COPYRIGHT

Fourth Estate

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

Copyright © Jenny Paschall 1996

Illustrations © Andy Hunt 1996

Jenny Paschall asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

Photoset in Linotron Goudy Old Style by Rowland Phototypesetting Limited

Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks

HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication

Source ISBN: 9780006387138

Ebook Edition © JUNE 2016 ISBN: 9780008192105

Version: 2016-09-27

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

One For The Road

The Eye Of The Beholder

Love And Marriage

Till Death Us Do Part

House Rules

A Close Shave

When In Rome

Eat, Drink – And Be Arrested

Keep Taking The Tablets

Trendy, But Illegal

Blame The Parents

That’s Entertainment

Going Off The Rails

Politicians Know Best

Of Mice And Men

Kangaroo Court – Animals In The Dock

Death Is No Excuse

Daylight Robberies

Publish And Be Damned

Courtroom Capers

Walls Do Not A Prison Make

Sporting Fixtures

In Church

Miscellaneous Misdemeanours

About the Publisher

CHAPTER 1
One For The Road

‘One for the road’ always seemed to be such a friendly farewell, at least before the drink driving laws were enforced. In fact, the phrase has a much more sinister meaning, originating from the days of public hangings. When a condemned prisoner left Newgate Prison on his way to the gibbet, he would be put on a cart which would stop at every pub along the route. Each publican would give the prisoner a free drink – One for the Road. Usually by the time the gibbet and the hangman came into view, the condemned man was far too drunk to care about his fate.

Love-struck drivers beware: the lawmakers have considered you when devising codes for the roads. Drivers in Leighton Buzzard, Bedfordshire, for example, are prohibited from kissing a companion while driving on winding roads – obviously you’re safe to snog as long as the road ahead is straight! In Detroit, Michigan, it is illegal to make love in a car unless it is parked on the couple’s own property, while taxi drivers who have sex in the front seat of their vehicles during their working shifts are breaking the law in Springfield, Massachusetts.

In Bologna, Italy, a special law applies to prostitutes who drive. It states that a prostitute can, ‘drive a car carefully and at the same time lead a scandalous life’.

Bologna isn’t the only city to concern itself with the decency of its drivers. In Athens it is illegal to operate a motor vehicle on public roads if you are ‘poorly dressed’ or ‘un-bathed’. The lawmakers of Pocatello, Idaho, have taken things one step further, issuing a law that reads: ‘It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavourably upon the city’s reputation.’

In Springfield, Ohio, it is unlawful to clean and dust the interior of a car while it is being driven down a city street.

You can always trust an Irishman to come up with a good excuse. One gentleman from Galway failed to show up in court after being caught travelling at seventy-seven m.p.h. down a quiet country road. When tracked down, he claimed that the summons got lost in the wash. While the judge sympathetically agreed that it could happen to anyone, it didn’t stop her finding him guilty.

Englishman Barry Saville went one better when he was taken to court for driving over the limit. He claimed it was the paraffin he used in his stage act as a fire-eater that caused the positive reaction in the breathalyser, not alcohol at all. Magistrates adjourned the case to allow him to recreate his act at a London Hospital and prove his innocence.

Double parking in Minneapolis, Minnesota, could be just the ticket if you are trying to lose weight. The legal punishment is time on a chain gang, being fed only bread and water. Or you could take a walk across the street in Swat, in the Himalayas, where jaywalkers are forced to run along the road until they fall over from exhaustion. But if you’re really desperate, try visiting Hammond, Indiana, where the automatic penalty for littering the street is one good dose of castor oil to be administered by the police department. A punishment sure to get criminals on the run!

Most countries take driving while drunk seriously, but the punishments can vary enormously. In Turkey, a drunk driver can be driven twenty miles outside the town, then forced to walk back to town under the supervision of police officers.

In Switzerland, if you wear glasses, it is mandatory to keep an extra pair in the car at all times. If, however, they are reading glasses, they will be useless in Norman, Oklahoma, where it is illegal to read a comic while driving a car.

When Patricia Wakelin advertised her Ford Fiesta for sale, she ended up with more than she bargained for. A man arrived to see the car, apologising for bringing his grandmother with him. He took the car for a test drive, leaving his Skoda and his granny behind as collateral – and never came back. When the police investigated, they found that the Skoda was stolen, and the lady was from a nearby old people’s home. She thought she was being taken out for a drive by a friendly young gentleman called Dave whom she had never seen before.

Drivers in Pennsylvania had better be well equipped. The law states: ‘Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait ten minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and then continue … Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming towards him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart, piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes.’

If you’re driving through Pleasantville, Iowa, at night, be sure your car is preceded by a man carrying a red lantern or you will be breaking the law.

A New York State Vehicle and Traffic Law makes the following bewildering pronouncement: ‘Two vehicles which are passing each other in opposite directions shall have the right of way.’

An Oklahoma law reads: ‘The driver of any vehicle involved in an accident resulting in death shall immediately stop and give his name and address to the person struck.’

‘Whoever operates an automobile or motorcycle on any public way – laid out under authority of law recklessly or while under the influence of liquor shall be punished,’ states a law in Massachusetts, thereby imposing upon the poor motorist the duty of finding out whether the workers who built the road he intends to use were drunk or careless.

Perhaps the American lawmakers should take a leaf out of the book of the Lebanese and make their road laws a bit more reader-friendly … No harsh words of warning there, the road signs are wonderfully polite. Take this speed restriction, for example: ‘Proceed Most Awfully Slowly – Fifteen Miles to the Hour’. In Tokyo they even provide a translation of the rules of the road for English-speaking drivers. ‘When a passenger of the foot moves into sight,’ states one such translation, ‘tootie the horn trumpet. If he still obstacles your passage, tootie him with vigour and express by word of mouth warning, “Hi!”.’

When a lorry overturned in Hampshire, the local police found a novel way of cooling the heated tempers of the drivers stuck in the ensuing traffic jam. They handed out tubs of ice cream – the overturned lorry was carrying seven tons of the stuff.

Taxi drivers may think they are above the law but they had better not keep their passengers above them in Youngstown, Ohio, where it is illegal for a taxi to carry passengers on the roof.

A taxi driver in Prague who turns the meter rate to level three (three times faster than the legal rate of one) is breaking the law UNLESS the ride is taking place following a nuclear explosion. Then the sazba, or rate, of three is officially sanctioned by the Government.

Road hogs aren’t the only animals to avoid on the highway. In Utah, a local edict allows birds the right of way on all streets. Dogs cannot ride in ambulances in Westport, Massachusetts, however, while in Missouri it is illegal for uncaged bears to ride in a car or be carried in the boot.

‘It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town,’ cautions an ordinance in Tacoma, Washington.

A traffic warden in Southsea, Hampshire, has been awarded a police commendation certificate, normally reserved for officers who have performed acts of bravery. So what did Angela Hallam do to deserve such an award? Had she tackled armed robbers, or saved the life of a drowning man? No, nothing so mundane. She was honoured for issuing 4,071 fixed penalty fines in one year. Local drivers celebrated by parking on yellow lines while the wonder warden was attending the presentation ceremony.

Perhaps they should send her on a long vacation. How about Milwaukee, where a car parked for more than two hours must be securely tied to a horse?

Elephants tied to parking meters in Orlando, Florida, must feed the meter the same parking fee as that required for an automobile. Mrs Silvia Matos could have bought several elephants with the amount of parking meter fines she paid in New York City. Between 1985 and 1988 she received 2,800 parking tickets, resulting in penalties totalling $150,000.

Here’s a statistic for British women drivers to memorise: ninety-two per cent of drivers driving recklessly, causing death or bodily harm, driving while under the influence of alcohol or drugs, breaking speed limits, causing accidents, neglecting signs, directions or pedestrian rights, or driving carelessly, are … male.

Everybody hates a back-seat driver, but in London they can actually be prosecuted, since there is a law stating that drivers must be sitting in the front seat whilst driving.

Adam Greenwood of Burnley, Lancashire, went on a night’s drinking binge and stole a twenty-five-tonne mechanical excavator because he missed the last bus home. Unable to drive the huge vehicle with any semblance of control, he caused over £50,000 worth of damage, destroying a twenty-tonne weigh-bridge, two offices and several trees.

No clever cycling stunts in Denver, Colorado, please! It is illegal to lift your feet higher than the front of the bicycle when riding down this city’s streets.

The first ever speed traps were set up in England in 1902. Police would hide behind hedges with a bicycle and stopwatch, ready to jump out and pursue errant drivers. One of the earliest offenders was Lord Montagu of Beaulieu, who was caught going more than twelve m.p.h.

California’s El Dorado County had a rather peculiar attitude towards speeding. Legislation written in 1907 stated: ‘Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in thirty days, then the driver will be permitted to make what he can.’

Diving and/or fishing from a motor-boat while driving down a city street is illegal in Brewton, Alabama.

A hearse driver was arrested for speeding and dangerous driving in Foligno, Italy. The funeral procession was forced to follow as he sped to the church with the coffin bouncing up and down behind. The undertaker said he wanted to unload the body and get to a football match.

In Memphis, Tennessee, it is forbidden to drive a car while the driver is asleep, while in South Dakota and Oklahoma it illegal to sleep in the middle of the road.

Firemen going to or from a fire on a bicycle in Hiawatha, Kansas, have right of way on the pavement.

Perhaps the most sensible driving ordinance is that enforced in Birmingham, Alabama, where it is illegal to drive a car while blindfolded.

The Malaysians obviously believe that women drive their men to drink, since the innocent wife of a drunk driver faces a jail sentence there.

Suspicious police in Jackson, Mississippi, stopped a car that was being driven erratically and discovered the driver was blind. There was, however, a simple explanation – he was being directed by his friend sitting in the passenger seat who admitted he was too drunk to drive himself.

CHAPTER 2
The Eye Of The Beholder

In some places, just being overweight or ugly is likely to cause a brush with the law. In Tropea, Italy, for instance, women are not allowed to appear nude on a beach if they are ‘fat, ugly, or generally unattractive’. The law specifies that nude sunbathing is permitted only by ‘young women capable of exalting the beauty of the female body’.

The lawmakers of Kentucky have decreed that: ‘No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within the Commonwealth of Kentucky unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club.’ A subsequent amendment states: ‘… the provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than ninety pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds nor shall it apply to female horses.’

Richard Plant, twenty-nine, was charged with indecency by police in Johannesburg. He was arrested by traffic police who found him undressed from the waist down, but he was acquitted after he explained that his girlfriend was sitting on his lap at the time, and was therefore hiding his nudity.

Women in Gurnee, Illinois weighing fourteen stone or more cannot wear shorts when riding a horse.

In Palermo, Italy, it is the men who have to be careful – women can sunbathe nude in public whenever they want, but men are subject to a fine. The law states: ‘The male anatomical conformation can become obscene, even unconsciously.’

Until 1936 it was illegal for men to wear topless bathing suits in New York. In 1934, eight men were fined $1 each for topless bathing at Coney Island! In 1935 there was a mass arrest of forty-two topless male bathers in Atlantic City.

CHAPTER 3
Love And Marriage …

A Greek man cannot promise to marry a girl in order to seduce her. If this happens, the man must compensate the girl for the loss of her virginity.

The well-dressed Roman bride would not want to be seen with anything on her head – except cake! The custom of breaking the wedding cake over the bride’s head was an essential part of the ceremony as, by law, only children born of a bride who took part in this would be eligible in later life to assume high office.

In Seattle, Washington, a female may ride on a bus or train while sitting on a man’s lap if she first places a pillow between herself and the offending lap.

In Kentucky, it is illegal for a man to marry his wife’s grandmother. Any chance of this law being broken in South Dakota is greatly reduced, because there women over fifty cannot go for a walk and initiate a conversation with a married man over twenty.

In Indiana and Ohio it is a felony for a skating teacher to attempt to seduce a female student.

On 21 November, 1988, François Arsonval walked into a Paris police station and gave himself up. He was wanted for theft and bigamy, and finally confessed to marrying no less than 185 women in twelve years. The cases have still not been heard; police are having difficulty tracing all the women. This case would probably have amused Lord Russell of Killowen, a respected Lord Chief Justice of England. When he was asked what was the maximum punishment for bigamy his reply was, ‘Two mothers-in-law’!

Montana legislators have made it a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.

Law-makers in Peace Dale, Rhode Island, have declared it illegal for any female to be given a cigarette by a man. In Corvallis, Oregon, young ladies cannot drink any coffee after six p.m. If a woman is trying to give up cigarettes and coffee, she would do well to avoid visiting Pocatello, Idaho, where it is illegal to look gloomy in public!

But, here’s a law of which feminists would approve. In Cold Spring, Pennsylvania, liquor can only be sold to a married man if his wife has given her written permission. Kentucky women can have even more fun. They are actually encouraged by law to spike their husband’s alcoholic drinks with castor oil to curtail their drinking. Welcome to the Whiskey-a-go-go!

Ohio statutes permit a woman to burn her husband’s old clothing.

In Whitesville, Delaware, they are trying to nip domestic unrest in the bud. In fact, a woman can be arrested for disturbing the peace … by merely proposing marriage to a man! In Dyersburg, Tennessee, it is illegal for a girl even to phone a man for a date.

A matchmaker in Guangzhou Province, China, is on trial for fraud. It seems he convinced a barber to offer his unwilling wife for a scam in which they would sell the woman to a farmer, collect the fee, then immediately retrieve her. The arrangement backfired on nearly all counts. The barber was cheated out of the promised reward and now faces life in prison for selling his wife. The matchmaker also faces life imprisonment. Ironically, the fraudulent matchmaker had been an excellent judge of character. The wife preferred the farmer and refused to return to the barber.

In Baluchistan, Pakistan, a man can legally exchange his sister for a wife. For years a Pennsylvania husband could beat his wife, but not until after ten p.m., and in Alabama it was legal until 1871 for a man to choke his wife – with no time restrictions!

A woman in India can legally marry a goat. Some women may be forgiven for thinking that this is not restricted to India.

In Wichita, Kansas, a husband is allowed to mistreat his mother-in-law.

Men in Portland, Maine, cannot tickle a woman under the chin with a feather duster – no mention is made of other parts of the anatomy.

In Finland no one is allowed to marry until they can read.

… AND SEX

Alaskan police, acting on a tip, raided the hotel room of an Oregon man in which they found cocaine and $10,000 in cash. When asked why he had such a large amount of cash, he said it was given to him by a woman, whose name he had forgotten, as a reward for great sex.

A condom manufacturer decided to call his new range ‘Stealth Condoms’. The Northrop Corporation, builder of the B-2 ‘Stealth Bomber’, filed suit, claiming that people might confuse the two products. They were presumably protecting customers seeking the ultimate big bang!

Dr Alan Maryon Davies was accused of sexual harassment after telling a lady colleague, ‘I’m a bottom man myself’. He explained that there were no sexual undertones to his comment, however: they were on a train and had just passed through a town called Pratt’s Bottom, which had prompted him to make this confession.

Poor Gloria Sykes was hit by a cable car, and sued the San Francisco cable car company. Her claim was a little unusual, however. She was not particularly concerned by the cuts and bruises she suffered – she filed suit claiming that the accident had left her with serious psychological and neurological damage, which caused her to become a nymphomaniac. As a result, she said, she had engaged in sexual relations with over one hundred men. The court awarded her $50,000 damages.

Let’s hope she doesn’t make a trip to Rhode Island, where it was proposed that there should be a two-dollar tax levied on every act of sexual intercourse.

In England it is against the law to kiss in a cinema or to embrace in the street, while in London you cannot make love in trains, buses, parked cars, churchyards, churches or parks.

In Riverside, California, kissing is illegal – unless both parties first wipe their lips with rose water. In Halethorpe, Maryland, you don’t need rose water but a stopwatch to remain on the right side of the law – it is illegal to kiss for more than one second. And just in case you wonder how seriously these laws were treated, in the eighteenth century a sea captain in Boston was sentenced to spend two hours in the stocks for kissing his wife in public on a Sunday after returning from three years at sea.

Still more kissing – in Indiana, anyone who sports a moustache and who ‘habitually kisses human beings’ is breaking the law.

CHAPTER 4
Till Death Us Do Part

Ian Bell, a carpet-fitter from Rotherham, South Yorkshire, claimed in the divorce courts that his wife’s possessiveness was making his life unbearable. He told the court how his wife had made him move house because attractive women lived on the street and forced him into their bedroom whenever neighbours were sunbathing. He also related how he finally lost his temper and threw a plant at her. Bell pleaded guilty to causing his wife actual bodily harm with a rubber plant, but was released after the court was shown photographs of the injuries he sustained from the fight.

The newest problem being dealt with in American divorce courts is custody of the pets. US lawyers are reaping massive fees for dragging domestic animals through America’s courtrooms to decide which party is best for the animal’s interests. The United States Humane Society has warned that the pets may suffer from post-divorce depression. One couple, however, managed to compromise – they decided amicably that neither party was more deserving of custody – so they had their dachshund put down.

Lars Jonsson refused to join his wife in attending a demonstration against domestic violence in Stockholm. His wife, Anne, felt it was only right that she should have her man at her side to show domestic unity – so she tried to convince him to accompany her. Unfortunately, her methods were a little extreme and Lars ended up in hospital with a fractured skull as a result of the beating she gave him.

In Sicily, it was once customary to bite off your spouse’s nose if she was unfaithful.

Sometimes the smallest incident can lead to murder. A Parisian night-watchman, Noel Carriou, broke his wife’s neck because she under-cooked his roast dinner. He served a twelve-year sentence for the crime (possibly the judge shared his passion for good food and felt Monsieur Carriou had some cause for anger). He was released after seven years, and subsequently remarried. Unfortunately wife number two burnt the roast, so Carriou stabbed her. He received an eight-year sentence. Perhaps he should have tried wooing Delia Smith!

Stuart Dingley of Dudley, West Midlands, stabbed his girlfriend to death when she switched off the television during an FA Cup Final replay.

When Mrs Anne Bass, the former wife of a Texas millionaire, was offered a divorce settlement of $535 million, she turned it down. She claimed it was not enough to keep her in the style to which she had become accustomed.

Divorced couples in Vancouver now have the opportunity to remove their exes from their lives forever. Divorce X will remove the image of your former spouse from family photographs and replace it with pleasant scenery. The service costs about $100 per photograph. It is also possible to fill the space with a new lover.

In Saudi Arabia, if a man does not provide his wife with regular amounts of coffee, she can divorce him.

Nina Housden was certainly a cool-headed murderess. She fell asleep in the front seat of her car while it was being repaired in a garage in Toledo – seemingly unconcerned that her husband’s dismembered corpse, wrapped in Christmas paper, was on the back seat. The grisly package was discovered by the mechanic, who called the police. Nina was awoken and arrested.

CHAPTER 5
House Rules

In Rumford, Maine, it is against the law to bite your landlord.

It is illegal for a married couple to live in an abandoned bus in Upton on Severn.

Housewives in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, are banned from hiding dirt and dust under a rug.

Californian housewives must boil their dusters after use. Failure to do so could result in a fine or jail.

In 1937 spring cleaning became compulsory in Hungary. All lofts, garrets and cellars had to be spring cleaned. Fines were imposed on citizens who did not comply.

A law in Baltimore, Maryland, makes it illegal to clean a sink, no matter how dirty or stained it may be.

In Portland, Oregon, you are breaking the law if you shake a feather duster in another person’s face.

Legislators in Nappanee, Indiana, have decreed that washing lines must be less than fifty inches in length, and women must never hang their underwear outside at any time. Scranton, Pennsylvania, doesn’t care how long the line is but if women are hanging their underwear outside to dry, there has to be a fence high enough to screen the undies from neighbours and passers-by. In Los Angeles women can hang their laundry outside openly in the summer, but not at all in winter.

Taking a bath prior to ten p.m. is strictly illegal in Piqua, Ohio; codes in Clinton, Indiana, declare that it is illegal to bathe at any hour during the winter; and in the State of Virginia and Topeka, Kansas, it’s against the law to put a bathtub in a house.

In New York City it is illegal to carry a skeleton into a tenement building.

Clean Air Act? Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a year. The residents of Barre, Vermont, are far more clean living, since they must bathe at least once a week to stay on the right side of the law.

In Kidderminster it is an offence to own a bath without a watertight plug. In Dallas, Texas it is illegal to have a leaking tap.

In Portland, Oregon, its unlawful to bathe without wearing suitable clothing – bathers must be covered from neck to knees.

In Stanford, North Carolina, a man drove to City Hall wearing only a towel, to complain that his water had just been shut off in the middle of his shower. After the city pointed out that his account was overdue and that it had mailed two warnings, the dripping-wet complainant stood in line, paid his bill, and returned home to finish his shower.

Until the nineteenth century, baths in Spain were illegal because they were said to be a heathen abomination.

Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.

Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес».

Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию на ЛитРес.

Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.