Copyright

Thorsons

An Imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF

The website address is: www.harpercollins.co.uk

and Thorsons are trademarks of HarperCollinsPublishers Limited

First published by Panic Publishing (UK) 2004

This edition published by Thorsons 2005

© Penny Palmano 2005

Illustrations: © Katherine Palmano 2004

Penny Palmano asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

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Source ISBN 9780007202997

Ebook Edition © FEBRUARY 2015 ISBN: 9780008138394

Version: 2015-11-09

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Dedication

For my motherwho has always been a wonderful example

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

The story so far …

Foreword

Introduction

1 The Buck Stops Here

2 How the Wrong Foods Can Affect Children’s Behaviour, Health and IQ

What Children Really Need

3 Love

4 Discipline

5 Attention

6 Communication

7 Routine, Continuity and Consistency

8 Example

9 Respect

Good Manners

10 How to Behave in Public

11 Simple (but Extremely Important) Courtesies

12 How to Behave at School

13 How to Survive Christmas

Work and Child Care

14 Working Parents

15 Child Care – How You Can Still Be in Control

Final Word

Acknowledgements

About the Publisher

The story so far …

When we self-published Yes, please. Thanks! in June 2004 it caused such a media frenzy that we were taken completely by surprise. Unfortunately, we were also totally unprepared; so unprepared that the book was still at the printers! I had always hoped that we would get some coverage in newspapers and magazines but I never imagined it would make national news.

It all started back in February when my friend and neighbour Jacqui McCarthy, of d’Image Ltd, organized an interview for me with the social-affairs editor of The Times (a neighbour with a PR company and a villa in the South of France – they don’t come any better than that!).

The social-affairs editor had kindly asked me roughly when I would like the article (which I had not seen) to run. I had a cunning plan that if it was published two weeks before the book was first in the shops, my distributors could use the article to sell it to a great deal more outlets. Then, when the book finally hit the shops I would contact the likes of Jeremy Vine, This Morning and Richard and Judy, show them the article and beg and plead with them to let me come and discuss it on their shows. Best laid plans…

Monday, 31 May, Bank Holiday, 10.45 pm

The phone rings. My son Sam answers it and tells me it’s a reporter from the Daily Mail. I naturally assume it’s a friend winding me up but, as it turns out, it is a reporter who says he is reading about Yes, please. Thanks! in the first edition of The Times and would like to ask me some questions. I ask him what size the article is and whether it is pro the book. He tells me there is a double-page spread about the book with supporting articles and it is very pro the subject. I am speechless, but only momentarily as I have to go and wake up the rest of the family to tell them. We are all so excited it takes me ages to get to sleep.

Tuesday, 1 June, 7 am

I am woken by Radio Five Live asking if I could get to the nearest BBC radio station, which is in Reading, within the hour for a live interview and phone in. I immediately agree. Fortunately, it’s half-term and for the first time in years the children get up early on a non-school day to come and support me. After the show I am immediately informed that the Jeremy Vine Show has been on the phone, and could I do a live interview at lunchtime? Oh yes, please. On leaving the studio I rang home to be told, ‘The world has gone mad! Who do you want first, Sky News, Richard and Judy, This Morning, BBC Breakfast, Daily Mirror, Daily Mail, Woman’s Hour…?’ We simply couldn’t believe it.

But horror of horrors, live TV!? I’m not prepared, I haven’t got anything to wear, I’m having a bad-hair day and there is no time to do anything about it. Even worse, if you can imagine anything worse, the book was not yet in the shops.

From then on it was a marketing dream and a publisher’s nightmare. Incredible national coverage, but no books and our publishing name, Panic Publishing, was not listed anywhere. Our printers, Unwin Bros, were wonderful and worked overtime to get it to our distributors, Gazelle Book Services, in record time, who immediately sent it out to shops and wholesalers. Finally, we were home and dry, or so I thought. Oh, how little I knew. Two weeks later I was still receiving press and doing regional radio interviews, but the book was only just filtering in to the mainstream shops. I had never considered or calculated the time it would take to get from the distributor, sometimes via wholesalers and warehouses, to bookshelves.

The Greatest Reward

Although the media coverage was more than I could ever have hoped for, the reaction to the book from parents was my personal reward. One mother, who tried and tested the book, wrote about her success in the ‘Femail’ section of the Daily Mail which was a far better recommendation for the book than anything I could ever have written. This was the purpose of writing it, to help guide parents to having better-behaved and well-mannered children.

…and Finally in Safe Hands

The final chapter of my publishing adventure came with a call from Carole Tonkinson at HarperCollins asking if they could take over the publishing of the book and re-launch it in April 2005. It was received with open arms. And just as I am going to let their experience help me, I hope you will let my experience help you.

Foreword

When Penny told me of her intention to write a book on children’s manners and respect, I immediately thought of her son’s progress through my school. If anyone better typified what can be done with good manners and respect then I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing them yet. So, a little like a top chef giving advice on recipes, there is the instinctive confidence in the fact that Penny knows what she is talking about (and she is also a great cook!). The premise of this book is the desire to show parents what can be achieved, if they are willing to invest a little time and a great deal of consistency in the upbringing of their children. Parenting skills have noticeably declined over the years, as is evident in some of the behaviour witnessed in school, where seemingly the only guidance children have comes from the environment that surrounds them for their time at school. While the much more relaxed relationships between adults and children is to be commended and welcomed, the lack in many young children of the basic tenets of good manners and respect is highly regrettable. They are surrounded by poor examples in the society in which they live. Much of the television they watch or the music they listen to and even their heroes and idols offer them scant guidance as to how best to behave, and the void that has opened between what used to be taken for granted and what is now accepted is a worrying trend.

The beauty of this book is there is something for everyone and there should be no fixed point at which people reading it need to start. Much will come down to personal preference and the kind of children that you want to raise. However, if good manners and respect still mean something to you, the sagacity of the following chapters will provide you with an invaluable resource as you embark on the most difficult and rewarding journey that any adult can take – namely the fostering of a partnership with your offspring that is abiding and enriching and equips them with life skills that will shape and mark them as worthy individuals.

Keith Young

HEADMASTER

WESTBROOK HAY SCHOOL,

HEMEL HEMPSTEAD, HERTS.

Introduction

Firstly, I must point out that I am not a child ‘expert’; I am simply a mother who decided that if I was going to have children, they were going to be well-behaved, polite children that I could be proud of.

My experience with other children came from working as a nanny, teaching children to ski and then looking after children while their parents skied at a chalet business I ran with my first husband for six years. The one thing I learnt from all the different children I looked after, including my own, is that all children respond to love and laughter, and to kind, calm and firm guidance.

Call me old-fashioned but I like children to be well-mannered, have good table manners and be polite and respectful. I wanted to have children that I could take out in the knowledge that if we went to a restaurant their behaviour would not give me severe indigestion and apoplexy, even if the food and service did.

My children, like so many these days, did not have the benefit of the traditional Mum and Dad situation as I separated from their father when they were small. So from a young age they had to experience living with their single working mother, moving away from family and friends, changing schools, then a step-father, step-sister, new family, new home, new school, new life. Changes and new challenges just make a parent’s job tougher, but they do not excuse us from teaching manners, politeness and social skills to our children.

Newspapers, teachers, nannies and even grandparents (when they’re not too busy spending our inheritance!) bemoan the fact that children seem to be in control of their parents, and to be honest, in many cases they are right. But strangely enough, little guidance seems to be forthcoming to these parents (who we imagine would prefer it otherwise).

There have been so many conflicting ideas about parenting over the past 40 years that mothers don’t know whether to congratulate their child on being expressive when they pour tomato sauce into their favourite, treasured Gucci shoes or take them for psychological counselling. (Psychological counselling? Surely I mean adoption!)

The word ‘No’ appears to be politically incorrect and is almost obsolete in parenting today. Everything must be discussed. Discuss? With a toddler? Gentle discipline and explanation, yes. But discuss?Has the world gone mad?

I’m not Mother Earth. In fact, when I found out I was pregnant I asked my GP if I could have a general anaesthetic for the birth and suggested being kept under for the next eighteen years. Thankfully, he refused because I would have missed out on eighteen wonderful years and, yes, obviously a few nightmares along the way.

Our children are now 15, 16 and 18 and I can honestly say that they have (mostly) been a joy to have around – loving, funny, polite, very well-mannered, respectful and popular with their own and our friends. They help around the house (when asked, not usually voluntarily), though I must mention the time they cleared up after our Christmas party unprompted (after their parents and 50-plus friends had called it a night). What angels. My sister-in-law says they are the bench mark that all children should be judged by. High praise, indeed. Perfect? Of course not! They don’t keep their rooms tidy and they wouldn’t know how to pick up a wet towel off their bedroom floor if their life depended on it. But in the big picture, does it matter?

Our responsibility as parents is to teach our children discipline, manners, respect and social skills so they will develop into well-adjusted, happy young adults. It’s no surprise that children who are taught these qualities are higher achievers at school, make friends more easily and are more popular with their teachers and other adults.

There are no set rules for bringing up children – how can there be when they are all individual? Bringing up families can and should be fun and I hope this advice will help you enjoy your children to the full. It’s hard to enjoy your children when you’re constantly berating and arguing with them, but it needn’t be that way.

Bringing up children is 90 per cent common sense and 10 per cent struggling through, although there are many, many times when these percentages seem to completely swap places! So, I hope this book helps you get started or puts you back on the right track. It will not answer every question or solve every problem but it will help you end up with happy, confident and trustworthy children you can justifiably be really proud of and make your life as a parent much easier and less stressful.

Good luck. It’s worth it!

one
The Buck Stops Here

Everything we buy these days comes with hard and fast care instructions. Whether it’s a pair of knickers or a frying pan we are told exactly how to look after them.

But a child doesn’t come with instructions. We simply leave home one day and return with a small human life which is totally dependent on us for love, food, comfort, education, clothing, a home, and for being brought up to be a well-balanced, well-behaved, well-adjusted, confident individual. WHAT? The responsibility of it all is enough to make any parent break out in a sweat and lay down in a darkened room with a large, nerve-calming drink.

So is it simply good luck if we have well-behaved children who are a delight to be around, or incredibly bad luck that we end up with uncontrollable, rude, disrespectful little ‘horrors’ that are a constant nightmare and embarrassment to us?

Let’s face it, how many times have we thought or said about someone else’s children:

‘Why on earth does she let those children do that?’ ‘Just as long as they don’t bring those ghastly children.’ ‘Did you see the way that child was eating?’

Imagine if these comments were directed at your own children. Now don’t panic, even if you suspect they already have been, and don’t criticize or label yourself a bad parent and accept things the way they are – just address the problem. Get back in control.

The good news is that all children can be brought up to be well-behaved, well-mannered, polite and respectful, regardless of their personality or character. Obviously, all children are different and a very strong-willed child may need a stronger sense of his boundaries than a calmer, quieter child but both can be equally well-behaved and a credit to their parents.

But How?

Teaching good behaviour, manners and respect starts almost from day one. The way we are with our children from the very early days will start to form and mould the way they are going to behave. So basically, it’s easier if we don’t let them get into bad habits and then try and correct them. It is so much easier, for everyone concerned, if they learn everything the right way from the beginning, not dissimilar to puppy training.

For example, if we take a puppy to training classes as early as possible, it will learn to walk correctly on a lead, sit and stay when told. But if we don’t train it from an early age, by the time we realize our dog is uncontrollable and we decide to start teaching him, our problems have multiplied tenfold. That old saying, ‘One word from me, and he does as he likes’, can equally be said about some children.

The sooner you start the easier it is.

Manners and Respect in the 21st Century – Why We Still Need Them

Manners, respect and simple courtesies should be second nature to everyone. They should not be considered as some sort of optional extra, as if we were deciding whether to have an electric sun-roof or tinted glass in a new car. They are as important as the steering wheel! And manners are not just about saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’; they show a consideration for our fellow man and are a condition of a civilized society. They are the oil that smoothes the machinery of society.

The acid test of our children’s behaviour is how others perceive it. Their social education is as important as their academic one. As someone once said, manners are worth another A-level. You are actually disadvantaging your children if you don’t teach them, so come on, put in that time and effort. After all, don’t they deserve the best?

two
How the Wrong Foods Can Affect Children’s Behaviour, Health and IQ

There’s no point trying to teach your children how to behave when the food and drink they are consuming are working against you both. It’s like wanting a good night’s sleep but drinking a gallon of Turkish coffee an hour before bedtime! It simply isn’t going to happen.

The Scary Facts

Most children eat far too many fast-food products, pre-prepared meals, processed foods, fizzy drinks, snacks, sweets, biscuits and cakes, and almost all of these products may contain some type of food colouring, preservative, salt and sugar. These additives are a kind of ‘food makeover’, disguising poor nutritional food with colour and artificial flavour to make it more attractive to children.

But the increased consumption of these foods and the decline in the foods which are good for children, such as fresh vegetables, fruit, fish, meat and cheese, has sadly begun to take its toll. Hyperactivity, moodiness, obesity, long-term health problems and poor intellectual performance can all be connected to a poor diet.

Behaviour and Food

For years, parents have voiced their concern about the possible link between food colourings, preservatives and behavioural changes in their children, but the food manufacturers and government have been constantly dismissive, claiming their theories lacked scientific evidence.

However, results from the first UK government-sponsored study have shown that children who were given colourings and preservatives were reported by their parents to be ‘fiddling with objects’, ‘disturbing others’, and having ‘difficulty settling down to sleep’, ‘difficulty concentrating’ and ‘temper tantrums’.

The researchers further claimed that if the problem additives and preservatives were removed from children’s diets, hyper-activity would be reduced from 1 in 6 children to 1 in 17.

Health and Food

In this health-conscious, diet-addicted era in which we now live, during the past ten years there has been a 70 per cent increase in obesity among three-and four-year-olds. Obesity in three-to four-year-olds? If this doesn’t ring alarm bells, what will? And if that isn’t scary enough, it is now recognized that obesity leads to increased risk of heart disease and diabetes.

The cause is quite simply a poor diet and lack of exercise.

Poor Diet

Although children enjoy eating crisps, sweets, snacks and processed foods, and however quick and convenient they may be for the parents, these foods are the worst culprits.

Too much salt

Too much salt will withdraw calcium from the body which children urgently need to develop strong bones, teeth and nails. It will also increase the risk of osteoporosis, asthma, stroke, heart attack, water retention and raised blood pressure in later life.

The maximum recommended intake of salt per day is:

0–6 months | less than 1mg
7–12 months | 1g
1–3 years | 2g
4–6 years | 3g
7–10 years | 5g
11–14 years | 6g

An average 7–10-year-old’s daily diet may include:

Breakfast | 40g cornflakes | 1g
Lunch | Ham sandwich (white bread) | 1.85g
| Processed-cheese portion | 0.50g
| Packet crisps | 0.50g
Snack | 2 chocolate biscuits | 0.33g
Supper | Children’s portion pizza | 4.1g
| Portion chips | 2g
Total Salt Intake |  | 10.28g

That is over twice as much as the recommended allowance and does not include any salt added at the table.

Most food packaging says how much sodium is in the product. To calculate how much salt that is, multiply the amount of sodium by 2.5. Example: 1g sodium = 2.5g salt.

Too much sugar

For years we have known that sugar has disastrous effects on children’s teeth and contributes towards obesity. But it is also a stimulant which affects children’s blood-sugar levels, producing short bursts of energy or hyperactivity followed by an immediate low, which can manifest itself in moodiness or difficult behaviour and a craving for more sugar.

The brain chemicals which affect people’s moods, including depression, are called serotonin and beta endorphins. Doctors now believe that there is a direct link between glucose (what pure white sugar breaks down into in our bodies) and these chemicals.

An excess of white sugar can change the normal biochemical ‘pathways’ of both, resulting in moody, unmanageable and disruptive children who make everyone’s life a misery, including their own. Products made mainly from pure white flour will also convert into pure sugar in the body with the same effect.

A can of cola contains both sugar and caffeine, combining two stimulants. If children drink a can at lunchtime the caffeine will still be in their system by the evening and we know what that means – T-R-O-U-B-L-E. These poor children will not be able to sit still at school or around the dinner table and will find it difficult to fall asleep. Be on the safe side and avoid all sugary foods at suppertime, offering fruit as an alternative dessert or snack.

To reduce children’s intake of sugar take the sugar bowl off the table and be in charge of the amount they can have. Gradually reducing the sugar on their cereals and in their diet will go unnoticed but will make a significant difference to their overall consumption.

Schools that have removed vending machines selling sugar-laden snacks and drinks and replaced them with fresh fruit and water or fruit juice have reported that attention rates have improved and that problem children are much calmer as a result.

Give your children fresh or dried fruit, water and juices (check the sugar content) as snacks and leave the sweet snacks and drinks for the odd occasion or use them on a reward basis occasionally. As an alternative to canned fizzy drinks, dilute fruit concentrates with a fizzy mineral water. Your children’s tastes will adapt to their healthy diet and although they will still enjoy sweet products they will find many unnaturally sweet.

Fats

Much has been written about fats in the body. It is now widely recognized and accepted that the body does need fat and that there are both good and bad fats.

Good fats

The brain is composed of 60 per cent fat and needs an abundance of fatty acids from our diet to function effectively. Essential fatty acids are the good fats. They are found in oily fish such as mackerel, tuna, herring, sardines and salmon, and nuts, seeds and cold-pressed oils. These fatty acids are essential for the normal development of the brain, eyes and nervous system. New research from Oxford University has indicated that many children suffering from dyslexia, dyspraxia and ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder) which affect children’s ability to listen, think, speak, sit still and write are suffering from a dietary deficiency of fatty acids.

Bad fats

However, most processed foods, fried foods and convenience foods contain trans fats. Trans fats are formed by hydrogenating oils in order to improve their shelf-life and flavour. Trans fats alter the brain chemistry and block the production of the essential fatty acids.

Always Read the Label

Until the food industry starts to reduce the amount of salt, sugar, preservatives and additives in their products, always read the label.

Even some foods that proudly claim on their labels ‘NO artificial sweeteners’ and ‘NO preservatives’ may still have added colourings.

Steer well clear of the following colourings: Tartrazine E102, Sunset Yellow E110, Carmoisine E122, Ponceau 4R E124. Also avoid preservatives such as Sodium Benzoate E211, saturated fats and anything ‘Hydrogenated’.

‘But My Children Love Fizzy Drinks and Snacks’

There is nothing wrong with the occasional packet of crisps or a fizzy drink, but they should not be part of the daily diet. If we keep sugar-laden drinks, high-fat snacks and sweets in the house, the temptation for our children to ask/moan/beg for them is quite natural. So to avoid having any confrontation, only buy them when you want them, perhaps for a weekend. Quite simply, if these products are not in the house, there is no issue, and everyone is much healthier and happier all round.

Getting Off to a Good Start – Breakfast

The British Nutrition Foundation urges all parents to ensure that their children eat breakfast to improve their performance at school. Researchers have reported that foods with a low glycemic index (GI) are far better for your children than foods with a high glycemic index. But, as we all have busy lives to lead, I’ll cut to the chase. Wholegrain breads, porridge, muesli and high-fibre cereals are good (low GI). Cereals such as cornflakes or chocolate-flavoured cereals and white bread are not good (high GI).

Children who eat a low-GI breakfast will be less hungry at lunchtime and less likely to want to snack between meals.

Children who eat a high-GI breakfast will have an initial energy boost then feel sluggish. They will be hungrier by lunchtime and are far more likely to snack.

Research on children aged 9–16 given sugar-laden snacks for breakfast (simple carbohydrates) showed levels of performance equivalent to 70-year-olds!

Healthy breakfasts may include a combination of the following: smoothies (yogurt and fruit shakes), fresh milkshakes with fruit, wholegrain toast with peanut butter or a banana, a boiled egg, fresh fruit, high-fibre cereal and fruit juice, milk or water to drink.

Exercise

Try and get your children to exercise as often as possible. By restricting your children’s TV and computer time it should be easier to get them outside, whether it’s for a game of frisbee in the park or walking to the shops. If they enjoy sport, encourage them to join a local club.

Invest in a battery-operated dance mat or one which plugs into the PC or Playstation; children will dance away for hours following the ‘right steps’.

The School Run

So many children are chauffeured everywhere these days that the opportunity to walk has been severely curtailed. Sadly, as a result of today’s society, parents are also concerned about the risk their children may be exposed to by walking in public. One solution is to drive part of the way to school and to walk the remainder with your child.

Teenagers’ Eating Habits

If children grow up aware that their mothers have been perpetually trying new diets, weighing themselves and commenting on their weight, they may well grow up with the same anxieties which can lead to eating disorders.

Growing teenagers are permanently hungry and are happy to continually graze on snacks throughout the day (the expression ‘eating me out of house and home’ springs to mind), so rather than fill the cupboards with sugar-laden, high-fat snacks, make sure that there are plenty of healthy snacks in the house, like fresh fruit, dried fruit, nuts, seeds, plain biscuits, brown wholegrain bread and fillings for sandwiches and toasties. If you buy crisps, choose the low-fat variety.

Home-cooking and eating as a family around the table is the easiest way to make sure the family has a good nutritional evening meal, and a way of seeing exactly what your teenager is eating.

Comfort Foods

We’ve all been there, feeling low and depressed. The first thing we do is hit the biscuit tin then feel more depressed that we ate most of the contents. As we would much prefer our children to never turn to food for comfort, try to avoid giving them treat foods as a consolation when they are growing up. Try and start a new regime of going for a walk or some other type of exercise if you are feeling low. The fresh air and exercise will immediately start to make you feel better.

Respecting Other Children’s Dietary Needs

Always respect the dietary needs of children visiting your home. Their parents will tell you what they must avoid and, to make life easier on everyone, simply do not have that product available to your own children on that particular day. I only mention this because I know of a situation where a mother gave a biscuit as a treat to a young playmate of her children. Unfortunately, the child was hypersensitive to sugar but was too young to realize any different, and was as high as a kite for about four days.

What Children Really Need

Forget the DVDs, TVs, Playstations, designer trainers and designer clothes (except, obviously, for us). What children really need (as opposed to what they think they need) is a combination of love, discipline, attention, communication, routine, continuity, consistency, example and respect, and wouldn’t it be simple if we could just go and buy them. But nobody said bringing up children was going to be simple. As every child is different, only you will work out how much of all these vital components your particular child needs to find the right combination.

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