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First published in Great Britain by HarperImpulse 2018

Copyright © Lucie Wheeler 2018

Cover design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2018

Cover illustrations © Shutterstock.com

Lucie Wheeler asserts the moral right

to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue record for this book is

available from the British Library

This novel is entirely a work of fiction.

The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are

the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to

actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is

entirely coincidental.

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Souce ISBN: 9780008216566

Ebook Edition © May 2018 ISBN: 9780008216559

Version 2018-02-23

Table of Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Epilogue

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Also by Lucie Wheeler

About HarperImpulse

About the Publisher

Dedication

To all the mums and dads all over the world.

Whether you are a biological parent, step parent, grandparent, adoptive parent, foster parent, surrogate parent, carer, guardian… whatever your capacity is, just remember that you are doing an incredible thing.

Keep sharing the love with children all over the world and remember that it is ok to not know what you are doing, because to your children, you are doing everything they will ever need just by being there and loving them.

You are not alone – remember that.

Prologue

‘Are you for real?’ Nancy exhaled hard in disbelief as she stared open-eyed at her husband.

‘Don’t be like that, Nance; try to see it from my point of view.’

He looked tired, unshaven and pretty much like he had given up on life. Nancy couldn’t blame him; it had been a hard few years for the pair of them – for all of them actually. But she didn’t have the option of giving up, and neither should he.

‘Your point of view? Are you actually saying these words? Can you hear yourself, Pete?’

He slammed down his glass of wine and stomped into the kitchen, leaning his hands on the butler sink edge and dropping his head in shame. Nancy followed closely behind him, not trusting him to finish what he’d started. They were supposed to be having a nice romantic meal tonight. Jack was upstairs in bed (although not asleep because he didn’t really do sleep), the dining table in the living room was set out with a bottle of red wine and candles and Pete had chosen the break between their lentil soup starter and the chicken and chorizo tray bake that was in the oven to tell her he was leaving her.

‘I … I … I don’t understand.’

He stayed facing the sink, not giving her the eye contact she so desperately wanted. ‘It’s too hard.’

‘What is?’

‘Him!’ Pete shouted, as he turned round and gestured his finger to the ceiling, indicating their six-year-old son upstairs.

Nancy felt her stomach turn as she listened to Pete talk about Jack with such frustration. A mix of anger and pain churning round together. She took a deep breath. ‘He’s our son,’ she said, the words barely coming out as a whisper.

Pete threw his hands to his head and covered his eyes, groaning in frustration. Nancy wasn’t sure if it was with her, Jack or himself. Either way, she was heartbroken. ‘I know! I just … I can’t keep doing this. I can’t handle his funny little quirks and his demands and his … you know … his … stupid little things!’

‘Stupid?’ she gasped. ‘Pete, he can’t help it!’

‘There must be a way to make him better.’

‘He’s not ill!’ She was starting to get annoyed now.

‘Well, he’s not right though, is he!’ he challenged, staring her straight in the eyes for the first time since he’d announced his departure from their family.

‘What is wrong with you?’ She creased her face in disbelief. ‘He is your son – how can you be so disrespectful to him?’

‘Nance, listen to me.’ He moved forward and tried to take her hands but she snatched them away. She couldn’t have him touching her. She felt disgusted by the thought of his hands on her right now, and he realised this as she backed away and exhaled, dropping his hands by his side. ‘I just need some space. To get my head around it all.’

Nancy shook her head and walked back into the living room, picking up the bottle of red in the middle of the table and topping up her glass. She gulped a mouthful of the red, fruity liquid. Full Bodied, the label said. It could have said anything, she wasn’t a wine connoisseur. Pete always chose the wine when they bought it as he seemed to know what he was talking about. Before they’d had Jack, they’d gone on a wine tasting retreat in France and learned all about the different types of wine and which grapes created which flavour. Nancy had been more interested in drinking all the tasters, but Pete had taken a real interest in the history of it all and ever since had applied his newfound knowledge to the wines they purchased on a weekly basis, sneakily added into their online basket when they did their shop. Jack didn’t like supermarkets – or anywhere where there were a lot of people close enough to brush past him – so they’d chosen online shopping over the last few years. She let the warm liquid slip down her throat, coating it and making her feel slightly calmer. It was never a good sign to turn to a glass of wine for comfort but right now, she didn’t care. She needed something to give her time to take in what was happening.

She kept having hot flushes as surges of anxiety bolted through her body, and she pulled her long, freshly curled brunette hair up into a messy bun and secured it with a hairband. She’d spent ages earlier getting ready for their little date night. Actually styling her hair rather than leaving it in the messy mum bun that it normally resided in, choosing Pete’s favourite LBD which was maybe a little too dressy for dinner at home but Nancy wanted tonight to be special – a night to remember. Well, she was going to remember it, that was for sure.

Ten minutes later, Pete walked in to join her, holding a second bottle of red. It was only then that she realised she had already finished the bottle on the table. He placed the bottle in front of her, not saying a word, and put the cork screw in, twisting it. Nancy listened to the squeak as he twisted and then pulled the cork free. She watched him smell the cork and gave way to a little smile. It was something he always did. To see if the wine was corked, he would tell her.

‘Here,’ he said, passing her a fresh glass with the new wine in. She took it from him and sipped it straight away. ‘Nancy, I’m sorry,’ he said softly.

She shrugged, not trusting herself to say any words that weren’t fuck you right now. It was as though he could sense her resentment. ‘Please don’t hate me.’

She looked at him. His short dark hair needed a cut and there was stubble on his cheeks. She felt sorry for him. She had been so wrapped up in her own dealings with Jack and his challenges that she’d missed how badly Pete was coping. That’s what tonight was about: time for the two of them, because everything over the last few months had been totally focused on Jack and fighting his corner. Getting the school to understand, filling in forms, speaking to professionals, crying because the professionals didn’t say what they wanted to hear. Listening to Jack cry over seemingly trivial things, apologising on his behalf for pretty much everything, arguing with each other because they had become so frustrated. The only way to get through it was to release everything and unfortunately the ones who had to deal with the worst of those releases were normally those who were closest to you. It was all coming into perspective now. The last few months, probably even years, had been a roller-coaster of one stressful event after another and Nancy had used all her energy to make sure she kept fighting and that Jack was OK. She hadn’t once stopped to think how Pete was coping.

Which was probably why he was leaving her now.

‘It’s not you,’ he said, as if he was reading her mind. ‘It’s me.’

She laughed. ‘That is the lamest break up line you could have used. Could you not be more original?’ The laugh faded on her lips as quickly as it had arrived. She dropped her gaze again, unable to keep the eye contact. She felt betrayed, destroyed. After all these years, how could he be leaving her?

‘It’s true though, Nance. It really isn’t you. I love you—’

‘Love me?’ she said, before she realised what was coming out of her mouth. ‘Don’t insult me by telling me you love me. Love is supporting someone when times are tough, being there for them no matter what and making sure that as long as you have each other, nothing else matters.’ The emotion caught unexpectedly in her throat and she hiccupped. She swallowed it down, taking a deep breath. ‘I stuck by you when you were made redundant all those years ago and spiralled into depression. You were just a shell. You didn’t talk, you didn’t work, you just shut off into yourself and pushed me and Jack out.’ He noticeably flinched as she recalled the memory. ‘But did I leave you then? No! I stuck by you and supported you. That,’ she jabbed her finger towards him, ‘is love. You can’t love me if you’re willing to walk out on us.’

‘I do! Look you don’t have to believe me but it’s true. I just need time. I can’t handle everything right now, it’s just constant. There’s no break.’

‘And you expect me to cope with the constant by myself? You’re actually going to swan off and leave me to deal with the meltdowns and the tears and the kicking and screaming by myself?’ She was hoping that by highlighting all this he would realise what he was doing and come to his senses. That he would say Shit, yeah, you’re right. I can’t leave you, I’m sorry, I’ll stay.

But he didn’t.

‘I’m sorry.’

She watched him finish his glass and then stand, pushing his chair slowly back underneath the table. ‘I’ll be at my mum’s. I’ll come and get my stuff tomorrow when Jack’s at school.’

‘You’re not even going to speak to him? Pete, he can’t just have this massive change in his life, he won’t cope, you know he won’t!’ The panic was starting to seep in now. He was actually going.

‘He’ll be fine.’

‘No, he won’t!’ she shouted, slamming her hand on the table, the tears forming rapidly in her eyes, threatening to spill over and flood her cheeks.

‘Don’t shout, Nance,’ Pete said, his brow knitted together with concern.

‘Don’t go then,’ she whimpered, her eyes betraying her wishes for the tears to stay put.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said yet again and she was sure she heard a quiver in his voice. He had the decency to look ashamed as he picked up his phone and walked to the front door.

Nancy jumped up and followed him, reaching out for his arm and gripping it tight. ‘Please, don’t do this.’

He paused and turned to her, gazing into her eyes. She instantly felt the familiar warmth that was the love they had. It had been suppressed recently because of everything going on but this surge right now was enough to make her realise that she really didn’t want him to go. She loved him so much. ‘Please,’ she squeaked.

He took her cheek in his hand and rubbed his thumb down it, wiping the moisture. ‘I have to do this,’ he whispered, and before she had a chance to reply, he turned and walked out the door, closing it behind him.

Nancy turned and leaned against the wooden frame, sliding down until her bottom reached the floor. It was only then that she let the tears flow without any restrictions.

He was gone – and she truly believed that he would never come back.

Chapter 1

Twelve months later…

‘Grab your passport, we’re going on holiday!’

Nancy watched Harriet stroll into her house, and waltz straight into the kitchen, flicking the kettle on. She closed the door, a confused frown creeping across her face, and followed her friend.

‘I’m sorry, what?’ she said, sitting down on the breakfast bar stool and allowing her friend free rein to make the coffee as she always did. Harriet classed Nancy’s house as her own and seemed to feel completely at ease whenever she was there. They had been friends for so long, they were more like sisters.

‘You and Jack, me, Isla and Tommy – we’re going on holiday.’ Harriet rubbed her hands together and set about searching for some more coffee as the pot was empty. Her shoulder-length light brown hair was always immaculate, styled straight with subtle blonde streaks throughout and hardly ever up in the mum bun that Nancy regularly sported.

‘In the top left,’ Nancy pointed, guiding Harriet to the correct cupboard. ‘I’m sorry but I just don’t understand. Where are we going? How long for? When?’ Nancy laughed as the situation started to settle in her mind.

Harriet plonked the coffee granules jar on the side and walked over to where Nancy was sitting. Leaning on her forearms, she exhaled. ‘I know this sounds a bit crazy and last minute and totally not like me…’

‘You can say that again.’

‘…but you need a holiday and I could do with a break and I’ve found this lovely hotel in Ibiza which is perfect for us and they have a kids’ club and loads of restaurants and cocktail bars…’ Harriet nudged Nancy at the mention of cocktails as if that would sway her, but actually, it was the mention of the kids’ club that turned her stomach. Jack would never go to a kids’ club, not in a million years.

‘I don’t know…’

‘Wait, I’ve not even told you the best bit. You don’t have to pay for a penny.’ Nancy looked confused. ‘It’s on me. All of it. Just please say you’ll come?’

‘So let me get this straight.’ Harriet stood back to listen to Nancy. ‘You – Mrs Work-a-holic – have decided to take us all on an impromptu holiday to Ibiza. You are paying for the whole thing and all I have to do is pack our bags and leave?’

‘Got it in one, babe.’ Harriet winked and resumed her stance back at the worktop to make the coffees, her long legs straddling the washing basket positioned in front of the machine where it pretty much stayed constantly.

‘What about work?’ Nancy felt uneasy – this was totally out of character for her friend.

‘They can cope without me.’ Harriet brushed off the comment but then paused and turned to look at Nancy as she placed down the coffee, raising her eyebrows. ‘What?’

‘They can cope without me,’ she mimicked. ‘Come on, Hari, I have known you for about twenty-two years and that crappy line is not going to cut it with me.’ She raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms.

‘Babe, I don’t care if you believe me or not, fact is, I’m offering you a holiday – do you want it or not?’

‘I don’t know. It’s a bit short notice and I can’t just uproot Jack like that. He needs warnings and notice and…’ she noticed Harriet’s raised eyebrow. ‘What?’

‘You’re making excuses.’

‘I’m not! You know what Jack is like.’

‘Nance, you need this.’

‘Why? I’m fine.’ Harriet made a pfft noise. ‘What?’

‘You are not fine. Don’t think I don’t know what today is.’ Nancy didn’t think she’d remember. Why would she? After all, it was Nancy’s husband that had walked out on her exactly a year ago, not Harriet’s. That was a whole other story.

‘I am fine,’ she insisted, blowing her coffee after she had tried sipping it and burnt her top lip. She licked away the smarting on her lip and placed the cup back down.

‘Well, that may be the case, but I think you deserve a holiday after the year you’ve had, and Jack will be fine. We will get through this and he will have a great time. I promise.’

‘You can’t make that promise, Hari.’

‘I can and I will.’ She poked her tongue out, slid the biscuit jar across the counter and spun the lid off, fingering her way to the bottom to reach the bourbon.

‘Hari, be serious for a second though. Think about it, you know Jack; he’s not the easiest child to spring surprises on. I don’t know how he will cope with this – it’s not just a small change in routine.’

‘Babe, I get that. But you need to start thinking of yourself too. You need some down time. This last year has been—’ she paused, to think of the right word ‘—challenging for you – in more ways than one. I have spent the last twelve months watching my best friend slowly lose the plot—’

‘Thanks,’ Nancy laughed, although the comment did sting a bit.

‘Am I wrong?’

‘I thought I was doing a pretty good job of holding it together to be honest.’

‘Hon, you have done a great job. Don’t take it the wrong way. What I mean is that you’ve had a lot on your plate and it has been a bloody hard year. I just wanted to mark this one-year milestone with something positive and exciting.’ She smiled. ‘I want this date to have positive connotations, that’s all.’

Nancy felt her chest constrict with emotion. Harriet did remember, and that small token of friendship and kindness was exactly why Nancy had been drawn to Harriet all those years ago when they’d been ten years old and Nancy had just moved to the area. Her first day at a new school had been so incredibly daunting, and then Harriet had walked up to Nancy and said: ‘Come and sit next to me, I need a partner for science week and if you are mine then I won’t get put with Jenny. I only have one rule; you have to work hard because I’m not sacrificing my mark again this year…’ And they had stayed best friends ever since.

Harriet’s work ethic had only increased the older she’d got – thankfully Nancy didn’t have to work with her on a regular basis, otherwise their friendship might have been tested.

‘I won’t take no for an answer,’ Harriet pressed. ‘If you’re thinking of turning this offer down and spending the next year wallowing then I’m sorry but we can no longer be friends.’ She shrugged and cupped both hands around her mug again.

Nancy laughed. One of the things that made her love Harriet was her directness. She always knew where she stood with her. ‘OK, I’m not buying the stories that are coming out of your mouth but equally, I agree a holiday will be good for us all, so why not? How long have I got?’

‘We leave the day after tomorrow.’

Nancy choked on her mouthful of coffee and placed the cup back down. ‘Are you serious?’

‘100 per cent, why hang around when there’s sun, sea and cocktails to be had?’

‘You realise we have children, this isn’t a piss up holiday.’

‘I know that – but I have chosen a hotel in a really family friendly part. And there is the kids’ club so we just pop them in there and get cocktail time too! Best of both worlds.’

‘Sounding like mother of the year over there, Hari.’ Harriet poked out her tongue and sipped her coffee. ‘But I will pay my share – you can’t pay for everything.’

‘Babe, with all due respect, can you afford this holiday?’

‘Well, I can shift some things around and … um…’

Harriet held up her hand and stopped Nancy. ‘That wasn’t a dig, but honey, you are a single parent who works minimal hours and I know you don’t have expendable money to just swan off on holiday at the drop of a hat. Which is why I’ve sorted it. And before you say anything, I don’t want any money for it – call it an early birthday present, or maybe your Christmas present for the next ten years.’ She laughed and pulled her phone out of her bag as it pinged an incoming email.

‘I can pay you back in instalments. Hari, I can’t just have you pay for a holiday – you’re not my mum.’ The feeling of her doing that didn’t sit right for Nancy.

‘No, but I am your friend and I can afford this. Let me do this for you.’

Nancy exhaled. ‘How can you afford it though? I know you have a good job, but this isn’t just a weekend in a caravan.’

‘You know that contract I was working on since like forever? Well, it came through so I gave myself a little bonus. Figured I would take this moment to take a little break away because I have a new tender going through and if we get this, I am going to be flat out at work for the next eighteen months. So, it’s now or never.’

Nancy couldn’t argue with that. ‘Fine, but I’m paying for the taxi to the airport and any drinks or food we have at the airport.’

‘Deal. Mine’s a prosecco and a sushi meal.’

Nancy laughed. ‘I don’t know how you run your own business with two kids. I feel like half the time I can’t even get the washing and housework done on time, let alone put together contracts and marketing portfolios and all the other zillion things you do.’

‘You could totally do it, stop putting yourself down.’ Harriet dipped into the jar for another biscuit.

‘I actually don’t think I could. I don’t have the businesswoman persona that you have. I would crumble under the pressure.’

‘Oh shush! Although I would get more done if I didn’t have a child who was as stubborn as hell.’

‘I wonder where she gets that from,’ Nancy said under her breath with a smile.

‘What’s that?’ Harriet questioned, clearly having heard exactly what Nancy had said.

‘I said, are the kids OK?’ She poked out her tongue.

‘Yeah I’m sure you did. They’re fine. How’s Jack doing?’

Nancy’s stomach dropped a little. ‘He’s doing alright, could be better.’

‘School?’

Nancy nodded. ‘He’s just not fitting in. I can’t help but worry that this school isn’t right for him. It breaks my heart every morning when I take him in and he cries because he doesn’t want to be there. I walked past at playtime the other day and he was playing by himself.’

‘Did you ask him about it?’

‘Yeah, he said he likes to be by himself.’

‘Well there you go – as long as he’s not sad about it.’

Nancy exhaled. ‘That’s the thing though; he doesn’t really get the emotions so I’m worried that he doesn’t understand how he’s feeling.’

‘But if he doesn’t feel sad, and he’s OK, surely that’s all you want?’

Nancy nodded. ‘I guess so. He’s apparently not the same in the classroom though, seems to be constantly agitated and emotional, the teacher tells me. I’m going to go in again after the holidays and ask for an update meeting – they need to reassess his plan and see what needs changing. It can’t stay like this.’

‘Chin up, things will be OK. And now you have a holiday to look forward to.’

The doorbell rang and as Nancy stood, she said, ‘I won’t have the chance to look forward to it; it’s the day after tomorrow!’

‘Look, we have to go now because the kids only get two weeks off for Easter so we need to make the most of it.’

Nancy walked to the front door laughing. A holiday seemed like just what she needed right now. Maybe it would be the perfect antidote for her stress? At least she was eating properly again and sleeping a little better. She opened the door half expecting the postman to be there, but instead got the shock of her life.

‘Hi Nance, can we talk?’

Chapter 2

Nancy stared back at Pete, frozen to the spot half in surprise and half in frustration that he had chosen this moment to turn up on her doorstep when she’d been trying to get him to come and see Jack for the past year.

‘What do you want, Pete?’

‘Aren’t you going to invite me in?’ He brushed his hand through his dark brown hair, which had grown longer over the past year than she had ever seen it, and leaned on the doorframe, seemingly trying to look more relaxed than he was feeling.

‘Can’t say that I particularly want to,’ she said, but then caught sight of her neighbour in her front garden pretending to be doing some weeding when really she was ear wigging. ‘You’ve got ten minutes.’

The atmosphere between the two of them was tense and things only worsened when Pete walked into the kitchen and was faced with Harriet.

‘What in God’s name are you doing here?’ she scowled, putting her hands onto her hips and frowning at him.

‘Nice to see you too, Harriet.’ Pete forced a strained smile across his face.

‘I didn’t say it was nice to see you. In fact, I feel quite the opposite.’

‘Hari, it’s fine.’ Nancy manoeuvred around her friend and placed a brief hand onto her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze as she grabbed her cup off the side.

‘It’s bloody well not fine. He thinks he can just walk out on you and Jack and disappear for months on end, ignoring your calls and then swan up on your doorstep like nothing’s happened? I don’t bloody think so.’ She glared at him.

‘Last time I checked, this wasn’t your house or your business, Harriet!’

Harriet marched towards Pete at speed and Nancy quickly put her mug down and stepped into Harriet’s path just as she reached him. ‘And last time I checked, Pete,’ she spat his name viciously, ‘you don’t just abandon your wife and your child the second shit gets hard in life.’

‘OK, OK, enough you two.’ Nancy placed her hand onto Harriet’s shoulder. ‘Let me talk to him and see what the deal is. I’ll call you later and we can talk about the holiday, OK?’

‘Nance, don’t let him wheedle his way—’

‘Hari, I’m fine … honestly.’

Harriet glared at Pete before grabbing her bag and walking out of the kitchen towards the front door.

‘And as for you,’ Nancy pointed at Pete, her expression dropping into a serious tone, ‘don’t you dare think for one second that it is OK to walk into my house and be rude to my friends.’

‘Nancy, this was our house.’

‘Exactly, Pete, this was our house – and then you left.’

They both stood for a second staring at each other and then as her words sank in, Pete admitted defeat and nodded.

Ten minutes later, Nancy had made Pete a coffee and refreshed her own mug and the pair were seated at the table clasping their mugs, neither one making moves to speak. Eventually, Nancy said, ‘So are you going to tell me why you’ve suddenly turned up here after a year of silence or am I supposed to just ignore that part?’ Her anxious heartbeat had still not recovered from the moment she’d opened the door to him.

He exhaled but didn’t shift his glance from the mug of brown liquid in front of him. ‘It’s complicated.’

‘Too damn right, it’s complicated, Pete, because I’m struggling to understand why you would leave us. I tried my best to make everything work, even when things got really tough with Jack but clearly it wasn’t good enough – maybe I wasn’t good enough.’ She looked down at her hands as she spoke, saying the words that she had been thinking for months now.

This time he looked up, sadness etched on his face. ‘Nancy, no! It wasn’t you – you were the best wife.’

‘I can’t have been that good otherwise you wouldn’t have left. No matter how hard life gets, when you have someone you love by your side, you get through it. But you just left. I obviously didn’t do a very good job at being a supportive wife.’

This time he didn’t respond, instead choosing to drop his gaze back down into the mug. Nancy didn’t probe any further because she didn’t want to hear that she was right – even though she knew she was. After a minute, he spoke again. It was barely audible but was still loud enough for Nancy to hear perfectly. ‘It was too hard.’

‘Life is hard.’ She felt her exterior harden slightly. The ‘it’s hard’ line wasn’t going to wash with her. She was too far into protection mode now, especially as she’d had to deal with the last year on her own.

‘It’s easy for you.’

‘How is it easy for me? He’s my son too, I feel how hard it is too, you know!’

‘Yes but you know how to deal with him – with it.’

‘You’re talking about him like he has a disease – he’s not sick, he’s autistic!’ Rage was beginning to boil in her chest. She was sick to death of people treating Jack like there was something wrong with him, like he didn’t belong on this planet and should be hidden away.

Pete flinched noticeably when Nancy said autistic and this made her even angrier.

‘What is it you’re even here for Pete? Because it clearly isn’t to apologise.’

‘I am sorry, of course I am. Do you really think that I wanted to leave? That under normal circumstances I would have chosen to leave my wife and son?’

‘So, why did you?? What was so bad that you felt the only way to deal with this was to leave? That you didn’t have any other option in this whole world other than to walk out and leave your son without his daddy and your wife without her husband?’

His head was facing the table in shame but his feeling sorry for himself stance only fuelled her anger. ‘I had to deal with months and months of him asking me where his daddy was. Do you know what that was like? Do you even have the capacity to understand how heartbreakingly painful it was to watch him have meltdown after meltdown because Mummy couldn’t tell him where Daddy was?’ He was still looking at the table. ‘I have had to not only be Mummy, but Daddy too. I am trying to work to support us because you weren’t answering my calls. But then when Jack has a bad day at school and I have to go and pick him up, I can’t work. But do I have that choice? No! And when Jack has a bad night and won’t sleep – because he still doesn’t sleep, you know, in case you’re wondering – I still have to work having had an hour’s sleep and having been punched and slapped and kicked all over because he is anxious but can’t tell me why.’

Pete shook his head in despair.

‘Or when I have to have a cereal bar for dinner because there’s only enough pasta for Jack but a trip to the shop is out of the question because I haven’t pre-warned him and the sudden change in routine would warrant another meltdown. Do you know how hard it is to be a single parent, let alone a single parent to a child who is struggling like Jack?’ She waited, watching his pathetic response as he shrugged. ‘DO YOU?’ His head snapped up in surprise.

‘Sweetheart, come on, don’t shout.’

‘What did you expect, Pete? That I would open the door and see your face and be happy to see you? That I would welcome you back with open arms and tell you how much I’ve missed you and how happy I am that you’re back in our lives – not to worry about the last year? Is that what you thought would happen?’ she pressed.

‘Well no, but…’ he trailed off, obviously seeing his error in judgement.

‘Pete, you walked out on your family when times got tough. I needed you and you weren’t there.’ Her voice was gentler but the tone still firm.

‘You don’t know what it was like for me. You completely understood everything the doctor was saying and seemed to know what you were doing.’

‘Are you kidding me?’ she exhaled in disbelief. ‘I didn’t have a clue what was going on! I don’t think anybody ever does when they get an autistic diagnosis. I had the same thoughts and questions going round in my mind as you did.’

‘But you were nodding and smiling and sounded like you knew exactly what the doctor was saying to you – you were asking questions about what to do around the house and how we could make life easier for him and—’

‘So because I opened my mouth and asked the questions that were inside my head instead of shutting off and refusing to acknowledge that our son needed help, I’m now a pro at it all?’

‘Well no, but it sounded like you were fine with it.’

‘We had no choice but to be fine with it – he’s our son no matter what. You should’ve felt the same.’ Her voice trailed off as unexpected emotion caught the back of her throat.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘It was just too hard.’

‘So, you’re just giving up on him?’ She asked the question but wasn’t sure she was ready for the answer.

‘I’m here, aren’t I?’

‘So this is you trying, is it?’

He nodded and then sipped his coffee.

‘Well, I suppose late is better than never.’ He seemed to perk up. ‘But don’t think you can just swan back in here like nothing happened. It took Jack a long time to change his routine; he’s used to you not being here now. I’m not even sure he will be OK with seeing you.’

‘What do you mean, “OK with seeing me” – I’m his dad!’

‘His dad who left him!’

‘Fine,’ he conceded, realising he didn’t have a leg to stand on.

‘We’ll have to come to an arrangement, sort out a plan as to how we’re going to reintroduce you into his everyday life.’ As much as she hated him for leaving, Nancy couldn’t ignore the fact that this was potentially the moment that Jack got his dad back. No matter how much she might be angry at Pete, she wouldn’t be the one to stop Jack seeing his dad.

‘OK,’ he grunted, acting like a teenager who had just been told they could have twenty quid if they washed the car first.

‘But we can’t do anything right now; we can sort it out once we get back from our holiday.’

‘Holiday? Since when are you going away on holiday?’

‘Since my shitty husband walked out on me, and my son and I have had to tear myself into twenty-five gazillion pieces just to make ends meet – I think we have earned a little break away in the sun, don’t you?’ She glared at him, daring him to argue. ‘Exactly.’ She stood and cleared away the mugs, taking his before he had a chance to finish the last mouthful. ‘So, if you don’t mind, I have some packing to do.’ She indicated towards the front door with her head.

Pete stood up and marched towards the door. ‘Oh, and this time,’ Nancy began, and Pete turned around looking hopeful. ‘When I call you – answer the bloody phone!’

She watched him exhale in frustration as he exited their family home, the home he’d decided to abandon. Pushing the door shut behind him, she returned to the kitchen and began loading the dishwasher. It felt strange seeing Pete after all that time. Her reaction had not been what she’d expected – emotionally or physically. She’d spent the last year believing that when – if – he walked back through that door, she would be overjoyed to see him. She would wrap her arms around him and thank him for returning to them, for making their family complete again. Instead, she felt an overwhelming feeling of anger and betrayal. Instead of begging him to come back, she had been blunt, stern and regimented in her responses to him. All the memories of the struggles over the last year had catapulted into the forefront of her mind. She wasn’t falling apart emotionally without him and after seeing him today, she actually felt that little bit stronger knowing that she had coped. He hadn’t been there and she had managed. A small part of her felt sad for the loss of respect for her husband, but she needed to suppress that and focus on making the right changes, for Jack. If Pete wanted to be in their lives, that was fine. But there was no way she was letting him back into her head. The consequences of letting that happen were too difficult to think about.

Chapter 3

Harriet made her way upstairs to see how far Isla had got with her packing. This really went against the grain with her as she was quite the control freak when it came to packing bags and getting organised – it was the businesswoman in her. However, when she had told Isla they were going on holiday, her little girl had insisted on packing her own bag. How hard could it be, Harriet thought to herself.

As she walked into Isla’s bedroom she was faced with piles and piles of clothes strewn about the room with just a small pile on top of the suitcase she had placed on Isla’s bed. Yet her daughter was nowhere to be seen.

‘Isla?’ Harriet called out, scanning the room in a bit of a panic.

‘Yeah?’ came the reply.

‘Where are you?’ Harriet slowly edged further into the room.

‘I’m here!’ Isla shouted, suddenly appearing from a pile of clothes in the corner of the room.

Harriet jumped, unable to control the small shriek that spilt out of her mouth as she threw her hand up to her chest, feeling her heartbeat race. Now that Harriet looked closer, she could see that Isla had built some sort of house with her clothes and duvet.

‘What are you doing?’

‘I built a den! Look, here’s the door, here’s the window and here are the flowers in the garden.’ She jumped around the mound of materials as she gave Harriet the grand tour. ‘Come inside!’ she squeaked.

Harriet was already shaking her head. ‘No, not right now. Mummy’s busy. I thought you were packing?’ Her phone beeped and Harriet took it out of her pocket, reading the email from work as Isla began to whine about wanting her to come inside the den. She exhaled in frustration as she read the email, asking her to a meeting in Ireland next month. Another hassle to organise childcare and have her mum tell her what a failure she was as a mother because she worked instead of staying at home with her two children. She flagged the email so that she could reply once Isla was in bed and she could concentrate better. She looked back at her five-year-old who was expectantly waiting for an answer to whatever question she had just asked her mum.

‘Sorry Isla, what were you saying?’

‘Urgh! Always have to say it again,’ she said, each word spoken with each step she took towards the den. ‘I said, can we have five minutes in the den and then you can work?’

Harriet looked at her watch. She should really be getting the packing finished so that she could reply to her emails tonight before they set off tomorrow first thing. And as much as she wanted to spend time with Isla, these things were not going to get done by themselves. The joys of single parenting. She began to say no but then thought against it. All the parenting books and sites talked about making time for your children even if you were busy – although how practical these things were, Harriet didn’t know. She nodded and walked towards the den just as her phone began to ring. Isla groaned and threw her hands up into the air as Harriet took the phone back out of her pocket.

‘Hello, is that Mrs Fisher, Tommy’s mum?’

‘Oh no!’ Harriet replied and instantly felt her heart sink. ‘I’m so sorry, I’m on my way.’

‘Thank you,’ the nursery assistant replied abruptly and ended the call.

‘Isla, we need to go and pick up your brother.’

Isla found this incredibly unfair and sat on the bed, crossing her arms and huffing.

‘What are you doing? Come on!’ Harriet turned to walk out of the bedroom, so angry at herself for forgetting to pick up Tommy again. She always had so much to do that she seemed to run out of time before she realised. She looked over her shoulder as she reached the top of the stairs only to see Isla sitting back on her floor, getting a puzzle out of its box. She turned on her feet and stormed back into the room. ‘Isla! It’s time to go, come on.’

‘No! I don’t want to – Tommy is stinky and he always cries.’

‘Oh for goodness’ sake, stop being silly and come on.’ She put her hands on her hips to show she meant business but Isla was very much her mini me and had every ounce of Harriet’s stubbornness. She stayed sitting on the carpet, staring back defiantly.

‘Isla…’ Harriet warned and did her best mum look.

‘I don’t want to though,’ Isla groaned, standing up slowly.

‘It won’t take long.’ She turned and walked back to the stairs and again, looked over her shoulder. Isla had stood up but was now just standing still in the middle of her room staring at Harriet. ‘What now?’ she said impatiently, feeling sorry for Tommy sitting and waiting at nursery for her.

‘Can I have a biscuit?’

That girl knew her far too well. ‘Fine! Get a biscuit on the way out – now come on, let’s go!’ Harriet rushed down the stairs and could hear Isla skipping behind her saying, biscuit biscuit biscuit…

As a single parent Harriet knew to pick her battles – and this wasn’t one of them.

Chapter 4

‘OK spill, what did he say?’ Harriet placed the coffees onto the table in front of Nancy and sat down opposite her, expectantly. Nancy shuffled in her seat, very aware that Jack didn’t look too comfortable at the airport. She had sent Harriet a text yesterday and said she would explain all about Pete’s visit today; she knew Harriet wouldn’t just be content with a condensed version.

‘He apologised and said that he wants to be a part of Jack’s life.’

Harriet guffawed and sipped her coffee. ‘You aren’t seriously falling for that tosh, are you?’

Nancy laughed. ‘Tosh? Did you actually say tosh? Who says that?’

‘Oh, be quiet, just tell me that you’re not falling for it?’

Nancy shrugged and sipped her coffee.

‘Nance!’ Harriet picked up her napkin and threw it at her. ‘Come on girl, sort it out.’

‘Hari, it’s not that simple. He’s Jack’s dad – I can hardly tell him to piss off, can I? What about Jack?’ She looked over to her blonde-haired boy and felt the weight of anxiety drop into the pit of her stomach. ‘It’s not his fault his dad is an idiot but if Pete is going to try and make things right, surely Jack deserves to have his dad around?’

‘Babe I get that, honestly I do, but he’s hardly shown the best intentions over the last year, has he? It wasn’t like he was dad of the year even before he walked out.’

Nancy stayed quiet, not wanting to delve into the mess that was her marriage. But it seemed Harriet had other ideas.

‘What about the time that he left you waiting at that restaurant because he decided to go to the game with his mates and not tell you? Or the time he cancelled your weekend away because tickets came up for the F1? Or the time you slaved over a romantic dinner for him on your anniversary and he rolled in from the pub at 11 p.m. with a kebab?’

‘Alright, Hari, jeez!’ Nancy sipped her coffee again. ‘What is this, let’s highlight how shit Pete has been as a husband over the last few years? Don’t you think I know all this?’ It was a sore subject and Harriet knew that. But she was also the kind of friend who was completely honest with Nancy. However, hearing her list these things raised the question in Nancy’s mind of whether had been going wrong in her marriage even before Jack’s diagnosis.

‘Look, I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to bring the mood down. I just don’t want to see you and Jack get messed around and quite frankly, you have been so much happier over the last few months since things started getting back on track, I don’t want you to spiral back down into the person you were when he was making your life a misery.’

‘My life wasn’t a misery,’ Nancy replied defensively, but then took in the no-bullshit look on Harriet’s face. ‘OK, well I was unhappy towards the end but my whole life wasn’t a misery.’

‘Mummy? Can I get a magazine?’ Isla was pulling on Harriet’s cardigan.

‘In a minute darling, let Mummy just finish her coffee.’

‘And a chocolate bar?’

‘In a minute.’

‘And a teddy bear?’

Nancy laughed. ‘You can tell Isla’s in holiday mode already.’ She turned to Jack. ‘Would you like a magazine, Jack?’

He shook his head but didn’t look up from the iPad.

‘How about a chocolate treat?’

‘It’s not after dinner time,’ he mumbled, still not looking up.

‘That’s OK, we’re going on holiday mate; you can have a treat.’ Harriet stood up and fished for her purse in her bag. Jack didn’t answer.

‘Jack?’ Nancy pressed but he just frantically shook his head. ‘OK, it’s fine. You don’t have to.’ Nancy looked to Harriet and shook her head.

‘Shall I get him something else?’

‘No, its fine. He’s brought stuff with him; he probably just doesn’t want any change in what he prepared for. But thanks.’

Harriet smiled and walked off over to the shop to purchase the products for Isla who was skipping along behind her excitedly. Tommy was still asleep in his pram, so Nancy focused her attention back onto her son who was still glued to his iPad.

‘Are you excited about the holiday, Jack?’

He shrugged.

‘There’ll be a pool.’

‘I don’t like water.’

‘I know you don’t sweetheart, but it doesn’t have to go over your head, you can just paddle in it or do some swimming.’

‘I don’t want to.’

‘OK that’s fine; you don’t have to go in if you don’t want to. There’s a beach there too – we can build some sandcastles and you can go in the sea.’

‘I don’t like sea.’

Nancy started to wonder whether she had made the right choice in agreeing to this holiday. Jack hadn’t jumped up and down and squealed excitedly when she’d told him like most seven-year-olds would at the prospect of a week away in the sun. Instead, he had asked her a million questions and not slept much all night because of the anticipation of today. She’d spent two hours just going through all the different scenarios she could think of and how she would overcome them should she need to. Jack was obviously feeling anxious today because he was more quiet than usual and had closed off with his iPad and headphones all morning. He didn’t want any photos taken – she couldn’t feed her Instagram habit today – and he wasn’t interested in engaging in any conversations with anyone.

Nancy exhaled and picked up her coffee. It was going to be a long week.

Chapter 5

‘Oh my God, will you just look at this place!’ Harriet strolled into the foyer and stopped still in the centre of the room, glancing around 360 degrees. ‘It looks so much better than in the pictures, Nance!’ She looked at her friend who was standing open-mouthed, looking around like a kid who had just walked into Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory for the first time. The gentle cream softness of the décor made the room instantly inviting. A warm glow from the designer lightshades that hung above them lit the room just enough to feel cosy but was totally unnecessary as it was still daytime and the blistering heat was beaming beautifully outside. The foyer was spacious with huge marble pillars dotted around creating a sense of grandeur. As Harriet approached the reception desk she was greeted with cheery smiles and gentle voices.

‘Good afternoon, how may I help you?’

‘I have a booking under Harriet Fisher.’ She glanced over her shoulder to see Nancy still looking around in awe and the children looking bored and grumpy. Tommy was strapped into his chair and was moaning about the fact that he couldn’t get out, bucking his body as though he was in a bucking bronco tournament. Isla was wandering around one of the marble pillars, one hand placed onto the cold surface singing a song to herself and going round and round and round … and Jack was sitting cross-legged on the floor, his head stuck in his iPad still.

‘Yes, here we go. You have adjoining rooms 235 and 236, with 236 occupying a balcony. Here are your key cards and the lifts are to your right. Just sign here please.’ Harriet did as she was asked. ‘Is there anything I can get for you?’

Harriet took the envelopes and shook her head. ‘No thanks, I think we’re all good.’ She practically skipped back to Nancy and the children.

‘Harriet this place is incredible – when you said you were taking us on holiday, I didn’t envisage such a … well, such indulgence!’

‘Only the best for my girl.’ Harriet winked and blew a kiss and then picked up her bags. ‘Come on, let’s get unpacked so we can eat, I’m starving!’

***

As Nancy walked into her adjoining room leaving the others still exploring Harriet’s room, she couldn’t help but feel the emotion catch in her throat a little. This place was truly magical and definitely something that she needed in her life right now after the horrendous year she had had. But equally, she felt sad because being here as a single parent just reminded her where she was currently at in her life right now. After years of building up her family unit, it had all been taken away from her – against her will – and now she felt more confused than ever. This holiday was definitely going to be the break she needed to refocus and decide what she was going to do. Hopefully, being away from Pete and home would help to put everything into perspective.

Nancy walked over to the balcony and slid the door open, stepping out onto the concrete and taking in the view around her. It was truly stunning. The pool below them was heaving with families; children laughing and screaming as they played their imaginary games and splashed around in the pool – which was in the shape of a dolphin. There was the faint tune of local music playing within the complex and if you looked beyond the horizon, you could see the picturesque view of the sea, deep blue and glistening.

Before she came out here she kept telling herself that she needed to do it, needed to listen to her body – and her friend – and take some time out. But she just couldn’t shake off the anxiety of bringing Jack here. She and Pete hadn’t taken Jack away very much because of an early bad experience when Jack was a toddler. He was struggling with what they now knew was a fear of his ears being touched, and he’d had a huge meltdown which resulted in Nancy and Pete having a blazing row. The rest of the holiday was tainted with the harsh comments both of them had made in the heat of the moment. Since then, they had shied away from holidaying anywhere where there were people or potential triggers. This had been a cause of pressure in their marriage because it had been Nancy’s choice to reduce the holidaying and subsequently, they spent their down time locked away in barns and cabins in the middle of nowhere. Pete missed the holidays they took before Jack was born and Nancy resented the fact that Pete didn’t understand that she was the one who always had to deescalate the meltdowns when Jack had them, so normal holidays were just a stress for her.

But being here was the right thing to do – she knew that. She just needed to ignore the impending feeling of dread that constantly sat somewhere between her stomach and her chest. Jack would be fine. She let a small smile play over her lips as she watched the children below bouncing around in the water and jumping on each other’s backs for piggyback races. But the smile wasn’t because she was happy; it dressed her face and pretended that she was fine but inside all she felt was deflation. Because she knew that Jack wouldn’t be laughing and joking with friends like these children were. He wouldn’t be playing race games and splashing other children as he dunked his head under the water. And as much as she hated herself for feeling disappointed about this, she couldn’t lie to herself. Other people, sure. But not to herself.

A holiday in the sun where she could try to hide from all the feelings of guilt and anxiety? Yes, this was exactly what Nancy needed right now.

Chapter 6

Nancy glanced around the restaurant as she waited for Harriet to return to the table. The one they had chosen to eat in tonight was the least plush of the three available options. The children had had a long day travelling and Nancy was tired too, so choosing the least fancy one suited her just fine. If Jack was to have an episode – which was always a possibility as they were in a new place – then she would feel more comfortable here, with fewer people to look down their noses at her. She wasn’t the type of person to judge others, especially when she knew how horrible it was when people judged her parenting and her son. But she had found that in places where a particular etiquette was expected – like highbrow restaurants – the consequences of a meltdown were not appreciated in the slightest. Children were expected to behave in a certain way and whilst that was understandable, it wasn’t always practical. She had been made to feel an outsider last year when out with Hari and the children at a posh restaurant in town. Hari had been given the table reservation as part of a contract and had chosen to take Nancy and Jack along with her as a treat. A waitress had dropped a tray of food, the noise was too loud for Jack and he became anxious and jittery. The waitress then came over to apologise and ruffled Jack’s hair but this was enough to tip him over the edge and it all fell apart from there. The looks on the faces of the other diners and the staff had been branded onto Nancy’s brain and regularly fuelled mild panic attacks. When she thought about that evening, she could still hear the voices saying things like ‘she should learn to control her child’ and ‘what’s wrong with him’.

Nowadays she much preferred restaurants with a more relaxed atmosphere towards children.

The tables were set up like picnic benches, but they were pimped up with padding on the seats and the tables were dressed as though they were eating at Buckingham palace; material napkins, beautiful cutlery and the most amazing flower arrangements encased within an ivory birdcage.

‘Do you think every part of this resort is like this or will I be able to pick up a burger and chips from somewhere?’ Nancy asked, perusing the menu.

‘Just embrace the luxury, Nance,’ Harriet replied.

‘It’s alright for you; you’re used to eating in places like this with work. You travel here, there, and everywhere, and have your meetings in posh restaurants all the time. I get by on toast, sandwiches and Jack’s leftovers.’ Her heart sank a little as the reality of how dismal her life had become since Pete had left hit her a little more. She was starting to wonder whether she would ever get the hang of this single parenting malarkey.

‘Have things really been that tight since Dickhead went?’

Nancy shrugged, realising her faux pas of bringing up the money subject. She never brought up money with anyone, all it did was either make people feel uncomfortable or pity her – neither of which she wanted from her best friend. Harriet knew things were tough, but Nancy had never really spoken about just how hard it was getting through each day financially. Their focus tended to be more the emotional effects of Pete leaving.

‘You know I’m always here to help. I can lend you some money if you need some?’

‘Don’t be silly, I’m fine. Things are fine. I’m not struggling.’ She was, but now she felt awkward.

‘Honestly babe, I can give you some money if it’ll help lighten the stress of things and—’

‘Hari, honestly, I’m fine.’ She cut her short. This wasn’t the conversation she wanted to have. Not with Harriet, not with anyone. She wasn’t about to start taking charity. She wasn’t there – yet. Harriet obviously heard the tone of Nancy’s voice and didn’t push anymore, instead turning her attention to helping Isla find something on the menu.

Nancy glanced back at her menu and then over to Jack who had his earphones on and his eyes glued to his iPad. She placed her hand onto his forearm and waited for him to remove the headphones – a sequence they had devised that told Jack that she wanted his attention, so he had time to adjust. She’d learnt the hard way that if she removed his headphones without warning him first, it would trigger a disaster because he didn’t like anyone touching his ears.

When he had taken them off and placed them on the table, he looked at her with his big blue eyes and instantly Nancy found herself smiling. No matter how tough she was finding things at home, one look at Jack with his cute little inquisitive face and all her worries melted away. Although lately, she did sometimes get a twinge of sadness because the older he got, the more he took on Pete’s facial features. They both had this little crease at the top of their nose that appeared whenever they scrunched up their face or yawned. And they both had big, beautiful eyes that you could lose yourself in. It was a feature Nancy had fallen for when she’d first met Pete.

‘What would you like to eat, sweetheart? You can have chips, spaghetti bolognese or chicken?’ She tried to tempt him with meals she thought he would eat but she knew before he had spoken what his answer would be.

‘Pasta.’

She smiled. ‘Why don’t you try something new?’ Again, she knew the response.

‘Pasta,’ he said, his chin beginning to wobble. Now wasn’t the time or place to try to get him to branch out. He had eaten strawberry yoghurt and grapes for breakfast, peanut butter sandwiches (cut into triangles NOT squares) for lunch, and pasta with grated cheese on top for dinner every single day for the last ten months. He wasn’t about to change that here.

It frustrated her though, if she was honest. To others it might seem trivial and not something worth getting worked up over, but it was the fact that Nancy didn’t have the answers. She didn’t know why he had suddenly limited his eating habits or what triggered this. He ate normally when Pete first left but after a couple of months it was like he just decided that this was all he was going to eat. And when Jack had something in his head, that was it. This was something that Nancy had been researching lately though and she was determined to widen his food choices. And actually, this holiday might be the perfect time to try out some of the techniques she had found. It could be her little holiday mission – aside from getting Jack through the holiday itself. She thought for a minute – maybe right now wasn’t the best time to push this seeing as they had not long been here so Jack was bound to be feeling anxious about his new surroundings.

‘OK sweetheart,’ she said and he smiled at her, replacing his headphones. Nancy didn’t push for more; she would let him settle in first, then she would tackle the issue of food.

***

Later that evening, Harriet looked at her children sleeping, the moonlight from the window gently falling onto their faces making them look like sleeping angels. She glanced at the clock: 02.53. Exhaling she opened her laptop and checked her emails.

Hello, Harriet@creativeimpressions.com, you have 87 new emails

She felt a lead weight drop into her stomach. She couldn’t even be away from work for a day without falling behind. She opened the first email.

Harriet, sorry to bother you on holiday but Colemans are saying that we haven’t provided the correct information regarding the Beech Project. I’ve forwarded you their email – what do you want me to do??

She groaned and began typing. As much as she knew she and her family needed this holiday, her workload was still heavy, and this week would be a juggling act. And she knew Nancy needed this break more. She had watched her friend deteriorate over the last year as she’d struggled to look after Jack single-handedly and Harriet knew that Nancy desperately needed to take some time out. Unfortunately, Harriet’s staff didn’t understand her decision to be a good friend and leave the business just before a big contract came in, and because of the way Harriet managed her company, they seemed to lack drive and competence when she wasn’t there. This wasn’t something Harriet wanted to admit to anyone, but she was finding it hard to delegate jobs, instead choosing to take charge of everything which resulted in very little time to do anything un-work related like spending time with her friends and family. This bothered Harriet hugely, yet she wasn’t in any position to implement changes to stop this from happening. Hopefully this was about to change though. Whilst this holiday was presented as a getaway for her friend, she secretly hoped that some downtime without the pressures of her everyday routine would mean that she would be able to consider her options and find a way forward. Everyone who knew her – or thought they knew her – would say that Harriet was the type of person who thrived on being busy. Someone who loved a challenge and hated the mundane tasks of everyday parenting. Whilst that had an element of truthfulness in it, the part of her that nobody really knew much about was the part that was screaming out for help. But she was too frightened to acknowledge it and she spent all day, every day, squashing it deep down so that she didn’t have to accept the fact that her family life was a mess. Her children spent more time being pulled from pillar to post and having Harriet shout and stress at them than actually enjoying the company of their mum.

When Harriet was forced to become a single parent and watch her husband walk out on them, she decided that she could go one of two ways – she could wallow, feel sorry for herself and fall into a cycle of depression and self-destruction, or, she could pick herself up and do what needed to be done to make ends meet. Which, being the type of person she was, was what she’d done. However, along the way Harriet seemed to have lost her focus and instead of plunging into the Supermum role she’d envisaged, she’d become a crazed work-a-holic who hardly spent any time with her children and found herself snowed under at work with no one to turn to.

This holiday would be a real test for her. She wanted to use the time away from work to refocus and find answers. Unfortunately, work didn’t seem to have got that memo! Harriet didn’t need sleep anyway – it was totally overrated.

Chapter 7

‘Mummy … Mummy … Mummy … Mummy…?’

Harriet groaned as she turned to face Isla who was tapping her on the arm for the millionth time. ‘Yes darling?’

‘Can we go for some breakfast, I’m hungry? And Tommy’s done a poo – he stinks!’

Harriet looked at the clock: 05:55.

‘Isla, it’s too early for breakfast – they don’t start serving until 7 a.m.’ Isla moaned. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart.’

‘But I’m starving! I haven’t had anything to eat for ageeees!’

‘Slight exaggeration Isla, you had dinner and pudding last night.’ Harriet tried to keep her eyes open against the brightness of the sunshine streaming through their window.

‘But that was forever ago. I’m hungry.’ Isla dropped her bottom lip into a sulk.

‘Darling, Mummy can’t magic food out of nowhere, you’ll just have to wait.’

‘But I’m starving!’

‘You are not starving, Isla, you ate last night. All those poor children in the world who are starving and you’re moaning because you haven’t eaten for a few hours – be realistic!’ Isla recoiled at Harriet’s raised voice and she instantly felt guilty for her reaction. The children didn’t realise she had only been asleep a couple of hours, and why should they? It was times like this that Harriet wanted to grab and shake herself and scream what are you doing? She hated the person she was becoming. She was so proud of her career and she knew just how much she had achieved but it had come at a price. She just couldn’t understand how people managed family and work side by side successfully, and yet there were millions of people out there doing it. Why couldn’t she? She could see everything that was wrong with what she was doing but she just didn’t have a clue how to fix it. And it needed fixing. Isla’s little face, awash with shock at her mother’s outburst was enough to pick apart more of the thread of parenting self-doubt that was slowly but surely unravelling. It shouldn’t be this hard to be a mum. It was supposed to come naturally. ‘You’ll just know what to do when you’re a mum,’ people would say to her. ‘It’s one of the most natural things in the world.’

Yeah right, she thought. Maybe she was broken then, because it sure as hell wasn’t coming naturally to her. She looked at Isla’s little face and was brought back to the moment with a guilty bang. ‘Sorry darling – Mummy’s just tired.’

Isla sloped off the bed and climbed back onto hers, taking her colouring book out of the bag and beginning to colour, clearly in a mood with Harriet.

It was now that Harriet realised that Isla wasn’t joking about Tommy – she could smell him from where she lay on the other side of the bedroom. She rolled out of bed and walked over to the cot where he was still sleeping. She was tempted to leave him until he woke up, so she could grab a few more minutes sleep but the smell was so pungent she couldn’t ignore it. She gently placed her hand onto his tummy and rubbed. ‘Morning little man.’ She picked him up – trying not to gag – and instantly took him to the bed to change him.

She needed more coffee for this.

Minutes later a gentle tap sounded on the interior adjoining door of her room and Nancy’s head poked round. ‘I heard voices – figured you must be part of the Early Morning Club too?’ She smiled sympathetically.

‘You can only come in if you have coffee.’ Harriet pointed to her sideboard where once stood several sachets of coffee but now stood an empty pot.

Nancy walked in. ‘Jeez, you drunk all your coffee on the first day?’

Harriet shook her head. ‘No, I drank some of my coffee and Tommy decided to put the rest down the toilet.’ Harriet could see the laugh growing on Nancy’s lips. ‘I swear, if you laugh, I may have to kill you.’

‘I’ll make you some from my room – give me a minute.’

True to her word, a moment later Nancy returned with two mugs of coffee and Jack following closely behind, his headphones on and iPad in hand.

‘Oh, you are a lifesaver.’ Harriet sipped the steaming drink and instantly relaxed a little. It wasn’t up to the standard of her coffee machine at work, which she was practically attached to intravenously, but it was caffeine and it would have to do.

‘So, what’s the reason for the early get up? Although by the smell of your room I think I might be able to guess.’ Nancy wrinkled her nose and opened the window.

‘Yeah, Tommy woke Isla up with the smell and so she woke me up.’

‘Morning Isla,’ Nancy said, glancing over to Harriet’s eldest who was still sulking on the bed. ‘What’s up?’ Nancy asked, nodding her head over to her.

‘She’s hungry and wants breakfast but they don’t start serving until 7.’

‘I’ve got some cereal bars, yoghurt and fruit in my room if she wants some?’

Harriet looked at her friend, confused. ‘Why have you got cereal bars, yogurt and fruit?’

‘Because I know Jack gets hungry first thing and I have to make sure I have stuff as a backup if there are places where they don’t do food that he likes.’

Harriet felt a mix of elation – that she could offer Isla some food now – and sadness – because this only highlighted how bad at parenting she was. Why didn’t she think of packing stuff like that? ‘Isla, Nancy has some cereal bars in her room if you want one?’

Isla immediately jumped up. ‘Yes, yes, yes! I’ll get it – where are they?’ But she had already disappeared into the next room before hearing a reply.

‘I’ll go,’ Nancy laughed, following.

When she returned, Harriet asked, ‘does it come naturally to you?’

Nancy frowned, confused. ‘Eh?’

‘Being a mum – do you just know what to do?’

Nancy laughed. ‘Yeah I’m a total pro – the ideas just come to me in a flash of inspiration and I feel well-equipped for every situation life can throw at me.’ She stopped giggling when she saw Harriet wasn’t laughing. ‘What’s up?’

Harriet felt vulnerable. She didn’t normally like to talk about feelings; she was methodical, regimented, she got jobs done. She didn’t have time to sit and ponder on things. But recently, since Isla was getting older and more demanding, she was starting to question her role in things a lot more. ‘I just don’t get how you can just know all this stuff. Where does it come from?’

‘What stuff?’

She pointed to Nancy’s room. ‘The breakfast stuff.’

Nancy tilted her head like a confused dog. ‘Hari, you’re not making any sense.’

She exhaled. ‘You brought breakfast stuff, for Jack, in case he needed it.’ Nancy nodded. ‘How did you know to do that?’ Harriet laughed as she heard herself. ‘OK, that sounds really weird. I know what I want to say but I just can’t get the right words.’ She groaned, putting her head into her hands.

Nancy moved towards Harriet and placed a hand on her shoulder. ‘Are you OK?’

She flung her hands back down into her lap and looked at her best friend. ‘I just don’t understand how something as little as thinking ahead about breakfast when you have little ones comes so easily to some people, yet I don’t ever seem to think about it. I can chair a corporate meeting, I can collate all the necessary information relating to a project and I can analyse and interpret various work-related deals. Why can’t I think of something as simple as packing snacks for my children?’

Nancy laughed. ‘Come on, you’re being too hard on yourself. Look, I think about stuff like that because I have to. Jack is different from your children; if I don’t plan and think ahead, it could mean the difference between him feeling comfortable and him having a meltdown. I don’t have a choice. It didn’t come naturally to me; I had to learn the hard way. Your children are not the same. If you told Isla to wait an hour for breakfast, yes, she would kick up a fuss and she might feel like it was the end of the world, but ultimately, she would cope. Jack wouldn’t.’ She squeezed Harriet’s hand. ‘That’s the difference.’

‘I guess.’

‘Hari, I don’t get it right all the time – you know that!’

‘I just don’t get the whole “it comes naturally” thing people say with parenting.’

‘That’s because it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. I love being a parent, but parenting an autistic child is a completely different story and I certainly do not feel like that comes naturally to me. Everyone is different. It’s really shit but we have to learn things the hard way, by experiencing the ups and the downs and working out what went wrong so that it doesn’t happen again. And that’s why I know to have breakfast stuff – it isn’t because I’m Supermum.’

Harriet smiled at Nancy, thankful to have such an understanding friend to travel this rollercoaster of feelings with. ‘I just need to balance my life better, I think.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Just, you know, work and stuff.’

‘I agree, you work far too much.’

Harriet made a noise which was half an exhale and half a laugh. ‘It’s not as simple as that Nance, I have to work.’

‘Yeah I know that, but do you really have to work as much as you do? You have a team of people around you – use them!’

Harriet nodded. There was no point in having this conversation. As much as she loved Nancy, she just didn’t understand what she went through with work. She didn’t have the same stresses as Harriet. If Harriet didn’t work and make it a success, she would lose her business. And not just that, she would lose her house, her only source of income and her dignity. Regardless of how much she wanted to spend more time with the children, the fact of the matter was, work had to take priority. She had no choice. And until she found a solution that would allow her to embrace both aspects of her life, she would have to continue juggling.

She looked over to Jack who was now seated on the chair by the window, glued to his iPad. She then looked over to Tommy who was playing in his cot with some toys. Finally, she looked over to her laptop which was still open but had gone to sleep. She could almost feel the emails dropping into her inbox.

It would be another late one tonight – she needed more coffee for this.

Chapter 8

‘Shall we go exploring today – see what the resort has to offer and find out where the best cocktails are?’ Harriet winked at Nancy.

‘Sounds like a plan.’ Nancy cleared her plate of the omelette she had chosen for breakfast from the buffet – trying to forget about the cereal and croissants she’d had before that. This was a stark contrast to how things were at home, where Nancy ate mostly leftovers. She was really thankful to Harriet for giving her this chance to re-evaluate things.

‘I found out where the kids’ club is, and they open in an hour so shall we drop the kids there and then set off? Apparently, they’re doing party games, painting and a mini disco today. Sounds great fun, hey Isla?’

Isla nodded excitedly. ‘I’m going to wear my pink dress today so I’m ready for the party and I’m going to paint Nanny a picture of a goat.’

Nancy looked at Harriet questioningly. Harriet shook her head. ‘I have no idea.’

‘Sounds great. Are you putting Tommy in too?’

‘Yeah, they do a babies’ club as well and take them from a year old – bonus.’ Harriet paused. ‘Are you putting Jack in?’

Nancy pulled a face and looked over to her son. ‘I don’t know that he’ll go to be honest.’ She didn’t want to come across as negative, but she was already pre-empting how Jack might be feeling. Part of her was willing him to give it a try, to see what would happen, but the more dominant part of her was realistic and felt concerned about letting him go in the first place.

‘Do you want to try?’

‘I guess so – it’s worth a try, isn’t it?’ It was more of a question. She didn’t feel comfortable about it at all and she could already predict how it was going to go. It wasn’t like she had spent all her parenting years never challenging Jack. She did get him to try new things, quite regularly. It didn’t have a very high success rate though and this was causing her uneasiness now. She knew he would feel worried and anxious. She knew he wouldn’t like the new surroundings and if it was noisy inside then she knew he wouldn’t cope well. Nevertheless, she was reluctant to be seen to not be trying in front of her friend. Harriet was a strong- willed person and a lot of the time being around her brought out a more confident and risk- taking side to Nancy. Sometimes this paid off and Nancy achieved things she wouldn’t normally – like when Jack didn’t like brushing his teeth and it was Nancy’s confidence and Harriet’s idea of finding a teeth-brushing song that ultimately ended with him now loving to do it. Sometimes being brave paid off. Sometimes it came back and punched her in the face. She thought for a minute and finally said, ‘It’s a new place and he’s never been before so I don’t fancy the odds, but maybe I’ll give him the option and see if he surprises me.’

‘That’s the spirit.’

An hour later they were all lined up at the hotel kids’ club reception, ready to sign the children in, and Nancy was feeling more anxious than she had done since they’d got on the plane to come here. It wasn’t just that Jack didn’t like things like this, but over the last year everything had been that little bit more difficult and his behaviour had become more unpredictable. She felt like everything she knew about her son had been turned on its head. She wasn’t sure if it was because she was more anxious about it all being on her own or whether Jack was reacting to the changes happening at home, but either way, she was on edge constantly, swimming against the tide.

‘Good morning!’ said a cheery voice from the desk. ‘And who do we have here?’ she looked at Isla who was performing her best ballet routine for the lady.

‘My name is Isla and I do ballet!’

‘I can see that, it’s beautiful. And will you be joining us today?’

‘Yep! I’m going to draw a goat!’

The woman at the desk smiled and looked to Harriet.

‘I don’t know the relevance of the goat.’

The lady laughed. ‘That’s fine, we can draw some goats and maybe some other animals too. Can you fill in this form for Isla? And will little man be joining our baby club?’

Harriet nodded. ‘Yes please, he’s just had his breakfast so will probably go for a nap soon.’

‘No problem, when you go into the baby room just tell the ladies in there, so they know.’ The woman’s attention now moved to Nancy and she instantly felt her panic levels rise. ‘And will this handsome young man be joining the party too?’

Nancy looked at Jack who was still kitted out in his headphones, but he was now noticeably hiding behind her legs pretending to be looking at his iPad. ‘He’s a little unsure,’ she said, placing her arm around him which he promptly shrugged off – he didn’t like to be touched.

‘That’s OK, some children are a little nervous. Why don’t you take him in with your friend and her little ones and he can have a look around and if he wants to stay, you can just come back and grab a form – how does that sound?’ The woman’s smile was so comforting, Nancy instantly relaxed a little. Childcare professionals seemed to have this natural talent of being a walking smile on legs.

‘Thank you,’ Nancy said and followed Harriet into the club entrance. She chose to ignore the voice in her head that was screaming at her to prepare for disappointment. Maybe today would be different…

Chapter 9

Nancy followed the others into the club, taking in the colourful surroundings as she did. It was very bright and busy, and she didn’t have to look at Jack to know that his little heart would be racing. Toys were strewn about all over the floor and the volume levels were loud. Nancy had no idea how these women worked in it every day. She could almost feel the clock ticking, waiting for a reaction from Jack. She had that awful sick feeling in her stomach, the feeling when you just know something is coming and the anticipation of waiting for it makes you feel queasy. She had the urge to turn around and march out of there with Jack, but her head was screaming at her to just try. How was Jack ever going to move forward if she kept stifling him and wrapping him in cotton wool? How was he ever going to learn to cope if she always managed situations for him? She needed to let him at least try these things, but she really struggled with the knowledge that she felt like she knew it would end badly anyway. She didn’t know what the answer was, what the right thing to do was. She tried to not let the angst show on her face and turned to Jack, plastering on a smile.

‘Isn’t this lovely, look at all the toys to play with!’ His little face looked terrified and pale, and she could see the little white marks on his knuckles as he clutched the iPad to his chest, headphones still on but she knew there was no sound – it was just the comfort of the pressure on his ears.

Harriet came over to where Nancy and Jack were standing, a huge smile spread across her face as she adjusted her sunglasses on her head. ‘Right, Tommy’s in the baby room and Isla has run off already to draw her goat – you ready?’

Nancy looked back to Jack and then to her friend. ‘I’m not sure Jack is going to stay.’ She couldn’t shake off the unease but equally, Harriet was the one paying for her holiday and she felt pressured to make sure Harriet had a good time – and her ideal day didn’t involve having Jack tag along with them.

‘What?’ Harriet knelt down to Jack’s level. ‘What’s up, little man? Don’t you want to play with all these amazing toys?’

Jack shook his head.

‘You’ll make some friends and have such a good time.’

Nancy knew how wrong this statement was. The reality was, Jack wouldn’t be playing with these children. He would, most probably, be sitting with his iPad, stressed, counting the minutes until Nancy returned. He would hate the other children screaming and shouting, he would feel out of place and he would struggle with communicating with the staff, too. The more she thought about it, the more ludicrous this seemed, and Nancy was surprised that she had even entertained the idea of kids’ club for Jack. Jack was different, she knew that, and it was times like this that she found herself overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness and sadness. As his mother, she so desperately wanted to make it all better and take away the sad feelings for him, but she couldn’t. As a parent, that felt devastating. If she truly thought about it, she knew deep down that Jack wouldn’t cope here. Now she just needed to work out a way of telling Hari without letting her down.

‘You can do some painting or play some games and Mummy and I will be back in a few hours.’

Jack noticeably tensed up and grabbed onto Nancy’s skirt, gripping it hard enough that his knuckles returned to their white colour. Nancy crouched down as Harriet stood.

‘Do you not want to try, sweetheart?’ The words had no conviction; she had already known they were leaving. She said the words to show Hari she was trying, to lessen the blow of potentially ruining her idea of a perfect afternoon without the children.

‘It’s too noisy – I don’t like it.’

He looked like he was going to cry and Nancy’s heart broke. Whilst she was getting used to the fact that he now had an autism diagnosis, sometimes it was still really hard to accept that he was different to other children. Harriet’s children had strolled straight in without a care in the world – she had it so easy. Nancy had to second guess everything. She could never just leave anything to chance, she always needed a plan B (and often a plan C and D too). When Jack was born she’d prided herself on taking to motherhood really well but then as the years went on, her parenting technique suffered, and she went into survival mode. Some weeks were better than others and now that Jack was seven, there were certain elements that they had under control and Nancy was proud of herself for getting to that stage with these parts of his personality – but they still had a long way to go. Pete leaving was the spanner in the works that she just didn’t need. She was determined to show him that she was doing fine without him, but it was hard, and she struggled, a lot. Every day was a new learning curve for her and Jack and she quite often went from feeling like an amazing mother who managed to gain little victories with Jack, to feeling inadequate, unprepared and a failure.

She stood up. ‘Looks like we have company today then.’ She didn’t miss the flicker of disappointment on her friend’s face and it was like a punch to the stomach. What was she supposed to do? Jack was always going to come first in anything Nancy did but she really resented this when it affected those around her. And this happened more often than people thought. She had lost friends in the past because she wasn’t able to stick to play dates or when she did go, it ended in disaster. It started by those around her giving her space when Jack was uneasy and ended with her just not being invited out at all anymore. She still occasionally spoke to these mums, but they weren’t her friends and they never included her in their get-togethers. Now here she was again, potentially messing up another friendship. She had known Harriet so long, she didn’t think she was so fickle as to let this affect their friendship, but the disappointed flicker in her friend’s eyes was enough to make Nancy feel really shit. Her life was led by Jack and his behaviour and even though she knew he couldn’t help it, it was a tough pill to swallow.

Harriet quickly covered her disappointment and replied, ‘No worries. Let’s go.’

The girls made their way back to the entrance and as they exited through the doors, the smiling lady caught them.

‘Oh, are you not staying with us, little man?’

Jack hid further into Nancy’s skirt. ‘He’s not feeling very confident today, so I think we’ll try again another day.’ She smiled and tried to continue walking but the woman crouched down to his level.

‘We have lots of games and toys to play with and all the ladies are very lovely – you’ll have a great time.’

Jack’s hands becoming increasingly whiter as he gripped Nancy’s skirt. He had started to rock slightly too. It wasn’t noticeable enough for anyone else to spot it, but Nancy knew he was incredibly anxious right now. She needed to get him away from this situation to a place where he could relax. She reached into her bags to retrieve his Calm Cards. A while back Nancy and Jack had spent an afternoon finding pictures of all Jack’s favourite things and they’d printed them off and laminated them, so that whenever he was feeling anxious, he could take some time out to look at his cards and get into a better headspace. So far, they had been a hit. He had pictures of him and Nancy, pictures of buildings he had visited and landmarks from all over the world. Jack loved architecture so looking at structural pictures was calming for him. She rummaged around in her bag and after a moment felt the disappointment settle as she realised she must’ve left them up in the room. She cursed herself – she never usually went anywhere without them. The tension was building and she could feel her temples pulsating.

‘I think it’s probably best if we try another day.’

But the woman just wasn’t giving up.

‘I know, why don’t you give it a try for just an hour and then if you don’t like it, we can call Mummy? How’s that sound?’ And then she did the one thing she shouldn’t have done.

She took his headphones off.

Chapter 10

The next few minutes felt like a lifetime for Nancy, and yet everything seemed to happen so quickly.

The first thing was the rapid movement of Jack’s arm swinging at the lady, catching her square on the chin as he flung both arms up when he felt his headphones being removed. Nancy couldn’t move quickly enough to stop the connection of his fist hitting the lady’s face. The woman recoiled in surprise and screeched which caused Jack to let out an almighty wail as he struggled to take in the sudden commotion around him.

‘Jack, no! It’s OK!’ Nancy called to him, reaching out her hands to try and stop the swinging of his arms as he became more panicked and unsettled. But in moments like this, Jack had an unbelievable strength that would challenge the world’s strongest man.

Nancy frantically tried to calm him, making shushing noises and reassuring him that everything was OK, but he was already in the meltdown zone. His anxiety had been building the whole time they had been at the kids’ club and the woman removing the comfort blanket of his headphones had tipped him over the edge. Nancy knew he was too far gone now to be pulled back easily. His face contorted with distress, bright red with a look of fear spread across it. He was holding his ears as though someone had hurt them, and it broke Nancy’s heart. She was so angry at herself. If she had said no at the start, then none of this would be happening. Instead, her little boy was frightened and distressed and it was her fault. She felt sick with frustration.

‘Nancy, what do you want me to do?’ Harriet called to her, but she barely heard her, her focus was now purely on trying to calm Jack down.

‘Here, Jack, have your headphones back.’ She held them out to him, but he batted them away with his hands, dropping to the floor and squirming around as his cry became a wail.

The woman who had started all this was standing open-mouthed, staring at him as she held the area on her face where he had whacked her. She looked from Jack, to Nancy, then back to Jack, unsure of what exactly was unfolding in front of her. She didn’t understand, nobody understood. It was an incredibly lonely place to be when you were parenting an autistic child.

‘I need to let him get it out of his system,’ Nancy said to Harriet, pleading with her eyes for her friend to not judge and just be there. Harriet had never judged her, but the scars from those who had were still raw. Harriet, true to form, just nodded and smiled, showing her unwavering support and this meant more to Nancy than anything she could have said. Words were nice, but it was the comradery of support shown in Harriet’s actions that spoke the loudest. She had her friend by her side and she was going to get through this. She hoped.

‘What an earth is going on out here!’ Another member of staff had joined them from inside the kids’ club and her gaze instantly went to Jack on the floor writhing about in distress. ‘Oh dear, does somebody not want to come in today? He’ll be fine once he’s in, Mum, go on, off you go and we’ll take little man in with us.’ The woman began to kneel down to Jack who instantly kicked out and just missed making contact with her face. She jumped back in surprise and made a comment about being unruly under her breath. This made Nancy’s blood boil because it was the conclusion that so many people came to without knowing anything about the situation. So many children were branded as misbehaving without anyone looking into why they were behaving in that way. Not only did she have to deal with the pressure of watching her son clearly distressed and inconsolable, but she also had to listen to people who thought they were child behaviour experts pass judgement on them.

‘He’s not naughty!’ Nancy found herself throwing the words back at the woman although she wasn’t sure why she bothered. People like that were never going to understand.

‘Oh no, I didn’t say that ma’am.’ The look on her face said different.

‘Come on, Jack, let’s go.’ Nancy said, trying to be more authoritative when inside she was feeling totally helpless. She just knew she needed to get both Jack and herself away from this situation. But as she moved towards him he lashed out at her too, grasping tighter at his ears, practically ripping them from his head. He was pulling at them so much they had turned a deep shade of crimson and looked so sore. ‘Jack, stop it! Stop pulling your ears and put these on!’ She shoved the headphones at him, but he couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything except stopping the feeling that was making him so uncomfortable. His wails became sobs and he curled up into a ball, rocking.

‘Hari…’ Nancy sobbed, looking to her friend. Generally over the years, Nancy had built up a good coping strategy for dealing with Jack when he was like this. However, being in a new environment, she found herself panicking and becoming stressed a lot quicker than she would do in the comfort of her own home. Seeing Jack in a state was proving too much for her. She was so grateful to Hari, who instantly went into leader mode and took control of the situation.

‘OK, what needs to happen right now ladies,’ she addressed the two kids’ club staff members, ‘is that we need you both to step back and give Jack some space. I’m sure we don’t need both of you out here so if you wouldn’t mind…’ She nodded towards the second woman who had joined them and indicated that she return to the crèche. The woman didn’t appreciate being told what to do but the receptionist surprisingly backed Harriet up and said, ‘Perhaps you should go back inside, I’m fine out here.’

‘Right, Nance, put the headphones next to him on the floor so they are there when he calms down.’

Nancy did as she was told, sniffing back the tears that were now falling down her face.

‘And just FYI,’ Harriet addressed the receptionist, ‘Jack has autism, so this isn’t just a child having a tantrum, and we would appreciate some support as opposed to the judgemental looks.’

The woman looked away, half embarrassed and half fuming at being addressed in this way but Nancy didn’t care right now, she just needed Jack to calm down. She was annoyed at herself for failing to cope in Jack’s moment of need. It was day one of their holiday and already she had crumbled. She couldn’t help but wonder if she was more wound up about this holiday than she realised. She knew Jack would struggle but she had coping mechanisms in place at home and she thought she’d be able to cope with anything he threw at her. But for some reason, she’d struggled today. It could be tiredness from the travel or worry about what might happen. Either way, she needed to get a grip on things if she was going to make it through this holiday with her sanity. She needed to refocus … and then she needed a drink.

***

‘Here, I think you need this, hey?’ Harriet passed Nancy a glass of sangria and watched as she gulped down half the contents in one swift movement. ‘Are you OK?’

Nancy exhaled, her gaze fixed on her glass. ‘Not really.’

Harriet felt incredibly sorry for her best friend. This last year had been so hard for Nancy, and she’d watched her friend slowly but surely lose her identity and a little bit of her sanity since Jack’s diagnosis and her marriage break up. Harriet tried to be there for her but there was only so much she could do and with work getting increasingly busy she knew she hadn’t been there for Nancy as much as she perhaps could have, which made her feel guilty. She’d wanted this holiday to be a positive break for them all, but she hadn’t envisaged Jack struggling with it. She hadn’t even thought about Jack if she was honest, which pretty much summed her up as a parent – useless.

‘It wasn’t your fault – she shouldn’t have taken Jack’s headphones.’

‘Yeah, but how was she supposed to know? How is anyone supposed to know? It’s so fucking hard, Hari.’

‘I know it is, but you can’t beat yourself up about it. This is going to happen, you just need to learn ways to get past it and help Jack to get past it, that’s all.’ She sipped at her own sangria.

‘But what if he doesn’t, Hari? What if he never improves and I spend my whole life one step behind him apologising for what he does and the chaos he creates when people do things he doesn’t like. I can’t constantly be there for him.’

‘You won’t have to be—’

‘How do you know? Does your child have bloody autism?’ Harriet froze at Nancy’s sudden outburst. ‘Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.’ Nancy exhaled and put her head in her hands. ‘I’m just fed up with getting it wrong – I don’t know what I’m doing, why is this so hard!’

‘You’re doing great! You’re doing a hell of a lot better than I would. Jeez, Nance, I can’t even look after my own children without getting it wrong and they’re a piece of cake in comparison.’ She held up her hand in apology. ‘Not saying Jack is difficult … I just meant—’

‘It’s fine,’ Nancy smiled. ‘I know what you mean.’ They sat there quietly for a minute before Nancy added, ‘And you’re doing a fine job with your children, stop putting yourself down.’

‘I don’t know, Nance, I know it’s nothing in comparison to what you have to deal with daily but I feel like I’m wading against the tide all the time. The children expect so much from me and I don’t have a clue. Put me in a boardroom with seventeen directors from multimillion-pound companies from around the world and I’m a pro, stick me in a play centre with my two children and it’s like they speak a different language to me!’ Hari laughed to lighten the comment. Whilst she was trying to make Nancy feel better about what had happened, there was more truth in what she was saying than she liked to admit.

‘You’re too hard on yourself.’

‘Nancy, the other week the nursery had to call me because I was over an hour late to pick up Tommy. I was too busy replying to emails. And then I did it again the day before we left.’ She lifted an eyebrow. ‘My own child, Nance, and I forgot!’

‘You’re under a lot of pressure with your job and everyone drops the ball every now and then, that’s just parenting. It’s shit.’ She clinked her glass with Harriet’s. ‘Welcome to the Shit Mums’ Club.’

‘Welcome? Are you kidding? I think I qualify for the presidency role at that club!’

‘Oh shush!’ Nancy waved the comment away. ‘It does make me think, though, Hari.’

‘What’s that then? Share your pearls of wisdom with me, oh wise one.’

‘Well, we can’t be the only parents in the world feeling like this. Maybe this is just what parenting is: a rollercoaster of emotions ranging from the very high to the very low on a daily basis with the constant need to self-criticise every single action you take – or don’t take.’

Harriet nodded. ‘Sounds pretty accurate to me.’ She sipped her drink again.

‘I just wish more people spoke about it and owned up to struggling instead of putting on a filter and pretending. It makes it so much harder for those of us who are genuinely pulling our hair out because we feel like the only ones. But, we can’t be.’

‘Well, I am totally on your side, Mrs, I certainly can’t say I’m acing parenthood. Screaming, crying, tantrums, poo on the floor, broccoli in the DVD player… it all happens at my house.’ Harriet’s confidence began to wane as she listed all the things her children did, the more she spoke, the more vulnerable she felt. Maybe the sangria had loosened her tongue a little too much. But Nancy was her friend, so if she couldn’t talk openly with her, then who could she talk to?

‘See, this is why mums need to stick together, this is why we should talk about these things because once you realise that every single parent is feeling this shit, it doesn’t feel so bad!’ Nancy slapped her knee as though she had had a revelation.

‘Another one for the road?’ Harriet asked, not waiting for an answer and making her way over to the bar. Laughter aside, Nancy had a point. Surely they couldn’t be the only parents out there struggling in some way? So why did she feel so alone?

***

Nancy watched Harriet leave and moved her attention to Jack who was sitting with his feet dangling in the pool, headphones firmly back on. It broke her heart to see him so isolated from everyone else. All she wanted was – dare she say it – a normal child. Whatever that was. She loved him with all her heart but being his mum was so incredibly difficult, she wasn’t sure she was cut out for it. When Pete had left her, it had broken her heart, but if she was completely honest, she’d been a little jealous of him too. Jealous that he had escaped the daily turmoil of meltdowns and the unknown. It wasn’t just the physical stresses of it all that she was finding difficult, it was the emotional side too. Parenting was hard, regardless of whether you had one child or ten, hyperactive or shy, disabled or not. The actual act of parenting itself was gruelling both physically and mentally and she really missed having another person to bounce off when times were tough. She was jealous of the fact that Pete didn’t have to watch his son when he was feeling sad or frightened and as a result, endure hours of horrendous guilt and shame that you couldn’t make it better. Pete didn’t have to deal with numerous wakings in the night and he didn’t have to go through the turmoil when you forgot to take Jack’s Calm Cards out. She couldn’t ever imagine being without Jack but equally she longed to share the worry with someone who understood.

She glanced down at her leg where a bruise was beginning to form where she had tried to restrain Jack earlier. The way the staff member had looked at Nancy, like her son was a monster, made her feel devastated. She was failing as a parent right now and it felt horrendous.

She was snapped out of her thoughts rapidly when she saw a young boy approach Jack from behind, pause and then sit down next to him, dangling his feet into the pool just like Jack. Nancy froze with an overwhelming fear that the little boy would touch Jack’s headphones. She moved to stand up to warn the child but then paused as she watched Jack take off his own headphones and look at the young boy. She sat back in her chair, anxiously waiting to see what happened next. Time stood still as she watched the two of them staring at each other, not moving. Jack had never done this before. He didn’t usually take his headphones off to interact with another person – it was only when Nancy asked him to or when he was ready. Nancy wasn’t sure how she felt about this. She wanted to be happy – this was progress, surely? But a small part of her brain was nervously asking questions like why? and what will he do? She wanted to intervene, to make sure this encounter went smoothly and positively, but she knew in her heart that he was never going to make the progress he needed to socially if she was always one step behind doing it for him. She waited patiently, her breathing shallow and fast.

Then the little boy with the mousy brown hair said, ‘Whatcha watching?’

Jack didn’t respond, and Nancy could see him clasping the iPad tight against his chest, his knuckles their usual shade of white. Nancy’s heart was racing, willing him to reply to the boy who was staring at him, waiting for an answer, the sweetest little smile on his face.. She fixed her eyes on her son, praying for him to say something – anything – but still he stared back, unwavering.

‘Is it YouTube? I like that; I watch stuff on it all the time – what’s your favourite?’

Still nothing. Oh God, this was torture. That poor little boy wanted to make friends and have a chat and Jack was just sitting there, frozen.

Then, Jack stood up and walked back to Nancy, leaving the boy sitting in the pool by himself, watching as his new friend just walked off without so much as a goodbye. Nancy’s heart broke for him and if she was honest with herself, she was a little frustrated at Jack too. When these social challenges arose, Nancy always wished for the same outcome: for Jack to engage. And every single time she had to accept that this wasn’t going to happen overnight. But it was difficult to not let the frustration seep in. She suppressed the feeling, as Jack sat down at the base of her chair and resumed his watching. Nancy walked over to the little boy. Sitting next to him she took Jack’s place and put her legs into the pool as he had done.

‘I’m sorry about that,’ she said. ‘Jack struggles a little bit with talking to new people.’ She smiled at the boy who smiled back, his whole face lighting up and Nancy couldn’t help but warm to his friendly nature.

He shrugged. ‘That’s OK,’ he chirped. ‘I just saw him sitting on his own so didn’t want him to be lonely.’

Her heart melted. ‘How old are you?’

‘Seven.’

‘Seven? Wow, you are very grown up for seven.’

‘That’s what my dad says; he says I’m like an old man sometimes.’ He giggled, and the sound was fresh, carefree and just how little boys should sound.

‘Well, I think it’s lovely that you wanted to make friends. Jack just finds it hard sometimes.’

‘Does he have friends at home?’ The little boy swished the water with his feet.

‘Not really.’ She shook her head. He had children he played with – or should she say, alongside – but that was because Nancy was friends with their parents. And at school he just kept himself to himself.

‘It’s OK; some people just like to be on their own.’

Nancy looked at the boy, lost for words. How did this seven-year-old have such a mature outlook on life? She moved her gaze back to her feet in the pool, her brightly painted pink toenails making shapes beneath the water.

‘Is this a private party or can anyone join?’

Nancy jumped slightly at the male voice behind her and glanced over her shoulder. She stared for a second at the tall man peering down at them and then realised she was staring at his chest which had some kind of tattoo on it. She coughed to regain herself as she diverted her eyes towards his face. He had a nice face with a cheeky smile, made slightly sexier by the small amount of stubble around his mouth – standard holiday stubble. He had the most gorgeous full head of blonde hair which was long enough for her to run her hands through. She batted away the thought the instant it fell into her head. Embarrassed, as though he could read her mind, she averted her gaze nervously.

‘Daddy! I was talking to this lady’s boy as he was sitting on his own, but he didn’t want to talk so the lady is talking to me now.’ He swished his feet again.

Nancy panicked; she didn’t want this man to think Jack was rude. She stuttered a little. ‘Sorry, um, he’s just not very good at talking to new people,’ she added hastily.

The man laughed and sat down on the other side of his son. ‘It’s not a problem, honestly.’ He smiled, and Nancy felt a twinge of attraction as he did. He had the most beautiful deep blue eyes. She was definitely an ‘eyes’ person, she was starting to realise. It was always something she noticed on people.

‘I take it you’re staying at this complex?’ He swished his feet in the water like his son and Nancy found herself smiling. ‘What?’ he asked, the smile spreading across his face.

‘You and your son do exactly the same thing in the water with your feet – the exact same movement.’ She realised she must sound like a right weirdo for noticing this fact, so she self-consciously added, ‘It was funny. And yes, we are staying here. Me, my son and my friend and her two little ones.’ She pointed over her shoulder and saw Harriet was back and sitting on the sun lounger next to Jack who still had his nose in the iPad. The guy’s face creased in confusion as he looked at them and Nancy added, ‘Her two are in the kids’ club. Jack, um, wasn’t too keen to go today.’

The guy smiled. ‘I don’t blame him; I think I would rather be out in the sunshine too.’ He gave Nancy another friendly smile and she couldn’t help but smile back. ‘I’m Cameron, by the way.’ He pointed at his son. ‘This guy is useless at introducing me to people. Call yourself my right-hand man!’ He nudged him and the boy giggled again.

Nancy found herself giggling. ‘I’m Nancy,’ she said as she shook Cameron’s outstretched hand. ‘My son is Jack and that’s Harriet, who is clearly listening to every single word.’ She pointed to her friend who looked up from her phone and waved, at which Nancy giggled again.

Harriet always managed to look stunning. Even now, her black swimsuit was styled in such a way that she looked like she was about to step onto the London catwalk and her hair was poker-straight, with not a strand out of place. Her designer sunglasses and a chunky necklace nicely finished the look. Nancy – on the other hand – had on her trusty swimsuit of the last two years, a deep shade of emerald, hair pulled up into her usual mum bun and zero jewellery on. She wasn’t really an accessories person. Simple and easy was her fashion style, if you could call it a style. Usually Nancy was comfortable in her own skin and was happy being the less glamorous one in their friendship, but she felt a tad self-conscious right now with Harriet looking so presentable next to her own Mrs Plain Jane look, as she was introducing this hot guy. Maybe she should make a conscious effort to dress up a bit more, look after her appearance now that Pete was well and truly off the cards.

‘I’m not, I just heard my name.’ Harriet poked her tongue out and Cameron laughed.

‘Nice to meet you guys. And this is Aiden.’ He tapped his son on the leg. ‘Right Mr, it’s time we made a move. We have a waterpark to go to.’

The little boy jumped up excitedly. ‘Yeah! Let’s go, bye!’ he called over his shoulder as he ran off to where his clothes and towel were.

‘It was nice to meet you, Nancy,’ Cameron said as he shook her hand again. ‘Hopefully I’ll bump into you again if you’re here for a while?’ Another huge smile, revealing a row of perfectly white teeth. He had one of those faces that instantly made a person feel relaxed and at ease.

Nancy nodded. ‘We only arrived yesterday.’

‘I’ll see you around then.’ He saluted and smiled before running off to where Aiden was. ‘Last one to the room has to pay for dinner!’ he called and Nancy could hear Aiden’s giggling again.

She pulled her feet out of the water to walk back over to Harriet, and she couldn’t help but smile.

‘Look at you all smiley. Does someone have a crush on the hot guy?’

‘Shut up,’ Nancy said as she plonked herself down onto the sun lounger.

‘I will not. I want to hear everything.’ She put her phone down.

‘I’m pretty sure you did – pretending not to hear and then making the rookie mistake of responding when we talked about you.’ She laughed and shook her head.

Harriet giggled. ‘I know! I could’ve kicked myself. But I didn’t hear everything; I was at the bar remember?’ Harriet picked up Nancy’s new sangria and passed it to her. ‘I think you’ve earned this.’

She took the glass, ‘What? For talking to some guy?’

‘Yes, for taking some time for you and enjoying yourself with a hot guy, something you haven’t done in I don’t know how long. It’s about time you forgot about that loser Pete and put yourself out there!’ She picked up her phone again and started tapping away.

‘Hari, I chatted to some guy, I’m not about to marry him. Or even date him. This isn’t an 18-30s holiday where I am looking to hook up and get my leg over. My marriage ended a year ago!’

‘Oh come on, you’re not exactly going to let Pete back in, are you? So why not explore your options?’

‘Hari, I am here for a holiday with my boy and my friend. Nothing else.’ She leaned back onto her sun lounger and pulled her sunglasses back down over her eyes. ‘And anyway, we’re too old for an 18-30s holiday.’

‘Hey! We aren’t that old! 32 isn’t old! 30 is the new 20!’

‘Still too old.’ She giggled and made herself comfortable. Just because she wasn’t going to act on anything with Cameron – didn’t mean she couldn’t fantasize about him.

She turned her attention to Jack who was still watching videos on his iPad. She hated how much time he spent on there but equally, she knew it was a source of comfort for him so she didn’t like to take it away. She shuffled on her lounger to be closer to him, placing her hand on his forearm. He looked up at her touch, his big blue eyes wide with interest. He slid off the head phones after pausing his video and waited for her to speak.

‘You ok, little man?’ She had really struggled with his meltdown earlier in the kids’ club but that must be nothing compared to how he must’ve felt.

He nodded.

‘Are you feeling a bit better now?’ She knew he didn’t really like to talk about it afterwards, but she tried anyway. He might change his mind one day, so she always kept trying. He shrugged. ‘What’s up? You feeling sad?’ Another shrug. ‘Didn’t you want to talk to that boy? He was just trying to be your friend.’

‘I don’t like it.’

‘What?’ she frowned. ‘The boy?’ No reply. ‘He was just being friendly.’

‘I don’t like it. I don’t know … he’s … I just don’t like it.’

She smiled at him. He looked so innocent, and with the sunshine beaming down onto his light blonde hair and making him squint just a little bit, he looked younger than his seven years. She didn’t know if it was just because he was her only child and because of the upheaval over the last year, but she felt so much more protective over him. He might be seven now, but he was still her little blue-eyed baby. She missed spending time together when life hadn’t always been so stressful. They had some great times together still, but a huge part of his everyday living – especially as he grew older and the social expectation of him – seemed to cause him more angst than happiness. She tried so hard to make his life easy, but she was still learning. It would take time, she knew this, but it was a hard pill to swallow.

She decided to change tactic. ‘What are you watching?’

‘A video.’ He seemed unsure. Nancy didn’t normally ask much about his iPad and what he was up to – mostly because she didn’t want to intrude on his down time and, if she was being honest with herself, partly because she was too stressed.

‘What’s it about?’

‘Building.’

Jack loved building programmes, and she smiled as she should have guessed that’s what he would be watching. She picked up her drink and shuffled closer to him. ‘Can I watch it too?’ she asked, hoping that he didn’t reject her. But instead he just shrugged and put his headphones back on.

She sat quietly with Jack as the video played, wondering how she was going to help him get through his life. Today had exhausted her and she feared that things were only going to get worse for them if she didn’t come up with a way to help Jack handle life better. She already felt like she had exhausted every avenue available to them to find solutions, strategies and coping mechanisms, but clearly there was a lot more work to do. Where was she to start? She wasn’t sure anymore.

As she rested her hand on his little back, she smiled at the fact that she couldn’t hear anything being said on the video, but at least Jack was letting her get close to him. It was a start. And everything has to start from somewhere.

Chapter 11

‘For crying out loud!’ Harriet slammed her phone on the counter and picked up her laptop.

‘What’s up?’ Nancy asked as she applied her make up.

They were both in Harriet’s room getting ready to go for dinner whilst the children were playing in Nancy’s room – the adjoining door left open so that they could keep an eye on them. Though children playing loosely translated to Harriet’s two playing and Jack sitting on the bed with his iPad. Standard practice now. Harriet’s two barely noticed Jack anymore.

‘Bloody work – as per frickin’ usual.’ She punched away at the keys as she logged into her laptop.

‘Was this holiday not supposed to be a break for you, Hari?’ Nancy raised her eyebrows and Harriet tried to not bite, because her stress level was currently at 98 per cent and she wasn’t about to take it out on her best friend.

‘I would love nothing more than to have a complete break from work but these idiots I employ seem to be incapable of making a decision without running it by me first!’

‘You know why that is, don’t you?’ Nancy replied as Harriet shook her head. ‘Because if it goes wrong, it’s their fault and you’ll fire them. If you take the responsibility of OK-ing something, it’s off their shoulders and onto yours.’

‘I wouldn’t fire them if it went wrong.’ Another eyebrow raise from Nancy. ‘I wouldn’t!’

‘Last year – Mr Yao?’

Shit. ‘Ok, well he deserved to be fired because his mistake was of epic proportions.’

‘And you were on your period,’ Nancy said under her breath, but Harriet heard.

She threw a pillow at her friend. ‘I was not! I am not that unprofessional!’

‘Hari, I know – I’m joking! Jeez!’

‘Sorry, I’m just a little stressed, that’s all.’ She turned her attention back to the screen and loaded up her emails and the spreadsheet for the company.

‘You are a good businesswoman – no one ever doubts that. You are the most successful woman I know and you work bloody hard for it. And it’s only because I love you that I am willing to overlook the fact that you invited me away for a girls’ holiday and have spent 90 per cent of our first two days here on your phone or on your laptop.’ Nancy didn’t move her eyes away from the mirror as she applied her mascara.

Harriet stopped and looked at her friend, a twinge of guilt settling into the pit of her stomach. ‘I know, I’m sorry. I just … need to make this work.’

‘It is working – your company won Essex Business of The Year last year after just four years of trading and you won businesswoman of the year. You’re totally smashing it, Hari; you just need to learn when to give yourself a break.’

‘Nance, if I gave myself a break, those awards wouldn’t have been mine. It’s because I work so hard that we got them.’

‘Being businesswoman of the year is great but what good is it if you don’t have friends or family around to share it with?’ The air between them because instantly tense at Nancy’s comment, which Harriet took as a reference to her husband leaving her. Andy walking out had been the biggest kick in the teeth after Harriet had spent years building up her company so she could be a valid, contributing member of the family. She’d done it for them – for all of them – but he’d never been able to see that.

‘Low blow, Nance.’

Nancy frowned but then the penny dropped. ‘Come on, don’t be over-sensitive, I didn’t mean it like that.’

‘Yes you did,’ Harriet said, punching away at her keyboard without looking at her friend for fear of her eyes betraying how much that comment hurt. And it hurt because she knew it was true.

Nancy swivelled round on her seat. ‘I didn’t, I didn’t mean it to come out how it did. I just meant you deserve a break after all your hard work.’

Now it was Harriet’s turn to swivel round. ‘No, you meant that because I worked so hard my husband left me and our children and I lost a shitload of friends in the process. If I could call them friends – can’t have been very good mates if they were willing to drop me the second I couldn’t go out every weekend because I was too busy earning a living.’ It was a sore subject and Nancy knew it. ‘It’s a cheap shot, Nance.’

‘Hey, my husband left me too! I’m not judging you for it!’

‘This isn’t a fucking competition, Nance – who has the shittiest husband!’ Harriet’s heart was racing now as she battled to keep the tears at bay. She didn’t do crying – it was a sign of weakness and she wasn’t weak. She was a lot of things – shit at being a housewife, a lame mother at times, a rubbish cook and a workaholic – but she wasn’t weak.

Nancy stood up and walked back into her room, slamming the door behind her.

Harriet sat for a minute looking at the screen of numbers and Excel spreadsheets trying to blink away the moisture that was filling her eyes. After a moment she slammed the laptop lid closed and walked into the bathroom. If she was going to do this crying lark, she needed to do it in the shower where no one would see her.

She threw the bathroom door shut and leaned onto the sink, looking at her face in the mirror. Her perfect hair was still in place and her outfit today screamed Milan catwalk, but inside she was broken.

She took a tissue and dabbed at the corners of her eyes where tears were threatening to spill over. ‘Damn emotions!’ she sniffed. ‘This is why I like business meetings – no fucking emotion involved. Just get the job done and get out. None of this stupid crying malarkey. I mean what is that about?’ She paused and looked at herself in the mirror again. ‘And this is why you’re single, Hari – you need to stop talking to yourself!’

She sat on the closed toilet seat and shut her eyes, taking a few deep breaths as her racing heartbeat slowed to a steady pulse. It wasn’t even that mean a comment from Nancy, Harriet had had worse said to her. The fact that she overreacted to this conversation didn’t go unmissed by her. But she was already feeling exposed about the situation and whilst most of the time she pushed all the thoughts and feelings associated with her ex to the back of her mind, occasionally they seeped out and consumed her. It wasn’t enough that she felt stressed and inadequate as a mum, she also missed Andy. A lot. She’d been devastated when he’d left but she’d masked her true upset. Now it was too late to reconcile with him as he had moved on and had nothing to do with Harriet or the children. That alone told her he wasn’t worth it – it didn’t stop her missing him though. Missing the times they’d had. Before the children and prior to Harriet starting up her own company, the two of them had had lots of fun together. They just weren’t strong enough to grow into adulthood together. And as for the friends, well, who needed loads of friends anyway? She had Nancy and the people at work, and they all understood. It stung when she stopped getting invited out to things, but she soon learned to get over it and concentrate on what really mattered. It was much easier to throw herself into work than to address why people didn’t want to be around her anymore. She didn’t like the person she had become – she didn’t need others telling her they felt the same too.

She shook her head and straightened up. Hissy fit over, she had some emails to send.

Chapter 12

‘Listen, I’m sorry about earlier. I was out of order and I shouldn’t have said what I did.’ Harriet waved off Nancy’s comment. ‘I didn’t mean it, you know, I just hate seeing you so worked to the bone – I don’t want you to burn out, that’s all.’

‘It’s fine, I shouldn’t have shouted at you. Just a bit stressed that’s all.’ The response was clipped, it clearly wasn’t OK.

Nancy speared a potato onto her fork ignoring the finality in Harriet’s voice. She couldn’t have things strained between them whilst they were away. ‘But that’s what I mean; you’ve been stressed for the last four years – when do you give yourself a break?’

‘A company doesn’t get off its feet if the owners want to take a break every five minutes. You get out what you put in.’ Harriet didn’t take her eyes off her plate, making herself look far too busy with cutting up her food. It was obvious she was doing it as a distraction.

‘Yes, true, but when the owner is sending emails from her hospital bed after having just had a baby, there’s got to be a line drawn, surely?’ Nancy remembered the day she visited Harriet after she’d had Tommy and was shocked to see her have a complete work desk set up in the hospital. Laptop out, phone next to it and a coffee on the side as Tommy slept in the cot next to her. The nurses must’ve thought she was crazy, Nancy sure had. ‘You were like a woman possessed; tapping away on emails with one hand, your phone going between your ear and your shoulder and I’m pretty sure you had a conference call at one point over the course of that day too. I mean, that’s just crazy. You have to learn when to stop and breathe.’

‘Are we really going to do this at dinner or can we enjoy it? I’m not working right now, am I? Yet you seem set on talking about work!’

Nancy was taken back by her abruptness. ‘I’m not having a go—’

‘Could’ve fooled me.’ Hari snapped back.

‘Hey! I’m just saying this because I care. Why don’t you take a step back for a second? You have employees working on stuff, you said yourself that things are quieter at the moment before your next big contract comes in – I don’t understand why you have to be going at 100 miles per hour every second of every day. It makes me tired just watching you.’ Nancy laughed to try and lighten the mood.

‘Can we just change the subject please?’

Nancy shrugged and continued eating her dinner. She certainly hadn’t planned to come away on holiday and row. It was supposed to be fun. Harriet was overreacting but there was no point in trying to talk about work with her whilst she was still in a mood. It was definitely something that Nancy was not going to give up on though. Harriet kept saying how Nancy had had a tough year and needed a break – the truth could be said about her too. She was just too bloody stubborn to admit it. But this was a conversation for another time, maybe after a few cocktails. ‘So what’s the plan for tomorrow?’

‘Waterpark!’ Isla shouted and banged on the table.

Tommy saw his sister do it and started repeatedly banging on the table in response. Isla giggled and joined in, chanting waterpark, waterpark, waterpark.

Jack clutched at his ears – Nancy had managed to pry his iPad and headphones away from him so he would eat something.

‘OK, OK, that’s enough you two. Look, you’re upsetting Jack.’ Harriet pointed to Jack and Isla looked over.

‘Sorry Jack,’ Isla said, and looked guiltily at Nancy.

‘It’s OK, sweetheart, he’s fine.’ Nancy hated it when other children’s fun was cut short because it upset Jack. He didn’t like loud noises, new people, being touched … the list of triggers was only growing, and she was becoming more and more aware of how difficult life was for him.

‘I’m up for the waterpark if you are Nancy?’

Nancy looked at Jack. He was never going to like it, but why should the others suffer because he didn’t want to go? Maybe he would try it – although she didn’t hold out much hope. ‘Jack?’ she said, placing a hand on his forearm gently so he knew she was talking to him. He looked at her with his big blue eyes. ‘Shall we go to the waterpark tomorrow? It will have slides and a swimming pool and it will be lots of fun.’

Already he was shaking his head.

‘Come on, just give it a try?’

‘I don’t like water.’

‘You don’t have to go in – just dangle your feet like you did earlier today in the swimming pool?’

‘When the boy came to talk to me.’ It was a statement rather than a question and Nancy felt a small bolt of elation as she realised he had probably taken more notice of Aiden when he came over earlier than he let on.

‘That’s right. That little boy was called Aiden. He wanted to be your friend.’

‘I don’t like friends.’

‘Of course you do – everyone likes to have friends.’

‘Not me.’ He picked up a piece of plain pasta and put it into his mouth.

‘Why not?’ Nancy pressed. She always tried to push conversations with him when he was in a talkative mood. She had no idea why he was so chatty tonight but she kept going, afraid that if she stopped, he would too.

He shrugged.

‘Because it’s OK to speak to new people. That’s how we make friends.’

‘But I don’t know who they are.’

‘That’s how we make friends, we get to know them. We can ask questions about what they like, and they ask us questions and—’

‘I don’t like questions.’

Nancy suppressed a groan. She hated it when he disliked everything she said, but she was adamant about keeping her happy face on – if he saw she was frustrated then he would just close off and she needed him to keep opening up or he would never make any progress.

‘But Mummy and I ask you questions and you answer us,’ Harriet said, decanting some more of her dinner onto Tommy’s plate.

‘But I know you.’

‘So you only like questions from people you know – not people you don’t know?’ Nancy asked, and Jack nodded. ‘I see.’ It was a small revelation for Nancy, but it felt like she’d got to know her son that little bit more just now and a spark of happiness sizzled through her body. He may be being difficult about the waterpark, but he was trying his best and that was all she could ask for. She would have to come up with a different idea. ‘If you guys want to go to the waterpark, Jack and I could do something else.’

‘We’re supposed to be doing stuff together though – we don’t have to go,’ Harriet suggested reassuringly. Isla was not impressed by this and began wailing at her mum. ‘Alright, alright, let’s see what time it opens and maybe we can go for a little while. What’s it called?’ Nancy shrugged. ‘Do we even know if there is a waterpark around here?’ Harriet frowned.

‘Yeah, that Cameron said he was going to one.’

‘Oh he did, did he?’ Harriet swooned. ‘Well, maybe we should find him and ask.

‘Trickles Waterpark.’ Jack said, not looking up from his iPad.

‘What’s that darling?’ Nancy asked.

‘That’s what it’s called – Trickles Waterpark. It is approximately 63000 square feet and has a zero entry pool, lazy river, lap pool, diving well, slide tower and tipping bucket play structure.’

Nancy stared at him, her mouth gaping.

‘It takes 1.2 million gallons to fill initially with a daily top off of 3871 gallons giving it a consumption ratio of 0.32 per cent.’ He looked up at Nancy. ‘How cool does that sound?’ His little face was beaming, he was in his element. Statistics, information and structures – he loved it.

‘Wow, Jack, you’re like a fountain of information about the waterpark.’ Harriet laughed and poured some wine.

‘Mum, it says here that the water park is open approximately 100 days per season with an average attendance of 1650 per day – that’s a lot of people.’

‘It is a lot of people,’ she agreed, unsure of how to play this conversation.

‘But actually, if it is 63,000 square metres, it might not be very crowded. People might not bump into me.’ He was talking to himself more than anyone else. He then gasped. ‘Mum, look.’ He showed her the tablet and it was a picture of the waterpark as a whole. It looked incredible. Splashes of vibrant colours snaked over the screen as the slides and water chutes intertwined. Some high, some low. Rainbow tunnels, various shaped pools, log flume and a beach scene. It looked like a child’s dream. She looked at Jack.

‘Wow, sweetie, isn’t it great?’ she tested.

‘Mum, look at the shape that one makes. It’s got right angles and obtuse. That one there looks about 110 degrees.’ He looked up. ‘I want to go.’

‘Really?’ She almost gasped the word.

‘Yeah, but I don’t want to go in the water, I just want to see the shapes.’

‘That’s fine sweetheart.’ Nancy looked to Harriet and raised her eyebrows as Jack resumed his research. She was starting to realise that with Jack, it was all about how you approached things.

Chapter 13

The waterpark was a hub of noise, colour and water everywhere. All the things Jack usually hated. Instantly Nancy regretted bringing him here as he hung off her arm, hands grasping onto her as a safety blanket. But she hadn’t forced him; he had told her he wanted to come, she reassured herself. She had tried her best this morning to prepare him for the type of establishment this was. But there was only so much she could say because she didn’t want to frighten him unnecessarily or make him feel worried. They had looked through his Calm Cards, at the building ones and he had spoken about what shapes and styles of structure he might see here today – but nothing could prepare him for the real thing.

‘Mum, too noisy,’ he squeaked. She could see he was trying really hard, but it was a little too much for his ears.

She pulled the headphones out of her bag and placed them over his ears. ‘Better?’ She gave him a thumbs up as she asked and he nodded.

‘Best purchase you’ve ever made, those, hey?’ Harriet asked, nodding at the green headphones.

Last night Harriet had apologised for being snappy with Nancy and the pair had agreed to let it go over a few pina coladas. Nancy still wanted to approach the work issue with Hari but only when things were relaxed again, she wasn’t pushing it. They still had a few more days to get through yet so she didn’t want to cause any friction. ‘Tell me about it. These ones are great; they’re like those ear defenders. I think he likes the feel of the pressure on his ears.’

‘Absolute godsend. Bless him. Isla! Careful honey, we aren’t ready to go in yet. Let’s find somewhere to put our stuff first.’

Nancy scanned the vicinity, looking for somewhere for her and Jack to sit whilst the others explored the waterpark. The sunshine was beating down brightly over the pool and today was incredibly hot. Nancy loved the heat, but she knew Jack wasn’t happy when he got too hot so she had to make sure she had lots of ideas in place to keep him cool. Firstly, she needed to find somewhere with some shade so he wasn’t in direct sunlight. As she looked, she came across an area which had a group of loungers and a small pool just for paddling. ‘Hari look, perfect! Jack can dangle his legs in there.’

‘Quick, grab it before someone else does.’

‘I’m not running,’ Nancy said, but it was too late, Harriet had bounced off, sprinting towards the loungers, her long legs stretching as her bright red kimono flapped around her hips.

A whistle sounded and Nancy glanced at the lifeguard who was staring at Harriet who had also turned round. He didn’t look happy and was standing up, pointing at Harriet. ‘No running!’ he called at her and Nancy burst out laughing.

‘Haha, Mummy just got told off by the lifeguard’, Nancy said to Isla who was staring wide-eyed at her. ‘It’s OK, she’s not in trouble,’ she added, as she saw the worry in her eyes.

‘Sorry!’ Harriet shouted as she raised a hand and then casually – but quickly – walked to the spot she was trying to save.

When Nancy reached her friend, she laughed. ‘Did someone get their wrists slapped?’ She put down her bag and grabbed a lounger, kicking off her flip flops so she could feel the cold tiles beneath her toes.

‘Still got the seats though, didn’t I?’ Harriet retorted, adjusting her floppy cream hat which would look stupid on Nancy, but Harriet totally pulled off.

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