# The Secret of Happy Children: A guide for parents

Steve Biddulph

This book – a classic worldwide bestseller – aims to let parents be themselves and children grow up happy, full of self-esteem and feeling loved.Steve Biddulph lets you into the mind of your child to show how the positive ways in which you relate to a child will have a strong effect on growing self esteem, responsibility, stable emotions and present and future happiness.He shows how negative language will affect children and explains why children may rebel and how you should deal with any discipline problem that should occur.You will find out how kids experience emotions such as anger, fear, apathy. Other issues are discussed such as fathering, ages and stages, stopping tantrums before they start, and curing shyness.The book is full of scenarios, familiar dialogues and case histories with cartoons.

## Copyright

Thorsons

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd. 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published in Australia by Bay Books 1984

Revised edition 1988

Angus & Robertson edition 1995

Published by Thorsons 1998

© Steve and Shaaron Biddulph 1984, 1988, 1993, 1998

Steve and Shaaron Biddulph assert the moral right to be identified as the authors of this work

Illustrations by Allan Stomann

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks

HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication

Source ISBN: 9780722536698

Ebook Edition © NOVEMBER 2012 ISBN: 9780007388318

Version: 2016-09-08

The secret of

happy

children

Steve Biddulph


## Dedication

Thanks to all in the Transactional Analysis community from the early seventies onwards, especially Colin McKenzie, Pat McKenzie, the Maslens, the Mellors, and Jean Grigor. These people both saved my life, and set me on this wonderful road. To my parents for a good start. To my partner Shaaron Biddulph for all that she has taught and given me. To Doro, June and everyone at Parent Network for bringing my work to England. To everyone at Thorsons UK. And to all of us parents everywhere, for struggling on and still remembering how to laugh.

## Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Foreword

1 Seeds in the Mind You hypnotise your children every single day. You may as well do it properly!

2 What Children Really Want It’s cheaper than video games, and healthier than ice-cream!

3 Curing by Listening How to help your child deal with an unkind world

4 Kids and Emotions What is really going on?

5 The Assertive Parent Firmness. Do it – now.

6 Family shape Dad? Who’s Dad?

7 Ages and Stages Do you mean this is normal?

8 Energy and How to Save It Good news – your children need you healthy and happy.

9 Special Situations How you can help if you’re a teacher, a politician, a grandparent, neighbour or friend.

Postscript

Keep Reading

Appendix

The Story Behind this Book

About the Author

About the Publisher


## Foreword

Why are so many adults unhappy?

Think of all the people who have problems – who lack confidence, cannot make a decision, worry about little details, can’t relax, or can’t make friends with other people. Think of those who are aggressive, putting people down and ignoring the needs of those around them. Add to the above all those just holding on until the next drink or the next tranquilliser.

In one of the richest, most peaceful countries in the world, unhappiness is epidemic. One adult in every five will at some time need psychiatric care, one marriage in three ends in divorce, one adult in four needs medication to relax. It’s a great life!

Unemployment and difficult economic circumstances don’t help, but unhappiness is present in all income groups – rich, poor and in-between. It’s a problem, in fact, that no amount of money seems to solve.

On the other hand, we are often puzzled by some people’s constant cheerfulness and optimism. Why is it that, in some individuals, the human spirit blossoms in spite of apparent hardship?

The fact of the matter is that many people have unhappiness programmed into them. They have been unwittingly taught to be unhappy and are simply living out the script. When reading this book you may realise that, by accident, you are hypnotising your children into disliking themselves, and causing them to have problems which may last a lifetime.

How this happens and how to change it – in fact, how to create happy children – is what this book is all about.

### 1 Seeds in the mind. You hypnotise your children every single day. You may as well do it properly!


It’s nine o’clock at night and I’m sitting in my office with a tearful fifteen-year old girl. She is dressed in fashionable, older-than-her-years clothes, but the effect is only to make her look more helpless and childlike. We are talking about the fact that she is pregnant and what can be done about it.

This is familiar ground for me, and for anyone who works with teenagers. It doesn’t mean, though, that it can be hurried. What matters is that, for the young woman sitting in front of me, this is the worst day of her life and she needs all the support, time and clarity, that I can offer. About all, she must make her own decision.

I ask about her parents’ likely reaction – when they find out. She almost spits out the answer.

‘Oh, they’ll say they told me so. They always said I’d never amount to nothing!’

Later, as I drive home, that one sentence stays in my mind. ‘They always said I’d never amount to nothing.’ I’ve often heard parents talk to kids like that.

‘You’re hopeless.’

‘God, you’re a nuisance.’

‘You’ll be sorry, just you see.’

‘You’re as bad as your Uncle Merv’ (who’s in jail).

‘You’re just like your Auntie Eve’ (who’s fond of a drink).

‘You’re crazy, do you hear?’

This is the kind of programming that many youngsters grow up with; it is passed on unwittingly by overwrought parents and continues as a kind of family curse down the generations. It’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy because saying it often enough makes it come true. Children, with their brilliant, perceptive, strangely co-operative ways, will usually live up to our expectations!

These are extreme examples, which we’d all recognise at once as destructive. Most negative programming, however, is much more subtle. Observe children playing in a vacant block, climbing trees. ‘You’ll fall! Watch out! You’ll slip!’ cries the voice of the anxious mother from over the fence.

The slightly drunk father ends a half-hearted argument with his wife, who goes off in a ‘huff’ to buy some cigarettes. ‘There y’are son, never trust a woman. They’ll just use y’up.’ The seven-year-old looks up solemnly and nods. Yes, Dad.

And in a million sitting rooms and kitchens:

‘God, you’re lazy.’

‘You’re so selfish.’

‘You silly idiot, stop that.’

‘Dumb!’

‘Give it to me, stupid!’

‘Don’t be such a pest.’

What we have discovered is that this kind of comment doesn’t only have the obvious effect of making the child feel bad momentarily. Put-downs also have a hypnotic effect and act unconsciously, like seeds in the mind, seeds which will grow and shape the person’s self-image, eventually becoming true facts about the child’s personality.

How do we hypnotise our children?

Hypnosis and suggestion have long been a source of fascination to people. They seem slightly mystical and unreal and yet are well accepted scientifically. Most people have witnessed them, perhaps as part of a stage show, for getting help to cure a habit, or for relaxation.

We are familiar with the key elements of hypnosis: the use of some device to distract the mind (‘vatch ze vatch’), the commanding tone (‘you will feel nothing’), and the rhythmic, repetitious tone of the hypnotist’s speech. We also know about post-hypnotic suggestion, the ability to implant a command which the unsuspecting person later carries out, often to his or her dismay, at a given signal. It all makes for good theatre, but also for excellent therapy in the hands of a qualified practitioner.

What most people don’t realise, however, is that hypnosis is an everyday event. Whenever we use certain patterns of speech, we reach into the unconscious minds of our children and program them, even though we have no such intention.

The old concept – that hypnosis required an altered state of mind, or trance – has been abandoned. This was only one form of unconscious learning. The rather frightening truth is that the human mind can be programmed in normal waking life beneath the awareness of the person involved. Already in the US, many sales and advertising people are being trained in the use of hypnotic methods embedded in normal business conversation – a chilling concept (For more details, see ‘Further Information’ in the Appendix.) Fortunately hypnosis requires great skill to use in a manipulative way, and can be countered if the subject becomes aware of the process. Accidental hypnosis, though, is so much part of everyday life that parents – without realising it – implant messages in their child’s mind, and these messages, unless strongly contradicted, will echo on for a lifetime.

Hypnotised without knowing it

The late Dr Milton Erikson was recognised as the world’s foremost hypnotist. He was once called upon to treat a man who suffered extreme pain from cancer, was refusing to have hypnosis and was not being helped by painkillers. Erikson simply stopped by his private ward and talked about the man’s hobby of growing tomatoes.

A careful listener could have detected the unusual rhythm in Erikson’s speech and the stressing of odd phrases, like ‘deep down’ (in-the soil), growing ‘good and strong’, ‘easy’ (to pick), ‘warm and loose’ (in the glasshouse). Also, the observer could have noted that Erikson’s face and posture changed very slightly as he spoke those key phrases. The man in question simply thought that it was a pleasant exchange. Until he died, however, five days later, as doctors knew he must, the man felt no pain.

‘You’ messages

A child’s mind is full of questions. Perhaps the greatest of these are the questions, ‘Who am I?’, ‘What kind of person am I?’, ‘Where do I fit in?’. These are the questions of self-definition, or identity, upon which we base our lives as adults, and from which we make all our key decisions. Because of this a child’s mind is remarkably affected by statements which begin with the words, ‘You are’.

Whether the message is ‘You are so lazy’ or ‘You’re a great kid’, these statements from the important ‘big’ people will go deeply and firmly into the child’s unconsciousness. I have heard so many adults, overcome by a life crisis, recalling what they were told as a child: ‘I’m so useless, I know I am’.

Psychologists, like many professional groups, tend to complicate things just a little, and call these statements ‘attributions’. These attributions crop up again and again in adult life.


‘Why don’t you apply for that promotion?’

‘No, I’m not good enough.’

‘But he’s just like your last husband. Why did you marry him?’

‘I’m just stupid, I guess.’

‘Why do you let them push you around like that?’

‘That’s the story of my life.’

These words – ‘not good enough’, ‘just stupid’, did not come out of the blue. They are recorded in people’s brains because they were said to them at an age when they were unable to question their truthfulness. ‘But surely,’ I can hear you saying, ‘children must disagree with the “you” messages they are given?’

Certainly children think about the things that are said to them, checking for accuracy. But they may have no comparisons. At times we are all lazy, selfish, untidy, stupid, forgetful, mischievous, and so on. The preacher in the old-time church was on a sure thing when he thundered out, ‘You have sinned!’ – everyone had!

‘Adults know everything; they can even read your mind.’ Such are the thoughts of a child. So when a child is told ‘You’re clumsy’, he or she becomes nervous, and is clumsy. The child told ‘You’re a pest’ feels the rejection, becomes desperate for reassurance and so does pester. The child told ‘You’re an idiot’ may violently disagree on the outside, but inside can only sadly agree. You’re the adult, so you must be right.

‘You’ messages work at both the conscious and unconscious levels. In our work we’ve often asked children to describe themselves, and they will say things like ‘I’m a bad kid’, ‘I’m a nuisance’.

Others, though, will show evidence of confusion – ‘Mum and Dad say they love me, but I don’t think they do’. Consciously they hear the words, but unconsciously they hear/see/smell the feeling behind the words.

It’s all in the way we say it. We can choose to say to children, ‘I’m angry with you and I want you to tidy up your toys NOW!’ and have no fears about lasting effects. If we say, ‘You lazy little brat, why don’t you ever do what you’re told?’ and repeat this kind of message when-ever conflict occurs, then the result will come as no surprise.


Don’t pretend to be happy or loving when you aren’t feeling that way – it’s confusing and can make children become evasive and in time quite disturbed. We can be honest about our feelings, without putting children down. They can handle ‘I’m really tired today’, or ‘Right now I’m too angry…’ especially if this matches what they have sensed all along. It helps them realise that you are human too, which has got to be a good thing.

At a large parents’ meeting I once addressed, I asked if people would call out the ‘you’ messages they remembered hearing as children. I wrote them on a blackboard and this is what we came up with:


The examples came in little rushes at first, as people’s memories were triggered, but by the end the blackboard was covered and the room was almost in a state of riot. The sense of relief and release was very evident in the large hall as people spoke aloud the words that had hurt them so long ago.

Very few people felt their parents had been deliberately destructive or malicious – it was simply that this was the way children were corrected. ‘Tell them they’re bad and that makes them good!’ Those were the Dark Ages of child-rearing: we’re just beginning to escape.

Your mind remembers everything that ever happened to you

In the 1950s people with epilepsy had a bad time because the medications we now use had not been developed. A man called Penfield found that an operation could be used to help the more severe cases. By making small cuts on the surface of a person’s brain, he could sometimes reduce or even halt the ‘electrical storms’ which cause epileptic seizures.

The interesting part – I hope you’re sitting down as you read this – is that the patients were required, for safety reasons, to be conscious, and the operation was done under only a local anaesthetic. The surgeon removed a small piece of skull, made the cuts and then put back the piece and sewed up the skin. It makes me shudder, too, but it was better than the disease!

During the operation the patients experienced something very surprising. As the doctor, using a fine probe, made tiny contacts with the surface of the brain, the patient would suddenly have vivid recollections – watching Gone with the Wind years earlier, complete with the smell of cheap perfume in the cinema and the beehive hairstyle of the person in front! When the doctor moved the probe to another spot, the person would see before him his fourth birthday party – even though he was wide awake and sitting in the operating chair. It was the same with every patient, though of course the memories were different.

Subsequent research backed up this remarkable discovery: that everything – every sight, sound and spoken word – is stored in our brain. It is often difficult to remember but nevertheless it is there, having its effect. On the wrinkled surface of our brain our life is recorded in its entirety!


Unconscious hearing is a phenomenon that you’ve almost certainly experienced. You’ve been at a party or a meeting, listening to someone near you. The room is buzzing with people talking and perhaps music, too. Suddenly, from a conversation clear across the room, you hear someone say your name, or the name of a friend, or something that concerns you. ‘Aaargh!’ you think, ‘what are they saying about me?’

How does this happen? We have discovered from research that there are two parts to your hearing: firstly, what your ears actually pick up; and secondly, what you pay conscious attention to.

Although you are unaware of it, your brilliant hearing system is filtering every conversation within range in the room and, if a key word or phrase occurs, the switchboard department in your brain ‘puts it through’ to conscious attention. You certainly couldn’t listen to all that was being said at one time but, nonetheless, a primitive filter is scanning it for important messages. We know this from many experiments and also from the fact that under hypnosis people can recall things that they didn’t consciously notice at the time!

The following situation has been reported in many parts of the world.

Late one night a petrol tanker runs out of control, careers down-hill and smashes through the front wall of a house. When rescuers enter the house they are amazed to find a young mother sleeping heavily, undisturbed by the crash. As they stand there, not knowing what to do, a baby begins to cry in the back room. The mother instantly awakes. ‘Wha…what’s going on?’

The filter in her hearing system works on as she sleeps but is checking for only one thing – the baby – and only this sound is ‘put through’ to her mind.

How does all of the above relate to children? Think of all the things that are said about children when they are supposedly not listening. Then remember their acute listening powers (a sweet wrapper at 50 metres!). We may well include the time when they are asleep for there is clear evidence that sounds and speech are taken in even as a person dreams and sleeps.

Also, there is that obvious time when a child has not yet learnt (or decided to let you know) that it can speak. The baby, for months before it speaks much, can follow much of what is intended, if not every word.

I am often amazed by parents, who have been fighting bitterly for years or are desperately unhappy for some reason, telling me, ‘Of course, the kids know nothing about it’. Children, in fact, know almost everything about everything. They may oblige you by keeping it to themselves or only show it indirectly by bedwetting or trying to murder their siblings, but they know. So, if you talk about your children, be sure you are saying what you really want to say. This, too, is a direct channel to their minds.

And why not start to use this channel to boost them by saying what you genuinely like and appreciate to others while they’re in earshot? This is especially useful at ages/stages when direct praise is embarrassing to them.


Hearing and healing

This story is told by one of my teachers, Dr Virginia Satir.

A child had just been operated on for tonsil removal and, back in the ward, was failing to stop bleeding. Dr Satir joined the concerned staff in examining the still-open cuts in the child’s throat.

On an impulse, she asked what was happening in the theatre at the time of the operation.

‘Oh, we’d just finished a throat cancer operation on an old lady.’

‘What were you talking about.’

‘Oh that last operation, and how she didn’t have much chance of living – there was too much damage.’

Dr Satir’s mind worked fast. She saw the child undergoing the simple and routine procedure, under general anaesthetic, while the staff talked about the previous patient: ‘not much chance of living’, ‘pretty bad shape’.

Quickly, she asked that the child be taken back to the theatre. She instructed the staff in what to say:

‘Gee this kid looks good and healthy, not like the old lady we operated on before.’ ‘This kid has a nice healthy throat.’ ‘She’ll be healed in a jiffy and back playing with her friends!’

The bleeding stopped, the anaesthetic wore off and the child went home the next day.

Anchoring

Anchoring is one of the most recent discoveries in hypnosis. Scientists have realised that a message goes most deeply into a person’s mind if it is accompanied by other signals that reinforce it.

This is really quite simple.

If a person says to you, ‘You’re a pest!’, you will probably feel rather put out. If he says it with a frown and a loud voice, this will be worse. If he says it very loudly, moves towards you whilst making menacing movements and appears somewhat out of control, then you have a problem.

If he happens to be three times larger than you and is one of your family – on whom your well-being depends – you will probably remember the incident for the rest of your life.


Modern-day men and women, especially those of us of Anglo-Saxon descent, tend to be constrained in our day-to-day life. We do not act or speak with very much passion or force. It’s not that we are low-key and relaxed – just more controlled and bottled up. We tend to keep our good and bad feelings to ourselves and, when things go badly, we try to carry the burden without giving any outward signs. Consequently, when we finally do blow up or break down, we often surprise both ourselves and those around us. If the feeling being released is anger and frustration, then those around us may feel that we have lost control and are dangerous to them…and we may agree!

Because of this, our children may live in a situation where day-to-day messages are fairly vague and indirect: ‘Now don’t do that, darling, come along’, ‘There’s a good boy’. Both positive and negative messages are casual and not great in their impact.

Then, one day, when life has really overloaded Mum or Dad, there comes a powerful outburst, ‘You little brat, I wish you’d shut up’, anchored with wild eyes, sudden, close proximity, never-before-heard volume and a sense of quivering lack of control that is quite unforgettable. The message is inescapable, although untrue: this is what Mum or Dad really thinks of me!

The words that overwrought parents choose at these times can be remarkably strong.

‘I wish you’d never been born.’

‘You’re a stupid, stupid child.’

‘You’re killing me, do you hear?’

‘I’d like to throttle you!’

It’s not bad to get angry at or around children. On the contrary, children need to learn that one can be angry and discharge tension and be heard, in safety. Elizabeth Kubler Ross says that real anger lasts 20 seconds and is mostly noise. The problem comes when the positive messages (‘You are great’, ‘We love you’, ‘We’ll look after you’) are not equally strong or reliable. Often, although we feel these, we do not communicate them.

Almost every child is dearly loved, but many children do not know this fact; many adults will go to their death still believing that they were a nuisance and a disappointment to their parents. It is one of the most moving moments in family therapy to be able to clear away this mis-understanding.

At the times when a child’s life goes shaky – when a new baby is brought home, when a marriage breaks up, when failure occurs at school, when there is no work for a hopeful teenager – it is important to give positive messages, anchored with a hand on a shoulder and a clear look in the eye: whatever happens, you are special and important to us. We know you’re great.

So far we’ve talked about the unconscious programming of children to be unhappy adults. There are lots of direct ways too!

### WHAT NOT TO DO

When disciplining, use put-downs instead of simple demands.


Use put-downs in a friendly way; say, as a pet-name.


Compare!


Set an example!


Talk to other people about children’s faults in their hearing.


Take pride in patterns that are bound to cause trouble later.


Use guilt to control children.


These sorts of statements can be left out of your parenting repertoire for good. You and they will feel better for it.

I’LL GIVE YOU CRAZY!

Have you ever listened to yourself talking to your kids, and just moaned? A lot of the things we say to kids are, well, crazy! Scots comedian Billy Connolly bemoaned some of these in a recent concert we heard…(you’ll have to imagine the accent).

‘Mum, can I go to the pictures?’ ‘Pictures! I’ll give you pictures.’

‘Can I have some bread then?’ ‘Bread! I’ll bread you my boy!’

Most of us can remember being told things as a child which simply made no sense at all, phrases like: pull your socks up young man…if you don’t come to your senses soon…you’ll smile on the other side of your face!…I’ll teach you to make a fool of me!…and so on. It’s no wonder some people grow up to be a little confused.

I was in a primary school recently where some parents had brought their toddlers to join a new play group. While we were waiting to start, a lively and curious little boy started to pull out some maths equipment from a shelf. His harassed-looking mum told him ‘If you touch that the teacher will cut your fingers off!’ Now any of us can understand the motivation to say this kind of thing – when nothing else works, try terror! But with this kind of message coming thick and fast, what can a child conclude about life? It can only go two ways: either the world is a crazy and dangerous place, or else, it’s no good listening to Mum, she talks a load of rubbish. Now there’s the start of a well adjusted life. We’ve all done it!

One day (true confession) I told my two-year-old son that the police might be cross with him if he didn’t wear his seatbelt. I was hot and tired, and I hate squirming my six-foot-four frame around inside cars to fasten seatbelt buckles on protesting kids. I resorted to a cheap trick, and I paid the price. As soon as the words came out of my mouth I regretted it. For days after I had questions thick and fast. ‘Do the policemen have guns?’, ‘Are there any policemen down this road?’ It was a major job of rehabilitation to get him back to feeling calm, and comfortable about the men and women in blue.

We shouldn’t have to explain everything to our kids, or endlessly reason with them till we are blue in the face. ‘Because I say so’ is a good enough reason some of the time. But there is nothing ever to be gained by needlessly scaring them. ‘When your father gets home…’ ‘You’ll make me so sick I’ll have to go away…’ ‘We’ll put you into a home…’ are the kinds of messages that harm and haunt even tough children. We are their main source of information early on, and later our credibility is put to the test (since they have or will have other sources to compare us with). Our job is to give them a realistic, even slightly rosy picture of the world – which they can build on as they go, and so become hardy and secure on the inside. When they encounter trickiness or dishonesty later in life, they will at least know that this isn’t completely the way of the world, that some people are trustworthy, and safe to be around – Mum and Dad included.


Why do parents put children down?

At this point, you could be feeling guilty about the way that you speak to your own children. Please don’t get these ideas out of perspective. There is a lot that can be done to overcome old programming whether your children are still little or even if they are now adults.

The first step is to begin understanding yourself, to know why put-downs became part of your parenting in the first place. Almost every parent is guilty of unnecessary put-downs from time to time. There are three main reasons for this.

1. You say what was said to you!

You weren’t taught about parenting in school: you had to start from scratch when your children were born and work it out for yourself. But you did have one clear example to work from – your own parents.

I’m sure you’ve found yourself in a heated moment yelling out and then thinking, ‘Good grief, that’s what my parents used to say to me and I hated it!’ Those old tape recordings are your ‘automatic pilot’, however, and it takes presence of mind and practice to react in ways you really prefer.

Some parents, of course, go to the other extreme. With painful memories of the way in which they were raised, they swear never to scold, hit or deprive their own children. The danger here is that they may overdo it, and their children suffer from a lack of control. It isn’t easy, is it?

2. You just thought it was the right thing to do!

It was once thought that kids were basically bad, and the thing to do was to tell them how bad they were. This would shame them into being better!

Perhaps you were brought up in this way. As a parent you simply hadn’t thought about self-esteem or the need to help children gain confidence. If so, I hope that what you are reading has changed your mind. Now that you realise how put-downs damage children, I’m sure you’ll be keen to stop using them.

When money is short, or you are overworked, lonely or bored, or because being at home isn’t enough for you, then you are much more likely to be destructive in what you say to kids.

3. You are down on your own reserves

The reasons for this are clear. When we are pressured in any way we build up a body tension which needs discharging. It actually does feel good to lash out at someone, in words or actions.

Children suffer because they are easier to get angry with than your spouse, boss, landlord, or whomever. It’s important to think it through: I feel so tense! Who am I really angry with?

The relief of lashing out is short-lived since the child is likely to behave even more badly as a result but at the time it feels like a release.

If this happens, it is vitally important that you find a safe way to let off steam.

Tension can be dissipated in two ways:

1) by vigorous action, such as hitting a mattress, doing some vigorous work, going for a brisk walk. This is no small matter – many a child’s life has been saved by being shut in its bedroom while a distraught parent walks for miles as a means of calming down;

2) by dissolving the tension through talking with a friend, finding affection from a partner (if you’re fortunate enough to have one) or through some activity such as yoga, sport or massage that releases tension out of your body.

Eventually, as a parent, you must learn to care for yourself as much as for your children. You actually do more for your kids by spending some time each day on your own (your health, your relaxation) than by being totally devoted to serving them.

So, that’s the end of the bad news. The rest of this book is about how to do it the easier way! It is possible to change, and many parents have told me that just hearing about these ideas at a meeting or on the radio has helped them immediately.

Already while you’ve been reading, your ideas have been changing. You’ll find that, without even trying, your behaviour with your children will start to be easier and more positive. I promise!


THE WAY YOU SAY IT – POSITIVE WORDING MAKES COMPETENT KIDS

It’s not only praise or put-downs that determine a child’s level of confidence. There are some other important ways we program our kids – particularly by the way we give instructions and commands – in a negative or positive choice of words.

As adults, we guide our own behaviour and feelings by ‘self-talk’, the chatter that goes on inside our heads. (‘Better not forget to get petrol’, ‘Oh geez I forgot my purse, I must be getting senile’ etc.) Psychologists are amazed at the differences between how healthy, happy people, and unwell or distressed people, talk to themselves mentally. Self-talk is learned directly from your parents or teachers. With your own kids then, it’s a great chance to put in all sorts of positive and useful data, which your child can internalise – a comfortable and encouraging part of themselves for life.

Children learn how to guide and organise themselves internally, from the way we guide and organise them with our words, so it pays to be positive. For example, we can say to a child, ‘For goodness sake don’t get into any fights at school today!’ or we can say ‘I want you to have a good time at school and only play with the kids you like’.

Why should such a small thing make a difference? It’s all in the way the human mind works. If someone offered you a million dollars not to think of a blue monkey for two minutes – you wouldn’t be able to do it (try it now if you don’t believe us!). If a child is told ‘Don’t fall out of the tree’, then they have to think two things: ‘Don’t’ and ‘fall out of the tree’. Because we used those words, they automatically create this picture. What we think, we automatically rehearse. (Imagine biting hard into a lemon, and notice how you react just to the fantasy!) A child who is vividly imagining falling out of a tree is much more likely to do so. Far better to use positive wording: ‘Hold on to the tree carefully’, ‘Keep your mind on what you’re doing’.

There are dozens of chances each day to get this right. Rather than say ‘Don’t run out into the traffic’, it’s easier and better to say ‘Stay on the footpath close to me’ – so that the child imagines what to do, and not what not to do.

Give kids clear instructions as to the right way to do things. Kids don’t always know how to be safe, so make your commands specific: ‘Tracey, hold on firmly to the side of the boat with both your hands’ is much more powerful than ‘Don’t you dare fall out’ or worse still ‘How do you think I’ll feel if you drown?’ The changes are small but the difference is obvious.

Of course, learning to talk like this doesn’t occur by waving a magic wand. You will still need to back yourself up with action. By using positive wording, you will be helping your kids to think and act positively, and to feel capable in a wide tange of situations, because they know what to do, and aren’t scaring themselves about what not to do.

SPECIAL DISCOVERY – NEW VITAMINS CHILDREN NEED

We all know about the vitamins A to K, which we need in our daily diet to thrive and grow. It is rumoured that scientists have recently discovered some more vitamins which are just as essential. Here they are:

VITAMIN M – for music. Naturally occurring in young parents, can be added to family’s diet immediately. Put on great music and dance with the kids in your living room – often. Pick them up if they are too small, and dance around with them. Sing in the car, collect favourite tapes. Have some simple instruments around. If you take your kids to music lessons, make sure they are satisfying, or at least good fun, for your child.

VITAMIN P – for poetry. Teach little chants and rhymes to toddlers. Older kids can recite and perform favourite short poems at family gatherings. Listen to stories and poetry on tape to enjoy the spoken voice.

VITAMIN N – for nature. Make chances for your children to experience total non-human environments. For little kids, a back yard will do – lots of wild insects and crawlies, bird-attracting shrubs and trees. But whenever you can, get into the bush, and go to the beach. Watch sunsets. Camp out. Closely related to Vitamin S for spirituality, sometimes available at churches, temples, mosques and similar.

VITAMIN F – for fun. Available anywhere. Rubs off from children onto adults, and back again. Most common vitamin in the universe. Not naturally present in the workplace, but can be smuggled in.

VITAMIN H – for hope. Hope is naturally occurring. You just have to make sure it isn’t removed by exposure to toxins. Avoid watching the news or viewing the world through newspapers. Don’t indulge in gloom-mongering around kids – especially teenagers. Join something that makes a difference – Greenpeace, Friends of the Earth, WWW – whose publications are incredibly positive. Research has shown that kids with even slightly activist parents are more mentally healthy, have a more positive view of the world and the future, and do more about it.


## 2 What children really want. It’s cheaper than video games, and healthier than ice-cream!


The question that is uppermost in the minds of millions of parents can be summed up in one word..


Why do kids play up? Why do they always explore where they shouldn’t, do things that are not allowed, fight, tease, disobey, provoke, argue, make a mess, and generally seem to want to persecute Mum and Dad?

Why do some kids actually seem to enjoy getting into trouble?

This chapter tells you what is going on inside ‘naughty’ children, and how ‘bad’ behaviour is actually the result of good (healthy) forces going astray.

After reading this chapter, you’ll be able not only to see sense in children’s misbehaviour but you’ll also be able to act to prevent and convert it, making yourself and your children much happier.

You don’t believe me, do you? Read on!

Children play up for one reason only: they have unmet needs. ‘But what needs,’ you are thinking, ‘do my children have that are unmet? I feed them, clothe them, buy them toys, keep them warm and clean…’

Well, there are some extra needs (luckily very cheap to provide) which go beyond the ‘basics’ mentioned. These mysterious needs are essential, not only to make happy children but to maintain life itself. Perhaps I can explain best by telling a story.

In 1945, the Second World War ended and Europe lay in ruins. Among the many human problems to be tackled was that of caring for the thousands of orphans whose parents had either been killed or permanently separated from them by the war.

The Swiss, who had managed to stay out of the war itself, sent their health workers out to begin tackling some of these problems; one man, a doctor, was given the job of researching how to best care for the orphan babies.

He travelled about Europe and visited many kinds of orphan-care situations, to see what was the most successful type of care. He saw many extremes. In some places, American field hospitals had been set up and the babies were snug in stainless steel cots, in hygienic wards, getting their four-hourly feeds of special milk formula from crisply uniformed nurses.

At the other end of the scale, in remote mountain villages, a truck had simply pulled up, the driver had asked, ‘Can you look after these babies?’ and left half-a-dozen crying infants in the care of the villagers. Here, surrounded by kids, dogs, goats, in the arms of the village women, the babies took their chances on goat’s milk and the communal stewpot.

The Swiss doctor had a simple way of comparing the different forms of care. No need even to weigh the babies, far less measure co-ordination or look for smiling and eye contact. In those days of influenza and dysentery, he used the simplest of all statistics – the death rate.

And what he discovered was rather a surprise…as epidemics raged through Europe and many people were dying, the children in the rough villages were thriving better than their scientifically-cared-for counterparts in the hospitals!

The doctor had discovered something that old wives had known for a long time but no one had really listened. He had discovered that babies need love to live.

The infants in the field hospital had everything but affection and stimulation. The babies in the villages had more hugs, bounces and things to see than they knew what to do with and, given reasonable basic care, were thriving.

Of course, the doctor didn’t use the word ‘love’ (words like that upset scientists) but he spelt it out clearly enough. What was important, he said, was:

• skin-to-skin contact frequently, and from two or three special people;

• movement of a gentle but robust kind, such as carrying around, bouncing on a knee, and so on


• eye contact, smiling, and a colourful, lively environment; sounds such as singing, talking, goo-gooing, and so on.

It was an important discovery, and the first time that it had been stated in writing. Babies need human contact and affection (and not just to be fed, warmed and cleaned). If they are not given this, they may easily die.

So much for babies. But what about older children?

Here is an interesting thing – on page 32 is a graph of my estimate of the amount of touching (that’s right, physical touching) that people receive as their lives unfold.

Remember, this is the average situation. Who knows what is the ideal – perhaps a line straight across. You may be wondering about the dip at about two to three years of age. That’s when child number two (or three or four) usually comes along and affection has to be shared – a rough time for everyone!

Little babies like to be touched and cuddled. So do small children, although they are choosier about who does the cuddling. Teenagers often get awkward about it, but will admit in trust that they like affection as much as anyone. And, of course, by late teens they are pursuing specialised forms of affection with great energy!

I once asked an audience of about 60 adults to close their eyes and raise their hands if they got less affection than they would like to get in daily life. It was unanimous – every hand went up. After a minute the peeping began and the room began to ring with laughter. From this careful scientific study, I conclude that adults need affection, too.


Apart from physical touch, we find other ways to get good feelings from people. The most obvious one is by using words.

We need to be recognised, noticed and, preferably, given sincere praise. We want to be included in conversations, have our ideas listened to and even admired.

A three-year-old says it out straight: ‘Hey, look at me.’

Many rich people take little pleasure in their bank balance unless it can be displayed and someone is there to notice.

I am sometimes reduced to stitches by the realisation that most of the adult world is made up of three-year-olds running about shouting, ‘Look at me, Daddy’, ‘Watch me, you guys’. Not me, of course – I give lectures and write books out of mature adult concern.

So, an interesting picture emerges. We take care of our children’s bodily needs but, if this is all we do, they still miss out. They have psychological needs, too, and these are simple but essential. A child needs stimulation, of a human kind. He must have a diet of talking each day, with some affection and praise added in, in order to be happy. If this is given fully, and not begrudgingly from behind a pile of ironing or a newspaper, then it will not even take very long!

Many people reading this will already have older children, or teenagers. You may be thinking, ‘But already they have learned some bad ways of getting attention. How can I deal with that?’

Here is another story.

‘Of mice and men’

A few years ago, psychologists went about in white coats and worked mostly with rats. (Nowadays they wear sports coats and work mostly with housewives – things are looking up!) The ‘rat psychologists’ were able to learn a lot about behaviour because they could do things with rats that they couldn’t do with children. Read on, and you’ll see what I mean.

In this particular experiment, rats were placed in a special cage, with food and drink, and a little lever. They ate, drank and ran about, and eventually asked themselves the same question you are asking: ‘What’s the lever for?’ They pressed it (being like children, they wanted to try everything) and, to their surprise, a little window opened in the cage to reveal a film being shown on the wall outside. The window soon closed and the rat had to press the lever again to get more of the movie.


TALKING IS BRAIN-FOOD FOR KIDS…

By the time they reach school age, some kids can talk very well and have a wide vocabulary. Some on the other hand are very limited in their verbal skills. This can be a real disadvantage – for one thing, teachers often use talking skills as an indicator of intelligence and ability, and so your kids can be either deliberately, or unconsciously, labelled as ‘slow’. How can you help your kids to be good with words – not little Einsteins, but able to speak up for themselves? Here’s how…

It was found as early as the 1950s that parents fall into two distinct groups in their approaches to talking to children. Some parents are very abrupt and short in what they say to their kids:

‘Dwayne, shut that bleedin’ door!’, ‘Get here’, ‘Eat it!’ and so on. Others were the opposite: ‘Charles sweetheart, would you mind closing the door – it’s blowing quite a draught on little Sebastian, there’s a good boy!’

You don’t have to be a professor to see that young Charles is going to have more words in his little head than Dwayne, and more ways of stringing them together. (Though on the other hand Dwayne may also know some that Charles doesn’t!)

A lot of parents now are more aware of talking to their children, explaining things and just chatting to them for the pleasure of it. They have realised the first rule of children and language – they always understand more than they show.

Here are the basic steps…

1) During pregnancy make lots of sounds to and around your baby. You can start by singing or crooning when you feel like it, having music playing (quite loudly is fine). If you’re a Dad, snuggle up and talk to your wife or even directly to the baby! This way your child will come to know and feel safe with your manly voice and be easier for you to comfort when they are little. Repetition and familiarity helps – the sound of TV’s Days of Our Lives theme music has been found to soothe new-borns who ‘listened’ to it with Mum during pregnancy!

2) With infants continue all this talk, singing, and music exposure once the baby is born. Moving or swinging them about will add to their delight and sense of rhythm, which is a necessary part of speech. (Special movies have been used to show that we all do a subtle swaying dance as we speak – that it is almost impossible to be still while speaking.) If you can carry the baby about with you in a sling or harness as you work, all the better.

As you go through the day with toddlers, tell them about what you are doing, using simple words, but not all baby talk. Use repetition of those words they say to you, so as to polish up what they are saying.

3) As toddlers start to talk more you can help by echoing and adding to what they say to you, so they are both encouraged by the response, and helped to get the words right.

‘Buppa!’. ‘You want the butter?’, ‘Want buppa!’ and a little later

‘Pass butta ayy?’, ‘You want me to pass the butter?’, ‘Pass me butter?’ and so on!

The best way to do all this is casually – as a game – with no undue pressure or expectations.

A recent TV series featured interviews with ‘superbright’ or ‘hothouse’ kids. It gave us some mixed feelings – these kids were certainly high achievers, but some by adulthood had turned into real oddballs! One family though stood out – for the naturalness and balance of their kids. All four daughters ranging from eight to sixteen in age were friendly, relaxed, very down-to-earth, and yet extraordinarily advanced in their skills. The sixteen-year-old for instance had simply skipped primary school (at her teacher’s suggestion – the parents had been quite happy for her to go) – She was now doing doctoral research into spinal cell damage. Asked how they had raised such genius kids, the father said ‘It couldn’t be genetic – I haven’t had the sperm bank knocking on my door!’ (And he did look, well, rather ordinary!) The mother added that ‘We just explain things to them…’ She explained that as she vacuumed the house, for example, she would tell the baby she was carrying on her back about what she was doing, that the noise was made by the motor inside the vacuum cleaner, which was electrical and turned very fast, that the air it blew through made a lot of noise, and so on…