Dedication

For Roberto

Thank you for being right by my side every step of

this journey and so many others.

For Nix

With much love —

You left us too early!

I have no doubt wherever you are,

you are sure to be flying high …

Contents

Cover

Dedication

Preface

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five

Part Six

Part Seven

Part Eight

Epilogue

Destined to Play

Destined to Feel

Join the Conversation

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Copyright

The limbic system is a complex set of nerves and networks in the brain supporting a variety of functions including emotion, behaviour, motivation, and memory formation. Its purpose continues to unfold, though it appears to be primarily responsible for our emotional life, with feelings such as fear and pleasure. It operates by influencing the endocrine and nervous systems and is highly interconnected with the brain’s pleasure centre, which plays a role in sexual arousal.

Preface

Do you ever feel like the hands of the universe have picked you up and hurled you into a sphere that challenges the very core of your being? Somehow, my journey has taken me to a place I never expected to find myself in, let alone knew existed.

It all began with one weekend that awakened my sexuality and ultimately sparked something in the depths of my soul, and I still feel as if I’m tumbling out of control in the midst of a psychological and sexual tornado I have no defence against. I don’t know how the kaleidoscopic events of recent times will end and can only hope my loved ones will endure the journey with me.

If I had known then what I know now, I can only wonder whether I would have chosen this path? Perhaps I never had a choice and the path chose me …

Either way, what has happened in the past has happened, the present is what it is and the future will be what it will be. I can only hope and pray that somehow, I am destined to fly.

Part One

Speak or act with an impure mind,

And trouble will follow you.

Buddha

Lake Bled

Madame Jurilique slaps Josef’s cheek in blind fury.

‘How dare you deceive me? After all I have done for you and your family over the years. This is how you repay me?’

Josef’s arms are secured firmly at his sides by two hefty security guards, Frederic and Louis, and although he quickly turns his head to the side, attempting to deflect her vicious slap, the corner of her ostentatious diamond ring has slipped to the inside of her finger and slices his cheek. Her lips curl into an undeniably satisfied smile at the vision of his blood, forming droplets on his skin.

‘All I wanted from you was her blood. Was that honestly too much to ask?’

Dr Josef Votrubec remains resolutely silent, refusing to meet her cold eyes.

‘Answer me, Josef!’ Her anger is displayed in her fists, bunched into white-knuckled balls, at odds with her otherwise elegant style.

Madeleine considers her options as her previously valued and loyal employee stands defiantly before her. She hadn’t wished him any harm until he betrayed her so deceitfully; now she concedes she may be left with no choice but to deal with him once and for all. She cannot allow a single loose cannon on her tightly-run ship.

Madeleine remembered when her close friend, Lauren Bertrand, had called to say that she, Lauren, had been invited to be a member of the elite Global Research Forum. Madeleine and Lauren attended the same Swiss finishing school in their youth before turning a shared passion for chemistry into successful careers. Lauren had since become a leading French chemist who often did consulting work for Xsade. Madeleine had already been keeping a very close watch on the developing Global Forum — the closer she could get to whatever the esteemed Harvard man, Dr Jeremy Quinn, was involved in, the better — and her interest was sparked further when Lauren revealed that Jeremy Quinn was keeping classified research files, including medical records, on the Australian-based psychologist, Dr Alexandra Blake.

Then she learned that Dr Blake’s work on visual perception was sponsored by another forum member, Professor Samuel Webster, who was venturing into the field of sexuality and neuroscience. She was hooked. So she organised for her discreet information technologists (strictly off the record, of course) to hack into the two men’s computers to find out what exactly what was going on.

Just as a buzzard can sense roadkill, every fibre in her body could sense that Quinn was onto yet another ground-breaking discovery. Her instincts were confirmed sooner than anticipated when her researchers discovered that Quinn’s major benefactor, the enigmatic and always-discreet philanthropist, Leroy Edward Orwell, — or Leo, as he was known — was flying into Sydney the same weekend as Quinn was meeting up with Dr Blake. As Xsade was on the verge of finalising a patent on their ‘purple pill’, developed to combat female sexual arousal disorder, she knew she would hit the jackpot if she could continue to access information on what Quinn and Leo were up to.

Madeleine and Lauren were on a one-day conference together when Lauren informed her that the forum’s planned experimentation might not go ahead after all. Madeleine was left with no choice but to anonymously blackmail Quinn into continuing what he had been planning so meticulously for months. Much to her relief it seemed to work, as the testing went ahead as scheduled and the results she obtained from both Quinn’s and Webster’s computer systems were far beyond anything she had ever imagined.

Lauren’s casual phone call to Madeleine from Singapore, mentioning she had just bumped into Alexandra Blake, before she boarded a plane to London was the icing on the cake. Having been thwarted by strengthened security on Quinn’s and Webster’s computer systems, Madeleine felt as if the universe was delivering Dr Blake to her doorstep and compelling her to act; accordingly, she arranged for the Blake woman to be forcibly escorted to a chateau in Slovenia and then to Xsade’s off-the-grid facility under Lake Bled.

Madeleine was sure she was on the cusp of discovering the source of the anomalies in Alexandra’s blood, unlocking potentially limitless profits for Xsade and earning herself the level of personal and professional power she had dreamed of for years. The best part would be finally outwitting the great Dr Quinn. There was no aphrodisiac more meaningful to her than social status and positional power. Quinn had, in fact, achieved her own ideal version of a networking nirvana in the pharmaceutical and medical worlds. In her mind, he rather arbitrarily and haphazardly stumbled upon the miracle cures that the world adored him for. It bewildered her that, apparently, money was never the driving factor for Quinn. He certainly never sold his formulas for the highest offer, because if he had Xsade would control the entire market. Well, this time, she wouldn’t let Xsade be ignored because of some misguided moral stance of Dr Quinn’s. She would discover his secrets before they went to the marketplace. This time it would be she who gained both the notoriety and the superprofits of the next great drug to save the human race, leaving Quinn to fade into insignificance. If she didn’t achieve this and at the same time regain access to the enigma of Dr Blake’s blood, she could at least take comfort in the fact that she had personally destroyed their credibility in the eyes of the world.

Everything was going according to plan until Josef let her down at the last minute. As if mere pinpricks of Alexa’s blood were ever going to be enough for the detailed analysis she had in mind. All he had to do was extract a large sample of her blood while she slept after having ingested the purple pill. So simple, so easy and no one had to get hurt. She had no doubt that results from tests on Alexandra’s blood would have been remarkable and she is furious that she didn’t just do the blood extraction herself which, in hindsight, would have been far more effective, if slightly messy.

A smile that looks more like a snarl curls Madeleine’s lips as she allows her mind to wander indulgently further afield. If Alexa’s children’s blood is anything like hers, the possibilities are endless. Even if she cannot gain direct access to them, perhaps once the world sees the scandalous pictures of their mother Madeleine has up her sleeve, they might be taken into care. Then she could even offer to foster the children and have their bodies continually available to her for experimentation.

Despondently, she admits to herself that this is merely a daydream and snaps back to the matter at hand.

As she stands in front of Xsade’s version of Judas — and not in front of the one person in the world she wants under her control, Dr Alexandra Blake — rage twists in her belly. This man, a trusted employee for the past five years, managed to ensure Blake’s escape from their facility and personally delivered her into the hands of her lover, Dr Jeremy Quinn, in Dubrovnik. Had she not treated him fairly? Paid him handsomely for his work as Xsade’s lead physician and Head of Research and Development? She can’t understand what drove this madness in him as he stands defiantly before her, secured by her henchmen.

Josef is valiantly maintaining his silence in the face of his boss’s venomous wrath. He knows only too well from previous experience that nothing he says will be tolerated until her fury subsides. Madeleine Jurilique is determined, powerful, manipulative, cunning, dangerous and, in general, should never be crossed — even more so when she is in this ferocious frame of mind. He has overheard muttered conversations in the staff canteens as colleagues likened her to the White Witch of Narnia or a barrel of aggravated, poisonous snakes and Josef can now understand why.

As the European Managing Director of Xsade, Jurilique is one of the most powerful executives in the global pharmaceutical marketplace. She seems to have an uncanny ability to deliver the next ‘big drug’ to consumers, as well as huge profits to the Board of Directors and Xsade’s shareholders, so much so they have gradually allowed her to run the company more or less as she wishes. Jurilique’s unstoppable ambition has made her more callous and reckless with each passing year, enabling her to make increasingly dangerous decisions and take unprecedented risks on behalf of the company. But as long as the money keeps rolling in, it seems the executives are happy for her to have free rein.

Josef himself has ignored his conscience and turned a blind eye, but her treatment of Alexandra Blake proved to be the final straw for him. At first he believed that Alexa, like so many others, was willing to sell her body for money or for the sake of research. It wasn’t until he found some of his boss’s files that he understood she had been specifically brought in for reasons other than what she had signed up to in her contract.

Under such extreme circumstances, she handled herself with a dignity he didn’t often find in people and he could sense the goodness within her. Jurilique’s demand, her order that he drain over a litre of blood from Alexa while she slept, had violated his personal and ethical values beyond any degree of conscience; no amount of money could make up for what she was asking of him, or the risks she was willing to take in relation to Dr Blake’s life. He could take no more.

As their standoff continues, Josef refuses to meet her eyes though he can feel the breath pass her porcelain-capped teeth before it hits the bloodied skin on his face. She slides her hardened, glossy nail under his chin, silently forcing him to meet her lethal gaze.

‘Be under no illusions, good doctor. You will be going nowhere until I have what I need, and you will be assisting in the process.’ She slides her nail along the line of the wound on his cheek as she watches him flinch before her. ‘So you can kiss goodbye to the thought of seeing your sweet little wife again any time soon, just as you can kiss your professional future goodbye when all of this is over.’

An involuntary shudder ricochets down his spine at her words.

She steps back and issues her command to her ever-faithful henchmen. ‘Lock him up. He is boring me and the sight of him is making me ill.’

With a flick of her wrist she goes to dismiss them. She notices Josef is finally struggling against the firm grasp of her men.

‘To ensure he is secured I’ll organise for Dr Jade, our new head physician’ — she glares at Josef viciously with hate in her eyes — ‘to administer the same drugs that paralysed our dear friend and escapee, Alexandra, when we were moving her from the chateau to this facility.’

Panic and dread settle into Josef’s bones. He understands that this woman is beyond simply ruthless as he had presumed — she is a sadist. Her extreme lack of conscience now fosters a dangerous love of violence. He realises that his hope that her fury would dissipate and he could reason with her was futile. For the first time since he was taken, he suddenly fears for his life. There will be no escaping if he is completely immobilised by those drugs.

Madeleine finally sees in Josef’s eyes the fear that she has been longing to provoke. It inspires her further.

Josef continues in his attempts to struggle free, his efforts creating a sheen on his face. ‘Madeleine, please, you can’t do this, please, my wife —’

She raises her eyebrow at Louis who instantly bends Joseph’s wrist back onto his arm causing him to shriek with pain, effectively silencing his words.

‘Take him to the lab and I’ll page Dr Jade to meet you there. Under no circumstances let him out of your grasp, boys. You know what I pay you to do.’ She turns and a smile plays on her lips when she hears the distinct sounds of suffering in Josef’s screams as he is dragged out the doors backwards. She silently congratulates herself: at least she can always count on Louis and Frederic to obey her every command.

Alexa

I lean against the doorframe to gauge the intense conversation between the two powerful men in front of me. Jeremy Quinn — who is, and if I’m completely honest always has been, the love of my life — and Martin Smythe, an ex-US marine who now looks after security for the mysterious and elusive Leo, one of Jeremy’s closest friends and major benefactor.

I can’t help but consider that the difference between males and females becomes even more pronounced in times of danger or unease, in that men require action and females need reflection and supportive discussion. Or perhaps that is just me.

Their focussed debate has been going on since I received a horrifying blackmail letter — from the same woman who abducted me less than a month ago when I had arrived at Heathrow to meet up with Jeremy and the other members of the Global Research Forum.

My stomach is still tumultuous from throwing up moments ago in the kitchen sink, which occurred seconds after I’d finished reading the letter’s contents. Emotions swirl in my nervous system, spinning between pain, anger, regret and surprisingly, a hint of ultimate acceptance. Acceptance that this is my fate until this nightmare is resolved, comes to an end. At least I hope it does. Surely that can happen in life, not just in stories? I have more than a sneaking suspicion that it won’t come to an end until we understand exactly how and why my blood is what it is: an enigma which seems to vary its state depending on the hormones released in my body at any given time. Apparently, the more extreme the scenario, or my situation, the more intriguing the results, or at least that’s what Jeremy and his technicians tell me. Why? Why me? I have absolutely no idea. There is still so much I don’t fully understand.

My fragile stomach and pounding head force me to turn away from their action-orientated strategising about my future, and I make my way into the en suite of the master bedroom. Attempting to distract myself from the reality of the threats hanging over my head, I splash my face with cold running water before collapsing on to our king-size bed and gaze out at the orchestrated picture-perfect scenery from our Disney Resort Hotel suite in Orlando, Florida. I am situated in what is marketed as ‘the happiest place on earth’ and ten minutes ago I would have argued vehemently with anyone who told me that wasn’t true.

I had been blissfully happy. More happy than I almost believed any person deserved to be in a lifetime … but in one puff of smoke or, more accurately, one A4-sized envelope later, my happiness turned to dread and fear, thanks to Madame Madeleine Jurilique, the Managing Director of Xsade’s European Division. Also known as Madame Goldy or the Wicked Witch of Kidnap and Abduction. My body shudders in response to my memories of being abducted from Heathrow airport in London, drugged, taped to a wheelchair and concealed under a burka, and finally being transported through Europe in a suitcase to Xsade’s facilities in Slovenia. I retch again but there is nothing left to bring up except a lingering acidic taste of bile. What the hell am I going to do?

Dr Josef Votrubec, who worked for Xsade, risked everything to ensure my escape from the facility beneath Lake Bled, before they could more or less drain me of a significant portion of my blood. Thank god he contacted Jeremy directly who, via the seemingly endless global resources of his friend and mentor Leo, managed to ensure my ultimate safety. Appallingly, the same thing can’t be said for Josef, who was captured at gunpoint by Xsade mercenaries just after handing me over near Dubrovnik. Jeremy, Martin and I managed our getaway in a sleek speedboat to rendezvous with a luxury cruiser. Although I had only known Josef for a short time, he risked his entire career to ensure my safety and for that I will be forever grateful. He is a kind man with a good heart. On the drive to meet with Jeremy, he told me of his love for his wife and how, so far, they had been unable to have children, a thought that always causes me pain knowing how forceful my own urges were to procreate when the time came.

I can only hope and pray that he has been safely reunited with his wife, though as much as I want that to be true, I know deep down that the two men on the pier with the guns aimed toward Josef would in all likelihood have been Louis and Fred. They were the men who had guarded me in the castle embedded in the hills north of Ljubljana. Madame Goldy’s right-hand men.

Josef’s betrayal of both Xsade and his boss, Madame Jurilique, would surely precipitate a reaction no human being would choose to experience. I have never met a more dangerous and narcissistic woman. Since my escape, Martin has provided us with regular updates and background on her, which makes her even more sinister. She operates in society as an elite, well-educated leader of industry and moves in circles of influence most people only dream of … well, people other than Jeremy and Leo, I suppose. Yet she has about as much heart as a ravenous anaconda carefully manipulating and devouring her prey. Shivers ripple through my body as my concern for Josef’s wellbeing reaches fever pitch. And now she wants me back within her vile corporate web for further experimentation, explicitly involving my blood.

I have no doubt that Madame Jurilique will follow through on the threats contained in her letter. I still hold the letter apprehensively in my trembling hands, and I read it again as though I’m somehow willing its contents to have changed.

Dear Doctor Blake,

I do hope you have had a wonderful time recuperating in the Mediterranean with your lover and have enjoyed the delights of Disney World with your sweet children, Elizabeth and Jordan.

It is so unfortunate that you were not able to properly conclude the entire 72 hours at our facility. After having provided us with such useful information, there is but one element we now require.

Should you not be forthcoming in relation to our requirements we shall once again be forced to take circumstances into our own hands. The enclosed news headlines are but a sample of the strategies we will employ to ensure that we acquire what we need from you, so please let me be clear.

We need your blood.

If, for some reason, you decide not to cooperate with our request within the next ten days, we shall be forced to proceed with our global ‘Do you really know Dr Alexandra Blake?’ campaign. Needless to say, I shouldn’t have to remind you that we have some wonderfully explicit photographs and video clips to authenticate our headlines.

While I have your attention, I should also mention that should this not procure your participation, we would look to acquire the next best thing — the blood of your children.

I shall look forward to working with you again in the very near future.

Sincere regards,

Madame Madeleine de Jurilique

If she can’t have access to me, she will ensure no one else does either, in any way, shape or form. I also have no doubt that keeping Jeremy and me apart would give her an added sense of psychotic joy, knowing that she is controlling me and he cannot do anything about it. The thought makes me nauseous all over again.

Salina, who works for Martin as part of Leo’s security team, is still in Europe attempting to locate both Josef and Jurilique. During her investigations she discovered that Lauren Bertrand, the French member of Jeremy’s Global Research Forum, was bitterly disappointed that Jeremy was given the role of Project Leader rather than herself. An email exchange between Lauren and Madeleine promised that Jeremy would get what he deserves both professionally and personally. They just needed a little more time and patience.

If anything happened to Jeremy or my children I don’t think I could live with myself. No, I know I couldn’t live with myself. The sheer evil of her suggestion is mind-blowing … if I don’t meet her demands, she will endeavour to procure the blood of my children! How dare she? She is one sick woman whose desire for power, money and ultimate market control means she will stop at absolutely nothing. How dare she threaten my children! They are my world, they mean everything to me. I will protect them with my life. And my blood.

Once again, I return to the room Elizabeth and Jordan are sharing. My profound need to see their small bodies resting soundly is overwhelming. It’s difficult for me to believe that they are already nine and seven years old. Time has flown by so fast. My emotions are as raw as my love is strong. As I gently smooth the hair away from their angelic faces and kiss their foreheads, I lay my palms against their hearts so they can each sense my love for them drifting through their innocent sleep.

‘Sweet dreams, my cherubs. My love for you is as deep as the core of the earth and as high as the stars in the sky.’ My voice is low and heavy within my chest, and I breathe their presence deeply into my lungs before gently closing the door behind me.

I return to the kitchen where Martin and Jeremy are still huddled over their notepads, brainstorming strategies and the next steps in my life. As soon as Jeremy senses me in the room he rushes to embrace me in his strong arms. Arms I so desperately long to be cradled in forever, but I know this will be impossible in the short term.

‘Don’t worry, sweetheart, we will get through this.’ He searches my face and cups my cheeks gently between his palms, tilting my head upwards to meet his gaze. I can’t help but notice that his beautiful features are riddled with anxiety; his green eyes are even smokier than ever given the depth of his emotion for me. ‘I won’t let her touch you or the children, Alexa. We will protect you at all costs. I promise you.’

I swallow the lump in my throat that threatens to break me, knowing that Jeremy’s word is his bond and this is never more true than when his promises involve me. I have never in my life needed to be stronger with him than now.

‘Please sit down, Jeremy.’ I guide him back to his seat at the table, knowing I need the advantage of my standing position. I pause until I have their undivided attention.

‘I have made my decision.’

He immediately jumps back up. So much for that strategy.

‘What do you mean, you have made your decision? We haven’t discussed anything yet, besides Martin and I have been working through options —’

‘Jeremy, please,’ I interrupt, ‘there is nothing to discuss. If my children are at risk there is only one solution.’ I steady my hands against the table and take a deep breath, preparing the words I need to release before they falter. ‘The bitch can have my blood. It’s only blood. I want this nightmare to end. If she gets what she wants, maybe my life will be left intact rather than in the pieces in which she seems determined to shred it.’

I’m always shocked to hear myself unexpectedly swear, but it seems Madame Goldy brings out the very worst in me.

‘Over my dead body, Alexa. It is not going to happen.’

A heaviness descends on his mood and the seriousness of his voice confirms that my decision is far from agreed from his perspective. This could be a very long night. He indicates to Martin by a nod of his head to pack up the notes on the table, then takes a firm grip of my elbow and steers me into the lounge room. I hear the front door quietly open and close. Here we go. I brace myself for the inevitable conflict and decide to make the first move.

‘I will not put my children in any danger, Jeremy, ever.’

His arms wrap around me and he doesn’t let me go. He holds my head against his chest, pressing my ear to the beat of his heart, his lips touching the top of my head. I try to stay strong. I try to push him away before I am forced to tear myself away, away from the man I have finally been reunited with after all these years, the man I have loved since I first understood what love could be.

‘Let it go, sweetheart. You don’t need to do this alone. I am here for you. Please, let me be strong for you, for all of you.’ His words penetrate through my implacable facade and my body crumples within his firm grasp. Tears spill from my eyes as his body remains the rock his words promised. Although I still know what path I must take, I have to concede that Jeremy knows exactly what I need right now. He secures me in his embrace until my tears subside, understanding my emotional exhaustion before effortlessly scooping me up and carrying me into the master suite, placing my weary body and mind carefully on the bed as if I’m made of eggshells — a good reflection of how I feel, actually.

‘Do you need something to help you sleep?’ he asks gently.

‘You know what I’m like, Jeremy. Even the weakest drug seems to hit me hard. I’ll see how I go. Right now I have so many uncontrollable thoughts running through my head. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. I don’t know what to do.’

‘Can I help in trying to subdue them for a while?’

‘How?’ Wondering where his mind is going.

‘I could run a bath.’

‘Ah …’ I relax a little. ‘What a perfect suggestion.’

‘Lavender?’

The tiniest of smiles appears on my face, accompanying the worry that creases my brow. ‘Of course.’

A few minutes later, slightly calmer, in the serenity of the surrounding warmth of scented water, I snuggle close into Jeremy’s chest as I lie nestled between his legs.

‘Just when everything was going so well, she pulls the rug from beneath our feet — again. Why can’t we find her, J? Why hasn’t she been brought to face any form of justice?’

‘Her time will come, sweetheart, I promise you. Someone like Jurilique will come unstuck eventually, even if it is by her own doing.’

‘Eventually isn’t soon enough. I need her to come unstuck in the next ten days before my life implodes into the unknown yet again.’

His legs immediately tense around my body. ‘You will not be going anywhere near that woman, Alexa.’

I know this isn’t going to be an easy argument to win with him, but he must know that I don’t have a choice given the circumstances, surely?

‘You’ve gone quiet. Why?’ he murmurs into my hair.

He has always been able to ask me the unanswerable. I am quiet. I’m quiet because I don’t want to have this argument, one we should never be forced to have, an argument that will cause us both no end of pain because of who we are and what we know is imperative to our lives. Me to him and my children to me.

I release a deep sigh filled with both frustration and resignation. ‘I honestly don’t know what to say. I feel numb.’

‘I can understand you feeling numb. Just as I feel furious with her heinous demands. But I know you too well, AB, to think that you don’t have thousands of thoughts running through that beautiful head on your shoulders. Please, share them with me. Now more than ever we need to communicate openly with each other. Don’t let her get between us by sending a piece of paper.’

An anxious chuckle escapes me at his oversimplification of my dilemma. ‘Is that how you would describe those headlines if they were about you, Dr Quinn? A mere piece of paper.’

The image of those headlines has been burned indelibly into my brain:

Slut mother shuns kids for kinky sex experiment.

Dr Blake bares all — check out her best angles here.

Psychologist turns Psycho — would you leave your kids with this mother?

Adultery — sadomasochism — is this what you teach your kids?

‘I’m not saying it’s great, obviously. But it’s nothing we can’t deal with. We are stronger than that.’

‘The photos, J, you should see the photos she has of me. As if the headlines aren’t bad enough but she has the graphic evidence that, shown in the wrong context, supports them. If they were just between you and me, I’ve no doubt we’d find them privately provocative. But to share them with the world … I’m a mother, a professional. This exposure will ruin me, ruin us. The way Jurilique presents them means they can only be seen as seriously f’ed up from society’s perspective. I don’t want to be in a world where they exist publicly. And imagine if the kids ever saw …’ I choke on my tears, which prevents me from continuing.

‘They won’t, Alexa.’

Frustration at his dismissal of my fears tumbles out in my words. ‘Don’t tell me they won’t when they will. You don’t know what she’s like. I’ll end up as a recluse if I don’t give her what she wants in ten days. Unable to work any more, unable to face the world, or even my own family if the truth be known. I swear to God and to you, I will never allow her to touch my children. She can have my blood and I’ll keep my life. It’s the only way to deal with this.’

I feel Jeremy’s chest rise and fall with each breath, and I sense his attempt to control his anger and anxiety for my sake. His palm is absentmindedly stroking my shoulder and now I wish I could hear his thoughts. I’m as concerned about his silence as he was with mine. We both know this argument is not going to be resolved tonight, so I change tack. ‘Can you promise me one thing?’

‘Depends.’ His mood remains dark; he is still far away from me, absorbed in his thoughts.

‘We only have a few more days left at Disney World with the kids until we meet up with Robert. I don’t want them to know anything about this. I want to enjoy this time with them in case —’

His hand immediately covers my mouth, stopping me from saying any more.

‘Don’t ever speak like that, Alexa. I literally won’t let you.’ He maintains this position to give more credence to his statement and grips me tight against his hard body, as if buying time to get his own thoughts in order. His legs anchor around mine and twist around my ankles, spreading me as wide as the bath will allow. I’m fully restrained against him. ‘But I think it’s a good idea,’ he continues. ‘We should maintain the status quo while we’re here, for the sake of the children.’

I immediately relax as he accepts my suggestion and my body melts into the warmth of his.

‘Now that we have at least agreed on one thing, I have some additional business to attend to.’ I try to speak, but his hand still covers my mouth. I think he is enjoying controlling the silence, possibly the only thing he can control about me at the moment, so I remain still against him. He can sense my question. ‘Well, sweetheart, if you’re not going to accept any drugs to help you sleep tonight, then the least I can do is provide your mind and body some relief and distraction from your endless thought processes.’

His free arm slides beneath my body and arrives conveniently between my legs, tantalisingly close to my sex. His hand around my mouth now stifles my groans, rather than my words, and he doesn’t hesitate to slip his finger in to torment my tongue. He has deftly pre-empted any potential protest as his magic fingers work between my legs to send my body into a frenzy. Almost instantly my ‘endless’ thoughts vaporise into the steaming water surrounding us.

I would have sworn that it would have been impossible for me to orgasm in my current state of angst. I was wrong. Twice, as a matter of fact. What is it about us and baths?

Needless to say, my emotional exhaustion, and the ultimate escapism he provided enabled me to achieve just what the doctor ordered … a dreamless night’s sleep.

Wishing time would stand still rather than marching determinedly forward, we spend the next few days wholeheartedly engaged with Elizabeth and Jordan at Disney World. We water slide, fall from terrifying heights, get splashed on boat rides, experience 4D movies, see ghosts, meet Mickey and Minnie and Donald’s entire family, Lightning McQueen, Tinkerbell and Ariel, and they all still managed to touch the kids’ hearts, as did their rides. Martin is never more than a few feet away from us and it was obvious he and Jeremy have reinforcements, who, even though they attempt to blend into the crowds, are continually loitering in the background. I don’t want anything to distract me from the kids’ joy so I don’t discuss it with Jeremy, knowing it would be a yet another redundant argument. I can’t help but notice the tentative looks that continually pass between him and Martin whenever we are out in public. Each time I catch them, Jeremy immediately masks his concern with a smile and enthusiastically captures the kids’ attention to distract me, and them, from my impending doom.

Our initial plan is to check out of the hotel tomorrow night and fly to Los Angeles to meet up with Robert, before heading back to Tasmania. I’m not sure if I want Robert involved in any of this chaos. I just want it to be over as soon as possible. Jeremy has asked me to think about whether or not I would have Elizabeth and Jordan’s blood tested; perhaps I’m being naive, but I want them to enjoy the holiday without needles and my mess impinging on their happiness. So many irresolvable thoughts, questions and logistics cascade through my head.

We haven’t had further discussions. We are both desperately trying to live in denial as long as we can stretch it out. A few times during the night, when we are meant to be sleeping, I notice Jeremy out in the lounge room with only the lamp on. One time I catch him pacing the floor and speaking in hushed, anxious tones on the phone. As soon as he sees me in the doorway he quickly hangs up and wraps me in his arms, ushering us both back to bed. The look in his eyes clearly informs me that any questions I have will not be answered right now, but I try anyway.

‘Jeremy, we need to talk. There is so much to work out and I’m starting to freak —’

He silences me with an index finger across my lips, looks something up on his phone and slips it into the docking station before whipping into the bathroom and returning with the ylang ylang massage oil. No doubt he senses my restlessness, but he hasn’t uttered a word since ending his phone call. When he returns the acoustic sounds of classic Australian songs filter through the room.

He slides off my pyjama top (I thought it was best to leave the negligees for when we’re on our own, for the kids’ sake) and guides me onto my stomach. Straddling my buttocks, he positions my arms either side of my body and rubs his hands together in the slippery oil. His large hands slide along my back and shoulders, loosening the tension that has been building since the arrival of the Wicked Witch’s letter. This feels so good.

He continues along my arms and hands, ensuring no part of my upper body is left ignored. I release a sigh as some more of my tension eases. After his thorough absorption with my back, he guides me to my front, now straddling my hips and thighs. He re-anoints his palms with the oil and begins the same process over my belly, chest and breasts. I feel my muscles melting under his firm rhythmic touch.

I stare into his eyes, which seem to be searching my soul in our silence. As if sensing my thoughts he lifts my wrist to his lips and kisses my bracelet.

‘Anam Cara,’ I whisper, knowing we are soul companions, knowing this bracelet symbolises our union and connection to each other. From a practical perspective, it also ensures he can never lose track of me given its GPS chip, something that was weird for me at first but which I’m forever grateful for since my abduction. And they’ve modified the bracelet again to ensure I can be tracked absolutely anywhere … underground, underwater or whatever. Knowing that it can’t be removed protects me and links me to Jeremy always. It binds us together even when we are forced apart.

My heart strains as I acknowledge how hard it will be for him to let me go, or for me to be taken away from him again, but I also know I don’t have a choice. I must do this for my children and for our future together. Surely he realises there is no other way. A tear slides down my face and his kiss is now tender against my cheek instead of against the precious jewellery encircling my wrist. More than anything, right this second and forever more I want Jeremy’s body and soul with me, just as he is now, with focus, dedication and an intimacy and knowledge that has only strengthened between us over the years.

He has been swelling in anticipation since rendering me topless and it is only a few seconds before both our pyjama bottoms are tossed to the floor. He holds himself above me, allowing me to feel his heat and hungrily caress his body.

I am more than ready for him, but suddenly he is in no rush; he kisses me in four places and lingers on sucking and nibbling of each one of my erogenous zones until I’m as wet with perspiration as I am below with desire. His lips reach my lips, his teeth nibbling, his tongue playing until I’m rapturous with desire and he slowly slides his full length into me. I wrap my legs around his taut butt as he anchors my hands to the bed with his. He adjusts slightly to find the perfect pressure point deep inside me, matching the same pressure with his tongue, almost suffocating my mouth with the same fullness as below.

We build together, we move together and we erupt together in perfect synchronicity and with a whispering scream we cry out each other’s name in the height of our shared ecstasy. At this moment there is a part deep within me that fully comprehends that having finally found me again, he will never let me go.