COPYRIGHT

The information provided in this book is for educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment that can be provided by your own medical or mental health provider. Neither the authors nor the publisher are providing health care, medical or mental health services, or attempting to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure in any manner any physical, mental or emotional issue, disease or condition. If you have or suspect that you have a medical or mental health problem, contact your medical or mental health provider promptly. Also, before beginning any physical activity suggested in or inspired by this book, it is recommended that you seek medical advice from your personal physician.

Thorsons

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2017, 2018

SECOND EDITION

© Gillian Anderson and Jennifer Nadel 2017, 2018

Gillian Anderson and Jennifer Nadel assert the moral right to be identified as the authors of this work

While every effort has been made to trace the owners of copyright material reproduced herein and secure permissions, the publishers would like to apologise for any omissions and will be pleased to incorporate missing acknowledgements in any future edition of this book.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

Find out about HarperCollins and the environment at

www.harpercollins.co.uk/green

Source ISBN: 9780008241933

Ebook Edition © Match 2017 ISBN: 9780008147945

Version: 2017-12-21

FOREWORD

Since the first edition of this book was published the need for a different way to approach all areas of our lives has become even more evident and urgent.

In our own home countries, Britain and America, we’ve seen intolerance and bigotry endorsed at the ballot box. There has been an increase in levels of fear and uncertainty not just for ourselves and our communities, but also for the future of our planet.

There is another, better way of doing things. The principles and tools in this book lay out a blueprint for positive change – both for us as individuals and for the world that we all inhabit.

Please read, enjoy and share with other women. Together – joyfully, lovingly and with compassion – we can make change happen.

AN INVITATION TO YOU

‘Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?’

MARY OLIVER

At some point in our lives, most of us feel the gentle calling of our soul. Sometimes it’s so quiet we can barely hear it – a soft tapping. No louder than a leaf falling from a tree.

We may imagine we didn’t hear it. Or perhaps it is louder and takes the form of a persistent ache, a nagging sense that there is something missing. ‘Is this it?’ we wonder when we wake in the dead of night or find ourselves caught in the treadmill of our daily grind.

It may be a hint of loneliness that endures even in the company of friends. Or a sense of injustice and a desire to change things that feels urgent and necessary, but also hopeless before it even begins.

Perhaps our heart tells us there is a better way of living, that we need to stop ignoring what really matters – the suffering of others and our planet’s future – but our head insists we’re naïve and tells us to knuckle down and get on with our lives as they are.

For others the call may take the form of a crisis – a break-up or breakdown, a betrayal or loss. Or perhaps it’s addiction, depression or another serious illness.

However it comes, it is an invitation to take a journey. You may resist. Many of us have resisted it for years, even decades. Ultimately it’s your choice. But it will wait for you patiently, tapping daily or every so often in small and big ways to remind you that, in truth, you can’t avoid it if you truly want to live a meaningful life.

If you’ve heard that call, this book is for you. It’s for women who want happiness and meaning. It will guide you towards inner peace and provide the power to help transform the world in which we all live.

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Foreword

An Invitation to You

The Journey

Why Now?

How WE Works

Why We Wrote WE

WE’s Vision

PART 1: The Essentials

Getting Started

ESSENTIAL PRACTICE 1

GRATITUDE: A mind-altering Substance

ESSENTIAL PRACTICE 2

GENTLENESS: Changing the Messages We Give Ourselves

ESSENTIAL PRACTICE 3

RESPONSIBILITY: Taking Care of Ourselves

ESSENTIAL PRACTICE 4

MEDITATION: Creating a Safe Space

A Note on Addiction

PART 2: The Nine Principles

The Path Ahead

PRINCIPLE 1

HONESTY: Getting Real

PRINCIPLE 2

ACCEPTANCE: Making Friends with What Is

PRINCIPLE 3

COURAGE: Ending the Victim Trap

PRINCIPLE 4

TRUST: Living Without Fear

PRINCIPLE 5

HUMILITY: Unmasking Our Ego

PRINCIPLE 6

PEACE: Ending the Conflict Within

PRINCIPLE 7

LOVE: Transforming Relationships

PRINCIPLE 8

JOY: Living Fully

PRINCIPLE 9

KINDNESS: Love in Action

PART 3: The Manifesto

Manifesto

A World in Need of Love

The Nine Principles at a Glance

Resources

Endnotes

Acknowledgements

Index

About the Authors

About the Publishers

THE JOURNEY

‘Take courage, join hands, stand beside us.’

CHRISTABEL PANKHURST

WE is a journey based on nine principles that have been taught by sages and saints throughout the ages and they have the power to transform your life and the world around you.

It isn’t a lifestyle choice to be bolted onto our normal ‘me-centred’ way of living; it’s a path of radical transformation that puts compassion for the world at its core.

Use this book both as a guide and a source of inspiration. If you’re hurting, it will help you heal. If you’re lost, it will steer you home. If you’re searching for a purpose, it will gently lead you towards fulfilment.

We arrive in this world without instruction manuals and we grow up without an emotional toolkit. So it’s easy to lose our way.

As we go through life we amass emotional scar tissue from the knocks that we inevitably take. We become like electrical circuit boards that have got so clogged up by the silt of life that we can no longer connect with ourselves and our core beliefs, let alone with the world beyond.

All of us start out in life with a strong internal value system – a sense of what’s right and wrong and what’s fair and what’s unjust. But then life intervenes. In the cold light of reality our ideals can quickly seem naïve, unrealistic and untenable. However strong and heartfelt our intentions, it’s hard to give effect to our beliefs when we’re struggling, stressed or in emotional pain.

Before long we’ve abandoned those values in favour of the rules we’re taught by the world. Succeed, compete and accumulate. Deep down we feel conflicted, but at the end of the day we each have to get by, don’t we?

A gulf emerges between the values we choose for our personal lives and those we live by in the world at large. In our homes and families we believe in sharing and making sure everyone’s OK. But once we step outside our front door the rules change. The common good is replaced with the quest for personal success. Within seconds we dissolves into me and we’re elbowing each other out of the way in the race to get to the finishing line. Only, of course, there isn’t one – just a horizon that moves further away the closer we get.

The Nine Principles in this book have the power to heal our wounds and return us to our centre. As you learn to apply them to your life one by one, you will be taken on a journey from me to WE. Loneliness will evaporate. You will discover a sense of purpose and you will be freed – freed to live a life that is authentic, happy and meaningful.

WHY NOW?

‘Politics hates a vacuum. If it isn’t filled with hope, someone will fill it with fear.’

NAOMI KLEIN

Our current way of doing things – the ‘me culture’ – isn’t working.

The world we all share is more divided and unequal than ever.

Rates of anxiety, depression and self-harm among women are rocketing. And the hard-fought-for rights that we, as women, thought we’d finally won are once again under renewed attack.

Nearly 800 million people live in hunger and yet those with plenty battle with obesity and depression.

Every minute one woman dies needlessly in childbirth, while elsewhere in the world another woman spends thousands on cosmetic surgery because she isn’t able to feel comfortable with how she’s ageing.

Violence against women is rising, yet at the same time refuge services – especially for black and minority ethnic women – are being cut.¹

The gap between rich and poor is widening, causing social division and ill health,² but instead of investment and redistribution we have cuts and austerity.

Large swathes of humanity are threatened by climate change, yet our governments fear tackling it lest they offend big business and consumers.

The list goes on and on, and every one of us knows that it’s crazy and it’s wrong.

Yet instead of joining together, we often find ourselves isolated and in competition. Trying to put a positive gloss on our lives to disguise the huge gap between how things look externally and how they feel inside. Not able to lift our eyes to the horizon and deal with the bigger issues because we each already have so much on our plate.

There is a different way of doing things. One that combines our own emotional and spiritual healing with active engagement with the world around us.

Our current political systems have failed us, but it’s not possible to heal the divisions in our world without also healing the wounds which drive them. We can’t heal our broken system by sitting in judgement. Within each of us lie the seeds of intolerance and hate. If we simply declare others wrong and ourselves right we deepen the divide. But, to remain silent is also not an option – it leaves us complicit.

This path – of necessity – involves a lot of internal work but it is work that will ultimately bring us together.

WE is a movement for change, a manifesto for a female-led revolution: a quiet, peaceful about-face that doesn’t require the consent of those in power. It just asks each of us, one woman at a time, to be the change and take the journey from me to WE.

HOW WE WORKS

‘We must not wish for the disappearance of our troubles but for the grace to transform them.’

SIMONE WEIL

WE combines spirituality, politics and psychology. We’re often taught to compartmentalize them, but they are intimately connected.

Unless we work across all three disciplines, it’s impossible to achieve lasting, sustainable change. It’s not possible to get happy without getting kind, we can’t be spiritually fulfilled without rolling up our sleeves and helping others, and we can’t help others without healing ourselves.

This is not a self-help book to enable you to get more out of life or a spiritual text to encourage you to float above your difficulties. Nor is it a lecture on how to try harder! It is an intensely practical guide to healing and activism from the heart.

Each of the Nine Principles in this book can be applied to your own life and to the world at large. Their impact is cumulative. Once you’ve completed the process, you’ll have a set of tools that will enable you to handle whatever life throws your way.

Most importantly, underpinning all WE’s principles is an ancient rule that can be found in almost every ethical, spiritual and religious tradition: the Golden Rule.

At its simplest, the Golden Rule states that we should treat each other as we would like to be treated ourselves – in other words, with love. It is a simple rule that has the power to change everything.

Our goal in taking this journey isn’t individual happiness – though that comes as a welcome by-product. It is to live in a way that is true to our inner calling. A way that is kind and just. That leads to personal fulfilment and helps other women across the planet.

WHY WE WROTE WE

‘History has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own.’

MICHELLE OBAMA

This book doesn’t come from lofty heights. It comes from two friends who have stumbled along together, trying, failing, crying, laughing, learning and trying again.

It is about a set of principles that led us out of darkness, from a place where both of us were in despair, into a way of life that has meaning and purpose.

We discovered the hard way that no amount of external success could fix how we felt on the inside. The more we had, the more we felt we needed to get. No matter what we achieved, it didn’t make us happy. It made us feel guilty that even with the gifts and luck we’d been given, we couldn’t seem to make life work.

In the end we’d both become dependent on a whole host of unhealthy crutches – alcohol, drugs, work, food, abusive relationships – you name it, we tried it. And at the same time we had therapy, did yoga and tried to puzzle life out.

Our crises were severe enough that we had no option but to change. To start a process of complete rebuilding. Root and branch.

We’re passionate about the Nine Principles in this book because they’ve transformed our lives. That doesn’t mean we’re happy all the time, that we handle every situation perfectly, or that we’re saints. Far from it – we are, like every one of us, perfectly imperfect. But, when we’re willing to use them, WE’s principles give us access to a peace of mind and inner freedom that we’d never even dreamed was possible.

We aren’t doctors or therapists or priests. Our principal qualification is that we handle emotional pain so badly that we’ve been forced to look for answers. For over 20 years we’ve each searched for what works. The wisdom in this book isn’t ours; it’s distilled from a myriad of teachers far wiser. We are passing it on with gratitude and in the hope that others might gain comfort and meaning from it.

When both of us started walking this path we were cynical and resistant. But now, from our own experience, we know that transformation and happiness are possible and that miracles do actually happen. Hopefully you haven’t hit as bleak a patch as we both did, but wherever your starting point, if you follow this path you will experience profound changes.

I came to the journey that is contained in this book when I was a single parent of two boys working my dream job. I was a network news correspondent who got to tell the world about the issues I cared deeply about. Then one morning I woke up and realized I couldn’t go on. I called the news desk and said I was very sorry but I couldn’t come in – not that day and, as it turned out, not ever. Unsurprisingly, my life fell apart. I was diagnosed with severe depression and burnout. I began the journey I’d been avoiding for the previous 35 years – the journey to meet myself and to find a way of living that accorded with who I really was at my deepest level. I sought help and wisdom from numerous teachers, support groups and professionals. I met friends like Gillian who were seekers also. Today I am the same person, but I am so much happier. I have meaning, I have connection, I have people that I truly love in my life. Of course, I still hit patches of pain and difficulty, but I wake up each day excited to be alive.

The journey that these Nine Principles map out doesn’t ever end. But it contains truth. Truth that I know from my own life has the power to guide us away from doubt, depression and self-hatred, and for which I’m infinitely grateful.

JN

I think I started searching for some kind of deeper meaning to my life when I was in high school, but I don’t feel like I properly put solutions into practice until I was in college. By then I had turned to so many outside sources for comfort to deal with my fear and uncertainty, my sense of loneliness, confusion and feeling misunderstood about the world and my place in it that when I started practising some of these principles the effect was dramatic and life-changing. I suddenly felt a sense of stability and grounding, personal power and purpose, and am absolutely certain that had I not had that foundation when I then achieved what turned into international career success, I would simply not have been able to deal with it. That’s not to say that I have not struggled or handled things appallingly or turned for long stretches towards unhealthy ways of coping, but what I did learn in those initial years were tools for how to handle life’s hardships better. And on a daily basis I get to choose how my life plays out. How do I deal with this rejection, this grief, this fear? With these practices in my pocket, it’s my choice.

GA

You don’t have to take our word for it. Treat this journey as if it were a scientific experiment. See what happens if you practise the principles as they are laid out. If at the end of these chapters you don’t feel better, you can always have your old life back.

The Nine Principles in this book work.

Change is possible.

There’s no need to panic or feel overwhelmed. Nothing is asked of you now, other than that you read the book and give the principles within it a try. This is not another thing to add to your to-do list. It is a gateway to an inner freedom and a peace of mind that you may not have known was possible.

You have nothing to lose but your unhappiness, and the world has everything to gain.

WE’S VISION

‘Like life, peace begins with women. We are the first to forge lines of alliance and collaboration across conflict divides.’

ZAINAB SALBI

Imagine a sisterhood – across all creeds and cultures – an unspoken agreement that we, as women, will support and encourage each other. That we won’t seek to take advantage of another’s weakness, or sit in judgement of each other’s shortcomings. That we will remember we don’t know what struggles each of us may be facing elsewhere in our lives and so we’ll assume that each of us is doing our best. That we will do the work to heal ourselves so that together we can create a more compassionate world.

www.wewomeneverywhere.org

PART 1

The Essentials

Getting Started

‘You change the world by changing yourself.’

YOKO ONO

You are at the start of a miraculous journey. The Nine Principles within these pages will change your life.

As with any expedition, before you set out you need to get prepared. The essentials in this section are vital for your well-being and will ensure you get the most out of WE’s principles.

On this journey you’ll be engaged in emotional archaeology – digging down beneath layers of hurt and protection and confronting deep emotional truths to reconnect with your true self. You’ll be dismantling the parts of yourself that no longer serve you and transforming your relationship with yourself and the world around you.

These Essential Practices will hold you steady as you do the work. The extraordinary thing about them is that they do far more than just provide you with support for the journey ahead. Each one is also a powerful agent for change in its own right.

Like the principles that follow, these practices are a distillation of what works within innumerable traditions. When they’re used together, you’ll discover that an alchemy takes place that produces astonishing changes. In fact, if all you feel ready to do right now is introduce these four healthy habits into your life, you will be amazed by the miracles that start to flow immediately.

Taking care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually is a profoundly political act. As women, many of us have been conditioned to be caretakers, to measure our worth by how much we do for others. But when we sublimate our own needs we risk ending up dependent on others and vulnerable on many levels as a result.

Martyrdom is for saints. Real women have needs and real giving comes from a place of plenty, not a place of lack. Self-denial only sets us up for failure.

Self-care is even more crucial if you have children. When we harm ourselves or neglect our needs we model that neglect and abuse are acceptable. If we want our daughters to think of themselves as worthy, we need to model self-worth. Similarly, if we want our sons to see women as strong, independent beings, we need to show them that is what we are.

Use the four Essential Practices that follow on a daily basis. They are the foundations for your new life and indispensable for the journey to come.

You’ll be amazed at how great you feel when you start giving yourself the care you’ve longed for from others.

WE’s exercises

This is an experiential process. Each chapter contains exercises that will integrate what your mind is learning with what your heart already knows. These exercises are not optional extras; they are essential to the journey you are on, so please don’t skip them. Knowing is not enough – you need to experience the principles for them to achieve their full transformative power.

The more diligent you are in completing the exercises, the greater the results you’ll see. It is better to do them hastily than not do them at all, so don’t let perfectionism creep in. From time to time you will need to write things down, so a notebook or journal will be useful. You may also want to ensure that you have a quiet place where you can work on them without being disturbed. This is a sacred process that deserves a sacred space.

You can return to any of the exercises and repeat them once you have finished working through the principles. Use them if you hit a bump in the path or if you’re feeling stuck. Each exercise works on an emotional, intellectual and spiritual level, so take advantage of them. You will get out of this journey what you put in.

Centre yourself before each exercise. Start by taking five deep breaths in and out, allowing your out-breath to last a beat longer than your in-breath to calm your nervous system. If you have the time and space, light a candle to signify the sacred nature of the work you’re undertaking. You’re doing it for you and for many. Try not to sit on the sidelines, figuring out how to understand the journey by intellectualising it – take the plunge, dive in and experience it!

WE’s affirmations

At the end of each chapter you will also find affirmations. These are antidotes to the toxic messages we give ourselves on a daily basis. Use them to ward off negativity, as you would use a medicine to prevent an infection. Repeat them to yourself as you go through the day, knowing that each time you say them you are gradually moving away from self-harm and towards self-care and self-love.

Essential Practice 1

GRATITUDE:

A Mind-altering Substance

‘When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in.’

KRISTIN ARMSTRONG

Gratitude has the power to transform everything: our perceptions, our experiences and our state of mind.

A lot of us come to this journey with a mountain of disappointments and hurts. Feeling grateful may be the last thing you want when you’re unhappy, when you’re full of all the things you haven’t got, and all the things that have gone wrong. But – however low, angry or despondent you feel – you will start to feel the benefits of gratitude as soon as you allow this tool into your life.

A warning: like many of WE’s tools, gratitude may sound simple – way too simple and perhaps not quite complex enough for our sophisticated female brains. Don’t be deceived. Remember those connect-the-dot books you had when you were little, where you joined numbered dots together and a picture emerged? This is what we do every day of our lives: we join up events and assign them meaning so that we can interpret the world.

The problem is that very often we join up the wrong dots. As we go through life, many of us notice all the things that seem to go wrong rather than the things that are going right. We focus on the times we haven’t got what we wanted, when life has disappointed us, when we may have been ignored or slighted in some way. Like fortune-tellers, who are only capable of negative conclusions, we examine the tea leaves of our life and decide that life is unfair, that we’re just not destined to be happy, that we don’t have the good luck others seem to enjoy.

Not surprisingly, if you join up these dots, you end up with a depressing picture.

But stop right there. From this moment forward you are going to try a different approach.

‘I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness – it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practising gratitude.’

BRENÉ BROWN

EXERCISE: Daily Miracles

This exercise will begin a mind-altering process by showing you how to put the practice of gratitude into your daily life. Make yourself comfortable and close your eyes. Breathe in and out five times, as described here, until you feel centered and settled.

Take up your journal and write down ten things in your life right now that you’re grateful for. They can be as small or as big as you like. Notice if your mind leaps in and lodges an objection. It may claim that it can’t find anything at all to be thankful for, or it may want to remind you of all the disappointments, trials and losses you are experiencing.

Like a miner panning for gold, try to pick your way through the silt and mud that your mind kicks up to find the treasure that rests in its midst. Keep looking until you find something – anything at all – that you can be grateful for. Perhaps it’s that you’ve got a roof over your head or you have eyes to see your children with. Or perhaps it’s that you started your day with a warm cup of tea and have something to eat in your cupboard. The items on your list don’t need to be any more complicated than that. In fact, the most basic things are often the most powerful. Imagine what life would be like if you didn’t have them.

Your list might also include some of the simple daily events that we so often overlook because we take them for granted – yet if they were suddenly to disappear we’d be lost.

Keep writing until you’ve got ten. If you’ve got more than ten, that’s great too – you can keep writing until the flow naturally stops. Now read it back to yourself, or, for maximum effect, read it aloud and say, ‘Thank you for …’ each item on the list. It will likely feel awkward at the beginning, but the more often you do it, the easier it will get.

Gratitude lists will become a staple of your new life. We suggest writing a list daily while working through the remaining chapters. After that, it’s up to you, but it’s very possible you won’t want to stop.

What you’ll discover is that as you list the many little things for which you’re grateful, the picture you have of your life starts to change. Behind the gloom, a more positive image starts to emerge. One that is tender and full of wonder. One that existed the whole time, just beneath the surface. We’re not deceiving ourselves; we’re simply joining a different set of dots.

‘Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.’

MELODY BEATTIE

Gratitude is infectious. It creates its own virtuous circle. The more grateful you feel, the more you’ll have to be grateful for. Knowing that you’ll need to come up with a list of positive experiences each day means you’ll start to become more aware of them. When you’re on the lookout, miraculously they start to appear far more often.

It is as if your mind is a magnifying glass expanding whatever you choose to focus on. Suddenly you become aware of sources of gratitude that you’ve never noticed before. A fellow train passenger’s smile; the friend who’s agreed to mind your child for an hour to give you a much-needed break; the first shoots of spring pushing their way through the cold earth; the warmth of the bathwater we sink into at the end of a tiring day.

‘Thank you is the best prayer that anyone could say. I say that one a lot. Thank you expresses extreme gratitude, humility, understanding.’

ALICE WALKER

As the picture you paint of your life starts to change each day, miraculously so too does how you feel about your life. The situations you find yourself in somehow no longer seem so bad. There is some good in almost everything you discover.

And before long, other people start to notice the difference in you and in turn you’ll find that they are warmer and friendlier to you. This is the magic multiplier effect.

When you practise gratitude, you exercise a spiritual muscle. Ever wondered why some people seem to be cheerful no matter what is happening around them? It’s because of their attitude. Everything that you add to your list and every ‘thank you’ that you think or utter aloud changes your attitude. It has a profound impact on your mindset and, as a consequence, on your life and the people in it.

Gratitude can also be used as a shield to ward off negativity – either your own or other people’s. As you become more positive, those around you – whether they are colleagues, friends or family – may become confused. They may be so used to you despairing or complaining about your lot that they’re thrown and don’t know how to react to your new, more positive outlook. They may invite you to pick up your list of woes again. Try your very best to resist. Whatever you focus on grows, so keep your focus firmly on the good in your day.

Like any exercise, the more you practise the easier it gets. Before long you’ll wonder how you ever managed without it.

TIP: Keep a small notebook or space in your journal for your gratitude list. Experiment with what time of day you write it. Use it as a spiritual remedy to either kick-start your day or get a restful night’s sleep. And you can always refer to it halfway through your day if you need an instant hit of positivity.

I was very depressed when I first started this practice. I did it to people-please – as someone had told me to – not because I thought it would work. To my cynical intellect it seemed trite and insincere. For the first few days I struggled to find anything I felt grateful for. But somehow each day it got easier and now my list is so full of wonderful things that if I do it too late at night it can keep me awake through excitement. The more good I see in my life, the more good seems to come.

JN

I know it seems absolutely ludicrous with everything that I have that is good in my life, but I have a habit of complaining. I can’t believe I’m admitting that, but it’s true. I go through stages where I forbid myself to complain. The minute a negative thought is about to leave my lips, I force myself to say the opposite. ‘Thank you for getting me here safely,’ as opposed to ‘Oh my God, the traffic!’ The difference it makes in my life is huge. And yet before long, there I am again finding ways to complain through humour or storytelling. Obviously sometimes this has got to be OK – to find humour in the ridiculous – but I have to stay vigilant to make sure that it isn’t just another excuse to talk about what’s wrong as opposed to what’s right in my life. The more I keep up my gratitude lists the less likely I am to complain in a day; it’s as simple as that.

GA

Reflection

‘Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.’

MARIANNE WILLIAMSON

It only takes a miniscule turn of the steering wheel to change the direction of an ocean liner. When I’m off-kilter or worrying about what I haven’t got, I use gratitude to redirect myself. It usually only takes a moment of pausing and thinking of something I have to be thankful for to get back on track. Whatever I focus on grows, so I make sure that I keep my gaze on what is good so that I can open myself up to joy.

Action: Today I will notice all the nice things that happen and I will say thank you.

Affirmation: I am lucky and I am blessed. My life is full of wonder.

Essential Practice 2

GENTLENESS:

Changing the Messages We Give Ourselves

‘Peace begins with a smile.’

MOTHER TERESA

Imagine if every morning you woke up with a radio station blaring full volume inside your head. It would drive you crazy. In fact, that very tactic is used to torture prisoners into submission. And yet, that is exactly how we all live – with voices inside our heads telling us crazy, negative, self-defeating messages.

Take a moment to think of some of the thoughts you may subject yourself to on a daily basis, without even realizing you’re doing it. We all have our own individual ones, but here are a few favourites: ‘I don’t fit in’, ‘I’m too fat’, ‘I’ll never meet anyone’, ‘I’m going to end up broke and alone’, ‘I’m a failure’, ‘I’ll never get anywhere’, ‘It’s not fair’, ‘She doesn’t like me’, ‘He’s going to leave me’.

Get the picture? Your voices may be slightly different, but they are all coming from the same place. A place of fear. Fear that there is not enough, that we are not enough, that anything good we may have will be lost, that things are ultimately not going to be OK.

It’s as if we each have an internal propaganda machine generating messages of fear and inadequacy so that even when things are going well, the machine is at work warning us that it will never last or things will never be this good again.

‘We have been taught to believe that negative equals realistic and positive equals unrealistic.’

SUSAN JEFFERS

To compound and complicate things, many of us have come to believe that the messages being broadcast by our negativity transmitter are in fact helpful. We tell ourselves that they protect us from disappointment and loss by ensuring we are realistic. We mistakenly believe these messages are our friends – that they stop us getting carried away and having dreams that will never be realized, that they keep us firmly on the ground.

In fact, the opposite is true. And there’s a much better source from which to generate the messages we give ourselves: LOVE. That may sound a little hippy-dippy, but think about it. Would you talk to your best friend, or someone else you love – a child or a partner – the same way that you talk to yourself? You may be quite comfortable telling yourself that you’re useless or stupid or a failure, but you’d be unlikely to say it to someone you really cared about.

‘You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.’

JOYCE MEYER

Every time you say something cruel or unkind to yourself you are wounding yourself, whether you are aware of it or not. Think how you feel when you receive a compliment. It’s not always easy to let positive messages in, but think how good you feel when you do. Remember that burst of confidence. Now compare that with how you feel when you’re criticized.

Just as you can’t expect to lose weight if you live on a diet of fast food and sugar, you can’t expect to live a peaceful and happy life if you’re living on the mental equivalent of an unhealthy diet.

What’s more, we often unwittingly pass on these internal messages to others – particularly (if we have any) our children. So the abuse we give ourselves gets handed down the generations – unless we make a conscious decision to intervene.

I love my children more than anything in the world. They are the most important part of my life and when I’m with them I am happiest – and yet, I find parenting hard. I do my very best to carve out as much time to be present and active with them as possible, but I’m not entirely sure that my nerves are built for the noise, the intensity, the constant requirement to be selfless and to remain calm. It takes everything in me not to nag them to quieten down and stop everything childish, which would obviously be devastating for their childhoods!

I see other mothers who seem to find it less of a struggle. Perhaps they have grown up in bigger families or have tougher nerve endings. I have worked extremely hard to practise patience and to pause when necessary before reacting, but, on the other hand, I also have to remember to forgive myself. So, for instance, even when I do the ‘right thing’ and get down on the floor to play Lego, my kids can sense that it’s not the easiest thing for me. I will do it and I will stay there and engage, but somehow it’s a struggle, even if I’m pretending it’s not, and consequently they can tell. But it has taken me years and years not to feel guilty, to accept that I have limitations in that area and that I really am doing the best that I can. When I accept and forgive my own weaknesses, then I can be lighter in the moment, because I’m not trying too hard to be perfect and in the end, my kids benefit too.

GA

There is growing scientific evidence to suggest that negative attitudes can shape our experience of reality. Just as the placebo effect has been shown to produce improvements in patients’ health, there’s now evidence of a nocebo effect: up to 80 per cent of patients who’re told they’ll experience negative side effects from a treatment may experience them even if they’re given nothing more than a sugar pill. In trials, patients who’ve been told they are being given chemo when in fact they’re being given saline have been known to throw up and lose their hair.³ It is what we believe about a situation, rather than the truth, that influences our responses.

EXERCISE: A New Script

This exercise is to help you start reprogramming the propaganda machine in your head.

Pick one of the negative messages that you give yourself. Write it down so you can see it for what it is: mean, unkind, negative, unhelpful. The problem is your brain usually doesn’t see it that way. Your brain thinks it is protecting you by giving you that message. So, one step at a time, you are going to have to retrain your brain. Later on we’ll work with specific tailor-made affirmations (here), but for now let’s use a message as an antidote that fits almost every situation.

Underneath the sentence you have written, write this: ‘My name is [______________]. I am a good and kind person. I do not need to please everyone. I do enough. I am enough’.⁴

Now cross out your original sentence and then say out loud the new message you have given yourself. Every time you notice a negative thought coming into your head, repeat your new message until the negative thought has gone.

Each morning and each evening for the next 14 days, when you brush your teeth, look in the mirror and say your message out loud to yourself three times. Look yourself in the eyes and say it tenderly, as you would to someone you care about. Are you cringing? If so, that’s good – it means you’re hitting a live nerve. Morning and night, eyeball to eyeball in the mirror, three times. Try it. You’ve nothing to lose but a bit of pride, and everything to gain!

How will you ever know whether there’s a better way unless you try?

This technique for reprogramming our internal message machine can feel incredibly awkward when we begin. ‘What if someone hears me talking to myself?’ It’s ironic that so many of us have no problem with bombarding ourselves with negative messages but then feel embarrassed by the prospect of giving ourselves kind, positive and encouraging ones.

You’ll be amazed at how changing the way you talk to yourself will make a difference in your life. For a start, you’ll begin to enjoy your own company more – who wants to spend time alone with someone who’s going to be mean or moan all the time? But more importantly, it starts to change how you actually feel about yourself. Having positive thoughts coursing through your mind can’t help but lift your spirits … and your attitude.

And then, of course, the magic multiplying effect of this exercise starts to kick in. As you feel better about yourself, your perception of the world around you starts to shift, and your relationships start to miraculously improve. And this is just the beginning of the process. Please don’t take our word for this: try it out for yourself. The changes may be almost imperceptible at first, but they will accumulate. There is so much more that is good to come.

TIP: Write your message on a Post-it note and, if you feel comfortable to, stick it to your bathroom mirror. Otherwise keep it somewhere you’ll see it often to remind yourself that you are in the process of learning a vital, life-transforming new habit.

I’ve found great benefit in creating an internal intolerance towards self-criticism. Granted, it isn’t foolproof and is a work in progress, but it works more often than not. The second a negative thought even reaches the periphery of my mind, I try to banish it – kind of like Dr. Evil’s ‘shhh’ in Austin Powers – humour really helps! If I were to let the thought develop, it might look like: ‘If only I looked like so and so’ or ‘If only I was right for that job, but I’m not, so I’m just not going to try’. It doesn’t matter how big or small the thought; I let it go before it gets beyond the ‘If’. For me, just the act of refusing to let a negative thought into my consciousness is liberating.

I spent years doing the opposite and letting the negativity sit there and grow until it led to further self-deprecating thoughts and inaction. Suddenly, I’d find it was 20 minutes later and I’d forgotten to wish my colleague happy birthday, follow up on something important, or sign up for something that would have been enjoyable or even life-changing, because of self-obsessing and essentially self-harming.

GA

One day my teenage son, who had exams fast approaching, came to me and said he felt ill. ‘Push through it,’ I told him. ‘Just get one more hour in.’ His face fell as he dragged himself back to his desk, and as he went I realized I was passing on exactly the lesson I’d learned in childhood – ‘Don’t stop, ever. Even if you’re ill, you’ve got to keep working or you won’t amount to anything’.

I’d carried that same message into my working life as a journalist and it had eventually resulted in my burning out. And yet, here I was, all those years later – despite having worked on myself – passing on exactly the same harmful message to my son.

I boiled the kettle, made him a mug of honey and hot lemon and insisted he close his books and lie down on the sofa and relax instead. The relief and gratitude that swept across his poor tired face reminded me that knowing how to be kind to himself would carry him further in life than any uplift in his grades that the extra hour’s study might have given him.

JN

Reflection

‘Imagine how much happier we would be, how much freer to be our true individual selves, if we didn’t have the weight of gender expectations.’

CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE

If I don’t take care of myself I can start thinking I am only my job or someone’s wife or mother. Or I can think I am my body weight, my looks or my brain. Before long I’m telling myself I’m fat or lazy or dumb or hopeless.

And then I remember the truth. That who I am is not dependent on any thing I own, have or do. That I exist beneath and beyond the facts of my life – that I’m a spiritual being on a human quest.

Action: Today I will be kind to myself.

Affirmation: This is who I am and I feel glad to be me.

Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.

Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес».

Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию на ЛитРес.

Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.