Contents

Cover

Title Page

Introduction

What should a four-year-old know?

The power of play

Why 7 Ways to Play?

How to use this book

A quick guide to baby and preschool play

Ready steady play

Chores: not Bores

10-Second Set-ups

Invitations to Play

Invitations to Create

Make and Take

Stay and Play

Sanity Savers

And finally . . .

A play planner for your family favourites

Useful websites and further reading

List of Searchable Terms

Copyright

About the Publisher

Introduction

What should a four-year-old know?

‘I was on a parenting bulletin board recently and read a post by a mother who was worried that her four-and-a-half-year-old did not know enough. “What should a four-year-old know?” she asked. Most of the answers left me not only saddened but pretty soundly annoyed. One mom posted a laundry list of all of the things her son knew. Counting to 100, planets, how to write his first and last name, and on and on. Others chimed in with how much more their children already knew, some who were only three. A few posted URLs to lists of what each age should know. The fewest yet said that each child develops at his own pace and not to worry.’

Written by a preschool teacher in the US

As both a parent and also an Early Years educator myself, I think I would have felt pretty annoyed by those mums’ postings. Maybe you have a toddler or a preschooler, perhaps your child or children are older now, or maybe you’re about to be spending some time with a young child, but whatever your situation, think of that child at four years old. What do you think they should know?

Here in the UK, the question ‘What should a four-year-old know?’ is being answered on a slightly larger scale than on a parenting bulletin board, as the current Government and its advisors are suggesting reforms to our education system that will focus on getting four-year-olds ‘school ready’. That means a bigger emphasis on them knowing basic reading, writing and arithmetic before they even start in Reception. There’s even talk of a new baseline test for five-year-olds in England – adding a competitive twist to the whole thing; just as the mums were doing on that preschool bulletin board. So, reading, writing and arithmetic – that’s what the Department for Education think our four-year-olds should know.

Many Early Years experts, teachers, nursery staff and parents – myself included – are fighting back with a counter opinion. What we think four-year-olds really need to know is that they each have a brilliant talent; one that will absolutely get them ‘school-ready’, but not by achieving certain levels in the 3Rs. Instead, this talent will help them gain the skills they really need to start school. These include social and emotional skills to get along with others, curiosity about the world, practical skills, the ability to listen and understand instructions from grown ups, independence with personal care and the ability to spend time happily engaged with objects or in an activity without their parents.

And the talent? Well, it was my daughter, aged six, who put it very clearly. ‘Mummy,’ she told me, ‘you know, all children have a talent.’ When I asked her what that talent was, she replied – very matter of fact – ‘All children can play. That’s their talent.’

And I believe that’s what a four-year-old should know; that they can play.

In her response to those parents on that bulletin board, the US preschool teacher also recognised the talent of a four-year-old. She knew it had little to do with reading, writing and arithmetic levels and all to do with their brilliant skills at play. Here are a couple of things she felt a four-year-old should know:

‘He should know his own interests and be encouraged to follow them. If he could care less about learning his numbers, his parents should realize he’ll learn them accidentally soon enough and let him immerse himself instead in rocket ships, drawing dinosaurs or playing in the mud.

‘She should know that the world is magical and that so is she. She should know that she’s wonderful, brilliant, creative, compassionate and marvellous. She should know that it’s just as worthy to spend the day outside making daisy chains, mud pies and fairy houses as it is to practise phonics. Scratch that – way more worthy.’

This happy talent of children – play – can actually be seen from birth. When they’re not sleeping or feeling sleepy, feeding or feeling too hungry, or feeling colicky or uncomfortable because they need a nappy change, babies are instinctively and naturally playing. Play is the language of infancy, toddlerhood and the preschool years. So, if you want to properly understand your under-five and help them to know what any child of their age should really know, you’d better learn the language of play. And this book is where to do just that.

The power of play

As a teacher and creative play specialist with over twenty years’ experience working with children and their families in a variety of educational settings, I am evangelical about the power of play to promote learning. I have seen little ones simply thrive physically and mentally when their days, weeks and months are, above all else, playful.

Over the years I’ve worked with thousands of children in a huge variety of locations – from classrooms, gardens, woodland, parkland and playgrounds to museums, art studios, venue foyers, libraries, kitchens and even school dining halls. Whether I’m producing materials and ideas for families to use together in a gallery or at home, or I’m leading a session for a group in a herb garden, my raison d’etre is to provide young children with an enabling environment – somewhere Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS) guidelines describe as a place where they feel safe, comfortable and ‘at home’; where they can investigate, explore and learn in a way that is best for them. And that is always through play.

As an Early Years practitioner, these EYFS areas of learning and development guidelines inform all the sessions I plan, all the materials I produce – and because over many years I have experienced how young children learn best, I always deliver Learning and Development objectives with playful teaching methods and through playful activities.

For example, if I’m thinking about how to include the teaching of Communication and Language in my sessions, I’ll plan for plenty of playful opportunities for families to talk and sing together, where a little one can talk with their grown up, learn new words, experience non-verbal communication and listen to rhymes, songs and stories. When considering Physical Development I try to include opportunities for the children to playfully practise their fine motor skills and gross motor skills doing practical activities. I teach Personal, Social and Emotional skills during my sessions too, and offer plenty of opportunities to develop skills like sharing, taking turns, listening to others and recognising others’ feelings while playing. I also make sure I develop slightly more formal EYFS Specific Areas of Learning – things like Numeracy, Literacy, Expressive Arts and Design and Understanding the World – which can all be promoted through play.

Throughout my professional work, wherever I’m teaching, play is central to my planning and practice. This way, I know that the children in my care are happily and naturally learning, gaining all those essential skills that will make them really ready for school when the time comes.

By now, you might be thinking – hang on a minute, all this play sounds well and good for a teacher doing their job, but how exactly does this fit in with parenting? Family life is just too busy for all that play-planning and all those ‘Areas of Learning and Development’. I know, I know. This was my thinking too. When I became a parent of two young children – only seventeen months apart – and then went back to work, albeit part-time, I also wondered how on earth I could integrate all this great and important play, in which I strongly believed and promoted professionally, into our everyday family life. I remember thinking that, sometimes, it would just be easiest to hand over my phone to my toddler when on a journey to the supermarket, for example. And what about the TV? How handy was that for keeping them still and quiet while I dashed off those vital emails, or loaded the washing machine?

It was then that I decided to change the conversation just as Don Draper from Mad Men would say. Instead of trying to fit all this play into our busy life, I decided to flip it on its head and instead try to see our busy life as a series of opportunities for play. Play was so important to me professionally, I just knew I could make it work personally. In fact, using this approach transformed my experience of parenting two young children into a more joyful, fulfilling and memorable experience than I ever could have imagined.

Using play didn’t mean that I suddenly became the in-house entertainer, and it didn’t mean I played with my children all day long. No, I just wanted to get my children involved and learning, thinking and growing, helping and cooperating as a matter of course throughout our normal busy day – and I realised that I could do this all under a kind of banner of play.

So, for example, loading the washing machine became a playful activity that my toddler just loved. Sometimes, he would help with a fun socks-sorting game and sometimes we’d sing a silly washing machine song as we worked. (There will be much more singing in this book, so be prepared.) And if I needed to make a phone call or try to get his baby sister to sleep, for example, instead of putting on the TV, I might surprise him with a little tote bag containing a few unexpected things – just some small toys he’d forgotten about. As I experimented with more and more ways to weave play into our everyday life I began to realise that some of these ideas actually freed me up a fair bit, because once I’d set them off with something irresistible to play with, my children would often find their flow and they became really rather good at playing independently. Some of the ideas actually saved my sanity – like when I arranged their clothes into silly positions on the floor in the mornings. When they were laid out like that, there was never again an argument about what to wear, and when to get dressed. I was so pleased because those arguments had been proper two-year-old ones, with rage and tears and stamping – you know the kind . . . Now they just laughed, said ‘silly Mummy’, and got dressed.

Parenting with play really paid off for me. I realised how much easier it was to motivate my children, and get good behaviour from them, when I applied playful positivity to the situation, rather than by trying to be all authoritative and go down the battle-of-wills route. My feisty and smart two-year-old got that I was being playful, of course, but because she, like all children, had this innate desire to play, she was more than happy to comply – to help tidy up, or clean her teeth or whatever – because it was all done in a fun and gentle, playful and mutually respectful way.

So this was me, beginning to find my feet as a parent, bringing my teaching experience to bear when I could, experimenting with different ways to make play shape our everyday. Some ways to play were time savers, some were sanity savers. Some were ideal for filling a bit of time, instead of putting on the TV, and some brought out top-notch creativity in my children or developed their independence. I discovered a sense of peace, purpose and fun in parenting despite hearing so many others with children of similar ages bemoaning the ‘terrible twos’, shouting at their kids, ignoring unwanted behaviour with a ‘boys will be boys’ comment or just going on and on about how hard it all was.

Yes, these are the messy years; yes, things get pretty hectic and, yes, sometimes there are tears and tantrums – but by identifying and implementing ways to parent with play I developed an approach to parenting that really worked for me. And it will work for you too.

Why 7 Ways to Play?

When I was asked to write about this approach to parenting I knew I had a fantastic opportunity to reveal the secret to a happier, calmer and more creative experience of parenting under-fives. And, of course, you’ve probably guessed that, put very simply, the secret is play; play in all its glorious forms.

When I started analysing how I integrated play and playfulness into my family’s life I realised that there were, in fact, just seven different ways.

Sometimes I would use play to enable me to complete the household chores.

When I needed a minute to myself I would initiate play in super-quick time with a tempting toy or object.

Whenever we had more spare time, I would invitingly set out a few toys or objects they hadn’t played with for a while.

If we had a free afternoon, I would encourage my children to get creative and play in a messy way.

I always listened out for my children’s call-to-craft moments, and on these occasions I would use playful tactics to help them make things.

I would try to make time every now and again to actually stay and play a game or two with them.

I would use playful strategies to help keep my children’s behaviour on the right track at potential flash-point times of the day or in particularly challenging situations.

The aim of this book is to explain and offer lots and lots of examples of these seven ways of parenting with play to help you adopt this peaceful and positive approach.

In summary, the 7 Ways to Play are as follows:

Chores: not bores Household chores will always need to be done; it’s about inviting your preschooler to ‘help’ you – or play alongside – while you tackle domestic tasks.

10-second set-ups This is perfect for when you need your children to play by themselves for a while; it’s about offering them a super-quick, irresistible stimulus to encourage a period of happy independent play while you get on with something else.

Invitations to play For this way to play you take just a few minutes to set up and demonstrate/model the activity before you step away and witness some wonderful open-ended play.

Invitations to create The idea of this is not what they make; it’s that they make – it’s all about the process – giving them the materials and opportunity to explore different media and to get creative without necessarily finishing a piece of art or craft.

Make and take Through this you can be with your child to make (or bake) something together, perhaps for a special occasion or particular time of year. For this activity, it is okay for the child to be aware that the aim is to create a finished product.

Stay and play This is when you make time to simply play with your child. Often this way to play is special time with stories and books, games or song-based play.

Sanity savers This is when you use quick-thinking tricks and play to keep children behaving as you would like, but with fun and games rather than stern discipline.

How to use this book

The Playful Parent is a guide to managing and enjoying your busy family life with play. It will help you identify, observe and initiate play, and enable you to integrate it into your everyday routine. It will help you feel more confident about encouraging a mix of activities from across the broad spectrum of play to fulfil your family’s particular needs in most situations, from a spare five minutes to the times when something playful can absolutely save the day. It’s a book to dip into again and again for details of practical and fun ideas to help you use play throughout your day, or to simply get some inspiration.

You’ll be fluent in the language of play in no time, and you’ll begin to really enjoy – not endure – those messy, marvellous and magical toddler and preschool years. It doesn’t matter if you feel you have forgotten how to play; babies, toddlers and children instinctively know how to do it. It doesn’t matter either if you think you haven’t a creative bone in your body – children are the most creative people on the planet. And it doesn’t matter if you feel you don’t have the time or the inclination to be the family entertainer – children are naturally great at entertaining themselves. All you have to do is give them opportunities to play along the way, every day – and these can be found in the many tried-and-tested ideas in this book.

Use the 7 Ways to Play to plan your day

Planning play is like planning meals; just as you aim to provide your child with a balanced diet of food, you might aim to offer a balanced diet of play too. So, in the same way that you wouldn’t want their diet to be all bread and cereal, say, their play shouldn’t be all make and take. Some people like to create weekly plans for their meals, others like to take it one day at a time; the same principle can be applied to planning your play. When you’re familiar with all the different ways to play you can begin to pick and mix the ideas to give your child variety; you can plan by selecting the right kind of play at the right time — to suit you, your situation and the needs of your child – and, of course, come up with your own ideas. If you wish, you could then make these into a daily or weekly play planner – just like a meal planner.

The key thing to consider when planning your play is how much time you have. If you really need your little one to be getting on with something by themselves or perhaps to be helping you get on with something, happily and cooperatively, then choose an idea from Chores: not Bores, 10-Second Set-ups or Sanity Savers. If you want to set up an activity that engages them while you merely supervise, choose an Invitation to Play. If you can be around to help them a bit, choose an Invitation to Create; if you have enough time to actually join in, then try a Stay and Play or a Make and Take activity.

Also, when choosing ways to play, think about the mood your little one is in. Are they full of beans? Can you stay and play? If they’re bouncing around when you need to make a phone call, or you’d just like them to play by themselves for a while, choose an active 10-second set-up, like the balloon solution, or an active invitation to play as.

If your child is feeling poorly you could try a gentle stay and play – perhaps reading to them. Then, depending on how they’re feeling, you might set them up with a gentle invitation to create – maybe with some play dough, or with an audio book – or a simple invitation to play – perhaps using small figurines and a little play scene on their duvet.

Whatever your situation – whether you want to mark high days and holidays with some kind of art or craft, have a cosy day at home because you’re feeling unwell, fit play into a hectic morning of shopping and travelling, use it to cool down on a hot day or simply to get them outside for a while – there is a way to play in this book that will suit.

Family Favourites

You might like to make your own collection of playful-time favourites by trying out a few of the ways to play and making a note of any that worked particularly well in the Favourite Play chart at the back of this book. As your repertoire expands, and you add ideas of your own, you can check with this list and revisit those favourite activities when you’re stuck for an idea. By continuing to add more winning ways to play to your list of tried-and-tested, go-to ideas, you will create a bespoke play-planner that’s perfect for your family (see here).

A quick guide to baby and preschool play

How can we recognise play?

Young children have a natural drive to be playful and to find every opportunity to play; they have a talent to be totally and busily absorbed in whatever they’re playing. It can be hard for us grown ups to recognise play sometimes – let alone define it – as we’re often so busy ourselves, or feeding, changing and cleaning up around our little ones that we don’t really see what’s going on. But just take a moment, when you next get a chance, to observe your child at play – I still find it pretty captivating to watch my own children. Look at that tiny infant kicking her legs or watching the light bounce off the reflection in a window – she’s playing. Look at that baby sitting up and crinkling some noisy fabric – he’s playing. Look at that toddler digging a hole with a stick – she’s playing. Look at those preschoolers with pillowcases round their shoulders, picking up leaves and taking them to a tree stump – they’re playing. Look at that little girl tapping her water bottle along the park railings – she’s playing. As I might watch a talented artist sculpting or a chef cooking, I’m often in bewildered awe at the sight of babies, toddlers and preschoolers playing. For me, their ingenuity, creativity, imagination and their ability to be fully immersed in their game is a wonder to behold.

What do they play?

What babies, toddlers and preschoolers actually play can be grouped into categories, which can help us begin to recognise play when we observe it, giving us a little window into their special, wonderful world. Children often exhibit more than one category of play at a time, and there are acknowledged to be around sixteen types, so it can get a little confusing, but to help you identify what your little one might actually be doing when they’re, say, ripping up your newspaper or making those two pebbles talk to one another, here’s a summary of some of the different categories of play in which your little one might be immersed.

Imaginative/fantasy play

In these games a large cardboard box will become a car, a tea towel a superhero cape, or the sofa a volcano with the carpet as the lava, or you might be made cup after cup of ‘tea’, or a toy hammer and screwdriver will be tucked into the top of shorts, a hard hat popped onto a head and your kitchen will be measured-up and ‘mended’. This category of play begins as imitation of what the grown ups do in a kind of role-play, but later it can take on a more filmic, adventurous quality. It’s immersive and full of improvisation, and children are experts at this kind of play from as early as two years old.

Small world play

This is similar to the imaginative/fantasy play described above, but in small world play the child is the ‘puppet master’ – controlling the world and the action. Using play figures or toy cars, or even sticks and stones as characters, a child will act out their story or sequence of activities. Sets and scenes for the characters are useful (like dolls’ houses, garages, farm sets, etc, and can even be made by older children) but they are not essential – a child’s imagination is often enough.

Object play

This type of activity refers to the playful use of objects. These can be dolls, blocks, toy cars and puzzles as well as non-toys such as plastic bowls and empty cardboard tubes, wooden spoons and a silky scarf, or loose parts such as pine cones and giant buttons, as well as natural objects such as shells, leaves and pebbles or a few root vegetables. These objects are played with and explored, manipulated and lined up. Sometimes children over three years old will use objects imaginatively, as substitutes for something else – so a rectangular block might become a telephone, while a cardboard tube becomes a tunnel for a small car.

Books and stories

This is a well-loved form of play for babies, toddlers and young children who adore being told stories from books or in a grown up’s own words, and this magical, special category of play is very important in developing listening, language and pre-literacy skills. Young children in particular find picture books irresistible, and they can very quickly learn the techniques of page turning and ‘reading’ the story (often out loud) to themselves.

Creative play

This is when children respond creatively, using a wide range of media, to different stimuli in order to make something: mark-making, music-making, art-making, sculpting, construction and model-making. Activities involve painting, sticking, cutting, tearing, rolling, printing, scraping, colouring, spraying, flicking, squeezing and moulding. Dancing and dramatic play are also examples of creative play.

Sensory play

This is a very important category of play for babies and toddlers as they do most of their learning about the world around them via their sense of touch and taste (that’s why they go through that phase of ‘mouthing’ everything). Sensory play is about using all of the senses, so listening to music, and tapping and hitting things to create sound is included in this category. Sensory play is also playing with play dough, water, paper, plastic balls, leaves, mud, corrugated cardboard, wooden shapes, fabrics and shaving foam. It’s looking into mirrors, through coloured cellophane, at pictures, faces, the sky and watching the washing machine spin. Many examples of sensory play are multi-sensory.

Outdoor play

Considered by many to benefit the health and development of little ones more than any other form of play, outdoor play is not all about rough and tumble, running wild and getting up close to nature, although developing gross motor skills and experiencing flora and fauna first-hand is an important part of it. Most categories of play can be transferred to an outside arena and are more fulfilling and memorable for it.

How do they play?

How little ones play, and with whom, will change as their social and emotional skills develop. Babies and toddlers will mainly play alone, but sometimes they will do so in parallel with other children – they will play near to one another in a similar way but do not engage in play together. When they’re a little older children enjoy social play – making up all kinds of collaborative games with other children. Babies, toddlers and preschoolers will enjoy playing with us grown ups too, of course; from the earliest games of Peekaboo, to sharing a ‘cup of tea’, to having a kick-about in the garden as they really find their feet and get moving. Young children love it if they can get an adult to join in the fun.

Why should we let the children play?

The crucial beginnings of the brain’s building process occur between 0 and 3 years of age when there is a rapid production of connections between brain cells (synapses). By the time a child is three years old around 80 per cent of this development has already taken place; 90 per cent by the time they are five. Since play offers huge amounts of brain stimulation, it makes sense that it has a massive impact on the emerging cognitive, motor and social skills of young children. It’s through a kind of prism of play that children, using their natural creativity and amazing imaginations, make important cerebral connections and basically learn everything; developing personal, social and emotional skills, communication, language and emerging literacy, problem-solving, reasoning and emerging numeracy, knowledge and understanding of the world and all their physical skills – a whole spectrum of thinking and knowing and learning. And to think they’re just playing!

Ready steady play

Before we begin . . .

It’s at about the time when a baby reaches toddlerhood that our homes might begin to fill up with numerous flashing, noisy, plastic, branded gadgets and toys. This is far from necessary, and actually can be a bit of a barrier to accessing the 7 Ways to Play. Rather than buying toys that do more and more of the thinking for them, now’s the time to seek out those toys that really stimulate your children’s brilliant imaginations and which will promote open-ended play. If this means having a toy audit and giving away, or at least putting into storage, a lot of their stuff – now’s the time to do it. Honestly, those flashy plastic things won’t be missed a jot. The 7 Ways to Play method will result in you actually needing fewer, not more, toys for your toddler and preschooler, which they will play with more and for longer periods of time.

Preparing for play

The 7 Ways to Play method supports the idea that toys are just one of the many things children need when playing. You will find that they will use more art supplies and general household stuff in their play. Non-toys – or real objects – are often fantastic playthings and, as long as they’re clean, are not sharp or pinch hazards, or left out all the time, they can make for really interesting and useful tools and toys in play.

Here are a few things to look out for, and make room for, after all those bleepy, flashy plastic things have been adios-ed. It’s all about experiences rather than specific equipment, though, so do adapt this list; make use of what you have – make it work for you, and your family, in your home.

Toys that promote open-ended play – things that don’t do all the thinking for them; like Lego and other construction toys, imaginative-play toys and books.

Practical-life equipment – such as an extra washing-up bowl, cloth and sponge, a dust-cloth, clothes pegs.

A child-sized soft-bristled broom and dustpan and brush.

A sand-timer.

Some child-friendly kitchen equipment: jug, grater (we invested in a kid-friendly grater, as seen on the CBeebies cooking show I Can Cook), juicer, pestle and mortar, wooden spoons, measuring spoons, bowls and children’s scissors. (Really small children will need supervision with some of these sharper items.)

Some child-sized basic gardening equipment: a small watering can, trowel or spade or fork, and an outside broom.

Lots of clean, interesting, plastic, polystyrene and cardboard packaging that is otherwise destined for the recycling box.

Clean and empty plastic food containers, tote bags and baskets.

An acrylic (safety) mirror tile or two.

A set of beanbags.

Balloons.

Play-silks and other large pieces of fabric, including a blanket or two.

Natural objects – such as shells, driftwood, pebbles and leaves, sticks, dried grasses and seeds.

Some child-friendly tools of investigation – tape-measure, plastic magnifying glasses, torches, plastic tweezers.

Basic art and craft supplies, the smaller and messier of which should be stored out of reach of little ones, and used only under supervision: good-quality poster paints, watercolours, PVA glue, sticky tapes – double sided, masking (painters’), colourful tape – children’s scissors, paintbrushes, paper – on a roll, A4, coloured and watercolour paper – thin card, paper plates, paper bags, stickers, pipe-cleaners, beads, buttons, feathers, sequins, googly eyes, glitter, Blu-tack, crayons, washable felt-tip pens, chalks and craft foam sheets.

A scrap-paper collection: save sweet and chocolate wrappers, used wrapping paper, old greetings cards, ribbons, greaseproof paper, foil and magazines with lots of colourful child-appropriate images for cutting out.

A selection of brushes – of various sizes, soft and hard, for all kinds of play.

Loose parts: cotton reels, pine cones, tubes, big buttons, mini pom-poms, corks, small blocks, pieces of fabric.

A collection of child-friendly musical instruments.

A good-quality set of face-paints.

A ball of string.

Make way for play

The 7 Ways to Play method supports the idea that your child’s play shouldn’t be restricted to just their bedroom, an area in the living room or a playroom. However, this doesn’t mean that there’ll be mountains of toys in every room, nor does it mean you have to convert your home into some kind of soft-play gym. Rather, it’s about making way for play in your home by adapting the spaces you already have to accommodate play; play that’s appropriate to that particular space. This adaptation of your home doesn’t have to be permanent and it needn’t be expensive. As IKEA interior designer Raphael Bartke says, ‘Children aren’t small forever . . . and your home will soon transform again.’ And, of course, you don’t need to reorganise your whole home at once – take it one way to play at a time and adapt as you play.

Ideas to get play started

Here’s how you might make way for play in your home. Try just one or two ideas initially; you’ll be amazed at the changes in how your little one interacts with the spaces in your home.

Buy sink steps or step-stools for each sink in your home.

Source a low bench or kids’ table for your kitchen (or fix a fold-down table at your child’s height if you’re short of space).

Put placemats, plastic plates, bowls, cups and cutlery somewhere low and within easy reach of your little one.

Fix hooks for coats at child height, and place some accessible storage for shoes near your front door.

Sort out your storage: a lot of art and craft supplies, toys and playthings can be stored out of sight and reach of your little one. Buy some cheap storage boxes, and buy twice the amount you think you’ll need. Label them if they’re not transparent – you will want to be able to access their contents quickly and easily. Display those that you do want left out on low shelves and in lots of small baskets and tubs.

Make some, carefully considered, toys and playthings accessible in small storage stations all over your home – the bathroom, the hall, the master bedroom, the kitchen and garden – as well as in the living room and your child’s bedroom.

Find a space for construction play.

Find a space for physical play, like target practice, inside.

Look out for spaces for temporary dens and book-nooks.

Have small baskets or boxes of picture books all over your home – don’t just store them on one bookshelf.

Create a dress-up area with a mirror.

Make a creative/making station.

Find a space for a listening station – with an easy to use CD player, cushions and a few audio books.

Provide at least one designated doodle area.

Make any outside space as safe and as interesting a place to play as inside – think accessible storage stations with kid-friendly tools and toys, a low work-bench, places for temporary dens – not just as a place for running around and other physical activity.

Find space outside for those messy or wet-play activities – and, if possible, somewhere for digging.

You can prepare for play when you’re out and about too. This doesn’t mean you need to take a suitcase full of toys with you wherever you go, rather, it’s about taking along a basic kit to encourage play. What you pack will depend on your outing, of course, but whether it’s a small toy or two, a roll of Sellotape, some paper and crayons, a torch, a take-a-look book, or a little bucket for collecting things, you can initiate some wonderful play by handing over something other than your smartphone when you’re out and about to get your child thinking, learning and playing in the real world and engaging appropriately with their environment.

So, now we’re ready, we’re set. Let’s play!

Chores: not Bores

Chore noun. A small piece of domestic work (freq. in pl.); an odd job; a recurrent, routine or tedious task.

Whether we love or loathe chores, it’s impossible to deny the fact that they are an ever-present aspect of domestic life. Anywhere along the sliding scale between house-proud neat freak and firmly in the chores-are-for-bores camp, our own relationship with, and attitude towards, chores becomes crystallised some time between the age of three and thirty-three. Once established, it’s pretty hard to alter, until, that is, we have children. Most parents would agree that as soon as a baby arrives on the scene, chores not only multiply but they also swell and mutate, unearthing a brand-new set of domestic tasks just when our time to carry out such jobs has been totally eradicated by the newly arrived bundle of joy.

‘Suddenly you have to do the washing up or the laundry, or whatever, as soon as you get a spare minute. There’s no choice. There’s no “I can’t be bothered”. There’s no later. And if you don’t do the basics when you can it can all quickly unravel – from a stinky, overflowing nappy bin and no clean bottles, to no clean mugs for that much-needed tea. It was a learning curve and a half.’

Dad of two, remembering the early days

During the baby years we, as loving, responsible parents, accept and maybe even relish the realisation that we must carry out chores for, and because of, our children; there is usually a tacit acceptance of our fate. But at some point, perhaps as our children turn from tots to preschoolers, or from preschoolers to school-age children, or even from school-age children to teenagers (it hits every parent at a different time), there comes a day, or a moment in a day, when we suddenly feel like the maid. This is neither a positive nor pleasant feeling to experience and it can soon lead to feelings of resentment towards those chores caused directly by children, which, let’s face it, feels like all of them, doesn’t it?

However, it seems that in the UK and the US, parents are more reluctant than their predecessors to ask children to carry out household tasks. Recent studies have shown that children are increasingly not expected to contribute in any real way to the domestic chores of everyday family life, and older children often receive bribes or payment for completing their chores. At what age and exactly how children might become involved in domestic chores is, of course, a parental prerogative, but according to this poll many parents believe that they should involve their children in chores, even if they don’t.

Apart from avoiding that feeling-like-the-maid moment, there are many other good reasons for introducing age-appropriate chores to children at some point in their childhood. For example, by carrying out chores children can:

learn to be confident and responsible

feel an important part of the family

learn to care for themselves

learn to care for others

increase their self-esteem (for a job well done)

develop specific skills like hand–eye coordination and problem-solving

It seems children are perhaps even predisposed to wanting to help with chores; they certainly develop a natural inclination to be kind, even selfless, at a younger age than we might suppose. German psychology researcher Felix Warneken, PhD, showed that at 18 months old toddlers are capable of exhibiting altruistic behaviour. In one experiment, Dr Warneken had an adult, laden with books to put away, pretend to be unable to open the doors to a cupboard. More often than not – without being asked or offered a reward – the toddlers helped.

But here’s the rub: how do you get children to continue to develop those altruistic flashes of behaviour and carry out chores happily as they grow into preschoolers and beyond? How do we avoid the nagging (ours) and the rolling eyes (theirs)?

Certainly our own personal relationship with chores has a bearing on how we present them to our children; if we consider them to be boring and tedious, it’s hard not to transfer this message. I’ll never forget coming in from school – I must have been about twelve years of age – to my little sister, then three years old, playing with her toy iron and board next to my mother who was doing the real thing – the family’s ironing. My sister caught my eye as she wielded her toy iron menacingly and muttered, frowning, ‘Bloody ironing.’ Fortunately, my mum saw the funny side!

However, the same point is relevant to personal chores too. As Steve Biddulph points out in his recent book, Raising Girls, our children definitely take in and will eventually make our attitudes their own – whether we sing while we shower or enjoy putting on our clothes, or whether we frown, stress, grump and hurry our way through life.

Many parents find that older children can be encouraged to complete chores through rewards, praise and recognising the feeling of satisfaction of knowing they’ve completed a task well. My husband, to this day, will be first to offer to put clean covers on the duvets. He puts this enthusiasm down to the fact that when he was about ten years old his mum told him how good and quick he was at it; we are still reaping the rewards of this great, and possibly honest, note of encouragement.

Younger children have different motivational drives though. If we can tap into their intrinsic desire to be kind, busy, productive and playful we really can make chores more than bearable, and actually – wait for it – fun. This is how chores have become my first way to play for toddlers and preschoolers.

Chores aren’t bores; they’re a way to play

By changing the way we present household tasks – not as mundane, boring jobs that need to be done, but as opportunities for playful activity – they can instead be seen as a way to spend quality time with our children. This is especially useful for busy working parents for whom chores and playtime with their children have to exist in the same concentrated period of time.

The key to integrating chores into playtime is to stop thinking that household tasks have to be isolated, parental tasks.

Ways to play and chores for preschoolers

Here are some points to keep in mind when trying to get preschoolers involved in chores:

Make the chore irresistible and fun with a game, a song or a challenge.

Keep it playful.

Change the nature of the chore-play regularly to keep it fresh.

Don’t feel you have to involve your child in every chore.

Don’t expect perfection.

Always supervise.

Use green (and safe) cleaning products around children.

Be encouraging.

Show how pleased you are every time a chore is completed (even if it is not done perfectly).

Always say thank you for helping.

The most common question that parents ask is what exactly is the appropriate age to a) introduce chores, and b) what kinds of chores should children actually be able to complete at specific ages.

If you think of chores as a way to play then you can introduce them from as early an age as you like. As for the actual complexity of the chore, well, of course that will depend on the age of your child, their specific abilities, their dexterity, their maturity and the set up of your home. But by making a job a game, in fact all areas of chore-work can be happily accessed by children as young as two. In some cases they will, of course, simply be playing alongside you while you complete the task, but on occasion they may be able to contribute to the actual outcome in some way. The point is, by making chores fun the domestic tasks get done, your child is happily involved, they don’t learn that chores are tedious and something to avoid at all costs, they practise important life skills and numerous other skills with you through playful activity and you get some quality time together.

Below, I’ve listed the main household chores. I’ve grouped them according to how frequently they might need to be carried out, but, of course, this varies in every home.

Everyday – or most frequent – chores:

Laundry Dusting Vacuuming Sweeping Washing up Dishwasher loading/unloading Setting and clearing the table Making beds Changing sheets Cleaning the bathroom Tidying up Putting rubbish in the bin Picking up after oneself Putting groceries away Cooking

Less-frequent chores:

Cleaning the car Defrosting the freezer Washing windows Garden upkeep Sorting out clothes – outgrown and worn-out

The Mary Poppins Approach

What better way to explain chores as a way to play than to refer to the wonderful cleaning queen and playful governess, Mary Poppins. Her take on how to get the chores done is brilliantly illustrated in the song ‘A Spoonful of Sugar’ in which she tells us, ‘In every job that must be done, there’s an element of fun. You find the fun and – SNAP – the job’s a game. And every task you undertake becomes a piece of cake, a lark and a spree.’

So here are some adult-led spoonfuls of sugar – or rather, playful ideas – to help any household chore become a way to play for you and your little one. Remember to change the nature of the game or challenge every so often to keep it fresh for you and irresistible to your child. Of course, this is not a finite list – I hope these ideas will inspire you to think up your own playful ways to make chores less of a bore.

Laundry

Complete the laundry chores, with your child helping as best they can alongside, in the manner of robots or fairies, magicians or spies.

Make a game of dividing the laundry into piles of different types – colourful, whites and pales – ready for the machine.

Play the colour game – as you sort the laundry, give your child one particular colour to search for and collect.

Set playful challenges for you and your child – how fast can we sort the washing or load the machine? Can we do it faster than last time?

Play ‘What am I?’ – a great describing game as you sort, hang out or fold the clean laundry. ‘I am blue. I have buttons. I have long sleeves. I have cuffs. I belong to Daddy. What am I?’

Try the match the socks game. You could add to the challenge by seeing how quickly your child can complete the task, or by playing a song from a favourite CD or listening to a song on the radio to see how many clean and dry socks they can match before it finishes.

Sing a laundry-themed song to ‘move the job along’ like Mary Poppins does. You could sing ‘A Spoonful of Sugar’, but here are a couple of other suggestions to get you started and add some variety!

On a cold and frosty morning

(To the tune of Here we go round the Mulberry Bush)

This is the way we sort the clothes, sort the clothes, sort the clothes*

This is the way we sort the clothes

On a cold and frosty morning.

See them go round in the washing machine, the washing machine, the washing machine

See them go round in the washing machine

On a cold and frosty morning.

To be washed

Mummy’s found some blue trousers, blue trousers, blue trousers

Mummy’s found some blue trousers – to be washed.

Daisy’s found a white towel, white towel, white towel

Daisy’s found a white towel – to be washed

Set up a mini laundrette in the kitchen while the washing machine does its thing. Most small children will love to handwash dolls’ clothes in a bowl of warm soapy water. Put an old towel down underneath to prevent slips.

Let them have fun folding things – small towels, pillowcases and tea towels are great items with which to practise. Just don’t expect precision corners.

Secure a length of string at each end, to two chairs perhaps, at your child’s shoulder height and let them peg out the socks.

Get to know some laundry-themed stories to recount to each other while doing the laundry. Or your little one could ‘read’ you the story from the book itself.

Laundry-themed picture books

Here are a few of our favourites:

Mrs Mopple’s Washing Line – Anita Hewett

Bare Bear – Miriam Moss and Mary McQuillan

Pants – Giles Andreae and Nick Sharratt

The Queen’s Knickers – Nicholas Allan

The Smartest Giant in Town – Julia Donaldson

Paddington: Trouble at the Laundrette – Michael Bond

Mrs Lather’s Laundry – Allan Ahlberg

Dusting

Children, armed with their own cloth or feather duster, will love following you around, copying you while you dust. Best not to put any cleaning product on their cloth though.

Pop on a motivational tune and see if you can finish the room by the end of the song. Here are a few of our favourites:

‘Heroes’ – David Bowie

‘Take on Me’ – a-ha

‘Jump Around’ – House of Pain

‘Give it Up’ – KC and the Sunshine Band

‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ – Queen

Try singing this song while dusting a room; it’s adapted from the Disney film Peter Pan:

We’re following the leader

We’re following the leader, the leader, the leader

We’re following the leader wherever (s)he may be

We’re gonna dust the table, the table, the table*

We’re gonna dust the table wherever it may be

Vacuuming

When they were very young, my own children were scared of our vacuum cleaner – so much so that one of us used to vacuum while the other took them out for a walk! But some children like the noise and some babies are even soothed by it so much that they fall asleep to it, apparently.

To make the vacuum cleaner more appealing, why not turn it into a hungry, crumb-eating creature by giving it a face. Just add some googly eyes, paper or craft foam brows, ears and nose with some double-sided sticky tape (or Blu-tack for less permanence) just where your little one thinks they should go.

Every time the vacuum cleaner needs to come out, say it’s time for another ‘Adventure with the Crumb-Eating Creature’. The children will love helping with the story (shouting it out above the noise) about where it needs to go to today, what it will eat, and how it has to go to bed when the cleaning is finished.

You can buy a range of toy vacuum cleaners (these are very popular with most preschoolers), but if you don’t want that expense you could simply raid the recycling box for tubes and boxes and, sticking them together with some heavy duty gaffer tape, help your child make their own mini vacuum cleaner. Your children will love copying you with their own scaled-down, lightweight model. I have also seen some children as young as four using a hand-held dust-buster most effectively. If you feel your child is up to this, let them have a go (closely supervising them, of course) and enjoy the fact that they will actually be effectively contributing to getting the carpet clean. (For other details of junk modelling using recycled materials, see here.)

Sweeping the floor

Sweeping is actually quite a complex task that requires a great deal of dexterity and coordination. It’s unlikely that a child under five will be able to achieve what we might call effective sweeping but this doesn’t mean it can’t be a way to play. Usually, soon after the sweeping action is explored, young children drift to playing with the broom in an altogether different way; I am of course talking about using it like a horse, or a balance beam, or if they’ve had any exposure to witches in stories such as Julia Donaldson’s brilliant Room on the Broom – they’ll be flying round the room on it. Or maybe they’ve just seen you being particularly playful with your broom at some point, and are just copying what they’ve seen.

Invest in a miniature (but effective) broom and dustpan set – otherwise you’ll end up tussling over ownership far more than sweeping or playing. Recently I read that just a few years ago, Montessori teachers in the US – who promote sweeping as an important developmental play opportunity for young children – had great difficulty in finding miniature, non-gendered brooms in natural materials – in fact they worked with a manufacturer to enable the making of such ‘specialist’ brooms to be continued. It’s amazing how many good-quality miniature sets are available now, and it means that if your child insists on using the grown-up version, you can still carry out the task effectively while your child is copying you, albeit with equipment on a scale that makes you feel like a giant.

You can have fun mixing up the order of the three parts of the sweeping process by using a song to help you do it right while you and your little one sweep:

Sweep the dirt (sung to the tune of ‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’)

Sweep the dirt into a pile, to a pile (repeat)

Sweep and sweep and sweep and sweep

Sweep the dirt into a pile, into a pile.

Push the pile into the pan, into the pan (repeat)

Push and push and push and push

Push the pile into the pan, into the pan.

Tip the dirt into the bin, into the bin (repeat)

Tip and tip and tip and tip

Tip the dirt into the bin, into the bin.

Remember to give praise and tell your child what a good helper they are – even though you may well have to re-do the sweeping they attempted after they’ve scooted off to do something else. They’ll definitely be back for more, and gradually their sweeping (and broom-flying) skills will improve.

Washing up

Washing up is often seen as one of the more tedious chores for grown ups. Despite this, young children seem to find it a real treat. When I asked via social media which chores are children’s favourites, washing up came out on top. Of course we can’t get our under-fives to scour pans, safely wash cutlery or clean the best china, but they will easily and enthusiastically manage plastic plates, bowls, cups and wooden utensils.

Invest in an extra washing-up bowl, washing-up brush and a sponge or cloth so that they can sometimes wash up as you do. Just set it all up nearby – either on the floor (with an old towel underneath to prevent slips) or on a low table that they can stand at. You won’t be able to rely on their skill at cleaning, but you can rely on their skill at playing. To them, washing up means a sensory play opportunity; they’ll splish-and-splash in the warm, bubbly water for ages – pouring and swirling, scooping and wiping. And if some of the lunch things get clean in the process – that’s a bonus! They’ll still think they’re washing up whether the items are spotless or not. Young children are more likely to stay interested in washing up if you keep it as an occasional activity that’s different to other water-based play. Offering it as a grown-up job, to help you, is all part of its irresistible charm, it seems.

Dishwasher

If your household has a dishwasher, you can still get your little one to help with the dishes; they’ll happily help load it with the dirty stuff or empty it of its sparkly clean contents as long as you make the process fun.

Set yourselves a challenge – can the dishwasher be emptied before a certain song on the radio finishes? Your toddler could help by collecting the non-breakables.

Play a spotting game where all of the dirty or clean cups, then forks, then bowls and so on are identified by the children and put away by the grown up. Do this against the clock and you’ll have a really fun game on your hands.

Setting and clearing the table

Setting the table can be a fun activity for young children. When my daughter turned four, she went through a phase of turning our dining table into a restaurant every time I asked if anyone would like to do the job. She would make a central flower arrangement, menus, place cards – the lot! This became quite time-consuming in the end, so I had to make sure I asked at least twenty minutes before the meal was actually ready, but it did mean that she happily, and creatively, took on the task.

Make a ‘let’s pretend’ cafe:

Make some personalised placemats; trace around the shapes of where the plate, cup and cutlery should go if your children find it hard to remember. Decorate large paper doilies or A4 paper for temporary mats (or if you have access to a laminator, cover them and they will last longer and be wipeable) with drawings, stickers or pictures cut from magazines.

It’s fun and useful for young children to remember where everybody sits and to think about what the family needs to use during the meal. If they’re feeling particularly creative, let them make place cards, or a menu, or whatever they wish, to create the desired ambiance.

Mealtime rituals and routines differ vastly from family to family, but quite commonly the end of the meal is often the time when children seem to magically disappear and the grown ups are left with the devastation that is the post-dinner dining table. You can occasionally involve the little ones in clearing up the mess with some fun and games, however. For example:

Clear the table with your children helping as best they can alongside, in the manner of robots or fairies, magicians or monsters.

Make some attractive and tactile ‘job stones’ to pick out of a cloth bag to allocate tasks. These are easy to make by painting, drawing or sticking pictures from magazines onto smallish pebbles with PVA glue. Each stone’s picture should represent one of the jobs required to clear the table, for example: collect cups, cutlery, plates and bowls, wipe the table and sweep the floor. The aim is to empty the bag of stones – and complete the jobs – before going off to play something else.

Offer an incentive of a game or some other playful activity at the table once it has been cleared. This can be a real motivator for children of all ages; it’s an example of the When/Then technique (see here).

Making beds

Making the beds is a daily chore that usually takes us grown ups mere seconds in the modern world of duvets, however, small children can find bedding incredibly cumbersome and heavy to manoeuvre. You can still include them, though, by allocating them aspects of the job that they can manage.

Start by making it a job you do together – you could shake and straighten the duvet while your little one plumps and places the pillow.

Young children love to arrange bedtime soft toys. This can be made even more fun with a song:

There was one in the bed

There was one in the bed

And the little one said, ‘Roll over, roll over.’

So he rolled over and another popped in,

Cuddled up tight, and gave a grin

‘Please remember to tie a knot in your pyjamas,

Single beds are only made for one, two. . .’

Continue with ‘three . . . four . . . in the bed’ until all the toys are in position.

Changing the sheets

This is not usually a daily chore, but it still fills some parents with dread – especially if their children have reached the bunk-bed or cabin-bed phase; I know how difficult it is to get the sheets into those bed corners. However, try these playful activities and include your children when you can, and you may even look forward to sheet-changing day.

Have a game of ‘pile-up’. See how quickly you can strip the beds – your child does the pillowcases, you do everything else. The person who finishes their job first gets to ‘flomp’ into the big pile of discarded linen.

‘Monkeys on the bed.’ We have a rule in our house that this game is only allowed when there are no sheets on the beds and when the grown up is close at hand, putting the covers on duvets and pillows; it definitely requires supervision. It’s a fun game that gets them burning off lots of energy. Your little monkeys simply jump up and down on the bed singing the following song (other actions optional):

Monkeys on the bed

Three little monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head.

Mummy called the doctor, and the doctor said,

‘No more monkeys jumping on the bed.’

Two little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

Mummy called the doctor and the doctor said,

‘No more monkeys jumping on the bed.’

One little monkey jumping on the bed,

He fell off and bumped his head.

Mummy called the doctor and the doctor said,

‘No more monkeys jumping on the bed.’

‘Wonderful wafting.’ When my two children were very small, they loved nothing better than to lie on the floor while we wafted the clean, fresh-smelling sheets and covers over them again and again – and occasionally we covered them up, pretending they’d disappeared. It made them giggle and wriggle so much. If you try this, but need a way out of the game (it is rather open-ended), you might try starting to waft a pillowcase at a doll or teddy. Your child may well take the bait and join in, then take over, that game instead – leaving you free to complete the job in hand.

Cleaning the bathroom

This job often requires the use of cleaning products, so it’s not ideal for young children to get too involved, even if you are using green products. Instead:

Try cleaning the bathroom during bath-time when your child is playing in the tub. You can get a lot done then, whilst being able to supervise the children; you’ll just need to clean the bath at another time. You do, of course, need to keep a close eye on your little one in the bath, so this activity is only suitable for your nearly-five-year-old or an older child.

Make it dolls’ bath-time by setting up a washing-up bowl or a baby bath of warm bubbly water on the floor in the bathroom (with an old towel underneath to prevent slips) to occupy your little one while you clean around them.

Tidy-up time, putting rubbish in the bin and picking up after themselves

I’ve put these chores together because they are all about learning how to live tidily – it’s a journey we all have to make and, let’s face it, often we never get far. When children are babies and toddlers, most parents accept that their little wonders are going to make a mess; they’re going to play with things, sort things, unpack things, throw things, leave things, forget things. They leave a kind of trail-of-play in their wake, or in other words – they make a big ol’ mess. It’s up to us to reset the rooms and put things away after bedtime so it’s ready for the next day of mess-making (otherwise known as playful exploration and discovery). Do bear in mind that it’s definitely worthwhile doing this daily reset; children’s interest soon wanes in anything left out for too long, and it’s amazing how old toys and playthings suddenly become the bee’s knees again after a day or two of absence.

Toddlers can begin their learning to live tidily journey by helping with this end-of-day tidy-up. It really helps if you have lots of tubs, boxes and baskets for their toys and playthings – and shelves at a suitable height. However, don’t expect them to clear away with any great efficiency to begin with. It’s merely the idea and concept of a ‘time to tidy up’ that we’re trying to introduce here.

Have some sort of signal to indicate the start of tidy-up time – perhaps a little bell, shaker or tambourine. Give your child the opportunity to announce it every once in a while, as they’ll love the feeling of power it gives them. The sound signal can be used during tidy-up time too, should anyone forget and start playing again – and that includes the grown ups.

Give your child a choice as to what they’d like to tidy away; for example, cars or books.

‘Gimme five.’ This game works well for preschoolers as they only have to put away five things – but they all have to be different things, so not five Lego bricks, for example.

‘Colour code.’ This is a fun and challenging game for preschoolers who are confident with their colours. Everyone chooses a colour and only puts things away that have that colour somewhere on it. The challenge for slightly older children is that at the end of the game they must guess what colour code the others chose.

Race against each other, the clock, or the length of a song. Most children cannot resist a challenge like this – just decide the race conditions and they’ll be off in a tidying frenzy. Remember that small items scattered all over the floor, such as toy cars and Duplo blocks, can be swept into one place with a broom or dustpan brush before being put away. This can make a job much less daunting, and cut down on the back-and-forth-with-one-item scenario.

Keep spirits high with a favourite song. We’ve enjoyed a hearty rendition of ‘Whistle While You Work’ many a tidy-up time.

Tidy up in the manner of various animals or book characters. Say ‘freeze’ every minute or so and choose a new style of tidying. Ask your children for suggestions – you’ll be amazed at what they’ll come up with and how well they’ll embody the spirit of the craziest things. We’ve tidied up like cupcakes before now. Yes . . . cupcakes.

You’ve probably seen the basketball-hoop bin that is loved by teenagers the world over. Who can resist the challenge of a slam-dunk, even if it is only rubbish being thrown away? Young children won’t have the skills for this kind of precision challenge, of course, but preschoolers love a race against the clock – to the bin and back – to dispose of a handful of rubbish.

For children, picking up after themselves is perhaps the hardest of the tidying-up lessons to learn. It’s the one from which parents often feel their children are deliberately shirking as they approach or reach school age. It’s the moment when the trail of discarded coats, shoes, bags, tissues, jumpers on return from nursery or a day out, or the mess of a day’s worth of play suddenly smacks of our children having no respect for us, their things or their home – although it is important to remember that children are not deliberately trying to make us feel this way. Pave the way for their future independence with playful tidying techniques when they’re little; it’ll definitely help them learn to look after their things themselves as they grow up.

We can get a lot of tips from Montessori educational practice here – which promotes independence and responsibility for one’s self – by ensuring our learning and living spaces reflect this philosophy. We can easily replicate some of their practical ideas in our homes without too much fuss, or expense:

Have hooks for coats and shoe storage close to the entrance of your home – and at an accessible height. As your children master the art of de-coating, make it an automatic next step for them to try to remember to hang it up. Putting up special pegs at their height could be a reward for being so big and grown up. Offer an incentive, a playful activity, once the arriving home jobs have been done. This can be a real motivator for children of all ages; it’s a playful example of the When/Then technique: when they’ve put away their shoes, then they can play with some play dough.

As your child approaches school age, or when you feel they are ready, introduce a few more tidy-up times throughout the day; for example, just before lunch and teatime perhaps, as well as a big one at the end of the day. During these the children can tell you what they’ve finished playing with so just a few things can be put away.

‘Points make prizes.’ This is a game to kick-start, or reinvigorate, interest in picking up after yourself. Make a score chart, however you like, to record every time you or your children notice that they or someone else has picked up after themselves. When you’ve reached a certain score there should be a family treat, like watching a movie or something similar.

Putting groceries away

Grocery shopping with young children in tow is, in my book, a great achievement in itself. It seems most unfair that when we get back home there’s a whole new challenge to undertake. Where is that fairy godmother when you need her? Putting away the groceries is a time-consuming chore which, if left unchecked, can last all day and lead to the unscheduled and unofficial distribution of edible treats to one and all.

The following ideas might help to distract your little one from the ‘I spot, I want’ nightmare as you unpack and get them counting, sorting, stacking and playing alongside you as those treats and special things-for-another-time can be discreetly secreted onto high shelves and into cupboards.

Put your child in charge of the more robust fruit and vegetables – hand them over with the storage utensil of your choice and get them to put them away. Of course, they’ll be playing with them more than actually carrying out the official task, but they’ll love doing it and there’ll be lots of opportunity to find out how many apples or potatoes you bought, or which is the biggest potato or the longest leek.

Give your child a fun, manageable mission and get them to take some non-kitchen items – perhaps things for the bathroom – to the right place. If you time them there and back I bet they’ll not be able to resist trying to carry out the task as quickly as they can, again and again.

‘Pass the packets.’ This game is a fun spotting-and-sorting challenge. Choose one type of grocery item to put away at a time, i.e. packets, tins, boxes or bottles. Work together to spot them all and put them away before moving on to the next category.

Cooking

I’m not talking about baking biscuits and cupcakes here, I mean the daily task of making breakfast, lunch and dinner for the masses. Some people love to cook, they find it relaxing and creatively rewarding, but having to prepare toddler-friendly morsels – every day – whilst simultaneously being in charge of small children, can break even the most dedicated foodie. There are lots of clever things people do to avoid this repetitive chore, such as cook in bulk and freeze in portions, or have weekly menus, but here I’m hoping to break the relentless monotony by making cooking a way to play for you and your little one.

Involve your child in one or more of the cooking tasks once in a while, perhaps even making it their speciality. For example, they could wash the vegetables, break the eggs, grate the cheese, snip the ham, squish the tomatoes, slice the mushrooms or banana with a blunt knife, juice the lemon, choose the herbs by smell – that kind of thing.

Toddlers will also be very happy to occasionally play along with cooking in the kitchen. Hand over a selection of safe kitchen utensils and equipment, for example a real saucepan with a wooden spoon – which is often more tempting than a toy version – and some dried pasta (you can re-use this for play cooking over and over again) and they’ll be ‘cooking’ up a storm in no time.

‘Play along with play dough.’ This activity has got me out of a tight spot many a time when my two children were toddlers. At the kitchen table or equivalent, give your child a ball of herb-infused play dough (recipe), a few toy kitchen utensils, a couple of plastic plates and an empty shoe box (which makes a great oven) and they’ll be happily occupied while you get on with the real deal. Play dough is so versatile; your little one will be able to make anything from peas and pasta, to potatoes and pizza.

Less-frequent chores

Cleaning the car

I only ever contemplate cleaning the car if there are children involved. I’ve yet to meet a child who doesn’t love it, and this makes the whole thing seem much more of an attractive proposition in my book. The car may not get a thorough clean by child alone, but there’ll be fun and laughter in bucket loads to accompany what might otherwise be a rather arduous task. Make sure everyone is in appropriate clothing and footwear so that getting wet isn’t a problem – because they will definitely get wet.

Set up your carwash together before you start: assemble buckets and bowls full of warm soapy water, sponges, brushes and cloths and drinking-water bottles for rinsing. Chamois-leathers and soft cloths need to be kept out of reach until step 4.

Use a sand-timer or equivalent to help move smoothly from one stage of the job to the next. There are five steps:

1 A first rinse: everyone can help rinse the whole car with clean water to remove the scratchy surface dust and dirt. Flinging water from drinking-water bottles is great fun, and easy for little ones to master.

2 Soaping and scrubbing: the grown up should clean the wheels (using a heavy-duty scrubbing brush if possible) as these are likely to be the dirtiest part of the car. The children can soap-up wherever they can reach.

3 Rinsing off the soap: as step 1, but the aim of the game is to rid the car of bubbles rather than to just wet it. Start from as high as possible and work down the car, for efficient de-soaping.

4 Drying: use a chamois to dry the bodywork – wring it out frequently while your little one uses a piece of newspaper to get the windows smear-free. They may need to stand on their sink-step to do this.

5 Cleaning inside the car: you could vacuum while your child cleans the dust off the dashboard and so on. Soft paintbrushes can often get into the hard-to-reach dusty and crumby nooks and crannies. I swear by baby wipes for a thorough de-stickying of door handles, gear stick and steering wheel. Young children will find being allowed to sit in the front of the car very exciting – do allow time for their imaginative play, as they will undoubtedly ‘drive’ you to the beach or the zoo.

Defrosting the freezer

This is a relatively infrequent job, but sometimes it’s imperative. You know that moment? It’s when it becomes impossible to open or close the freezer drawers without using the force of ten men, and there’s only the freezer’s own ice in there anyway. Sometimes, you have no choice but to carry out this chore while in charge of little ones – so here are a few ways to manage that eventuality:

While you’re emptying the frozen stuff into cool bags to preserve what you can, empty your ice-cube tray onto a large flat metal or plastic tray for your little ones to play with. Ice cubes glide, skid and crash brilliantly – a bit like bumper-cars. Add a little silver glitter, plastic toy animals and figures and you’ll have a brilliant small-world Polar landscape for your little one to enjoy. (See here and here for more ideas for small world play.)

If you have one of those no-mess Aquamats, let your child draw with the melting ice cubes instead of the water-filled pens it comes with; it’s a very satisfying experience.

If the ice cream is simply not going to stay frozen enough to make it back into the freezer, why not treat yourselves to a home-made sundae while your freezer is defrosting? Let your little one help with scooping the ice cream, adding any sprinkles, fruit and sauce that you have to hand. These extras could be presented to the children in your empty ice-cube tray (if there’s a few of you) so there’s just enough of everything displayed and ready for self-service.

Cleaning windows

Some people recommend cleaning the windows twice a year, but I know that we wash some of our windows more often than that – and others (those we can’t easily reach) about . . . never. If you use your windows in play (which I really hope you might consider, if you don’t already) – you will need to wash them more frequently, of course, but at least it’ll be because they’ve been dirtied through use and not just accumulated grub. I don’t know why that makes me feel better, but it does. My mum said she loved it when her grandchildren came to visit her because she would see their little hand marks on the glass doors out to the garden and note them getting just a little higher up the pane each time. Apparently, she sometimes didn’t wipe them off, just to remind her of our last visit. I suspect that’s a grandmother-love-thing, but remembering this means I’m never miffed at finger marks on our windows.

Allocate an accessible windowpane for your child to clean while you clean others nearby. Of course you will have to go back and properly wash their window later, but this chore is much more fun if you have a little help-mate close by.

Hand over some neoprene (craft) foam shapes or those foam shapes or letters for use in the bath, plus a little water in a plastic pot or cup and small paintbrush. Your child could then decorate one of the windows.

Sorting out outgrown and worn-out clothes

There’s nothing like the simultaneous change of season and a growth spurt to suddenly render 70 per cent of a child’s wardrobe useless. If your children’s clothes need a bit of a sort out, try this three-pile sorting game. My children loved playing this when they were under five, and although it would often lead to some sudden sentimentality about clothes that had been fiercely refused before, it worked as a fun way to get the job done, with the children conveniently there to check what fitted and what didn’t. Tumble the contents of their wardrobes and drawers onto their bedroom floor and let the Goldilocks Three-pile Sort begin. The three piles could be:

Clothes that are too small (or too worn out) to keep – to give or throw away

Clothes that are too big (perhaps inherited from older siblings or cousins, and the like) – to store away

Clothes that are just right and fit your child now

The third pile will inevitably, and annoyingly, always be the smallest pile, but at least you’ll have had fun finding out, and got a handy reminder about some of your children’s clothes that may have got lost in the mix.

Gardening

Whether you have a huge garden or just a windowbox and front porch, the general maintenance and upkeep of your outside space can be a way to play for young children. Of course, for many, gardening is an activity that is not a chore, but rather is a hobby – a passion even – and green-fingered parents happily and naturally want to pass on to their children their love of gardening.

The benefits of gardening with little ones are numerous and well documented; learning through outside play, growing things, looking after plants, finding mini-beasts and getting muddy, allowing children to connect with nature and develop an understanding about the world around them. There are numerous concerns for safety when gardening, though, so children should always be supervised when outdoors, and hands should always be washed after any gardening activity. We will discover more ways to play in the garden later in this book, but starting with the basics, here are a few ways in which you can begin to include young children in some very gentle, general gardening jobs:

Get them to collect up litter or debris like fallen branches and twigs. This can be made fun by putting a time limit on it – challenge yourselves to see how fast you can clear the garden together. The best twigs and sticks can be kept for playing with at a later date, and this promise could be used as a motivational carrot, to find for example, the best stick to become their new wand. We’ve painted sticks and twigs with poster paint before; they look marvellous. If you gather enough you could also make a tepee for toys. Just tie the tops of the twigs with twine and splay out the other ends.

Sweep or rake up stray leaves on lawns, walkways and paths. You can buy miniature versions of good-quality garden brooms and rakes for your little one to try to help; this will need careful supervision, though, as rakes can be a bit pointy and pokey if not used correctly. Or you could sweep up the leaves yourself, making it playful by piling them up into artful shapes or maze-like pathways for your little ones to enjoy. Hand over to your children the most beautiful of the leaves as if they’re treasure – they’ll soon be collecting their own. These can be played with there and then, or saved to use in an art activity later. Or set them a challenge to find the biggest/smallest/brightest/pointiest leaf.

Clear moss from stone or brick walkways which could become slippery. How satisfying for little ones to be allowed to prise away the green stuff. Let them use a small trowel or teaspoon for this. Save the moss for making a miniature garden later.

Children love helping with watering. This job is best done in the early morning or late evening, when you will lose the least amount of water to evaporation. There are some great lightweight mini watering cans available for little gardeners. This is a good time to teach children about where water comes from, and how we use it. Make your own rain collectors by using large, empty water or soft-drink bottles. Simply cut off their tops (where the neck of the bottle begins) and rest the offcuts on top, upturned, to prevent large bits of unwanted debris (or animals) getting stuck inside.

Weeding is a job that requires supervision; although many weeds can be easily pulled up, roots and all, by small children, you need to make sure they check with you before pulling anything up, in case it’s a plant! Rather than composting the weeds, many smallish weeds make fabulous shrubs and trees for miniature gardens. If the roots are intact as you pull them up, pass the best-looking weeds to your little one to plant up in a flowerpot, planter or small wooden container.

Give the children a mucky job that won’t cause damage to your plants! Discovering mini-beasts and worms is all part of the gardening experience, and collecting such creatures for investigation will keep them busy while you work. You need a suitable container (with air-holes) as a temporary base for the mini-beasts, some damp soil and a few stones. Add magnifying glasses and torches for the budding biologist. If your children find snails, slugs or caterpillars (or their eggs) on the underside of the leaves, make sure they tell you, so you can decide how to deal with them. My daughter adores snails and insists on making little habitats for them, but none of us are that keen on slugs (a huge pest in our garden), so I always get a call to come and remove the wee beastie if she discovers one. Above all, lead by example: show the children how to hold the creepy crawlies without hurting them, and that you respect them by always putting the little creatures back when you have finished with them.

Pruning and trimming is a job for the grown up, but depending on their length and number, the offcuts are great for play. Smallish, tender offcuts can be handed over for some imaginative garden ‘cooking’ – to be ripped up and stirred into old pots and pans along with grass cuttings, mud and water. Larger and more numerous branches and trimmings can make outside dens, or as the scenery of a small world setting for vehicles, animals or fairies.

Planting may well be a seasonal or infrequent job, depending on the size and type of your outside space, as well as your interest in gardening. You may have no flowerbeds whatsoever, so any planting will be constricted to containers. If you have a large mature garden with well-established plants, shrubs and trees you may wish to allocate a small flowerbed for easy-to-grow plants to be cultivated by yourself and your little one.

Quick and easy plants to grow with the kids

Here are some of the easiest plants to grow and look after:

Sweet peas: You don’t need a big garden to grow these beautifully scented flowers, they are ideal for a large pot or a windowbox.

Sunflowers: One of the best plants to get children started on. They are easy to grow and the seeds are cheap to buy. Children of all ages love them, and because they are quick-growing they keep them interested over several months.

Lamb’s ears: Children love stroking this plant’s soft velvety leaves, and the spikes of purplish-pink small flowers are attractive to bees, so ideal for a bug watch.

Snapdragons: These flowers are pretty and easy to grow. If you gently pinch their blooms they look like roaring dragons.

Marigolds: The blooms are vibrant yellows and oranges, and the plants are pretty forgiving if you forget to water them. The kids can plant them in pots or, if they are prone to forgetting to water them, they will find their own way in a sunny flowerbed.

Nasturtiums: Sow the seeds in pots in spring and the foliage then large orange and yellow blooms will quickly appear. Great for playing food games with, as the flowers are edible.

Tomatoes: Every gardening beginner’s favourite. You can grow them from seedlings planted straight into a compost bag or large pot. They need a sunny spot and a fair bit of watering, but there’s nothing like growing your own to encourage young children to try eating tomatoes.

Herbs: These plants are a wonderful source of scent. Lavender and rosemary are pretty tough, and both have purple-ish small flowers that attract bees. Rosemary can be used in cooking, and the petals of lavender can be dried and then used to make sweet-scented pocket-pillows or pot pourri.

Get your children interested in nature while they are out in the garden with you, and make their job the one of feeding the birds. You can very simply make a birdbath by using a terracotta flowerpot saucer or an old ceramic plate placed on top of an upturned flowerpot. Make sure it is kept clean and is filled with fresh water often – young children love to help with this. Providing birds with food, especially in the winter when the ground is frozen, is very important. Most garden centres sell seasonally-appropriate food to scatter on the ground, or on a bird table. You can also make bird-feeders with your children to hang from trees. Our favourite are apple- and seed-feeders which seem to attract most birds to our garden. (See for how to make this garden bird-feeder with your children.) The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has further tips for looking out for garden birds. Visit: www.rspca.org.uk/allaboutanimals/wildlife/inthewild/feedinggardenbirds/birdfeedingguide

Brilliant books for budding gardeners

There are some funny and beautifully illustrated picture books about gardens and gardening to pique interest and entertain you and your little ones. Here are a few of our favourites:

The Enormous Turnip – a classic folk tale retold by many and available worldwide in various editions

The Carrot Seed by Ruth Krauss

Monkey and Robot in the Garden by Felix Hayes and Hannah Broadway

Ben’s Butterfly Garden by Kate Petty and Axel Scheffler

Flora’s Flowers by Debi Gliori

Eddie’s Garden: and How to Make Things Grow by Sarah Garland

How about singing while you do your garden chores? Here are a few of our favourites:

D’you know the parts of a plant? (Sing to the tune of Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes)

D’you know the parts of a plant, of a plant?

D’you know the parts of a plant, of a plant?

Flower and leaf

And stem and root

D’you know the parts of a plant, of a plant?

Lavender’s blue and Roses are red medley

Lavender’s blue, dilly dilly

Lavender’s green

When I am king, dilly dilly

You shall be queen.

Roses are red, dilly dilly

Violets are blue

Sugar is sweet, dilly dilly

And so are you.

For more information and seasonal suggestions for gardening with children, visit the Royal Horticultural Society website at www.rhs.org.uk/Children/For-families

*change the action to sing about different types of laundry jobs like ‘hang out the clothes’, or ‘fold the clothes’.

*Change to other areas or pieces of furniture such as the banister, the bookshelf, the TV, the windowsill or the picture frame

10-Second Set-ups

‘The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.’

Lane Olinhouse

As a parent, you know how the concept of time radically changes as soon as there’s a baby around. Minutes can seem like hours when your little one won’t stop crying or refuses to sleep, and hours can pass like minutes when it seems you’ve surely only just finished feeding your baby and yet somehow it’s time to do it all again. Babies just don’t follow the conventions of time as we know it. As Catharine Kedjidjian of the website BabyZone writes, ‘Babies start life with a distorted concept of time: night can be day and everything is now.’

We are at the behest of our babies. We find ourselves asking questions like, ‘Is there time for me to get dressed before the baby needs feeding again?’ or even, ‘Do I have time to go to the toilet before the baby needs me?’ And the truth is, there really is no way of telling if there is actually time or not; when our children are babies there are countless days when we never quite have enough time to get fully dressed, or to brush our hair, or even to drink a cup of tea while it’s still warm. As parenthood begins, time is no longer our own, and either gladly or reluctantly, we hand it over to our babies and join the ranks of selfless providers and carers as per the tacit new-parent contract: any time, any place, anywhere.

‘While I feed my baby I can eat my lunch with one hand or pick things up off the floor with my feet. I have my hair tied back in a pony-tail – well, that stays put for days without any attention. You learn to just get by when you have a baby.’

Mum of two – master of multi-tasking

Carla Poole, Susan A. Miller EdD, and Ellen Booth Church explain on Scholastic.com how this early parenting is important in forming the beginnings of a baby’s understanding of time:

‘A multitude of nurturing moments helps babies’ natural body rhythms and schedules take shape. Loving relationships are formed and life becomes a more predictable pattern of people, things, and events.’

As our babies move towards toddlerhood, time begins to take on a more recognisable and predictable structure again. But there is no concept of hours or minutes in a toddler’s mind; instead there’s nap time, milk time, nappy-changing time, lunch time, snack time, story time, play time, bath time and bed time. They’re grasping the abstract nature of time through the routines and patterns of their daily activity. They’re certainly not sticking to any clock, and woe betide any parent who tries to keep their toddler ‘on time.’ I’ll never forget my own battles at the sandpit when my son, then two, would clearly demonstrate that his time to play had not finished – despite whatever I might think. He just would not have it that it was time to leave, that the park was closing. He would lie down on his back, stiff as a board, refusing to budge. Ah, happy memories.

As Carla, Ellen and Susan point out, two-year-olds have all the time in the world; it’s us adults who never have enough. When your child is a toddler it’s clear that they are still in charge of time – and they can be incredibly forceful in deciding how it will be spent, and often frustratingly unrealistic.

The good news is that as toddlers move towards preschool age, they begin to understand the concept of ‘before’ and ‘after’. This can be very useful in moving the day along smoothly; we, the grown ups, can then start to be more in charge of time, with simple authoritative statements that include these concepts: we’ll play outside after nap time, or, before we have our snack we must wash our hands.

Preschoolers also start to get the idea of when and then, which is lovely for either reviewing the day, reporting it to granny, say, or using it to talk about the future: when you’ve taken off your shoes and coat, then you can go and play. There are lots of positive and playful methods of establishing rules and routines in the chapter Sanity Savers.

But what about the times in between the transitional moments in the day, when we’re not needed to direct, help or move things along to the next, or more suitable, activity?

When children play

These in-between times – when your little one is oblivious to time passing and is happily occupied, independently busy, involved in an activity – are like manna from heaven when we first encounter them. And it’s in these moments we discover that, while they still need subtle supervision, our children really don’t need us to entertain them, or to be involved. This begins very early on, even when our children are babies, as parenting expert Janet Lansbury discovered with her three-month-old baby.

‘I placed her on her back on a blanket near me and watched. My needy, vocal baby, the one I’d been entertaining and engaging almost every moment she was awake, spent nearly two hours in this position, peaceful and content. She knew I was there, shot an occasional glance my direction, but didn’t seem to need a thing from me except, perhaps, my appreciative presence. And, oh, I was beyond appreciative.’

On her website (www.janetlansbury.com) Janet has beautiful video footage of babies happily playing on their own, playing with their toes, just looking around them or at something close-up, or happily reaching out and making efforts to get toys and objects, for much longer than we might think possible.

As a child grows into a toddler and preschooler he or she becomes increasingly capable of entering this zone, and for longer, where they find their flow; they are busy, they are concentrating on something with an impressively long attention span; they are playing independently. When we see this ‘magic’ happening we are often tempted to watch and marvel at their brilliance, and for some parents it’s very tricky not to interrupt them – albeit unintentionally. But also, it may occur to us that we might be able to take advantage of this little bit of freedom. If we simply let the children carry on playing, maybe we could make that quick phone call? Or read the newspaper for a minute? But as writer Lane Olinhouse points out, it seems the moment we sit down and look comfortable (or equivalent) we suddenly have the undivided attention of our child.

Sometimes, young children can’t help but to tune in to us and what we’re doing, the moment we think they’re immersed enough for us to tackle that chore or dash off that email. For every time we successfully step away and achieve something while they’re playing, there are many times when our little one is suddenly round our feet, needing us right now, when we were quite invisible to them just seconds before. And flag up to a toddler that you need them to ‘just wait a minute’ while you finish fixing the TV remote, or applying for a new car tax disc and you’re usually on a hiding to nothing. They need help to find their flow again, and it is on these occasions when 10-second set-ups can save the day.

Can young children really wait?

It seems not all young children challenge their parents in this way. Pamela Druckerman, author of French Children Don’t Throw Food has discovered that Parisian children definitely know how to ‘wait’. They are simply told to do so by their parents and teachers from very early on in their lives, and they apparently learn this skill rather successfully, developing the self-control and resourcefulness to self-distract until the waiting is done. By doing this, French children have earned themselves a reputation for being a tantrum-free, non-clingy and independent lot. This strict, no-nonsense tactic of simply being absolutely authoritative in stating when children need to wait clearly works for French parents, but to me it seems rather unnecessarily brutal. It also encourages unwanted behaviour, known in France as ‘betises’, which are basically the times when children are ‘getting up to no good’. According to Druckerman, in France this is apparently a common and almost expected side-effect of getting children to wait.

Fortunately, it is possible to help young children learn not just to wait, but how to wait – how to find their flow again – by tapping into their intrinsic desire to be busy, productive and playful. We can guide them back to independent play by using gentle, simple and playful methods. Being able to find something to do – something that is constructive, calm and absorbing – is a highly useful skill that can stay with toddlers right through childhood and into adulthood. Knowing our children have this skill means we parents can get the space we need should we wish to do something for ourselves (without wondering if our child is ‘getting up to no good’) even if it’s just sitting down and collecting our thoughts for a minute or two.

So, my second way to play is about helping toddlers and preschoolers find their flow of independent play again; when we need them to amuse themselves constructively while we get on with something else.

TV or not TV? That is the question . . .

Of course, a very tempting way to get young children to wait – to be quickly absorbed, quiet and captivated – is to plonk them down in front of the TV, or, if we’re out and about, by handing over our smartphone or iPad. And the truth is this tactic will usually work like a dream; our children become quiet, still and occupied, giving us that much-needed downtime or the opportunity to complete a task that needs adult-only attention. But problems will arise if we rely too much on the screen as a babysitter.

When the TV is constantly on, often it becomes just something in the background to our little ones, even if it is set to a channel showing programmes aimed at them. They either end up ignoring the screen in the corner all together – and so it loses its power as an attention-grabber or babysitter – or they become totally addicted to it. It is a drug, after all.

Where a generation ago nearly all preschool programming was limited to certain times of the day (and was advert-free), now there’s TV for tots around the clock. Turning it off can be a real battle because there are no longer any natural breaks, not least because we are always shown what will be on next to keep our little ones tuned in. Apps and computer games are the same – there’s no sense of them ever ending, you can simply ‘play’ the games again and again.

In a recent Yale Family Television Research study teachers described children who watched excessive amounts of TV as less imaginative, less cooperative, less enthusiastic about learning and less happy as those children who watched little or no TV. The reason being that by watching too much TV or playing with computer games too often, children may eventually find it difficult to keep themselves busy at play in the real world, and might lose their natural creativity. Sue Palmer, author of Toxic Childhood, explains that in the first few years of childhood, genuine interactive first-hand experiences are much more important than technological toys. She quotes Dr David Walsh of the National Institute on Media and the Family, ‘If we orientate our kids to screens so early in their lives, we risk making media their automatic default activity.’ Whatever your App says it can do for your child’s learning, it cannot provide the real-life, hands-on activities that are so important for young children’s healthy development – it’s how they learn about the world around them. A hands-on approach to toddler learning beats high-tech hands down.

From a physical perspective, too much TV watching and playing computer games can drain a little one’s naturally high energy levels, making them far too sedentary. Physical play is very important to toddler growth; it builds strong muscles and helps children discover what their bodies can do. Small children naturally want to run, jump and climb, but as Sue Palmer suggests, too much screen time may result in them becoming sluggish, frustrated or fractious. She also cites some research in Scotland showing that three-year-olds weigh more than their counterparts of twenty-five years ago because physical activity levels have dropped off so dramatically.

I’m not saying that a little TV watching or a short time on screen-based activities can’t be useful (in fact, it features in the chapter Stay and Play), it’s just that now there is so much on offer 24/7 that we have to be really on top of just how much our little ones are exposed to.

But here’s the good news: by having other, more playful, options up our sleeve, we can nurture independent play habits for our children as they approach school age; play that is creative, often physical, involves learning and is in the real world, in real time. As the National Literacy Trust tells us, encouraging independent play is much more beneficial to toddler and preschool learning than anything our children will see on screen.

Setting the rules for screen time

If you do occasionally want to use screen time, here are some tips that may help to keep you in control:

Set limits in advance and be disciplined about keeping them.

Consider showing full-length feature films in a series of instalments.

Choose what your tot watches and uses wisely and always supervise them as they watch. Even better, stay and play with them while they are involved in any screen-based activity.

Think of TV and App use like sweets; you’d never hand over a whole bag of assorted treats to your tot – too many would make them sick, and you never know if there’s a hard toffee or a choking hazard of a boiled sweet in there. Select, share and limit the treat.

10-second set-ups are a way to play

By offering simple, self-explanatory and open-ended play prompts that either surprise or are somehow linked to what the adult is trying to do at the time, we can provide an initial spark of interest. The activity should then captivate, involve and absorb a young child for many independent minutes at a time, so freeing us up to feed the baby, make that call or open the mail. In time, they will start to come up with their own ideas – self-initiating positive play when they find themselves at a loose end.

There are numerous benefits to 10-second set-ups, both for you and your toddler or preschooler:

you get some downtime.

you have the opportunity to complete that task that needs adult-only attention, enjoy that cup of coffee, or have that conversation with another grown up.

your child goes back to being happily occupied, playing.

your child masters how to play independently and how to keep their flow of concentration.

their attention spans are given a good workout and will become more robust and lengthy.

your child becomes used to parents or carers being present but not required.

he or she develops numerous skills through playful activity.

you both get some quality time alone, but together.

a child’s temptation for sneaky ‘mischief-making’ behaviour is vastly reduced.

Which 10-second set-up?

The aim of any 10-second set-up is to promote independent play without you getting too involved – ten seconds should be long enough for you to offer the bait, and then your little one can take the play where they like. The actual complexity of the play will of course depend on the age of your child, their specific abilities, their dexterity, their maturity level, the set-up of your home and where you are.

Below are some tips to bear in mind when offering a 10-second set-up for your little one:

Don’t stop them if they are already immersed in independent play; just keep an idea up your sleeve in case they tune in to what you’re doing and can’t get back their flow, even when encouraged to.

A 10-second set-up should be about discovery and experience, not end product.

Keep it very simple, using just an idea, perhaps something you have prepared earlier, or something you have to hand wherever you are.

Make sure that you involve objects that are not always accessible to your little one, so they become more interesting and alluring.

Be low-key in your offering of the object or activity; if you make too much of it, your child might well be put off. Even better if they discover its presence by themselves.

Check the activity is open-ended, will naturally lead your child on to playing something else independently, or has the potential to be a long enough challenge or game that will keep them engaged for as long as you need.

Make sure the activity is pretty much self-explanatory and self-exploratory.

Don’t intervene if they’re playing with the stuff in a wholly different way to how you’d envisaged. Leave them be and let them play.

Try different set-ups often to keep them fresh and irresistible.

Think about the set-up’s element of surprise; it needs to be something that immediately grabs their attention.

Do listen out for genuine needs and always be subtly supervising.

Don’t expect every set-up to work every time.

Always be close at hand to keep an eye on your child, but try not to become involved in the activity – let them play independently.

Always check that the objects used for the set-ups are not choking hazards. This is especially important for the under-threes.

Older children might respond well to a timed activity, e.g. ‘when the timer goes off, Daddy will be finished and we can play something together’.

Be aware of your little one’s go-to type of play; if they’re mad on construction or imaginative play, for example, you can rely more on 10-second set-ups that spark playful activity in that direction.

Acknowledge to your child that they’ve allowed you to get your job done, if you made them aware that this was the purpose of this independent play time.

When I asked parents on Facebook what things their little ones seemed to resent them doing or just plain didn’t allow them to do without them wrapped around their legs, or equivalent, making phone calls or going to the toilet seemed to be most problematic. But there were numerous other everyday activities mentioned too, and some of these are listed below:

Grown-up activities, when children might need to ‘wait’:

Drying hair Eating Taking a shower Shaving Cleaning teeth Daily stretches, exercises or yoga practice Making a phone call Going to the toilet Getting dressed Sitting down Making a cup of tea Making a sandwich/cooking Fixing something Changing a light bulb Taking out the rubbish Opening the mail Clearing up after a meal Paying bills Making appointments Listening to the weather or traffic news on the radio Helping other children Feeding a baby Having a conversation with another adult

Out and about:

Waiting in a queue Interaction at the counter in a shop, at the bank or post office Having a (brief) business meeting A doctor’s appointment A dentist appointment

So, here are lots of examples of 10-second set-ups for those instances when you need your child to be calmly, happily and busily playing independently. This way to play is a quick-fix solution that will take 10 seconds or less to explain to your child. Some 10-second setups do need to be prepped in advance, but this extra work will pay dividends when you’re feeling the pressure and can’t think of anything to tempt your little one to play on their own.

Each suggestion given here will help to promote independent play, encouraging toddlers and preschoolers not only to wait, but to learn that waiting can be fun. This is in no way a finite list, of course – I’m sure you’ll discover different set-ups that work a treat for your little one as you start to introduce them into your daily play.

Personal care

In the bathroom

When my two were very small, I remember taking their baby-bouncer chair into the bathroom while I took a shower. If I timed it right, the whole experience was wonderfully sensorial and they would happily sit and bounce and look around, just enjoying the warmth, sights and sounds of my shower-time.

However, such simple distractions will not be enough to capture your child’s attention as they become toddlers and preschoolers. If your child finds it difficult to wait while you have a shower, i.e. they are unable to choose something – and stay with something – to do that doesn’t need you, try one or two of these 10-second set-ups to help them get into their flow:

Shaving foam art: Here’s one that is especially good for dads. One blob of shaving foam put onto a lid of an ice-cream tub or similar goes a long way and will provide a wonderful, sensory substance for your little one to enjoy while you shave. If they need more help with how to play with it, challenge them to make as many different patterns on the lid as they can, using their fingers to move the foam around.

Aquamat doodle-time: If they need encouragement to play with the Aquamat, challenge them to cover the whole thing with patterns and pictures for you to see when you step out of the shower.

Bathroom busy bags: This needs some prep in advance. Fill a couple of small tote bags, make-up bags or inexpensive pencil cases with different things. Produce them only when you need to and change their contents every now and again. The surprise of a new bag is usually a big hit. In these bags you could put:

Foam bath-time letters or shapes. A wet sponge in a small bowl will provide enough moisture to make the letters cling to any tiled or porcelain bathroom surface.

Hair styling stuff. Bag up a few big clips, a soft brush, some soft hair scrunchies and a safety-mirror tile.

Empty bottles and big lids to match up and twist on. Check the lids are not so small that they pose a choking hazard.

Plastic stickle bricks/Duplo or Octons. If your child needs a little help to find their flow with these, challenge them to make something tall or funny or beautiful by the time you’re out of the shower.

Small figurines’ bath time. Make up a simple kit with, say, a small plastic bowl plus soap plus a small sponge and a flannel, for a mini let’s-pretend bath time. If you put a little water in the bowl, place a towel underneath to prevent slips.

Sponge construction shapes. Cut up some colourful new sponges into shapes and bricks for some brilliant, and quiet, bathroom-themed building.

Waterproof craft foam cut into sections of road (you can also buy these pre-made) and a selection of small toy vehicles for some road building, and zooming and racing car action.

A selection of waterproof bath books.

Lots of mini-pom-poms or the foam ‘peanuts’ you get as box packaging and a small, empty, dry water bottle. Challenge your little one to fill the bottle with pom-poms by the time you have finished in the shower. You can use the pom-poms or packing peanuts again and again, of course.

A message-in-a-bottle kit – you need a small, empty, dry water bottle, strips of paper and a pencil. Challenge your little one to ‘write’ you messages on the strips of paper and post them in the water bottle. See how many different messages they can make before you step out of the shower or finish brushing your teeth.

Let’s pretend wash bag – What you’ll need to do beforehand: Make up a special wash bag for them to investigate. It’s great if it has lots of pockets. It should look like a grown-up’s version, but with kid-friendly contents; a hand mirror, brush, comb, small wash cloth, mini water sprayer, some empty cream bottles, a nail buffer and emery board, cotton wool pads, a shower cap, a hair roller, a hair scrunchie, and the like.

Drying your hair

Offer your child a harmonica or other noisy musical toy to play on while you use the hair dryer. Let them know they can play as loudly as they like, in the same room as you, only while you are drying your hair. The noise – sorry – music, will get totally drowned out by your hair dryer and is the best way to really appreciate it, I think.

Getting dressed

Getting ready for the day when you have babies and very young children can often be a rather snatch-and-grab affair. But if you have your little one with you in the room you could try to take the time pressure off yourself by letting them discover a game while they wait for you to get dressed. Try one or two of these 10-second set-ups, if they aren’t able to find something to do themselves, to help them find their flow through calm play:

Dressing teddy: Offer some play silks or scarves plus a teddy they can dress up while you are doing your thing.

Dressing skills bags: These are good opportunities for young children to practise their own dressing skills without feeling under pressure to get ready quickly because of time constraints. What you’ll need to do beforehand: cut out hand-sized shapes in thin card or craft foam and punch holes round the edge. Fill a bag with these lacing cards plus a few shoelaces or yarn – sticky-tape the end to prevent fraying. Fill another with short and long strips of Velcro or zips, and another with big buttons to post into a plastic tub with a slit cut to size in the lid.

Button-up: I remember a wonderful book made by my sister, for my little sister, of felt – each page had some kind of ‘getting-dressed’ skill to try – like a picture of a shoe with real laces, and a picture of Humpty Dumpty with a real belt with a buckle. The idea below is a little less ambitious, but should capture the attention of your child just as well. What you’ll need to do beforehand: sew about ten colourful large buttons onto a piece of felt or non-fraying fabric just as you like. Then cut out shapes from felt – hearts, triangles, circles for example, and cut a slit through each to make a button hole. The shapes can be attached and removed again and again by your little one – great buttoning practice.

Junk-jewellery box discovery: Have a special-looking jewellery box for your little one to explore. Make sure they know that it’s a real treat to be allowed to look at your special things. Do keep all expensive and delicate stuff out of reach obviously – we’re talking plastic bangles and chunky beaded necklaces here.

Make-a-necklace kit: What you’ll need to do beforehand: into a shoebox or basket put a couple of handfuls of coloured pasta tubes, big chunky beads or cut-up pieces of drinking straws along with a shoe lace or yarn. Wrap a little sticky tape around one end to stop it fraying and tie a big knot at the other end. This kit will keep your little one independently busy, threading and necklace-making while you dress. Do check any beads used are not so small as to pose a choking hazard.

A special bag of books about getting dressed and clothes: Little ones feel very special lying on a grown-up’s bed, and will really enjoying looking at a few picture books in such a luxurious setting.

Some of our favourite books about getting dressed are:

Thomas Goes Out – Gunilla Wolde

Bare Bear – Miriam Moss and Mary McQuillan

The Emperor’s New Clothes – Hans Christian Andersen

The Tale of Peter Rabbit – Beatrix Potter

The Smartest Giant in Town – Julia Donaldson

Magnetic dress-up: Dig out those magnetic shapes plus a board – or a metal baking sheet works well. If the magnets have a clothing theme, all the better.

Puppet costumes: What you’ll need to do beforehand: gather a few finger puppets and some small fabric squares. Fold the fabric squares in half and make a small slit in the middle of each, big enough for the puppet’s head to be pushed through. This should start a spot of dramatic puppet play with the chance to change the characters’ costumes.

Exercising with a toddler-in-tow

Whether you are a fitness fanatic, an occasional runner, play competitive sport in a team, love dancing, cycling or swimming, there is no doubt that having small children will have had an impact on the amount of time available to exercise, and your attitude towards it. Whether you’re desperate to continue, get back to it, or start a new regime, you of course have to take into consideration what happens to your little one while you exercise. For some, it’s a matter of dropping them off at the gym’s crèche, or getting childcare while your team plays a match or you go for a run; for others it’s about waiting till the little one is napping, or in bed at night.

For many parents and carers, incorporating exercise into playing with their child is a good way to go. You can read more about ideas for this way to play in the chapter Stay and Play, but if you want to try to get your daily or weekly fix of exercise when you have your child with you, but not necessarily joining in with you, your little one needs to learn to wait while you exercise. With a 10-second set-up or two, you should find they get used to playing independently while you do your thing.

Exercising at home

If you exercise at home – say, doing yoga, Pilates, or dance, for example – and your children are swirling round your legs like puppies but are adamant they don’t want to join in, here are a few 10-second set-ups to distract and happily occupy them until you’ve finished your practice:

Plastic bubble-wrap popping challenge: Few young children can resist the lure of bubble-wrap. Small pieces can be set out like puddles – for leaping and jumping practice; make sure your little one has bare feet and the bubble-wrap is on a non-slip surface or secured to the floor with a little masking tape to keep the fun safe. Larger lengths can be used for marching, crawling, running and rolling practice. The challenge, if required, could be to see if they can pop every single air pocket before you’re finished with your exercise.

Target practice: Challenge your child to scrunch pieces of scrap or newspaper into balls – they’ll need to make at least ten – and then throw them, aiming into an empty waste-paper basket. Of course, the challenge can be made harder by standing further from the target.

Skittles: Sealed plastic bottles, with a little water in them for a bit of weight, make great skittles. Raid your recycling for at least three, and challenge your little one to see how many times they can knock them over and set them up before you’re finished. A small soft sponge ball or beanbag can be the projectile.

Walk the line: Make a couple of masking (painters’) tape lines – one straight, one zigzag, say – on the floor, away from where you’re exercising. That should start up some tight-rope walking, and who knows what else; toys and cars may also become involved. Just let them go with their flow – and you’ll have the space to finish those stretches.

Tracks and runs: If you have a toy train track or a marble run that your little one can make independently, now’s a good time to challenge them to see what they can make by the time you’ve finished your exercise; they’ll love showing you their design when you’re done.

Soft-toy Olympics: While you exercise, challenge your child to find out which of their soft toys is best at running, jumping, rolling, skating and the like, with an athletic competition. Medals could be given at the end – maybe you’ll get one too, for being so good at your particular exercise.

Books about sport or physical activity: Your child may relish a quiet few minutes near you, looking at stories about sport and exertion, while you finish yours. A couple of our favourite picture books with a sporting theme are:

Ambrose goes for Gold – Tor Freeman

The Tortoise and the Hare – an Aesop fable

Tunnel-time: These cheerfully coloured pop-up tunnels are a good investment – crawling babies love them and toddlers and preschoolers are still drawn to their enclosed, colourful space. They’ll slither and crawl through it again and again, but might also use it as a camp, or involve other toys. Its sudden appearance could intrigue your little one for at least the time you need to exercise, and probably longer.

Toys play Twister: If you have the game Twister (which I highly recommend getting) you can set it out for your little one with a few soft toys as the contestants. Your child can be in charge of the spinner and move the toys to the correct colour spots on the play-mat. They’ll make up the rest of the rules as they go along.

Sustenance

Whether we want to make a cup of tea or have a quick sandwich, finding time for our own sustenance is often a huge challenge for parents of the under-fives. One of my friends told me how she would surreptitiously eat most of her meals and snacks standing in her kitchen, facing away from her kids while they were in their high chairs. She had to hide what she was eating because they would always abandon whatever they were doing, even if it was having something identical, in favour of her food. Another friend’s two-year-old had a serious obsession with kettles for a while; he desperately wanted to open and close the lid and put the kettle on its stand over and over again if he ever got the faintest whiff of anyone wanting a cuppa. It was often easier to just not ever think about having a cup of tea. Some young children are very intrigued for a while with the process of food preparation and, as another mum told me, ‘sometimes, just sometimes, I’d rather they just let me get on with it.’

‘. . . very little ones grabbing at/climbing up your legs, or trying to get in the oven when you open it, or wanting to be carried so you have to do everything with one hand. Bigger little ones demanding food instantly when you are trying to cook it, “but Mum, I want something to eat NOW”! If you give in and do snacks then the cooked food doesn’t get eaten.’

A mum of two, trying to make lunch

Maybe the dream scenario, while food and drink is being prepared and partaken, is for your little one to be – as the French would have it – sage; a word I rather like. By this they mean that children, and very young children at that, are calm and self-controlled around food and at mealtimes – they certainly do not clamber to take your food, or food that’s destined for them but that is not ready yet, nor do they ask for different food. The way in which French parents achieve these dream eating habits and table manners in les enfants is, as you may have guessed, by setting strict rules; there is certainly no pandering to the potential fussy eaters out there. But I can totally see how the sage child, the calm and well-mannered child that waits patiently while food is being prepared, eats when and what they’re given, and allows their parents to do the same, might be something that makes this particular aspect of parenting easier. It’s how to achieve this, though, and that’s the tricky bit. Unless you’re French, of course.

If your child is finding it difficult at mealtimes – is not sage – and is exhibiting unwanted behaviour, then take a look at the chapter Sanity Savers, which might help. If, however, your child can’t find their flow of independent play while you prepare food or drink for yourself or them, try one or two of these 10-second set-ups to help them wait:

Play dough: This is a kitchen basic in my house. It’s such a wonderful way to get young children busy and concentrating at the kitchen table or on a plastic mat on the floor while the grown up cooks. There’s a recipe for homemade play dough – and a batch will last for ages if you keep it in an airtight container. One of the best things about using play dough as a 10-second set-up is that it is so versatile – you can ring the changes in a flash, refreshing children’s interest by offering different things to use with it; from favourite figurines, shells and sticks and rubber stamps, to toy kitchen equipment like plastic cookie-cutters and rolling pins, cupcake cases, buttons and pipe cleaners. The only thing they mustn’t do is eat it.

Empty muffin tins and ice cube trays: These compartmentalised containers are irresistible to young children. Just add pom-poms, favourite mini figurines, toys or play dough and see how the play develops.

Egg boxes and cardboard tubes: These recyclables are brilliant for little ones. Grab what’s to hand from your recycling stash and add some things to hide in the boxes or slide down the tubes, such as small figurines or toy vehicles. Or make a sensory tub for your little one to explore, right before their eyes, by placing the tubes and egg boxes in a large, wide-based box along with some uncooked rice (the rice can be used again and again), some plastic scoops, bowls and a funnel or two.

Pestle and mortar and herbs: We have a wooden pestle and mortar which my two children have loved since they were tiny; it makes them feel very chef-like or scientist-like. Just put out some handfuls of things for them to crush – like herbs from the garden, eggshells, a cracker or a few cornflakes.

Pincer practice: If you have a set of small tongs in your kitchen, or a set of kids’ chopsticks or tweezers, you can entice your child with a challenge to sort pom-poms, uncooked pasta shapes (which you can use again and again), fresh apple skin or carrot peelings – these are great materials for scissor practice too.

What’s in the drawer?: My mum had a drawer in her kitchen which could be easily reached and opened by my two children when they were tots. She realised this, and so always had some wonderful kitchen-y things in there for them to haul out and investigate. If you have a drawer that your little one always delves into, why not make it a ‘magic’ drawer and occasionally change or add to its contents? It could have a range of things inside from wooden spoons, a colander, sieve, and tubs and bowls, to more surprising contents from time to time like:

a few tote bags, cardboard boxes or socks with interesting things inside to investigate

a book or two

a soft toy

stuff for a tea party – a toy tea set, tablecloth and a toy guest or two

a clean metal baking tray, which will be magnetic, plus any magnetic dinosaurs, letters, vehicles or whatever you have to hand

plastic cups, bowls, containers and wooden spoons

Colander and pipe cleaners: This has become a bit of a classic ‘as seen on’ the Pinterest boards of the world – and with good reason. Young children really love posting and weaving pipe cleaners in and out the holes of a colander.

Salt-trays: A little fine table salt goes a long way. Thinly cover a tray with salt, and let your little one make their mark – just as they like (though do keep an eye on them to make sure they don't eat it!). You can add paintbrushes and forks to let them create different marks. A little side-to side shake allows them to start over again. Set them up somewhere where they’re comfortable and can really see into the tray easily – a low table, or the floor (with a wipe-clean tablecloth or play-mat underneath).

Busy bags: What you’ll need to do beforehand: Take a couple of small tote bags or simple drawstring bags and fill them with different things from time to time. The surprise of a new bag appearing is usually a big hit. In the busy bags you could put:

Build-a-meal activity. What you’ll need to do beforehand: Cut various shapes out of felt to make some let’s pretend foodstuff – carrots, sausages, cheese, tomatoes, pizza base, ham, bread, broccoli and the like – for some wonderful open-ended dinner-designing. Just provide a plastic plate for the assembling of the meal.

Create a food feast poster. Our local Post Office always stocks loads of stickers, often with food and drink themes, but you can buy them very cheaply online; postage is never much because they’re so light. Invite your little one to create a poster of a feast on some colourful paper using some food and drink stickers. Once made, the poster can be displayed in the kitchen, say, and used for a game where everyone chooses what they would eat at the feast.

Wooden spoon art. Adding colour to a wooden spoon is very satisfying. Provide watercolours, crayons or felt-tips (for older kids) – whatever you think your little one might like best – and a new wooden spoon or two; you can buy them very cheaply at pound shops or online.

Paper plate art. A bag with a paper plate and some crayons, watercolours or pencils inside should inspire your little one to decorate the plate just as they like – there’s no right way of doing it. Dry markers work well on shiny plastic-coated paper plates and are great if you would like to use the same plate a few times. Test which colouring instrument works best on the surface of the paper plates you have first.

Foodie magazine collage. What you’ll need to do beforehand: Scan freebie supermarket magazines, veggie-box delivery catalogues or food supplements in the weekend press for pictures of food. Cut out and collect these over a few weeks before making up a busy bag with lots of these images, a glue stick and a thin piece of card or a paper plate. Let your little one rip, snip (if they’re confident with scissors), arrange and stick the pictures on the card just as they like.

Jigsaws and puzzles. If your child loves a puzzle, surprise them with a forgotten (or new) puzzle in a busy bag. What you’ll need to do beforehand: For a foodie theme, try making your own puzzle by finding a cool picture of a ‘showstopper’ cake or any other wow picture of food. Stick it onto some thin card, and then, on the back with a pencil, mark it up into however many pieces you’d like the puzzle to have – these can be regular or irregular in size and shape; it’s up to you. Cut along the lines and pop the pieces into a busy bag.

Books: Have a special kitchen book basket which occasionally appears to surprise and catch the attention of your little one. You can change the selection of books often to keep it fresh, but here are a few of our food-themed favourites:

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