Who can you trust, if you can’t trust yourself?

Holly West has turned her life around. She’s found a successful and loving husband in Simon and is expecting twins. She is definitely a woman who has taken back control of her future.

Until she gives birth, but for only one twin to survive. Holly can’t let it go.

Holly’s world is in a tailspin and suddenly she can’t trust herself or anyone else. No one believes her, not her husband or her best friend. Because she thinks she knows the truth… her son is still alive and she won’t stop until she finds him.

Behind the Lie

Amanda James

Copyright

HQ

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2017

Copyright © Amanda James

Amanda James asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

E-book Edition © April 2017 ISBN: 9780008258818

Version: 2018-03-13

AMANDA JAMES

grew up in Sheffield but her dream was to eventually live in Cornwall. Having now realised that dream, the dramatic coastline around her home inspires her writing and she has sketched out many stories in her head while walking the cliff paths.

Known to many as Mandy, she spends far more time than is good for her on social media and has turned procrastination into a fine art. Amanda has written many short stories for anthologies and has five published novels. Two, A Stitch in Time and Cross Stitch, are about a time-travelling history teacher; three are a mixture of suspense and mystery – Somewhere Beyond the Sea, Dancing in the Rain and Summer in Tintagel.

Amanda left school with no real qualifications of note apart from an A* in how to be a nuisance in class. Nevertheless, she returned to education when her daughter was five and eventually became a history teacher, though she never travelled through time, apart from in her head.

When Amanda is not writing she can be found playing on the beach with her family or walking next to the ocean plotting her next book.

Follow her on Twitter @akjames61 and on Facebook at mandy.james.33

To Brian – my biggest champion

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank all my friends, family and readers who have encouraged me on my continued writing journey. A writer’s path is never a smooth one, unless you are very lucky! Special thanks goes to Imogen Howson, who first saw a very sketchy synopsis for Behind the Lie and told me to go for it, and to my wonderful and very hard-working editor, Victoria Oundjian. She has incredible insight and has helped me iron out some of the many creases in the plot! Thanks, of course, to my publisher HQ too.

Contents

Cover

Blurb

Title Page

Author Bio

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

Epilogue

Copyright

Prologue

I close my eyes. I want to shut out the bright lights, to block from my ears the incessant beep of monitors, the clink of instruments on metal trays, the rustle of a plastic apron as a nurse follows hushed instructions from the surgeon. My husband, Simon, has tried to prepare me for this moment, but how can I be? Nobody could.

Not for this.

My heart is racing and a weight of despair crushes my chest. I can’t give up yet though. Mustn’t. Simon has told me that I can’t think the worst, must be positive. I cannot voice my fears or they could become real. I hold tight to my husband’s hand and he whispers encouraging words.

The wail of an infant snaps my eyes open once more and I let out a moan. It’s a mixture of both hope and despair, because there should be two, you see.

Two babies.

Moments later, the surgeon tells us we have a little girl. I want to ask about my son, but I can’t say the words. There are too many people in the room, nurses, assistants, an anaesthetist, and God knows who else, and it sounds as if they are all talking at once. I can hear someone saying something about weight and then a nurse is rushing around; I can’t tell what she’s doing; there’s a green operating sheet hanging in front of me. Suddenly my daughter is in my arms and an overwhelming rush of love takes my breath. Before I can speak again, I realise that the surgeon has left the room and a nurse too, I think. It’s so hard to see everything that’s happening and I begin to panic again. Simon calms me, explains they are just doing my stitches.

My husband takes my daughter’s tiny hand and says she looks just like me. He is flushed with pride and tells us both how much he loves us. I ask where our boy is and he tells me not to worry, that a nurse has just taken him to have some checks, that it will all be fine. I think he sounds less than convincing. Then a male nurse comes in, whispers in Simon’s ear. He passes my daughter back to me, asks if I will be okay for a few minutes without him. I ask why, but he doesn’t answer.

He is gone for some time and when he returns his grey eyes are moist and he whispers in my ear that he’s so sorry but there was nothing that could be done and that our worst fears have come true; that he’s so, so sorry, but at least we have our healthy baby girl. He kisses my cheek tenderly and I want to scream, because my baby boy is gone.

Gone for ever.

Chapter One

Five weeks earlier…

The kiss of an ocean breeze wakes me from sleep. I watch the white gauze curtain’s gentle rise and fall at the open bedroom window, listen to the shush of the waves hurrying in their ceaseless journey back and forth along the sand, and take a deep breath of morning air – ozone and lilies. Wonderful.

Waking to nature’s alarm clock in my beloved Cornwall on a sunny spring morning is infinitely preferable to the shriek of a digital one in our twelfth-floor London apartment. I reach out and caress the stems of white lilies by my bed and remind myself that I am very lucky to have both homes. In fact, I think that my life is just about perfect right now. Okay, so there are one or two shadows, I suppose that’s what you’d call them, darkening my positive thoughts some days, but nothing I can’t handle.

A lazy smile on my lips, I stretch my limbs and run my fingers over the distended mound of my belly. My hands pause. Was that a response?

Yes.

One kick and… another.

It hardly seems possible that just two years ago my belly was as flat as an African veldt and my whole career depended on my face and body. My five-feet-nine fashion-model body. I’d have been horrified to find myself pregnant back then, but now I am overjoyed. Overjoyed times two, because I am carrying twins. My laughter escapes as I stroke my tummy again.

In the kitchen now and halfway through a bowl of cornflakes, my mobile rings from somewhere in the hall. I pull my dressing gown across my bump and hurry over – probably left it in my coat pocket again. Yes, I did…

‘Hi, Holly! Didn’t wake you, did I?’

The sound of my oldest and best friend’s voice on the line warms my heart. ‘Demi! No, of course you didn’t wake me. It is,’ I glance at the kitchen clock, ‘nearly nine o’clock. Been up for hours!’

‘Really?’

‘Of course not. More like ten minutes.’ We laugh. I never was good at getting up early. Demi used to call for me on the way to school and always had to wait while I rushed around like a maniac.

‘Typical. Look, I know we said we’d meet up tomorrow, but can I pop over this morning instead? I’ve doubled booked myself.’

‘Yeah, of course. The sooner the better. I have bacon, but bring eggs and I’ll make us breakfast.’

‘Bacon and eggs? I remember a time that you’d rather die than eat that. How you survived on just coffee and… um… fags I will never know.’ Her chuckle sounds like it’s embarrassed, not amused.

The little pause before she said fags wasn’t lost on either of us and a bit of sunshine went out of the day. We both know that her runaway tongue had been going to say drugs. All that is over now. A hundred years ago. At least that’s how it feels – my life has changed irrevocably.

‘Ah, yes. Dark days, Demelza. Dark days indeed. But now everything is different, thank goodness. Oh, and can you bring some fresh white bread?’

‘Are you sure you are Holly, the “to die for” former fashion model, or am I speaking to a charlatan?’

‘I am the former fashion model, but I think you’ll find my figure is no longer to die for… well, it could be. Depends how you look at it.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Let’s just say that I’ve changed in the two years since we last met. You’re going to be in for a big surprise.’

From behind the slats at the window, I watch a battered blue VW Camper trundle along the unmade beach road and pull up outside. Bloody hell, Demi must have had that for nearly ten years. It was old when her dad gave it to her for her sixteenth birthday, but that was Demi all over. Why change it if it still worked? Besides, it fitted with her laid-back, adventurous nature and surf-dude style. I watch her get out of the van and the breeze tug at her tangle of copper curls as she turns her expectant green eyes to my beach house. Oh, it is so good to see her again. A little piece of my past right there and ready to reunite with my present. A little piece of the past that I missed more than I realised until this moment.

Demi runs up the sandy incline, a carrier bag of groceries in her hand, and I dodge away before she sees me at the window. I don’t want to give away my secret until I open the door. I want to see the expression on her face. With a giggle in my throat I fling open the door, just as she’s raising her finger to press the bell. The wide-as-the-sky smile on her face falters, her mouth drops open, becoming just as round as her eyes.

‘Oh my WORD!’ Demi points at my bump in disbelief. ‘You’re… you’re… oh, my word!’

‘Pregnant? Is that the word your brain is scrambling for?’ I laugh and throw my arms around her. Not easy with a mountain between us.

She hugs me as best she can and then says, ‘But why the hell didn’t you tell me?’

‘Because I wanted to see your face! I couldn’t tell you before, could I, because you’ve been travelling around the world for the last hundred years, finding yourself, or whatever you young folk do.’

Demi narrows her eyes. ‘I went to work with Save the Children in India, for six months, and that was ages ago – before your wedding. And then to Greece working in a bar. Listen to you with the young folk? There’s three months between us.’

I do love winding her up, it’s so easy. I hold the door open and usher her in. ‘Well, I am soon to be a mother, so therefore much more mature than you, don’t you know?’

She takes a few steps inside and shakes her head, her eyes fixed on my belly. ‘I just can’t bloody believe it. You’re the last person I thought would get pregnant. And you are SO… massive!’

I ignore the first bit and say, ‘That’s because I’m having twins, a boy and a girl.’

‘Shut up! You’re not!’

‘Am.’

‘Wow! Are you happy about it all, then?’

I grin at the little furrow in her brow. ‘Do I look happy?’

‘Why yes… yes, you do,’ she says with a laugh.

‘Then that’s your answer. Now come through and I’ll get that bacon on.’

Soon the kitchen is full of breakfast smells and laughter. Demi is still as crazy as she ever was, and it’s a wonder I can cook at all, I’m giggling so much. Suddenly serious, she pulls herself up onto the countertop, looks round the room and spreads her arms wide.

‘My God, Holly, you have done incredibly well for a Cornish maid. This house is like, humongous; in fact, this kitchen is bigger than my entire flat! And the view from the living room over the ocean…’ She gives a wistful little sigh. ‘What I wouldn’t give.’

I nod. ‘It is very lovely and I am so lucky to have such a generous husband. Simon bought this place for me when I started to get homesick last year.’

Demi’s eyes grow round. ‘He must be a bloody millionaire then. Most guys buy their wives a bunch of flowers from the local garage.’

I laugh and crack an egg into the pan. ‘Perhaps not quite a millionaire,’ I say, though he probably is. I don’t know for definite as he keeps his finances close to his chest. ‘But, as you know, a London private consultant’s salary isn’t peanuts.’

She takes a sip of her tea and rolls her eyes. I think I catch a look of disdain in that eye-roll and crack another egg more forcefully. Demi and Simon have met just the once, at our wedding two years ago, and though my best friend had been polite and pleasant, I knew she didn’t like him. When I’d asked her what she thought of my new husband, she had been non-committal, just said she was glad I was happy and then gone off to get a drink. Afterwards, despite numerous invites to spend time with us in London, Demi had always come up with an excuse as to why she couldn’t make it. Then she’d gone off to Greece.

‘Why don’t you like Simon, Demi?’ I say as I tip the eggs onto a plate with the bacon.

She pulls her neck in and gives me a frown. ‘Eh? Who says I don’t like him? I’ve only met the guy the once.’

‘Exactly.’ I put the plates on the table and Demi jumps down from the countertop. ‘You never visited us and I know you inside out – I should, shouldn’t I? We have been friends since we were nine.’

Demi cuts the fresh white loaf and slathers thick butter across it. ‘Oh, this is still warm, Holly.’ She gives a groan of pleasure and stuffs more bread in her mouth. ‘I swear to God that Kendra’s bake the best bread in Cornwall. I bet if Terry Kendra went on Bake Off he’d win hands…’ Demi looks at my set face, swallows the bread and sighs. ‘Look, do we have to do this now, just as we’re about to enjoy this wonderful breakfast?’

My heart sinks. How bad can it be? ‘No… not if you…’

‘It’s just that he’s a bit, you know, controlling…?’ Demi’s words burst out around forkfuls of breakfast shoved rapidly into her mouth and I have to concentrate really hard to hear them. ‘It’s as if you were some kind of trophy for him. He saw you, decided he wanted you, but then what man wouldn’t? A stunning, tall, blonde, blue-eyed model?’ She pauses and points an eggy fork at me. ‘And, I might add, one of the nicest people in the known universe. So he got you clean of drugs and then took you.’ Demi shakes her head in bewilderment. ‘All within three bloody months. I knew within ten minutes of talking to him that it was a case of whatever Simon wants, Simon gets.’

I watch her push her plate away and pour more tea. A mouthful of my breakfast refuses to be swallowed, just sits in my cheek like a lump of cardboard. I hadn’t expected that… even though I might have thought along those lines myself. More than I’d like to admit.

‘Hey, I’m sorry, but you did ask.’ Demi touches my hand briefly but her eyes dance away from the hurt in mine. ‘And we promised early on that we would be honest with each other, didn’t we? If you’re happy with him, that’s all that matters.’

I nod briefly, swallow my food with a swig of tea, and push my barely touched plate away. ‘You don’t really know him, so I suppose he could have come across as a bit controlling. But I was out of my depth when I met him… had been for nearly a year. The modelling scene in London is mad… a never-ending round of parties, drugs, photo shoots… it all went to my head. I wasn’t eating properly, sleeping…’ I hear my voice catch and Demi takes my hand across the table.

‘Let’s stop now. I’m sorry I upset you. Let’s talk about the babies…’

‘No. I want you to understand.’ I take my hand back and tuck my hair behind my ears. I was on antidepressants, booze, as well as the cocaine… I wanted to come home, leave it all, but I couldn’t come home a junky, could I? Imagine what it would have done to Mum only the year after Dad died? I wanted her to be proud of me, make something of myself, but the way things were going I’d have been dead before I was twenty-five.’

Demi puts her hand to her mouth. ‘I didn’t realise it had got that bad. Why didn’t you tell me? I would have helped you.’

I look at her shocked little face, soft green eyes as big as saucers, and want to laugh. How the hell could she have helped me? What did she know about my life at the time? Me, a girl from a Cornish village, drunk on the glamour and bright lights of London. Swayed by promises of making the big time, becoming a supermodel even… And I had done very well, very quickly. Perhaps could have gone higher in my career, but the scene began to beat me back as if I were driftwood against the returning tide. Swept me away, down and under…

‘You wouldn’t have been able to help me, Dem. I needed specialist help and Simon got that for me. He rescued me from drowning, saved my life…’

‘Well, that’s good then.’ Demi shoots me an unconvincing smile, stands and turns to the kettle. ‘Shall I make more tea?’

What the hell is wrong with her? Doesn’t she believe me? ‘No tea for me. And Simon honestly did save me, you know?’ I stand and take the plates over to the sink.

Demi gives me a searching look. ‘Simon might have saved you, but don’t you think he did it for himself, not for you? I had it from the horse’s mouth at the wedding. He told me he came to that fashion show with his then girlfriend, saw you on the catwalk and decided he must have you. So he gets your agent to set up a meeting, tells you he’s in love with you, sweeps you off your feet, and arranges for you to see a top drug therapist. Then you’re in rehab for a few weeks and, meanwhile, he arranges the wedding of the year. Job done.’

I’m puzzled. ‘This isn’t news, Demi; I told you the same story myself. He was in love with me; that’s why he had to have me, help me. It was love at first sight on his part and I fell for him pretty quickly afterwards.’

‘It might have been the same story, but you didn’t see his face when he told me his version. It was as if you were some acquisition, something he’d bought, just like he buys his houses, cars…’ Demi stops and holds her hands up. ‘Right, that’s it. No more now. I want to hear all about these precious babies, and as long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.’

I return her smile and we link arms and walk across the living room and out onto the balcony. The tide is on its way in, the sun is playing chase with the clouds, and the wide expanse of Crantock beach is occupied by dog walkers, kite surfers and a few brave paddlers in the cold spring breakers. A thought pushes itself to the front of my mind. Perhaps there’s a little bit of Demi that’s jealous? Hasn’t she just said she would love a place like mine – what she wouldn’t give? Maybe she’d like to settle down, have the life I have, a husband that’s successful?

‘This is just an amazing view; I bet you never want to go back to London,’ Demi says quietly.

I push those thoughts to the back of my mind again. If she’s a bit jealous, then that’s only natural, isn’t it? I’d probably be the same if our roles were reversed. I smile. ‘To be honest, no I don’t. Especially since I’ve been pregnant. I want my babies to breathe in fresh sea air instead of pollution and listen to seagulls, not car horns.’

I look at Demi and the smile dies on my face. She has tears standing and she swallows hard. ‘You know you always say that everything is all okay as long as you’re happy?’

I nod.

‘I’ve asked you if you’re happy three times since I’ve been here and you haven’t said anything back. You are happy, aren’t you? I’d hate to think that you…’

I slip my arm around her shoulder and give her a squeeze. ‘Hey, of course I am, silly,’ I say to the beach. I don’t want to look into her searching eyes; she always could read me far too well. ‘Why wouldn’t I be? I have everything I’ve ever wanted.’

Chapter Two

Simon ended the call to his wife and poured a whisky. After the day he’d had, he needed one, and he needed Holly too, but she’d just told him she wasn’t coming home until the end of the week and he missed her. She’d originally said she’d be back tomorrow and now it would be three more days. Yes, the beach house was his gift to her to make sure she still felt connected to Cornwall and all that romantic stuff about the wild ocean she talked about. But she needed to realise that London was her home now. He’d make her realise it. He had to. The babies were due in five weeks and if she postponed again he’d be worried she might go into labour out in the sticks instead of at his clinic where she’d be safe. If anything happened to her or the babies, he’d never forgive himself.

The light of the reading lamp behind him in the otherwise dark apartment made a mirror of the floor-to-ceiling windows. In them, a tall, dark-haired man wearing a black pinstriped suit glowered at himself and then lifted a heavy crystal tumbler to his lips. Except that it was empty. Simon strode over to the drinks cabinet and refilled the glass. The apartment always felt so empty when Holly was away. He wished he didn’t miss her so much… love her so much. Simon put the glass to his lips and took a big mouthful, his breath taken by the whisky burning a path to his stomach.

In the bedroom he threw off his clothes and ran the shower in the en suite. He’d planned to stay in tonight, but it wouldn’t hurt to go out for a bit, would it? Simon needed a distraction, a bit of fun. He thought about the determined tone that had crept into his wife’s voice on the telephone earlier when he’d said he’d like her to come home tomorrow like she’d agreed. Simon was sure that little witch Demelza had changed Holly’s mind. He knew she’d be trouble when he first laid eyes on her. All thick as thieves and hugs with Holly, yet as cold as ice with him. That was unusual. He had the opposite effect on women mostly.

Half an hour later, Simon shrugged into his jacket and, with some trepidation, examined his appearance in the dressing-table mirror. These long days and late nights were taking their toll. He leaned closer and ruffled the hair around his temples. No, he wasn’t mistaken when he’d looked at himself in the window earlier; there were a few grey hairs amongst the dark. And yes, the fine lines around his eyes were becoming more pronounced. Fuck, he was only thirty-four. Perhaps he should stay in after all, have a warm drink, go to bed… the gaming tables hadn’t been kind to him lately either. Then he thought about the empty flat and the bed that was too big.

Grey hairs or no, the cocktail waitress couldn’t take her eyes off him. She’d welcomed him into the casino bar as if they were old friends and called him by his name. Yes, he was a regular, but still a nice touch given that he couldn’t recall seeing her before. He watched her now as she mixed his drink: dark sparkly eyes, generous mouth, curvy figure poured into a slinky red dress, and bouncy chocolate curls tumbling over her shoulders. The complete opposite of Holly, admittedly, but then he didn’t really have a type. A gorgeous woman was a gorgeous woman. He liked them and they liked him.

Simon had been very good since he’d been married where the ladies were concerned, however. Not so much with the gambling… but that was another story. It was blatantly obvious that many of the nurses and some of female doctors at the practice were his for the taking, should he ask. He hadn’t asked though. Holly was enough for him; she was everything he’d ever wanted. Why she was, he didn’t know. Apart from her stunning looks, she was kind of average in other areas: intelligence, ambition, creativity… Simon had always thought that any wife of his would be outstanding in everything she did. But he’d seen her on that catwalk three years ago and he’d just known she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

‘Penny for them, Mr West?’ Chocolate Curls set the glass down and leaned her elbows on the bar to give him a good view of her cleavage. ‘My name’s Lauren by the way.’

Simon took a drink and looked at her cheeky smile. ‘I’m thinking about my wife, Lauren, as it goes.’

Lauren’s eyes lost a bit of sparkle, but she said in a bright voice, ‘Oh, that’s nice. She’s a very lucky woman to be married to you.’

‘Why do you say that?’

‘Well, good-looking, successful, polite, charming. Did I say good-looking?’

Her throaty giggle and a wink made Simon laugh too. ‘Thanks. My wife doesn’t agree though. Seems she prefers the company of her old school friend and the wiles of Cornwall to her husband and Thameside apartment.’

‘Really? No accounting for taste is there?’ Lauren smiled again and twirled a strand of hair round her finger.

Simon smiled back and let his gaze slowly travel from her eyes to her cleavage, deliberately lingering there before flicking his eyes back to hers again. She looked back at him without a trace of embarrassment, and though she didn’t say anything, her message was loud and clear. Simon took another drink and watched her over the rim of his glass as she mixed a drink for another customer at the other side of the bar. She really had the most amazing arse. Would it hurt if he slipped just this once? Because she was heavily pregnant, Holly hadn’t felt like sex much lately; understandable, but very tedious…

‘Simon! Not joining us tonight, matey?’

He felt the heavy hand of Giles, an old school acquaintance, on his shoulder and the alcohol fumes from his breath nearly singed his eyebrows. ‘Evening, Giles. I’m not sure that I am… might give it a miss,’ he said into his glass while still eyeing Lauren.

‘Nonsense! You have to let me win back what I lost a few weeks back, eh? ‘Slonley right.’

Simon looked at Giles’s red, gin-soaked face and listened to his slurred gabble for a few moments. He could do with a win. The bank was on his back ever so politely and he’d had a card refused at The Ritz the other day. Very embarrassing, as he’d been with the senior partner of the practice at the time. Giles had more money than sense and at the moment looked to be pissed as a fart. Easy money. Perhaps Lauren might still be on shift later… Then he thought better of it. He was being ridiculous, self-indulgent. Holly was everything to him; she was carrying his children and soon they would be a happy little family. Something he’d never really been a part of. Next to his wife, the Laurens of the world were ten a penny. Simon glanced over at her and she gave him a slow, sexy smile. He smiled back, but that was all she was getting from him. Simon followed Giles to the poker table.

A few hours later, he’d stopped smiling.

Chapter Three

Paddling in the Atlantic in late March is not something I would go in for normally, but Demi’s enthusiasm won’t let me sit on the dunes huddled in my duffle coat. A duffle coat and a blanket, to be exact, because my coat will no longer fasten over my bump. So here I am, ankle deep in the surf and actually loving it. The biting cold has subsided and it feels almost warm.

‘So refreshing, isn’t it?’ Demi asks, rolling up the hem of her jeans, which are already damp.

‘Actually, yes it is. Makes you feel alive and connected to nature,’ I say, looking at a fishing boat, a red splash on the horizon.

‘It does; told you it would do you good. Wash all that city pollution out of your skin.’

Talk of the city brings an image of my husband’s disgruntled face to mind, soft grey eyes steely with contempt. He wasn’t best pleased the other night when I told him I wanted to stay until tomorrow. I don’t normally go against his wishes, but I’m just not ready to go back yet. I think it might be that I am at the nesting stage, and nests are built at home. I never think of London as my home, but I’d never tell Simon that of course. Also, I wanted to spend another day with my bestie. It’s been far too long… and I am happier being here with her than I have been in a long time, if I’m honest with myself. I don’t usually allow that – honesty. It’s no good for me.

‘You okay?’ Demi asks and splashes a few droplets of seawater at me. I raise a quizzical eyebrow. ‘Well, you look kind of far away.’

‘I was back in London, so yes, I was.’

Demi frowns. ‘Hmm. We can’t have that, can we? Right, first one back to the beach chairs eats all the Scotch eggs and sandwiches!’ She takes off like a hare towards the dunes, sending her laughter back to taunt me.

‘Hey, that’s not fair! I have a lot to carry, you know!’

The sea air gives me an appetite and before I know it there’s just a few crumbs left at the bottom of the sandwich container. With a sigh I lean back in my beach chair, stretch out my long legs, rest my feet on a rock and sip my tea. This is the life. Contentment builds a home in my chest and seeps through the rest of me until I am truly relaxed. Any thought of a return to London is absolutely banished to the darkest recesses of my mind, and all I can see is sunshine, sea and sky. Oh, and Demi’s daft grin as she brings her face close to mine.

‘You look so much better for being out in the elements.’

I laugh. ‘You make it sound as if we’re on the top of Mount Everest or something.’

‘Well, you do have a mountain for a tummy these days.’

We laugh and I pretend to strangle her. Then we do synchronised tea sipping for a while in a comfortable silence.

‘Do you ever think about Jowan?’ Demi asks in a quiet voice and the silence turns uncomfortable as I struggle for an answer. Why the hell did she have to spoil the day with that?

I sigh. ‘Why do you ask?’

‘Just wondering… childhood sweethearts do tend to have a special place in a girl’s heart, I hear.’ She digs her toes into the sand and looks away from me up the beach.

‘Sometimes, I guess. But he smashed up that special place when he buggered off and left me for the army.’

‘That’s why you went to London, isn’t it – to heal your heart and forget him?’

‘You know it is.’ Why the hell she’s bringing this up, I have no idea.

‘Hmm.’

‘Hmm, what?’

‘So if he hadn’t gone in the army, do you reckon you’d be together now?’

Oh, for God’s sake. ‘How do I know? Yes. No.’ I lift my arms and let my hands fall to my thighs with a slap. ‘Who bloody knows!’

‘You seem to be getting a bit pissed off… a sure sign you still have feelings for him,’ Demi says, scrutinising my face.

‘That’s rubbish. I just can’t see the point in bringing all that up now. It’s ancient history.’ I bite the inside of my cheek to dislodge an image of Jowan’s smiley face, mop of blond curls and sky-blue eyes.

‘Four years ago is hardly ancient.’ Demi gives a wistful smile and puts her hand on my arm. ‘I guess he’s on my mind because he’s back. Saw him in the bank yesterday actually.’

Jowan’s back? To my surprise my stomach does the little roll of excitement it used to do when I thought of him. My heart rate steps up a pace too, but I take a breath and make my voice behave itself. ‘He was visiting his family then? Home on leave?’

‘No, he’s bought himself out of the army. He said it was the worst mistake of his life; just did it to prove himself to his dad and wished to God that he could turn back time.’

I can feel Demi’s eyes on me, so I send my gaze to the thin navy line that divides sea from sky. A flurry of unbidden thoughts are coming from different directions, smashing into each other, past and present, a tumult of emotions mirroring the pattern of waves bashing against the rocks in front of me. Eventually I say, ‘Well, don’t we all wish we could go back sometimes? Do things a different way? A better way?’

Demi nods. ‘He said that he misses you every day and wishes you were still together. Said he was a fucking idiot to leave you.’

I look at her to see if she is messing about but she’s deadly serious. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah. He knew you’d moved away, of course. Your mum told his mum that you were married. He didn’t know about the babies though – I told him. He said that I should tell you he’s glad for you and wishes you all the happiness in the world.’

The breeze picks up and I look into it and away from Demi to let the moisture dry my eyes. The trouble is, more tears are waiting. I don’t need this. Not now. I can’t think about Jowan. My heart can’t take it.

‘Holly? Are you crying?’

‘No, of course not,’ I say briskly and begin to gather the picnic things. ‘The wind is making my eyes water. Let’s go back to the house now. I’m getting chilly.’

‘Hot chocolate is just the thing for shock,’ Demi says and places a steaming mug in front of me on the balcony table. The clouds have rolled themselves across every inch of blue sky and we are wrapped in blankets, eating biscuits and watching the brave souls still on the beach.

‘I think you’ll find that’s hot, sweet tea. And I’m not in shock.’

Demi looks into her mug. Hot, sweet tea? No, it’s definitely hot chocolate.’

‘I meant that…’ The mischief in her eyes stop my words. It’s usually me that does the winding up.

She points a digestive at me and then dunks it into the mug. ‘Got you there. Makes a change.’

‘Yep. So how’s the jewellery business going? You haven’t said much about it.’

‘Really unsubtle way of changing the subject, Hols.’

I sigh. Demi is really beginning to get on my nerves now. ‘Unsubtle or not, I’d really rather talk about your life for a bit. You said the other day that your new guy might be moving here. Any more developments?’ I take a drink of the hot chocolate and push another image of Jowan’s face from my mind.

Demi brightens and a huge smile tells me that this new guy might be ‘the guy’. ‘Well, funny you should mention that, but yes, Alex texted me last night to say he’s coming down in a few weeks to have another look round. Then he’ll make his decision. It’s a big jump to make from Edinburgh, after all.’

‘Oh, that’s great! Why didn’t you tell me earlier?’

The smile falters and she shrugs. ‘Oh, I don’t know. I suppose I didn’t want to jinx it. It was all lovely when we were working in Greece together, but I do worry it won’t last now we’re back here. I don’t have a great track record at keeping men, do I?’

‘But you never really wanted a serious relationship before, did you? You were always content doing your own thing.’

Demi twists her mouth to the side and nods. ‘Yeah, I guess so. It’s just that I don’t want to get hurt. I saw what happened to you and…’

‘Really unsubtle way of bringing the subject back to me, Dem.’ My voice is flat, weary.

She has the grace to look sheepish. ‘Righty-ho, you win. Let’s talk about me. The jewellery-making business isn’t half bad. I think tourists like the fact that I sell out of my van – they buy into the surfer-girl image and I lay it on thick too.’ Demi grins at me and I send one back.

‘Good. And Alex will be good for you; I can feel it in my water.’

Demi gestures at my bump. ‘I hope they don’t break while I’m here!’

‘Me either. You’d probably make me a mug of hot, sweet tea and run around here like a scalded cat.’ We laugh. ‘I haven’t quite decided but I think I might opt for a C-section. Simon’s colleague would do it, of course.’

‘Why not Simon?’

‘Well, it’s frowned upon really. It’s not illegal, but the medical profession thinks operating on family members is unethical. Besides, he’d be far too nervous, him being the expectant dad and all. The plan is for him to sit and hold my hand like any other dad would and leave the hard work to the others.’

‘Good idea. Five weeks to go then?’

‘Yeah, though twins normally come earlier. When I get back I’ll have a scan at Simon’s practice, just to see that everything is okay.’

‘Handy, having a private consultant for a husband.’

The disapproval in her voice rankles. Okay, growing up, Simon’s world and mine and Demi’s were oceans apart. But I live in his world now and he’s done everything he can to make me happy in it. I can’t see the point in picking a fight with her though, and stand to clear the plates. She stands too and puts her hands on my shoulders. I don’t like the serious look in her eye or the way she takes a deep breath as if she’s building up to something.

She lets out the breath and says, ‘You know, it isn’t too late to go back. I can see that living in London is killing you and Jowan said…’

‘For God’s sake!’ I brush off her hands. ‘There is no going back for me and Jowan. Look at me!’ I jab a finger at my belly. ‘I’m about to become a mother, I have a husband who loves me, and if you don’t stop all this nonsense, you and me are going to fall out big time.’

Demi’s face crumbles and she draws me to her. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, love. I don’t want to upset you, I just thought…’

I hold her at arm’s length. ‘Then please don’t. Too much thinking does no good. I’m going back to London tomorrow and everything will be okay, all right?’ I give her a little smile and hope she’ll stop now.

‘Of course. I’ll shut my big gob.’ Demi pretends to zip her lips and gives me another hug. ‘I’d hate to make you unhappy.’

We clear away and I follow her into the kitchen, wishing it wasn’t already too late for that.

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