Copyright

HarperCollinsPublishers

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Published by Fontana 1993

First published in Great Britain by

Angus & Robertson (UK) 1989

First published in Australia by

Angus & Robertson Publishers 1989

Text copyright © Edward Phillips 1989

Illustrations copyright © Tony Blundell 1989

Edward Phillips asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

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Source ISBN: 9780006379423

Ebook Edition © APRIL 2016 ISBN: 9780008191948

Version: 2016-07-19

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

The World’s Best Holiday Jokes

Other Books By

About the Publisher

The World’s Best Holiday Jokes

At a small seaside hotel, a young lady on holiday was sunning herself on the flat roof, clad only in a tiny bikini. Deciding that she might as well get an all-over tan, she glanced round to make sure that the roof was not overlooked and then removed her bikini. As she lay there on her stomach, the hotel manager suddenly appeared and said, ‘We don’t allow nude sunbathing up here, miss!’

Hastily grabbing a beach robe, the young lady said, ‘But surely no one can see me up here!’

‘That’s what you think,’ said the manager. ‘You’re lying on the skylight over the dining room!’

A couple of young holidaymakers were canoodling under the pier. ‘Darling, you’re one in a million,’ the young man murmured.

‘So are your chances,’ replied the young lady sharply.

Two men on holiday in Wales were driving home when their car broke down on a lonely country road. There was just one isolated farmhouse to be seen and they trudged across the fields and knocked on the door. It was opened by a very attractive woman in her thirties who told them that they would not be able to get their car repaired until the following morning. It turned out that her husband had recently died and she now lived all alone on the farm. She offered them dinner and a bed for the night. The two friends accepted gratefully.

A couple of months later, one of the two men received an official-looking letter. That night in the pub, he met his holiday companion and said, ‘Henry, do you remember the night our car broke down when we were coming back from Wales? And the farmhouse we stayed at? And that attractive widow?’

‘Yes, I do,’ said Henry, a little nervously.

‘Did you, by any chance, spend a little time that night in her bedroom?’

‘Well, yes,’ muttered Henry.

‘And did you, by any chance, give her my name and address?’

‘Yes, I did,’ admitted Henry. ‘But it was only a joke. I didn’t think you’d get upset about it.’

‘Oh, I’m not upset,’ said his friend. ‘It’s just that I received a letter from her solicitors this morning. It seems she died last week and left me the farmhouse and three thousand acres.’

An American on holiday in England visited the British Museum and was intrigued by a magnificent Egyptian mummy. ‘How old is this exhibit?’ he asked a guide.

‘Four thousand years and three months, sir,’ said the guide.

‘How can you be so exact about the age of a thing like that?’ demanded the American.

‘Well, sir,’ replied the guide, ‘the gentleman who donated it to the Museum said it was four thousand years old, and that was exactly three months ago.’

A lady went on a package tour of Europe which visited twenty-five countries in seven days. One day she found she’d missed four countries. She didn’t have a window seat.

A party of German holidaymakers was being taken on a coach tour through the English countryside. With Teutonic thoroughness, they checked their watches at each stop and complained bitterly if they were so much as one minute behind schedule. When the coach pulled up at one historic site, the guide announced, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is Runnymede. Under that historic oak tree over there, the famous Magna Carta was signed.’

‘Ven did zis take place?’ asked one of the Germans.

‘1215,’ replied the guide.

With a glance at his watch, the German exclaimed, ‘So! Ve haf missed it by seven minutes!’

A holidaymaker in Paris was dining in a restaurant when he noticed a fly in his soup. He summoned the waiter and, being proud of his knowledge of the French language, pointed to his plate and said, ‘Le mouche!’

The waiter glanced at the plate and replied, ‘Non, Monsieur – c’est la mouche.’

‘Good Lord!’ exclaimed the diner. ‘You French certainly have first-class eyesight!’

A husband and wife bound for a holiday in Majorca were waiting patiently in the airport lounge. Suddenly the husband said, ‘You know, darling, I wish we’d brought the piano with us.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ exclaimed his wife. ‘Why on earth should we have brought the piano?’

‘Because I’ve left our tickets on top of it,’ replied the husband.

The charter flight to Tangier had just taken off and the captain made his usual speech of welcome over the intercom. Then, forgetting that he had not switched off his microphone, and that all the passengers could still hear him, he turned to his co-pilot and said, ‘Take over for a bit, Bob – I’m so tired that all I’d like to do now is have a pint of beer and a quiet, relaxing session with that new blonde flight hostess!’

Back in the passenger cabin, the flight hostess blushed bright crimson and rushed down the aisle towards the cabin to warn the captain that his microphone was still switched on. One of the holidaymakers, a dear old lady, said sweetly, ‘There’s no need to rush, my dear – he won’t have finished his beer yet.’

A rather large and overbearing woman walked into a travel bureau with her meek-looking husband in tow. ‘We would like two bookings on a luxury cruise,’ she said loudly.

‘Certainly, madam,’ said the booking clerk. ‘Have you any particular requirements?’

‘Yes,’ muttered the husband. ‘Book us on separate ships.’

A furniture manufacturer from the North Country decided to take a short holiday in Paris. After a few days spent visiting furniture shops and exhibitions, he was sitting one lunchtime at a table outside a pavement café when a very attractive young lady sat down in the vacant chair opposite him. The man could hardly believe his luck, but it soon became apparent that the young lady spoke no English; and his French being non-existent, it seemed that nothing would come of the encounter.

Then suddenly the girl turned the menu over and drew a picture of a bottle of wine and two glasses on the back. The manufacturer got the idea at once and summoned a waiter.

When the wine arrived, the young lady drew a picture of a plate and a knife and fork on the menu, and the manufacturer promptly ordered dinner for two. After a truly splendid meal, the girl sketched a picture of a large double bed on the menu.

The manufacturer looked at her in amazement. ‘By ’eck!’ he exclaimed, ‘that’s amazing! How did you know I was in the furniture business?’

A family on holiday in the South of England paid a visit to Beachy Head. Mother and the kids sat on the cliff-top admiring the view. Father, carrying the haversack with all their picnic things, walked to the cliff edge and peered down at the sea raging hundreds of feet below. Little Johnny walked cautiously over to him and said, ‘Dad – Mum says will you keep further away from the edge or else give me the sandwiches.’

Two Scotsmen came down to London for a week’s holiday. On their first night, they walked into a very swanky restaurant in Mayfair. When the waiter came over to their table, one of them said, ‘We only have £5 to spend. What do you suggest?’

The waiter looked at them for a moment and then said, ‘Another restaurant.’

‘I shall always remember the day we first set eyes on the Grand Canyon. My husband’s face dropped a mile.’

‘You mean he wasn’t impressed?’

‘No. I mean he fell over the edge.’

Two young holidaymakers were sitting on the beach gazing out to sea. ‘You know, Bill,’ said the girl, ‘you remind me of the sea.’

‘Really?’ said the young man. ‘You mean I’m wild and romantic?’

‘No. I mean you make me sick.’

An Englishman was on holiday in Ireland. Feeling thirsty, he walked into a public house. There was no one there but a barmaid, polishing glasses. ‘I’m sorry, sir,’ she said, ‘but I can’t serve you. We don’t open for another hour. You’re welcome to sit in here and wait.’

‘Thank you very much,’ said the Englishman. He sat down in a corner and opened his newspaper.

A few minutes later, the barmaid came across to him and said, ‘Would you like a drink while you’re waiting, sir?’

A young man on a motoring holiday in the country was driving his car down a very narrow lane. There was a concealed bend ahead and, as he approached, another car with a large woman at the wheel shot round it on the wrong side of the road. The young man swerved on to the grass verge, and as the other car hurtled past the woman stuck her head out of the window and shouted, ‘Pig!’

Shocked, he yelled ‘Cow!’ at the top of his voice and drove on.

Rounding the bend, he ran smack into the biggest pig he had ever seen in his life.

Most people go on holiday to forget things. And when they arrive and open their cases, they find out just how much they’ve forgotten.

Frank decided to spend his holiday at the annual beer festival in Munich. On the first evening, he struck up an acquaintance with Ilsa, a charming young lady who very kindly invited him home with her to spend the night. The next morning, he was just about to leave when Ilsa said, ‘Herr Frank – haven’t you forgotten something?’

‘Pardon?’ said Frank.

‘You know,’ said Ilsa. ‘Isn’t there something you have to give me?’

‘Is there?’ said Frank, puzzled.

‘Mein Gott!’ screamed Ilsa. ‘My marks, my marks!’

‘Oh, sorry,’ said Frank. ‘Eight out of ten.’

An old Irishman had been on holiday in Lourdes. On his return home, he was stopped by the customs officer at the airport and asked to open his suitcase. The customs man pulled out a bottle and asked, ‘Now then, sir, what’s in this?’

‘Holy water,’ said the Irishman. ‘It’s just holy water from the shrine at Lourdes.’

The customs officer pulled out the cork and took a sniff. ‘This isn’t holy water!’ he exclaimed. ‘It’s brandy!’

‘Glory be to God!’ exclaimed the old Irishman. ‘It’s a miracle!’

Jim and Janet were spending their annual holiday motoring through the Lake District. At the top of a steep hill just outside a small village, their car broke down. Jim got out and crawled under the car to see if he could locate the trouble. After about ten minutes, Janet became impatient and crawled under the car to help him. The minutes ticked by and the two of them, in close proximity under the car, forgot all about the job in hand and turned their attention to amatory matters.

After about half an hour, locked in a passionate embrace, they were startled to hear an authoritative voice demanding what they were up to. They glanced up to see the village policeman and half the local inhabitants glaring at them.

‘Oh!’ said Jim. ‘We were – er – trying to fix the transmission.’

‘Well, while you’re down there, you’d better fix your brakes too,’ said the constable. ‘Your car rolled down the hill ten minutes ago.’

An unmarried middle-aged lady booked into a hotel in Brighton for a week’s holiday. Shortly after she had been shown up to her room, she rang down and demanded that the manager come up immediately. When he arrived, she said indignantly, ‘It’s disgraceful! I looked out of my window and there, in the room across the way, is a man taking a bath – completely naked!’

The manager looked out and said, ‘But, madam, that window is quite high – I can only see the top of the man’s head.’

‘Oh, yes?’ said the lady. ‘You just stand on this chair!’

Two passengers on a train bound for London struck up a conversation and discovered that they were both going on holiday. The journey was interminable, with frequent unscheduled stops and long waits at stations. Finally, many hours later, and very late, the train arrived at its destination. One of the two men breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Well!’ he said. ‘That’s the worst part of the journey over!’

‘Where are you bound for?’ asked his companion.

‘Hong Kong,’ he replied.

Two friends were bound for a holiday in the Mediterranean. One of them looked out of the cabin window of the aeroplane and exclaimed, ‘Good Lord! Look at all those people down there! They look just like ants!’

His friend peered over his shoulder and said, ‘They are ants. We haven’t taken off yet.’

A motorist on holiday in the West Country stopped his car and asked a local farmer, ‘Could you tell me how far it is to Exeter?’

‘Well,’ said the farmer, scratching his head, ‘it’s about 24,997 miles in the direction you’re going, and about three if you turn round and go the other way.’

In a holiday hotel on the South Coast, a large notice proclaimed: ‘Please do not insult our waiters by tipping.’ Close by was a small box, placed there by the waiters themselves. It was marked: ‘Insults’.

A woman on a holiday trip to the New Forest stood in awe in front of an enormous tree. ‘Oh, marvellous and ancient oak!’ she enthused. ‘If you could only speak, what would you say?’

‘Well,’ said the tour guide, ‘it would probably say, ‘Pardon me, madam, but I’m an elm.’

If you are going on holiday abroad and are thinking of learning one or two useful phrases in the local language, there is one you should be sure to memorize: ‘You forgot my change!’

A young man on vacation in France was travelling by train from Paris to Lyon. The train made an unscheduled stop and, thinking that they had arrived at the station, he gathered up his luggage, threw open the door and jumped out. As he disappeared down the embankment in a flurry of arms and legs, the guard, who was watching from his window, muttered, ‘C’est magnifique, mais ce n’est pas la gare!’

Sign in a French holiday hotel: ‘Guests which may entertain any desires during the night are advised to ring for the chambermaid.’

‘Where did you stay in Boulogne?’

‘At the Hotel George V.’

‘But the Hotel George V is in Paris!’

‘Is it? No wonder it was such a long walk to the beach!’

‘And what do you think of our Switzerland, monsieur? A beautiful country, is it not?’

‘Oh, I don’t know. Take away your mountains and your valleys and your lakes, and what have you got?’

A motorist on holiday in London parked his car in a prohibited zone. A policeman strolled over and said, ‘You can’t park here, you know.’

‘Why not?’ said the motorist. That sign says “Fine For Parking”.’

A tourist visiting Mexico noticed one of the natives dozing in the shade of a large tree. As it was the middle of a weekday morning, he said, ‘Don’t you have a job?’

‘No,’ said the Mexican.

‘Well, why don’t you get yourself one instead of lazing about all day?’

‘What for?’

‘So that you can earn some money,” said the tourist.

‘Why should I want to do that?’ asked the local.

‘So you could improve your standard of living. Then you could start saving.’

‘What for?’

‘Well, when you’d saved enough, you could retire and then you’d be able to take it easy and relax.’

‘That’s just what I’m doing now,’ said the Mexican, and promptly went back to sleep.

He: ‘Did you manage to pick up any Italian when you were in Venice?’

She: ‘Yes, I did.’

He: ‘Let’s hear some then.’

She: ‘He spoke English.’

A holidaymaker motoring to Wales arrived at the Severn Bridge in his very ancient and dilapidated old boneshaker. The attendant stuck his head out of the toll-booth, glanced at the vehicle and said, ‘£5 for the car, sir.’

‘Sold!’ said the motorist.

A fisherman on holiday in Ireland hired a local boatman to take him down the Liffey. ‘You’re sure you know this river?’ he asked anxiously as the boat moved rapidly along with the swift-flowing current.

‘Sure, I know this river like the back of me hand, sir!’ said the boatman. ‘I know every bend and current. And I know every rock in it, large and small!’

At that moment, the boat struck a submerged rock and shuddered violently. ‘You see, sir!’ cried the boatman. ‘There’s one of them now!’

Holiday visitor to Norfolk: ‘When I stayed here last year, there were two windmills. What happened to the other one?’

Local farmer: ‘There was only enough wind for one so we took it down.’

One of the attractions of the holiday resort was a ride in an aeroplane, a decrepit and none-too-safe pre-war biplane. A dear old lady who had never flown before decided to give it a go. She paid her £25 for the fifteen-minute flight and the pilot thought he would give her a treat. He put the plane through its whole repertoire, diving, spinning, turning, twisting and looping the loop. When they finally landed, the old lady, pale as a sheet, gasped, ‘Thank you for both of those rides, young man!’

‘Both?’ said the pilot. ‘There was only one.’

‘I make it two,’ said the old lady. ‘My first and my last.’

When vacation time came round, George decided to be really adventurous and visit America. His itinerary included a visit to an Indian reservation in Colorado. As he wandered around, he noticed an Indian riding a pony with his squaw trudging behind him carrying an enormous bundle. Indignantly, he said, ‘Look here, why doesn’t the squaw ride?’

With a look of surprise, the Indian said, ‘She got no pony!’

On a cruise to the West Indies, the husband was seasick every day. On the sixth day out his wife asked solicitously, ‘Are you going to try a little dinner tonight, dear?’

‘No thanks,’ he replied. ‘Just chuck it straight over the side and save me the trouble.’

‘How did you enjoy your holiday on the Continent?’ a little girl was asked.

‘It was very nice,’ she replied, ‘but I did get tired of being interested in everything.’

Two holidaymakers fell into conversation on the train to Worthing. ‘Have you been here before?’ asked one.

‘Oh, yes,’ replied the other. ‘I come here every year.’

‘What hotel would you recommend?’

‘Try the Imperial.’

‘Have you always stayed there?’

‘No, never – but I’ve stayed at all the others.’

Don’t go to Brighton for your holidays. Last year a little boy went down to the beach and he built a sandcastle. Ten minutes later, an attendant walked up and handed him a rates demand.

Two Scottish businessmen on a skiing holiday in Switzerland went out alone one morning, and due to their inexperience shot over the edge of a 100-foot drop. Luckily they landed in thick snow and their injuries were slight, but they were unable to move, and there was nothing for it but to wait until help arrived. They lay there for several hours and then heard the rescue party approaching. A voice shouted, ‘Hello! We’re from the Red Cross!’

Hurriedly, one of the Scotsmen shouted back, ‘We already gave at the office!’

A holiday visitor to London went into the Royal Academy of Arts Summer Exhibition. One of the attendants was standing beside a large, elaborate gilt frame. The visitor looked at it in disgust and sneered, ‘I suppose this is a typical example of so-called modern art!’

‘No, sir,’ said the attendant. ‘Actually, it’s a mirror.’

In the dining room of a large seaside hotel a waiter spilled a plate of soup over the jacket of a visiting holidaymaker. The waiter seemed quite unconcerned, but the manager rushed up and said, ‘A thousand apologies, sir! Let me take your jacket – I’ll have it sponged and cleaned immediately.’ The guest, somewhat placated, removed his jacket, and the manager hurried off with it.

The waiter, who had been watching the proceedings with a scowl on his face, tapped the holidaymaker on the shoulder and said, ‘Oy! You’re not allowed in the dining room without a jacket!’

An American was motoring through Ireland when he came to a level-crossing, one gate of which was open and the other closed. ‘Hey!’ he called up to the man in the signal-box, ‘why is the crossing only half open?’

‘Well, sir,’ the signalman shouted back, ‘we’re half expectin’ a train!’

A man on holiday in Spain sent a postcard to his psychiatrist. It read: ‘Having a wonderful time. Why?’

The scene: a holiday charter plane bound for the Mediterranean.

Nervous passenger: ‘Stewardess, why is this plane jumping and twisting all over the place?’

Stewardess: ‘Nothing to worry about, sir. The pilot just took his medicine and he forgot to shake the bottle.’

A holidaymaker was dining in a country inn when he noticed a sign on the wall which read: Ici on parle Français.’ He said to the manager, ‘It’s unusual to find an inn in the middle of Cumbria where the staff all speak French.’

‘What gave you that idea?’ asked the manager.

‘Your sign,’ said the holidaymaker. ‘The one that says “French spoken here”.’

‘Is that what it says?’ exclaimed the manager in surprise. ‘I bought it from a young chap who said it meant ‘God Bless This House’.

A Scotsman returned home from a holiday in London. That night in the pub he complained bitterly to his friends that his hotel room had cost him £15 a night. ‘I’ll bet it was worth it, though,’ said one of his pals. ‘I expect you had a wonderful time sightseeing.’

‘I did not!’ said the Scotsman. ‘I wasn’t going to pay that much for a room and not get the proper use of it!’

A young lady on vacation in the country took a walk in the woods one afternoon and came across a large reservoir. It was a lovely sunny day and the water looked so inviting that she stripped off all her clothes and plunged in. At that moment, a policeman appeared on the bank and shouted, ‘I’ve been watching you, miss – there’s a law against swimming in this reservoir!’

‘Well, why on earth didn’t you tell me before I undressed!’ shouted the girl indignantly.

‘Oh, there’s no law against undressing,’ said the policeman.

A holiday has been defined as the two weeks when a man stops doing what his boss tells him and starts doing what his wife tells him.

A man went to Italy on holiday and died of wine, women and song. He was serenading a married lady under her balcony and her husband came out and hit him over the head with a bottle of Valpolicella.

An elderly couple arrived in a holiday resort for a week’s holiday without having made any hotel reservations. They called in at the resort’s top hotel and asked for a room. ‘I’m sorry,’ said the receptionist, ‘but it’s the height of the season. We’re almost completely booked up – the only thing I could offer you is the Bridal Suite.’

‘The Bridal Suite!’ exclaimed the old gentleman. ‘But we’ve been married for forty-five years!’

‘So what?’ said the receptionist. ‘If I offered you the ballroom, would you have to dance?’

Tour guides in Europe are certainly keen on tips. They are the only people who can clear their throats in seventeen different languages.

A man was taking his very first holiday cruise and was spending most of the time draped over the ship’s rails – probably the first man to cross the Atlantic by rail.

A sympathetic steward who happened to be passing said, ‘Cheer up, sir – nobody ever died of seasickness!’

‘For God’s sake don’t say that!’ groaned the man. ‘It’s only the hope of dying that’s keeping me alive!’

A Texas millionaire took his wife on vacation to Miami Beach. The wife went down to the beach alone one morning and when her husband strolled down to join her about an hour later he noticed a large crowd at the water’s edge. ‘Say, what’s going on here?’ he asked.

‘They just pulled some woman out of the water,’ said a bystander.

Pushing his way through the crowd, the Texan saw that the woman was his wife. She was lying stretched out on the beach with a lifeguard crouched over her. ‘What are you doing to my wife?’ the Texan yelled.

‘I’m giving her artificial respiration,’ said the lifeguard.

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