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The Rules for Marriage

TIME-TESTED SECRETS FOR

MAKING YOUR MARRIAGE WORK

Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Foreword

Rule 1 Relax during the Engagement and Wedding

Rule 2 Continue to Be ‘a Creature Unlike Any Other’

Rule 3 Keep Your Own Life

Rule 4 Lower Your Expectations in the First Year

Rule 5 Be a Team

Rule 6 Accept that Some Things Are None of Your Business

Rule 7 Let Him Win

Rule 8 Be Supportive

Rule 9 Don’t Ask Your Single Friends for Marital Advice

Rule 10 Try Not to Call Him Too Much at Work

Rule 11 Don’t Expect a Lot of Sympathy from Him

Rule 12 Give Him 15 Minutes Alone When He Comes Home

Rule 13 Don’t Use the ‘D’ Word

Rule 14 Don’t Engage – and Other Rules for Rows

Rule 15 Say What You Mean, in the Nicest Possible Way

Rule 16 To Compare Is to Despair – Don’t Compare Him to Other Husbands

Rule 17 Have a Family Dinner at Least Once a Week

Rule 18 Have a ‘Date’ Night

Rule 19 Don’t Force Him to ‘Talk’

Rule 20 Don’t Hang on His Every Word

Rule 21 Do Things You Don’t Want to Do

Rule 22 Rarely Return His Gifts

Rule 23 He Can Say Anything about His Family – But You Can’t

Rule 24 Don’t Try to Do It All

Rule 25 Rules for Sex

Rule 26 Rules for Pregnancy

Rule 27 Listen to His Advice and Try to Appreciate It

Rule 28 Make Him Feel Like the Most Important Person in Your Life

Rule 29 Don’t Nag

Rule 30 Don’t Complain about the Kids

Rule 31 Keep It to Yourself

Rule 32 Don’t Expect Applause for Doing Chores

Rule 33 Don’t Shout

Rule 34 Don’t Find Fault with Things You Knew about When You Married Him

Rule 35 It’s Easier to Stay Married than Get Married

Rule 36 Don’t Be Surprised If Your Husband Lies

Rule 37 Don’t Go Changing or Trying Too Hard

Rule 38 Realize that Your Marriage Is Over If He Cheats Even Once

Rule 39 Don’t Think Marriage Guidance Is the Answer

Rule 40 Divorce with Dignity

Rule 41 Date Again as Soon as Poss

Listen to What Men Say

Rules for Second Marriages

More Rules from Happily Married Women

Final Thoughts from a Rules Facilitator

Fifteen Extra Hints

Also by the Author

Copyright

About the Publisher

Foreword

Have you ever wondered why some women are happily married while others are not, why some are content and others are constantly rowing with their spouse and feeling miserable?

The truth is, marriage isn’t easy. If it were, 50 percent of marriages wouldn’t end in divorce.

Why are some marriages less successful than others?

Success takes work. You might not want to hear this, but no one wanted to believe you had to work to get a man to propose either – before The Rules … and let’s face it, you do. So if you are willing to work hard to get a man, we think you’ll agree it’s worth some effort to keep him.

That’s why we came up with The Rules for Marriage.

Do any of these problems sound familiar?

‘When we were dating, we did interesting things all the time. Now that we’re married, his idea of fun is sitting on the sofa, eating crisps and watching telly.’

‘I want children now. He wants to wait a few years.’

‘His ex-wife still calls every once in a while and sends him birthday cards. When will this stop?’

‘He’d rather sit at the computer than have sex.’

‘I love him, but not his parents.’

‘I resent the fact that I make more money than him.’

These are problems many of our readers have shared with us, so we’ve done a great deal of research on how to solve them – in some cases, by avoiding them in the first place. The Rules for Marriage gives you answers to these problems and more.

When we wrote The Rules in 1995, we studied what worked and what didn’t in dating. We noticed that women who acted ‘hard to get’ got their man, while women who were too available or eager got hurt. We compiled 35 rules that helped women to be more of a challenge to men, such as ‘Don’t talk to a man first’ and ‘End the date first.’ As difficult as these rules were to do, they only had to be followed strictly for the first three or four months of a relationship. In many cases it was best to do them until the man proposed – after that time, once he was committed to you and the relationship, you didn’t have to carry on with them.

Marriage, on the other hand, is long term. So The Rules for Marriage, while certainly not as strict as The Rules for dating, must be a way of life. The Rules for dating are like a short-term diet – just as you skip dessert for a few months so you can fit into your swimming costume for the summer, we advised you to act mysterious and not have sex with Mr Right for a few months to make him fall in love with you. The Rules for Marriage, however, are like a life-long maintenance plan. Anybody can lose a stone, but how many keep it off? Lots of women know how to catch a man, but how many stay happily married?

So our focus here is not on getting a man, but keeping him. This means doing what it takes to make him happy. This can be as basic as making him feel important, being considerate, a team player, and it can also mean doing a bit extra – making a conscious effort not to nag, for example, or taking the time to be supportive of his ideas. All of this requires work.

Unfortunately, and whether you accept it or not, most or all of the emotional work in a marriage must be done by you. It is not mutual. Proof: you are reading this book, not your husband. He is probably reading a thriller or a book about making more money on the stock market. We are not generalizing. This is the way it is. In fact, your husband may not even like the fact that you are reading this book or talking to your friends or your mother about your marital problems. Like most men, he does not like to talk to ‘outsiders’ about his private life and believes that you should be able to solve your problems yourself or with him. So we don’t recommend discussing this book with your husband, or asking him to read it. Even if he agrees with most or all of our advice, he doesn’t like to think that you have to read a book to learn how to deal with him.

Maybe your husband is different. Maybe you have one of those rare husbands who reads relationship books and puts a lot of thought into keeping your relationship strong. We salute you – and him – but most women don’t have that kind of husband. We are writing here for most women.

The fact is, to be happily married, women sometimes need to treat their husband like a business client or customer whom they want to keep happy (i.e. let him be right etc.).

You’re probably thinking, ‘Why can’t it be equal?’ ‘Why can’t he do all the things you’re suggesting, like “Don’t say the first cross word” or “Make up first?’”

Our answer is because that’s the way it is. Men and women are different. They’re different when they’re dating – man must be the pursuer – and they’re different when they’re married – the woman must do most of the emotional work in a relationship. We didn’t make this up – we would love to give different advice, but these ideas are based on human nature and, like it or not, they work.

So don’t count on your husband doing his ‘part’; he may or may not. But he will respond in kind if you do yours. He will be happy and will want to stay with you for ever.

So here are The Rules for Marriage. You will find some rules harder than others, you won’t be perfect and you will make mistakes. The important thing is to make a beginning and keep trying. In no time, you will want to do The Rules for Marriage for no other reason than because they really work!

Good luck!

Ellen and Sherrie

Rule 1
Relax during the Engagement and Wedding

Ideally, The Rules for Marriage begin before your wedding day. We believe once you get engaged, a wedding date should be set – no endless engagements. When a man proposes, it should be with a ring and a wedding date within one year, no longer, unless you are young (under 25 years old), in which case a two-year engagement is fine. If your fiancé is stalling on a wedding date, you may have to give him back the ring and move on.

Assuming you have a ring and a wedding date, what are the rules for the engagement period and wedding?

Every month we receive calls, letters and e-mails saying, ‘Thanks. I’m so happy!’ But we also get letters like this one: ‘Now that I’m engaged, we’re arguing all the time. I feel him pulling back. I’m acting needy. What should I do?’ Or like this one: ‘How often should I see him now that I’m engaged? Do I stick to the three-day-a-week rule and 10-minute phone calls?’

These concerns are fairly common. The dynamics of a relationship can change dramatically when you go from dating to being engaged and planning a wedding. It is tempting to change your behaviour – to call him all the time, to lose interest in yourself, your work, your friends and just about everything else – because, after all, you are practically married. All of a sudden, you think The Rules are over.

This is a mistake. A man may get overwhelmed if he suddenly sees and/or hears from you morning, noon and night. It’s not like he’s going to break the engagement, but he starts to miss his freedom and wants space (going out with his mates, working late etc.) and then you get hurt.

If you continue to do The Rules, this will not happen. We don’t recommend living together, as we said in The Rules, but if you are and you are planning the wedding together, continue to be ‘a creature unlike any other’ (confident, easy-going), remain focused on making your life full and meaningful, and try not to nag him about the wedding plans or anything else.

However, the initial rigid rules of catching a husband no longer apply. He’s already pursued you, told you he loves you and wants to marry you. You’re a couple now, so you can relax in the knowledge that you don’t need to stick to the original ‘Don’t see him more than three times a week or talk for more than 10 minutes on the phone’ rules. You will be seeing him more often since you are planning the wedding and your future, or even living together. Obviously, you will need to speak to him to discuss things. Now comes the tough part… It’s how you conduct yourself – you’re calm, fun, pleasant, you still have your own life, you’re not suddenly demanding or clingy – that will make all the difference between a happy engagement and a stressful one. He enjoys simply being with you. You don’t have to be a constant challenge. You can call him at work more often than when you were dating. Just try to make sure the calls are quick and to the point – e.g. ‘Hi love, the flowers are in, my fitting is Tuesday, talk to you later, love you …’ – not an excuse to speak to him or to have marathon discussions.

Now, about the wedding.

Most women can get pretty hysterical while planning their wedding – there are so many details to worry about, so much pressure for it to go smoothly, so many opinions from family, friends and relatives. Try to keep your sanity. If you act like a diva or a perfectionist, you will make everyone around you crazy, including your fiancé. Relax! This is a good time to go inward, to not let Hollywood images of a perfect wedding distract you from the meaning of it all. You will soon be marrying the man of your dreams. Try to remember that the wedding is just one day of your life, not a motion-picture production. So what if the flowers are more lilac than pink? So what if the photographer you really wanted is booked and you have to go with your second (or third) choice? Are you going to let this ruin your big day?

We all know women who made themselves nervous wrecks over their wedding plans and hardly even enjoyed their big day. Of course, they all regretted it. Don’t let this happen to you. Don’t let family and friends make you crazy about the seating arrangements. Don’t lose sleep worrying if the buffet is big enough, if guests are going to starve or complain about the food. Nobody’s ever starved at a wedding, and what people think of the buffet is not that important. There will always be critics who think that there could have been more hot dishes or that the band was too loud. Do the best you can. You can’t please everyone. This is a valuable lesson to learn as you plan the wedding, and it will come in handy when you are married, too. Do your best and then let it go! Make yourself happy.

How involved your fiancé is in the wedding plans is also not something you can or should try to control. There are some who refuse to be left out of anything. This type will not be satisfied with interviewing one or two caterers or bands or photographers, he will want to see the half dozen who are the cream of the crop. He will agonize over picking the perfect wedding song and even take an interest in the floral arrangements. He wants it to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience because he doesn’t plan to get married again. He will be the same about the honeymoon, calling the best hotels for the honeymoon suites (which could probably accommodate a party of six) on a high floor with elegant views. He will make dinner reservations for the most intimate corner tables at the finest restaurants. Money will be no object, even if he doesn’t have much.

Be thrilled if your fiancé shows this much interest. Go along with his enthusiasm even if you’re not as into it as he is. Some brides are not as fortunate …

If your fiancé shows little or no interest in wedding plans, he thinks it’s a woman’s thing and goes along with ‘whatever’ – just as happy to exchange vows with just your immediate families and a few close friends in attendance and a vase of flowers in his studio flat – do not force him to get involved. Don’t analyse his indifference or nag him to be more involved, just accept that some men are simply not interested in the intricacies of a wedding, even their own. They will show up at the altar, but that’s about it. If this is the case, plan the wedding with your bridesmaids, family and friends.

As for disagreements, try to take them in your stride. Suppose you and your fiancé have different ideas about the size of the wedding? You want a big do, he wants a small one. You want a band, he wants a DJ. You want to hire a professional photographer, he wants to ask his friend Joe to take snapshots … you get the idea! Don’t throw tantrums, act like a diva and insist on having your way. Maybe a small wedding isn’t such a bad idea, especially if he’s trying to save money for buying a house and starting a family. Whatever his reasons, we think it’s important to listen and consider his point of view. Don’t impose your fairytale images of a lavish Cinderella wedding on him. Cut him some slack – he pursued you, proposed, bought you a ring and has made a commitment to spend the rest of his life with you. If you demand a big expensive wedding and he’s not into it, neither of you will be happy. Besides, bickering a lot before the wedding is not a fun way to walk down the aisle!

Rule 2
Continue to Be ‘a Creature Unlike Any Other’

When you are single, being ‘a creature unlike any other’ is all about looks and self-confidence. When you’re married, it’s not about being self-absorbed, but exuding a feminine touch – i.e. the ability to turn a house into a home.

Remember how we told you to wear short skirts and get weekly manicures when you were dating? Well, now that you’re married you can relax a little! Your husband is not looking for a beauty queen every day, but a warm, loving partner. So don’t think you have to prance about the house in a negligée and cover yourself in perfume from head to toe. It’s perfectly OK to hang out in a T-shirt, shorts and sandals with your hair in a ponytail – everyone we know does! You don’t have to look like a Hollywood starlet to have grace and style. It’s more important that you maintain composure and are organized about your home, your life, your kids, your work; that you’re not a wreck every time your husband comes home late or things go awry.

You’re neat, clean, responsible, loving and nice – that’s sexy. You’re not trying to compete with his 25-year-old secretary. You don’t have to wear fake eyelashes or nail extensions. Two coats of mascara and short, clean nails are fine. No need to look into liposuction or breast implants. Maybe you have 5 or 10 pounds to lose? That’s OK too. Your husband is not looking for a mannequin. He would rather you be nice than a supermodel.

On the other hand, don’t let yourself go. Don’t pack on 2 stone after the wedding or walk around the house all the time in oversized pyjamas looking like you just got out of bed. You take care of yourself. Try to exercise two to three times a week, to maintain your shape and energy level, and try to wear clothes that flatter your figure.

Wear your hair long even though it would be easier to wear it short. Long hair reminds you that you’re a woman, and your husband likes it long and you want to please him. Don’t walk around with dark roots; touch up any grey in your hair. You believe in helping Mother Nature. Brush your hair and wear a dab of makeup before leaving the house even to go to the supermarket. You never know whom you’ll run into.

But being a married ‘creature unlike any other’ is more about attitude and character than looks. We told you how to act confident and hold your head up high to attract a man in our first book, The Rules. Now we are telling you how to apply this way of being as a married woman to the rest of your life. Exactly what do we mean? Here are some examples:

 Maintain a positive attitude. It helps to be optimistic, not cynical – and to look at the glass as half-full. You still believe in love and marriage, even if some of your friends are divorced or this is your second marriage. You smile a lot. You’re easy to be with. You’re not a grievance-collector. You don’t hold grudges because you know that grudges hurt you more than the other person and add wrinkles and years to your life, so you don’t tolerate them for more than five minutes. You believe that good things happen to good people most of the time, so you try to be good. You don’t care if people think you are naïve. It makes you happy to think this way, and that’s what counts.

 If you work, do your work and go home. Don’t make work your whole life. You are balanced. You believe in family first, business second. Your priorities are straight, and you’re not jealous of what other people have or do.

 Don’t make mountains out of molehills. For example, if you trust your husband and he talks to an attractive woman at a party, don’t spend the entire car ride home grilling him about her. ‘So did you think she was pretty? If you were single, would you have asked her out?’ Leave him alone. Your husband is allowed to talk to another woman or find her attractive. It just means he’s a man and has eyes. Sometimes a married woman will call us to complain that her husband’s ex-girlfriend calls every few months or once a year just to say hello. She wants to know how she should handle this. We tell her to do nothing – the less you care, the better. As long as your husband is not the one calling his ex, there’s no problem. Some single women have a hard time letting go of a relationship and continue to call old boyfriends out of friendship or loneliness, but these men’s wives really have nothing to worry about.

 Be organized. When your child is sick, it’s better not to have to look in five places for aspirin and a thermometer. You have a medicine cupboard and it’s amply stocked. At this point in your life, your husband would rather see you wearing a T-shirt and gym shorts than high heels, so long as there’s plenty of Calpol in the house. Keep a pad of paper and pen next to every phone in the house, so you don’t have to leave people on hold every time you have to write something down. Don’t be a hoarder. After you read a magazine, throw it away. Things don’t fall out of your cupboard when you open the door. There is no rotten cheese in your refrigerator or stockings with ladders in them in your drawer. When a friend or your in-laws ring your door bell unexpectedly, you don’t have to pretend you’re not at home because the place is upside-down. You’re on top of things. You don’t have to frantically try on 15 outfits every time you go out because ‘nothing fits’. You stay in shape. You’re in control.

 Make an effort to be calm. Whether you practise yoga or meditation, the 12 Steps, read the Bible or go to temple on Saturday or church on Sunday, try to figure out a way to rise above the daily craziness of life, the trivialities, the petty annoyances. Stay centred, know that the daily discipline of exercise or prayer or whatever it is you do will give you the strength to get through everything, so you set aside the time to take care of yourself in this way. Hence, you don’t live from crisis to crisis. Your life is not a soap opera. You don’t let people or events ruin your serenity. You know that happiness comes from within.

 But you’re no evangelist. If you are into some self-improvement programme, are anti-fur, a vegan, an ex-smoker or ‘born again’, you are not trying to convert everyone you come into contact with. (Nobody likes zealots. They’re boring.) You know that you just have to live your life and not try to change anyone. You believe in live and let live – beginning with your husband and your children – and you are serene.

In the rest of this book, you will find ways to help you continue to be a married ‘creature unlike any other’.

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