AMANDA BROOKE
Don’t Turn Around

Copyright

Published by HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd

1 London Bridge Street

London, SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2019

Copyright © Amanda Valentine 2019

Cover design by Micaela Alcaino © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2019

Cover photograph © Chris Reeve / Trevillion Images (front, spine); © Shutterstock.com (back)

Amanda Valentine asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Source ISBN: 9780008219185

Ebook Edition © January 2019 ISBN: 9780008219192

Version: 2018-10-23

Dedication

For my children, Jessica and Nathan

Table of Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Chapter 46

Chapter 47

Epilogue

Acknowledgements

Discover Amanda’s Other Novels!

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About the Author

Also by Amanda Brooke

About the Publisher

Prologue
The Confession

The rhythmic slap of my ballet shoes against the linoleum-covered steps echoes down the stairwell. As my pace slows, my head droops and my gaze falls onto the worn and familiar treads that lead to the seventh floor and home. I know each and every scuff mark, every chip of paint, and even the crumpled tissues and sweet wrappers discarded by my thoughtless neighbours are familiar to me. Unlike my apartment block’s gleaming city-centre exterior, its spine has an air of abandonment. The stairwell is rarely used and less frequently cleaned, and there have been times when I’ve taken it upon myself to return with rubber gloves and a bin bag, but no more. Believe me, I’ve tried, but nothing I do ever makes a difference.

My legs are trembling by the time I reach my floor and I take a moment to catch my breath. Drawn to the window with its view of the Liverpool waterfront, I follow the line of docks until they’re rudely interrupted by the modern edifice of a thirteen-storey office block that sits awkwardly between Canning Dock and the Pier Head. This is Mann Island, and although it hasn’t been an island for centuries, the place where I work certainly looks stranded next to the iconic outlines of the Port of Liverpool, Cunard and Liver Buildings. The Three Graces had been basking in the afterglow of a crisp autumn day when I’d set off on the short trek home along the Strand, but the world has darkened since, and the Graces have been reduced to silhouettes, pockmarked with yellow, fluorescent lights. As I step back from the window, my eyes refocus and I catch my reflection.

The apparition floating beyond the sheet of glass is weighed down by the heavy houndstooth woollen jacket hanging off her shoulders. Her round face is framed by straggly mouse-brown hair and a severe fringe that’s become frayed from her exertions. Her complexion is pale against the starless night and there’s no spark in her eyes. The fight has left her.

I don’t recognise this woman captured by the failing light, or perhaps I do. There’s something about her that reminds me of Meg. My cousin’s hair was a similar shade although you would describe hers as golden, and she never hid behind a fringe. Meg was bold, and yet the hopelessness in the face that stares back at me immediately brings her to mind.

I retreat to the exit door only to stop when I hear a noise. The soft squeak of a rubber sole on linoleum came from the floor above, or I think it did. The world falls silent again and I’m about to dismiss the crawling sensation that I’m being watched when—

‘Hello, Jen.’

Instinctively, I grab the safety bar but I don’t open the door because I’ve already recognised the deep voice that sent a jolt of terror down my spine. The fact that he’s here shouldn’t surprise me, and I know it won’t matter if I run away, or stand and fight. He’s already won.

I turn my head slowly but he stops me.

‘Don’t turn around.’

Keeping my head to the side, I stare at the window with its mirror image of the landing behind me. No figure appears from the shadows, no hand reaches out to wrap around my neck.

‘What is this? Don’t you have the guts to face me?’ I ask, my voice surprisingly calm.

There’s a pause and when he replies, he sounds closer. ‘If I thought it was going to be easy, we would have had this conversation ten years ago.’

‘This conversation?’ I ask. ‘If it’s a confession you’re planning, I’m not the one you should be talking to. It’s Meg’s parents who deserve answers.’

‘Ruth and Geoff don’t need to hear what I have to say.’

‘I suppose you’re going to tell me you’ve been protecting them all these years.’

‘Not only them.’

My laugh catches in my dry throat. ‘Oh, I see. You’ve been protecting me too.’

‘If Meg had wanted you to know everything, she’d have told you everything.’

‘Maybe she tried,’ I reply as I picture a torn scrap of yellow lined paper. Meg’s suicide note, or at least a remnant of it.

‘No, she didn’t,’ he says with finality. ‘Christ, Jen, didn’t you know her at all?’

‘She was my best friend. Of course I knew her!’ I tell him, raising my voice to camouflage the doubt.

‘Not like I did,’ he says in a whisper.

A door swings open three flights down and shrieks of laughter ricochet off the walls as a group of raucous, and possibly drunken friends race to the ground floor. Their giddiness reminds me of times lost, but I can’t trust my memories. How many of Meg’s smiles were a disguise for unfathomable pain?

When another door slams shut and stillness returns, I hear the whisper of stealthy footfalls. I scan the reflection of the empty landing and glimpse movement on the small section of the stairs that are visible to me. I spy a pair of black boots and legs clad in dark jeans. I twist my body towards him.

‘I said, don’t turn around.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I can’t …’ He curses under his breath. ‘I won’t do this if you’re looking at me.’

1
Jen

Two months earlier …

As I watch the TV crew setting up the interview, I stand as close as I dare to the floor-to-ceiling windows to give myself the best view across the office. The intensity of the summer sun reflecting off the white Portland stone of the neighbouring Port of Liverpool Building forces me to shield my eyes as I follow what the camera sees.

A banner for the Megan McCoy Foundation, set up by Ruth and Geoff set up in their daughter’s name three years after her death has been strategically placed to obscure the logo of McCoy and Pace Architects. It looks a little worn but better than it did this morning when I unearthed it from the bottom of the stationery cupboard. I used a Sharpie to cover up the scratches and I’m hoping the camera won’t pick up where I went outside the lines on the telephone number for the Lean On Me helpline. There’s half a roll of duct tape holding it all together on the back, but if the relaunch goes as well as we’re hoping, I can order new banners.

The cameraman points his lens over the reporter’s left shoulder while she asks, ‘Perhaps you could start by telling us a little about Megan.’ The camera zooms in on the middle-aged woman sitting at one of the two helpline pods that represent the sum total of the foundation’s resources.

Ruth’s long, slender body is tense but I see the lines creasing her brow soften as she begins to build a picture of her daughter in her mind. ‘She was my youngest – I have a son, Sean, who’s two years older – but Megan was the baby of the family. I know we spoiled her but that didn’t spoil her, if you know what I mean. She was no trouble, always did as she was told and she couldn’t have been more thoughtful and caring. Not a day went by without her doing something that was sweet, or funny, or just made my heart clench with love.’ Ruth’s smile broadens as she adds flesh to her daughter’s memory.

The spider’s web of wrinkles around her eyes that mark the ten years Ruth has lived with her heartache cut a little deeper and her smile falters. Her short, dark brown hair emphasises her paling complexion.

‘What went wrong?’ asks the reporter.

Ruth’s eyes flick towards me. ‘She fell in with the wrong crowd.’

I know my aunt better than I know my own mother. The look she gives me is not one of reproach. I’m no more responsible for Meg being led astray than she, but we carry our own guilt. I shift uncomfortably, aware of the wall of glass next to me that seems suddenly fragile.

‘Megan had been doing extremely well at school. Eleven A star GCSEs,’ Ruth continues. ‘Sean had gone off to university and we expected her to follow suit, but when she went into sixth form, everything changed. In those last two years, she went from being able to talk to us about anything, to not wanting to be in the same room as me or her father. I thought our relationship with our daughter was unbreakable but it was as if someone had hacked into her mind and completely rewired it. Geoff and I tried everything to get her back on track, from cajoling, to bribery, to threats, but nothing worked. As a last resort, we grounded her, something we’d never had to do before, but when she wasn’t barricading herself in her room, she would sneak out as soon as our backs were turned. We could see what was happening and were helpless to stop it.’

Ruth pulls at her polished fingernails and I find myself looking through her and into the past. I spent more time with Meg than I did my own sisters and of all the memories I have, the one that rises quickest to the surface is our last trip to school to pick up our A Level results. I have a vivid picture of standing with a cluster of friends as we tore open our envelopes. I had the grades I needed for my first choice uni, but my joy was short-lived as I became aware of other people’s reactions, and Meg’s in particular. She was deathly pale but her cheeks were pinched crimson as she watched Lewis Rimmer punch the air. She screwed up her envelope and flung it at his smug face.

‘What did I do?’ he asked as she stormed off.

It’s a question I still ask myself.

I wonder if Ruth is thinking of him too as she curls her fingers into fists. ‘Meg was devastated when she failed her exams. Uni had been her escape route, I think. It would have given her the chance to distance herself from the bad influences in her life.’

‘Was there substance abuse?’

‘No, but there was abuse,’ Ruth says carefully.

Shock forces me back a step and my shoulder thumps against the window before I can right myself. What is Ruth doing?

‘When Meg died,’ Ruth continues, her gaze remaining fixed on the reporter, ‘there was evidence of self-harm and a previous attempt to take her life that we knew nothing about. She hurt herself and I believe that was because someone was hurting her more, emotionally if not physically. Through my years on the Lean On Me helpline, I’ve learnt that an abuser’s greatest weapon can be the mind of his victim.’

A frown forms as the reporter checks her notes. She’s done her research and knows there was no mention of abuse in the coroner’s verdict. The foundation’s website simply states that Meg took her own life less than two weeks after failing her exams and that it was a senseless loss. That’s always been the official line and the abuse that we as a family know Meg endured has gone unrecorded and unpunished. Up until today, Ruth has kept to a carefully edited version of her daughter’s death to avoid litigation, and I don’t understand why she’s chosen now to speak up. Or perhaps I do.

Despite our best efforts, there has been little interest from the media in our cause. Press releases have gone unread and the handful of press interviews we’ve been able to secure have resulted in minimal column inches. This pre-recorded interview is our last-ditch attempt to draw in new callers and keep the helpline open, but there’s no guarantee that it will air this evening. It’s been a slow news week after the August bank holiday weekend but if something more newsworthy comes along, our story will be shelved. Ruth wants to make sure that doesn’t happen, and she certainly has the reporter transfixed.

‘It’s no coincidence that one of the foundation’s principal aims is to give young people the tools to recognise when they’re in toxic relationships,’ she continues. ‘Tools that could have saved Meg’s life.’

The reporter leans in closer to ask the question Ruth shouldn’t answer. ‘And who was it that hurt your daughter, Mrs McCoy?’

My fingers dig into the flesh of my arms – surely she won’t do it. Naming the man we all loathe might grab the headlines, but a lawsuit would follow and my next press release won’t be to promote the helpline, it’ll be to announce its closure.

‘There was a boyfriend,’ Ruth explains, skirting dangerously close to the truth. ‘I’m sure part of the attraction for Meg was that she knew we wouldn’t approve, but I’d been willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Geoff was less accommodating and, as it turned out, his instincts were better than mine. To understand what this man took from us, you would need to have known the person Meg was before she met him. When she was at her best, my daughter could light up a room. Pick a memory, any memory, and there was Meg right at the centre of it all, bright and beautiful.’ Ruth’s eyes light up, only to dim when she adds, ‘But in the space of two short years, he took every last spark of life she had and stamped it out. It was as if my sweet girl had been hollowed out. I lost her long before the day she died.’

I close my eyes, feeling a tension headache creeping up my temples. Even without a name, there are plenty of viewers who will know exactly who Ruth is talking about. I have to hope that Lewis won’t be one of them.

‘And that was three days before her eighteenth birthday,’ the reporter adds.

‘Ten years ago this coming Thursday.’

‘And the note Megan left. Did it mention anything about what she had been through?’ the reporter asks as she refers back to her notes.

‘The scrap of a note we were left with explained nothing,’ Ruth replies, choosing her words carefully.

When she looks at me, I shake my head urgently. The police investigation had found no evidence that someone else had been there when Meg hung herself, or that the note she had left had been tampered with, despite never finding the missing half to the page taken from her notepad. No matter what we might think privately, our suspicions can’t be made public. Acid burns in my stomach as I watch Ruth return her gaze to the camera, her eyes blazing with fury.

‘Meg told us she wanted her shame to be buried with her, but no child should be buried in shame. She was seventeen years old. If there’s any shame, it’s mine. I didn’t see what was in front of me, and I can never change that.’

‘You have nothing to be ashamed of,’ the reporter tells her.

‘Tell that to the people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid mentioning how I lost my daughter,’ Ruth hits back. Her voice softens when she adds, ‘But if we don’t talk about suicide and the pain it causes families like mine, how can we open up the conversation and reach out to those struggling with suicidal thoughts? Meg thought she was sparing us. I wish I could have told her that whatever she was going through, or whatever she thought she was putting us through, it wouldn’t last. It’s the grief that goes on forever. I didn’t simply lose her that day, I lost an entire future. I’ve recently become a grandmother but I’ll never see the children Meg might have had, or celebrate countless other milestones in her life.’

‘You’ve created a wonderful legacy in her memory. She would be very proud of you,’ the reporter says gently.

‘As I am of her. The Megan McCoy Foundation wouldn’t exist without her. Our daughter thought she had run out of options and our job is to make sure that young women, and men too, realise there are always options. I’ll never know what Meg would have made of her life if things had been different, but thanks to the Lean On Me helpline, I know quite a few young people who were on a similar path and are now enjoying lives they never thought possible. It’s a lovely feeling when they get back in touch to share good news.’

‘Perhaps you could tell me about some of the people you’ve helped.’

‘I didn’t do it alone. It’s been a group effort,’ Ruth says as she catches my eye. There’s a hint of a smile. She’s back on script.

Pressing my chin to my chest as Ruth recounts the foundation’s successes, I allow the relief flooding my chest to ease away my tension.

I’m not sure Ruth realises it, but the first person she saved was me. Meg’s death didn’t only rewrite her parents’ future, it rewrote mine too. I was always the shy one, hiding behind Meg’s armour of overconfidence. She could jump from a stage and never doubt that someone would catch her, while to this day I refuse to step into a lift because I’m convinced a cable will snap. Unlike Meg, I’ve never put my fears to the test but then I don’t need to. Bad things do happen – Meg proved that.

It would have been nice if my response to my cousin’s premature death had been to grab every opportunity that life had to offer, but I didn’t see the point. Not all leaps of faith ended well, so why take the risk? Much to my mother’s chagrin, I turned down my place at university and denied her a full complement of four daughters with degrees, husbands and successful careers. In her eyes, I’ve failed on all counts.

I spent the years I should have been at uni flitting from one casual job to another until Ruth asked for my help setting up the foundation. She had commandeered a corner of the new offices of McCoy and Pace Architects and she wanted my help to launch the Lean On Me helpline. The role was voluntary, the charity couldn’t afford paid staff or much else for that matter, but Ruth found a way around that by employing me as an admin assistant and allowing me to split my time between the firm and the foundation.

I was reluctant at first, and Mum wasn’t too pleased that I was being offered such a lowly position in her brother’s firm, but I wasn’t looking for favours from Auntie Ruth and Uncle Geoff. They became simply Ruth and Geoff as we adjusted to our new roles in each other’s lives, and although certain aspects of the work can be a challenge, I’ve been surprised by how much satisfaction I’ve gained from helping others through the charity. I’m less keen on my admin duties but, if the relaunch of the helpline is a success, if we secure more funding and reach out to more people, then I plan to start training to be a counsellor. It’s by no means guaranteed and I share Ruth’s desperation, but I’d like to believe that Meg is steering me towards a career I never knew I wanted. This relaunch has to work.

When I lift my head, Ruth is beaming a smile at the reporter. She’s in full flow, talking about the helpline. It might not be on the grand scale of some of the national charities we work with like the Samaritans, Women’s Aid and Refuge who can offer twenty-four-hour support but, for three evenings a week, we are there for young people who often have nothing more than a growing sense of unease about a relationship and want to talk it through. A listening ear might not sound like much, but we’ve had enough successes to make the last seven years worthwhile, and long may it continue.

A shadow appears in my periphery and I turn to find Geoff with his shoulder pressed against the window.

‘I wish you wouldn’t do that,’ I whisper, my pulse racing as I imagine a creak as the window frame loosens, followed by the sound of glass and bone shattering on the concourse below.

Geoff straightens up. ‘Sorry.’

Like Ruth, my uncle’s tailored appearance gives no hint of the trauma he’s suffered. He was the one who found Meg in the garage but if the shadow of that memory persists, it’s hidden behind the twinkle in his grey eyes. The only marked difference I’ve noticed in the past decade is a receding hairline and the slight paunch he carries as a result of too many whiskeys.

‘How’s it going?’ he asks, tipping his head towards Ruth.

I attempt a smile but my eyes give something away.

‘What’s happened?’

‘Ruth might have suggested Meg was being abused,’ I say with a wince. ‘She didn’t mention him by name but she said enough for anyone who knew Meg to join the dots.’

‘Including Lewis,’ Geoff replies, his mouth twisting into a snarl. ‘I wish we could name that bastard and prick his conscience, but I doubt he has one. He’s not the one who suffers when old wounds are reopened.’

I want to give my uncle a hug but that would simply acknowledge the pain he tries so hard to hide. ‘It’ll be worth it if just one person sees the interview and reaches out,’ I tell him.

‘It’s a lot of effort to go to for one person, Jennifer,’ he warns.

Despite being a trustee of the foundation, Geoff has always taken a pragmatic view of our work. He was the first to challenge the effectiveness of the helpline in light of the sharp decline in callers, and his initial suggestion was to wind things up as a precursor to retirement, which he’s mentioned an awful lot since turning sixty. The relaunch isn’t only about convincing new clients to believe in us.

‘We’ll get plenty of new callers after this,’ I promise, with enough conviction in my voice to make the cameraman on the other side of the office raise an eyebrow. I mouth an apology and for the remainder of the interview remain tight-lipped. It’s not as if there’s anything else I can say to Geoff that Ruth hasn’t already tried. Results are what we need and I pray that Ruth’s interview will draw the right kind of attention.

2
Jen

‘Did you see the interview?’ I ask Mum as I pour a layer of béchamel sauce over lasagne sheets.

‘Ruth didn’t look at all well. Her eyes were sunken and I bet her fingers have been chewed to the quick beneath those false nails.’

I pull a face, which fortunately Mum can’t see because she’s on speakerphone. ‘Ruth’s fine,’ I say. ‘If she looks tired, it’s because we’ve been working so hard on the relaunch. I thought she came across really well, and we got the message across that we needed.’

‘It’s a good cause, we all know that, but was it wise to name Lewis?’

‘She didn’t name him.’

‘As good as,’ Mum says, filling my heart with dread. If she thinks that, so will everyone else.

In the hours since the interview I’ve tried to remain positive but there’s no running away from the fact that Ruth has taken a huge risk. She’s made the first strike, and if I know anything about Lewis, it’s that he will hit back.

‘I can understand why she’s so determined to blame him,’ Mum continues. ‘It’s got to be better than facing the truth.’

‘Oh, and what exactly is the truth?’

I hear her sigh. ‘She blames herself, like any mother would. And I know she’d love to go back and do things differently but that’s never going to happen, is it?’

‘And what would you do differently?’ I ask through gritted teeth. If my mother wants to start apportioning blame, a chat about the role she played is long overdue.

‘I loved Meg, you know I did,’ she says firmly, ‘but it’s time to stop dwelling in the past. That video montage they showed – poor Meg, all smiles and full of life – it broke my heart. Goodness knows what it did to Ruth and Geoff.’

It broke my heart too, I want to tell her. But I shouldn’t have to. ‘Ruth wanted to share it, Mum,’ I continue. ‘It was her idea. The helpline wouldn’t exist without Meg and that’s how she keeps her memory alive.’

‘That, and having you around,’ Mum mutters, edging closer to the subject neither of us dare raise.

I’m the youngest of Mum’s brood and it’s fair to say that the novelty had worn off when she got to daughter number four. I gravitated to Meg because we were the same age and, well, because she was Meg. It wasn’t because my aunt and uncle had the posh house and the spare room I could have to myself whenever I stayed over, although Mum always insisted that was the draw. I loved being somewhere where I wasn’t lost in the melee of family life, and there were times when I wished Ruth had been my mum. Occasionally, I still do.

As I drop globs of bolognese sauce into the oven dish, it splatters across my white cotton shirt. I want to swear but I don’t. ‘Ruth and I share a passion for what we do,’ I explain. ‘Look at what we’ve achieved, Mum. There’s a lot we can be proud of.’

‘Of course there is,’ Mum says in a placating tone that riles me. ‘Your father and I are proud of you, as we are of all our daughters.’

‘Where is Dad?’ I ask, to steer her away from what I know is coming next. My sisters are her favourite topic of conversation.

‘He’s still watching the news. He says hi.’

I doubt Dad has peeled his eyes from the TV screen. Having brought up four daughters in a compact terraced house, he learnt long ago to tune out of the conversations going on around him.

‘Have you heard Hayley’s news?’ Mum continues. ‘She’s only been back from maternity leave two months and they’ve promoted her already.’

‘Yes, you told me.’

Mum hears the sharpness of my reply. ‘You’ll get there too, Jennifer. You have as much potential as your sisters and you’re still young-ish.’ There’s a telling pause before she adds, ‘Although I was looking at how long it takes to become a certified counsellor. You really should start training sooner rather than later.’

I regret ever mentioning my musings to Mum, but I’d been in the middle of planning the relaunch and Ruth had me all enthused about how the foundation might actually expand its services beyond the helpline, despite Geoff’s calls for caution. But Mum’s right. It will take years to become qualified and there would be sacrifices I’d have to make along the way.

I glance across the open plan apartment, with its polished timber floor and gleaming surfaces. There are no sticky finger marks on the glass dining table, no Lego bricks gathering dust beneath the pale grey sofa, and the corner desk has no teetering tower of files brought home from a demanding job. I’m unlike any of my sisters.

It’s as if Mum is looking over my shoulder when she adds, ‘And it’s not the only thing you need to start planning.’

I don’t know why I bothered answering the phone when I saw Mum’s name appear. On a day when I’m desperate for a hug, my mother puts me in a stranglehold. Can’t she see that I’m happy as I am?

‘It’s ten years since – you know,’ Mum continues. ‘It’s time to move on and start building a life for yourself.’

As Mum’s voice drones on from the speakerphone, I carry the lasagne to the oven. The dish makes a clatter as I drop it onto a baking shelf and I don’t hear the front door opening. When I straighten up, Charlie catches me pulling faces at the phone.

‘You’re twenty-eight years old, Jennifer,’ Mum continues, having given up pretending I’m still young-ish. ‘You need to think about settling down properly, and Charlie’s business is doing well. Isn’t it time he popped the question?’

Charlie’s eyebrows lift as his mouth pulls into a smirk. Mum would have a fit if she knew that in almost eight years of living together, Charlie has asked me to marry him a total of five times and my answer has always been the same – what we have works.

‘I’m waiting for Jen to ask me, Eve,’ Charlie calls out.

There’s a long pause and I can’t tell if Mum has been struck dumb because she’s realised Charlie was listening, or she’s simply horrified at the idea that one of her daughters should have to do the asking.

‘Don’t worry about us, Mum,’ I say to break the silence. ‘We’re happy enough as we are. Shouldn’t that be what matters?’

‘I’m only looking out for you— for both of you,’ she adds. ‘You don’t have to settle for happy enough. That’s all I’m saying.’

This time when I pull a face, Charlie does too and we have to stifle our giggles as we say our goodbyes to Mum and I cut the call.

‘That’s never all Mum was saying,’ I mutter.

‘It’s your fault for not fitting into her standardised daughter mould.’

‘And she won’t stop until she’s hammered me into place.’

‘I like a woman who knows her own mind,’ Charlie says before adding quickly, ‘You do know I’m talking about you, right? Not your mum?’

‘I know,’ I reply although I’m not sure I do know my own mind. My refusal to conform could be because Meg passed on her rebellious streak to me as a parting gift, but I suspect what she actually left me with was fear – fear of opening new doors when the one behind was torn off its hinges and will never close. I doubt I could look to the future at all without Charlie. He knows what we left behind. He was there too. ‘Thank you for saving me from my mother’s designs.’

‘As I recall, we saved each other,’ he replies.

Moving closer, Charlie circles the kitchen island that divides the kitchen and living space. He’s a foot taller, some might say lanky, with curly brown hair and hazel eyes pinched into a permanent squint because he refuses to wear glasses except for driving. He says they make him look like a geek and I’m inclined to agree but it was his geekiness that attracted me to him, and that was long before he ever noticed me.

We met in high school and were part of the same circle of friends with Meg at its core. There was an unspoken rule that none of us could fancy each other, and no one had an issue with that until we started sixth form and Lewis infiltrated the group. That was when the rules of engagement were rewritten and Charlie and I were one of the last to pair off. The fact that Lewis was the catalyst might suggest his influence was a good thing. It wasn’t.

His arrival heralded the end of all our teenage dreams, and Meg wasn’t the only one who would fail her A Levels. Charlie did too, and if I’m honest, I was more worried about him at the time than I was Meg. I was no longer the person she turned to in a crisis, and I proved to be no help to Charlie either. After Meg’s funeral, he disappeared for a while. He went to work for his uncle in Warrington and when he returned a year or so later, he found me where he’d left me; still at Mum and Dad’s, still grieving, still scared to look to the future. Thank God for Charlie.

A smile creeps across my face as I watch him pick up a damp dish cloth and begin treating the red spatters on my shirt as if they’re war wounds. He has the presence of a paramedic although his area of expertise lies closer to stain removal.

Taking advice from his uncle, Charlie had come back to Liverpool with a plan. He set up his own cleaning business and I’d been helping him when Ruth stole me away to work for her. It was probably a good thing that I left when I did. As is apparent from the mess I’ve made in the kitchen, cleaning is not my forte, whereas Charlie has found his vocation. Despite what my mum might think, you don’t need qualifications to be a success.

‘What on earth’s got your mum riled up this time?’ he asks.

‘The interview. Meg’s anniversary. Hayley’s promotion. The full moon,’ I say, counting them off on my fingers.

Charlie’s quiet for a moment. Meg has that effect on us. ‘How did the interview go?’

‘I imagine that depends on who you ask.’

‘Forget whatever your mum’s said.’ He puts the cloth down and wraps his arms around me.

Resting my head on his chest, I say, ‘I’m not talking about Mum, and the interview itself went well. It might only be the local news but our services are targeted to the North West anyway, and it’s just what we need to raise awareness.’

‘But?’

‘Ruth … She all but named Lewis as Meg’s murderer.’ I’m forced to raise my head as Charlie pulls back from me in shock. ‘I know, I know. You don’t have to give me that look.’

‘Does she realise what she’s done?’ Charlie asks, as if the retribution I’ve been fearing is all but guaranteed.

‘I think Geoff will have driven home that message. I saw them having words after the TV crew had wrapped up,’ I tell him. I’d watched them in their glass-fronted corner office and I didn’t need to hear what was said to know it was a heated discussion. ‘She’s been so careful in the past, wording everything perfectly in case Lewis decided to sue us for slander and close us down. But we’re so close to closing down anyway and Ruth let her frustration get the better of her. It could have been worse. There was a moment when I thought she was going to mention the note.’

Charlie backs away. ‘But she didn’t?’

The loss of Charlie’s warm embrace sends a shiver down my spine. ‘No, but she did mention abuse and she did mention a boyfriend,’ I reply as a knot of anxiety tightens in my chest.

I don’t want to be scared of Lewis; he doesn’t deserve one drop of my emotions but it’s difficult when you don’t know, and have never known, exactly who you’re dealing with. As a newcomer to our school, we knew only the rumours about Lewis’s past. He played up his tough, macho image to assert his position in our group but there were times when it was impossible not to feel sorry for what he and his mum had been through. In hindsight, that vulnerability was an artifice, and the only thing about Lewis that was indisputable was the terrible effect he had on Meg.

‘I don’t blame Ruth. People deserve to know what he did,’ I continue. ‘It doesn’t matter what the police found or didn’t find, Lewis was there that day, the missing note proves it. Meg could have been alive when he got there for all we know. He might have bullied her into doing it. What gets me most is that he was callous enough to just leave her hanging there. Can you imagine?’

‘Don’t,’ Charlie says, his hand trembling as he wipes away a fat tear slipping down my cheek.

‘He’s a monster, Charlie.’

‘I know, but he’s a monster I’d rather you kept away from.’

‘If he’s still in Newcastle, he won’t see the report and, with any luck, no one will bother to tell him.’

Charlie holds my gaze a second too long. I want him to pull me close again so I can ignore the shadow that passed over his face, but he doesn’t move. I fall back against the kitchen counter. ‘What is it?’

Mirroring my movements, Charlie leans against the kitchen island, pushing his hands deep into his pockets. ‘He’s back in Liverpool, Jen. He has been for a few months.’

‘And you didn’t think to tell me?’ It’s not quite a screech but it’s close.

‘I didn’t think— I hoped I wouldn’t need to. It’s not like he kept in touch with any of our friends.’

I clench my jaw and make a concerted effort to match Charlie’s supplicant tone. ‘I was hoping he’d be in prison by now, or killed in a gang war like that cousin of his.’

Lewis was a magnet when it came to trouble. The only reason he had appeared in our lives was to escape the mess he’d left somewhere else. He was fifteen when his cousin was stabbed to death near their home in Huyton and Lewis’s mum hadn’t wanted her only child to suffer the same fate. She had packed up and moved with her son to South Liverpool, cutting off all ties with the family who accepted violence as the norm. When I heard their story, I was full of admiration, and despite what’s happened since, I do have respect for what his mum had wanted to achieve. I’ve spoken to many women who have walked away from abusive relationships with nothing except the determination to find a better life for their children, and although Lewis’s mum fled under different circumstances, she had given her son the best chance possible. Lewis was the one who squandered it.

Charlie sighs. ‘He’s back because his mum’s ill. I think it’s cancer or something. I don’t know much.’

‘You know a lot more than I’d expect considering he doesn’t keep in touch with anyone we know. Have you actually seen him?’

He flinches. ‘He’s the last person I’d want to see, Jen. I don’t want him in our lives any more than you do. It was Jay and Meathead who bumped into him, and no, they weren’t stupid enough to suggest a school reunion. They hooked up on Facebook, that’s all.’

‘And you say they’re not stupid?’ I’m managing to hold back my anger but it’s not easy. I take deep breaths as I process the news. My skin crawls at the idea that Lewis is nearer than we thought, and if Charlie’s idiot friends can bump into him then how long before I do, or God forbid, Ruth or Geoff? ‘Is he back in that flat over the off-licence on Allerton Road?’

‘No, it was the first thing I asked. His mum moved to Bootle and he’s living there with her. I don’t know where exactly,’ he answers before I can ask.

I’m relieved that Lewis is living north of the city but it’s still too close. ‘What else have they found out?’

‘Nothing really,’ Charlie tries, only to squirm under my gaze. ‘He’s a personal trainer.’

‘Successful?’

Charlie shrugs. ‘No idea. He works freelance at a hotel.’

It’s like pulling teeth. ‘Which one?’

‘I don’t know, Jen. Honestly, I haven’t taken that much notice. Does it matter?’

I push past Charlie and cross the living room towards the window. Across the sprawling city, lights are flickering on as the summer’s day draws to a close. My eyes travel the route I take to work along the Strand to Mann Island and I’m struck by how many hotels I can see. ‘What if it’s one of those? What if I walk past him every day?’

Charlie keeps his hands in his pockets as he approaches. He’s heard the tremble in my voice and when he realises it’s my entire body shaking, he pulls me back into his arms. ‘He’s not interested in us, Jen. If I thought he was a threat, I would have done something about it,’ he tells me.

It’s a nice thought but what Charlie gains in height, Lewis always made up for in muscle, and if he’s working as a personal trainer, I imagine he’s more than a match for my would-be hero. ‘The only reason you don’t think he’s a threat is because that’s what Lewis wants you to believe. He’s bad news, Charlie. He always was. Why can’t you see that?’

‘I do,’ he says, kissing the top of my head. ‘But none of us are teenagers any more. What happened with Meg changed us and I bet it changed Lewis too. He’ll have enough on his plate looking after his mum. It’s time for us all to get on with our lives.’

‘Unless you’re Meg,’ I remind him.

As I close my eyes, I replay the snatches of video included in this evening’s news report; Meg blowing out candles on her tenth birthday, playing football on the beach with me and Sean, taking centre stage in a school play. But then my thoughts turn to Ruth, her voice breaking as she told the reporter how Meg’s death was a slow and painful process that began when Lewis invaded our lives.

‘It’s not fair. He can’t come back here and expect us all to forget what he did,’ I say, only to realise that Ruth has made sure he knows that we haven’t. ‘It’s not over. It was stupid to believe it ever was.’

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