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First published in the UK by HarperElement 2006

© Leil Lowndes 2005

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Leil Lowndes asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

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contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Preface

Section I: A Word to the Shy …

Don’t Be an Avoidance Junkie

SHYBUSTER 1 Go Cold Turkey on the Small Stuff

Don’t Expect a Miracle (Today at Least!)

Welcome

SHYBUSTER 2 Eat the Peaches at Your Own Pace

The Confidence Warm-up

SHYBUSTER 3 Wake Up Like a Whacko

Section II: Why Am I Shy?

Take the ‘Cot Test’ to See if You Were Born Shy

SHYBUSTER 4 Ask Them if You Freaked Out

Did I ‘Catch’ a Dose of Shyness?

SHYBUSTER 5 Rummage Through Your Relatives

SHYBUSTER 6 Did Shyness Rub Off On You?

Was it Bullies in Bygone Days?

SHYBUSTER 7 Replay the Early Show

It Was All Mum and Dad’s Fault

SHYBUSTER 8 Don’t Baby Your Baby

So Who Ya Gonna Blame?

Section III: Dealing with People Until Your Shyness Is Gone

Should I Tell People I’m Shy?

SHYBUSTER 9 Why Tell Strangers?

Labels Are Lethal

SHYBUSTER 10 Don’t Burn Yourself with the ‘Shy’ Branding Iron

Tell the Truth, the Half-truth, and Nothing But the Half-truth

SHYBUSTER 11 I’m Shy, So What?

Section IV: What People Really Think of You

Can People Tell I’m Shy?

SHYBUSTER 12 Be Shy on the Sly

Take Off Your Mud-coloured Spectacles

SHYBUSTER 13 Pitch the Paranoia

Don’t Be a Sucker for Rejection

SHYBUSTER 14 Don’t Choose Toxic Friends

Come Back Down Off the Ceiling

SHYBUSTER 15 Stamp Out the Surreal

Think of Your Shyness from Their Perspective

SHYBUSTER 16 Don’t Let Stupid Sures Make You Shy

Slay the Monster Memories

SHYBUSTER 17 Be Your Own Social Scribe

I Think I’m Beginning to Love You, Self

SHYBUSTER 18 Find Your Passion and Your Purpose

Section V: Getting Out of the Kitchen

A Shy’s Most Important 10 Seconds

SHYBUSTER 19 Click on ‘Animate’ for 10 Seconds

Who’s the Boss? Your Mind or Body?

SHYBUSTER 20 Let Your Body Be the Boss

How to Make Eye-contact Easy

SHYBUSTER 21 Infant Eyes

SHYBUSTER 22 Octogenarian Eyes

SHYBUSTER 23 Eager Eyes

SHYBUSTER 24 Say ‘I Like You’ Silently

A Quick Smile and a Slow Jet Get You Nowhere Fast

SHYBUSTER 25 Make Faces at Yourself

For the Want of a Smile

SHYBUSTER 26 A Lifetime of Happiness Was Lost

Snobs Don’t Smile Either

SHYBUSTER 27 Don’t Let Them Feel Snubbed

If at First You Don’t Succeed, Swear!

SHYBUSTER 28 Your First Failure Is Success

Battling Blushing, Sweating and Clammy Hands

SHYBUSTER 29 Laugh It Off Before It Happens

Section VI: Absolutely No-Pain, Lots-of-Gain Techniques

The Power and Pleasure of Anonymity

The Out-of-town Caper

SHYBUSTER 30 Be Anonymous for a Day

SHYBUSTER 31 Be an Undercover Shy

Dress as Your Fantasy Person

SHYBUSTER 32 Kick Out the Dull Kit

Fries with That?

SHYBUSTER 33 Be a Part-time Job-hopper

Section VII: Get a (New) Life

Something to Consider

SHYBUSTER 34 Time to Jump Ship?

The Shy’s Sneaky Way to Get a Super Job

SHYBUSTER 35 Interview with Companies You Don’t Want to Work For

Section VIII: Parties and Other Places in Hell

Building Up to Bashes

SHYBUSTER 36 Prescription: One Small Dose of Party

Going to a Party Is Not ‘Going to a Party’

SHYBUSTER 37 Have a Buddy Monitor You

SHYBUSTER 38 Showing Up Is Not Enough

Preparing for a Party

SHYBUSTER 39 Ponder Before the Party

SHYBUSTER 40 Get Opinionated!

Getting Legless Is Not the Answer

SHYBUSTER 41 Drink and Drugs Make Shyness Worse

How to Get Off the Hook (Half the Time)

SHYBUSTER 42 Toss a Coin

The Danger of Being a ‘Denying Shy’

SHYBUSTER 43 Bring a Note from Your Subconscious

Section IX: Fearless Conversation

Terrified of Being Trite?

SHYBUSTER 44 Be Banal, But Not Brief

SHYBUSTER 45 Sound Dazzled Over the Dullest Things

SHYBUSTER 46 Use Their Moniker in Moderation

What Do I Say Next?

SHYBUSTER 47 Ask ‘Go On’ Questions

The Proven Eye-contact Cure

SHYBUSTER 48 The Eyeball Lock

SHYBUSTER 49 Looking Longer Looks Smart

SHYBUSTER 50 Lingering Looks Kindle ‘Chemistry’

Chameleons Should Choose Their Colours Carefully

SHYBUSTER 51 A Little Shove from a Non-Shy Friend

Become an Expert – on Anything!

SHYBUSTER 52 Find Others Who Share Your Passion

How to Answer the Inevitable Question

SHYBUSTER 53 Rehearse Your Mini-CV

Nobody Expects You to Perform

SHYBUSTER 54 Look, Nod, Smile

Passion Slays Shyness

SHYBUSTER 55 Stamp Out Shyness with Your Particular Passion

Section X: Sure-fire Extinguishers for Shyness

A Dare a Day Drives Shyness Away

SHYBUSTER 56 Do Your Daily Dare

Make Shopping a Valuable Part of SOS

SHYBUSTER 57 Inspect Six, Buy One

A Little Help from Man’s Best Friend

SHYBUSTER 58 Attention-getter on a Leash

Social Blooper Remedy

SHYBUSTER 59 Make a Mental Movie of Your Cool Moves

SHYBUSTER 60 What the Manners Mavens Say

Take a Bite Out of Shyness for Lunch

SHYBUSTER 61 Eat Your Shyness

Download Confidence into Your Eardrums

SHYBUSTER 62 Listen to the Voices in Your Head

Section XI: Sex and the Single Shy

There Are No Love ‘Guarantees’

A Dangerous Dating Game for Shys

SHYBUSTER 63 Computer Dating Is a Sure’s Game

Oversexed or Underconfident?

SHYBUSTER 64 Don’t Get Caught in the Sex/Love Trap

Being Shy and Gay Is Lonely

Relationship Rehearsals

The Lovin’ Is Easy. It’s Getting There That’s Hard

Shall I Put on a Big Act?

SHYBUSTER 65 Act Your Way to Confidence

Section XII: Shy No More

Graduation Day

SHYBUSTER 66 Give Yourself a Graduation Party

Keep Reading

Notes

More Self-knowledge Questions

References

Acknowledgements

Other Books By

About the Publisher

“ I used to be very shy. I couldn’t look people in the face and became red. I was embarrassed and used to sweat in front of others. Due to low self-esteem and ‘slow’ self-image, I used to feel inferior to others. But then one day I began to question things. I realized that nobody is better than me. Who told me I’m no good? I realized that the people who make me feel that way are not in that credible or successful a position themselves. So why would I believe what these people say about me? They were not qualified to make such comments.”

TONY V. – SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

preface

Think back to your grandparents’ times, when ‘on-line dating’ was a twinkle in some yet-unborn techie’s eyes, and the words ‘pick up’ meant ‘get your socks off the floor.’ If Grandma was always in the kitchen at parties, and Grandpa hid out in the bedroom memorizing guests’ coat labels, you wouldn’t be here.

Things haven’t changed much for those of us who are shy. Well-meaning friends and family still say, ‘C’mon, just force yourself to … go to the party/ask her for a date/talk to him/request a pay rise/join the conversation/speak up at the meeting …’

Don’t they know how hard it is? The anxiety? The wanting to be invisible? The fear you’ll say something stupid? The sparkling conversations in your head that you don’t have the courage to start? Yet you know you have a lot to offer, and if you could just make eye-contact, speak up and stop hiding out in the kitchen at parties, everything would be OK, and you could get on with your life.

When I was a kid, I had all the usual questions, ‘Why is the sky blue?’ ‘Did Eve have a belly button?’ ‘What was the best thing before sliced bread?’

But ‘Why am I shy?’ wasn’t one of them. I didn’t care why. I just wanted a quick cure. However, as a recovered shy, I now realize origins are important. They give you a realistic picture of yourself, what to expect, and how to go about it.

I’ve heard Shys speculate …

‘It must have been Mum and Dad’s fault.’

‘Nah, it was those nasty kids in the neighbourhood who called me names.’

‘I think it’s genetic.’

Actually it can be all of the above. You will discover there are several basic types of Shy. You are either a ‘Highly Sensitive Shy’ (HSS) who was born with a proclivity towards timidity, or a ‘Situational Shy’ whose parents and youthful experiences deeply affected you. You could be a little bit of both. Each must have different goals, and each can expect different, but remarkable, results.

The 1940s gave us a gift which saved millions of lives. It is called penicillin. Recent years have given us a gift which can save millions the agony of shyness, which is often called ‘Social Anxiety Disorder’. It is not a drug, but it is a formula. It derives from studies on shyness conducted by pioneering researchers in sociology, psychiatry, genetics, biology, physiology and pharmacology. It sounds complicated but I’ve distilled it down to 66 SHYBUSTERs to cure or curtail your shyness.

I know first-hand how excruciating it is. I used to stand on the sidelines at parties wishing my dress matched the wallpaper to make me invisible. Well into my working years, my face turned into a radish whenever I talked to strangers.

I wish I’d had this book then. I am gratified I can provide it for you now.

A few notes before you start: First, read sequentially through the book so you will understand the significance of each SHYBUSTER. Then, depending on which are most challenging for you personally, you choose the order – easiest to most difficult of course.

Each SHYBUSTER is substantiated by the findings of sociologists and both medical and mental health professionals. If you’d like more information you can go to the original sources, which are referenced in the back of the book. Shyness research is almost synonymous with the names Zimbardo, Carducci, Kagan and a few others. I am grateful to them, and you will find their names many times in the notes.

The stories come from my own stinging shyness and those of Shys I’ve known. Others come from attendees at my shyness seminars. At first I felt inviting people to a ‘Shyness Seminar’ would be like telling participants at a ‘Fear of Tigers’ seminar to meet at the tiger’s cage at the zoo. Happily, however, Shys did come and they shared their experiences openly.

I asked them to e-mail me their triumphs and tribulations so you can read them in their own words. You will also find excerpts from letters that readers of my other books and monthly E-Zine have sent me. At the end of the book there is a list of the first names of those who contributed. Some contributors requested anonymity – substitute names are marked with an asterisk.

If you take time to practise each SHYBUSTER, you’ll soar away from shyness like a butterfly flees its caterpillar prison. I know, because I went from a hermit-teen who was terrified of people to a self-assured woman who now lectures around the country, does media interviews and feels comfortable at any gathering. If these SHYBUSTERs worked for a girl who was shy around her own shadow, they will definitely work for you!

“ Shyness is a curse. Shyness makes me feel like I am an unwanted guest in everyone else’s world. Shyness is the worst personality trait of all, without a doubt. I would rather be obnoxious and boorish than shy. Obnoxious and boorish people don’t seem to be too bothered by being obnoxious and boorish at least.”

TONY V. – SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA

section I

don’t be an avoidance junkie
Hooked on ‘Hide and Seek’

Have you ever dodged anyone just to avoid making smalltalk? All Shys have. If I saw an acquaintance coming towards me, I’d cross the street and pray he or she didn’t see me. If there were a shop nearby, I’d dart into it until the coast was clear.

Some people say they’ve had an epiphany at the top of a Himalayan mountain or in a temple in India. Mine was walking along the street. I was window-shopping one Saturday morning when I was a nursery school teacher in Washington DC.

At one point I spotted a fellow teacher strolling towards me. Since I found Mr Fuller quite attractive, the thought of chatting with him was terrifying. In a panic, I dashed into the doorway of the shop I was passing.

I thought I was safe until I heard his voice behind me, ‘Miss Lowndes, what are you doing here?’ I was trapped like a fly under a glass. I pivoted slowly to venture a weak ‘Hello’ and, as I was turning, I saw what kind of shop I’d taken refuge in. It was a triple-X-rated boutique of ‘adult toys’. When I finally mustered the courage to look at his face, Mr Fuller was sporting an enormous grin.

He winked at me and said, ‘Was there anything in particular you were looking for, Miss Lowndes?’ I bolted past him out the door, dashed down the street, and dove into a ‘respectable’ shop to sidestep him.

Needless to say, after that fiasco I never again made eye-contact with Mr Fuller. However, whenever we passed in the hall he’d say ‘Good morning, Miss Lowndes’ in a curiously salacious voice for a second-grade teacher.

Hearing his snide voice filled me with fury, not against Mr Fuller, but against my shyness. I declared war on it and was determined to win.

“ Whenever I avoided anyone on the street, it was a mental relief. I felt good because they didn’t see me. I said to myself, ‘OK, I won’t do it next time.’ But I always did.”

AMANDA – LONDON, ENGLAND

Getting ‘High’ on Avoidance

When ‘Socially Avoidant’ people evade someone, it is more insidious than just a mental relief. It’s not ‘just mental’, any more than taking heroin is just mental. It’s physiological. You are actually getting a ‘high’ from the physical feeling, and it’s harder to resist the next time.

For individuals with Socially Avoidant Personality, anxiety subsides following an avoidant response, thus reinforcing and escalating the avoidant response.1

SHYBUSTER 1:

Go Cold Turkey on the Small Stuff

Avoiding situations is an addictive drug. Right after, you get a mental high: Whew, I escaped that one! But it makes it all the harder because you crave that relief again and again. You dig a deeper rabbit hole that’s harder to scurry out of each time. And, like an addict, you start to hate yourself for being so weak.

Start rehab now! Go cold turkey on dodging small encounters.

“ Walking in the street and seeing someone approach from the front can be another terrifying experience. What helps is simply to greet the person in passing – a simple smile, nod of the head and a ‘Hi’ does wonders to break the awkwardness, and even builds a little confidence (‘Wow, I said “Hi” and nothing bad happened, and he/she actually smiled back!’).”

KOOS Z. – PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA

don’t expect a miracle (today at least!)
TV Show: ‘Fearful People Are Freaks’

Once while channel-surfing I got caught up in an ugly wave. I fell into one of those television talk shows, or rather circuses, where people who suffer from an assortment of afflictions are on display. This particular programme prefers people plagued with mental and/or physical disorders. The heartless host feigns compassion. He has an insatiable appetite for bizarre family relationships, strange sexual tastes and other eccentric infirmities. While tearful guests bare their souls to millions of viewers, the studio audience hoots and hollers, egging them on to even more humiliation.

‘Ralph is afraid of peaches,’ the host gleefully announces.

‘Ooh,’ the audience chants.

‘He can’t come near them.’

‘Ooh,’ the audience chants louder. Then, a basket of peaches appears on a big screen behind Ralph. The host points up at it. Ralph turns, swears (bleeped out), screams and jumps up. His 270 pounds of sheer terror races down the studio hall, followed, of course, by the camera crew.

Hysterical laughter from the audience.

Ralph, covered by three cameras, cowers in the corner backstage. At the host’s goading, the audience begins chanting, ‘Ralph come back. Ralph come back.’ Ralph, still shaking, staggers back on the set.

The crowd applauds.

While winking at the audience the host asks Ralph, ‘Why don’t you like peaches?’

‘They’re fuzzy, they’re slimy.’ Then almost inaudibly, he mutters something about a girlfriend who had peach shampoo.

At that moment, two voluptuous women bring in two big baskets of peaches.

The audience’s gleeful crescendo is ‘Uh oh, he’s in big trouble now.’ At the sight of the peaches, the spectators are treated to a repeat performance from Ralph. This time he runs through the audience. They tackle him and succeed in pulling his pants down, which only adds to the ridiculousness of the spectacle. The camera catches the rear view of Ralph crawling away from the taunting audience, on all fours, his trousers around his knees.

Ralph once again crouches in the foetal position in a corner of the studio wings. The host follows and sneers, ‘Do you know what you are now? A 6-foot tall, 270-pound man cowering in the corner?’

Mercifully for me, just then my phone rang.

Phobia Coach Cures Acrophobia to Zoophobia. Success Guaranteed. Walk-ins Welcome

When I came back 15 minutes later, Ralph was happily holding a ripe peach in his hands. With a big smile he brought it to his lips.

The camera cuts to a self-described ‘phobia life coach’ and ‘therapist’ sitting paternally beside Ralph. He explains to a gullible audience that he cured Ralph by gradual exposure and he will never fear peaches again.

The screen fades to black and advertises for a future guest: ‘Do you have a child under the age of 13 who weighs over 300 pounds and is constantly teased and tormented?’ Contact us at …

welcome
Right Idea, Wrong Timing

Have you ever seen a nature film where a tiny flower bud grows taller in a few seconds? Two seconds later, it sprouts leaves. Another five seconds and exquisite petals open to receive the sunlight. The filming itself could have taken weeks. But we view the spectacle of nature in fewer than 30 seconds.

If Ralph’s host were a horticulturist rather than an emcee of debauched demonstrations, he would try to convince us that the flower buds actually blossomed in seconds.

For Ralph, it was the right idea, but the wrong timing. Gradually exposing someone to a feared object or situation definitely works – but not in an hour-long show. Mental health professionals call it ‘Graduated Exposure Therapy’. We’ll call it ‘GET’ for short.

With successful exposure, social situations no longer cue danger-based interpretation and anxiety.1

Easy Does It

Dr Bernardo Carducci, a highly respected therapist who has researched shyness for 25 years, tells of a patient called Margaret who was so petrified of spiders, she couldn’t walk anywhere except on a wide pavement.² Her fear of spiders didn’t permit her to enter any building but her own home.

The therapist treated Margaret with Graduated Exposure Therapy. First he asked Margaret simply to write the word ‘spider’ repeatedly. Her next task, probably weeks later, was to look at pictures of spiders in a book. It was a giant step, and probably a long time later, when she was able to view spider in a glass box across the room. Ever so gradually, Margaret could come closer to the little critter in the box.

As her final victory, Margaret sat comfortably in a room with a spider crawling along the arm of her chair.

But this was no hour-long TV show. By the end of the first hour, Margaret was still trying to hold her pen steady while she wrote the word ‘spider.’ Film coverage of Margaret’s phobia and eventual cure would have made a rather humdrum TV show lasting probably several months. But at least it would be real.

Gradual exposure guides patients to confront feared situations and allows their fear to dissipate naturally. They interpret it accurately and gain essential skills. Patients gain a sense of safety through not prematurely escaping from, or avoiding social situations.3

Many Shys fail to shed their shyness because they think they have to force themselves to ‘just do it.’ They feel they need to accomplish the impossible, like winking at Mr Wonderful today or asking Ms Drop-Dead Gorgeous for a date tomorrow. Or swaggering into the boss’ office and demanding a pay rise. Therapists would call this technique ‘flooding’.⁴ But who wants to drown? Just dip your big toe in first and go for the proven cure: Graduated Exposure Therapy.

“ Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.”

MARK TWAIN

SHYBUSTER 2:

Eat the Peaches at Your Own Pace

Your cure may be faster or slower than Margaret’s. You won’t have to sit down and write the word ‘party’ 100 times. Nor will I ask you to strut into a big bash tomorrow night. You will go at your own pace. But at least you know you’re not swallowing snake-oil.

The Magic Combo to Kill Shyness

Some Shys think that gradually exposing themselves to scary situations isn’t really the way to get over shyness. It’s only natural to rationalize your way out of something you don’t want to do. But it’s an open and shut case. Hundreds, no, thousands of studies have proven it. The most effective way to get over being shy is to plan personalized exposure situations. Always in the Kitchen at Parties will help you do this. Using these exposure techniques while learning social skills is the magic combo for stamping out shyness.

Social Anxiety Disorder subjects receiving combination treatment of graduated exposure to fear-provoking situations and learning other-focused social skills improved significantly more on measures of community functioning and therapist ratings than did subjects with any other treatments.2

I’m sure many people have told you, ‘You’ll just grow out of it’. Are they right? Think about it this way. Simply by living on this earth, you are exposed to more and more situations as the years go by. And, naturally, you pick up social skills along the way. So, in a way they are right.

But who wants to wait years to shed their shyness? Jump in now. With the help of Always in the Kitchen at Parties, you can start your graduated exposure process immediately. You’ll knock years off your suffering.

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