I Need You

JANE LARK

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First published in Great Britain by HarperImpulse 2014

Copyright © Jane Lark 2014

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Jane Lark asserts the moral right

to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue record for this book is

available from the British Library

This novel is entirely a work of fiction.

The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are

the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to

actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is

entirely coincidental.

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Ebook Edition © October 2014

ISBN: 9780007562244

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Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Praise for Jane Lark

I Need You

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Author’s Word

Bonus Material

Title Page

Chapter One

Also by Jane Lark…

Also by Jane Lark…

Jane Lark

About HarperImpulse

About the Publisher

Praise for Jane Lark

"Jane Lark has proved what a writing talent she really is. This is an engrossing and telling read…. Be prepared to have your heart squeezed!"

BestChicklit.com

"An amazing book. It is dark and edgy yet flirtatious and even made me laugh. It’s such a combination that made me not want to put my kindle down at all."

After the Final Chapters

"Dark, gritty and wholly mesmerizing, I Found You is a haunting and compelling read you will not easily forget!"

Bookish Jottings

"Emotional, romantic, and heartbreaking."

Imagine a World

I Need You

Guilt can eat away at you, but love can cut like a knife…

Wanting his best friend’s girlfriend is a cliché Billy knows well – it’s the tightrope he’s walked for years.

But now Jason and Lindy have broken up and Billy can’t help but be there for the girl he’s loved from afar for so long. She’s hurting.

Fighting to find a road to the future, Lindy’s heart hurts. She’s trying to escape the truth, but Billy keeps making her face it – and it’s ugly. How can she keep living when it feels like everything around her is made of glass and it could shatter at any moment?

Her one constant is Billy. Only, rebound isn’t his style and when Lindy starts to see him in a different light, he just can’t trust her. He’s no one’s second best.

Chapter One

Billy

Jason’s hand gripped my shoulder as we walked. “I’m glad you agreed to this. It’s cool we’re talking again.”

Glancing sideways, I smiled. I felt good. We’d had a few beers, talked and the world seemed a lot better. We hadn’t talked for months but he’d texted earlier and said, “Rach had the baby. A boy. We’re calling him Saint. And, Billy, I need someone to go wet his head with… I want it to be you.”

I’d wanted things to be right for half the months we hadn’t talked; I was glad he’d made a move to fix it.

Stars pin-pricked the black sky above. But the street lamps lit the ground white and smothered the true splendor of the night sky. Out at the lake you could see millions, not thousands, of stars. They were up there, just hidden by the brighter, closer, streetlamps, and yet if you were in space, each star was a sun, and it would be loads brighter.

Jason swayed and his fingers gripped my shoulder firmer for a moment, before falling away.

We weren’t that drunk, although I was drunk enough to be into philosophy––and I’d definitely had too many to drive, so we were walking home, and laughing like we hadn’t laughed since we were kids.

“The store.” Jason pointed over the road, like he announced The White House, on some tour bus journey.

I laughed. The store was his dad’s. Nope. Jason’s now. His dad had signed the business over. He’d been telling me all that shit earlier.

“Hey, why don’t we go in and steal the spray paint, like we did when we were kids.” Jason’s words slurred together a little.

“’Cause you’d be stealing from yourself and we aren’t kids.”

He laughed. “I’ll never forget Mr. Dent’s red face when he charged out of his house…”

“And you had to do it to your dad’s neighbor. The guy knew us, there was no getting away.”

Jason grinned. “That guy shouldn’t have taken my ball hostage.”

“You’re an idiot.” A surge of the camaraderie we’d shared for years hit me as I looked over at the store.

A figure, a woman, sat slumped forward a little on the steps. “Shit! Jason! There’s someone over there!” I looked left and right, checking the street was clear, then crossed.

“Shit.” Jason ran past me. “It’s Lindy!” His ex-fiancée, my ex one-night-stand, and the reason we’d not spoken for months.

Her head came up and her body swayed. She looked sick.

Pity, need and anger kicked my gut. I loved and hated her.

The bracelet on my wrist felt like it tightened, like a rope pulling me in her direction, with an urgency that pissed me off. I’d done enough chasing, but my stupid fucked-up heart refused to let her go.

Jason squatted down next to her, his hand on her shoulder. “Lind, are you okay?”

She wasn’t. She was wasted. She’d had more to drink than either of us. Her head rolled on her shoulders.

She turned away from Jason, gripped the step with her hands, and threw up.

Attractive.

She and I had fallen out partly ‘cause of her drinking. She’d stopped being herself.

She retched. Jason rubbed her back.

I stood there with my hands in my pockets, watching, like I’d always done. The leopard I’d had inked on my chest sank its claws of jealousy into my skin.

I still craved her. I hadn’t spoken to her in months, but I still craved her. My best friend’s girl had been my secret addiction for years.

“Lind, is someone coming to meet you? Have you got a ride home?”

When she stopped retching, she took a breath, wiped her mouth on her sleeve then glared at Jason. “Just fucking leave me alone! Don’t touch me!” That was the other reason she and I had parted ways, as friends. We’d never really been anything else, but finally I’d given up on even that option––because when Jason had finished with her, he’d opened up her vicious streak. It could hit at anyone, anytime.

Jason lifted his hands, stood up and stepped back. “Okay. I’m not touching you. But you need to get home, and you’re in no state to get there.”

I stepped forward, my hands slipping out of my pockets. “Lindy, it’s Billy…” I touched her shoulder, but her arm swiped out to knock me away. “Get off me, you’re no better. Just leave me alone!” That wasn’t an option.

I squatted down.

“I’ll call her dad,” Jason pulled his cell out of his pocket.

Great, her dad; a cop was not gonna be thrilled. This didn’t look good.

“We’re gonna help you. Jason’s calling your dad.”

Her gaze turned to me but she was too drunk to focus. “Don’t call him.”

I saw the cogs of thought shifting in her eyes as she realized I was with Jason. “We haven’t got a choice, we’ve been drinking, we can’t take you home.”

Her face screwed up. “Why?” She pointed at Jason, who talked into his cell a few feet away.

“Yeah, Mr. Martin, we just found her, she’s down at the store. She’s drunk.”

She was probably so drunk she’d need her stomach pumped. I’d never seen Lindy this bad. “Lind, how did you get down here?”

She mumbled something but I didn’t understand it.

Jason came back over. “Your dad’s on his way.”

“Go away, Jason! Just fuck off and leave me alone!” Last time I’d seen her she’d been drunk and swearing at Jason.

She tried to stand.

She’d have fallen and smashed her head if I hadn’t caught her. It was no state for a girl to be in. Hell, it was no state for anyone to be in.

She pushed me away and turned to be sick again. Jason came close to help her instead. But she shoved him away too. “You don’t care! Just go away!”

But he did care, and I cared.

We looked at each other.

I felt like shit. The girl was beyond helping; she’d got hurt and broken, and it was like she was unfixable.

“Lindy, I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry I did…” Jason tried to help her again.

She curled up on the steps, lying on them, her face buried in her crossed arms, looking isolated, even though we stood there.

It cut at me.

Jason straightened up and his hands slipped into his pockets.

I squatted back down. “Lind, it’s okay. Your dad’s coming. You’re gonna be okay.”

She didn’t look like she’d ever be okay, though.

I rested a hand on her back. Her body jerked like she sobbed her heart out, but she wasn’t making a sound.

I looked up at Jason. He pulled his cell out of his pocket. “I’m gonna call Mom, she or Dad can come and pick us up. Rach will get worried if I’m any later.”

His wife had bipolar disorder and I’d never seen a guy as protective of anyone as he was of Rachel. I couldn’t imagine what that must make Lindy feel. She’d been engaged to him until a little over six months ago––then he’d met Rachel.

The guy had back-pedaled at ninety miles an hour. Within two months he’d dumped Lindy, got married to Rachel, and she’d had a kid on the way. That was the baby’s head we’d just been wetting.

Shit. Guilt punched my chest. Maybe I’d been disloyal. My fingers brushed back Lindy’s hair.

She was too difficult, too angry, too judgmental, too everything. That was why I’d given up on her. But she’d been dating Jason for years, and in all those years we’d been friends too. We’d gone to college together.

Jason talked on his cell, walking a few feet away. I guess he’d told Rachel we’d found Lindy.

Tonight had been about a new start, drawing a line on the past, so Jason and I could move on, but we couldn’t when Lindy was like this.

A siren screamed in the distance. It got closer. Shit. I stood up. Jason looked at me and said something to end his call, then slipped his cell back in his pocket.

The cop car sped up Main Street. Its wheels screeched when it pulled up on the parking lot.

Great. Her dad was angry.

The driver’s door opened and Mr. Martin stepped out.

“What’s been going on, boys?”

Jason answered, “We were walking home, Dwayne, and Billy spotted her on the steps––”

“You don’t know what she drank?” Mr. Martin walked over.

I moved out of the way.

Lindy’s parents had used to be really social; we lived in a small town, everyone knew everyone, but I hadn’t seen them for months,

Jason looked down, his gaze scanning the parking lot near Lindy. “There’s nothing around to say she’s drunk anything.”

Her dad squatted down and touched her shoulder. “Lindy?” I’d thought the way he’d pulled up, he’d be shouting at her, but his voice was more concern than frustration.

Jason and I had encountered his temper as kids, the day we’d stolen that spray can. It wasn’t fun.

“Lindy?” he said more strongly when she didn’t answer, or move. He straightened, then bent over her, turning her head. There was absolutely no sign she even knew he was there. He lifted one of her closed eyelids.

All there was beneath it was the white of her eye.

Shit. She was in a hell of a mess.

Mr. Martin sighed like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders as he straightened up and his hand reached to the breast pocket of his shirt. He pulled out a cell, turned his back on us and walked a few feet away.

I looked at Jason. He looked at me. I was sure he felt like I did. Neither of us could move on with Lindy like this.

“Miriam, I’ve got Lindy down here at the Macinlays’ store… Yeah. Don’t worry I’ll sort it. You don’t need to fret, it’s not good for you, but just tell me what time she left home?”

I probably hadn’t seen her mom for more than a year, let alone months.

“Okay. Go check her room would you, she’s been drinking, or taken something, I wanna know which and what…”

There were a few minutes of silence.

“It’s empty?”

“How many were in there, do you know?”

“Okay, I’ll get her some help and call you. Don’t worry, honey. It won’t do you any good to worry, you know that, you have enough going on. She’ll be okay.” He sighed when he ended the call. He didn’t look at Jason or me, just stared into the distance for a moment, then took a deep breath, like he was drawing on some reservoir of strength and patience.

He probably needed it for Lindy, if she’d been this messed-up for six months. No wonder her parents had gone into hiding.

Jason and I looked at each other, waiting on the verdict.

With his back to us, he lifted another cell from a clip on his pants pocket.

“Hi, I’m at the Macinlay store, in Main Street, I need an ambulance, quick time. It’s an emergency. An overdose.” He sighed again. “It’s my girl…” There was so much pain in his voice it hit me hard, and I could see it hit Jason too.

We’d been celebrating a new life in the world… and Lindy… was so unhappy she’d tried to check out. Shit.

“What did she take?” Jason said, when Mr. Martin turned around, clipping the cell back onto his pocket.

He didn’t answer straight off. Lindy probably wouldn’t want Jason to know.

But she’d come down to his store… Fuck. Why?

“She’s taken all the anti-depressant meds she’s been prescribed.” He walked back over to Lindy, and as he moved I caught something glinting in the light by the lamppost behind him. I walked over to get it as he bent over Lindy again.

“And this,” I held it up. “A quarter bottle of vodka to wash them down with.”

“Is she going to be okay?” Jason said, watching Mr. Martin slap her face as he braced it with the other hand…

“Those pills will make her dopey; they shouldn’t kill her.” He looked back at Jason. “But I’m no medic.”

“She’s been sick. It was like her stomach was empty.”

“Yeah, well she took them three hours ago at least, that’s when she left home.”

Her dad sounded defeated. I’d never heard him talk like that. She had fucked up her parents not just herself.

“Lindy! Lindy, honey! Come on, you got to wake up!” He slapped her face and shook her.

Her hand swung out to stop him slapping her, but so weakly it was pathetic.

She’d been the center of attention at school, the leader of the girls, the one every guy wanted… Now she lay in a wasted heap. She’d hit a self-destruct button.

Lindy what the hell did you do to yourself?

Problem was Jason and I had both played our part in her destruction.

My heart ached and my lungs were too tight to get any air into.

Her dad kept talking to her and smacking her face. She mumbled something back at him, annoyed.

Jason’s dad pulled up. He got out of his truck, then came over. “I’ve come to pick the boys up, Dwayne. How is she?”

Mr. Martin looked back at him. “Darren. I’d appreciate it, if you, and you boys…” He looked at us with a meaningful gaze, “say nothing to anyone about this.”

I nodded, as Jason did. But I doubted Lindy would want us to be the keepers of her murky secret. She couldn’t trust either of us.

The ambulance came along the street, siren screaming.

At least the street was lined with stores so no one peered around their curtains, watching.

Mr. Martin stood up as the medics got out. He told them in a low voice what she’d taken.

In minutes she was strapped on a gurney, then rolled into the ambulance. He didn’t go with her. He said he had to get the car back to the station and find someone to cover his absence. He said he’d meet them at the hospital.

I wanted to go. But, it wasn’t my place––she and I hadn’t spoken for months so I could hardly force myself on her in an ambulance when she couldn’t say, fuck you, you bastard.

My gaze and my heart followed the ambulance as it pulled away.

“Will you let me know how she is, Dwayne?” Jason said, before Mr. Martin got back in his car.

He stared at Jason for a moment, then nodded. “Thanks for trying to help her, and for calling me.”

It didn’t seem like he blamed Jason for Lindy falling apart.

I wondered if he knew about my part––if he blamed me. I blamed me. I owed her bad.

Jason’s dad climbed back into the driver’s seat of his truck. Jason stood beside it holding the passenger door. “You coming?”

“No. I’ll walk. Clear my head.”

Jason gave me a concerned look, then he let go of the door, walked over, held me and then smacked my shoulder. “It was good catching up. We’ll do it again? We’ve made up now, right?”

“Right,” I answered, fist bumping his hand. But my voice was subdued. Our reunion had been ruined.

Lindy

Had I hit my head? God, the pain was crazy. I opened my eyes. Where the hell was I? The walls in the room were white, the bed I was in metal, and the pillow like a pack of cement, and a smell of disinfectant hung in the air. I was in a hospital.

Oh my God, I’d taken the pills and survived and now I had to face everyone…

Shit. Guilt and embarrassment washed in with the force of a tsunami. I’d let Mom down. Dad would be heartbroken and disappointed. I’d hurt them.

I’d been wrapped up in pain last night, trapped in it, in the darkness, in chains of self-pity, I knew that, I could see the external perspective others saw––but they weren’t in my head, in the dark.

It had stopped being just emotions months ago, maybe years ago, and become a jail cell. I couldn’t see any end to this life sentence.

Everything had become scary. Others lived but I couldn’t.

Then there had been Jason’s news, everywhere––on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram. The baby had been born. The pictures were circulating like crazy.

Everyone we’d been at school with had shared them.

They’d called the kid, Saint. It was a crappy name.

People said he’d picked a name for the kid to grow into.

I rolled on to my side, tears running onto my cheeks and curled up hugging the cement-like pillow. A year ago, he’d been with me. I’d been engaged. I’d had a future, something to look to, now there was nothing.

I gave up my job, because I’d worked at the store with his dad.

His new girl, his wife, worked there now.

Life sucked. I hated fate. Why did it have to pick people out for bad things when they’d done nothing wrong? I’d given up believing in God or Karma or anything. Except angels…I hoped people came back after they died and watched over you.

I wiped the tears away.

There weren’t any monitors in the room, so I couldn’t have been so sick but I should probably buzz for a nurse and tell them I’d woken up.

I couldn’t. Embarrassment hit too hard. Maybe fate had been kind to me in that, keeping me alive, but now I felt stupid for taking an overdose… I didn’t know how I’d face Mom.

Billy

My thumb hovered over the send icon for the twentieth time today. Jason had texted yesterday to say he’d heard from Mr. Martin. Lindy was okay, just sleeping the drugs off in the hospital. He’d said she’d be out of action for a while.

I wanted to text her. But cowardice had a grip on my hand.

I switched the cell off, put it back in my pocket then got in the SUV to go to my next client.

I didn’t think of her while I worked. I had to watch my client, to make sure he did the exercises right and didn’t strain anything, and to count his repetitions.

But as soon as I left the guy my mind was back on Lindy.

Was she still in hospital?

Would she want me to text?

Did she know we’d been there?

Why the hell had she taken an overdose? Was it just a cry for help or had she really meant to end it?

How did she feel now?

The only way I was gonna get any answers was to text her. I took my cell out of the pocket of my sweat pants as I threw my backpack on the back seat of the SUV.

I got in with it gripped in my hand and sat there for a minute, looking at her picture. I’d taken it last year, after Jason had left for New York, when she and I had been hanging out a lot more, alone for the first time.

‘Hey, Lindy, sorry I haven’t been in touch. I should’ve been. How are you?’ My thumb hovered over ‘send’, my heart pounding out a bass beat. I had to do this. She was never gonna break the ice between us and I couldn’t stand feeling guilty anymore.

I didn’t expect an immediate reply. But relief hit me just because I’d done the deed.

I threw my cell on the passenger seat, slipped the gear shift into drive and pulled my seatbelt on, then pressed my foot on the gas.

My cell rang ten minutes later. I was on the road into town. Flicking the indicator on, I pulled into the side and parked on the dirt on the edge.

I picked my cell up. She’d called.

My hand shaking like a douche, I called her back. The leather bracelet I had on my wrist declared its presence as it slid a little up my arm.

“Hi––”

“Hey, Lindy, you called me. How are you?”

“Are you driving?” Her voice was quiet and weak––it still cut through me like a blade.

“I’ve pulled over. You can talk if you want to talk. Why did you do it, Lind?”

“Because I feel like shit.”

“Lind––”

“You don’t need to tell me it was foolish, I know. And selfish, and pathetic, and… terrible… I… I’m sorry you saw me. Thank you for helping me. I think I’m gonna have a lot of apologizing to do.” She took a breath. “Say sorry to Jason too.” She hung up.

Shit, I smacked the wheel with the heel of my palm. Why did she have to be so frickin’ hard? Why did she have to hurt me so much? Why the fuck did I have to care about her? I wished my asshole of a heart would fall for someone else.

Dammit.

I called her back. “Don’t hang up on me. Are you still in the hospital?”

“Yeah.”

“How long for?”

“They’re going to let me go soon, but I’ve got to see a psychiatrist first.”

“Well that sounds like a good idea. Look, I’m here for you. I know I’ve been a shit friend for the last few months, but, forget that, forgive me, and let’s make up and be friends again.”

She didn’t say anything. I didn’t push it. She had a lot to forgive me for.

“Why did you do it, Lind?”

“It was stupid, I––”

“This is me you’re talking to, be honest. Why did you do it?”

She sighed. I imagined the air leaving her lips. I’d watched her sigh so many times in the last year or so.

“Because Jason had the baby and he’s so happy, and his life is perfect and my life…” she started crying. We were back to what Lindy and I had always been––I was her confidante, her life coach, her safety net, her servant, her punch-bag…God the list went on. I was everything, without getting anything I wanted. Her fucking fool.

She took a breath. “I hear myself, and I hate me. I know why you and Jason and everyone else dislikes me because––”

“Everyone doesn’t dislike you, Lind––” and I love you..

“It’s okay if you do dislike me. I understand…”

“Well I don’t, Lindy. I feel like I’ve let you down. I should’ve been around for you.”

“My mess isn’t your fault, Billy. You can’t do a thing to change it.”

I could. “I want to help you.”

“You can’t.”

“Let me be your friend again, Lindy. Let me make things up to you.”

“Billy, honestly, you have nothing to make up.”

“Well, I can’t stand seeing you like I did last night.”

“Sorry.”

I took a breath. “Do you want me to come and get you from the hospital later?”

“No, Dad’ll come.”

“Well then, text me when you get home and we’ll organize something. I’ll come over and see you.”

“Okay.” I could imagine her nodding, but I heard uncertainty in her voice.

“Lindy, you need a friend. That’s all I’m offering, I promise. No expectations. No pressure.” She didn’t have anyone else. She’d dumped all her girlfriends when we’d gone to college. She’d been one hundred percent full-on all over Jason since we’d left school. She’d isolated herself and that’s why we’d spent so much time together when he’d gone to New York. I was the only friend she had left. And that was torture.

“Okay, maybe. It depends how I feel.”

I couldn’t ask her for more.

“Don’t do it again, Lind. And if you’re tempted, call me…” But then I remembered the one night she had called me when it was late… Crap, I was not the one she’d pick to call.

“Bye.” The word ran through me. It sounded final. I couldn’t have stood it if anything had actually happened… if she’d succeeded and killed herself.

“Take care of yourself.”

“Thanks, Billy. And you will say thank you to Jason? I know he didn’t have to help me.” She hung up.

But why wouldn’t he have helped her? He’d just fallen in love with someone else; he didn’t want to see her dead.

When we’d been at school she’d been full of vitality––energy––she’d always been smiling. When we hit college she’s started changing.

Well, whatever, there was nothing I could do right now.

I slipped the SUV back into drive, looked in the side mirror, to check nothing was coming, waited until a vehicle passed, then pulled out and drove home.

Lindy

My finger kept hovering over Billy’s name in the contacts list on my cell. I’d seen the psychiatrist and she’d told me I had to start seeing her regularly, to talk out all the stuff going on in my life––and in my head. Then I’d come home and all the stuff going on in my life had hit me in the face. There was an atmosphere in the house. Fear. Loneliness. Pain. Because Mom was sick––she couldn’t help being sick––but I had to watch her wither away. It was too hard––I didn’t want to let her go.

My head, belly and heart ached. Life had been hard and cruel for too long. That’s why I’d tried to end it––I’d just been selfish for a moment. I’d tried to escape everything; Mom and Jason. His baby had been the thing that slid me over the Niagara Falls of despair, though.

But I wouldn’t do it again. I’d learned my lesson. Guilt was heavy. Mom had looked hurt and disappointed and Dad hadn’t been able to hide how bad he’d have felt if I’d succeeded.

If I was meant to die I’d have died. I was meant to face up to all this bullshit and keep going.

And Mom…

Now I could see all the stuff I’d been blind to.

I felt lousy, not because I’d swallowed a massive dose of happy pills, but because I’d hurt my parents.

Mom had every reason to bow out, and she didn’t––I’d tried.

I needed someone to hold me. I felt sore inside.

I touched the screen. Billy’s picture and details came up. He smiled at me out of the cell, with those warm dark-blue eyes of his. My thumb hovered over his number.

We hadn’t spoken since just after New Year, until I’d called him the other day. But I had no one else. He’d been the closest person to me other than Jason for years.

I wished what had happened, hadn’t…

I shut my eyes––I wish, I wish, I wish. If I had shiny red shoes on and clicked my heels, I wondered if I could go back in time, to when everything was right, then I could make sure everything stayed right.

That’s what my life had become––wishes that things had not happened, wishes that they wouldn’t, wishes that people would stay in my life.

I’d lost my friends. I’d given them up in favor of Jason, and look how that had ended. He’d moved on and left me behind. The only friend I’d had left was his best friend, until I’d messed that up too.

I was super-good at messing things up.

I sighed. Courage. I wasn’t going to fix things with the only possible friend I had left unless I made the move. He’d taken the first step the other day when he’d texted me––now it was my turn. I just had to do it.

I tapped the icon.

“Hi.” He answered, right off. My heart pounded.

“Billy?”

“You. Okay?”

“Yeah. I’m at home now. Dad picked me up at seven last night and brought me back. I appreciate you helping me out. I’m sorry you had to see me like that. I’m––”

“It’s okay, Lind. I’m glad you’re home. How did you get on with the shrink?”

When Jason had gone to New York, Billy had become my best friend, as well as Jason’s. But then he’d ended up in the middle of everything when Jason had deserted me.

“Okay, I have to see someone regularly.”

“Well that’s probably a good thing isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you today?”

“Down.” I sighed. The psychiatrist had told me to be honest rather than keep things trapped inside. “Jason having the baby makes me feel like crap still. Is that a bad thing to admit? Only the woman at the hospital told me I should admit how I feel.”

“Lind, if it’s how you feel, it’s how you feel, it just is. I know all this stuff is hard on you. I’m not judging you. Like I said the other day, I feel like I’ve let you down… Do you want me come around so we can talk?”

“Yeah.” God the thought of having someone to talk to outside of my house, and everything weighing down the atmosphere in here, was wonderful. Like an oasis in a desert.

“I’ll come over now then, yeah?”

“Yeah. You’re not working?”

“I’ve got a gap between clients. I’ll come over.”

“Don’t knock. Call me when you get here.”

“Okay, I’ll be there soon.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bye, Lind. See you in a while.”

“Yeah.”

I fell back on my bed, lying on my back, with my cell still in my hand and stared up at the ceiling. Tears blurred the white fluffy clouds Dad had painted against the blue sky when I’d been a kid. The tears wouldn’t stop. I’d cried loads since I’d woken up in the hospital.

It was twenty minutes after I’d spoken to Billy that I got the second call.

“Hi, I’m parked outside your house. Do you want me to knock?”

“No, stay there, I’ll come out.” I ended the call, wiped my eyes, and stood, then glanced in the mirror. I looked like a ghost, pale and pasty. I hadn’t gone out of my room yet. I sat down to put some makeup on to hide the sorry-looking state of my face. I hated looking at myself in mirrors but I had to face that ugly girl to put on the mask I hid her behind.

Mom was in her chair in the living room. “I’m going outside.” Guilt made me feel I had to tell her everything so she didn’t worry I was doing something stupid.

“Why?”

“Billy’s outside, I’m just going to sit in his car and talk to him.”

“Lindy, love, you can bring him in…” She felt guilty too. Mom didn’t really want anyone in the house, she’d said so, anyone who saw her would know she was sick, and she didn’t want anyone to know––but after what I’d done, she was worried about it hurting me. It made me feel worse.

“It’s okay, I’d rather speak to him outside. We won’t go anywhere.”

“Darling––”

“Sorry. I just need to talk to him, then I’ll be back in.” I knew what she wanted to say, I didn’t have to explain myself––but then I knew she was afraid I’d try to kill myself again. “You can look out the window if you want.”

“Lindy…” My name was said on a sad, weak, sigh. She needed to know I was okay, but she didn’t want to have to know.

I’d messed everything up by taking an overdose. I don’t even really know why I’d done it. It’s just, that night, everything had seemed too much, and I’d had a drink, and escape and relief had opened up like a window I could jump through. I’d seen freedom from the pain ripping my soul apart, and I’d taken the chance.

But if I’d succeeded it wouldn’t have been an end to anything; it would have just made things worse for the people I’d left behind.

Fate had saved me from doing that.

But now I had no choice. I had to cope.

I turned, opened the door and went out.

Billy’s SUV was parked on the other side of the road. Nothing was coming up the street. I crossed over and went around to the passenger door, my heart racing as if someone was beating a crazy drum solo on it. “Hi.” I climbed up into the passenger seat.

“Lindy…” He’d freed his seatbelt already, and now he twisted sideways. He had long, loose shorts on.

We hadn’t spoken properly for so long––I didn’t really know what to say.

I pulled the door shut, anxious and nervous, and stared ahead, avoiding looking at him.

“You okay? Do you want me to drive somewhere?”

“No.”

“Do you want to talk?”

Yeah. So much. Tears gathered in the back of my throat, hurting.

I didn’t look at him. I’d cry.

My hands were in my lap. He leaned over and gripped one of them. “Lindy, I’m here.”

Oh Lord, the tears tumbled, rolling down my cheeks, and I was sobbing as his grip on my hand pulled me over, and he moved forward. Then his arms came around me, holding me tight.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t realize how bad you felt. I wish… God, I wish I’d handled things better. I let you down.”

I shook my head and looked at him. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault. It’s nothing to do with you.” I had a lot of people to apologize to. Surviving had made me see two things; I had to change and I was meant to accept things and just get on with it––like Mom did. But doing that wasn’t easy.

“I don’t know what to say.” His dark-blue eyes were warm and deep with feeling.

I sighed. I didn’t know what to say either. All I knew was that I hurt too much, and I didn’t know how to escape it.

“Do you want to get away?”

“What?”

“I could drive you out to the coast somewhere, once I’ve had time to book something, and you’ve had time to pack…”

I wanted to hug him back like he’d just hugged me––hard and tight––with gratitude and relief.

“We could run away together for a couple of weeks and not tell anyone where we’re going. No Jason. No baby. And no expectations from me, I swear. We’ll just be friends. I want you to be happy.”

I took a breath. I didn’t know what to say. What about Mom? And then there was my psychiatrist. And… “I don’t know.”

His hand gripped mine hard; the emotion in his eyes shining bright. “Lindy, let me make this up to you. I’ve been a shit friend for the last six months, and you need a friend––”

I did… “But you were with Jason.” My pitch came out as an accusation; any thought of Jason still raised a bitter taste in my mouth.

“You remember?” Guilt passed over his face.

“Why were you with him?”

His skin reddened, like he was going to confess something awful. “He’d called me that day. The day Rach had the baby.”

The day I’d overdosed.

“He asked me to wet the baby’s head with him and put everything behind us…” Billy’s eyes looked into mine as if he tried to judge my thoughts. “We’ve made up, Lind… and then we saw you and I knew I could never move on until you did too.”

All the pain trapped inside me raced to the surface. I couldn’t. That wasn’t a choice I had.

Tears rolled down my cheeks.

I wish…

Billy leaned over and his arms came around me. I rested my head on his shoulder, my arms about his neck. I needed someone to hug.

Billy’s arms and shoulders were really muscular. His body mass was double the size of Jason’s. He’d played football at school and college, and he’d studied sports and become a personal trainer. All that strength and solidity was reassuring.

But that’s what had got me into all the bullshit I’d fallen into back in the fall.

But I didn’t want to think of that. I just let him hold me while I reveled in the comfort and security.

Billy gave good hugs.

This was worth so much more than any conversation on a psychiatrist’s couch, or medication. Relief bloomed inside me, aching.

I’d needed to be held by someone outside my family.

His fingers combed through my hair. “Did you mean to end it, or were you crying out for help?”

I didn’t lift my head and didn’t answer. The ache of comfort was gone and instead the forest fire of guilt flared. I wouldn’t admit the truth; the truth was too awful. I didn’t have a good reason to give in.

The psychiatrist had told me, “Everyone has burdens to carry, and you shouldn’t feel guilty.” She’d said, “It’s stopped being about choice, the chemicals in your body are all muddled up so you can’t think straight.” I was on happy pills, and counseling now, and she’d promised me I’d feel better and I’d get out the other side.

I didn’t want to.

“Why did you go to Jason’s store…?” Billy’s fingers ran through my hair. I felt like a kid being comforted. It took me back years; to the years I’d been happy.

Why? I didn’t answer. He probably thought it was for revenge. It wasn’t. My life had been there, I’d worked there for years, been Jason’s second half for years.

Who was I now? What was there to do?

“I’m sorry, Lindy. If you let me help, I’ll make everything up to you.”

He had nothing to make up, not really, everything that had gone wrong between him and me was my fault.

“Do you want to get away for a while? Just for a couple of weeks even? I swear to God, there’ll be nothing in it. No expectation on my part at all.”

I needed help. I needed to escape. Just until I could get back on track. “Yeah.”

His hands gripped my shoulders and moved me back. He looked like he didn’t believe what I’d said. “Yeah?” His voice questioned.

“Yeah.” I nodded, my vision clouding with tears. I needed to go somewhere and pretend my life wasn’t what it was––for a short vacation. “I’ll have to speak to the psychiatrist, though. When do you want to go?”

He smiled. Billy was so nice, his heart shone right out of his eyes along with his smile. He hurt for me. We’d been close, before everything went wrong. This was him trying to put it right again. But nothing could ever be right.

Tears rolled onto my cheeks as the flames of guilt flickered.

Mom…

Billy held me against his chest. His big, solid arms fencing me in and holding the world out.

I felt better, like I had in the fall… And look where that had got us.

I pulled away, looking at the house. Mom must be at the window. This wasn’t her fault.

“What about Saturday, two weeks’ time?” Billy’s voice came out husky. “I’ll cancel my client appointments. You get everything agreed with the hospital and your Mom and Dad, and we’ll just get out of here for a bit, so you can escape all this shit?”

“Thank you, Billy. You’re a good guy, you know that?”

He gave me an apologetic smile. “We both know that’s not true. But I will be now. I swear, Lind, just friends…”

“I better go back in.” I wiped my face on my sleeve, trying to wipe off the tracks of tears so Mom wouldn’t see them, but it wiped my foundation off too. I hoped my mascara hadn’t run. “Text me.”

“I’ll let you know what time I’ll pick you up.”

“Okay.” I tried to smile, then turned away, opened the door and slipped out of his SUV. I didn’t look back as I crossed the road and ran up to the house.

When I let myself in, Mom stood by the window. I knew she’d been watching.

“You okay?” she asked.

I nodded, “Yeah.” But I didn’t stay in the living room. I walked on to my room, threw myself face-down on the bed and sobbed some more.

I was so messed-up and selfish.

Billy didn’t need the burden of a broken girl, I shouldn’t have said yes. He’d been ready to move on.

The forest fire of guilt flared and consumed everything else.

Billy

I slipped the SUV into drive and pulled away, my heart a boulder in my chest.

What that girl did to me! If Jason knew half the things I’d imagined over the last five years he wouldn’t have called me to meet up and wet his kid’s head.

Fuck.

Jason and I had messed her up.

This was a pile of shit.

When I walked in the door back home a lot later than I’d usually come in, my kid sister, Eva, called, “Hey, Billy!”

“Hey, Eva.” I lifted a hand.

“Where have you been?” Mom asked as I walked through the living room.

“At the gym.”

“You work out all day. You can’t have spent that long at the gym. You’re hiding something! I bet you’ve got a girl!” Eva’s passion in life was teasing me. But underneath it she loved having a much older brother to flaunt before her friends, and catch rides off of. She always gloated when I drove her to her friends’ parties. But she wasn’t a kid anymore, she was fifteen. “Don’t tell me you’ve finally given up on winning Lindy?”

I made a face at her. My family knew my trouble. In a bad moment I’d said something to Dad a couple of years ago and from then on my whole family had been a part of my secret Lindy addiction. “Nope, I saw her today.”

“Billy! I thought you’d stopped that.”

“I’m taking her away for a couple of weeks.”

“OMG!” Eva screamed.

“Is that a good thing?” Mom stood up.

“When you and that girl get together, it always ends badly, Billy.” Dad threw in his cent without moving from his armchair.

“Thanks for the enthusiasm.” I shrugged and turned away, but Eva grabbed my arm and then hugged me.

“I hope things work out. I’ll be glad for you if they do.” I gave her a squeeze then let her slip away.

“As will I,” Mom said, smiling at me.

My gaze shifted around them all. “Except this isn’t like that. It’s just as friends…”

Eva rolled her eyes. “Lindy is so blind.”

Mom kept smiling.

I turned away and headed for my room.

I scanned through my calendar and called clients to tell them something personal had come up; the stretched and worn leather band on my wrist sliding up and down.

I always wondered what the hell I’d do if it broke. It was my talisman.

The fingers of my other hand span it around my wrist a couple of times as I waited while a call rang.

I knew where I was gonna take her. To the place I’d run to every summer for years. It had started the summer we’d left high school.

There was no answer. I ended the call, but then my cell vibrated.

”Lindy’s back home.“ The message was from Jason.

”I know, I went ‘round to see her.”

”She okay?”

”Nope, quiet and crying.“

”Tell her sorry. And tell her Rach and me are thinking of her. We didn’t want her to get hurt.”

”She said to tell you sorry too. She’s sorry we saw her like that. She said she felt guilty about getting us caught up in it.”

He didn’t answer for a minute, but then came back and said. ”Tell her it’s okay. I get it. I know I messed her around. But tell her I hope she can be happy.”

I sighed. So did I. ”I’ll tell her. Do you still want to go out for a drink again next week?”

”Shit, yeah, I need another night out to get over that one. When?”

”Thursday?”

”Okay.”

The place I was gonna take Lindy to was beautiful. You could stay right on the beach in an apartment, listen the ocean and watch the waves roll up on the sand. It was the sort of escapism Lindy needed to put her vibes right.

I looked at my cell, and my thumb instinctively slid up Lindy’s image. ”Hey. I’m gonna take you to a place I know on the coast. It’s perfect for chilling out. You’ll get caught up in the awesomeness of the universe and forget about yourself.”

While I waited for a reply I booked the accommodation. I’d cancel the rest of my appointments later. I booked adjacent apartments.

”That sounds amazing.”

”Cool.”

“:-) Shall I transfer my share of the money to you?’

”Lind you’re not paying. I asked you. I owe you.”

”You don’t owe me anything. But thanks if you’ll pay. I’m not earning.”

‘I know. Maybe when we’re out there we can start working on what new job you feel like doing.”

“:/ When I feel better, Billy.”

“Yeah. Sorry I’m pushing. Too much. Too soon. One step, Lind. By the way, Jason said he’s sorry too, and that he and Rachel wish you well. He wants you to be happy. That’s what we all want.”

”Thanks.“

The thanks seemed final and I didn’t know what to say next.

My fingers tapped the desk, beating out a rhythm.

I wanted to call. I had a feeling she was crying. I shouldn’t have mentioned Jason. I didn’t call though ‘cause I’d grown a coward’s streak since the fall. I didn’t want to hear her tell me how she missed him and how much she still loved him.

Guilt curled up in a hard ball in my belly.

Why the fuck was she speaking to me? She shouldn’t be.

Why the frick was she going away with me?

The girl was crazy.

This could be the stupidest idea, I’d ever had.

Chapter Two

Billy

“You’re sure everything is squared off with the hospital, Lind. You’ve got your meds…”

She nodded, but she was scaring me, her hands trembled as I took her case and put it in the back of the SUV, next to my surfboard.

Her dad stood on their porch, in his uniform; it meant he’d ducked off work to come back and say goodbye to her. He watched us, like he didn’t want her to go.

He certainly wouldn’t want her to go if he knew the truth. But he didn’t. No one did except me and Lindy.

I hadn’t seen her Mom. That was weird because she didn’t work. I’d have thought she’d have come outside to say a final goodbye to Lindy.

“Is that everything?” I asked. Lindy nodded, her blue eyes glittering with tears.

“No, I forgot my purse.” She turned away and ran back up the path into the house.

This was weird.

I slipped my hands into my pants pockets as Mr. Martin came down.

“If she wants to come home, you’ll bring her back right away?”

“Yeah.” Of course I would.

“Well, you look out for her. She’s my girl, and she’s all I’ve got.”

“Yeah, Mr. Martin.” He knew I’d been hanging around her a lot last fall; he knew we’d been friends for years. I bet he wondered why I’d stopped hanging around and why we hadn’t spoken for months. I was glad he didn’t know.

Lindy came hurrying back out of the house, her purse swinging in her hand.

“Did you say good-bye to Mom?” Her dad asked.

“Yeah.” She hugged him, firmly. He kissed her hair.

The guy had scared the hell out of me when I was kid, but now all his scariness looked hollow. Lindy had hurt him when she’d chosen to press the eject button. He looked in pain. That was a new look for Mr. Martin.

“You’ll call me if anything happens, Dad, won’t you? Don’t wait. I’d hate not to get back…”

What was it with getting back? We hadn’t even gone yet. I suppose her family must be cautious now, though. Maybe they didn’t trust her not to try it again. I’d have to watch her when we were away.

Her dad nodded. Tears shining in his eyes. Hell, I’d never thought I’d see that.

I turned away and got in the SUV. I didn’t think he’d welcome me watching him, but in the side mirror, I saw him give her a kiss on the cheek. Then he walked her to the passenger door, opened it and held it while she climbed in.

He shut it only after she’d settled and pulled her seatbelt over.

I pushed the button so the window went down and they could talk.

My abs gripped tight with nerves and my belly rumbled. I hadn’t eaten this morning. I was too nervous about how this was gonna go down. My forearm rested on the wheel, the leather braid hanging loose on my wrist. That thing was so much a part of who I was.

My fingers started tapping on the dashboard.

“Ready?” she asked.

I looked over at her. Her dad stepped back from the window as she looked at me.

Shit, she probably thought me tapping the dashboard had been telling her dad to hurry up. It wasn’t. It was just a habit.

My other hand gripped the gear shift.

I was ready, though. I wanted to get away from her house. There was a ton of bad energy coming from it. I could feel it everywhere in the air around her.

I smiled and slipped my arm off the wheel. “Yeah. Mr. Martin.”

She looked at him. “I’ll call you when we get there and I’ll call you every night. I promise. Don’t worry about me. You’ll make me feel guilty if you do. And tell Mom I love her… I’m really sorry.”

“Honey…” He came forward again and leaned in through the window to grip her hand. “Your mother understands. She’s not angry, or hurt, or anything. She just wants you to be okay.”

Lindy nodded, tears rolling down her cheeks.

No matter how nervous I was. Or how awkward it felt. This was right. She needed to get out of here for a while.

“I’ll be okay,” she whispered. “But I feel selfish. Good-bye.” She leaned and kissed his cheek. Then her dad stepped back and finally we could go.

My heart started pumping on hyper-drive, as I slid the gear shift down and pulled away, super- cautious not to over rev the engine with her dad watching.

I glanced at her as I drove up the street. “Did you eat or are we stopping for breakfast?”

She looked at me, a broken heart in her eyes, tears tracking down her cheeks. She wiped them away with a sniff. “Sorry, I’m going to try and not be bad company. But I don’t want to eat. I’m not hungry. How long is it gonna take to get there?”

“A couple of hours.” I looked back at the road. “We can settle in, then get lunch.”

She laughed, a low half-choking sound that was almost a sob. “I forgot how hungry you get. You can stop for breakfast if you want…”

I threw her a smile. “Sorry, you’ll have to accommodate my appetite. I don’t eat like a bird like you do, but I can wait ‘til lunch.”

She’d fed me and Jason through most of our college years. In the shared apartment we’d had. The couple and the spare-part best friend––three had definitely been a crowd. But I’d still hung around them. I bet people had thought it weird.

I was weird.

Fucking crazy!

I’d always wondered if Jason knew. But he hadn’t said anything the other night when we’d got everything out in the open. I figured he’d have said something then if he’d known.

“I can’t believe you still wear that thing.” She leaned over and flicked the leather bracelet as my hand gripped the wheel.

How the hell did she not know?

I glanced at her, giving her a twisted, guilty smile, as something hard grabbed my heart. “Yeah.”

“I made you that years ago.”

“I’m just lazy, I can’t be bothered to cut it off.” I let a fake sound of amusement slip from my throat, acting as if it was nothing––like I had every other time she’d mentioned it.

She’d made it at high school. It had been the thing all the girls were doing at the time, braiding these silly leather bracelets and threading beads into them. It was before she’d been seeing Jason. We’d been fifteen.

Yeah, I had been wearing it that long. Pining over a girl that wasn’t mine.

But shit I can still remember the feel of her gentle fingers touching me as she’d tied it off, and it had done stuff to my cock. I’d liked her before, but that was the day she’d got me. It was like her fingers had touched my heart too. I’d had this burning need for her ever since.

I should cut the thing off.

I glanced over at her. Her hands were in her lap and she stared ahead. I didn’t know what to say to her. I was too anxious to hold a meaningless conversation and I didn’t want to quiz her, ‘cause I was taking her away to forget all the stuff that made her feel bad.

I said a few things and she answered, but then I couldn’t think of anything to add. She said some things and I nodded, not knowing what to say back.

In the end we were quiet most of the drive.

I was relieved when I finally pulled up in the apartments’ parking lot on the coast.

“Wow, this is nice.”

The ocean rolled up onto the miles of beach before the parking lot. This place just calmed me. I’d come here the summer we’d left high school and it had been the best therapy. This beach and the ocean was my psychiatrist. I’d come back every summer since.

I hoped it was gonna work for her too.

I freed the door and as it opened the sound of the ocean swept into the SUV.

I looked at Lindy.

She was wide-eyed, watching the beach.

“Let’s go get our keys. I’ll get our stuff later.”

She looked at me, uncertainty creeping into her eyes, but she nodded.

I wanted to grip her hand as we walked across the parking lot. There was a whole minefield of protective energy bubbling around inside me. But it had blown up in my face before. I was steering clear of too much touching.

The thing with Lindy was she was so tiny it made me want to just put my arms around her and wrap her up. She was like a precious, breakable doll, five-two, to my six-one.

I glanced over at her. The ocean breeze flicked her wavy blonde hair against the curve of her cheek.

Her fingers tucked her hair behind her ear.

I’d wanted to do that for her. There was a hard need to touch her in my belly. But I’d spent years ignoring that instinct. That was nothing new.

She didn’t look at me. She looked ahead at the apartment block.

She’d won beauty pageants as a kid. Her Mom had been into all that shit, driving her to loads of contests and Lindy did have the look for that sort of thing, perfect symmetry.

At high school she’d been full of confidence. At college that had died for some reason.

She glanced at me, her blue eyes seeming bluer under the clear sky.

“I’ve ordered adjacent places, is that okay? I can ask them to change them if you want?”

“No, that’s okay.” She nodded.

The apartments were stacked and set out in rows spread along the edge of the beach. The guy at the desk said ours were on the top floor. The place was something between a hotel, a motel and cabins, and the rooms ‘slash’ apartments were accessed via a long hallway, with stairs at either end of the block.

When we got up there, I slid the card key through the lock, then stepped back and shoved the door open for her to go in. “You can have this one.”

It had a small kitchen and a sofa that turned into a bed. But most importantly, at the end of the room was a big window that looked out on the ocean. It had a balcony too.

“I’ll go get your stuff.” I left her in her room. But before I went back down to the SUV, I went into mine.

Shit. I combed a hand through my hair, then realized I’d fucked it up, and rubbed it so it spiked again.

It was going to be a hell of a couple of weeks.

I walked over and slid the glass door to the balcony back, letting in the soothing sound of the ocean. It pulled me outside.

Lindy stood out there, on her balcony, gripping the wooden rail and looking at the ocean. I turned my back on it and rested my butt against the rail. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just taking in the air.”

“Look, Lind––”

“I’m not in the mood to talk.”

Well, there was probably nothing I could say that would make anything better anyway. “I’ll go get our things.”

I dumped mine in my room, then went round to her door and knocked. She opened it, but stood there, stopping me from going in.

“Here you are.” I dropped her case and backpack just inside the door. “Are you ready for something to eat? We could walk downtown and then walk along the beach if you want?” I leaned against the door jamb, watching her, waiting on her answer.

I’d spent hours in this position, on the border to Lindy’s and Jason’s bedroom at college, talking to one or the other.

“Yeah, I can unpack later.” She turned away, knocking the door open wider, before walking back into her room.

I stayed where I was. “Did you call your dad to say we got here okay?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s okay with it?”

She turned, her eyes flashing impatience, a little of the real Lindy shining through the dark clouds hanging over her. Like a beam of intense sunlight catching me off-guard and blinding me.

“He may be a cop, but he doesn’t order me about. I’m twenty-two. I can do whatever.”

Yep, she could. When she was herself, she always did whatever she wanted, with a just-deal-with-it attitude. That attitude had made Jason go silent. He’d always let her have her way.

I lifted my weight off the door frame.

“You ready to go then?”

“Yeah.”

When she came out of the room, my hand hovered behind her. I had no need to touch her; it would have been strange to do it and yet it felt strange walking down the hall not touching her.

Lindy barely came to my shoulder.

I’d picked her up once or twice, messing around, and she was as light as anything. So frickin’ tiny.

Her thick blond hair flowed in waves about her shoulders as she moved. My hand itched to touch that. Literally.

Crap.

I lifted my hand to touch her shoulder. I didn’t. Instead I slipped my hands into the back pockets of my pants to keep them tamed.

The way out from our apartments was a wide wooden staircase, leading down from the third floor.

The view was amazing, the beach and ocean stretching into the distance. I breathed the salt air in. It felt good. Like it healed.

“Wow.” She smiled at me.

I hoped the healing would work for her. “Just being by the coast always makes me feel different, better somehow, lifts the weight off my shoulders––”

“What weight have you got on your shoulders?” Yep, the old snappy Lindy was coming back.

I didn’t answer, and that killed the conversation.

But, it wasn’t really the old Lindy. It was just the pre-overdose Lindy. College Lindy. That wasn’t the girl I’d fallen for originally. She’d been pushy and self-confident at high school… but not snappy and not the bitch she could be at times. Those elements had slipped in while we were at college.

We didn’t talk much the rest of the way into town, but we’d been friends long enough that our friendship could take silence.

When we got there, though, we wasted half an hour arguing over which restaurant to stop in.

She wasn’t hungry. I was ravenous.

In the end we chose a place that did the salad she wanted and a huge portion of fried chicken that would do me.

She was quiet again when we sat down.

“What do you wanna do this afternoon?”

Her head came up. She’d been looking at her food, but not eating much of it. Her gaze hit mine. “You said we’d go for a walk along the beach.”

“Well, I just wanted to check that’s what you want, Lind. You haven’t said much; you might’ve just wanted to go back and be on your own.”

“I didn’t come here to be on my own, did I? I could be on my own at home.” There was sore-headed Lind again. The bitch.

I took a breath, to call her out––

“So you and Jason have patched everything up. Are you buddies again?”

That’s why she’d been quiet. She’d been spinning that around in her head.

I wondered how it made her feel. Betrayed by him? And then betrayed by me? But I was friends with Jason again, and I wanted to be his friend. I wasn’t gonna change that even if she asked me to. “Yes.” I lifted an eyebrow, waiting on her judgment.

“So everything’s forgotten?”

Not everything. “Lind, don’t. I like him. He’s been like a brother most of my life. I want him around.” A brother whose girl I’ve wanted to fuck for years, but hey.

Her lips compressed as anger flashed in her eyes, but she didn’t vent it at me.

Looking down at her salad, she stabbed a piece of chicken with her fork. Maybe she imagined it as part of Jason’s anatomy––or mine.

“Have you seen it?”

“It?”

“The baby?”

“The baby is called Saint, and, yeah, I went ‘round to Jason’s parents’ one night this week, before we went for a drink, and saw Rach and the kid.”

“Saint’s a stupid name.” She stabbed a piece of tomato.

Annoyance and exasperation rippled inside me as I took a bite out of a piece of fried chicken.

This is what I needed to fix for her. I hadn’t only brought her here to get her away. I wanted to smash open this fucking ball of anger she wrapped herself up in. It had been there for years, but not when we were kids. It wasn’t who she was, it was what she’d become. The only way she’d be happy was to be who she’d been at high school. I had no idea why she’d changed.

I leaned back, watching her. “The baby isn’t going anywhere when we go back, you know. It’s you who has to learn to live with Rach and Saint in the town, and Jason being with them. Not the other way around.”

She glared at me, standing up and dropping her fork on the tray. Then without a word she turned and walked out.

Cool, we’d been here a couple of hours and we’d clashed already. I pulled some dollar bills out of my pocket and left them on the table to get the check, then followed her.

She’d headed toward the beach. I ran to catch up with her and grabbed her feeble little bicep to stop her. Then made her turn and look at me.

“I said I’d get you away, give you chance to breathe out here. But I’m not gonna lie to you, Lind, or put up with your bad moods. I’m not Jason. Don’t expect me to just let you bite. I’ll bite back.”

I wasn’t telling her anything she didn’t know. At college we’d had some really loud arguments. The neighbors had bashed on the wall a few times to shut us up. I’d never put up with her shit like Jason did, and she knew it. We were both fire and we’d flare quick and fast at each other.

Jason––he was calm, cooling water.

But we’d always been okay when the air cleared, and if she’d had problems and needed to talk, or just moan and shout, she’d always come to me, not him… Cause Jason would either have a solution or walk away from an argument and sometimes people like us just needed to shout.

I sighed, letting her go. My fingers lifted and ran through my hair. Shit. I ruffled it when I remembered I’d knocked it flat.

Her coming to me had been the beginning of how everything had got messed up between us. A year ago, when Jason had gone to New York to live and left her behind… It had been the first time he’d stood up to her and not just done what she wanted. She’d hated that. So who had she come to, to moan and shout about it? Me.

She turned away and started walking again, her movement stiff with anger.

“You’re gonna have to get over him!” I called after her, following.

She headed on down to the beach. I followed a dozen steps behind her, my fingers now in my front pockets.

Maybe this had been a stupid idea…

I held back a bit more, to give her some space, and let her go on ahead alone and storm her anger out. She’d calm down soon.

When I sauntered onto the beach a while after I’d seen her walk down there, I spotted her about two hundred yards on. She’d taken her shoes off and held them in her hand, and she was heading toward the ocean.

The sand worked its way into my sneakers. I stopped and toed them off, then carried on, holding them in my hand. My feet sank in the warm sand. The air was way cooler than the sand. But the sun’s heat seeped into the ground while the breeze from the cold ocean stopped the air feeling so warm.

Lindy was a silhouette in the distance, outlined by the waves rolling in.

I hit the compact, flat, wet sand. It oozed under my feet. The tide was out, so I was still a long way off where she stood.

When I caught her up, she was looking at the last ripples of the waves wash over her bare feet.

She stepped back a couple of paces with a little run, dodging a higher one as I got near her.

“Hey.”

She walked into the ripples of a different low wave, ignoring me.

She didn’t look angry anymore, just thoughtful, like not only had she walked away, but her mind had left me behind.

That was my problem. She was on my mind constantly and I think I was hardly ever on hers. “Lind?”

She glanced at me, her eyes really blue out here where the sky and ocean reflected in them.

I gripped her arm gently, so she couldn’t run away from this again. “I’m sorry, but that’s it now. He’s never gonna come back to you. He’s got a new life. You’ve got to move on too.” I was glad she didn’t try to pull loose or look away. “I’ve got you away from there. You’ve got two weeks. But in these two weeks, Lind, you’ve got to let him go. For your sake, not his, or anyone else’s. Because you need to start your life over without Jason.”

She didn’t answer.

Shit. A wave rolled in, a lot bigger than the last. It washed right at us, sweeping up and swilling about our legs, over our jeans, coming over my knees and even higher. The water was freezing, like bathing in firckin’ ice.

Lindy screamed, trying to rush backwards, but stumbling, just as I felt the ocean dragging the sand out from beneath my feet, sucking it away as the wave headed back out.

With my shoes gripped in one hand, I only had the other to save her. I caught her arm but she’d lost balance. She went down, tumbling into the water as it pulled away, dragging the wet sand from all around her, pulling it down the beach and out toward the ocean.

She laughed and grabbed my arm, then pulled on me to get up. But I was off-balance too, as the sand got dragged out from under my feet…

“Shit.”

I landed on my hip, on the far side of her, my legs all tangled up with hers as the water swilled away, leaving us there like a couple of fish flapping on the sand.

She still laughed, her head on the ground, her hair in the sand. It was a laugh-or-cry moment for her. I was glad she’d chosen laughter. I hadn’t heard her laugh for months.

As much as we’d used to shout at each other in college we’d used to laugh a lot too. We always used to piss Jason off when we’d be arguing one minute and then laughing the next. This was us. This was how we were.

The girl was meant for me.

Why the fuck had she never been able to see it?

She needed my fire, like I needed hers.

She looked at me, her head turning as she stopped laughing.

I smiled when her blue eyes looked right into me and my fingers stroked her sticky, salty, damp hair from her forehead. “Two weeks, Lind. Promise me? Two weeks to mourn him, then let him go, and go back and make a life for yourself without him.” I didn’t expect her to pick me instead. We’d travelled that road and it hadn’t worked out…

If she was ever gonna be into me, she’d have known it by now. But I was into her and I couldn’t bear to see her hurting. It had to end, and if I could do nothing else for her, then I’d get her over it and help her start again.

But fuck, it was going to hurt me once she’d pulled herself together and moved on to someone else.

I sat up. “Damned sneaker waves!”

“If that was a sneaker it was a wimp…” She laughed as she sat up too.

“I’m not on about that one…” There was another one coming in, a huge one.

“Ahh,” she screamed, but she laughed as she struggled to get up.

It rolled in at a fast pace, foaming and frothing, we were on our feet, but it crashed into us, coming up to my waist.

I caught her up off her feet, gripping her in one arm, and stepping off the shifting sand as it tried to drag us with it, while holding my sneakers up above the water.

When the wave swept back out, I got us away from the water and set her on her feet.

“Oh my God.” Her laughter turned to horror as she caught her breath, looking at me, her shoes lifting to point at me. “You look a mess––”

“So do you.” I lifted one brow at her.

“Oh my God, my hair…” Her hand touched it. “We better go back.”

Our jeans clung like a second skin and the white sleeveless tee Lindy had on beneath her open sweater had me swallowing. Every contour of her stomach and chest was visible through the translucent cotton, as well as the pale-pink lacy bra her nipples showed through. She’d be freezing when the shock wore off.

Shit. I looked up, then laughed. Her hair was matted with salt and sand, and stuck to her head in rats’ tails.

Her shoes hit my shoulder. “Don’t laugh at me!”

I still laughed. “Come on. You need a shower. You’re all sandy.”

“You douche,” she said as she turned away.

Lindy

“Two weeks to mourn him, then let him go, and go back and make a life for yourself.”

I sighed, Billy was right. I knew that.

I let the water run over my head as I rinsed my hair under the shower.

Forget him.

I wish I could.

I wish my heart wasn’t empty. I wish my soul didn’t feel like I was dead and in Hell. I longed to let Jason go, because then maybe I could feel like a whole person again, not like someone with an arm cut off. Not like discarded trash.

But forgetting Jason was hard when I hurt so much and I’d needed someone. He was meant to be here. To help me.

My tears mingled with the water from the shower. I’d cried every day for months. I wanted to stop crying. But how could I get over him? How could I work out what to do without him?

We lived in a small town. I walked past his shop all the time and saw the girl he’d dumped me for with him, standing where I used to. A constant reminder that I wasn’t good enough.

Leaning back against the tiles, I let the tears come and the water wash them away. Then I slid down to the floor, sitting with my knees bent, my hands gripping in my hair, as hurt roared through me.

Why was life so unfair? Why did all this have to happen to us? Why had Jason let me down when I’d needed him?

I needed him…

I wish someone would take this pain away.

That was why I’d taken the pills. Because the pain in my head was too much.

But that had been unfair––selfish and mean. I hadn’t been thinking properly.

Mom.

I was a coward. She wasn’t. She was brave and I loved her so much.

My cell rang. I’d heard a couple of texts arrive earlier.

I didn’t know how long I’d been in the shower.

Whoever was calling hung up.

But a moment later my cell started ringing again.

I got up, not hurrying, and turned off the shower. By the time I’d wrapped a towel around me, to hide my body so I didn’t have to see it in the mirror as I passed it, my cell rang for the fourth time. I caught up another towel and wrapped it around my hair.

Something thumped the door of my room. I’d guess the side of Billy’s fist.

“Lindy! Are you in there! Answer! You’re scaring the fuck out of me! How long does it take to have a fricking shower! Lind! Lind! Are you okay?”

I hurried across the apartment and shouted through the door, “I’m just putting on my makeup, give me a minute.”

“I’ll wait!”

I hurried back into the bathroom, unzipped my makeup purse and began applying foundation.

“Lind, come on!” Billy shouted after a while.

I stroked the mascara brush up my eyelashes one last time.

“Lind!” He bashed the door again as I pulled out my lip gloss.

“Wait!” My hand shook as I painted the lipgloss on.

When I opened the door he was just about to bash it again, and the side of his fist came flying at me, I fell back, leaning out of the way. Instead of hitting me, his hand grabbed my arm.

“You okay?” His eyes and his voice were loaded with concern.

He smelt good. He had on a clean white tee, that stretched tight across his chest, hugging all his muscular contours.

Billy always looked good, even on the beach earlier, when he’d been covered in sand and salt.

“Lind, I thought… I’m not saying what I thought…” I knew what he’d thought; he didn’t have to say it. He’d thought I’d taken an overdose.

“I was just having a shower.”

My new guilt complex poked a finger in my ribs. We were good friends. I’d loved him like a brother for years, and I guess he felt the same about me. I lifted up onto my toes and hugged him. The guy had taken two weeks off to bring me here, and paid, and planned it all. Tears slipped out.

Billy stood outside my room, so technically I was in the hall, in a towel sobbing, with my arms wrapped around his neck.

He lifted me up, like I was nothing. His massive biceps like bars around me, and carried me into the room three paces before shutting the door with his heel.

He put me down then, his big hands bracing my head, and then he kissed my temple. It was a protective gesture. I’d scared him.

His fingers splayed on my cheeks as he looked into my eyes.

I liked his eyes. They were always warm, they were dark blue, but there was heat in them. The guy had always been the complete opposite of Jason.

“I’m allowing this,” he said, “because this is your mourning time, but you’re gonna have to stop crying in seven days, and you are definitely gonna have to carry your cell at all times. You scared the crap out of me.”

I knew. He’d hugged me back fiercely.

His hands dropped. “Do you want me to get lost until you’re dressed?”

“No, stay. I’ll get my stuff and change in the bathroom. You can talk to me around the door.” I didn’t want to be alone.

I valued his friendship. I’d lost touch with all my girlfriends the summer we’d left high school because everything in my life had changed and I’d turned to Jason. I’d spent every moment with him, and Billy had become mine and Jason’s shared possession. He could be relied on for anything.

I grabbed my clothes up from the bed I’d pulled out from the sofa.

He hadn’t answered.

I glanced back.

An odd expression twisted his lips, but he smiled. “Okay. I’ll wait out here.” He turned away and headed toward the balcony. “What do you want to do once you’re ready?”

“I’d like to go back to the beach!” I headed into the bathroom. “The air down by the ocean felt good. There was so much energy in it. We can paddle now you’ve got your cargo shorts on.”

“I’d have thought you’d have had enough of the ocean?”

I pushed the bathroom door up so there was only a narrow crack we could talk around.

“I don’t mind splashing around in the shallows! I hate swimming in the ocean, though! It scares me! You never know what’s beneath the water and if the seaweed wraps around my legs I think it’s something horrible!”

“Then I guess you’re not gonna want to go surfing with me? I was gonna take you out on my board.”

“Since when did you learn to surf?” I looked up, avoiding the reflection of my ass in the mirror as I slipped my panties on, without taking the towel off. My heart pounded. I hated seeing myself in mirrors. Scratch that. I just hated myself. I hated my face and I detested my body.

“I learned here, the summer we left high school. I’ve come out here every year since. Believe me, it’s awesome. Just sitting out there letting the waves swill under you, until the right one comes along, and then you fly…”

I hadn’t even known he’d been out here. But the summer we’d left high school, I’d had other things on my mind. Like Mom. And last summer Jason had decided that what he really wanted to do was leave me behind and go fulfill some dream I’d never heard of before.

“Don’t worry, we’ll go paddling and jump the waves like little kids.”

I faced the mirror once my body was hidden under my clothes. The makeup mask I’d painted on my face looked back at me. I looked okay. I think I’d managed to hide the fact I’d been crying but I was overly pale. . My skin could do with some sunshine. I’d hardly gone out of the house for months.

“What’s taking you so long?”

“I’ve got to dry my hair.”

“Lind, you’re going down by the ocean, it’s salty and damp. Forget your hair.”

“No way! I am not looking ugly just ‘cause I’m gonna be walking on a beach.”

“Believe me, you did not look ugly in that towel combo…”

I laughed, though the sound only came from my throat not my soul. Billy was vibrant, full of talk, and a just-do-it attitude… I really did like all those things about him. Jason had always been more silent, thoughtful and hesitant. I really did need Billy’s company to get me out of my shell and over Jason.

He didn’t say anything else as I finished getting ready, and if he had said anything when I turned on the hairdryer I wouldn’t have heard.

When I came out of the bathroom, he still stood out on the balcony.

“Hey.”

He turned and his gaze dropped to my bare feet, then ran up my legs, over my mini-skirt and up to my face. “Sorry.”

I frowned. What did he have to be sorry for?

He stepped forward. “Come on, then, let’s go jump some little bitty waves.” His hand lifted.

I held it for a moment, but then let go. “Is there a pool somewhere outdoors?”

“Yeah, there’s a pool.”

“Cool, I’ll swim when we go to the pool. I like swimming outdoors, but in a place where there’s no seaweed and fish.”

“Wimp,” he said, as I slipped my sandals on. “Swimming in the ocean is exhilarating… You could swim in a pool back home.” There was a breathless sound of excitement in his voice. Billy was all about energy rushes, exercising, discovering, danger––full-on intensity no matter what he did. When we were at college just watching him wore me out.

“You okay?”

I smiled. “Yeah.”

“Come on, then.”

Billy

My chest was hollow. There was no fucking air in the room. Lindy had on a little denim mini skirt that was frayed at the hem, and the flowery camisole thing she wore with it had tiny little straps that could be slipped off her shoulders so easily, and it hung loose over her breasts, just begging me to do that.

She’d called me a douche on the beach; I was a douche. I was so sickeningly hungry for a girl I couldn’t have.

It looked like she was wearing a pale-peach bikini top underneath the camisole, and I imagined my hand slipping inside that to cup her soft breast.

You are sick, Billy.

She picked up a sweater with a zipper and turned to go ahead of me out of the room. My gaze dropped to her legs. She had good legs. She was short but perfectly proportioned, like a little blonde Barbie doll.

Hunger gripped hard in my gut.

Great. It was going to be a long painful, pitiful two weeks.

Her fingers shook as she unlocked the catch on the door. That had my lust subsiding and love and friendship taking over. I just wanted to protect her… and that included from me.

I got the door and held it open as she walked out. Then, like before, I walked along beside her, with my hands in my pockets to keep them off of her. But this time we did talk.

She asked me about work, about my clients, and then asked me who I kept in contact with from college, that led to us reminiscing as we walked along the shore, while the ocean waves rolled up, rippling over our bare feet, as we carried our shoes.

It was nice… But it felt false, because the guilt inside me kept burning. Lindy looked vulnerable and heartbroken, walking next to me, swilling her feet in the frothing water, and brushing her toes through the shifting sand, her head down and her voice quiet.

She was sad. But at least now she was trying not to be trapped in it.

We’d walked the whole length of the beach when I looked at my watch and saw it was gone six. I suggested we walked back up to the town and looked for somewhere to eat. She looked at me for the first time in hours and nodded.

We found a seafood restaurant and sat inside out of the breeze to eat.

The conversation lapsed into silence a couple of times, but it was an easier silence.

My guilt kept poking me, though, like someone jabbing a finger.

When we’d finished eating, I said, “Shall we order another drink and go and sit outside? Then we can watch the sunset.”

She nodded at me. Her eyes looked a little glassy from the drink. She’d had two large glasses of wine, and now she’d moved on to a cocktail.

“Come on, then.” We got a table right at the edge of the terrace. No one was sitting around us, as the ocean breeze was cold.

She pulled her sweater around her a bit more. “I know what you thought this afternoon.”

I looked at her, my grip tightening on the beer bottle. We’d been avoiding serious subjects, dancing around them, but I was taking my lead from her. If she wanted to talk serious things that was okay. I lifted an eyebrow at her.

“You thought I’d taken an overdose again or done something else when I was in the shower.”

I let go of my beer, reached over and embraced her small hand, that lay on the table.

Her blue eyes looked into mine.

“I’m not going to do it again, Billy. It was a mistake. A moment of weakness. I hurt people. I am not going to hurt them again. You don’t need to worry. I’m just sorry you got mixed up in it. Sorry I scared you.”

“You already said sorry…” My fingers squeezed hers as my guilt punched at me rather than poked. It was me who needed to apologize. “Lind…” This was touching an untouchable subject, but I couldn’t spend two weeks with her and not say it. “I…” God I needed to get a pair of balls. “What happened in the fall––”

Her hand pulled free from mine and she leaned back in her chair, taking her drink with her, her big eyes staring at me.

I took a breath. “It’s me who owes you an apology. I know you didn’t want it to happen.” Her forehead screwed up. She didn’t want to talk about it, but we had to. “All you wanted was someone to hold you and I took it too far.”

Dual tears rolled down her cheeks and she sipped her drink, her gaze dropping to the table. She shut her eyes, like she could just make me disappear and not listen.

But I carried on. I had to say this. I needed to get it out. “I’m sorry. I feel like… I forced you into it.”

Her eyes opened and she leaned forward, setting her drink down. “Do we have to talk about this?” She still wasn’t looking at me.

“Yeah. I’m living with it and I can’t stand it. I want to put things straight. I’m sorry. Now I’ve thought about it, I feel like I raped you.”

She glanced up at me, pain in her eyes. Now I couldn’t look at her. My head dropped and I sipped my beer, shame slashing a knife at my chest.

I’d had a drink that night, we both had. Jason had gone to New York a couple of months before. She’d gone out with me, to talk, and we’d been talking but I drove her out to the lake and parked up, to keep talking before I took her home. She’d got upset and turned to hug me, her arms hanging around my neck.

She’d wanted comfort, that’s all, but I’d had a drink and I’d read it wrong, and my form of comfort had been to kiss her.

She’d answered it, she’d been in a mess over Jason, she’d been hurting, she’d needed someone, and she’d accepted me.

She’d had on a short loose skirt and my hand had roamed where it shouldn’t have gone, sliding up her thigh, then I’d I gripped her shoulders and tipped her backwards so we were both lying down… I’d taken it way too far. She hadn’t stopped me. I wish she had stopped me. She just hadn’t said anything, and let me do it.

With my beer-fogged head, I’d carried on…

The look in her eyes had haunted me for all the months we hadn’t been talking. She’d stared at me, just lying there, waiting for me to finish.

I’d been an ass. She hadn’t said no, but she hadn’t said yes either.

When we’d finished, or when I had finished––she hadn’t taken any part in it. She’d sat up, with tears running down her cheeks. When I drove her home, she’d cried all the way back into town. Then she’d jumped out the SUV as fast as she could, and run into her house.

When I’d seen her the next time, neither of us had acknowledged what happened. We had never spoken about it. Not that night and not since. We’d just carried on pretending it hadn’t happened.

But it had happened.

The only time it had been mentioned was when Jason threw it at her that he knew. Apparently she’d talked to his cousin about it, and his cousin had told Rachel. Ever since then I’d been wondering what she’d told his cousin. The more I’d thought about that night, since then, the guiltier I’d got. Why hadn’t she said no? She hadn’t enjoyed it; she hadn’t wanted to do it…

“You didn’t,” Lindy whispered.

I looked up.

The onyx centers at the heart of her blue eyes were huge. She shook her head, disgust gripping her expression.

I didn’t blame her. I was disgusted with myself. But I was facing up to this. I leaned forward, resting my elbows on the table. “I am sorry, and I told Jason the other night that it was all me. You weren’t unfaithful to him, you were just looking for someone to hold you and I took it too far…”

More tears rolled onto her cheeks as her gaze fell. She wiped them away as her eyes shut. But then they opened and her head came up, anger burned there, accusing me. “Why the hell did you tell him? It’s none of his business! Why did you talk about it?”

“I…” Because that was what I thought you’d want––for Jason to know the truth.

“You shouldn’t have said anything to him!”

She stood up, drank the last of her cocktail and thrust the empty glass down on the table, then turned away. “I’m going down to the beach.”

Shit.

I left my beer and headed inside to settle the check so I could follow.

Chapter Three

Lindy

I sat on the dry sand, hugging my knees, looking out at the ocean. The sky was painted red by the setting sun.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. What was worse, that he thought doing it with me was like rape? Or that he’d actually told my ex that?

Humiliation swept through me like a rippling wave and nausea gripped at my belly.

Oh my God, Billy! I hate you right now!

Sand kicked up against my thigh.

He’d followed. He dropped down next to me, copying my posture, leaning forward and gripping his knees.

I wiped the tears off my cheeks.

His big arm came around me.

I turned into him and then both his arms were around me. This was where it had begun in the fall.

He’d held me, then I’d lifted my head and he’d kissed me. I hadn’t really kissed him back but I hadn’t stopped him. I’d felt so broken, I hadn’t cared, and he’d made me feel wanted. When I’d felt unwanted and lonely for weeks.

Frick, if I’d been lonely then, what about now? Jason hadn’t just moved away, he’d dumped me… He had left me alone.

“I’m sorry, Lind.”

No, I wasn’t alone. I had Billy… and Dad…

My counselor told me––when you think negative, change it to positive… There were hardly any positives…

I pulled free of Billy’s hold and turned, looking at the ocean and hugging my knees.

One of his hands fell to the sand. He picked some up, then let it run through his fingers, like an hour glass––a life glass––time just ran away.

His other arm settled on his bent-up knees.

He hadn’t raped me. I had let it happen and regretted it after, and never spoken about it with him. “It wasn’t rape, Billy.”

How did I tell a guy all the mixed-up shit I had in my head. I didn’t understand anything myself, so how could I expect anyone else to. Jason hadn’t.

Billy watched the last of the sand slip through his fingers, then he looked at me.

“I didn’t stop you, because I wanted it too…” At the time, it had been comforting, in a stupid way.

“But not with me, Lind, admit it. I was just a Jason-replacement.”

That part was true. “Is that what you told him?”

“Yeah, because I didn’t want him to keep thinking you’d betrayed him.”

Bitterness thrust a knife into my belly. “Or keep thinking you had, ‘cause you wanted to make up and get your best friend back…”

His Adam’s apple shifted as he took a breath. “I did betray him. I betrayed you both… But… Look… Just say you forgive me and we’ll move on from it.”

“I don’t need to forgive you. It happened. That’s all. At the time I needed it.” Despair crashed into me, like another sneaker wave hit us, ripping into me and trying to drag me out into the ocean.

Frigid. That’s what Jason’s new girlfriend had called me. She’d said he’d told her I was no better than sleeping with stone, and now Billy thought doing it with me was like rape.

My forehead dropped onto my knees as I let the wave of pain wash away, and the tears came again… I just wanted everything to be normal. I wanted to turn back time and make sure none of this had happened. But it was happening, and I couldn’t change it.

Think positive––I’d got to twenty-two and had years of happiness to remember and hold on to, and Dad and I could make loads more happy memories.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I lifted my head and looked at Billy. I couldn’t fix other things, but I could fix this…“Why did you think I didn’t want to?”

“Why?” The surprise in his voice was matched by his eyebrows lifting. He thought it was obvious.

He dropped his second handful of sand, rubbed his palms on his shorts, then rested his forearms on his bent knees. “You hardly moved.” A sigh left his lips. “I was going to stop, but I didn’t know which was worse, to stop and pretend it hadn’t gone too far or… Well…” He looked at me. “Sorry.”

My forehead dropped on to my knees, so I could hide. I was that bad.

The weight of his palm settled on my shoulder, then rubbed a little before tugging me against him.

I fell into him, sobbing, still hugging my knees, not holding him, but he held me. “Lindy. I really am sorry.”

“I’m shit,” I said against his shoulder. “I’m crap in bed.” I’d never felt comfortable with sex, probably because I’d never felt comfortable with myself. I didn’t like sex. It just made me aware of all the bits of my body I hated and didn’t want to think about. Sex had always been awkward.

A laugh rumbled in his chest.

I pulled away and smacked his shoulder. “It’s not funny.”

Jason had left me because of it. He was all over Rachel, touching and kissing her. I’d even seen them full-on kissing in the store.

He’d never kissed me like that. Our sex had been crap, and it had not been his fault because he didn’t seem to have a problem with Rachel.

It had been my fault and he’d been mean enough to tell his new girlfriend and she’d fucking cruelly told me.

Billy’s palm lifted, calling truce. “Okay, it’s not funny. It’s just the way you said it.”

Awesome. He’d gone from an apology to laughing at me, humor hovered in his eyes.

I pushed myself up and headed toward the ocean. The sun was a giant-red ball dipping its toes.

“Lindy! I didn’t mean to upset you!”

I slipped my sandals off, bent and picked them up, while he caught up with me.

“Honest, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to laugh.”

I looked at him, my eyes accusing. “You’re getting good at saying sorry, Billy.”

His lips twisted in a dismissing smirk, but his eyes questioned me.

I poked my tongue out at him then turned toward the ocean again. I could just keep walking. Walk into the waves and let them take away the turmoil in my head. But shame and guilt wouldn’t let me do it now I’d seen how much it would hurt Mom and Dad… and anyway, I was afraid of the ocean and everything beneath it.

I turned to walk parallel to the waves. His arm came around me. The weight of his hand on my shoulder. Frickin’ tears started falling again. He pulled me against him as we walked. The world span.

I needed to be held and loved. The feeling rippled through my nerves. It was that feeling that had made me let him do it in the SUV. Jason had been miles away in New York.

I pulled free of Billy and moved away, walking along in the last ripples of the waves. The water was freezing, numbing my feet. Like life had numbed my soul.

My belly did a queasy turn as I looked down at the water. The sky had turned a deeper, darker blue. It was getting dark. The sun had nearly disappeared. I felt a bit drunk now.

“Why am I so bad at doing it?” I looked over at Billy.

The douche laughed again.

I lifted my hand to hit him with my sandals, but he grabbed my wrist, meeting my glare with a look that said, no way.

“Lashing out is a habit you need to get out of, Lind.”

Maybe it was, but it was a good way to vent everything I felt. I growled at him, snarling.

He laughed openly, but then he bent and––

Frick! The guy picked me up like a fireman, so I dangled over his massive shoulder. My belly revolted. “Billy! Billy!”

He started walking back up the beach, in the direction of our apartments.

“Billy!”

Nausea rolling through me, I smacked his ass with my sandals. “Billy put me down, I feel sick!”

He still didn’t.

“Billy!”

He just kept walking, laughter rumbling in his chest. “I’m sorting you out once and for all girl.”

A guy we passed gave me an odd look. Billy was flashing my panties at the other people on the beach.

“Put me down! I’m gonna be sick, Billy!” I screamed this time. He didn’t stop. My belly lurched. “If you don’t, I’m gonna be sick all down your back!” I was desperate now.

He stopped. I think he’d got the message.

He slid me off his shoulder, lowering me carefully.

I didn’t stop to rant. I was going to be sick. Oh, I felt bad.

I turned and ran. My head pounded out a message that I’d drunk too much.

I really was gonna be sick.

When I got to my apartment, I swiped my key, shoved the door open and ran for the bathroom.

When Billy came in, I was on my knees leaning over the toilet bowl. Happy pills, cocktails and being tipped upside down really didn’t mix.

“You okay? Dumb question, you’re obviously not. Shit.” He turned, filling a glass with water as I kept retching.

His hand settled on my back when I finished. Then there was a tumbler of water in my hand. I didn’t drink it. I was sweating and shivery and I felt awful. He took it back out my hand and put it on the floor. Then as I just collapsed over the toilet bowl, he sat on the bathroom floor across the room, with his back against the tiles.

“Lindy?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk.

“Are those your pills?” He was looking up at a shelf over the sink.

I grunted and was sick again.

He got up, picked them up looked at how many were there and then read the packet. “You’re not meant to drink alcohol with these…”

Yeah, I knew that. My head had a hammer in it reminding me, and I was throwing up in the pan.

When I finished this time, there was a cold washcloth pressed into my hand. “I’ll stay in your room tonight. Make sure you’re okay.”

I didn’t say anything. I felt too sick to care.

Lindy

When I woke the sunlight in the room hurt my eyes and I blinked a dozen times. Billy had picked me up in the bathroom and carried me to bed last night. I must have fallen asleep leaning on the toilet.

He came into focus. He sat on the bed, wearing the same cargo shorts and t-shirt.

“Can I have a glass of water?”

“Here.” There was one beside the bed. He just reached for it and handed it to me as I sat up.

I sipped it, watching him.

“You talk in your sleep.”

“Great. What did I say?”

Not answering, he got up and pulled his cell out of his back pocket, looking at something on it, as his thumb moved the screen and kept tapping it.

“Billy, what are you doing?”

“Give me a minute.” He didn’t look at me.

I sat up properly, sipping the water again. He still didn’t look at me. “What, Billy?”

“I said give me a minute…”

A smile touched my lips. We could argue, and we had argued, but there had never been anything underlying or hidden between us, well not until we’d done it in his SUV. But even then, he’d still met up with me a couple of days later, and we’d still got on okay. With Billy you got what you saw.

Since Jason had dumped me, I’d spent hours wondering how long he’d wanted to dump me. He’d gone to New York to get away from me. But he hadn’t had the balls to tell me… Last night Billy had come right out and told me how he’d been feeling––

“Here.” He threw his cell on the bed and pointed at it. “I’m gonna go down to the gym. You take a look at that.” His cheeks were scored with pink, like he was embarrassed.

“Billy?”

“You’ve been moaning half the night about how bad sex is. That’s your answer.”

“What?”

“I looked up a website for you. How to jerk yourself off. You don’t need a guy, Lind. Learn to do it yourself.”

Oh my God. “Billy!” That was crazy. Now my cheeks burned. I put the water down. “What did Jason tell you?!”

“Jason didn’t tell me anything. You said it all in your sleep, and last night.”

“Liar. He told you I’d never had one didn’t he?” There was a mirror on the wall across the room. I caught sight of my face. My makeup had run. I looked awful. I hated seeing myself in mirrors.

“Jason didn’t say anything! I told him you hadn’t wanted to do it with me, you’d been thinking of him. That’s all.”

Frick… could he make me more embarrassed? It was like being whipped. “And Jason, said!”

Billy bent down his hands settling on the mattress either side of me, his dark-blue gaze striking mine. “I swear, he never said anything. But his eyebrows lifted. So after your night’s babbling I guess it wasn’t much better with him…”

I was gonna slap him, but he caught my wrist. “Lind, leave off the slapping or I’ll tip you over my shoulder again and this time I’ll just throw you in the shower to cool your temper down.”

But I had good reason to be angry. “I can’t believe you two were talking about me!” I tried to yank my arm free but he wouldn’t let go. “Billy!”

I pulled again and nearly fell back when he let go. He caught my arm again. ”Lindy. I looked it up so you don’t have to. I didn’t want you to come across anything you wouldn’t want to see––”

“And how do you even know where to find shit like that?”

“I’m a guy. We pretty much covered every type of porn on our cells at high school.”

“I’m a guy…” I mocked.

He let my arm go. “Whatever, Lind. You can look at it or not. I’m going down to the gym. Then I’ll have a shower and knock for you, okay?” As he turned away, his fingers ran through his hair, then immediately ruffled it to re-spike it. That stupid leather bracelet I’d made at high school shifted on his wrist.

Was he implying I did it now?

“I’ll see you later.” He said from the door, glancing back.

This was too weird.

The door shut.

I got up, running away from his cell, that lay on the bed.

Why did he think I’d do that?

When I faced the bathroom mirror, it wasn’t me I looked at. My makeup had smeared around my eyes.

I shut them.

What the frick must Billy think? In 24 hours he’d seen me soaked in salt and sand, throwing up and then like this…

I turned away from the image, stripped off and got in the shower.

The water was warm and it teemed down over my head, washing all my pain away for a few moments.

Truth hurt.

What Jason had told Rachel was true.

I’d never had any pleasure from sex. We’d just done it. Or rather I’d let Jason do it. Boys wanted to do that stuff. It had always just felt uncomfortable to me. Lying there and trying to feel things that I really didn’t. I’d thought it was like that for everyone––until I’d seen him with Rachel.

The guy who was supposed to be mine… my support… my defender… my hero… Had humiliated me and told his new girl I was bad in bed.

But since I’d talked to the counselor I’d realized I’d been piling all my anger on Jason, when most of it was nothing to do with him. It was only fate and I’d pushed him away, probably, because I’d been too busy fighting all the insecurity and pain I was at war with. I knew that––when I was honest with myself.

I’d been relying on him for everything, and not let him rely on me.

I toppled back against the tiles. Tears came again and anger gripped at me. I’d spent so many months wrapped up in anger. I wanted to smash the room up; smash the world up. Because the world was cruel.

I switched the shower off and wrapped myself in the towels. Then went back into the bedroom and threw myself down on the bed.

Billy’s cell stared at me.

I ignored it for ages. But it started shouting at me to just pick it up.

I did.

When I tapped the screen, it opened on the website he’d looked up.

Trying not to think, or judge, or fear this, I scrolled through what it said.

The demonstrations made my skin crawl; that was why teenage boys looked this shit up. Heat burned in my skin as I watched, trying not to overthink.

Oh my God.

Chapter Four

Billy

Lindy’s eyes sparkled in the white light when she walked into the gym.

I pressed the weights back up, the bite gripping in my arms and chest. I’d taken my tee off because I’d got hot. I’d turned the air con up too.

Her eyes dropped to my tattoo. She’d never seen my leopard.

“I didn’t know you had that.”

I set the bar back onto the brackets, then slid out from underneath it and sat up, breathing hard. I picked up my tee and wiped the sweat off my brow, then my chest. Lindy’s gaze followed the movement of the cloth.

“I had it done here, last summer, when we left college.”

“It’s beautiful. I like it.”

My lips twisted in a bitter smile. I’d had the thing done out of anger. It was a little like self-harm. The leopard looked like it climbed one side of my chest, scratching my shoulder, leaving scores of blood. Another claw cut into my belly and the other on my side, while its tail flicked up and curled around to my back. It was in memory of a girl, without having her name as a giveaway mark. The girl was Lindy.

I’d been angry with her. No, that was a lie. I’d been angry with myself for not being able to stop wanting her.

Her gaze followed the path of the leopard, dropping down to my abs. Then she looked up at my face.

“Your cell rang.” She held it out.

“Who?”

“Jason.”

Shit. Well she looked like she’d been playing with herself and that must have brought her down to earth with a bump.

I took it from her hand, then pulled up the missed calls. Sure enough Jason’s number was there. I called the messages.

“Hey, Billy. You’ve disappeared, I was gonna ask you to go out for a drink again but your mom said you’d gone out of town. Everything okay?” I deleted the message. I didn’t call back. I’d catch up with him when Lindy and I got back.

“How are you?” I asked her.

“Okay. Have you finished?”

“If you want me to be finished?”

She’d showered, blow-dried her hair and put her makeup straight. The white sleeveless tee she had on was a little sheer. I could see the green halter-neck bikini top she had on underneath it through the cotton and she was wearing shorts that showed every curve of her legs off. I did like her legs.

“What do you want to do?”

Her arms had crossed since she’d handed me the cell, and now she shrugged.

“We can go down to the beach and lie in the sun, or go down to the pool and swim…”

“I liked the beach yesterday. Let’s go back down to the beach.”

“Well, you’re gonna have to give me time to shower.”

“Are you going back up to your room?”

“Yeah, I need clean clothes as well as a shower, unless you want a companion who stinks.”

She smiled with a sudden look of warmth catching in her eyes, the Lindy of happiness and high school shining through; the one who had somehow got lost in the last couple of years.

I stood up, wiping my face with my tee again. Then met her gaze.

“So did you?”

That question had been tumbling around in my head for an hour and more. Asking it kicked me in the belly and sent a jolt of lust to my cock.

I’d been exercising with an uncomfortable condition, thinking about her––up in her room… Imagining. I shook my head, I probably shouldn’t have asked.

She didn’t answer anyway.

She turned away, acting like I hadn’t asked the question, but as she did, her skin turned red.

I’d lay a bet she had. And that made my condition worse; blood pulsed into my cock.

But she could just be embarrassed I’d mentioned it. That would be like Lindy too.

My fingers combed through my hair. Then I caught my image in the mirror and ruffled my hair so it spiked again.

A part of me wondered if I’d brought her here not to make amends but to try and win her. Maybe I had been kidding myself that I was able to just let her go at last.

Whatever, I was still turned on, even though she wasn’t turned on by me. Well that was the suicide sentence I’d been living for years––watching her with Jason.

I followed her upstairs, but she didn’t talk until she got to her room. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah.” I nodded at her before going into mine.

I sorted myself out in the shower, jerking off as the water streamed over me, and ah, shit, the images playing through my head were her, lying on her bed and doing the same, holding my cell.

When I got dressed, I pulled my cut-offs on over my swim shorts, rubbed my hair with a towel to dry it a little, then slicked it up with styling wax, before pulling on a dark-blue tee. I locked my cell and wallet in the room safe, grabbed a zip sweat top and threw it on as I left the room.

When I knocked Lindy’s door, it opened straight away. “You took your time.”

I grinned at her, heat burning in my cheeks. My turn to be embarrassed. “You ready?”

She blushed too then. “Yeah, I’ll get my backpack.”

This was gonna be one long day of awkward. My hands slid into the front pockets of my cut-offs. I had a rolled blanket under my arm that I’d got out of the SUV for us to sit on.

We didn’t talk walking down to the beach. My brain couldn’t come up with any right stuff to say and she didn’t have anything to say. But then there was the whole choosing where we sat: dry sand that was uneven, or on the flat wet sand. The breeze rolled in with the ocean whipping up a mini sandstorm.

We picked dry sand.

“I’ve got more blankets in the SUV and tent poles. Why don’t I make a den? We can pen ourselves in, out of the breeze, if we’re gonna sit.”

“Okay.”

I handed her the blanket. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

She was standing in the same place when I got back. Just staring out at the ocean, looking uncomfortable.

“I’m cold.” She looked at me, hugging the blanket to her chest.

“It’ll be warm inside our den. It’s like a cocoon.” When I smiled, she smiled back at me. “Go on, throw the blanket out and I’ll build the den around you.”

I positioned the tent poles in a square around the blanket she sat on and taped four blankets on them, with duct tape, making a little wall around us that would keep the breeze and sand out. I’d been to California once, with my family, years ago, beaches were warm there… Not here…

She laughed at me, “You’re crazy. Have you done this before?”

“Not four-sided, but yes I’ve built them before for myself if the wind’s whipping sand at you.”

“Did you and Jason build dens when you were kids?”

I smiled at her as I taped the last blanket up. “Yeah.”

She laughed again.

There were only a few people about on the beach. Some flying kites and playing ball.

Climbing into our new den, I grinned as I dropped to sit on the blanket next to her.

She slid her backpack off her shoulder. Then her knees bent up as she leaned forward and gripped her ankles. “You’re right, it’s warm down here out of the breeze.”

“I’m always right.”

She glanced at me, turned pink and then looked away.

I undid the button on my fly.

Lind caught the movement and blushed again…

Yep, today was going to be a whole ton of awkward.

I smiled to dismiss her insecurity as I stood up to unzip my cut-offs. When I let them drop, she looked away.

“If I’m here to get some sun, I’m getting some sun.” I stripped off my sweat top.

She looked at me again. “It’s still cold, even in here.”

“Don’t be feeble.” I gripped the hem of my tee and pulled it up and off.

She was bright red as she turned to her backpack and started delving in it.

I lay down on my belly next to her.

“Do you want screen.” She held out a tube of sun screen.

“Trust you to come with protection.”

Another blush.

She so had.

Shit, my cock twitched, right at the moment her cold hand touched my back.

She hadn’t waited on my agreement. But I wasn’t complaining. Her touch was gentle and careful.

When she’d finished, she threw the screen on top of her backpack and lay down next to me, still fully clothed.

I turned my head to look at her, resting my cheek on my crossed arms. She was on her back and she’d shut her eyes. “Aren’t you gonna strip down to your bikini?”

Her head turned. “No, it’s cold, and I don’t like to strip off.”

“You’re weird. Nearly every girl I know would freeze to get a tan.”

“Yeah, well I’m not every girl.”

Yeah, I did know that, but she was weird sometimes. “Get your shorts off, get your top off, and get some sun on your skin. It’ll make you feel better.”

She rolled onto her belly, mirroring my posture, with her arms folded and her cheek on the back of her hands as she looked at me. “No.”

I frowned at her. “Come on, take your stuff off.”

“No, I really don’t want to.”

“Why?”

“Billy, don’t push me.”

“No, the more you refuse, the more you make me think there’s something wrong. What’s wrong with taking your stuff off.”

“I hate my stomach!” she growled at me, rolling onto her back and then sitting up.

Frick. I laughed.

The flat of her fist hit my shoulder.

“I thought we’d covered stopping the violence last night…”

She poked her tongue out at me, but there really was anger in her eyes.

I turned my head to rest my forehead on my crossed arms. “Lind, your stomach is fine.”

“I don’t feel comfortable.” Her pitch rang with annoyance.

I looked at her again. There was nothing wrong with her! “Lind. Take your fucking stuff off. You’ve got a gorgeous body.” Perhaps I shouldn’t be admitting I thought that, but whatever. “Just take it off. You look thinner than 90 percent of the women in this town!”

“Billy!” That was a reprimand to keep my voice down.

“Just take your stuff off and lie down!”

She’d turned bright red and my guess was it was through anger as much as embarrassment. Glaring at me she gripped the hem of her sweat top, and as it turned out her sleeveless tee, ‘cause when she pulled it up, she pulled both off and threw them on top of my head. So I couldn’t see her.

When I moved them off, she’d lain down again, and her shorts weren’t off but she must have undone them, because they were pushed down to where her bikini bottoms were. I could see the emerald-green line.

Cock twitch.

She was not overweight. “There’s nothing wrong with how you look.”

Her head turned, her cheek resting on her folded arms, as her blue eyes stared at me.

“Like yourself,” I whispered. “That’s half your trouble, you don’t.”

Tears glittered in her eyes. She shut them.

“Shall I rub some screen into your back?”

She nodded without opening her eyes.

I smiled as I got up to get the screen. She didn’t move.

I grabbed the tube and straddled her thighs.

“Billy!” she squealed as I squirted the cold cream on her back.

“Just lie still and shut up.” I laughed.

“That’s so cold,” she breathed.

“Now you know how I felt.” She didn’t really, ‘cause I’d been aroused. Something she hadn’t ever been around me.

I pulled her bikini top loose at the back so the strap wasn’t in the way. Then I rubbed the cream in with both hands, sliding my palms up the gorgeous curve of her back and then over her shoulders, and along her arms to her elbows, before running them all the way down to start again as her soft skin absorbed the cream.

She jumped a little as my hands started running upward again.

Her backside wobbled against my groin. I loved it. Cause I loved her. The girl was mad thinking she didn’t have a good figure.

I tied her bikini top up again and smacked the first curve of her ass, before I climbed off of her. She squealed again. “Billy!”

“Lindy!” I mocked, rolling onto my side, leaning up on my elbow to watch her and talk. Her head turned to me, her cheek resting on her crossed arms.

Halleluiah, the girl actually had a shallow smile on her lips.

“You do look good, you know. I’m not just saying it, and I’m not kidding. Didn’t Jason ever say how hot you look.”

Her smile fell and her head turned away.

“Didn’t he?”

“He dumped me for Rachel. You’ve seen how skinny she is. So whatever he did say wasn’t true, was it?”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, and he was with you for years… He loved you, Lind. The thing with him and Rachel isn’t about looks; it’s just chemistry.”

Her head turned to me again. But she didn’t say anything.

“So did you?” I whispered to try and break her bad mood.

“Billy,” she hissed at me, but she said it with another smile, before looking away.

I grinned. I was sure she had.

I turned onto my back. “Put some sun screen on my chest.”

She looked back and didn’t move for a moment, but then sat up, and now I could see her body better. Her breasts swayed in the halter-neck bikini top and her nipples had come up in peaks under the cloth. There was nothing about her that turned me off.

She squirted the cold cream on my belly. “Ah” My body jolted and I laughed.

“You could do this yourself, you know.”

“I know, but it’s so much more fun when you do it.”

There was a twisted smile on her lips, that she hid by looking down to watch her hands move over my skin.

“How many hours do you work out?”

“Why?”

“Cause you are one big ball of muscle, Billy.”

“I’m a personal trainer. I spend all day working out, Lind.” I watched her face, hidden beneath a curtain of blonde hair, as her fingers ran down to my belly, exploring my abs.

“And this little cut above your hips, how do you get that?”

I laughed. “A guy’s secret.”

Her fingers ran right up and over my shoulders then down my arms, like I’d done to her. “Your biceps are huge.”

I shut my eyes and chuckled, just reveling in her touch. “Nice to know you’re impressed with my guns.”

“Only a little.” Her hands left me, and the sun-screen tube hit my belly.

I laughed, turning to my side as she lay on her back next to me.

My gaze skimmed down her body. “Well, if you measure that by how I feel about your belly, you can shut up complaining about being overweight.”

She thumped my shoulder, but she was smiling and laughing, a little.

Lindy

Billy’s long black eyelashes framed the gleam in his eyes. Emotion gripped in my chest as my gaze caught the dark blue.

He’d always been good at making me laugh. Always.

I smiled at him, shaking my head, then rolled on to my belly and rested my head on my folded arms. He settled in the same position beside me, looking toward me as I Iooked at him.

“So what have you been doing in the weeks we’ve not been talking? Have you been looking for a new job?” He changed the subject.

“A bit…” I took a breath. Images of home spun around in my head; the emotion piling in too. Sadness hung-out in every corner in that house… I’d escaped it for a while, but I couldn’t escape it forever and it was strangling me. Pain pierced through my heart …

“But Mom’s at home––and I’ve just not been in the mood for job-hunting. I should go into Portland, but I don’t want to be that far away from home.”

“It’s not that far. Most of my clients are in Portland. It doesn’t take that long to do the drive––”

“I know… but it’s too far for me!”

His eyes looked his questions. If I’d have snapped like that at Jason, he would’ve just shut up and turned away, but Billy never accepted anything at face value, he always questioned why. His eyebrows lifted.

I couldn’t answer why…

He didn’t ask it, though. Perhaps he realized my soul was too sore.

“So, did you?” That question was spoken in a deep husky whisper, followed by a smile.

I smiled, too, I couldn’t help it. He’d said it to break the ice that had settled over me. I shook my head at him, then turned the other way. But he had me grinning again and wanting to laugh, even though a moment ago I’d felt like the world ripped me apart.

It had felt awkward when he’d said it earlier, but now the glint of amusement in his eyes just made it a joke. That look in his eyes hovered in my head as I shut mine, listening to him chuckle.

“What music have you been listening to lately?” Another sudden change of subject.

I didn’t look back at him, just talked with my eyes shut, feeling the sunshine warm my back, now he’d blocked out the wind.

It felt like the two of us were in a cocoon, the world beyond our den didn’t exist. We talked about everything and nothing. TV shows, films, Vine and YouTube clips, it went everywhere, and we were talking for ages. I was so relaxed. I felt normal, when I hadn’t felt normal for months––years.

Then all of a sudden he got up. “I’m going into the ocean for a bit. You coming?”

“Our stuff?”

“I left my wallet and cell in my room, did you bring yours?”

“No, but people don’t know that, they’ll take my backpack.”

“Worry wart. There’s a woman over there with four kids, she’ll mind it; she looks trust- worthy.”

“Billy! My clothes!” How could he see everything so black and white?

“Put them back on. It’s freezing down there.” He bent down and grabbed up his tee and top and pulled them on while I got dressed too. Then he leaned down and picked up my backpack.

He climbed over a blanket to get out, and when I stood up he was walking back up the beach toward this woman.

The woman blushed as he approached her.

When I climbed out, pulling on my sleeveless tee and my sweater, it felt scary. That was stupid. But I’d been safe in our little cocoon, and now the world could get at me.

“Sorted,” he said, as he came back, grinning at me. A grin that said “victory”.

My arms gripped over my chest as insecurity crowded in. “I bet she thinks you’re really cheeky.”

“Nah, she’s just thinking she wished her husband still looked as hot as me.” His smile split his face. “Come on.” His eyes glowed reassurance.

Billy. My heart said his name in an odd way.

When we’d shared the apartment at college, Billy had always been easy company. Whenever Jason had gone into one of his quiet, thoughtful moods, Billy had always been there to shout at, with, to debate with, and laugh with…

I started walking beside him, my arms still gripped over my chest.

He looked sideways at me. “So, go on then, tell me, did you?”

He’d sensed my awkwardness. Amusement caught up in my throat, mixing with the feelings of despair that had started surrounding me again. It came out as a choked laugh and my lips twisted in a bitter smile. But it was a smile. I wanted to hug him.

I knew he didn’t expect an answer. He was purely joking. To make me laugh.

My arms dropped to hang at my sides. What would I have done without Billy when Jason went to New York? I had missed Billy loads for weeks. I felt a lot better now he’d come back to me.

I poked my tongue out at him, wondering what the hell he’d say, or do, if I answered, yes.

That made me smile properly, a full-on smile like I hadn’t done for months.

Shit, I’d had my first-ever orgasm this morning, barely hours ago. My hand clutching his cell and I’d thought of him, ‘cause I could hardly think of Jason. That would have felt wrong on every level. I’d thought of Billy’s muscular hips and thighs moving between my parted legs––of his weight pressing down onto me and into me, and the pressure of his movement inside me…

That would freak him out.

When I’d finished, I’d lain there breathing heavily and absorbing all the weird sensations humming and playing through my nerves––then Billy’s cell rang out Clarity by Foxes and Jason’s image had appeared on it.

I’d dropped the cell. It had felt like cheating on Jason, as all the feelings I’d had for him flooded to the surface, like it was only yesterday he’d finished with me.

My heart, and my head, still believed I was his.

But I wasn’t.

They had to learn.

But Billy had said I could mourn this week, so I’d cried, letting the tears fall again before I went down to the gym. I’d only gone down there because I hadn’t wanted to be alone anymore.

But, I’d had an orgasm… My first ever!

“Come on, you’re so slow.” He caught hold of my hand and pulled me into a run.

“Billy!” He didn’t cease pulling as I stumbled along in a run beside him.

I’d tried to run with Jason once, but he could run real fast. I couldn’t keep up with him; I hadn’t even tried after that one time, I’d have just held him back.

But it was like he used to run to get away from me anyway. It was something he did alone. Spirit and soul, leaving me behind.

When everything had got messed up, I’d tried to make him stop, because I knew it separated him from me. I’d already begun to feel him slipping through my fingers, but he wouldn’t give up. Running had been more important to him than us––me.

Rachel ran with him.

My toes caught in the dried sand and I nearly fell. Billy yanked me up.

“Come on! I want to get in the water.”

“God, you’re no better than a kid!”

That deep chuckle rumbled in his chest.

I was so glad I’d come here with him. I was really starting to feel better; as if I’d escaped. But that thought brought the guilt rolling back in, like a wave sweeping in off the ocean.

We were running over wet sand now, leaving the impressions of our footprints behind, footprints that the tide would wash away, when it came in.

When we reached the water, he didn’t stop but carried on running into the shallow waves.

“Ahh, Billy, it’s freezing!” The sudden cold numbed my bare feet.

“I didn’t have you down for a coward, Lind.” He pulled me on.

“Ahh,” I shivered as the cold water swilled about my shins. I gritted my teeth. My toes were buried in the moving sand.

It was easier being with Jason. Jason never used to press against my boundaries. But Billy had never been like this at college. Well, he had been full of energy like a coiled spring all the time about to burst, but he had never dragged me into any of his wildness like this. I had only ever been his spectator.

I pulled back against his hold as he got deeper. I wasn’t cool with this, the water was freezing, and––

“Frick, Lind, are you gonna be a chicken?”

I squealed when his hand left mine, but then instead, one arm caught about my waist and the other beneath my legs and he lifted me. “Billy!” I gripped his shoulders as he walked deeper, and the waves of freezing water swilled up at us.

I’d had a family vacation in Florida, the water there had been as warm as a bath; it was wonderful. Mom had been in the water with me, holding my hand, and we’d jumped the shallow waves together… I hadn’t felt scared with her.

I clung to Billy, turning my head into his shoulder as the ocean washed up at us and hit his thighs, sending up spray as it also swilled up about his legs. The wave washed on past him, the water level dropping back down to his knees. I watched it travel up the beach over his shoulder and saw it swallow our footprints.

Would memories disappear as easily––washed away by time? I didn’t want to forget anything.

“Have you ever been out in the water up to your middle?”

For years the water had been over my head, but only figuratively, not literally. I had never gone deeper than my thighs because I was too scared of the huge ocean and all the things I couldn’t see. It should have been the future I was afraid of, and what was hidden by time…

Another wave broke onto his thighs, the white foam frothing about us.

“Have you?” he asked again. Then he clarified. “I don’t mean that, I mean have you been into the ocean deeper than your middle?”

“No.”

“Come on, then.” He began walking forward.

“You’ll get hypothermia!”

“I’ll run when we get out, that’ll warm me up.”

My teeth were chattering, even just being in his arms, as the cold spray got me wet.

I gripped his shoulders tighter and he lifted me a little higher.

My gaze caught his. He smiled, then a glint caught in the onyx heart of his eyes. “No!” My fingers clawed. “Don’t you dare drop me!”

“Would I?”

“You were thinking about it.”

“I was letting you think I was thinking about it.”

“You’re nuts, Billy.”

“And going deeper…”

He walked forward. I was laughing, properly laughing, I could feel it in my stomach, and the muscles I hadn’t used for months were aching in my face. It felt so good to laugh. “Ahh, I turned into him, lifting my leg into his chest as a bigger wave rolled in.” I was getting used to being held by him. I was completely sure he wouldn’t drop me. His huge arms were firm and solid and strong. He wouldn’t let me fall.

When the next wave crashed into us it was stronger and swilled right up to my hips. His top got wet and the spray dampened my bottom. Exhilaration washed through my nerves like the ocean swirling around him, and the scent of the salt water filled my nostrils.

He went in deeper still. I clutched his shoulders harder, but turned my head to watch the next wave roll in. It was bigger, but then he was further out.

“It’s coming, Lind,” he teased. I gripped his neck with both arms, and turned my head into his chest.

“Argh!” I cried as it hit us hard, swilling against my back, a rush of fizzing salty water tumbling over me like rapids and soaking my clothes, but it felt good. I was a part of nature; of a world I hadn’t been part of for a very long time.

I laughed, lifting my head and clinging a little less.

Something glinted in his eyes and he took me even deeper.

“Billy!” I screamed as the next wave broke right before us, crashing open and starting to roar in a rush of white water that washed right into me, soaking me completely as I clung to Billy…

It was freezing.

My arms clung tight about his neck and I shivered like crazy as the wave rolled on past us.

“Billy what if there’s a sneaker wave. I’m cold. Take me back!”

Insecurity, fear, pain, all flooded back. My teeth chattered and I was really shivering. “Billy, take me back.”

His grip firmed on my thigh and shoulder, his fingers pressing into my flesh.

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe!

“It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

I gripped his neck, shivering violently as he carried me out of the water and back up the beach.

I was crying. Stupid fears. Stupid head. Stupid life.

“I wouldn’t have let you go, Lind.” He didn’t put me down, even when we reached the sand. He might think my fear was crazy, but he was still kind.

I liked the challenge in Billy, because he was right, I could face demons with him, and know he would keep me safe and get me out the other side, and if he could help me get out of the self-inflicted prison sentence I’d been serving, then I’d let him push me…

This was my week to mourn. Then I was going to let it go and try to learn to live again.

I’d had my first orgasm this morning because of Billy…

I’d gone into the ocean…

What else could I achieve with him?

When Billy set me down by our den, I was still shivering. He bent and grabbed up the blanket, wrapped it around me, then rubbed my shoulders.

His black eyelashes were all stuck together by the salty ocean water, and his hair clung to his head.

A wave had crashed into his back when he’d walked out of the water.

“Sorry, I took you too deep.”

“No, you didn’t.” My teeth still chattered. “I enjoyed it for a while.”

“But now we’d better get you in a shower. I’ll leave the den here and come back.”

“Aren’t you cold too?”

“I’m a bit tougher than you, Lind. I’ll go get your backpack.”

He turned away. I picked up his shorts, my sandals and his sneakers from inside our den and followed him up the beach. Heat seeped back into my legs, and then they burned.

He walked with purpose. His swim shorts stuck on his tight buttocks as he moved. The same tight buttocks I had been imagining moving up and down between my thighs earlier. The dark hairs on his thighs and calves were stuck to his skin too.

The woman gave him my backpack and he talked to her for a moment, saying thank you, I guessed. Then he walked toward me as I walked up the beach, clutching the blanket around me.

“So did you?” He said with a grin, when I reached him.

I shook my head at him, smiling, as I walked past him. I was warming up, but I still wanted to go back to my room and shower.

When I stood in the shower, washing the salt out of my hair, feeling the water pouring over my head and body, I smiled, as I remembered the waves crashing into us, and Billy’s strong arms hanging on to me.

So, did you?

The words he’d been asking me all day echoed in my head and heat burned across my skin.

Chapter Five

Billy

Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I splashed aftershave on my skin. I’d gone for a dark-blue shirt and black pants, but I’d kept my comfortable sneakers on.

The plan was to walk down to the Italian restaurant we’d seen.

I rubbed some styling wax on my hands and combed my fingers through my wet hair to spike it a little.

Taking one last look in the mirror, I told myself, silently, to get my shit together, then turned away.

Lindy and I had done a lot of laughing today, in the end, but I knew she was still unhappy underneath, and I still felt partly responsible, no matter what she’d said last night––and guilty.

I picked my wallet up and slid that, then my iPhone, into my pockets. Jason had tried calling twice while we’d been down at the beach. I’d sent him a text saying ‘All’s good. I’m just busy. I’ll catch up when I get home.’

I left the room, going to knock on Lindy’s door.

“Hey.” She opened it smiling, wearing a skimpy cotton summer dress. It was held up by thin straps on her shoulders and from there the material just floated over her breasts and her belly, falling to the middle of her thighs. She looked good. Her eye shadow was a soft blue and her lip gloss a pale pink. They suited her. She looked more like the old Lindy. “I’ll get my purse and my jacket, then I’m ready.” She threw me a smile before turning away.

She came back in a moment, wearing a loose black jacket over the top of the dress, and a small pink purse, with a long strap, over her shoulder. It matched the flat sandals she had on.

“Have you spoken to your Mom and Dad?” I asked, as she shut her door behind her.

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