to be able to announce that we have made the crossing in three days, twenty-three hours precisely.’ ‘Is that a record?’ asked Donegan. ‘No,’ said Murphy, ‘that’s the captain speaking.’

Pat and Mike took a boat out for a sail around the bay. Suddenly a large wave struck the boat broadside and it capsized. Both men were hurled into the water. Pat swam for the shore, then plunged straight back into the sea again. ‘What are you doing?’ shouted a bystander. ‘I’m going back for Mike!’ Pat yelled. ‘I had to save myself first!’

I took the cross-Channel ferry to Calais last month. Never again! I was so seasick, the captain had to heave to.

She: ‘You remind me of the sea.’

He: ‘Wild, romantic and restless?’

She: ‘No. You make me sick.’

My grandfather tried to join the Navy during the war. At his interview in the recruiting office, he was asked if he could swim. ‘Why?’ he replied. ‘Haven’t you got any ships?’

A fellow was invited out on a trip across the Channel by a friend of his, a keen yachtsman. He was very nervous and when they were about half-way across, he asked his host anxiously, ‘Just how close are we to land?’ ‘About a mile,’ said the yachtsman. ‘In which direction?’ ‘Straight down!’

How many Irishmen does it take to launch a ship?

A thousand and one. One to hold the champagne bottle and a thousand to bang the ship against it.

A magician was working as an entertainer on a luxury liner. The ship also possessed a parrot who used to watch the magician’s show every night, and each time the conjuror finished a trick, the parrot would mutter, ‘It’s up his sleeve!’ or ‘It’s down his trouser leg!’ or some such disparaging remark. The conjuror was naturally furious about this but there was very little he could do about it. And then one night, the ship struck an iceberg and sank almost immediately. The conjuror thrashed about in the water for some time and finally managed to pull himself onto a raft, only to find the parrot already perched on the bow. The parrot stared at him malevolently for several minutes and then said, ‘All right, I give up. Where’s the damn ship?’

A keen sailor had a friend whose main hobby was game shooting. He invited him out for a sail one windy day and they had only been out for a few hours when suddenly the wind changed direction and the boat started to jibe. The yachtsman yelled, ‘Duck!’ His friend stood up and shouted, ‘Where?’ – and was promptly knocked overboard by the boom.

Did you hear about the girl whose ambition was to marry a sailor and rear admirals?

The captain of the Roman galley shouted to the slave-master, ‘More speed! I want more speed!’ Ten minutes later, he shouted again, ‘What’s going on down there? I asked for more speed – why aren’t we going any faster?’ The slave-master said, ‘It’s number thirty-five, sir – he won’t work any faster and he’s holding the others back.’ ‘Well, give him the whip, then!’ shouted the captain. A few minutes later, the slave-master reported to the captain: ‘It’s number thirty-five, sir – I’m afraid I whipped him too hard. He’s dead.’ ‘Right!’ said the captain. ‘Whip them all!’ ‘What – everybody?’ said the slave-master. ‘Yes!’ said the captain. ‘Isn’t that what you usually do when somebody dies – have a whip-round?’

‘What was that noise?’

‘They’ve just dropped the anchor.’

‘I was afraid of that. It’s been dangling there all day.’

The great industrialist Sir Thomas Lipton was a keen yachting enthusiast. He entered many of the biggest yacht races but never succeeded in winning any of them. One of his staunchest friends was chatting to a rival yachtsman in the club one day about Lipton’s singular lack of success. ‘You know what it is, don’t you?’ said the rival. ‘They put something in the water.’ ‘Do they?’ said Sir Thomas’s friend. ‘What?’ ‘The other yachts!’ was the reply.

A young lady who hailed from Sri Lanka,

Was asleep while the yacht lay at anchor.

She awoke in dismay

When she heard a voice say,

‘Just hoist up her top sheet and spanker!’

During the war, WRENS used to wear regular issue bell-bottom trousers, but as these were in short supply, the Admiralty issued a directive which stated: ‘In the future, all WRENS must give up their trousers to ratings on demand.’

Two Irishmen took a boat out on the lake and settled down for a day’s fishing. Luck was on their side and they soon had a considerable haul of fish. ‘I wish we could find this spot again tomorrow,’ said Mick. ‘Well,’ said Pat, ‘we could chalk an X on the side of the boat so that we could find it again.’ ‘Don’t be stupid!’ said Mick. ‘We might not get the same boat tomorrow!’

Two young girls were holidaying at the seaside and one fine day, they decided to hire a boat and go for a sail. Unfortunately, they had no idea how to handle the boat and as the weather was very calm and there was no wind, they very soon found themselves becalmed. Luckily, a fishing boat appeared and without saying a word, the skipper threw the girls a line and began to tow them back to the shore. Feeling a little embarrassed, one of the girls shouted across, ‘I suppose you must have a very poor opinion of women sailors!’ The skipper looked across and said, ‘Ain’t never met one.’

Lady passenger: | Steward, can you tell me where I can find the captain?’
Steward: | ‘The captain is forward, Miss.’
Lady passenger: | ‘I don’t mind. After all, this is a pleasure cruise, isn’t it?’

The captain of a luxury liner switched on the intercom and made the following announcement: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we are at last on our way and I apologize for the long delay in leaving harbour. I’m pleased to announce that we haven’t got a bomb on board as we first feared. At least, if we have, we haven’t been able to find it.’

It is often asked why a ship is called ‘she’. The answer is simple: there is usually a gang of men about her; it takes an experienced man to handle her correctly, and a lot of paint to keep her looking good; it’s not the initial expense that breaks you, it’s the upkeep; and when she comes into port, she always heads for the buoys.

I suppose you heard about the freighter that sank nineteen times on one trip? It was carrying a cargo of yo-yos.

A young naval student was being examined on his knowledge of seamanship by a grizzled old admiral. ‘Suppose you were at sea,’ said the admiral, ‘and a sudden storm sprang up to starboard. What would you do?’ ‘Throw out an anchor, sir,’ said the student. ‘And suppose another storm sprang up aft?’ ‘I’d throw out another anchor, sir.’ ‘And if a third storm sprang up forward?’ ‘Throw out another anchor, sir.’ ‘Just a minute,’ said the admiral. ‘Where are you getting all these anchors from?’ ‘Same place as you’re getting your storms, sir.’

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