Tantric Secrets
7 Steps to the Best Sex of Your Life
Cassandra Lorius

To Liz Dean, my marvellous editor

Table of Contents

Cover Page

Title Page

Dedication

Introduction What is Tantra?

STEP ONE Love yourself

STEP TWO Get connected: finding intimacy

STEP THREE Getting sensuous

STEP FOUR Sexual power: explore your desire

STEP FIVE Emotional wellbeing, sexual healing

STEP SIX Sex secrets

STEP SEVEN Tantric sex

Index

About the Author

Copyright

About the Publisher

Introduction What is Tantra?

Tantra is an ancient path of self-development that regards sexual energy as the primary manifestation of our life force. This life force is a powerful current of energy that flows through us all. When you are in harmony, this energy is ‘woven’ with the energy of other people and all the life forms around us. The term ‘Tantra’ implies that we can weave all the different threads of our existence into a more satisfying whole. Through Tantra, you can experience love and sex as a flowing together of energies. Techniques that were once secret – only available to the initiated – are revealed here to rekindle your lust for life and regain a vibrant sense of self. By being more loving and connected in the ways in which you relate to your partner, you can create more fulfilling sex and a deep, loving intimacy. Tantra guides you through the gateway of lovemaking to open to spiritual bliss.

The message is simple: celebrate your relationship with a spirit of wonder and playfulness. Tantra is easy to grasp once you experience it – simply stop thinking and start feeling. Focus on the present moment, as you’ll feel more vital when you wholeheartedly live in the ‘now’. Be sensually aware of your body, and express your sense of aliveness and passion through it. Reconnecting with your body in a positive way via your senses gives you a surge of wellbeing and energy. Sexual energy is a fundamental indicator of your level of vitality. When you’re feeling great, your body is vital and eroticized.

Tantra for your relationship: the seven steps to bliss

Tantra is a potent means of revitalizing your relationship. Cultivating Tantra means embracing a dynamic approach to sex, love and life in general that will fill you with bliss. The starting point of this process is to reaffirm the place of spirit in your life, and make space for a soul connection in your sexual relationship. A loving relationship encourages you to expand sexuality into a more integrated way of being. Tantric techniques teach you how to unlock your energy and use it to bring bliss into your lives.

The ethos of this book is opening your heart, filling your being with loving emanations and sweetening your relationship with love and compassion. Tantric Secrets reveals the seven chapters, or steps, that you can take to transform your relationship into one of bliss. Each Step explores issues appropriate to the unfolding of an integrated sexuality according to Tantric sources – including meditative exercises that you can use on your own path to fulfilment through sacred sex.

Tantric Secrets offers ideas for short practices to radically improve your experience of sex and open your heart to love and bliss. Cumulatively, they lead to a sensual bonk-fest, taking you into the realm of bliss. You can pick and choose according to what inspires you. However, I suggest that you do start by looking at Step 1, because the secret of maintaining a loving relationship is to love yourself. In these demanding times, many of us lead stressful lifestyles that hamper our free spirits, making it difficult to delight in our sensual natures.

To prepare to deepen your relationship, begin by destressing both mind and body. In Step 1 you nurture both body and soul. You learn to love yourself by taking care of your needs; when you nurture yourself, you have the resources to nurture others. Learn to treat your own body with respect, remembering that your body is a temple dedicated to life and love.

When you have activated the energy of body and soul in your own being, you are free to reach out toward your partner with an open heart.

In Step 2, you connect with your lover as an energy-body, relating to each other at the level of your inner core rather than your surface personalities.

In Step 3, you stimulate your sensuality through rituals that enliven all your senses. Ritual is about inviting the sacred into your life. It is this sense of sacredness that helps you to step beyond your normal limits, into a closer connection with your partner. If you associate activities like lighting candles and incense with an attitude of receptivity to the sacred dimension, each time you do this you enter into a Tantric frame of mind.

To awaken your sexual energy and access your passionate nature, Step 4 explores your desire, and includes physiological exercises that combine strengthening your love muscle with breathing and visualization exercises.

Step 5 involves sexual healing, and clearing difficult emotions that may be blocking the flow of energy in your relationship. Communication needs to underpin your sexual relationship in order for it to be close and loving.

You work on your technical abilities as a lover in Step 6, learning to pleasure yourself and your lover, exploring your orgasmic potential and lengthening and deepening your orgasms so that you can both have multiple orgasms. For women, discover how clitoral and g-spot stimulation is crucial to sexual satisfaction. For men, learning to defer gratification develops the potential for much greater orgasmic pleasure.

Step 7 makes sex sacred by incorporating the powerful Tantric techniques of breathing and visualization to move energy through your being during lovemaking. Together, you create a joint body of energy united in sexual bliss – an experience that opens you to the Tantric awareness that bliss is the nature of life itself.

What is Tantric meditation?

In Eastern traditions, meditation is seen as the royal road to nurturing the soul. The secret wisdom of Tantra shows you how to forge a meditative approach to sex, which gives it transcendent power. Soulful sex becomes a pathway to direct experience of the divine realm of love, which Tantra describes as joyful bliss. In weaving the lover’s path with your partner, you make connections between heart, spirit and body to bring the spiritual dimension firmly into your life.

You unite your two beings in divine love and align this love with the natural flow of love in the universe during lovemaking.

Tantric meditation induces a state of deep, dynamic relaxation in which you remain very engaged with the world around you. Relaxation involves letting go of struggle in life and surrendering to the flow of energy through your being. In dynamic relaxation, you recover a life-affirming attitude – joy, spontaneity and the sensual pleasure of life.

This dynamic state is also passionate; it’s full of lust for life and love for others, a deep expression of your core eroticism rather than a superficial sexual orientation. It is not about tarting up your relationship with exotic stimulation, but about going more deeply into the loving connection that already exists. As you tune into your partner, so your relationship deepens. You affirm your lover’s inner beauty by loving them as much as yourself. Through Tantric meditation, you also rediscover the innocence and playfulness in your partnership.

Develop awareness

Meditation is the heart of the Tantric journey. Through meditation you become sensitive to the movements of energy in your own body and learn to see others as energy-beings. Ultimately, the awareness that grows through meditation, visualization and energy practices enables you to feel the vast energy flow that physicists describe as our fundamental reality. Through surrendering the belief that you are separate from other living beings, you can join in the dance of creation.

Take time every day to meditate. Meditation can be described as letting ‘doing’ fall away. One of the key practices that this book constantly emphasizes is simply paying full attention to whatever is occurring in the present moment. (That is why Tantric Secrets doesn’t encourage sexual fantasies that take your concentration away from your partner and from what is happening between you.) Paying careful attention makes you more sensitive in your interactions and deepens the connections between you and your deeper self, as well as with others. Being more alive to your own experience helps you to fully immerse yourself in it, rather than stand outside your own life as a detached observer.

Become a witness

Meditation also encourages you to become more of a witness to your own life, so that you can perceive more clearly what is happening to you at the same time as being absorbed in it. As a witness to your own life you develop insight into how you relate, rather than hold yourself back from others because of a critical or judgmental attitude. In order to let go of such attitudes you need to open up to the transpersonal nature of love, which is unconditional. Let love flow through you.

Get closer to your partner

To create a nurturing and loving environment twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, try to make time to touch base with your inner self each day through meditation or yoga. These practices help you to connect with your partner and activate your loving energy.

Many of us feel the need for greater closeness, yet with our busy lives we can find it almost impossible to dedicate time to relate with the degree of attention that real communication requires. Yet you can make time – it is the degree of connection with each other that is important, rather than the length of time spent together.

You can also make time by letting go of a sense of hurry; be fully present and emotionally available in the here and now. Reluctance to make time for closeness can arise from a feeling of resistance or fear about intimacy. This book offers techniques for breaking down defences against closeness and going to the heart of intimacy, both sexually and emotionally.

Think of a period in your life when the world sparkled with promise, suffused with sensuality. Do you recall the delicious rush of anticipation you felt on seeing your lover walk towards you, feeling the warm thrill of their touch on your arm, or the elation of gazing directly into their eyes? If your erotic aliveness is more or less shut down, such sensations may only come in unexpected moments, when you’re startled by undercurrents in a friendship or with a stranger. The tingling promise of eroticism is a reminder of our true nature, filling us with a surge of energy and delight – the original meaning of the word lust. You can allow this erotic electricity to remain subdued, or you can consciously choose to ignite it, both alone and with your partner.

A Tantric model for loving

Tantra has a sophisticated concept of love. In Western culture, love is often clichéd as romantic attraction built on fantasies and projections. In Tantra, you use love to connect with the essence of your partner.

A Tantric model has a lot to teach us about relationships. It sees relationships as a flow of energy and emotions as a form of energy. This approach offers you a radically different way of dealing with difficult emotions in your relationship. Tantra says that you are not your emotions or your mind – this is your false self. You are really an energy-field composed of dancing atoms. This understanding encourages you to drop your false self, no longer identifying yourself as the sum total of all your problems and emotions. As these negativities fall away, your true nature is revealed and you regain your natural state of presence, or ‘being’. You can fully engage in the moment, rather than be withdrawn or preoccupied with old hurts, disappointments or insecurities that sap your energy. Just as children drop the past as soon as it is over and deal with what is right in front of them, you too can relearn the ability to constantly let go.

By letting go of inappropriate emotions and impossible expectations, we accept that we cannot determine our relationships with other people. Relationships are mysterious and ultimately unknowable. If you surrender to the greater power of the universe that is glimpsed in the heart of this mystery, you open your hearts to each other.

Tantra is all about dissolving your ego, learning to be receptive, opening your heart – letting love dissolve any emotional negativity – and seeing the divine in every aspect of your life, including the divinity in your partner. It’s about seeing the nature of the world as love, and making your relationship central to your life.

Body knowledge

A great way to side-step all the emotional problems that a relationship often activates is to encourage the wisdom of your body, allowing yourself to feel love and express it physically.

Traditional spiritual paths advocate cutting off from the body and disowning bodily experience, but Tantra regards your body as the gateway to your deepest self. A Tantric perspective invites you to abandon yourself to life, to enjoy your body and take pleasure in daily life. This means acknowledging the beauty of your sensory experience – attuning to nature, your own deeper nature and to those around you.

Some people are naturally Tantric. They are alive to the abundance of energy and sensitive to its subtle manifestations in their lives. They feel engaged and inspired in their relationship with the world around them – connected, perceptive, aware and sensitive. It is possible for us all to live like this, by uncovering our innate sensuality and opening to joy.

Tantra for healing

Love is the source of healing power, which emanates from the energy-body. An energy-body is the invisible energy within all of us. Once you accept the importance of love, you can use Tantra meditations to heal your energy-body and your emotional pain, and any sexual wounding and withholding that stems from a closed heart. Throughout this book there are meditations for healing, as well as meditations to expand your awareness of the subtle dimensions of life. These techniques create more harmony and happiness in your relationship, and enable you to explore your full sexual potential.

Seeing you, your partner and your relationship as bodies of energy helps you to open up to everyday experience, engaging with your own life in a transformative way. Changing your attitude in accordance with Tantra creates a radical shift of perspective – you see the joy in mundane activities. By making the imaginative leaps suggested in this book, you can remodel your world in the image of your dreams.

Tantra and sexuality

Sexuality is a powerful force that motivates us in many ways. Your libido is the source of your sexual energy, or kundalini, that can be awakened through arousing your sexual fire. You unblock and channel the potent energy attached to sexuality so that it is available to enliven your whole being. Your body can dance with sensual excitement.

Tantra uses the fire of your sexual passion to fuel spiritual growth. Sexuality is a dynamic expression of your psyche – more a state of consciousness than a biological drive. It enriches your relationships and your life.

The quality of attention and togetherness achieved during sex allows you to engage with your partner at a deep level of intimacy. Focus on opening your heart so that you can feel the love within your heart pouring out, and enjoy a deep sense of connection – both with your lover, and through them with the rest of the world.

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