BÉNÉDICTE NEWLAND AND PASCALE SMETS
And God Created the Au Pair

DEDICATION

For Mum and Pa

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

Family Tree

September 99

October 99

November 99

December 99

January 00

February 00

March 00

April 00

May 00

June 00

July 00

August 00

September 00

October 00

November 00

December 00

January 01

February 01

March 01

April 01

May 01

June 01

July 01

August 01

September 01

Afterword

Acknowledgement

About the Author

Copyright

About the Publisher

FAMILY TREE

SEPTEMBER 99

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Do not, repeat do not confuse dishwashing liquid with dishwasher liquid. Dishwashing liquid is in fact washing-up liquid in N America and when used in the dishwasher creates a giant foam monster that pours through what one naively assumes are the watertight seals on the edges of the dishwasher door. First tried to scoop the pouring tide of foam into kitchen sink but that immediately filled up with foam that would not die so then had to fill buckets with foam and run and throw them out on the deck. When Michael finally responded to my shrieks for assistance and wandered downstairs he (most unusually) had the good idea that we should sprinkle the small sachet of dishwasher powder that came free with the machine over the foam. Surprisingly it did in fact kill the beast. But everything very wet and foamy afterwards and him very smug.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: the beast

Didn’t the size of the bottle alert you? Any sign of missing saucepans yet?

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Bottle was huge. V easy mistake to make. Saucepans still mysteriously absent. Have unearthed one box of stuff so am now able to grate things or whisk things.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Have some ghastly problem with our drains at the moment, v stinky & wet at the bottom of the garden. Albert who is here to paint the kitchen full of gloomy predictions, have to say feel a bit gloomy myself but am resolutely trying to hide it as it only encourages him.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Sure it’s nothing too serious. You know Albert would rather eat his own head than miss an opportunity to revel in a bit of doom and gloom. Have finally tracked down saucepans (in the basement under approx 1000 boxes of toys).

Went downtown today to buy lots of ugly expensive school uniform, for ugly, expensive (though apparently excellent) new school. Remarkably, Ollie though only doing mornings has to wear uniform on Fridays complete with blazer (absurd as he is not yet 3 and a midget to boot), so have had to go to all that expense so he can look like a small square waiter one morning a week. Felt really nervous about driving my big new car on big roads at first, but have discovered that a big road is in fact a good thing and you never need to mount the pavement to ease past an oncoming car like in London.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Don’t know about that, find big roads really scary & am used to sweatily squeezing past other big cars in tiny roads though must admit despite much practice am still apt to misjudge spaces. My car is looking quite well used, though cheeringly not as bad as Amanda next door’s. Not entirely her fault as I did reverse hard into her car twice while parking last week (Dan watching – made me nervous).

Fran is preparing for yet another driving test. Talks about it endlessly. Told her I’ll reverse over her if she says ‘I’m definitely going to crack it this time’ once more.

Saw Helena in Tesco today, she trapped me by the bananas, her face a mask of tenderness as she enquired how I was coping now you’ve gone. Said I was just about bearing up (meant it as a joke but then noticed her eyes had alarmingly filled with tears), she did lots of nodding then said what a lovely neighbour you’d been and she’d always remember your unique approach to life. Said it like you’d died instead of just moved abroad. She paused a lot before she said ‘unique approach’ which made me suspect it was more a reference to the untidiness of your house than the uniqueness of your approach.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Hurrah. Have just spent £400 having video made of my drains in order to ‘pinpoint problem area’. Unsurprisingly ‘problem area’ turns out to be where stinky wet patch is (drain cracked, lawn will have to be dug up). How to file video? alphabetically between Christmas & Easter? or between Dan’s buttocks as sort of aide-memoire not to waste our money in the future (he insisted we have it done)? How are the children? When do they start school? Mine back this Thurs, Ellie v excited about going into year 1 and feel irrationally optimistic about Maddie starting in nursery.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Should definitely make Dan sit and watch the drain video (keeping the empty case between his buttocks while he watches). School started yesterday and they were all v cheerful when they came out which was a huge relief. School drop-off and pickup, the ultimate N American experience. No standing round in the playground chatting to other mothers. Everyone queues up in their huge cars and when you get to the school there’s a ‘drive-thru’ and you hand your children out to a teacher, and at pickup lots of teachers striding around with walkie-talkies and when you reach the school there are your children waiting for you. They aren’t quite handed out through a little window, but almost.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Very glad it went so well. Girls back yesterday too. Ellie thrilled about it, Maddie’s start in nursery not so auspicious. In fact I could say ghastly. I had secretly harboured insane notion that world’s weepiest child MIGHT go in without crying. Needless to say it turned out I had been wildly optimistic. Resolved to harden my heart against squirty & copious tears (so squirty & copious actually left a wet patch on my trousers), naturally failed miserably and had to bolt to the car.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Your problem is you’re too good-humoured and your children grow attached to you. If you were a ratbag like me you’d find your children parted from you quite cheerfully.

Next-door-but-one came round today to introduce herself and brought her two daughters AND home-made cookies. Wish I could report she was wearing a pinny, but even without that, quite a pleasing piece of good ol’-fashioned neighbourliness. Younger daughter, Takara, is the same age as Josie (though approximately half her height) and they seemed to get along quite well. Older daughter was a pill, couldn’t have made it clearer that she’d come round under duress, and slumped onto the sofa exuding adolescent surliness from every pore. Don’t think from early indications Suzette and I are going to be soulmates. In the time it took to drink a cup of tea and eat a home-made cookie she managed to tell me 1) her husband is very brilliant and successful 2) her daughters are both very gifted and intelligent, also musical, 3) she has a troublesome time finding the right hairdresser as they all make such a fuss over her hair. Suggestion here was that her carroty mane is so very beautiful it’s almost more of a curse than a blessing. She does a lot of languid flicking it back over her shoulders. She also very cleverly managed to weave her flat stomach into the conversation (her eyes definitely skittered across mine at this point). If I were more skilled at these things I could have raised the subject of bottoms, because I would estimate hers is at least 50% bigger than mine. She also brought me up to speed on her marital situation – current husband, Kane, is no. 2 and is half-Japanese which apparently makes their home ‘very culturally rich’. Luckily she and husband no. 1 are still really good friends and Sophie (daughter of no. 1) adores Kane and just loves having two dads, so everything is wonderful. Altogether a very promising encounter, hope Josie and Takara do become friends as I shall very much enjoy hearing in what other ways Suzette is generally marvellous.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

How fabulous, love the sound of her carroty mane. You do realise you equal each other out. Her shrunken daughter & oversized bottom equals your oversized daughter & shrunken bottom.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

I’ve been going round this house trying to hang pictures etc and am discovering that though it looks very new and fancy it is in fact constructed of compressed cardboard. That, together with the fact that the downstairs is mostly open-plan, means the children can hear every hushed conversation we have even when they’re in their bedrooms. Doorbell is v offensive too, plays an eight-note tune and sound comes through an intercom which is in every room so makes me jump out of my skin every time it rings. Also a ridiculous number of bathrooms and a sauna in the basement. Cannot envisage any circumstances under which I would want to use it.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: big vulgar house

Grant you everything sounds amazingly vulgar (speaking of which Dan suggested you could use sauna for 70s-style sex) but since everything is new, presumably it all works, also how fantastically liberating tastewise – no poncey agonising over whether it’s better to buy genuine antique bog from salvage yard for 3x price of naffer but more practical reproduction one. In absence of your steadying influence did buy poncey antique loo for spare bathroom. Turns out you were right – impossible to clean as glaze v patchy. However, what you didn’t know & I have triumphantly discovered is will only flush vv small poos.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

You should put a discreet little picture up like a no-smoking sign but with a poo instead of a cigarette (wd also help with the cleaning problem).

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

‘Drain patrol’ came today to replace cracked piece of pipe. Rather mystifyingly, although you would think a trench the approximate depth & width of drain to be replaced would be adequate, it appears not. Excavations have now reached such magnitude, suspect they have become confused between the words ‘pipe’ & ‘tube’ & are actually building a tube station (tube theory further supported by the size of their quote). Hugh is overjoyed and desperate to get out there. V tricky to keep him in as workmen keep leaving door to garden open & he v darty & determined.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Probably will increase the value of your house though, being so close to a tube station. I’ve discovered intriguing feature of this house which is that floor throughout hall and kitchen which is granite? polished stony stuff anyway and which is speckled grey, black and white is perfect camouflage for anything at all, gratifying when this is dirt, but annoying when it’s a small object you’ve inadvertently dropped. God forbid I drop a contact lens on it. Garage now completely full of empty boxes and packaging as we don’t know what to do with it all so have been lobbing it in there. Suppose we will at some stage have to actually use it to put the cars in but will worry about that later.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Floor that hides the dirt, definitely worth the odd lost contact lens. I have dirt-accentuating floor and still lose stuff all the time.

Rained really heavily last night & in usual weekend fashion sent girls downstairs with Hugh to watch telly so we could have a lie-in. Lie-in cut short by sound of Hugh crying & Ellie calling me, v ominously citing Hugh & mud as the reason for waking us. Came down to find Hugh freezing & thickly coated in mud from what was once our garden but now closely resembles trenches of WW1. Ellie’s explanation for letting him out was that ‘he wanted to’. Whole episode entirely my own fault for being lazy and sluttish.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Count yourself lucky that it was only mud. Rob called me down proudly the other day because Ollie had done a poo on the potty and Rob had decided to wipe his bottom for him as a nice surprise for me. Had to completely strip both of them and clean quite a large surrounding area. Rob very pleased and expectant so I had to say ‘well done for trying’.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Suzette and Kane invited us for a barbecue lunch today. Michael naturally grumpy, on the very limited exposure he’s had to them says they are stupid and boring. I on the other hand thoroughly enjoy the little glimpses I get into their life and was therefore happy to go. Not disappointed in the least. Sophie, the older daughter, emerges sufficiently from her sullen silence when on her home turf to be obnoxiously rude to them both – wasn’t hungry/didn’t like any of the food served. Suzette eventually tensely excused her from the table and she slouched off inside. Once she’d relaxed after Sophie’s departure, Suzette was in quirky mode, lots of tales of her madcap exploits, how she’d chased a racoon out of her bedroom in her undies (so a bit sexy too) at their cottage up north (everyone here has a cottage up north), how she’d driven to Montreal with the girls on a whim one night because she wanted them to absorb the French language (thought this bit sounded slightly bipolar, it’s about a five-hour drive …), how she’d charmed the Canadian border guards into not charging her tax after a shopping spree in the States (doubtless her glorious red hair played its part). Obviously her life is a chick flick and much more fun than mine. Very best bit was when we had ice cream. She was talking to Michael while holding up her spoon and slowly running her tongue along it. Not sure if she fancies him or if she’s just one of those women who automatically flirts with all men. Michael, bless him, was looking at her with puzzled distaste which she no doubt read as scarcely controlled lust.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Michael probably just thought she had a tongue disorder.

Anna rang last night to get your address (again). Told me Rory and Theo had missed first one and a half days of school as she’d got the date they went back wrong – thought they went back same day as Guy and Isabel so they missed the first day and then on morning of next day discovered Toulouse-Lautrec had badly chewed one of Rory’s new school shoes and bitten the buckle off one of Theo’s. So then instead of just sending them in trainers, decided to drop Greta at nursery and ‘whizz’ into Buckingham to buy boys shoes en route to school. Whizzed there but couldn’t whizz on as she ‘broke down’. This conversation conducted to the background of Geoffrey shouting ‘You didn’t break down – you ran out of bloody petrol again.’ Anyway after fulminating for 20 mins about how this time she really was going to get rid of Toulouse-Lautrec, Anna came over quite sentimental, said she misses you and blood is thicker than water (about 9 times).

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

That dog will survive us all. Why would she get rid of him for something as trivial as eating school shoes when she failed to get rid of him after he ate Geoffrey’s passport before he went to Dubai?

Went to a fundraising meeting at the school this afternoon (doing my bit). Also thought I might meet some other parents since you never meet anyone at the drive-thru. I took Ollie along since I always did in England to such things. Heart sank rather when I saw all the women v done up and manicured, meeting in a formal boardroom and NO children. Braved it anyhow and sat Ollie on my lap. They began with minutes from the last meeting – v bad sign. Ollie asking me questions in a loud voice from time to time but otherwise ok. It dragged on and on and Ollie was getting more and more pissed off. Someone gave him some crayons and paper which kept him sitting quietly for a few minutes till I noticed he was chewing them and spitting them onto the table (not only embarrassing but also slightly worrying regressive behaviour). At this point the head of the school (a really giant arse) was addressing the meeting and all the other women were gazing at him with rapt admiration. Anyhow couldn’t take it any more so shuffled out in disgrace. Shall not be going again.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Unclear about the headmaster’s giant arse – does he have one or is he one?

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Is one. Has a substantial arse but wd not be fair to describe it as giant.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Michael’s new office held a party last night. Felt a bit of a twat as clearly everyone else had come straight from the office and was in work clothes and I was in party gear. Also we had to do a lot of standing around chatting and I wore my high boots which I always forget make me want to gnaw my feet off after 10 minutes. Still, met some people who are slightly more normal than the manicured soccer moms in their giant cars from the school and one woman in particular, Nina, who Michael says is brilliant and lured over from Vancouver, is really delightful and has twin boys of Ollie’s age, so that was promising.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re overdressing – you should have explained to attentive circle of fellow guests (captivated by your English frankness) that this was just the kick-off to an evening of intense socialising and your real destination was a much bigger fancier party later on.

PS Fran v glum today. Had rather bad luck during driving test so didn’t ‘crack it’ this go as she’d predicted.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Re: Wrinklies

Poor Fran, fear she’ll try again though. Went to our posh mall first thing this morning. Disconcerted to see mall absolutely full of old people in snowy-white trainers and neatly pressed tracksuits. Apparently ‘mall walking’ is how old people get their exercise here, and obviously makes sense when v cold/hot, but surprising when outside is gentle September sun. Perhaps winter strikes with terrifying suddenness here and you can’t be too careful?

From: Rachel Lockwood

To: Nell Fenton

Dear Nell

I have again proved my shortcomings as a friend and failed to email you to see how all is going. Are you settling in? and how are the children finding school? Jonathan has started at the local school and seems almost insultingly unconcerned about leaving me in the morning. Probably punishment for the fact that I never made finger puppets or did Play-Doh with him. Also the food at school is better than the food at home because they get jelly. (Is there no limit to my inadequacy?) Send me your news, we are thinking of you all and are planning how we can scrape up the money to come and visit, if I can ever get Jack on a plane that is.

Fondest love to all

Rachel xx

From: Nell Fenton

To: Rachel Lockwood

Dear Rachel, all is well here though still lots of unpacking to do. The house is quite nice, v comfortable in a vulgar way and the children seem to like their school, so far. Not seeing much of Michael who’s working really long hours but hopefully that will settle down. Toronto is fantastic for children, lots of lovely clean parks and the restaurants are cheap (as is everything, in fact) and very child-friendly. Would love you to come with or without Jack, we have lots of room, 3 spare bedrooms and about 84 bathrooms. Charlotte & co are coming at Christmas I hope, but perhaps you could come for Easter? Love Nell

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

The house is such a bomb site and I’m so desperate for some help – Michael never around – have hired a very unpromising cleaner called Cynthia. Got her through an agency and am resolutely ignoring her obvious shortcomings, not least of which is the fact that she seems a bit mad (mutters darkly all the time) also I cannot understand a word she says though she is Jamaican so I suppose English is her first language.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

It’s a time-honoured family tradition to have a dodgy cleaner and at least you have one, Gina-the-cleaner is leaving me. Also your house is finished so presumably things don’t come off in your hand all the time (Dan stuck in bathroom for 20 mins yesterday when door handle fell out on bedroom side), everything a constant tip here AND I don’t like new kitchen colour. Albert keeps looking at me through narrowed eyes saying ‘You don’t like it, do you?’ so on top of hating it have to keep hotly denying I hate it as Dan will definitely divorce me if I change the colour again. Suspect Gina moving purely to get away from us and the spectacular shambles and Dorset was just the first county she came across into which debris from our house hadn’t spilled. Feel quite sad about it, even though she’s dreadfully unreliable (come rain or shine she might turn up) I’m really fond of her. Think we’re going to get an au pair next, instead. Fran says the trick is to get a beautiful Swedish one as it’s the ugly ones who go after your husband and the beautiful ones who think he’s a sad old wanker.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

I can’t believe Gina lasted as long as she did, was totally unsuited to manual labour with that inner ear problem of hers.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Nonsense, she cleaned very well, only staggered a bit and hardly ever toppled right over.

I’ve been looking at au pair details from agency, incredibly depressing as makes me feel absolutely ancient. They all seem to have been born in the 1980s. Also they’re all so WORTHY. When I was 18 I was getting drunk on the King’s Rd & trying to get to grips with smoking without setting my dreadlocks on fire. Nowadays all 18-year-olds (Swedish ones at least) ‘love to work with childrens’. Will have to choose a short one as shower in top bathroom has v low showerhead.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Think it’s moderately unlikely that they would list drinking and smoking as hobbies on their application forms, however keenly they pursue those activities in their spare time.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

I’m going to kill Michael. Went to another work party and this time checked with Michael how smart/casual it was going to be. He assured me it was casual. Should have known he would not pay attention to such details. Turned out to be a party for the people they really wanted to impress (unlike previous hoi polloi party) and as we arrived we were photographed for society pages (vv bad – was wearing fairly skanky cord jacket) and when we got in all the women were in full evening wear, and me in very ordinary navy trousers, Gap t-shirt and cardigan (silk admittedly, but much washed), also in my distress managed to get potato-sized blotch of red wine on my t-shirt in first 10 minutes. Chairman’s wife came up and kissed Michael, who was mortified since he hadn’t bothered to shave (party being so casual). Since he’s half-man half-gorilla, it’s not insignificant when he fails to shave. Serves him bloody well right.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

How could you not know he’d get it wrong?? This is the man who says ‘I like that dress’ when you’re wearing a skirt. Like any NORMAL man, will say any old crap that pops into his head just to shut you up, also much more likely to say it’s casual wear as party clothes require much more input from husband – eg ‘no your back doesn’t look at all fat in that/knees don’t look weird/the choker doesn’t make your neck look short’ … and if he were interested enough to correctly assess dress code he would be no good to you as he would not be married to you as he would almost certainly be gay.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

It’s true that clothes aren’t his specialist subject, what with all those confusingly different names clothes can have. (Colours also v problematic for him, brown and grey – how can anyone tell the difference?)

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Fucking hell. Central heating finally packed up last night, quite frankly can’t believe the ancient & poisonous boiler has lasted this long. Albert came round today in a last-ditch attempt to try and revive it. After 45 mins of the boiler equivalent of heart massage announced ‘it’s a gonner’, had urge to add ‘still, it had a good innings’ but felt it would be disrespectful. Should have replaced the whole lot before we moved in last year but since at that point we were operating on the ‘only absolutely essential work to be done’ principle and it was (just) working it seemed unnecessary. Now v necessary & timing worse as have just paid to have ‘tube station’ dug in our garden & I really want to come to visit at Christmas.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Deepest condolences on your loss but you still have to come at Christmas whatever happens.

Now Josie has made friends pesky child has been nagging for a birthday party. Had hoped that her birthday being over a month ago and the move etc would have made her forget, but no, bless her retentive little brain. Also she wants to invite the whole class so am failing to benefit from huge advantage of an August birthday where one can invite the whole class with impunity since 60% are invariably away. Have arranged something called Mad Science for entertainers and having set stupid precedent of doing handmade invitations for the last 2 birthdays have had to come up with appropriately mad and sciency card. Was quite pleased with my idea of cutting out test-tube-shape cardboard, with big bubbles coming out the top. Only noticed when I had done about 20 that they are vv phallic when upended. Still, not bloody doing them again and anyway it might prompt gratifying August-type refusal rate.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Try not posting the invitations at all but instead storing them safely in a nappy-changing bag for at least 2 weeks then performing secret, frantic, last-minute phone round (on discovering them crumpled & dirty in bottom of said bag), should yield 30–40% refusal rate if past experience is anything to go by.

OCTOBER 99

From: Louise Corrigan

To: Charlotte Bailey

We’re making plans to come to London. Walt needs to do some research in London for a piece he’s doing for the NY Times and we have meetings about our book. Anyway we’d love to come visit if you can bear to have us. We’d be staying Nov 7 thru 15 if that’s ok. If it’s too much let us know & we’ll go to a hotel. Speak soon x L

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Louise Corrigan

FANTASTIC! We’d love you to come & stay, facilities a little basic at the moment though, central heating on the blink but should definitely have it sorted by the time you come, also roof absolutely watertight now. Dan can pick you up at the airport if you want, just let us know. Love C

From: Louise Corrigan

To: Charlotte Bailey

That’s great. Don’t worry about facilities, you know us, we’ll crash anywhere. Re collection, don’t sweat it, hon, we’ll order a car to pick us up. Speak soon x L

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

oh god, oh god, oh god, never felt such a mix of emotions.

Lou & Walt coming to stay & house a total fucking bomb site. Mentioned in a masterstroke of understatement ‘basic facilities’ to Lou but she seemed to gloss over that, don’t think my version of basic & hers quite the same eg she, non-goosedown duvet = basic, me sleeping on Lilo = basic. Lou said & I quote ‘We’ll crash anywhere.’ Have you ever known a couple less likely to ‘crash anywhere’? Last time they stayed (AND we were still living in Islington – the height of luxury compared to here), Walt spent his whole time gargling vinegar to ‘cleanse his sinuses of dust mites’. God knows what he’ll do here – have to send industrial vacuum cleaner up there. Also confidently predicted that central heating would be fixed by the time they visit. On the positive side obv they are excellent company & always full of fantastic stories about NY. Also Lou always gives me all her pristine-looking ‘old’ stuff. Ellie v excited to see Godmother as Godmother does lovely stuff like put handcream on her & read stories with expression unlike real mother who skips pages & never puts handcream on self let alone 5-year-old. Must now go & tackle spare room as although visit a month away will take at least that long to empty it – room actually not ‘spare’ at all but v much needed as giant junk cupboard.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

You could have sent them to stay in a hotel, you barmy cow, and still have enjoyed their company. Living in a building site gives you a general dispensation from having people to stay. Went to a school-arranged social function this morning (trying to foster community spirit, lacking due to drive-by pickup). It was a breakfast at a fancy golf club which isn’t exactly my thing but don’t want to be a hermit so am making an effort. However, was entirely filled with same uptight gym-trained and manicured mothers from fundraising meeting, just many more of them. Have discovered irony is an unknown concept in this country so think they think I’m mad. Also never have manicures so am scruffy too.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Can’t believe alarm bells didn’t ring when you saw the words ‘golf club’. Can’t find anyone to fix central heating, though Albert, who is repainting kitchen at the moment, keeps dropping hints about doing it himself. Dan, who’s usually so easygoing, is absolutely adamant that we must find someone else as Albert has plenty of other things to do & will take forever & if he does it will not have heating for the new millennium. Other danger is of course he’ll get Smelly Gordon to help him. Dan doesn’t care about that – but I do.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Well, at least if you don’t fix your heating you’ll have the money to come and visit us.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: not pregnant

Got my period last night had been slightly hopeful as it was 2 days late, though even considering past success in getting pregnant immediately realise it is probably unrealistic to expect it this time (am v old these days) still can’t help feeling really disappointed. Dan quite sorry too as had got briefly excited about idea of swapping Volvo for an MPV.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

At least you have a vague idea when yours is due. Since mine is a randomly occurring phenomenon am a bit hopeful every month and invariably persuade myself that my PMT symptoms are signs of early pregnancy. Anyhow I’m even more ancient and unlike you don’t just need to brush against my husband when passing on the stairs in order to get knocked up so am sure you’ll be there way ahead of me.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Short (and therefore suitable) au pair I interviewed by phone has turned us down as we don’t have any animals and she loves animals. Am soooo pissed off, feel like ringing her back and saying don’t need any bloody animals have 3 children with the table manners of baboons. Have wasted nearly 2 weeks buggering around & now have to start again & there is only one other on list who looks suitable, is short enough & has not expressed an undue interest in animals.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

People who are that keen on animals are suspect anyhow and probably don’t like children. No doubt she’s a vegetarian too which would be really irritating. Speaking of irritating, Michael has decided we have to change our church AGAIN. Did it twice in England, now has again been listening to the sermons and thus finds things to object to and is insisting we find another church whose priest has views more in accordance with his own. Don’t really care but why can’t he just make shopping lists in his head during the sermon like a normal person?

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: urgently needed au pair

Spoke to alternative au pair last night, sounds v nice, speaks slightly better English than me & laughed politely at all my jokes (good sign) then asked me if I believe in smacking (good sign? bad sign? can’t decide). Refrained from saying I believe it exists (unlike fairies & Father Christmas) but thought this was too flippant a reply for such an earnest question & would probably confuse her, so simply said ‘nooo?’ in a hopeful way. Correct answer as she then admitted she’d turned down another family as they had said they DID smack. Can’t believe what a bloody minefield interviewing au pairs is & how though we all pretend we’re interviewing THEM, they are quite clearly interviewing US. Anyway felt really annoyed & whole episode has had the ‘going-on-a-diet effect’ (where knowledge of future abstinence makes you immediately hungry even though you just ate a pie). Though I think smacking is awful, wanted to quickly go up & smack them all.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Had Josie’s belated mad science party yesterday. Have to say nothing struck me as especially mad or sciencey about it, except perhaps setting off quite a big rocket in the road outside. Still, they all seemed to enjoy it and were most impressed to have what one girl described as ‘a proper tea’, as apparently all they ever have here is delivery pizza and prefab cake.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Finally got sent some proper photos of new au pair – much better than the usual b&w headshots that make everyone look like they belong to the Baader-Meinhof. She is v pretty but looks about 14 though she is apparently 19. Children all v excited about her arrival (though not half as excited as me). Girls have been making her lots of welcome cards all week. Am considering making my own welcome banner inscribed with ‘DELIGHTED TO HAVE YOU, NOW PLEASE DO SOME IRONING’ as laundry situation now completely out of control – have actual TOWERS of clothes in laundry room which when they are knocked over (all the time) double as a ‘soft play area’ for Hugh.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

I’m SO annoyed, I just came back from a haircut and saw Suzette as I was getting out of my car. I was quite pleased with it, it’s much shorter and I think looks quite stylish. She came up to me looking slightly pained and said ‘Oh, you cut your hair. Why?’ I was so taken aback I was quite unable to think of a suitably clever rejoinder. The only small consolation I can find is she has swept her own fiery locks up into a loose bun today which only emphasises how weirdly tiny her head is. My hair will grow but her head won’t.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Am sure your hair is v nice. You look much better with short hair. God is v kind & merciful as He has answered my prayers and finally found someone who appears competent (indeed passionate) re fascinating topic of our central heating. Keith – who is moonlighting from the gas board – did lots of sums about size of rooms & BTUs. Apparently we need a lot of pipework & ‘rads’ replaced (must always refer to them as ‘rads’ as it is quicker than saying radiators & Keith is very busy), also superly Keith says we need not 1 but 2 boilers for a house this size. Keith v concerned about ‘radical heat loss’ through the glass cupola on the top floor and suggested we get rid of it. No point explaining to a heat-loss Nazi that the cupola is pretty much the whole reason we bought this derelict wreck so just stood nodding with v thoughtful expression. Keith & Gerry are starting next w/e so may actually fulfil prediction to Walt and Lou of having heating, otherwise they’ll have to go to a hotel as being without hot water absolutely appalling (even by my v low standards). I’ve bought one of those tin baths a la Steptoe & Son to bath children in kitchen as running up & down stairs with kettles and pans of water too nightmarish (Dan & I still maintaining our standards by resolutely having 4-inch baths in freezing bathroom), but children absolutely love huge excitement of bathing next to cooker, took some arty black & white photos of them having fun, unfortunately combination of tin bath, newspapers on floor to protect parquet & Hugh crying made them look like NSPCC advert rather than jolly family snaps.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

God, how grim, recommend you drink a lot of sherry to help engender ‘spirit of the Blitz’ necessary to face such ordeals.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Have been using blow heaters to try & improve ambient temperature in house although it is unseasonably mild (thank the Lord). Oddly feels colder in the house than out in the garden but maybe it’s just because we put coats on to go outside … absolutely refuse to wear a coat inside, though very much wish to. Used to be so resilient when I was young but am pathetic about the cold now. Ellie & Maddie are too, especially Ellie. Hugh immune to everything (sometimes wonder if the messaging to his brain is all there …). Modern blow heaters terribly irritating as they have inbuilt thermostats so they are constantly switching themselves off in case they do anything dangerous like actually warm the room up slightly. Ancient one I borrowed from Fran never turns itself off & gets the room toasty warm in no time – love it & would crouch in front of it all day if the girls weren’t batting me out of the way to have their go.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Quite true about growing soft, can’t bear the cold now (dreading the winter here) and never used to feel it when I was young. Remember having friends round who were not only frozen but starving too, because Mum always fed us so late. Sure it was character-building. Anna only used to let that ponger Driscoll sleep on her bed at night because he kept her warm.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Finished painting au pair Ana Frid’s bedroom last night. Looks really lovely & by far the nicest bedroom in the house. All blue & white & Swedish-looking should make her feel quite at home or possibly homesick?? hope have not made tactless decorating faux pas. Anyway it has curtains that luxuriously close in the middle so she will be able to undress & dress in her own room unlike me. Also bought new duvet cover, did not run to new mattress though really should have since mattress absolutely ancient (got it off Mum who practically had it as a child). Quite sharp spring sticking out on both sides but have put that at foot end so hopefully will be ok.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Can’t believe you still have any of Mum’s evil old mattresses. You do realise not everyone was raised in the same haphazard way we were and is thus inured against beds with sharp protuberances or strange lumpy pillows. Good job she’s short so hopefully won’t impale herself immediately. Do think you should consider buying the poor girl a new mattress though.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Ana Frid arrived today. Dan picked her up from the airport & then drove her the ‘scenic’ route home pointing out London’s teenage hot spots like Leicester Square & Oxford Circus. Photo she sent us quite inaccurate – she actually looks 12 not 14 & is tiny like a doll. Worried in case one of the laundry towers falls on her & she can’t get out.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

I’d be more worried about breaking the news to her that there’s no heating or hot water if I were you.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Hurrah for au pair girl. Ana Frid completely fantastic. While laundry situation not yet fully under control at least now greater proportion of our clothes in drawers than on floor, Hugh’s ‘soft play area’ all but gone, & Dan no longer wearing jumpers to office to hide unironed shirts. Girls completely in love with her & think she is v beautiful. Ellie says she loves her ‘yellow hair & red cheeks’ – doesn’t sound so great when put like that.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Am v envious. Cynthia continues to exceed my expectations and I think may prove to be the worst cleaner I have ever had. She has told me that she’s here in Canada on refugee status and although she wants to get more work it is very hard (possibly because she’s so useless?). Means she is completely reliant on the money she earns from me and can’t get welfare. Obviously this means if I sack her I will burn in hell.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Bloody hell, Keith and Gerry have worked all w/e and central heating still not fixed. Interestingly, while it is working v well in basement & on top floor, middle 2 floors are still freezing. Children have all caught nasty colds, no doubt caused by sharp climate change as you walk through the house. Although now v nippy out don’t dare crank up existing heating any more as am fearful that downstairs warm front will meet middle-floor cold front precipitating rainfall in hallway. Have hot water in the basement but am not prepared to bath in kitchen. Also Albert very huffy about Keith the interloper and keeps lifting floorboards to inspect his work and then shaking his head disapprovingly. Unfortunately am quite certain it is only a matter of time before Albert shares his misgivings about Keith & Gerry’s workmanship with me & I really don’t think I can stand another conversation about pipework or ‘rads’ though at least Albert calls them radiators.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Any builder worth his salt thrives on delivering bad news. Probably wise to prepare yourself for the worst about the job they’re doing. We’ve been preparing for Hallowe’en which is a lot of fun here, much bigger deal than in England. Shops have been full of pumpkins, hay bales and eight-foot bunches of corn on the cob stalks for ages (purpose is rustic decoration). I’ve bought all of the above in rush of excitement. Children are going to attend school in costume (racks of them in every supermarket so trouble-free). Ollie is going to be a Teletubby – Tinky Winky? the gay purple one at any rate, Rob is a dinosaur, and Josie is a witch.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Don’t think Tinky Winky is v scary unless you are a homophobic anorexic, frightened of the colour purple. Hugh is accompanying the girls to a friend’s Hallowe’en party. I’ve made him an excellent miniature dracula cape. He looks adorable in it & is v proud. E & M skeleton & witch respectively.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Different here, you can dress up in any costume, doesn’t have to relate to Hallowe’en. Bit of a shame I think but have compensated by putting lots of spiders and bats on all the window sills round the house.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Albert & Keith have finally come face to face. Not good. I didn’t really understand their conversation but I think Albert asked Keith some provocative questions about BTUs & stopcocks. Anyway Keith is really pissed off and asked me if ‘that old geezer’ will be around much. Was mendacious enough to say no as although Albert at the moment spends all day, every day here, Keith is working evenings & weekends so am reasonably confident I should be able to keep them apart.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Rachel Lockwood

Re: Happy Birthday

Dear Rachel, hope you are having a lovely day. You will no doubt be impressed that I am emailing you on the ACTUAL day of your birthday AND I have also sent your present (several days ago in fact) instead of my more usual practice of storing it in a drawer for 4 months. Hope you like it, would say you can change it if you don’t, but that would be a lie. Love Nell

From: Rachel Lockwood

To: Nell Fenton

Dear Nell

It’s true I am deeply impressed, and the beautiful sweater arrived today. I absolutely love it and only one day after my birthday, which is frighteningly competent of you (but we mustn’t underestimate the pleasure of getting a birthday present at a totally random time of year – I say this in self-defence as I can never live up to the new you). I wish I could say Jack had put as much thought into his present, but actually he gave me some CDs and a coffee-table book on historic houses (yes, a coffee-table book though I am in fact his wife and not his hard-to-buy-for great-uncle). He’d clearly bought the presents on his way back from work the night before and quite frankly I’m so fed up with him generally, I don’t think I’d even have bothered to feign delight if it hadn’t been for Jonathan’s eager little face watching me across the breakfast table. I think he felt a bit guilty because he promised to come home early and take me out for dinner but of course he phoned later and said he’d been held up, so that was that. Sorry for the long whine and thank you again for my lovely present.

Fondest love to all

Rachel xx

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Hate people who talk about being stressed out, consider it to be poofy middle-class whingeing & v naff, so have come up with different expression to describe current state of mind. Think I will say am feeling very highly strung (good as this also implies v well bred & posh). Anyway am feeling v highly strung about central-heating situation as Walt & Lou arrive next week & last night after much hammering followed by silence followed by ‘FUCK, FUCK, FUUUUUUUCK!’ water started pouring through the living-room ceiling. Keith says ceiling will be fine as water ‘rushed through’ rather than trickled. Not quite sure why that’s better but according to Keith it is. As Keith & Gerry are moonlighting all work takes place in the evenings or at weekends. Laying pipes etc necessitates great deal of hammering, fine during the day but tricky at night when you are trying to get offspring to go to bloody sleep. Can’t exactly tell them to stop, as then they would stop. Floorboards up all over the house, a great hazard for someone as clumsy as me (narrowly missed putting my foot through spare-room ceiling). Furthermore, Hugh has discovered untold delight of lifting unsecured floorboards & placing girls’ (& my) cherished possessions under them. When we realised he was doing this subsequent under-board hunt turned up several items including my diaphragm, rather embarrassingly found by Gerry who feigned not knowing what it was – thank God it was in its case so we could both pretend it was my dentures.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Dentures a very clever deception, after all would be terrible if Gerry suspected you sometimes have sex with your husband. Much less embarrassing to have lost all your teeth by your mid-thirties.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: Hugh’s debut as Count Dracula

I allowed Ellie to be in charge of painting his face & slicking back his hair in Dracula-type mode. Unfortunately she was unsupervised when she did it so instead of using large pot of gel, prominently placed on basin for this exact purpose, she elected to scrabble through my bathroom cabinet until she found ancient pot of Vaseline which she used instead. Ana Frid has now washed Hugh’s hair about 1000 times (so convenient in a tin bath) but to no avail as he still looks like a v short bouncer from Stringfellow’s.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Our Hallowe’en was something of a partial success. There was trick or treating at our fancy local mall where bored and snooty shop owners stood in the doorways of their shops handing out candy, then we moved on to the houses in our neighbourhood. Called at Suzette’s but couldn’t linger as Rob traumatised by the crazed barking of her vile, jumpy, licky dogs. Suzette was in full costume, dressed as a serving wench and she told me with a trill of girlish laughter that she’s ‘crazy about Hallowe’en and the kids would be so mad at her if she didn’t dress up’ (surprising as Sophie had opened the door for us with her usual morose expression and wearing grungy jeans and a sweatshirt). This episode has proved that Suzette is much more young-at-heart than me (even my own treacherous children asked how come I didn’t dress up like Suzette). Also she is a crafty dresser because wench costume perfect for someone like her who has quite decent boobs but a really fat arse. Anyhow we soon gave up, so many people out half the houses didn’t answer and Rob wouldn’t even approach the ones where there was barking. Will have to plan more carefully next year.

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