Yes, Please. Whatever!
How to get the best out of your teenagers
Penny Palmano

The expert on modern manners

In memory of my god-daughter Clare

To Katherine, Sam and Fran You are all wonderful, please remain so…now about your rooms

Table of Contents

Cover Page

Title Page

Dedication

Photo

Foreword

Enjoy (at least try to)

One Turning Point

What teenagers really need

Two Love and Attention

Three Respect

Four Support

Five Communication

Good manners and behaviour

Six Table Manners

Seven Respectful Behaviour

Teenage affairs

Eight Relationships

Nine Major Teenage Issues

Ten Minor Teenage Issues

Glossary

Final Word

Acknowledgements

Copyright

About the Publisher

Photo

From left: Francesca, Katherine, Penny and Sam

Foreword

‘Manners maketh man.’ This was the title of an essay I was given by Mr Lloyd-Jones in the final year of primary school. It would not be an uncommon question to ask why an 11-year-old boy was given such a tough academic task. It was certainly not because I was an intellectual marvel. The truth is much more prosaic. I had stuck two fingers up to the retreating back of the football teacher for picking Paul Parberry instead of the goal machine who was Melanie Ashley. Unfortunately, I was spotted by the terrifying giant Lloyd-Jones. Watching someone being punished by the Head of Balsa Wood Creativity was great sport as we marvelled at his ability to pick up a boy (never a perfect girl of course) with his left arm, tuck him under his left armpit so that both gluteal muscles were in the optimal position for the bear’s paw that was stuck on to his right arm. I would have preferred this punishment: I had received it once and had found that as soon as you became desensitized to the tingling that moved in waves from your bottom to your toes it wasn’t too bad. But this punishment…this was serious. How on earth was I going to do this in the 24 hours I had been given?

I admit that it was the fear of what Lloyd-Jones would do to me the next day that led me to admit my crime to my mum in a halting, pathetic voice that evening. Instead of the wind-tunnel of noise which I expected, my mum listened quietly to my story. She said that my demonstration in disagreeing with the selection had indeed been wholly inappropriate and that she would have to tell my dad when he arrived home. In the meantime I was not allowed out, given extra chores and told not to worry about the essay. The next morning, at breakfast, my dad handed me eight full sheets of writing. Each sheet was covered in beautifully crafted words, many of which I had never read in any Enid Blyton book. This is what I handed to Mr Lloyd-Jones. He asked me had I written this: I said no I hadn’t. He accepted this statement without further comment. I found out much later in life that he had greatly admired the fact that, as a family, we had sorted out my problem.

It is an incident which is etched into my memory and has formed a basis for my approach in education and latterly in my parenting. It is an incident that brings together three important qualities: Trust, Honesty and Respect. These are traditional values which form a skeleton on which we can build a body of parenting skills. Ms Palmano’s book helps us all, as parents, to focus on how we can assemble a positive relationship with our children based on good common-sense. It’s also pretty useful for Headmasters!

Gregg Davies

Headmaster

Shiplake College

Henley-on-Thames

Enjoy (at least try to)

Just as I wanted to have well-behaved, polite children I could take out without running the risk of psychological help, I didn’t want confrontations, slamming doors, arguments and having to constantly apologize for their behaviour as teenagers. I like a sense of calm in our home and I wanted them to be charming and good company, not the stereotypical teenagers that are constantly maligned and sidelined as some sort of curious species to be constantly criticized, poked fun at and a constant source of amusement and derision.

And so many parents seem quite resigned to the fact that their own teenager’s opinions, sense of style, choice of friends, time-keeping and responsibilities is all part of a huge conspiratorial wind-up to test them to the limit.

Well, the good news is our children’s teenage years need not be a time of endless arguments, belligerence and aggression.

Your child’s transition from child to teenager should be welcomed and not dreaded as though you are about to make a pact with the devil and nurture a werewolf (although at times it may feel like that). Your children are reaching their final development stage, from that gorgeous little baby to who they are now with their own opinions and ideas. From the age of thirteen to eighteen you should delight in watching their ideas and thoughts mature. How your sixteen year old views the world, a totally different world to the one you knew at that age, is stimulating and even inspiring. Now’s the time you hear of their hopes for their future, from the thirteen year old determined to be a pop diva to the same child five years later who wants to go into medicine; this is a fantastic time.

The child who has reached the start of puberty is not some sort of alien but your beautiful little baby, who you sat up with all night and happily let vomit all over you. (And yes, this may well happen again but it probably won’t be milk!)

Their teenage behaviour is a barometer of how we dealt with them as children and how we deal with them now. So, always remember we only get the teenagers we deserve.

These final years will fly by (apart from on a few occasions) and soon your children will be gone – either to university, travelling, or out to work – and by then they have virtually left home. My daughter is now at university and sometimes I just go and throw wet towels on her bedroom floor to make it seem more like home.

So on the eve of your child’s thirteenth birthday when you kiss them goodnight, remembering what a darling child they have been and wondering what tomorrow and the next seven years will hold, don’t worry, relax, you can all enjoy it. Although admittedly some times will be more enjoyable than others!

One Turning Point

Teenagers are half adult and half child and the needs of both must be met, regardless of the fact that they think they are fully adult and you are simply there to fill their every need, as chauffeur, bank, clothing and music sponsor.

Three factors which affect teenage behaviour are puberty, the struggle for independence and their under-developed prefrontal cortex (part of their brain). Any of these on their own could cause problems but the three together makes a potent cocktail which needs to be handled with care. Throw in to the boiling cauldron peer pressure, exams and new relationships and you may start to understand why they feel frustrated, angry, moody and unreasonable.

puberty

Puberty brings with it raging hormones, and anyone who has ever experienced bad PMT will know what hormones can do (even men experience it because they are usually on the receiving end!). Irritability, aggression, irrationality and even depression are all symptoms of fluctuating hormones. So try and empathize with their feelings, imagine

‘Go out with my friend tonight? Why no. mother. I’d much rather sit here and agree with you.’

PMT with serious attitude and suddenly you’ll know how they’re feeling.

independence

When children become teenagers they enter another development stage of battling for their independence. It’s the final push to wean themselves off you and at times this can be very painful for parents. For the past twelve years they wanted to be with you, now they want to be on their own or with their friends. The key is to give teenagers more control over their own lives and a wider freedom of choice, while remaining supportive, reassuring, loving and still having boundaries in place.

the teenage brain

Now, in contrast to many parents’ popular belief, teenagers do actually have brains, it’s just that they don’t function like an adult’s and that’s not out of our children’s choice.

In the last ten years, neuroscientists have come up with some extremely interesting results which may go a long way towards explaining partly why our teenagers behave the way they do. For most of the past century, it has been assumed that the brain was fully mature by the time a child reached puberty and that teenage angst was caused by their need to assert their independence and fluctuating hormones.

Not unlike our adolescents’ changing body shape, different regions of the brain mature at different times and the prefrontal cortex, which has been likened to the brain police, does not fully develop until early twenties. This region of the brain checks all the information coming from other parts of the brain before releasing it. For instance, we might read something which will arouse a murderous rage in us, but the prefrontal cortex will come along and tell that part of the brain to ‘quieten down’.

As Karl Pibrab, the director of Brain Research and Informational Sciences at Radford University in Virginia, puts it, ‘The prefrontal cortex is the seat of civilization.’

So until the prefrontal cortex is fully developed, most teenagers don’t have the ability to make good judgements, control their emotions, prioritize, or multi-task, as in make the right decision between watching TV, ringing a friend, doing a chore they’ve been asked to do or finishing their homework. This means that they do not intentionally do the wrong thing just to wind parents up. As Richard Restak, a neuropsychiatrist and author of The Secret Life of the Brain said, ‘The teenage brain is a work in progress that we’re only beginning to understand.’ (So what chance do we have?!)

Work by Marvin Zuckerman, a professor of psychology, has found that new experiences, especially those with an element of risk, tap into a part of the teenager’s brain which links with emotional centres that produce feelings of intense pleasure. Add to that the research which shows that during adolescence, the temporary decline in the production of serotonin in their brain will probably make

‘It’s not my fault I haven’t done my English, washed up or let the dog out – it’s my under-developed prefrontal cortex!’

them act more impulsively, and you may begin to realize why our adolescents might still jump into a car with a friend who’s had a drink despite our warnings.

Finally, findings of Francine Benes, a neuroscientist, show that one of the last developments of the adult brain is the nerve coating called myelin, which acts like the insulation on an electric cord, allowing electrical impulses to travel down a nerve quicker and more efficiently. That is why a toddler is less co-ordinated than a ten year old. But this process may not be complete until their early twenties. Some of these nerves that become sheathed during adolescence connect regions of the brain that control emotion, judgement and impulse control. This happens earlier in girls than boys, which probably explains why girls are more emotionally mature than boys, whose myelin levels may not reach the same level until the age of thirty. (Thirty? Surely scientists mean seventy!)

Healthy Sources of Stimulation

Trying new experiences is a normal and healthy part of growing up, and as parents we need to try and encourage fairly safe sources of stimulation. Where one child may find it in a drama production at school, another will prefer the excitement of a BMX trick bike, and some children will be lucky enough to go skiing, or diving. Unfortunately, many children don’t have the option or encouragement to find a sport or interest to stimulate them, and resort to crime or drugs.

So try and encourage your teenagers to take up new interests if they don’t already have any.

The good news is that if all this scientific research is proven over a length of time, even very troubled teenagers can still learn good judgement and restraint.

Anyway, even if all this scientific research is absolutely correct, it’s best we don’t let our teenagers know, otherwise every time we ask them why they haven’t done their homework or cleared the dishes, they’ll reply, ‘But it’s not my fault, mum, it’s my under-developed prefrontal cortex!’

Where does it all go wrong?

No teenagers are perfect, and to be honest if you had a fifteen-year-old daughter who sat at home every evening wearing the sensible clothes you had chosen, never rang or went out with her friends, agreed with your every opinion, never experimented with her hair and make-up, only listened to your music and kept her room perfect, would you be deliriously happy or seriously worried? Believe me, you should be seriously worried.

Adolescents are at the crossroads between being an adult and a child and it is highly frustrating for them (and you). It is a time when they realize they can be independent from their parents yet still need their guidance, love and support, not that they’ll ever consciously accept that fact. All teenagers want to be adults but don’t have the maturity to master adult behaviour. They will often act childishly yet take umbrage if treated like one. And teenagers positively luxuriate in a world of non-responsibility; they can sit in front of a TV all day without a care in the world, make themselves sandwiches and leave the bread, filling and plates all over the kitchen.

Adolescence is a time of experimentation, and difficulties arise when parents lose the balance between allowing their teenagers to experience their new independence whilst still setting boundaries.

Trusting your teenagers is the key to their self-respect and respect of you. Most conflicts between parents and teenagers will stem from small, simple matters, such as getting in late, school work, untidy bedrooms and not helping around the house; all issues which can be settled with negotiation and compromise. Teenagers only rebel when they have something to rebel against.

Parents simply cannot parent teenagers the same way they necessarily parented them as children; their behaviour must change if they want to change their teenager’s behaviour.

For the past twelve years parents have guided and nurtured their children and now they have to step back in some areas. Although we are still there for love and support we must let our children learn new life skills, so we have to stop being over-protective or over-guiding in coping with every day problems. But teenagers still need boundaries as adolescence is a very confusing time and knowing their limits is comforting, although they may well occasionally cross them. Teenagers who are not given boundaries will be unhappy and feel depressed, although outwardly they would argue otherwise.

Many parents find it difficult to understand that, just because their adolescents choose to spend more time with their friends than they do with their family, they don’t love them any less. They will love and respect us far more for accepting they are now independent of constant parental supervision and given more responsibility to prove it. Parents also find it difficult to adjust to the emotional distance some teenagers put between them, but again this is not because their love for their parents has changed, they are in their own way weaning themselves off us. Teenagers still seek their parents’ approval and if parents are constantly criticizing them they will seek approval elsewhere. Adolescents will not turn to parents who constantly say, ‘No,’ routinely judge, order, criticize or are not open to negotiation.

Aggression – Yours!

There will be times when your frustration and anger boil over, your heart rate shoots up and you want to shout and scream and even shake or hit them. ‘How could they have done that?’ ‘Why don’t they ever do as they are asked?’ ‘Why don’t they ever think of anyone but themselves?’ ‘Why do they have to leave such a bloody mess everywhere?’ Overload can be sparked by the smallest issue, even a look or a shrug. First, it’s normal to feel like this, you’re a parent not Francis of Assisi. You have your own anxieties and stress from other parts of your life which will obviously overflow into how you deal with your teenagers on some days. When you get to overload, lock yourself in your bedroom, lie on the bed or go outside and take a five minute break. Take some deep breaths, look at a few photos of your teens when they were young children and smile, hard as this may seem. You might even have a good cry with the frustration of it all – well don’t worry, you’re not alone, we all feel like that sometimes. And don’t feel guilty that you felt so mad you wanted to become physical; it was just anger. But it is much better to get yourself back under control before you tackle them over an issue. You can always resort to honesty, ‘Come here and give me a hug to remind me why I love you, otherwise I may have to kill you.’

different priorities

Accept it, teenagers have different priorities to us. They are suddenly not very organized, or good time-keepers, their room is a mess, school is boring. Two things prioritize adolescents’ minds: themselves and their friends.

‘All you ever think about is yourself!’ parents can be heard spitting at their teenagers. And to a point they’re right, but they may as well shout, ‘You’re going through adolescence!’ Teenagers do think about themselves, they do become more self-centred as they try and work out where they fit in, but messages are confusing, they live in a world that is constantly telling them to grow-up, but usually in a home where they are being treated like children. Society expects them to act in an adult way and yet nearly everything adult is illegal. They are very self-conscious of their changing shapes and voices, they feel insecure and the most important thing to them is fitting in with their friends. Above all, teenagers today need to feel they belong to a group. The group of friends they will be attracted to will be the group with the same interests in music, films, football, bands or whatever. And although they want to be individual they are very happy to conform to the code of dress or behaviour of their group of friends.

There are more pressures for this generation of teenagers than ever before: broken homes, drugs, academic achievement, alcohol and sex. And it is our generation that has inflicted this confused, pressurized attitude upon them.

With all this going on, they will naturally start to think more about themselves.

Today’s teenagers are blamed for being too materialistic and a generation of consumers, but to a point whose fault is that? When we were growing up we got presents on birthdays and at Christmas, but this generation of children seem to have something new every few weeks, whether it’s from parents who feel guilty at working long hours or who gave in too easily to their pleadings for a new DVD.

rule breakers

Teenagers love to experiment and cross boundaries. They want to show us that they are free of our control and in charge of their own lives. Suddenly, an adult world and everything that is associated with it, smoking, drinking, staying out late, porn movies, sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll are within arm’s length (just remember these were even exciting to us once).

Very few children get through their teenage years without breaking the law in some way or another, like underage drinking, fake IDs, smoking, and some even get involved in more serious crimes such as stealing or drugs. But the good news is that statistically, teenage criminal behaviour seems to peak at around 17 and then disappear by adulthood.

‘Wot?’

The bad news is, as parents you will have to live through this.

Adolescents break the law to appear grown up, to fit in with their peers, to impress their friends and, depending on your attitude, sometimes just to show you how independent and adult they are becoming, so the more you disapprove the more rebellious they may become.

They have to start making their own choices and decisions and finding out the consequences of certain actions. This is all part of finding out their identity and should be encouraged and supported, as trying to quash it will lead to huge ructions.

different types of parents

Have we all got such short memories that we have forgotten what we were like as teenagers? Or more to the point, are we horrified at the thought our own children will behave the way we did at that age? Now that is scary.

Depending on your age (and preference), your teenage years may have passed head-banging to Jimi Hendrix, The Doobie Brothers or the Bay City Rollers (okay, it’s true, you can’t head-bang to them). Whichever it was, I can pretty much guarantee that at some point a parent was shouting at you to ‘turn that bloody music down’, and we promised ourselves that when we had children we would never behave like that. We were all positive back then that we would always play music at decibels that left your head ringing. So what happened? We finally turned the music down, not because our parents told us to, but because it was too loud and we finally grew up. Your children will, too; the way they act and behave as adolescents is not how they will be as adults (hooray!).

So you’re probably wondering why we all have to go through five years of stress. It is often reasoned that teenagers need to argue and battle with their parents on their journey to becoming an adult. Perhaps so, but is it really necessary to make everyone’s life a total misery in the process? No.

It’s all about the struggle for control – parents have it and children want it. It’s the way we the parents deal with it that will make the difference to everyone’s behaviour and sanity.

Parents’ handling of their teens basically falls into one of five different categories. It’s not rocket science to choose which one to aim for.

The Angry Parents

Their teens’ behaviour drives parents to distraction and they resort to shouting, ordering, lecturing and saying such things as, what a disappointment they are, how bad or selfish they are, and asking what they did to deserve them.

‘Stay calm!’

RESULT

Shouting at a teenager will produce one result: being shouted back at. Ordering will result in arguments, slamming doors, complete defiance and walking out. These parents are heading for a complete breakdown of communication with their adolescent. And constantly telling anyone – child, teen or adult – how bad they are will usually end up a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The Controlling Parents

These are parents who never let their teens take control of any part of their lives. They resist letting them take any responsibility or suffering any consequences for their actions.

RESULT

These teens grow up unable to make decisions or lead totally independent lives from their parents. If they are not allowed to learn that there are consequences for certain actions they will be incapable of accepting responsibility for their behaviour, creating complete nightmare adults.

The Abandoning Parents

When teens start to push away from their parents, these parents are more than happy to let them go, believing that their parenting days are over. These teenagers are left floundering with no support or guidance. They can see who they want, when they want and come and go with little to no supervision.

‘Now, darling, when you’re out tonight, I don’t want you to smoke or drink.’

RESULT

Hands-off parenting can have devastating results. It doubles the risk of teens smoking, taking drugs and drinking. The lack of loving, caring, supportive parents (or parent) can lead to violence, depression, anxieties and even mental health problems.

The Over-indulgent Parents

These parents did not put enough boundaries in place when their teenagers were children and gave them everything they wanted except positive attention and discipline. They run around after them and think their only needs are chauffeuring and money, which they satisfy generously.

RESULT

Teenagers are very disrespectful of their parents in the way they treat them and talk to them. These adolescents need proper communication with their parents instead of an open cheque book.

The Respectful Parents

These parents respect their teens by listening, setting boundaries, compromising, trusting, supporting and encouraging. These adolescents are given responsibility but are also taught that there are consequences to their actions.

RESULT

Teens who have a close bond with both or one parent and feel trusted, loved and supported, will usually have excellent relationships with their parents. (This fact has actually been proven by research into teenage behaviour.) These children will be able to experiment with their new independence and will develop and flourish within this supportive framework.

There are a few basics that every parent of a teenager should remember:

 Keep calm. If necessary, take several deep breaths before answering your teen’s requests. Above all, avoid shouting.

 Don’t be drawn into arguments, learn to bite your lip and walk away rather than have to get the last word in.

 Compromise and negotiate where possible to avoid using the word, ‘No’; when you have to say it, mean it, and don’t be bullied into changing your mind.

 Always try and use example to highlight issues rather than telling them outright.

 Avoid sarcasm.

 Keep a sense of humour, laughter is very de-stressing.

 Try and rephrase questions, such as, ‘Have you done your homework yet?’ to the less controlling, ‘How’s the homework coming on?’When the going gets tough: sit down with a glass of wine and remember how gorgeous they were at 5!

 Give them responsibility over their own behaviour wherever possible.

 Tell them you trust them to do the right thing.

 Try and be enthusiastic and positive about their friends, opinions and hopes.

 Avoid saying in any form, ‘I told you so.’ It’s smug and unnecessary; after all, you should know better, you are the parent.

 Remember they still need your physical affection, just never show it in front of their friends.

 Try and empathize with what’s going on in their head.

 Try and avoid constantly arguing with your partner in front of your children.

 Do not burden them with all your problems.

 Keep a supply of well-chilled wine in the fridge.

But above all, don’t be scared to parent your teenager, they need you now more than ever.

What teenagers really need

What teenagers really need is love, respect, trust, support, understanding, encouragement and responsibility, and not the TV, computer, DVD, iPod, wardrobe full of designer clothes and unlimited allowance as they would lead you to believe.

The best way to help support your children through adolescence is to be involved in what’s happening in their lives and talk to them on a daily basis. Even as teenagers your children need physical affection from you and they will still learn from example, so make sure you’re always setting a good one.

Now that your teenagers are leading more independent lives you are less likely to be with them to demonstrate how they should behave. If you simply try and tell them a

These are what they think they need

list of dos and don’ts they will see you as being too controlling and probably ignore your advice.

The most successful way to convey your opinions and expectations of their behaviour is by introducing different subjects into conversations. The car or dinner table are best for keeping their undivided attention.

Use examples of other teenagers’ behaviour, or use something you’ve read or experienced, or simply put dilemmas to them to see what their reaction would be. For instance, ‘I was on the train the other day and there were four teenagers sitting together, swearing loudly, eating hamburgers and chips that stank the carriage out, and then they left their rubbish on their seat when they left. They were an absolute disgrace, everyone in the carriage was disgusted with them.’ ‘How do you know we don’t behave like that on the train?’ ‘I know you know how to behave and I don’t believe that you would let yourselves or me down like that. I have every faith in you to do the right thing.’

By using examples to get your point across, your children learn how you feel about issues and how you would expect them to react or behave in similar circumstances. It also offers them the opportunity to ask hypothetical questions.

For example, ‘You’ll never believe this, I read in the paper the other day that a sixteen year old had slept with this boy and lied she was on the pill, as she hoped if she got pregnant he would become her regular boyfriend. How sad is that?’ Daughters will usually be prompted to ask, ‘What would you say if I said I was pregnant?’ ‘Well, first darling, I would hope that you would wait until you are a bit older than sixteen and definitely in a long-term relationship, then do the sensible thing, use contraception. But what a shame that poor girl was so naive to think that getting pregnant or having sex with someone is going to make him like her more. Boys will nearly always have sex with girls if it’s on offer, but when they know a girl is that easy they seldom want her as a girlfriend.’ ‘But if the contraception didn’t work and I was pregnant, would you throw me out?’

‘There is nothing you could do that would make me throw you out, but I obviously wouldn’t be delighted for your sake. It would restrict your future options so much, but if it happened we would work it out. You know you can always talk to me about anything, especially things that worry you.

Obviously the way you conduct your life and treat people will have just as big an impact on your teenager’s behaviour as what you say.

And they need all the following probably more now than at any other time during their lives so far:

 Love and attention

 Respect

 Support

 Communication

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