Copyright

HarperCollinsPublishers

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London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2019

FIRST EDITION

Text © Vertical Networks, 2019

Cover design by Philip Pascuzzo

Cover illustrations © Vertical Networks

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

Vertical Networks asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

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Find out about HarperCollins and the environment at www.harpercollins.co.uk/green

Source ISBN: 9780008286583

Ebook Edition © May 2019 ISBN: 9780008286590

Version 2019-04-25

BY

Joel Hanek, Hogan Hiatt, Adam Lederer, Hot Rod Martinez, James Montgomery, Ryan Powell, Pernell Quilon, Bailey Rosser, Emily Wilson and Tom Wright

EDITED BY

James Montgomery

DESIGN & ART DIRECTION BY

Karen Jaimes

ILLUSTRATIONS BY

Ariel Alter

INFOGRAPHICS BY

Stephanie Truong

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Life

The Truth About Life

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Life Needs

100 Universal Truths About Your Life

It’s Basically All Bullshit

Life Timelines

Everything Movies Lie to You About

The Conflict Conundrum

A Brief Note on Hubris

100 Classy Moves You Should Master

An Alphabetical List of Terrible People You Should Avoid at All Cost

How Long Will These People Actually Be in Your Life?

A True Friendship Test

Annoying (Yet Inevitable) Things All Friends Do as You Get Older

Is It Possible to Be “Just Friends” with a Woman?

How to Make Friends After the Apocalypse

You Are Insignificant

Perspective

A Handy Glossary of Terms

Sex

The Truth About Sex

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Sex Needs

Are You Ready to Have Sex?

The Do’s and Don’ts of Sex

5 Simple Ways to Not Suck at Sex

5 Simple Ways to Not Suck at Gay Sex

69 Lies You’ll Hear About Sex

Don’t Listen to These People

The Beginner’s Guide to Anal Sex

Navigating the Morning After

Reasons You’re Not Having Sex

A Series of Sexy Venn Diagrams

Sex in Movies vs. Sex IRL

Sex After the Apocalypse

An Unsexy Discussion About Pornography

Are You Masturbating Too Much?

How Much Sex Is Too Much?

A Handy Glossary of Terms

Work

The Truth About Work

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Work Needs

Appropriate Responses to Lies Your Dad Will Tell You About Work

What You Should Know Before Taking Any Job

The 30 Types of People You Will Work With

A Beginner’s Guide to Workplace Communication

Work, in Actuality

The Coworker Code

5 Ways to Get the Job You Deserve

Are You Workplace Appropriate?

How to Ask Your Boss for a Raise, According to the Actual Boss of BROTHER

Should You Launch a Start-Up?

Post-Apocalyptic Career Aptitude Guide

A Handy Glossary of Terms

Money

The Truth About Money

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Money Needs

How to Live Like a Millionaire (Without Actually Being One)

How to Live on a Budget (Without Living Like a Crazy Person)

How to Make More Money (Without Working All That Hard)

Get the Biggest Bang for Your Buck!

How to Get Rich

Do You Have Enough Money?

Six Truths About Money, According to Someone Who Has a Lot of It

Can Money Buy You This?

Make Your Own Money!

What to Do with Your Money After the Apocalypse

Mo Money

How to Take It with You

A Handy Glossary of Terms

Women

The Truth About Women

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Women Needs

The Gentleman’s Guide to Lady Parts

How to Date a Woman (According to an Actual Woman)

Overrated/Underrated Dates

The Truth About Dick Pics

Is It Time to Move On? Probably.

How to Give Compliments (Without Being a Total Creep)

Ways to Meet Women After the Apocalypse

A Handy Glossary of Terms

Fun

The Truth About Fun

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Fun Needs

General Rules for Having Fun

When Does the Fun Start?

Things That Seem Fun Until You Actually Do Them

Worth the Wait?

Is This Funny?

Is This Art?

Is Reading Fun?

Overrated/Underrated Rap

Overrated/Underrated Rock

Overrated/Underrated Pop

Scenarios in Which Removing Your Shirt Is Appropriate

Scenarios in Which Removing Your Shirt Is Inappropriate

Should You Get a Tattoo?

The Five Universal Truths About Gambling

25 Unexpected Ways to Have Fun After the Apocalypse

A Handy Glossary of Terms

Health

The Truth About Health

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Health Needs

How Not to Be a Dick at the Gym

The 30 Types of People You Will Meet at the Gym

Gym Stats

Scenarios in Which Running Is Appropriate

Scenarios in Which Running Is Inappropriate

General Truths About Health

What’s That On Your Penis?

50 Thoughts You Have While Sitting in a Waiting Room

A Summertime Surprise!

A Sobering Note About Drinking

Should You Do This Drug?

Acceptable Coping Mechanisms for Adults

Should Everyone Talk to a Therapist?

Health After the Apocalypse

A Handy Glossary of Terms

You

The Truth About You

Maslow’s Hierarchy of You Needs

No One Cares

A Secret Message

50 Things Someone Should Have Told You by Now

Don’t Be That Guy

General Truths About Style

What Your Hair Style Says About You

Social Media, in Graph Form

The Nicest Things People Can Say About You, Ranked

How to Get Your Shit Together in 10 Steps

Self-Improvement After the Apocalypse

A Handy Glossary of Terms

A Message from BROTHER

About the Author

About the Publisher

The Truth About Life

These terms and conditions create a contract between you and BROTHER (the “Agreement”). Please read the Agreement carefully.

A. INTRODUCTION TO OUR SERVICES

This Agreement governs your use of BROTHER’s services (“Services”), through which you can learn valuable life lessons (“Truths”) and unique skills (“Content”) that can—and should—be applied at your discretion. Our Services are available for your use in your country of residence (“Home Country”), in accordance with societal standards and/or legal statutes. To use our Services, you need an open mind, a willingness to look ridiculous and the ability to read. Our Services’ performance may be affected by these factors.

In the interest of full disclosure, here is how we explained those Services in our initial pitch to HarperCollins (the “Publisher”), which must’ve worked, because you’re reading this right now. The fact that the Publisher decided to change the title of this book does not invalidate anything of the following:

“We’re not going to lie to you—life can be complicated.

“But The Truth will set you free. From simple solutions to complex social interactions to general rules of gentlemanly etiquette, it’s the definitive guide for today’s guy.

“We will help them navigate an increasingly complicated world—the classroom, the locker room, the office, the bar, the bedroom, the DM—where the old rules, labels and standards no longer apply. We won’t condescend, we won’t mince words—we’ll give them straightforward, occasionally brutal (but always funny) honesty, and, hopefully, create a new set of axioms in the process.

“This is Brother’s big book of universal truths . . . the stuff we wish someone would’ve told us.

“Brother is a global brand made for millennial males. Publishing daily on Snapchat, we reach an audience of 20 million young men each month (40 million unique visitors in total—girls like us, too!). We create content that is optimized for mobile and designed with the millennial in mind, mixing media and text to deliver an experience that is informative, entertaining and interactive.

“We use data to test and refine work. We’re still experimenting—but we’d like to think we’ve gotten pretty good at understanding our audience. It doesn’t hurt that we are our audience. We are interested in life, love, sex, style and tech. We are self-aware, but not self-centered. We take digital culture as a given; we understand that it’s 2019—everyone uses a dating app. We are informed and impatient. We ask big questions, and expect appropriately huge answers. But we’re not judgmental jerks. We’d like someone to buy us a beer every once in a while.

“With Brother Presents: The Truth, we’ll use that knowledge and expertise. Presented in a format that is engaging and appealing to digital-native demos—a compelling mix of infographics, diagrams, images, lists, quizzes and essays—we’ll simplify the millennial man’s life . . . by simply telling him the truth.”

We can’t believe they bought it, either.

B. USING OUR SERVICES

PAYMENTS, TAXES AND REFUNDS

You can acquire Truths and Content via our Services for free or for a one-time charge, depending on whether you are borrowing this book from an acquaintance or have decided to purchase it for yourself. Either instance is referred to as a “Transaction.” Each Transaction is a contract between you and BROTHER, and it is up to you to fulfill your end of the bargain—if you don’t, we will be disappointed. In addition, violators can also be subjected to additional punishment, as determined by BROTHER’s Chief Magistrate, who has definitely seen some shit and is not one to trifle with. If you pre-order Content, you will be charged when the Content is delivered to you (though please let us know how you managed to do this, since this is a book). All Transactions are final. If you want to sell this book on your own, that’s up to you, man. Prices may change at any time, contingent on how well this book has been selling or how badly the Publisher has misjudged potential enthusiasm for this project. There will be no refunds, regardless of how poorly this book is written or how useless all Content contained herein may be. Fraud or other manipulative behavior may entitle BROTHER to a corresponding counterclaim, so think twice before trying to pass any of our Truths or Content off as your own. We are always watching you, and we have your financial information on file.

PRIVACY

Your use of our Services is subject to BROTHER’s Privacy Policy, which is explained in great detail below but can essentially be summed up thusly: You’re fucked.

BROTHER has developed and patented a suite of technologies that will be used to collect your personal information, including (but not limited to) fingerprints, biometric measurements, sexual conquests, penis size, test scores, fantasies, gaming system preferences, mother’s maiden name, browsing history, passwords, credit scores, shoe size, deep-seated fears and every time you’ve ever cried. Your personal information will be used to sell you petroleum-based grooming products that are slowly killing the Earth, your Home Country and, by logical extent, you. There is no way to opt out of this policy, as by merely cracking open this book, you are implicitly agreeing to it.

We will also collect data in a form that does not, on its own, permit direct association with any specific individual. We may collect, use, transfer and disclose what we deem to be nonpersonal information—including your occupation, language of preference or location—for any purpose, so we like to keep the wording as vague as possible (but it will probably involve more petroleum-based products). BROTHER will attempt to justify this gross violation of your privacy by claiming to use your personal information only to keep you posted on our latest project developments and upcoming events, or to improve current products and services.

SERVICES AND CONTENT USAGE RULES

Your use of the Services and Content must follow the rules set forth in this section (“Usage Rules”). Any other use of the Services and Content is a material breach of this Agreement. BROTHER may monitor your use of the Services and Content to ensure that you are following these Usage Rules.

All Services:

 You may use the Services and Content only for personal, noncommercial purposes, such as hooking up or exacting revenge on your coworkers. Any prizes or rewards attained using our Services and Content belong to us as well.

 BROTHER’s delivery of Content does not transfer any promotional use rights to you, so don’t try to pass any of this shit off as your own. Like you could come up with this many charts . . .

 It is your responsibility not to lose, destroy, or damage Content once purchased. We will monitor this via previously mentioned suite of technologies, in addition to periodic checks of landfills in your Home Country.

 You may not tamper with or circumvent any technology included with the Services, but good luck finding any of it.

CONTENT AND SERVICE AVAILABILITY

Terms found in this Agreement that relate to Services, Content types, features or functionality not available in your Home Country are not applicable to you unless and until they become available to you. What does that mean? Good question.

YOUR SUBMISSIONS TO OUR SERVICES

Our Services may cause you to react with comments, crude gestures or incredulous sighs (the “Submissions”). How do we keep track of Submissions? We’re always watching, remember? Your use of such features must comply with the Submissions Guidelines below, which may be updated from time to time (and without your knowledge). You hereby grant BROTHER a worldwide, royalty-free, perpetual, nonexclusive license to use the materials you submit within the Services and related marketing. And if that sounds threatening, it should. BROTHER will monitor and decide to remove or edit any submitted material.

Submissions Guidelines: You may not use the Services to:

 Be a jerk, unless specifically instructed to act that way.

 Act in an offensive, unlawful, deceptive or harmful manner.

 Impersonate or misrepresent your affiliation with another person, or entity, unless you have a really good costume.

 Plan or engage in any illegal, fraudulent, or manipulative activity, unless we get a cut of the action.

 If charged with—or convicted of—a crime, BROTHER will disavow any knowledge of your existence.

INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY

You agree that the Services, including but not limited to analysis, codes, Content, credos, dumb charts, diagrams and graphs, gripes, half-baked schemes, illustrations, inane lists, judgments, Killers lyrics, petty grievances, sex tips, threats and texts used to implement the Services, contain proprietary information and material that is owned by BROTHER, and is protected by applicable intellectual property and other laws, including but not limited to copyright. You agree that you will not use such proprietary information or materials in any way whatsoever except for use of the Services for personal, noncommercial uses in compliance with this Agreement. No portion of the Services may be reproduced in any form or by any means, except as expressly permitted by this Agreement. You agree not to modify, rent, loan, sell, or distribute the Services or Content in any manner, and you shall not exploit the Services in any manner not expressly authorized.

The BROTHER name, the BROTHER logo and other BROTHER trademarks, service marks, graphics and logos used in connection with the Services are trademarks or registered trademarks of BROTHER in the U.S. and other countries throughout the world. BROTHER is also the name of a line of sewing machines, but we’re betting they haven’t noticed yet (so don’t tell them). You are granted no right or license with respect to any of the aforesaid trademarks, unless you are the people who manufacture those sewing machines; you’ve probably earned it.

TERMINATION AND SUSPENSION OF SERVICES

If you fail, or BROTHER suspects that you have failed, to comply with any of the provisions of this Agreement, BROTHER may, without notice: (i) terminate this Agreement; and/or (ii) terminate your access to our Content; and/or (iii) terminate you.

BROTHER further reserves the right to modify, suspend, or discontinue the Services (or any part or Content thereof) at any time with or without notice to you—until we show up at your job/place of residence to terminate you.

OTHER PROVISIONS

This Agreement constitutes the entire agreement between you and BROTHER and governs your use of the Services, superseding any prior agreements with respect to the same subject matter between you and BROTHER. If any part of this Agreement is held invalid or unenforceable, that portion shall be construed in a manner consistent with applicable law to reflect, as nearly as possible, the original intentions of the parties, and the remaining portions shall remain in full force and effect. BROTHER’s failure to enforce any right or provisions in this Agreement will not constitute a waiver of such or any other provision. We’re busy. BROTHER will not be responsible for failures to fulfill any obligations due to causes beyond its control. Again, we’re busy.

You agree to comply with all local, state, federal, and national laws, statutes, ordinances and regulations that apply to your use of the Services. Your use of the Services may also be subject to other laws. No BROTHER employee or agent has the authority to vary this Agreement—not even Hogan, and we let that dude do everything.

You hereby grant BROTHER the right to take steps BROTHER believes are reasonably necessary or appropriate to enforce and/or verify compliance with any part of this Agreement. You agree that BROTHER has the right, without liability to you, to disclose any data and/or information to law enforcement authorities, government officials and/or a third party, even though BROTHER thinks cops are the worst and not to be trusted. We take this Agreement very seriously, and failure to comply with any part of it shall result in punishment, as determined by our Chief Magistrate, including (i) a fine of USD $5,000; (ii) a series of Indian Burns; (iii) 25 days in BROTHER jail, which is not as fun as it sounds; (iv) dibs on any sexual partners, both current and future; or (v) all of the above. Because life isn’t fair—which is why you should always read the fine print. And that’s the truth.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Life Needs

Everything necessary to ascend, find fulfillment and become the person you were meant to be.

SELF-ACTUALIZATION—Wi-Fi.

ESTEEM—Likes, compliments and recognition, respect, the occasional nude.

BELONGINGNESS AND LOVE—Dating apps, social media, friends, family, a companion, your hand (when all else fails).

SAFETY—Freedom from harassment and intimidation (not applicable if you are black in America), money, medicine, seatbelts, airbags, a weapon (if you are delusional).

PHYSIOLOGICAL—Air, water, food, clothing, shelter, sleep, someone to have sex with occasionally, your phone, a place to charge your phone.

100 Universal Truths About Your Life

We’re not gonna lie to you: life is hard. But these truths will set you free.

Everyone is pretending.

Anyone who boasts is overcompensating.

No one is as happy as they appear to be.

Social Media is not real life.

Comparing yourself to others is a waste of time.

If you don’t expect anything, you’ll never be disappointed.

Art and commerce can never coexist.

Kindness is underrated.

Happiness is a social construct, not a goal.

Thriftiness is a virtue; cheapness is an annoyance.

Never stop doing kids’ stuff—that way you’ll never get old.

Always have an alibi.

If you find yourself saying “I’m not a racist,” you’re probably a racist.

If you have to ask “Is this inappropriate?” it’s probably inappropriate.

The answer to the question “How did they afford that?” is always “Their parents paid for it.”

Blackface is never a good idea.

Always say “Thank you.”

Often, it’s just easier to apologize.

Know what battles are worth fighting.

You won’t live forever, but you can create something that might.

Have perspective—there is always someone worse off than you.

Be patient—if you’re good, you’ll get what’s coming to you.

Recognize your privilege.

Sometimes, it’s better to be realistic than optimistic.

Never spend more than 72 hours in Las Vegas.

Only assholes give TED Talks.

Only supreme assholes attend TED Talks.

Always bring a jacket. You will never regret it.

Never do anything without consent.

Always buy the first round.

Never talk business at an after-work event.

Don’t be friends with your boss.

Learn how to cook three different meals.

Learn how to play the guitar. But never play an acoustic guitar at a party.

Learn how the stock market works.

Clean up after yourself.

Make your bed every morning.

Floss. Even though it sucks.

Buy yourself one piece of expensive clothing.

No one likes a sore loser.

No one likes a bad winner, either.

If something sounds too good to be true, it is.

There is no such thing as a quick fix.

Sometimes life is unfair. But things will always get better.

Your parents are just people and, as such, are probably making it up as they go.

If you don’t know the answer—ask someone who does.

Never wear shorts to the office.

Never buy single-ply toilet paper.

Never go to IKEA on a weekend.

Never show up empty-handed.

Never bet on your own team.

Always eat before you drink.

Always avoid the middle urinal.

Always wear a condom.

Always split the check evenly—even if you only had a salad.

Always keep your eye on the ball.

Hawaiian shirts are appropriate for every occasion.

Beards make you sexier.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

A burger at a bar is always better than a burger at a restaurant.

If a bar has peanut shells on the floor, you’re in the right place.

If a bar hangs Christmas lights, and it’s not Christmas, you’re in the right place.

If two different people tell you you’re drunk, you’re probably too drunk.

Give compliments sparingly—they mean more that way.

Don’t worry about what you’re lifting at the gym—everyone has to start somewhere.

Running one mile is always better than running zero miles.

“Compassionate Conservatism” is an oxymoron.

Everyone sees the world differently, and no one’s viewpoint is entirely correct.

Everything’s better on a boat.

It’s usually white people’s fault.

Do or do not; there is no try.

Be wary of anyone who talks about “building a brand.”

Never start an Instagram account for your dog.

Go outside.

Never pack what you can’t carry yourself.

If you can afford it, buy it. You’ll regret it later if you don’t.

Listen to your critics—there’s a good chance they’re right.

Never underestimate the power of a good complaint.

Refrain from interjecting yourself in any argument involving two or more women.

It’s important to know the difference between “your” and “you’re.”

Avoid anyone who has “Live, Laugh, Love” stenciled on their wall.

You’ll never regret learning how to change the oil on a car.

You’ll never regret learning how to install an operating system on a computer.

You’ll never regret learning how to throw a ball.

You’ll never regret learning how to play piano.

Always carry a pocket knife.

Always save your receipt.

If you’re tired, take a nap.

If you’re hungry, have a snack.

Be nice to animals and the elderly.

Guns are for cowards.

If you have a problem with someone, tell them.

Try not to take yourself too seriously.

Humility is never a bad look.

There is more to learn from failure than success.

Be polite and fair.

Just get on with it.

If you stick your neck out, be prepared to have your head cut off.

Aim high—even if you come up short, you’ll still be in a better place.

Life is a lot easier when you learn to let shit go.

It’s Basically All Bullshit

SCHOOL

WORK

LIFE

RELATIONSHIPS

FOOD

SEX

CLOTHING

SOCIAL MEDIA

Life Timelines

HOW BORING PEOPLE LIVE THEIR LIVES:

HOW INTERESTING PEOPLE LIVE THEIR LIVES:

Everything Movies Lie to You About

This should be fairly obvious to you (because you’re reading a book), but life is not a movie. Yes, there are moments of romance, action, drama, comedy and maybe the occasional explosion, but mainly, life is just monotony—a mix of walking, sleeping, consuming and overlapping dialogue. If it were a movie, Robert Altman would definitely direct it.

The fact that life is not a movie is the reason movies exist in the first place. They are escapist entertainment. Again, that seems obvious, but as you get older, you begin to realize just how much you have been incepted by movies (using a phrase from Inception as a narrative device is a pretty good example of that). They raise your expectations about what life should be, and how it should end. They give you false hopes and unrealistic assumptions. They offer hollow promises and faulty logic. In other words, movies lie to you.

The sooner you realize that, the better. Sure, your life may be monotonous, but it’s yours. Stop using a script as a measuring stick, and live the way you want. To help you get started, here’s the truth about Hollywood’s biggest lies.

You will never have a witty retort ready.

You will rarely say the right thing at the right time.

You will not meet your significant other in some quirky, cosmic manner.

Women actually have plenty of conversations that don’t involve men.

The quiet girl at (insert mom-and-pop store here) does not want you to rescue her from her small life. She probably doesn’t even want you to talk to her.

In real life, manic pixie dream girls are exhausting.

Platonic relationships rarely become something more.

If you rescue a girl, she will probably not fall in love with you.

Guys who look like Williamsburg accountants don’t get girls who look like Parisian models.

No one ever has a meaningful conversation in the pouring rain.

Loitering outside someone’s building isn’t charming, it’s fucking creepy.

Constantly pursuing a woman won’t win her over. It will get you arrested.

Failing relationships can’t be saved with poignant gestures or thrilling hijinks.

Weddings are rarely dramatic and only occasionally magical.

The same goes for sex—plus, you sweat way more.

Women don’t find drunk men charming.

You will never attempt to explain being caught in a compromising situation by shouting “It’s not what it looks like!”

Not everyone has a funny friend, because they’re usually annoying.

Real NYC apartments don’t look like that.

Real bodies don’t look like that, either.

Underdogs are underdogs for a reason—they usually lose.

Most assholes don’t redeem themselves, they just continue being assholes.

Bad guys usually don’t get what’s coming to them. In fact, they usually win.

You will never walk away from an exploding building in slow motion.

You can’t jump between buildings or train cars.

You can’t cling to a helicopter as it takes off, either.

You won’t get rewarded for ignoring your boss’ orders. You get fired.

If someone is pointing a gun at you, they will not take a moment to deliver a speech before pulling the trigger.

Occasionally, the automatic override isn’t damaged.

You will never be involved in a car chase.

In the event of an actual cataclysmic event, you will not survive.

In the event of an actual gun battle, you will not slide over the hood of a car while firing a pair of handguns.

You can’t just randomly enhance digital footage.

You will never get a montage.

You will never deliver a stirring speech.

You will never do anything that’s accompanied by a soaring soundtrack.

There’s a pretty good chance you will die alone.

Tom Cruise is actually like 5′4″.

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