A Pure Clear Light
Madeleine St John

For my sister

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About the Author

Also by the Author

Copyright

About the Publisher

1

‘Simon, there’s a woman over there who keeps looking at us.’

‘Surely not.’

‘There is. For God’s sake; take a look yourself. It must be someone you know.’

‘Hardly likely, darling. Just your, imagination.’

‘I haven’t got any imagination, as you perfectly well know. Look, there she goes again. Hurried, furtive glances. Oh my God.’

Simon shrugged. ‘It’s probably Flora,’ he said.

Gillian pulled her hand away from Simon’s. ‘That was despicable,’ she said.

And so it was: for Flora was Simon’s deceived, betrayed wife, and Gillian was his mistress, and whether or not their liaison itself was in poor taste (as some might have averred) flippant or jesting remarks very surely were. Simon’s expression was all contrition; shame filled his heart. ‘Sorry, darling,’ he said. ‘Sorry, sorry, sorry.’

Gillian said nothing. It was Flora to whom the apologies were actually due: strange that it should be she who should apparently be more conscious of this. She picked up her glass and drank, glancing across the crowded brasserie as she did so. Simon saw her sudden startled glance. ‘There she goes again,’ she hissed. ‘For Heaven’s sake, Simon, take a look yourself. Look in the mirror.’

Gillian was sitting with her back to the wall, which was lined with mirror glass; Simon, opposite her, peered into its depths. ‘Such a lot of people,’ he said. ‘Where is she sitting, exactly?’

‘Over by the door. In a black hat. You should spot her easily.’

Simon looked again, and this time he saw the hat: he saw the hat, he saw – briefly, dreadfully, and just sufficiently – the face beneath it. ‘Oh my God,’ he said. And he seemed to shrink down in his chair, as if wishing to extinguish himself entirely.

‘Who is it?’

‘Of all the putrid, idiotic bad luck.’

‘Who is it?’

‘Don’t look now,’ Simon said, ‘for God’s sake, don’t look now – in fact, don’t look again, ever. She mustn’t know we’ve seen her. There’s just a chance that she won’t be sure it’s me. After all, she’s only seen my back.’

‘Unless she’s seen your face in the mirror,’ said Gillian. ‘Who the hell is she, Simon?’ Gillian was terrified that it might, indeed, be Flora, whom she had never seen, whom she hoped she might never, never see; she was appalled at the idea in any case of their having been seen, she and Simon together: that some innocent explanation might just conceivably be offered and accepted for their presence here, now, was almost beside the point. And what, so far, had the unknown woman seen – their clasped hands? the veil of intimacy which enclosed them here in this crowded place? Who, in any event, was she?

‘Well, it isn’t Flora,’ said Simon.

‘Thank God for that.’

‘But it’s almost as bad. Almost.’

‘Which is?’

‘It’s Lydia. It’s Lydia Faraday.’

‘And who, exactly,’ said Gillian, ‘is Lydia Faraday?’

2

When Simon had first known Flora – a decade and a half ago: how time flew! – she had still been a professing Roman Catholic, but he had soon talked her out of it.

‘I can’t believe no one has told you all this before,’ he said, having itemised the horrid ingredients in that scarlet brew – moral blackmail, misogyny, cannibalism and the rest. ‘At Cambridge, or wherever.’

‘Oh, but they have,’ Flora assured him.

‘But?’

‘I didn’t really care,’ said Flora, ‘what the others said.’

‘Ah,’ said Simon. He was home and dry. They got married, when the time eventually came, in an Anglican church, causing sorrow and consternation to Flora’s parents, who knew in their bones that this was not a proper marriage ceremony, and joy and satisfaction to Simon’s, whose bones told them that no other – truly – was; although of course by ‘proper’ they meant something rather different from what Flora’s parents meant; but since the bride’s mother is expected to cry, anyway, everyone looked as happy on the occasion as they ought.

When they had been married for several years, and Flora began to get a brooding look now and then, and to ask rhetorical questions about spiritual growth, Simon took a stern line. ‘For Heaven’s sake,’ he said.

‘Exactly,’ said Flora.

‘Look,’ said Simon, ‘we’re not going to have to go through this again, are we? It’s hocus pocus. You agreed. And there are the kids to consider.’ They had two girls and a boy.

‘Yes,’ said Flora. ‘I’m considering them.’

‘They can be Anglican if they like,’ said Simon expansively. ‘You too, for that matter. Further than that I’m not prepared to go. Honestly, Flora. I mean it, the Pope and Days of Obligation and plastic Virgin Marys with light bulbs inside them and all the rest of it – no way. Not in my house. Please. It’s just too effing naff.’

Flora looked down at the floor to hide her smile, but despite herself, she began to laugh. Yes, Days of Obligation, the Pope – it was naff, alright. But then – what could you expect? Simon was laughing too, relieved and glad. But then Flora stopped laughing. ‘That’s not the whole story,’ she said. ‘After all.’ Simon didn’t want to go into the rest of the story, the part that wasn’t naff, because that was something even worse.

‘Be an Anglican,’ he reiterated. It was the lesser of two evils. In fact it was hardly evil at all; it was probably completely harmless. ‘No naffery there.’

‘I wouldn’t be too sure about that,’ said Flora.

She let the whole thing ride for another year, but when the mood once more came upon her – or was it the Holy Ghost speaking to her? Probably – she looked again at the noticeboard in the porch of an Anglican church not too far from where they lived in Hammersmith, and judging it rightly to be High (another, nearer, was Low) she found herself noting the times of the masses. Hmmm, she thought. She had no present intention of attending; she was just sussing it out. In any case, she was too busy to brood very often, because she had gone into business with a woman friend importing and selling third-world textiles; and the children continued to be highly labour-intensive: Janey was thirteen, Nell was nine, and little Thomas had just turned five.

3

Simon was not beset by brooding questions about spiritual growth – the Holy Ghost, it appears, was content to leave him to his own devices – but he had reached a point of vague disquiet with the givens, that was a fact. Simon had meant originally to become the Jean Renoir de nos jours, but actually he directed television plays and not especially meritorious ones at that. He was gritty and impatient and competent and personable and always had plenty of work; there was never time to sit down quietly and write the script of another Grande Illusion. He had a family to care for after all, Flora’s income notwithstanding: and that was earmarked for the school fees, anyway. So Simon just got on with it – and it wasn’t such a bad old life; there were lots worse. Flora was looking a bit seedy these days, but you had to expect that. The children were pretty, and clever: they argued a lot – you had to expect that, too – but he could tell from the manner of their arguing that they had sharp wits, so their futures in this jungle of a world seemed (as far as they could be) secure.

He nevertheless believed that one of these days, soon, he would find a window in the schedule, and would fly through it into a warm well-lighted place in which that script (a production certainty) could and would be written; or at any rate, started.

It was just six months or so after Flora had noted – and then forgotten – the times of the Sunday and weekday masses that something resembling a window seemed to appear in the wall around Simon, in that he found he would not after all be able to accompany Flora and the offspring to the gîte in the Périgord which they had taken with some friends of theirs – the Hunters, and their two sons – during the summer holidays. It had been intended that he would join them for a fortnight of the scheduled month but this was now impossible: a job which ought to have been finished in time had had to be deferred, and Simon was therefore, as he explained to Flora, ‘Fucked.’

‘Oh dear,’ said Flora, rather relieved at the thought of being away from him for a bit. ‘Poor Simon.’

‘Yeah,’ said Simon. He was in fact thinking that, with no family around him to distract his attention and commandeer his time, he might be able, at last, to sit down and get to work on that script. The longer one left these things the better they potentially became, but it really was time to get cracking, because he wasn’t getting any younger.

4

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, said Flora under her breath, and the Virgin Mary (all lit up from inside, as if by an electric light bulb) inclined her head ever so slightly. She was ready to receive whatever further confidences Flora might have. What did you wish to say to me, my child? Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Yes, yes. And? Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Very good, Flora: I will pray for you. Ever-ready, ever-virgin mother of God – pray for my children! Certainly. And Simon, my husband. It shall be done.

Flora picked up the paring knife and went on with the dinner preparations. She didn’t sufficiently believe in God – believe? in God? what could this possibly, now, mean? – to pray to him, or Him, or, just conceivably, Her – but the Virgin was a tolerant sort of creature: nothing if not tolerant: look what she’d put up with already! so there was no difficulty about asking her to do the praying for one. That was what mothers were for. Hail Mary, full of grace, she began again; and the front door slammed shut and Simon came in. The light went out inside the Virgin Mary and she faded from view. ‘Oh, hello darling,’ said Flora; ‘how was your day?’

‘Pretty vile. What about you?’

‘Oh, fine, fine. My day was fine.’

‘Oh well. Have we got any gin?’

‘Could you just go and sort out the kids first – there’s an arbitration matter. I left it for you.’

‘Those bloody kids. Where are they?’

‘Upstairs. No, Janey’s in the sitting room. You’ll find them soon enough if you look. Go on.’

He went away, muttering, but came back looking pleased with himself. ‘I’ve sorted it,’ he said.

‘Good.’

‘I had to bribe them.’

‘Did it cost much?’

‘A fiver.’

‘No one could say we haven’t taught them the value of money.’

‘No, they could not. Where’s that gin?’

Holy Mary, Mother of God.

‘I was thinking, so long as you can’t come to France – is that really off, Simon? Definitely? – I was thinking, I might ask Lydia if she’d like to come with us.’

‘What?’

‘Lydia. You know, Faraday. Lydia Faraday.’

‘Yes, I know who you mean. Lydia Faraday. What on earth do you want to ask Lydia Faraday for?’

‘Well, why ever not? Poor Lydia.’

‘Poor hell.’

‘Simon!’

‘Well, for God’s sake.’

‘Anyway, what’s it to do with you? You won’t be there.’

‘Oh, Flora.’ Simon sprawled back in his armchair and clutched his head. ‘Honestly,’ he said. ‘Lydia.’

Flora, watching this performance, began to laugh.

‘What have you got against poor Lydia?’ she said. Simon let go of his head and sat up. He reached for the gin bottle and topped up his drink – Flora always made them too weak – and took a swallow.

‘In the first place,’ he said, ‘she isn’t poor. She’s probably got more than the rest of us put together. Jack was saying –’

‘Then he shouldn’t have been,’ said Flora severely. Jack Hunter, a solicitor, had done some work for Lydia a year or two back, when she had got into a tax muddle.

‘Don’t be priggish,’ said Simon. ‘The point is, Lydia likes to put it about that she’s on her uppers, but –’

‘That’s not true either,’ said Flora. ‘I never heard her putting it about that she was short of money.’

‘No, she doesn’t say so in so many words,’ said Simon. She’s not that obtuse. She just suggests it in a thousand tiny ways. I could practically throttle her sometimes. Who’s she trying to impress?’

‘Simon, what are you talking about?’ cried Flora, amidst her laughter. ‘Name me even one of these thousand tiny ways.’

‘Well, look at the way she dresses,’ said Simon, ‘for a start.’

‘Dresses?’

‘Yes, dresses.’

‘Fancy your noticing the way she dresses!’ Flora had stopped laughing, or even smiling. What could this mean?

Simon scented the danger and rushed to avert it. ‘I wouldn’t notice,’ he said, ‘if she didn’t simply demand one’s attention every time you see her. Oh God. Those bits and pieces.’

‘I always think Lydia looks very nice,’ said Flora, whose own taste ran to French jeans and plain white T-shirts, and things from the Harvey Nick’s sales for more formal occasions; ‘for a woman of her age.’

‘Miaow!’ cried Simon, and they both laughed. One thing which cemented their relationship was that gin always put them in a good humour; so generally they drank some every evening.

‘And that’s another thing,’ said Simon.

‘What is?’ said Flora.

‘Well, her age. I mean, Lydia: it was one thing when one first knew her; fair enough; loose cogs – you expect them when they’re in their twenties, early thirties. Missed the first bus, but there’ll still be a few more; but now, ten years or so later – well: precious few buses. Probably none. Probably missed the last one. And there she still is loose-cogging around the scene, just getting in the way – it’s embarrassing.’

Flora was appalled. ‘Well, really!’ she exclaimed. ‘How –’

‘And then she has to make a meal of it,’ said Simon, ‘with all those jumble-sale outfits. And that itty-bitty flat of hers. And she always wants a lift. She’s just so pointless.’

‘Mother of God,’ said Flora.

‘You what?’

‘Mother,’ said Flora. ‘Of God.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘Honestly, Simon. If you could hear yourself. The cruelty. That poor woman. What has she ever done to you?’

Simon had been recalled, unexpectedly, to sobriety. He considered the question. ‘I dunno,’ he said. ‘She just depresses me.’

‘Ah,’ said Flora. ‘Yes. I see. Yes. Make me another drink will you? There’s just time for another before we eat.’ She watched while Simon made the drink. Lydia was sometimes a bit of a downer, that was a fact; but she couldn’t quite tell why. Oh, Mother of God: pray for us sinners.

5

When Flora had got herself married, and then Claire, and then Louisa – well, it rather left Lydia out in the cold, one could say: not that she seemed to care. Well, to be sure, it was – then – early days yet: it was a bit early for caring. But still: they (and Alison Brooke, who had vanished to New York, and who therefore did not in the same way thereafter count) had all been friends together, and it was a bit tricky, insofar as they still were, to keep Lydia in the frame when she had no husband or other partner. It was not such a fag while she was still youngish, and attractive – ish! said Simon – but it got trickier by the year. And now she was forty-ish, and it required a certain breadth of vision even to pose the question of whether or not she was, still, attractive. Ish!

‘Attractive? Lydia? You must be joking!’ said Simon.

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said Robert, husband to Louisa. ‘She’s not bad, is she?’

‘If you go for that style of thing,’ amended Alex, husband to Claire.

‘Lydia is beautiful,’ said little Thomas. ‘I love Lydia.’

‘Lydia has lovely clothes,’ said Nell. ‘She gets them from jumble sales. Can we go to a jumble sale, Mum?’

‘Lydia is pathetic,’ said Janey. ‘Please don’t ask her to come with us to France, Mum. She’ll ruin everything.’

‘How unkind you are,’ said Flora. ‘How do you mean, pathetic?’

‘I don’t know,’ said Janey. ‘She just is. She tries too hard.’ People often did, with Janey, for she had a critical mien, but it was not a bit of use; it was indeed the worst thing one could possibly do. Janey was one very tough young woman.

Five years ago, when Thomas was a tiny baby, just home from the hospital, and Simon had had to go away on location for six weeks, Lydia had come to stay, because with Nell having been but four years old – although Janey was eight and reasonably self-sufficient – it was all a bit much for the rather flighty au pair: and Lydia had been – providentially, for the Beaufort household – between (as she so often, after all, was) jobs.

‘But she’s been absolutely wonderful,’ cried Flora. ‘I don’t know what I would have done without her.’

Simon was always in an illish temper when he got back from one of these away-assignments, little new baby or no little new baby – ‘See how much fatter he is since Daddy went away! Who’s my fat little boy? Who’s my little fatty? Who’s Mummy’s little darling! Who’s this? This is your Daddy – yes, Daddy – smile for Daddy!’

Simon took the child and cuddled him, awkwardly at first and then with more aplomb, and said, over the baby’s downy head, ‘But really, Flora, she doesn’t need to stay here any longer, does she, now that I’m back? I’d have thought she’d have been off out of the place by the time I fetched up – not installed in that kitchen with the girls making meringues as if she bloody lived here. When does she mean to go?’

The baby was becoming restless and Flora took him back. ‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘She’ll go soon, I expect. As soon as she gets the vibe you’re giving out. Just carry on, Simon. Make her feel unwanted. I’ll lay odds we’ll see her calling for a taxi by suppertime.’

Simon ignored the irony in these remarks and simply asserted that he would be more than happy to take Lydia home himself. ‘Where’s she actually living these days?’ he said.

‘Oh, Maida Vale-ish,’ said Flora vaguely. ‘You know.’ She had never actually been there.

‘I don’t,’ said Simon, ‘but I mean to find out.’ He turned to leave the room.

‘If you say even one word,’ said Flora, ‘to make her feel de trop I shall never have anything more to do with you.’

He was half out of the door but he turned back to face her. ‘Now, would I do that?’ he said.

He went down to the kitchen where Lydia and the eight-year-old Janey (looking fairly tough already) and the four-year-old Nell, all dressed in striped aprons, were sitting contemplating the meringues, all set out on a wire rack.

‘We’re waiting for them to get cold,’ squeaked Nell. ‘Then we’re going to put whipped cream inside them, and then we’re going to eat them!’

‘I say,’ said Simon. ‘It’s an orgy.’

‘What’s an orgy?’

He caught Lydia’s dark brown (almost black) eye. ‘It’s a feast of pleasure,’ he said drily.

‘We’re not going to eat them all,’ said Janey very seriously. ‘We’re going to have one each. The rest are for pudding tonight.’

‘Ah,’ said Simon. Lydia stood up.

‘Gabriella should be back any minute now,’ she told him. ‘There’s a casserole in the oven for supper – she’ll do the rest. So when we’ve finished this meringue business I’ll begin making my way – as long as you don’t need me for anything more here. I was actually just about to go up and sort this out with Flora when you came in. I’ll go and do that now. See you in a minute, girls!’ She left the room.

Oh God, thought Simon, she couldn’t have overheard anything, could she? Surely not – they’d been two floors away. ‘She’s in the nursery!’ he called out to her, as Lydia went up the stairs.

She returned ten minutes later. She looked perfectly happy. No, she couldn’t possibly have overheard us, Simon assured himself. ‘Right,’ she said, ‘that’s all fixed. Simon, Flora told me that I must ask you if you’d mind taking me home – but for my part I must say that I wouldn’t dream of troubling you; I can get a taxi easily.’

‘We won’t hear of it,’ said Simon. ‘My pleasure. When did you want to leave?’

‘Well, Flora insisted on my staying for supper,’ said Lydia. ‘So after that, whenever you like. I’ll just go and pack up, anyway – we’ll do the meringues after that, girlies, okay? See you in a bit.’ And she went off again. And then Gabriella turned up, and the evening programme proceeded on its way, until, finally, the moment arrived for Simon to take Lydia home to Maida Vale.

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