CHLOE SEAGER grew up in East London with her Mum and much-loved cat, Katie. She studied English Literature and Drama at the University of East Anglia, where she sadly realised she couldn’t act, but did rediscover her love of children’s books.

Children’s Literature was one of her favourite modules, and it made her wonder why grown-ups ever stopped reading them. She now works with YA and kids’ books full-time. Chloe lives back in East London with her boyfriend and pet fish.

Copyright

An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2018

Copyright © Chloe Seager 2018

Chloe Seager asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Ebook Edition © August 2018 ISBN: 9780008221188

Contents

Cover

About the Author

Title Page

Copyright

Contents

Monday, 3 November

Tuesday, 4 November

Wednesday, 5 November

Thursday, 6 November

Friday, 7 November

Saturday, 8 November

Sunday, 9 November

Monday, 10 November

Tuesday, 11 November

Wednesday, 12 November

Thursday, 13 November

Friday, 14 November

Saturday, 15 November

Sunday, 16 November

Monday, 17 November

Tuesday, 18 November

Wednesday, 19 November

Thursday, 20 November

Friday, 21 November

Saturday, 22 November

Sunday, 23 November

Monday, 24 November

Tuesday, 25 November

Wednesday, 26 November

Thursday, 27 November

Friday, 28 November

Saturday, 29 November

Sunday, 30 November

Monday, 1 December

Tuesday, 2 December

Wednesday, 3 December

Thursday, 4 December

Friday, 5 December

Saturday, 6 December

Sunday, 7 December

Monday, 8 December

Tuesday, 9 December

Wednesday, 10 December

Thursday, 11 December

Friday, 12 December

Saturday, 13 December

Sunday, 14 December

Monday, 15 December

Tuesday, 16 December

Wednesday, 17 December

Thursday, 18 December

Friday, 19 December

Saturday, 20 December

Sunday, 21 December

Monday, 22 December

Acknowledgements

About the Publisher

Monday, 3 November

posted by EditingEmma 15.00

Not to be dramatic, but Everything’s. Going. WRONG.

These were supposed to be the ‘best holidays ever’. And yet…

I’m bored.

I’m so bored, I’m boring myself by talking about being bored. Even my own blog is bored of me. I can hear it sighing as I type.

I wish I had something more interesting to write about, but what do you do when your best friend (Steph) is off making her new and exciting relationship official, and your other best friend (Faith) is sunning herself in Madeira? I’ve run out of clothes to design, too. I cannot possibly make any more clothes!! I’ve designed ALL THE CLOTHES.

posted by EditingEmma 15.19

‘Andrew Morton is in a relationship with Stephanie Brent’. 11 mins

They did it, then. Huh. It’s funny… I knew it was coming, but somehow it’s still a bit strange seeing it. I sort of feel like my name should be up there.

posted by EditingEmma 15.32

‘Andrew Morton is in a relationship with Stephanie Brent and Emma Nash’.

24 mins

That’s better.

Steph messaged me:

Hahah! How did you do that?! Sx 15.29

Logged on and changed your name to ‘Brent and Emma

Nash.’ 15.29

Very good. 15.30

Now I’m bored again. Ughhhhh. I bet Steph and Andy are making out right now. I bet Faith is lying on the beach getting an amazing tan. This was supposed to be my new and shiny life!!! Where’s my new, super attractive lover? Where’s my exotic holiday?!?! How can all my friends be off doing cool and interesting things, whilst I’m just sitting here twiddling my thumbs?!??

Still, I suppose it’s an improvement on last term…

Welcome To My New Life

So, last term I was basically the most miserable, mopey human being on the planet after being ghosted by my ex-boyfriend Leon. I spent a lot of time moping on social media, THEN a lot of time trying to fill the Leon-shaped hole with other boys who just wouldn’t fit using social media, which turned out to be the worst idea anyone’s had since Garlic Coca-Cola.

BUT, as a result of all the drama that ensued, good things actually came out of it. I decided to stop stalking Leon (and his super-perfect girlfriend, Anna) and other boys and focus on myself, my interests and friends, and since doing that I have felt so much better about myself. It’s official. For the first time in a long time, I feel like a real, passable human being and am actually excited about things other than a new update from Leon. I’ve quit Biology, which I only ever really took because Leon was taking it (probably one of the worst and most pathetic decisions I ever made in my life). I’ve designed enough new clothes to dress a fleet of penguins (I’m not actually suggesting dressing penguins, but you get my point) and I’m having so much fun with my new fashion blog… (Even if Steph does roll her eyes every time I spend more than five minutes hashtagging.)

In terms of my friendships, I’ve created an ingenious new chat group for me and my pals called ‘Strengthening our Womanly Bonds’. It’s where we can post pictures of ourselves doing everyday things to keep each other in the loop. The more mundane the better. These things may seem pointless and uninteresting, to the untrained eye, but actually over time will bring us closer together and give new and fresh perspectives on each other’s lives… Like…before, I could always conceptualize Steph running a bath, or comb-straightening her hair, but now I actually get to experience it with her.

Faith actually left the group three times, but eventually I wore her down.

All in all, things are technically going OK, I suppose…

So why am I feeling so miserable?!

posted by EditingEmma 16.34

The Best Pal’s New Loved One

Thought about ringing Steph but managed to resist. Sigh. This time last week, believe it or not, me, Steph and Andy were INSEPARABLE.

OK, maybe not inseparable… I mean, I tried. I really did. I thought, if my BFF is going to be with this guy then surely we must be BFFs as well, right?! I guess I assumed that because we both love Steph, and Steph loves us, there’d be some sort of chain there. Like, by proxy, that must mean that I’d love Andy and he’d love me. But it seems as if maybe that’s not the case.

First, I organized this early Halloween celebration (on actual Halloween Mum made me go to a pumpkin-carving class to ‘check out the fit pumpkin carver’) so that we could start bonding ASAP. I dressed as Gandalf, because who wouldn’t want to be friends with Gandalf?

I was mega excited. Hanging out with Steph and her first proper boyfriend was to be a monumental landmark in the history of our lives. I documented it throughout the evening in ‘Strengthening our Womanly Bonds’. (This was actually the third time Faith attempted to leave the group; screenshot below.)

Faith Connelly

Why did you just send me a picture of your hallway? 18.31

And your street? 18.32

And your mum’s car? 18.35

And Steph’s street? 18.43

And Steph’s hallway? 18.45

PLEASE LET ME LEAVE THIS GODDAMN GROUP. 18.46

But weirdly, me and Andy didn’t slide as seamlessly into being BFFs as I thought we might… Here are some things I learned that evening, about hanging out with your best pal’s new loved one:

1) Watching Them Bond With Your Friend’s Family Will Feel A Bit Weird

I walked into the kitchen, where Andy was standing with Steph’s sister Jess, putting different flavours of popcorn into bowls. They were laughing together about something, and for a moment I felt this weird rage… Almost as if I was being invaded. Like…hey…that’s my Steph’s sister, not your Steph’s sister. What if the Brents like him better than me?!

It also felt kind of mature. Suddenly mine and Steph’s lives were flashing before my eyes, and we were ancient old women knitting each other spotted nose-warmers. It made me feel like running around the room waving my arms in the air…and also a little bit like mooning them.

Anyway, eventually they stopped their freakish bonding. I think they were distracted by my beard.

2) They Might Not Appreciate Your Costume Genius

In stereotypical boyish fashion, Andy had a plastic mask on top of his head and otherwise looked completely normal.

‘Oh hey,’ he said. ‘Nice…beard.’

‘Why thank you.’

‘I thought you were into fashion?’ he asked, genuinely.

3) They Might Not Appreciate Your Comedy Genius, Either

As I was trying to get to the bathroom, Andy was standing blocking the door. We did that awkward little bobbing-from-side-to-side thing trying to get past each other, until eventually I said,‘You shall not pass!’

He smiled, but it didn’t really reach his eyes.

The evening wasn’t terrible or anything, but I guess we just didn’t totally…integrate? A lot of the time it was just me and Steph laughing together, like how we normally hang out, but, er… With someone else in the room.

I spoke to Mum about it, and she said it sounded as if Andy might feel like a bit of a third wheel, because me and Steph are…well, me and Steph. So then I thought, all right, obviously I need to try even harder to make this work. The next day I ditched the Gandalf outfit as, clearly, he’s not for everyone. I organized bowling, shopping, a trip to the zoo…Hell, I even suggested horseback riding. I photobombed all their selfies. I made little matching bracelets. I bought t-shirts that said ‘The Three Musketeers!’ on them…

… But alas, when I accidentally bowled in the wrong alleyway, knocking down some kid’s pins (who then started crying), Steph creased up, but Andy seemed a little embarrassed. Steph wore her bracelet with pride, but Andy covered his with his sleeve. When they discovered me lurking in the background of at least 75 per cent of their pictures, Steph rolled around on the floor with laughter screaming, ‘It looks like you’re about to KILL us!!’, but Andy seemed somewhat puzzled and afraid.

Though our special t-shirts proclaimed a deep and meaningful camaraderie, it seemed as if neither of us were really feeling it.

Evidence: Making friends with your friend’s partner isn’t as easy as you might think.

I don’t want this to sound as if I don’t like him or anything. I do. He’s perfectly nice. But I just don’t want to spend all my time with him, and he definitely doesn’t want to spend all his time with me.

Eventually, Mum suggested that whilst ‘focusing on my friendships’ was a noble effort, perhaps it doesn’t always mean being together every waking moment, perhaps it sometimes means giving them some space. And whilst getting to know your best friend’s boyfriend is a necessary and worthwhile thing to do, perhaps we both needed some alone time with Steph too. I had to agree that this three-way relationship wasn’t working out, and we’ve since split Steph 50/50…which is totally fair.

I know now that Mum was right. Really, it was ridiculous that I thought we were going to be able to spend as much time together as we did before. Obviously they need alone time and given we spent a hundred per cent of our free time together, something was logistically just going to have to change (because despite what Mr Crispin said in my latest report, I can do basic maths).

The only thing is, when you’re used to spending all of your free time with someone and then you get left with half of it, no matter how fair it is…you are still left with a giant, gaping hole to fill, and a general sense of loss, misplacement and confusion.

I’m so lonely.

posted by EditingEmma 16.20

I never thought it would come to this, but…I’m even, dare I say it, a little bit tired of masturbating.

Hum diddly dum.

posted by EditingEmma 17.54

Yes! Found a brilliant distraction from my pathetic wretchedness. I was just walking past Mum’s laptop, completely innocently, on my way to get a banana from the kitchen and…it was open on a dating website. I couldn’t resist taking a look. (If she really wants me to ‘respect her privacy’, she’s going to have to at least close her tabs. I mean, come on.) It’s clearly a new site she’s joined as she hadn’t answered any of the questions. I decided to help her out:

How do you feel about meeting someone new?

• I’m ready for a new relationship

Too keen. Also she’s blatantly still hung up on her stripper ex-boyfriend Olly.

• I’m not looking for a relationship

Then why would you be on here? Go on Adult Friend Finder.

• I’d rather not say

That’s very cagey.

• Let’s see what happens

I’ve gone with this because it is the only response that is halfway normal.

Relationship status:

• Never married

• Separated

• Divorced

• Widowed

• I’d rather not say

What is it with this ‘I’d rather not say’ business? If anyone is actually ticking the ‘I’d rather not say’ option under ‘relationship status’, they should really just make a box for ‘married’. Because that’s what it means, isn’t it.

Children:

• Yes

• No

• I’d rather not say

Genius. I’ve clicked ‘I’d rather not say’.

Personality type:

• Adventurous

• Confident

• Easy-going

• Funny

• Generous

• Reserved

• Sensitive

• Sociable

• Spontaneous

• Other

Hmm… I suppose I could put ‘easy-going’ just to be ironic.

Now picking out hobbies. ‘Going to the doctor about various illnesses you don’t have’ isn’t on here so that’s pretty much half her life out. I checked salsa and t’ai chi. I was actually really proud writing about her business and her interior designing stuff, she’s done so well to start her own company… And to raise a child ALONE at the same time… I should probably be nicer to her. Probably.

The thought crossed my mind, thank God I’ve got fashion designing, now, because ‘internet stalking’ and ‘masturbating’ apparently don’t count as proper hobbies.

posted by EditingEmma 17.38

WE HAVE A MESSAGE. FROM ‘JOHN247’.

It says: ‘If beauty were a time, you’d be an eternity ;)’

To think, just thirty seconds ago I was so eager to read this message from this strange man. I feel dirty.

posted by EditingEmma 18.36

Mum stomped upstairs yelling, ‘EMMA! EMMA!’ as if I wouldn’t hear her.

‘WHY am I getting email notifications from strange men saying they’d be happy to give me a full body work-up? Or that I’ve clearly got a case of beautiful womanitis?’

‘It’s better your potential future partner knows about your hypochondria now, Mum.’

Then she launched into a lecture,‘You’ve got no respect for me, blah blah’. Rather ungrateful, if I do say so myself.

‘I was just trying to help!!’ I defended.

‘I don’t need your help.’

‘I think you do, Mum.’

‘I think you’re the one who can play full episodes of Pretty Little Liars in her head, without even turning on the TV.’

She had me there. Anyway, then she stormed off. Woops.

Evidence: Just because you’ve stopped looking for love yourself, don’t interfere in other people’s love lives. Lesson learned.

posted by EditingEmma 23.26

Nagging Thoughts

I’m trying to sleep, but I keep thinking about things. I know it’s completely, completely irrational, but… I feel kind of afraid. Steph’s beginning this whole new thing without me. This feels different to anyone else she’s dated (e.g. Jonno and his fascinatingly small head). It seems…more important somehow. Older. And in all honesty, I’m completely, selfishly terrified. I’ve put all my eggs in one basket and suddenly I’m being expected to share them. Andy’s eating my eggs.

The second thing is that damned, unrelenting thorn in my side: my horniness. I’m usually fine with masturbating but…I don’t know… Ever since being with my ex-boyfriend Greg (who I misguidedly dated to get over Leon, which, even though I did like Greg a lot, was an awful idea) I guess I’ve realized that even if boys can be a little bit…um…inexpert at aiding you with your horniness, they still, somehow, manage it just by being there, in a way that is somehow a bit more fulfilling than masturbation.

I know. More fulfilling than masturbation. Who knew?

So now, all I keep imagining is being with someone who is good at aiding you with your horniness, who is not you, and well…it’s a nice thought.

And a little bit incompatible with being alone.

I’ve tried to quiet my horniness by ignoring it. I really have. Sort of like how leaving a baby alone wailing in a room instead of holding it is meant to be character-building. But thus far my horn hasn’t shut up and developed a good, strong personality, it just keeps persisting louder and LOUDER.

The third thing is…UGH. I hate admitting this. The third thing is that even though I have stopped stalking Leon online, I have occasionally stalked him in my mind. Sometimes his name just comes into my brain. Or his face. Or a moment we had together. Just like one of those stupid montage videos they make of you and another person…but IN MY HEAD.

It’s not all the time or anything, but…it happens.

Anyway, this is most likely because I’ve been on my own a bit these holidays. Everything’s probably fine. I’ve got too much time to think, that’s all. Stupid thoughts!!!

Steph’s coming over tomorrow, thank God. I can stop thinking about myself for a bit and just listen to her talk.

Tuesday, 4 November

posted by EditingEmma 16.08

Steph’s Growing Up

Steph just left. I feel a bit emotional.

‘So how did it go with Gracie??’ I started, as she settled down on my bed. Given that Andy is not just any first-proper-boyfriend, he’s also our friend Gracie’s brother, it makes the whole thing slightly more complicated.

‘It was actually really nice,’ said Steph.

I nearly fell off the bed in shock. ‘Really nice?’ I repeated. ‘With Gracie?’

Gracie, My Ex-Frenemy

In amongst a lot of other antics last term, another massive thing to happen was my fight with Gracie. She did something which hurt at the time (i.e. posted my secret blog online and kind of ruined me getting back together with Leon…) but actually, her doing that made me realize just how not worth it Leon was and also that in focusing so much on my terrible love life, I’d failed to notice how terrible our friendship had become. We’re on much better terms now. The other day we all went out together and we didn’t snipe at each other once. (Apart from when she said mozzarella is the best kind of cheese, which is clearly wrong.)

Still, I must admit I’m surprised by her being OK with this. I wasn’t expecting Steph to make it out alive. But apparently, after Steph admitted that she really likes Andy, but said it didn’t have to go any further if Gracie had an issue with it, Gracie apologized to Steph for making her feel like she couldn’t say anything about it!

‘Sacre bleu!’ I said.‘Really?! That’s…so…unexpectedly simple.’

‘Yep…it was…’

‘Was?’

Steph went silent and buried her head in her hands. Then started rocking backwards and forwards on my bed. ‘Oh Emma. Then I RUINED it.’

‘What?! How? What did you do?!’

Steph took a breath and looked up. ‘So after we chatted, we hung out for a bit, and it was all really nice…’

‘Yes…?’

‘Then Gracie wanted to do some work and I said, cool, I’ll go. But then Andy messaged me to see what I was up to.’

‘Right…?’

‘So I said, well actually, I’m in the room next door. And he said…come see me. But by the time we’d agreed this, Gracie was already taking me downstairs to say goodbye and she’d been so nice about the whole thing and I didn’t want to make her feel awkward…so…’

‘So?’

‘So, um, I just sort of…panicked and left. And, um, walked down the street.’

I started laughing.

‘And then Andy was all, where are you? And I turned around and walked back up the street.’

I laughed harder.

‘And rang the doorbell. I thought Andy would answer, but, um…’

‘Oh NO.’

‘Yep. Gracie answered. She looked so puzzled. She asked me if I’d left something.’

‘Oh, Steph.’

‘I knowwwww I knowwwww. It would have been so much better to just tell her the fist time. And I said, um, hi Gracie, I’m here to see Andy. Oh God, you should have seen her face.’

I wiped a tear from my eye. ‘Oh, Steph. You idiot.’

‘I know I know I knowww.’

‘I thought you were so much cooler than that.’

‘So did I.’

After that, Steph marched into Andy’s room, told him she liked him and asked him out. He admitted that since the accidental kiss at Gracie’s birthday party she’s all he’s been thinking about, and then they kissed again. Non-accidentally.

1.) I still cannot believe Gracie is all right with this. It’s a miracle. I’m sort of expecting it to be a big ruse and tomorrow Steph will wake up with meat in her bed spelling ‘Judas’.

2.) I can’t believe Steph just asked Andy out. Just like that. How does a person develop that sort of confidence? I’m still developing the confidence to believe I might one day send a wink emoji in a ‘flirty manner’.

After a few hours Steph got up to leave.

‘Andy’s coming over to listen to some music, wanna join?’

I smiled.‘Oh, no, I’ll leave you to it,’ I said.‘Lots of pictures to edit and all that.’

Steph rolled her eyes. (She will never understand the work it takes to get lighting, filtering and captioning just right.)

I would have liked to go with her. But I got Steph all day. I know I should leave them alone for a bit, and go along next time.

posted by EditingEmma 18.31

I Will Never Be Insta-Famous

After Steph left, I tried to rally and focus a bit on my fashion blog/social media. Unfortunately, much like Steph, my mother does not seem to understand the work it takes to achieve quality posts either.

I came into my room and she had put laundry everywhere.

‘Mum!’ I called out. ‘Mum!’

‘What?’ She huffed into the room.

‘What is this?’ I asked, pointing at the laundry rack.

‘Those are your ridiculous sloth slippers, which you insist on keeping.’

‘No, not the sloth slippers. Which, by the way, are not ridiculous. Why are they drying in here?’

Mum blinked. ‘What do you want me to do with them?’

‘I don’t know. Put them in your room.’

‘My room has my laundry in it.’

I clenched my teeth. ‘Well, I’m afraid I don’t have space for this in here. It’s ruining my canvas.’

‘Your canvas?’

‘Yes.’ I pointed at the bit of white wall behind the drying rack. ‘Unfortunately, because my room is so pathetically small, that bit of wall is the only wall that isn’t covered in furniture, or an embarrassing poster from my misguided pre-teen years, i.e. the only wall remotely suitable for taking pictures of my designs against. And my laundry is now in the way.’

Mum nodded. Finally, I seemed to have got through.

‘Yes, I think I’ve got a solution,’ she said.

And she THREW MY SLOTH SLIPPERS OUT THE WINDOW.

I repeat. MY SLOTH SLIPPERS.

OUT. THE. WINDOW.

‘From now on you can do your own laundry,’ she said, leaving the room.

Great, so now not only am I still miles away from Insta-fame, I’m also sloth-slipperless and I have to do laundry. Sometimes the divide between the life I’m leading and the life I should be leading only seems to get wider and wider.

posted by EditingEmma 19.19

Took loads of pictures, posted them, got some likes. Standard. I was at a loss for what to do again, so I lay on the floor. It was then I realized that I’d never seen the ceiling from this angle before. And there was a crack in it I’d never noticed. Amazing. Fascinating, when you really think about it. I’ve lived in this room for what, sixteen years, and never seen it? How many other secrets does my old, familiar bedroom hold?

posted by EditingEmma 20.35

Mum came back into my room. I was still picking up various objects and looking at them from different angles.

‘…Why are you staring at that coat hanger?’ she asked.

‘Ah.’ I held up a hand. ‘To the untrained eye it may seem as if I am merely staring at a coat hanger. But really, I’m unearthing all manner of astonishing hidden truths about the universe.’

‘All right, well, sorry to disturb your enlightenment, but have you read this?’ she asked, holding up some mail from college.

‘Uh, what do you think?’ I said, not looking away from my coat hanger.

‘It says they’re doing a fashion show this year.’

‘OK,’ I replied.

Silence. She kept standing there.

‘Well?’ She tapped her foot. ‘Don’t you care? I thought you were focusing on your interests?’

‘I am.’

‘And I thought your interest was fashion?’

‘It is,’ I said. ‘But that doesn’t extend to giving up my free time to school. I’ve not had a brain transplant.’

Mum sighed. ‘Look, love, I know you’re feeling a bit lost…’

‘I’m coping,’ I said.

‘Yes, so it would seem.’ She glanced at the coat hanger. ‘All I’m saying is, this might help.’ She waved the fashion show leaflet at me.

I looked at it.

‘All right, I’ll think about it… Thanks.’

She left and I put my coat hanger down. For some reason I felt like I might cry.

posted by EditingEmma 22.37

Quite Predictably, Watching PLL

What’s wrong with me?! I usually love lying around re-watching Pretty Little Liars, but I just can’t get into it. I’m feeling really strange and unanchored. Mum’s right… I’m supposed to be focusing on my interests, but going through the same cycle of making clothes, photographing them and getting likes just doesn’t seem to be fulfilling me like it used to. I’m supposed to be focusing on my friendships, and all I’ve managed to do this holiday is photobomb Steph and her boyfriend, and spam my friends with pictures of me brushing my teeth.

And I guess…I guess I have to admit to myself…what I’ve really been trying to avoid thinking about…is that maybe… just maaaaaybe… it’s because I don’t have very many friends?

Aghhh. I don’t know… I’ve never been in this situation before, so it’s never really occurred. But it’s suddenly dawning on me just how few people I actually have in my life that I can call up and hang out with. How is it possible that just because Steph’s busy and Faith’s away, I have no one left?! Literally no one. How pathetic is that?! How do I only have two friends in the entire globe?! The entire globe of nearly eight billion people? TWO? Out of EIGHT BILLION?

Is that normal??!!

I’m Robinson Crusoe, sitting out on a tiny island all by myself. And no one’s coming to rescue me.

Wednesday, 5 November

posted by EditingEmma 12.07

PLL Inspiration

This morning continued in much the same way as yesterday. I got up, designed some novelty socks, posted a picture, got bored, put on more PLL. All the while feeling pretty sorry for myself.

It was then, watching a show I’ve seen so often I can genuinely mouth along with certain scenes, that I was hit with sudden inspiration. Right in the middle of watching the same suspects go round and round in and out of suspicion, I had a real, honest to God light-bulb moment. I felt like Thomas Edison himself, on the brink of a massive, life-changing discovery.

I sat up. It suddenly dawned on me… Yes, my entire life is the same TV shows. The same few people. The same activities. But it doesn’t have to be.

Obviously, I’m not going to stop watching PLL. But what I mean is, it suddenly occurred to me that focusing on my friendships doesn’t have to mean only pre-existing friendships. And focusing on my hobbies doesn’t have to mean just designing clothes when I feel like it.

All that I’ve been doing…it’s not enough. If I’m really going to change my life then I need to go even further. Drastic times call for drastic measures.

I know, I know, it’s not my first rodeo… But just because last term was a total disaster, doesn’t mean all my missions will go awry, right? Ladies and gentlemen… I think it’s officially time to begin work on some Brand. New. Resolutions.

posted by EditingEmma 12.29

New Resolutions

ARE. YOU. READY.

So, after A LOT of reflection on all the disasters from last term, I think I figured out partially where I went wrong. Stopping using the internet to torture/alienate myself and actually use it to connect was, in theory, a well-intentioned and worthy mission. However, I think limiting this only to ‘romantic’ connections was my main error… There are all kinds of connections a mere click away from me that are just waiting to be discovered!

This term, I am eschewing love with a firm hand, but I will continue to use the internet to connect, and to improve my life and me as a person. Behold, my new resolutions:

RESOLUTIONS

Spend even more time purely on myself and my own social media profiles.

I will do this by:

1)Not only stopping stalking Leon, but going one step further and actually never referring to him directly. Ever.

2)Not only by keeping on designing and posting on my new fashion blog, but also posting about…wait for it… THE UPCOMING SCHOOL FASHION SHOW.

Now that I’m done finding boys online, spread the platonic love.

I will do this by:

A) Devoting time and attention to my pre-existing pals, but also…

B) Using the internet to SEEK OUT A NEW ONE.

In conclusion, those hobbies and those friends aren’t gonna know what’s hit ’em!!!

posted by EditingEmma 13.09

Phoned Steph to tell her about my resolutions. At first she didn’t say anything. There was just silence.

‘Steph?’ I called. ‘Earth to Steph?’

She took a deep breath. ‘… I don’t even know where to start.’

‘Am I to understand you see flaws in my brilliant plan?’

‘Just a few.’ She sighed.‘OK. First of all, I thought you were going to stop stalking?’

‘Ah,’ I said. ‘Well, I was going to stop stalking Leon… But I never said anything about new buddies! I mean, is stalking for a good cause even stalking at all?!’

‘OK.’ I could practically hear her eyes rolling. ‘Next question. Never mentioning Leon. Like, ever?’

‘Who?’ I asked.

‘Aren’t you sort of giving him more power? Like Voldemort?’

‘No,’ I said.

‘You are. It makes him like this big, scary, lurking thing.’

‘Voldemort was eventually defeated.’

‘Only because Hogwarts faced him head on.’

‘Yeah, well, some wizards got through it by cowering under a bit of rubble. That can be me.’

Steph sighed again. ‘OK. Fine. Leon shall remain nameless from now on.’

I coughed.

‘I mean, You Know Who shall remain nameless from now on.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Last question. A school event?’

I paused. ‘Yes?’

‘A school event, Emma? You?’

‘All right, so it’s a little out of character… ’

Steph snorted.

‘… but I have sometimes gone to school events.’

So what if a large part of my attendance at My Fair Lady involved hypocritically mocking others for their lack of musical ability? I was still there.

‘I give it three weeks,’ Steph said.

I’ll show her! I’ve already emailed Ms Parker to sign up, and I’m about to get started on…

NEW PALS.

So the concept is a little alien to me and I can’t actually remember the last time I made a new friend… Or, er, how… But how hard can it be, right?! I mean, I have friends. I must have ‘made friends’ with each of them somewhere along the line.

Right…a new friend. A. New. Friend. Hmm.

Maybe for now, I should focus not on the how, but on the who…

And I know exactly where to start…

Hello, laptop, my old friend.

posted by EditingEmma 16.08

Emma’s List of New Bezzies

I’ve spent the last hour drawing up a list of potential new best friends for life, based solely on the Instagram/Twitter profiles of other girls at my college. I have to say…it’s a little bit weird being back here. Internet stalking, I mean. Although obviously it’s completely different this time. In many ways the threat of embarrassment has been completely removed, because there’s so much less that can go wrong. Having said that, it’s sort of harder in a way than when I was looking for a new boyfriend… At least with dating you can look at someone’s picture and know roughly whether or not you find them attractive. But that doesn’t matter with friends. With friends it is literally entirely about personality, which makes this challenging in a different way.

The pool of super-cool ladies seems almost impossibly big. Plus, whilst people put a bit about themselves online, I know from experience it can be a limited view. I mean, Faith posts all those pictures of rocks and twigs and stuff for her art class and we’re still friends. It’s hard to tell sometimes isn’t it?

Still, I’ve done the best I can, based on the somewhat patchy evidence, and drawn up a Top Three.

Kayleigh Spencer

Pros: She won some Maths trophy thing for our school, so she’s obviously very clever. She shares mainly pictures of cats, which indicates she’s warm and unpretentious.

Cons: Although I dig that she’s into Maths and cats, I struggle with even the most basic of mathematical concepts and I’m not really an animal person. Cats always seem to hiss at me. Will she sense that?

Anika Khatri

Pros: She seems fun. I can always hear her across the sixth form centre. Judging from her profiles she’s also an excellent dancer.

Cons: If she’s too fun, will she get annoyed by the amount of hours I spend on Netflix? Will she want to make up dance routines together? Because if so, I can say with absolute confidence this relationship won’t work.

Hannah Condom

Pros: Hannah is actually on the list purely on the basis that her last name is Condom. From this I figure that she must, surely, have had to develop a sense of humour.

Cons: I’m not sure I could resist constantly pointing out that her last name is Condom.

Having assessed the list, I’ve decided that Anika Khatri is the place to start. I can just picture it…us having a good old laugh together in the sixth form centre, engaging in constant chatter… People will be able to hear us from all corners of the school. Oh, what good friends they are, they’ll say. What japes we’ll have! What mischief we’ll cause! If I’m very quiet, I can almost hear our future bonding ringing in my ears.

Also, at parties if I stand near her whilst she dances and don’t move, people might assume I’m also good at dancing just by being near her.

My plan is to go through all of Anika’s profiles and collect as much information as possible, and see what I can use as a ‘conversation starter’.

posted by EditingEmma 16.58

Research on Anika

She has a big family. (Can I ask her about this? Compare to my tiny one?)

She recently went to Bali. (I’ve always wanted to go?)

She had a tooth out. (Ask if was painful?)

Hmm. I don’t know if I should use the tooth thing. That was six months ago and might give away that I’ve essentially been revising her life.

posted by EditingEmma 17.15

Something Awful Has Happened

No. No nonono nonononoooo. NOOOOOOOO.

Oh God.

NO.

How can my plan have gone awry already?!?! I only started this afternoon! And I haven’t even spoken to Anika yet!!!

I’d just completed my research. I was still on her Twitter, about three years back, when I had a sudden urge for a Jammy Dodger. As I was grasping for the Dodger, which was just out of reach, I slipped a little bit…and my other hand was still on the trackpad…

I accidentally clicked.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

For a moment, I thought, it will be OK. You just liked one of her old tweets. Standard. A bit embarrassing but I’ll just pretend it never happened, she’ll just pretend she never saw the notification and we’ll all move on. Maybe we’ll laugh about it in years to come when we’re bezzies.

But no. I didn’t just ‘like’ one of her tweets from the end of last year.

I RETWEETED IT.

Oh God. And it’s possibly one of the weirdest things I could have retweeted. It’s a photo of her ninety-year-old granddad, saying, ‘90 today, wow!! Happy Birthday, love you so much.’

Now Anika’s very old relative is just sitting there on my own profile. Baring his missing teeth in a grim smile, birthday hat tipped jauntily to one side, a glassy look in his eye, about to tuck into his little piece of cake.

I tried to delete it, but, of course, because the Gods of Sod’s Law love to taunt me…at that very moment my computer froze up.

‘Ctrl Alt Delete!!’ I screamed. ‘Ctrl Alt Delete!!!’

I waited for the computer to restart and raced back on, only to see that Anika had already been online. My heart sank. She’d already seen it.

What do I do now??!

posted by EditingEmma 17.18

He’s still there. It’s starting to feel distinctly creepy. Mum came in and said, ‘Why are you staring at a picture of an old man?’

His glassy eyes are boring into my soul.

posted by EditingEmma 17.25

Gave in and rang Steph again. I know she’s out with Andy today, but desperate times and all that.

‘STEPH,’ I said.

‘What’s up?’

‘I retweeted a picture of Anika Khatri’s grandfather.’

‘I…you what?!’

‘I retweeted a picture of her grandfather. Help! What do I do?’

I heard Andy’s voice in the background.

‘It’s Emma,’ Steph said. ‘She retweeted a picture of some girl’s grandfather.’

‘Oh great, let’s involve more people in this,’ I said.

‘Why?’ I heard him say.

‘Yeah, why?’ repeated Steph.

‘It was an accident, OBVIOUSLY.’

‘Why were you on Anika’s profile?’ Steph sounded baffled.

‘She’s number one on the New Friend List.’

‘Hang on, I’m just having a look…’

There was a silence.

‘Oh my GOD.’ Steph burst out laughing again. ‘You total WEIRDO.’

‘Steph, this is not helpful. Any advice on where to go from here would be much appreciated.’

I heard mumbling.

‘Andy says un-retweet immediately.’

‘What about you?’

She thought for a second. ‘I say…style it out.’

‘Style it out?’

‘Yeah. I mean, she’s already seen it. There’s nothing you can do now. Maybe if you just act like it’s totally normal, she’ll think it’s totally normal.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah. Ooh ooh, I know, you should retweet some more random stuff. Make her think you’re one of those people who just retweets EVERYTHING. You know, like Desperate Paul?’

‘You think that will work?’

‘Definitely.’

posted by EditingEmma 19.01

Right, I’ve just retweeted eleven other things on Anika’s account and I’ve been COMPLETELY indiscriminate. I’ve retweeted everything from old relatives to dance school stuff to how we should all be using Tesco bags for life.

Should I keep on going? 15.59

The more the better I think. S x 15.59

Feeling a bit calmer now. Hopefully, by the end of the day, I will have salvaged this potential relationship.

posted by EditingEmma 19.45

Emma’s New Friend, Part 1: Mission Failed

I don’t believe this!!!! Anika’s blocked me!! She BLOCKED me!!!

Rang Steph again.

‘Steph, she BLOCKED me!’

‘What?!’

‘She’s actually blocked me!’

‘How do you know?!’

‘It says to follow her, and I never unfollowed! That’s a textbook blocking!’

Steph started laughing again.

‘Steph! This is no laughing matter! Does she not know we’ve got a lifelong, rock-solid friendship ahead of us?!’

‘I guess not.’

‘I feel so deflated. I thought she was fun!’

‘Maybe you mistook loud for fun,’ Steph answered.

‘Or maybe I should never have followed your terrible advice,’ I scoffed.

‘Hey, you’re the one who RTed a picture of her granddad. I was trying to be supportive earlier but…there was really nowhere to go from there.’

She has zero regard for my humiliation. Oh my God, I don’t believe this. This is so embarrassing. Blocked by my new best friend. I thought this was going to be a breeze!

Evidence: Meeting new friends online is not necessarily easier than online dating.

Thursday, 6 November

posted by EditingEmma 11.09

New Friend Making: On Hiatus

I’ve decided that, today, maybe I should give ‘making a new friend’ a rest. Clearly I was unprepared for the potential threats that come with any kind of human interactions, not just the ones with kissing involved. I’m also trying not to bother Steph again today, because in ‘giving her space’ yesterday by not physically being with her, all I did was keep on ringing her instead.

Mum came into the kitchen.

‘Why have you got a face like a slapped arse?’ she asked.

‘I’m bored,’ I said. ‘Because I’m giving Steph space.’

I refrained from adding it was also because I got blocked for hounding some random girl at school with a well-intentioned but ultimately scary amount of notifications.

‘What about your other friends?’ asked Mum.

‘Faith’s on holiday.’ I shrugged.

‘Anyone else?’ she nudged. ‘Beginning with a G…?’

‘Gracie?’

Interesting…

‘I don’t know.’ I frowned.

Me and Gracie are definitely getting along better now, but still, I don’t remember the last time I hung out with her on my own…

‘If you’re really going to focus on your friendships,’ said Mum, all knowing, ‘wouldn’t that be the best place to start?’

I suppose I could message Gracie… In theory. Although, there are a lot of things one could do in theory. In theory I could climb a mountain. In theory I could watch something new, instead of starting Gilmore Girls yet again from the beginning. And we all know that’s never going to happen.

posted by EditingEmma 16.09

I Can Do This

Gave in when I started considering tidying my room as an actual possibility. Right… I can do this. I mean, last term I started conversations with boys I’d only ever seen around school. This term I plan on making friends with people I’ve never said a word to before (bar Anika Khatri, who we’ll put down as the inevitable ‘fist pancake’). Phoning Gracie, who I already speak to every day, should be a piece of cake… right?!

Right?!

Ughhh. Why am I so nervous?! This is ridiculous. I CAN DO THIS.

posted by EditingEmma 16.15

I Can’t Do This

When Gracie picked up the phone she sounded really, really baffled.

‘Emma?’ she asked as if recalling a distant memory, like when the old woman at the end of Titanic is looking at her belongings from the wreckage.

‘Yes, hello.’

Then I heard her dad say ‘Who is it?’ in the background.

‘It’s Emma,’ she said.

‘Emma?’ he replied.

‘Emma,’ she said again.

‘Yes, for God’s sake, it’s me, EMMA,’ I shouted. ‘It’s not like Willie Thomas is calling you.’

(Willie Thomas is a boy who stands really close to girls at school so he can loom over their breasts. He also mouth breathes.)

‘Ew, why would he?’

‘Well, that’s exactly my point.’

‘You rang to tell me that you’re not Willie Thomas?’

‘I… Forget it. What are you doing?’

‘Nothing much,’ she said. ‘Why?’

‘No reason. God! Why are you so suspicious?’

‘… I’m playing a board game with my dad,’ she said.

‘Cool. Can I come over?’

‘You want to play a board game? With my dad?’

‘Yes.’

‘Why?’

‘FOR GOD’S SAKE. I’M NOT WILLIE THOMAS.’

We got there eventually, but that was painful. We’ve arranged to hang out later… Oh God. What if it’s awful?! What if we have absolutely nothing to say to each other without Steph and Faith?! I must keep reminding myself… it can’t be any worse than some of the awful dates I went on last term. Right?!

RIGHT?!

posted by EditingEmma 17.45

Lingering on Gracie’s Front Path

I am not Willie Thomas. I am not Willie Thomas. I am not Willie Thomas. I am not Willie Thomas.

posted by EditingEmma 19.31

I Might As Well Be Willie Thomas

Well, that was uncomfortable.

I got there at five thirty and I’m home at seven thirty. That should tell you something about how awkward that was.

When I finally knocked on the door (after lingering on the path for a good fifteen minutes), Gracie opened it and looked a little bit surprised to see me.

‘Hi?’ she said, questioningly.

‘Hi,’ I said.

But she didn’t let me in.

‘We did say I was coming over, right?’ I asked.

‘Oh, yeah, right,’ she said, and finally moved aside.

I took off my shoes and we both stood for a while.

You could have heard a pin drop.

‘So, um, how are you?’ I asked.

‘Oh, good,’ she said. ‘You?’

‘Yes, good. I’m good.’ I gave a forced smile.

Silence.

‘So, um, this is the living room…’ she said.

I was about to point out that I’d been here A MILLION times before, but I didn’t, because then I’d actually have to come up with something else to talk about. So I just nodded.

‘Nice,’ I said.

And before I knew it, I was being taken on a tour of her house.

A TOUR OF HER HOUSE. A house that I basically GREW UP IN.

Eventually, we stopped in the kitchen.

‘So, this is the kitchen,’ she said.

Yes, I threw up in that vase, I thought.

‘Would you like a biscuit?’ she asked, holding out the tin.

‘Oh, no thanks, but thank you for offering,’ I said.

… No thanks?!

Thank you for offering?!

WHO AM I?!?!

I SO wanted the biscuit…but I was in this weird polite mode. As soon as I’d said no, I regretted it.

‘Shall we, um, play a board game?’ Gracie asked. I was still staring wistfully at the biscuit tin.

‘Er, yes, that sounds delightful,’ I said.

Delightful?

Then we went into the living room to play board games (which I let her win, obviously, because I value my life). It was all very…cordial. Almost stiff. Sort of like we were well-behaved Victorian children.

I guess nothing really bad happened, but it just never felt natural. I kept checking the clock and it wasn’t moving. Except it was moving, because I could hear it ticking. There were the kind of awkward silences you can actually hear and we had to keep reviving the conversation with small-talk CPR. The whole time I was thinking about the biscuit.

Eventually, her dad caught me raiding the biscuit tin with a crazed look in my eye. I gave some excuse about having to leave and quickly got out of the house.

Now I’m walking home in disgrace, pulling crumbs out of my hair.

Evidence: Friend dates can be just as awkward as romantic dates.

Seriously, I was nervous about this…but I really did think friend-dating would be easier!!! I mean, I know for a fact that Gracie’s not going to lunge at my face when I’m least expecting it, or attempt to cuddle me when I’m trying to consume snacks. The threat of teeth bumping has been removed. I don’t have to worry about whether my hands are sweaty or whether I’ve eaten garlic. And still, with all of that stuff gone, I can barely have a coherent conversation?! With someone I’ve known and hung out with nearly every day for five years?!

How is that even possible?!?!

Ugh, one failed attempt to make a new friend and one failed endeavour to hang out with an old one. This whole ‘spread the platonic love’ thing is NOT going as planned. Now I feel lonelier than ever.

Friday, 7 November

posted by EditingEmma 17.07

Faith got back from holiday yesterday, so we’re all going out to see some fireworks.

‘Do you know if Claudia’s coming?’ I asked Steph.

‘I asked Faith, she said it’s too soon.’

‘Eugh, WHAT.’

‘They have only been on two dates…’

‘But…but…I want to her meet her!’

‘I think your eagerness is only making it less likely.’

‘What?! I can be cool!’

‘Yeah, the twelve hundred pictures I have of you photobombing me and Andy really prove that.’

‘Point taken.’

‘Andy’s coming anyway, and a couple of his mates.’

‘Does that mean Meathead Babs?’ I asked, with trepidation.

‘Unfortunately, yes,’ she answered.

posted by EditingEmma 20.18

At the Display

Having so much fun watching the fireworks. At least I would be, if it wasn’t for Meathead Babs’ loud guffawing.

‘What is so funny about fireworks?!’ I whispered to Steph.

‘I have no idea,’ she said.

posted by EditingEmma 20.27

Mystery solved. Just heard Babs say on the phone, ‘No really, mate, they looked exactly like your jizz, that time we ate all that food colouring at Gav’s.’

posted by EditingEmma 23.37

A Breakthrough Moment

Back home now, and I think I might have actually had a breakthrough moment with Gracie!!

All evening, I thought I saw her looking a bit uncomfortable at times. My first clue was when Steph and Andy were in front of us, using a filter where Steph’s head looked GIGANTIC and Andy had four noses, and Gracie smiled but didn’t laugh. I mean, if someone isn’t laughing at face-contorting Snapchats, there must be something wrong.

Then I noticed she kept staring at her phone, not really getting involved in conversation. I was wondering what was up, and then I remembered it was probably the first time she’d been out with Steph and Andy together. I know she said she was fine with it, but it’s probably going to take some getting used to… I mean, if I’m feeling weird about this, it must be ten times weirder for Gracie.

THEN came the breakthrough moment. Faith was smiling goofily at her phone, at what I’m assuming were messages from Claudia. Meathead Babs was busy pretending to lick his hot dog in an erotic manner. Steph and Andy were taking a selfie. Just as I was about to jump into the perfect Emma-sized gap between their heads, I noticed Gracie looking a bit lost and small.

It was like everything went slo-mo. I knew I had a big decision to make. Continue to photobomb Steph, or go and actually be a good friend. Such…tough…life…decisions…

The camera clicked. Without me. (Obviously, I photoshopped myself in as soon as I got home, but I’m halfway on the road to recovery.) If I was really serious about making my friendship with Gracie work, I was going to have to try harder than one awkward game of Scrabble.

‘Hey, let’s go over here,’ I said, putting my hand on her shoulder.

‘Why?’ She practically jumped out of her skin. ‘Where are you taking me?’

‘I’m abducting you, obviously.’

‘Seriously, where are we going?!’

‘For the love of God, I’m not Willie Thomas!!!’

Eventually we got away from the group. She shrugged at me.

‘What’s going on?’ she asked.

I took a deep breath. ‘Are you OK? You know, about Andy and Steph?’ I gabbled.

She looked a bit taken aback.

‘Yeah. Fine. Why?’

‘You just seemed a bit…maybe not fine?’

She crossed her arms. ‘Did Steph send you? Are you going to go back and talk about how possessive and uptight I’m being?’

It was my turn to look taken aback.

‘What?! NO! I just thought you might be feeling weird, which would be completely understandable.’

Her shoulders relaxed a bit, then, and her face softened.

‘And it wouldn’t mean you were being possessive or uptight, or even that you weren’t fine with it,’ I went on. ‘It would just mean you were adjusting, which would be totally normal.’

She searched my eyes for a moment, as if looking for proof I was tricking her or something. Eventually she must have decided I wasn’t, because she said, ‘Well… OK. I guess it is a bit weird.’

I nodded like I knew. Which I absolutely don’t, because I don’t have any siblings. Would it be the same to imagine a friend dating my mum…? GROSS. NO. TOTALLY NOT THE SAME. GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ I asked.

‘I don’t know,’ she started cautiously. ‘Like, it’s nice in a way, I mean it would be nice if Steph came to our family events and things…’

‘That would be fun,’ I said.

‘Yeah. I mean…it will be nice for a while. But they’ll probably break up, right? And then what will happen? Will Steph still want to come round mine?’

‘Probably jumping ahead a bit.’

‘Yeah, but, it’s true, right?’

‘Well… There might be some potential awkwardness if they break up.’

Gracie sighed.

‘But I think that’s all it is…just awkwardness,’ I continued. ‘It wouldn’t actually damage your friendship with Steph or your relationship with Andy. Their relationship is their thing.’

Gracie nodded, but she didn’t seem convinced.

‘Is this what’s bothering you?’ I carried on. ‘Their potential break-up?’

‘No, I mean, there is that… But it’s more like… I don’t know.’

‘What?’

She chewed her lip.

‘I would never say this to Steph, so please don’t repeat this.’

‘I won’t.’

‘Do you swear?’

‘I swear!’

‘But you tell Steph everything.’

‘I won’t tell her, I promise!’

She paused.

‘What if I become less important to both of them, than they are to each other? That would be awful. I’d feel left out at home, at school… I guess, I don’t know, this relationship just invades my life from all angles.’

She put her head down, covering her face in rivulets of red hair. Suddenly I had an urge I’d never had before… To hug her. I mean, we’ve hugged before, but I mean really hug her. Squeeze her.

‘GRACIE,’ I shouted. ‘That is so not even a tiny, weeny possibility! Andy is your brother, your blood. Blood! Blood! BLOOD!’

‘Please stop shouting “blood”.’

‘And Steph is one of your best friends!’ I carried on.

She looked up at me, through her hair.

‘Don’t get me wrong,’ I said. ‘They’re going to have a, um, different bond with each other than they do with you. But not more important. No way.’

She looked at me all vulnerable and bushbaby-eyed.

‘Do you really think so?’

‘YES. Of course!’

She nodded.

‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘You know, I actually feel lots better.’

I thought about going for the squeeze-hug, then, but I thought it was still probably a bit premature. So I just linked my arm through hers and we went back over to the group.

‘What were you guys doing?’ asked Steph.

‘Oh, er… ’ I looked at Gracie, who stared back at me with pleading eyes.

‘Just checking out the cute hot-dog guy,’ Gracie finished.

Steph frowned, glancing at the hot-dog guy (who was in his fifties and sporting a handlebar moustache), but didn’t ask any more questions. She turned back to Andy.

‘Thank you,’ mouthed Gracie. And she smiled at me.

And now I’m in bed, still thinking about the talk and the smile and the fact she actually seemed better after our chat. I feel kind of…warm? About Gracie. Warm about me and Gracie. Huh.

Saturday, 8 November

posted by EditingEmma 11.07

I Don’t BELIEVE This

I just saw Crazy Holly posting about an email she’d got from the school, and how excited she was to try out her designs for ‘banana shoes’ in the fashion show.

I DIDN’T GET ANY EMAIL!

Rang Steph.

‘I don’t believe this,’ I said. ‘Did you see Holly’s post?’

‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘What do you think banana shoes means? Like, shaped like a banana? Or made out of actual banana?’

‘STEPH. Please focus on the matter in hand. I signed up for that, and I’ve not heard a peep!’

She laughed. ‘Chill out, Emma. They probably just missed you off by accident.’

‘Oh yeah sure, an accident. I can’t believe I finally put myself forward for something at school and I’m getting rejected. Rejected by teachers. Seriously, this really is an all-time low. This is psychologically scarring.’

Steph paused.

‘Maybe you just didn’t make the cut, Emma. I mean, when you’re competing against banana shoes…’

She is so unhelpful. Anyway, I’ve sent Ms Parker a strongly worded email. Let’s see what she has to say for herself.

posted by EditingEmma 13.15

Email from Ms Parker:

Oh, I thought you were joking. Have added you to the list!

P.S. Don’t even think about missing the first meeting.

It’s really no wonder ‘the youth of today’ are all struggling with their self-confidence, is it, when the people supposed to be inspiring and encouraging them show so little faith.

posted by EditingEmma 14.56

Friendship Progress

I have just officially received a message from Gracie. Not in ‘Strengthening our Womanly Bonds,’ but in our private thread.

Our private thread which has not had a message in it since eight months ago, when I asked her if she’d remembered her ingredients for FT, and she said yes, and I said please can I cut off half your avocados and use them as mine, no one will notice, and she said no.

So do you want to maybe come over later? 14.44

I’m still looking at the message sitting there. It feels like a message from an alien. But I’m going to say yes. I really, really hope it goes better than last time.

posted by EditingEmma 22.16

A Friendship Reborn

That was a very, very strange evening. But I think…I think it was good. I think it was really good.

When I first got there it was much the same as last time. We played board games and I continued to let her win. We made small talk. I was just starting to despair that we’d ever be properly at ease with each other alone, and wondering if that magical moment of closeness on Bonfire Night was just a one-off that had disappeared into thin air… When suddenly… it was like we sort of…reverted to our twelve-year-old selves.

We started flipping through some magazines and Gracie said, ‘Do you think I have weak eyebrows?’

I snorted.

‘Why, do some other eyebrows want to take it outside?’

She pointed at a picture of Cara Delevingne.

‘I’ll never look like her. My eyebrows are so wispy,’ she sighed.

‘Well…no,’ I said, ‘but it’s not really the eyebrows. It’s more like your other features and hair and skin tone and everything else about you.’

‘Draw me some eyebrows!’ she said, all keen.

So I drew some eyebrows on her. Then she drew some eyebrows on me.

We looked ridiculous.

‘What do you think?’ Gracie asked.

‘I think they look like two giant slugs trying to eat the rest of your face.’

Then we started drawing beauty moles on each other and did our hair all big and ending up taking pictures of ourselves in our underwear, pouting and pretending to be Victoria’s Secret models. As you do. Then we realized we look absolutely nothing like Victoria’s Secret models and so put the whole ugly incident behind us. But until that point it was really, really fun. I’ve not had that kind of pure, unadulterated sort of fun where time disappears and you’re just doing really pointless, silly things in…well…I can’t actually remember.

It was sort of like we both sensed we needed to go back in time to before we discovered alcohol, before body hang-ups, before boys and hormones and confusing feelings and just be Emma and Gracie. Emma and Gracie before all those things started getting in the way. It was kind of like…I don’t know, like we were redoing our entire friendship from the beginning.

When I came back in, Mum said, ‘Did you have a good time?’

‘I did, actually,’ I said.

She looked all smug and annoying. So I reminded her of the message from the ‘doctor’ she got all excited about earlier, who turned out in fact to be not a doctor but a self-professed ‘lurve doctor’.

Anyway, I feel sort of…giddy?! It’s like I’ve made a new friend, even though we’ve technically been friends for years.

Sunday, 9 November

posted by EditingEmma 21.14

Does Being A Good Friend Sometimes Mean Being a Bad Friend?

So Steph came over this evening… And I lied to her.

I’ve NEVER lied to Steph. Ever. I mean, there was that time she wore flares and I told her they looked good, when flares categorically cannot look anything but disgusting. But I’ve never properly lied to her.

We were just lazing around discussing what hairstyle Steph should try next (Steph and her sister are constantly changing their hair – at the moment she’s going natural Afro) when she suddenly said, ‘So, what were you and Gracie being so secretive about the other day?’

My brain froze. ‘Um…’

I couldn’t tell her we were only being secretive because we were talking about Gracie’s brother, and Steph is dating Gracie’s brother.

‘No we weren’t. When do you mean?’ I said, unconvincingly.

I really wanted to tell her what we’d actually been saying, but then I remembered my promise to Gracie and her pleading eyes.

‘Never mind.’ Steph shrugged.

Ughhhhh. What do you do when something that means being a good friend to one person, means potentially being a bad friend to another? Obviously I share everything with Steph and I don’t want to keep stuff from her, but this isn’t my thing to share.

It was hard, but I comforted myself with the fact that earlier on I bought her the best birthday present EVER. I got us tickets to the Women’s Premier League. I mean, I’ll probably have to stick pins in my arm to try to stay awake, but she’ll LOVE it. I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I give them to her.

posted by EditingEmma 22.04

The New Friend Plan: Step 2

Before Steph left, she said, ‘How are your resolutions going, by the way?’

‘Ah.’ I tapped my nose. ‘Funny you should mention. Only a few hours ago, I set the wheels of a brand new beautiful and everlasting friendship in motion. Just in time for the new term.’

All this week, I’d sort of been considering putting the friend mission to one side, seeing how well things are going with Gracie. But then I remembered how exposed I felt without Steph and Faith…just for a few days. A few days. What about when Gracie isn’t available, too? What about when it’s for longer periods of time?! I feel like relying solely on three people probably isn’t that different than two.

Plus, given that Steph and Faith are both in new relationships, and Gracie’s been making lots of new friends at her Cambridge prep study group, it seems like everyone else has their own stuff going on. And, well, I don’t.

Now that everyone’s adding more things and more people to their lives, I think I need to as well. Steph, Faith and Gracie are sewn so deeply through the fabric of my life that I don’t even know who I am when I’m not in the context of them. I’m slightly petrified, but I think it’s probably time I try to find out.

So, for now, I’ve decided put the Anika thing down to pure naivety. A youthful indiscretion, if you will. But now I know… if you want to be friends with someone, maybe don’t start off too intense.

Which is why it seemed sensible to choose this next person on my list. Hannah Condom. I don’t need to do tons of research to get chatting to Hannah – her surname is all the conversation starter I will ever need! Step two of the New Friend Plan is a go.

Emma Nash: Hi Hannah, I just wanted to say I’ve never truly appreciated before that your last name is Condom! What lolz. I wish I had a surname like that. And you’ll never forget to use one! X

That should do it. I bet we’ll be BFFs by the end of the week.

Monday, 10 November

posted by EditingEmma 08.32

Back To School

Deep joy.

posted by EditingEmma 13.15

I Will Never Be Friends With Hannah Condom

Oh my God. Something horrific has happened. And it’s only my first day back at college. And it’s not even lunchtime. I kid you not, actually horrific.

I was just getting a drink at the fountain when Steph came over to me.

‘Emma,’ she said. ‘Why is it going round school that you’re cyber-bullying Hannah Condom?’

I spat water all down my top.

‘WHAT?!’

‘Apparently you made fun of her surname?’

‘Oh my God.’ I put my head in my hands. ‘I wasn’t making fun of it. I said I liked it!!’

Steph smirked. ‘You like the name Condom?’

‘Yes!! It’s hilarious!’

‘Hilariously awful.’

‘It’s whimsical!’

Steph’s smirk became a grin.

‘Oh God. You believe me, don’t you?’ I said desperately. ‘I was being sincere!’

‘I believe you,’ she said. ‘Because I know you’re a total weirdo. But I don’t think anyone else will.’

Just then, I saw a bunch of girls heading my way. Hannah Condom’s friends.

Oh God.

They all started whispering in a huddle, then marched over to me.

‘Hey, what did you say to Hannah?’ one of them said.

‘I…’ I started.

‘She’s crying in the loos because of you,’ another said.

‘Oh God, I’m so sorry, I…’

‘At her last school the boys used to fill her locker up with condoms. They used to blow up condoms and write “Condom Head” on them, and leave them sitting in her chair.’

‘I’m so sorry to hear that, I…’

‘She doesn’t need that trauma again, OK?’

‘It wasn’t meant to be…’

But they’d started walking off.

‘Tell her I’m sorry!’ I yelled at their backs.

Then I turned to Steph, who was literally suffocating trying to hold her breath in from laughter. Once they’d reached a safe enough distance, she exploded into fits of snorting, raucous guffaws.

‘You…total…twat…’ she said, gasping for air.

I sat on the floor and buried my head in my hands.

‘Oh God,’ I repeated. ‘Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. Steph, what am I going to do?!’

‘Do you…have any…classes with…her?’ she managed.

‘No, thank the Lord!’

‘Well then…’ Her lungs sounded like they were about to collapse. ‘Just avoid eye contact…for the next year and a half… and you’re golden.’

Then I stood up, got some water in my hands from the fountain and splashed it on her. The shock seemed to calm her down.

Anyway, I think I can safely say that I will never be friends with Hannah Condom. I will never even be on remotely friendly terms with Hannah Condom.

Please can I go home now? Please???

posted by EditingEmma 19.06

I’ve Given Up

Just an official post to declare the friend mission is ABORTED. All day I had to stay well out of Hannah Condom etc.’s orbit. I did really well until after last bell, when I saw Hannah walking down the corridor. I started running in the opposite direction, only to bump into bloody Anika Khatri coming the other way. She gave me a look like I was a real freak and by the time I got past her Hannah had caught up, and she gave me a look like I was a mass murderer.

That is two out of three girls on the list I’ve not only failed to make friends with, but actually actively pissed off. How am I so terrible at this?! How do I have any friends at all? Was it all a fluke? Or was I just better at speaking to people, age eleven? Is that it now? Is all my friend-making done forever??! Oh my God. This is AWFUL.

Seriously though?? What happens when Faith goes backpacking? When Gracie gets a swanky job in New York? When Steph starts procreating with Andy? WHO WILL I TALK TO?!

Maybe I could convince Steph and Andy to let me live in their shed, if I promise to be very quiet and not to scare their children with my unwashed hair and glazed eyes.

Definitely not going in tomorrow. One day back was more than enough.

Tuesday, 11 November

posted by EditingEmma 08.36

Mum wasn’t a fan of the whole ‘I’m not going back in on my second day’ thing, so here I am. Sigh. It’s probably for the best. It’s the first fashion show meeting tonight and now that I bugged Ms Parker about joining, I’m definitely going to have to turn up.

posted by EditingEmma 16.01

So, I am currently at my first, official after-school activity. Waiting for Ms Parker to arrive to commence the voluntary captivity. I feel weird and not at all like myself, like Stefan Salvatore when he gets the taste for human blood after 150 years.

WHO AM I?

Anyway, this new, pod-person Emma, who stays at college more than thirty seconds after the bell rings, sat down next to Crazy Holly (who is also helping out with the fashion show). Holly carefully unwrapped a carved lemon from some tin foil and offered me a piece. I respectfully declined. Then she said, ‘So why are you here?’

‘I like making clothes,’ I said.

She nodded profoundly.

‘That’s what they told me to say, too,’ she said and winked.

WHAT AM I DOING?

posted by EditingEmma 18.07

Home

I can’t believe I’m saying this but…I think I might have actually…had fun? At school? At school when I didn’t have to be there?

For a while I watched people leaving out the window, going back to their homes, walking towards their freedom, and I felt quite wistful and helpless… Like I was the guy in Shawshank Redemption, wrongfully imprisoned for a crime and left to rot. I sort of had the urge to call out, ‘I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. I WANNA GO HOME!’ But then Ms Parker arrived and began chatting about the plans for the show, and it actually all sounded really cool.

There were about twenty-five of us and we went around the circle introducing ourselves and dividing out roles. I didn’t really recognize anyone except Holly, but the guy who sat next to me was nice. He had very ‘high-fashion’ hair and shoes and managed to look sort of preened in a way that I can never achieve after three hours getting ready, never mind after a day at school.

‘Hi,’ he said. ‘I’m Charlie.’

‘Hi,’ I replied. ‘I’m Emma. What teams are you going for?’

‘Design.’ He shrugged, as if there were no other answer.

‘Oh cool!’ I said. ‘Me too!’

Then he showed me a pair of paisley trousers he’d been working on and how he’d stitched the seam to be curved like the paisley. A cool trick, which I made a mental note to steal for future designs.

‘Did you make this?’ he asked, pointing to my top.

‘I did.’

‘I really like the buttons.’

‘Why thank you.’

It was SO NICE to be able to talk to people who were really interested in making clothes, too. As I explained my choice of buttons I waited for him to raise one eyebrow sceptically, or to shout ‘Why didn’t you use CHOCOLATE buttons’ and try to fit a whole pack in his mouth, like Steph did the other day. But no… He listened to me, explaining my choice of buttons, as if it were a legitimate and interesting thing to be speaking about.

This must be what Steph feels like when she’s with her football team talking about the offside rule, rather than trying to explain it to my unconscious, sleeping body.

Anyway, I volunteered for design and social media. Holly kept putting her hand up for every single team and eventually Ms Parker said, ‘Are you sure that’s not too many, Holly?’

‘I can handle the heat.’ She shrugged.

I’m actually really, really excited. If I get design team then I get to make fifteen outfits for the show and people will actually BE LOOKING AT MY DESIGNS. ON A RUNWAY. (Even if it is just some wooden planks cobbled together by Holly, that will probably collapse.)

When I was leaving Ms Parker said, ‘It’s really nice to see you doing something other than gazing out the window and nodding, Emma.’ And she smiled at me. It made me feel a tiny bit sickened at first, but then really happy. I like Ms Parker. And for once, she wasn’t exasperated with me!… Maybe she could be my new BFF?

Emma Nash @Em_Nasher

Would it be weird to make a friendship bracelet for a teacher?

Steph Brent @Brentsy

@Em_Nasher Yes

posted by EditingEmma 19.16

Sigh

So I know I said I wasn’t going to mention the unmentionable person, but looking back at that last post feels somewhat disingenuous, because, unfortunately, that very same unmentionable person walked in right in the middle of the meeting.

AGsdhhdjsnv~HSHDHHDHDHDHDH.

GAGH.

Ms Parker had just mentioned that people in lighting and set could ‘maybe’ use a strobe light, and Holly got so excited she squirted a bit of lemon into Willie Thomas’s eye. Willie was clutching his face and swearing and I was just googling ‘what to do when you get citric acid in your eye’, when he, oh nameless one, stumbled in through the door. Looking all flustered and messy-haired-but-in-an-annoyingly-good-way.

‘****,’ said Ms Parker. ‘Good, you’re here.’

‘Sorry, I…’ He caught my eye and looked away again quickly. I forgot how dark and round his eyes were. ‘I had to go see Ms Fray.’

My heart wrenched against my will. Ms Fray teaches him Biology, which he so badly wanted to do well in but was pretty dire at (I know, because I used to help him). He’d probably stayed behind because he was struggling with something. Ughhhh. My heart wrenched again as I remembered that was one of the horrible things I’d accidentally posted about him online.

‘That’s OK, sit down. Emma?’

‘What? There’s no room!’ I panicked. For some reason it crossed my mind that she was suggesting he sit on my lap.

‘Er…did you find anything?’

**** went and sat down on the other side of Charlie, who fist-bumped him. Are they friends? How is it possible that **** has a friend I don’t know about? Why have I never seen him on his Instagram feed before?! Boys baffle me sometimes. I’m a hundred per cent convinced that girls would never have such non-publicly declared relationships.

In the middle of this inner-rant, I realized everyone was looking at me.

‘Oh right, yeah,’ I stammered. Willie was still howling. ‘If the pain doesn’t stop after you’ve washed it, get some saline solution drops and keep putting them in.’

Willie looked like he was about to cry. Holly reached over and patted him on the shoulder, like he was just being a massive baby. I stifled a laugh and caught Leon’s eye as he smirked, and we both looked away again.

This is a bit of a spanner in the works for my not thinking about Leon resolution, to be sure. But I can handle it.

Wednesday, 12 November

posted by EditingEmma 11.15

Stupid Friends

At break, I sat down with Faith and Steph.

‘Guess what I did last night,’ I said.

‘What?’

‘Went to my first after-school activity.’

‘Cool,’ said Faith. ‘The fashion thing? How was it?’

I paused.

‘Faith, I’m not sure you heard me properly. I went to an after-school activity. I stayed at school longer than I was legally obliged.’

She blinked. ‘Congratulations?’

‘What?! Come on! This is big!’

‘I stay behind to finish my art projects all the time,’ said Faith.

‘I have football practice on Tuesdays and monthly matches on Saturday,’ said Steph.

I sighed. ‘This is just like becoming a pen-writer all over again,’ I said.

‘What?’

‘So in primary school, you know how you use pencils, and then graduate to pens?’

Faith shrugged. ‘Can’t remember.’

‘Well in our class it was a really big deal. The first pen-writer, Gail Wandsworth,’ I said her name with venom, ‘was treated like bloody royalty. Her pen was bestowed upon her like a knighthood and everyone clapped. And she was all, I’m Gail, everywhere I go I leave a trail of permanent ink that smells like roses and superiority. Gail… ugh. Then there was Polly Kendrick, and Dan Sharma…’

‘Are you going to go through your whole primary school class?’ asked Faith.

‘Shh,’ said Steph.‘I want to see the depths of her bitterness.’

‘And by the time it got to me, loser Emma Nash, pen-writer number fifteen, NO ONE CARED ANY MORE. Does my achievement mean any less because I got there a bit later? Do my successes not mean anything on their own? Must they constantly be compared to that of my superior friends and peers?’

‘You’re right.’ Faith patted me on the shoulder. ‘Well done.’

‘I just don’t feel like you mean it.’

‘Better show appropriate enthusiasm, Faith,’ said Steph, ‘You don’t want to end up like Gail, buried in a shallow grave with a pen stuck down her throat.’

Why do I bother?

posted by EditingEmma 13.55

Steph came with me to look at the fashion show sign-up sheet, to see what teams I’m on. I got social media and design like I wanted!! Score!!! Then Steph pointed at a name lower down.

‘LEON is doing it?!’ she shouted.

‘Yup.’

‘Agh, WHAT. WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME.’

‘It’s no big deal.’

‘It IS a big deal. AGH. That’s so ANNOYING. This was something you were just doing for you. And he has to ruin it with his stupid…annoying…presence!! Ugh, why doesn’t he just cheese off, seriously!!!’

‘Cheese off?’

‘It felt right in the moment.’

‘Don’t worry,’ I said, ‘he won’t ruin it.’

‘AGH!!! It’s so UNFAIR.’ She shook her fist at a passing Year 7.

‘Steph, really!’ I took hold of her fist. ‘I was a bit shocked and at first I was very…aware of him in the room…but after a while I just got on with it and forgot about him.’

‘Really?’ Steph peered at me.

See. I can’t lie to Steph.

‘OK, I didn’t totally forget about him. But I nearly did. I promise. He’s not going to ruin it.’

‘He’d better not,’ said Steph. ‘Remember this is something you’re doing for you and ONLY YOU.’

‘I’ll remember.’ I nodded. ‘Anyway, he’s doing set with C-Holz, so I’ll barely ever see him.’

‘They’re letting Crazy Holly do set?’ Steph exclaimed.‘Isn’t that a health and safety hazard?!’

‘Probably.’

She got distracted then, thankfully. Because I don’t think I was doing a great job of convincing her. But she really needn’t be worried. I’m definitely not thinking about him.

posted by EditingEmma 20.19

Why Is My Mother Incapable of Dating Men With Normal Jobs?

Mum came into the kitchen, looking a bit glamorous for a Wednesday night…

‘Where are you going?’ I asked.

‘Out,’ she said.

Expansive.

‘You’ve got a date?’ I prodded.

‘…Yes.’

‘With who?’

‘The nice man we met on Halloween.’

‘Oh my God, the pumpkin carver!!!’ I practically screamed.

Mum sighed. ‘His name is Graham. And he’s a vegetable artist.’

I stopped. I stared.

‘A what?!’ I repeated. ‘What the hell is a vegetable artist?!’

‘Must you be so obsessed with my boyfriends’ jobs?’ Mum sighed. ‘Can’t you ever just focus on their personalities?’

‘I will, once you go out with someone who’s an electrician, or a plumber, or in advertising, or sales… What about sales, Mum? What about a nice, normal salesman?’

‘I don’t want to date a salesman. I want to date Graham.’

‘Well then. It’s up to you. But I’m afraid I’ll have to keep referring to him as the Pumpkin Carver.’

‘Vegetable artist,’ she replied, through gritted teeth.

She left before telling me what that meant, exactly. I’m sure time will tell.

Thursday, 13 November

posted by EditingEmma 17.01

Friendships Take Actual Work: A Realization

So, in amongst all my terrible friend-making, I’ve been comforting myself with the fact that at least mine and Gracie’s friendship is totally solid now. Well, I was in for a rude awakening from the cold mackerel of truth. This afternoon I was sitting with her, giggling at ‘worst sex injuries’ on the internet (which I’ve got to say, doesn’t inspire me – the most clumsy person in the universe – with much hope for my future) when she said, ‘So, when are you going to start dating again?’

‘I’m not,’ I said.

She laughed.

‘What?’ I asked.

She realized I was being sincere then, and nodded in a way I imagine she thought was supportive.

‘Gracie,’ I said. ‘People don’t have to have a love interest to lead a worthwhile and satisfying life.’

‘I know,’ she said.

Silence.

‘People don’t. You do,’ she added.

And for some reason, even though it’s completely a comment I would usually expect from Gracie, it sort of stung me out of nowhere. I’d foolishly let my guard down, because I think somehow I thought our relationship had just… I don’t know…magically transformed over the holidays. But no, here we were, just the same people as we were last term.

After she said that she went back to the laptop, as if nothing had happened, and I sat back feeling grumpy and childish. I decided to ignore her until she noticed and then go to lessons. But, clearly too enthralled by genital piercing mishaps, she didn’t notice me ignoring her… And during this time, I had time to cool off and assess my options. I thought…

1) I can carry on ignoring her

2) I can snipe back at her

3) I could actually say something

1 and 2 are definitely how I’ve spent my entire life with Gracie, up until now. I took a deep breath. I so badly wanted to walk off and scribble ‘Gracie is a butt’ over my work all afternoon (it’s very therapeutic). But I thought about my resolutions. If I wanted things to change, I was going to have to change them.

‘Gracie.’ I broke my silence (that she hadn’t yet noticed). ‘I feel like we need to chat.’

She looked up from her screen. My heart started thudding.

‘About what?’

‘Um, important relationship stuff.’

‘Oh,’ she said. ‘All right…’

She leaned back in her chair, looking at me expectantly.

I continued. ‘It’s just… Er.’ Oh God, this was hard. I swallowed. ‘I know we’re all good now and that’s great, but I feel like we can’t have a fight, clear the air and then just move on. I feel like maybe we need to talk about how we’re going to change our relationship, otherwise we’re just going to fight again. And clear the air. And fight again. And it will be an endless cycle of fighting and air-clearing until we have no air left to clear. Our friendship will be trapped in an airless room and die.’

‘Uh huh,’ she said, looking at me like I’d just put on a hat in the shape of a pineapple.

‘Right.’ I ploughed on regardless.‘So I’ll go first, then. I feel like…sometimes you unnecessarily make me feel like I’m being weird. Like just then. And it’s mean.’

‘Ooookay,’ she said.

‘There!’ I shouted. ‘You’re doing it again! Talking about our relationship is not a weird thing to be doing!’

She sighed. I waited.

‘All right,’ she relented. ‘I don’t think you’re weird, but this makes me feel…uncomfortable. I don’t really like talking about this. So maybe it’s a defence or something, I don’t know.’

‘GOOD!’ I yelled, doing a little dance. ‘Progress! Get it all out in the open, Gracie!’

She paused.

‘But then sometimes I do think you’re weird.’

‘Point taken. Your turn.’

‘All right, um, hmm. OK. I feel like sometimes I can’t say stuff around you because you make everything into a joke. It makes me feel like everything I say is being mocked. You never take me seriously.’

Just as she said the word ‘seriously’ she looked all pouty and I reflexively pouted back at her. She huffed and crossed her arms.

‘Oh, I see, this is one-way criticism.’

‘No, no, I’m sorry!’ I yelped. ‘It was my facial muscles. They just do silly things on their own. I do take you seriously!!’

She nodded.

‘All right, you go.’

I took a breath.

‘OK. I feel like…whenever something bad happens to me, you react in a way that makes the whole thing seem worse. Like, OH MY GOD THAT’S AWFUL, and then I feel ten times worse…like you’re rubbing it in, or something.’

She paused.

‘I feel like, that’s actually me being genuinely sympathetic. Because if half the things that happened to you last term had happened to me, I’d be mortified.’ She shuddered.

I know I found my mum’s Tinder profile, had a date where literally the only five words spoken were ‘Do you want a Minstrel?’ and accidentally went out with a thirteen-year-old, but really, does she need to shudder?

‘See! You just did it, just then!’ I shouted.

She sighed. ‘It looks like we’re set in our ways.’

‘No, come on, we can do this. Um… Maybe we could make a signal? So, you know, whenever I don’t take you seriously, or you make me feel unnecessarily weird, we could, erm…hoot like an owl?’

She looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

I hooted like an owl.

‘Our signal is not going to be an owl!’ she whined.

I kept hooting.

‘Stop it! What about…looking at our phone?’

‘Bit confusing. What if I genuinely need to look at my phone?’

‘OK. Blink three times?’

‘That’ll do, I guess,’ I conceded.

Silence.

‘… I still preferred the owl, though.’

Evidence: Friendships take just as much work as romantic relationships.

Anyway, I feel like this was an important moment for us. For me. Instead of going away feeling like I’d chewed on Crazy Holly’s snack bag of lemons all afternoon, we’re actually ok. It just takes…effort?

Maybe I should start making an effort with more things…Like, contouring my face. Or eating super foods.

Then again, slow and steady and all that.

posted by EditingEmma 16.39

Damnit!

Aghhh. I’m SO annoyed at myself. I said that I wasn’t going to let Leon… I mean, Oh Nameless One…affect me. But here I am, the first after-school designing session for the fashion show, and what is he doing?

Affecting me.

I came in to start working on a shirt (blue/green silk, buttonless, flowing) and, lo and behold, he was in the room. We made eye contact as I came in and he immediately left.

His friend Charlie came in a minute later.

‘Hey, have you seen Leon?’ he asked.

‘He left.’

Charlie frowned. ‘Oh. I’m sure we said to meet here. Hey, amazing material, by the way.’

‘Thank you,’ I said absently.

And I shouldn’t have let it, I know, but it kind of bugged me. Because then all those familiar thoughts started creeping back in. What’s he thinking? Why did he leave the room? Was it because of me?

How is it fair that as soon as I’ve managed to kick stalking him online, he starts getting constantly shoved in front of me IRL?

Well, I refuse to dwell on this any longer. Maybe he left the room because it was too awkward. Maybe he left the room because he wanted a sandwich. It makes no difference to me.

Friday, 14 November

posted by EditingEmma 11.15

The ‘Race’ (That Apparently I’m In Without Even Entering) Was just sitting around with Gracie when she suddenly said, ‘I guess Steph’s going to win, then.’

‘Win what?’ I asked. Had she entered some kind of competition I didn’t know about?

‘You know,’ said Gracie.

‘No, I really don’t.’

‘You know.’ She raised her eyebrows.

When I didn’t respond she sighed, and said, ‘She’s going to lose her virginity.’

‘I…what? How is that winning?!’

‘Well, she’s going to be the first one.’

I paused, stupefied.

‘… Do you mean winning against all the rest of us?’

She looked at me like I was really, really dumb.

I blinked three times.

‘I’m sorry, I just refuse to believe you haven’t thought it.’

‘I honestly, swear to God, have never thought about it like that.’

Gracie sighed.

‘All right fine you’re an oblivious loser, but you’re still a loser.’

This is confusing to me on so many levels. Firstly:

• Different people are ready at different times. So does my ‘race’ begin from the moment I’m ready or the moment that my best friend is ready? Surely that would be like starting off Usain Bolt about a year behind everyone else on a track and calling it fair?

• Or is this not about being ready at all? But then does that mean you’re just supposed to do it, even if you’re not ready? Why would that be winning? Surely doing something you don’t want to do just for the sake of it is actually losing?

• Even if someone is ready to lose their virginity, they still have to find someone else to lose their virginity with, which seems purely circumstantial to me. I can’t just order up someone I like enough, who likes me back (and I did learn this the hard way).

• Surely this would all logically entail that people who’ve had sex are superior to people who haven’t. I’m just not sure this makes any sense. At the end of the day it’s really just a bodily function, with two people involved instead of one. Or is it the fact that someone else wants to have sex with you that makes you superior? But in that case, all we’d have to do is walk into any old seedy club and I’m sure there’d be hundreds of creepy men there willing to have sex with any one of us.

I showed this list to Gracie. She just shrugged.

posted by EditingEmma 13.19

Can You Tell If Someone’s A Virgin Just By Looking At Them?

Gracie seems to think so, because she keeps staring at Steph and saying stupid things about her appearance being virginal or non-virginal.

‘Look at that walk,’ she said. ‘That’s definitely a non-virgin walk.’

I looked at Steph, walking across the sixth form centre.

‘It’s not,’ I said.

‘Well for one thing, she’s strutting.’

‘Steph always struts.’

‘Nooo.’

‘Yes.’

‘No way!’

‘Yes, you just never noticed before because you didn’t used to analyse her every move.’

‘Look at the way she bites into the cookie!’

I looked again.

‘She’s hungry.’

Gracie fixed her eyes on Steph and furrowed her eyebrows.

‘But then again, that was a very virginal sneeze.’

‘Oh for God’s sake. She’s still a virgin, all right.’

‘Was it the sneeze?’

‘NO.’

‘Well how do you know?’

‘I just know.’

‘How?’ Gracie needled. ‘I’m going to need solid evidence.’

‘Solid evidence like a sneeze?’

She shrugged.

‘I just KNOW, OK.’

‘All right, all right,’ she said.

We sat in silence for a moment.

‘But she’s got a distinctly ex-virgin glow,’ she added in quite a disturbing voice.

I didn’t say anything else so that she’d leave it alone. Because the truth is… I mean, now that she’s said it… I actually don’t know whether Steph’s had sex or not. I mean, I’m pretty sure she hasn’t. But I don’t know for definite. Ugh, I don’t want to admit that!! I don’t want to admit there’s a possibility she might have had sex and might not have told me, because we tell each other everything.

EVERYTHING.

She definitely would have told me, right?! She would have discussed with me, if she was even thinking about it?

RIGHT?

posted by EditingEmma 17.07

Must Leon be EVERYWHERE?! Even When He’s Not Technically In The Room?

Just did my second designing session for the fashion show. Thankfully, this time **** was nowhere to be seen…but his friend Charlie was. He started talking to me when I came in.

‘Hey, can I ask your opinion, Button Queen?’ he said. ‘These or these?’ He held out two kinds of grey buttons.

‘Uh…’ I said.

It was really nice being asked my opinion about a fashion thing, and I did want to talk to him about it… But also what popped into my head when he spoke to me was, I wonder if Leon’s spoken to you about me? I wonder what you know about Leon right now, that I don’t? etc., etc. And it’s unfair of me, I know, but even speaking to Charlie is a little bit of a reminder of the person I would much rather forget.

‘Those, I think,’ I eventually answered and sat down at my station.

I’m not usually stand-offish, but if I’m really going to stop thinking about Leon, fraternizing with his friends just isn’t going to help. I must maintain a safe distance from all things Leon. I mean ****.

Saturday, 15 November

posted by EditingEmma 18.03

Why Did I Sign Up For This, Again?

So, as part of my role on the social media team, it’s my job to create the event for the show. And now, sitting and staring at the blank event, I’m wondering why on EARTH I volunteered for this.

‘Steph! Help me!’ I shouted on the phone.

‘Uh huh.’

‘What do I say on the event description?’

‘Umm…’ I could hear her chewing on something. ‘Be super chill and casual. Like you’re doing this really fun thing people can come to, but ultimately you don’t really care whether anyone comes or not.’

‘OK. Got it. Chill and casual.’

Hey you crazy cats. Some of us have been making some cool clothes and it would be great if you came to see our show. Or Not. Whatever. No pressure.

Rang Steph back, and read it out to her.

‘“Crazy cats”?’ she repeated. ‘Crazy cats?! Since when do you live in the Fifties?’

‘I was going for off-the-wall,’ I said.

‘Hmm, works for Crazy Holly, because she legit doesn’t care…not so much for you.’

‘All right all right, what else needs to go?’

‘Um, ALL of it.’

‘All right, fine, clearly I can’t do casual. I’m going for heartfelt.’

Hello, everyone. We’re working really, really hard on this fashion show, and it would mean a lot to us if you came down to see the fruits of our labours. It’s for a good cause, so please think of the children.

‘Sounds vaguely threatening,’ said Steph.

‘All right, well…’

‘And a bit intense.’

‘OK, I’ll…’

‘And what is fruits of our labours? Now you sound like you’re in the nineteenth century.’

‘Oh my God, I GIVE UP. How does anyone write these things?!’

‘Look, you’re overthinking it. Go again. You’ll get there. I BELIEVE IN YOU.’

Come to our super cool fashion show…

‘Hello, Desperate Paul.’

Join us for a night of fun…

‘Exactly what Mr Morris would say.’

Be there or be square…

‘Oh my God, Emma. I’ve stopped believing in you.’

posted by EditingEmma 18.10

It took three hours but I finally concocted a casual and fun-sounding event description (no thanks to Steph). Now I just have to ‘invite’ people.

Oh my God. There are about five hundred people to invite.

Hovering over the button…

Done.

… And now there are literally five hundred people invited and one ‘attending’.

Me.

OH MY GOD. What have I done?! Why didn’t I prepare?! Why didn’t I have Steph on standby to click attending immediately

Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.

Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес».

Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию на ЛитРес.

Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.