Alfie & George
Rachel Wells

Copyright

Published by Avon an imprint of

HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd

1 London Bridge Street,

London, SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Publishers 2016

Copyright © Rachel Wells 2016

Cover photographs © Shutterstock

Cover design © Head Design 2016

Rachel Wells asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Source ISBN: 9780008181642

Ebook Edition © November 2016 ISBN: 9780008181659

Version: 2016-10-27

Dedication

To Jo with love

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-one

Chapter Twenty-two

Chapter Twenty-three

Chapter Twenty-four

Chapter Twenty-five

Chapter Twenty-six

Chapter Twenty-seven

Chapter Twenty-eight

Chapter Twenty-nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-one

Chapter Thirty-two

Chapter Thirty-three

Chapter Thirty-four

Keep Reading …

About the Author

About the Publisher

Chapter One

‘What on earth is THAT?’ I looked at Snowball, my cat girlfriend, then at the creature. We were standing by the wooden fence that surrounded the garden of our holiday home, staring at the strange creature roaming around on the other side. It was quite plump, had a very sharp beak, spiky fur, which looked feathery, and small, mean eyes. It made a funny, high-pitched noise as it eyeballed us, pecking in our direction. I backed away nervously.

‘Oh, Alfie, it’s just a hen! You must have seen one before?’ Snowball laughed.

I took offence, though in actual fact I hadn’t seen a real-life chicken before. But I was supposed to be the man in the relationship so I tried to square up.

‘Hiss,’ I said. There, that’d show him who was boss. But then the hen rushed towards me, wobbling its tiny head and flapping its wings. I jumped back.

Snowball laughed again and tickled me with her tail. ‘It’s harmless, Alfie, honestly.’ I certainly wasn’t convinced. ‘Well, you don’t get many hens in London,’ I huffed, stalking away.

We were somewhere called ‘the country’, and very nice it was too. We were staying in a house in the middle of nowhere, with nothing around for miles except fields. My family – Jonathan, Claire and Summer – and Snowball’s family, the Snells – Karen, Tim, Daisy and Christopher – had rented a house for a week, and they had brought both me and Snowball with them. Cats don’t normally go on holiday so we felt very lucky. When I told my friends, the neighbourhood cats, they were shocked, but we were having a lovely time so far and I thought that perhaps us cats should holiday more often. A change is as good as a rest, my first owner, Margaret, used to say, and she was right – it was just what the vet ordered.

The house itself was large, with five bedrooms, and there was a lovely open fire in the living room, which Snowball and I curled up in front of in the evenings. It was very romantic – although we had to be careful as sparks jumped out every now and then, once nearly singeing Snowball’s beautiful white tail.

We had been told that, if we went out, we mustn’t leave the garden. Our humans were worried about us getting lost – as if that would happen – but so far we had obediently stuck to exploring said garden and doing as we were told. It was a good size; pretty, with lots of interesting bushes and flowerbeds. There was enough to keep us occupied, as it was much bigger than the small back garden I had to put up with in London. However, beyond the garden, where the chickens lived, was the lure of some very lush fields. It was a big temptation for an inquisitive cat like me.

Snowball was less impressed. She’d been a rich cat before she moved to Edgar Road (my street in London), and her family had had an enormous garden in their old house in the country. She didn’t boast about it anymore, but when we first met (a time when she had done her best to be rude to me) she did a bit. But anyway, I had won her over and captured her heart and we’d been together for two years now. The best two years of my cat life.

People always seemed surprised by our relationship at first, but then cats can fall in love just as easily as humans, if not more so. I should know, as I’ve had an awful lot of experience of humans.

Being a doorstep cat, I have a wide variety of humans I call family. I visit more than one home and have many ‘owners’. As well and Claire and Jonathan, I regularly spend time with Polly and Matt and their two children, Henry and Martha, and my Polish family, Franceska, big Tomasz and their children, Aleksy and little Tomasz. I am one busy cat.

I’ve managed to bring my families together so they are all the closest of friends. In my time with them, on Edgar Road and beyond, I’ve seen so much change. Humans seem to change a lot, or at least their lives do, and us cats are often the bystanders that have to sort out the inevitable debris. I take care of my humans, it’s what I do, and I’ve seen the ups and downs, the good and bad, and even the downright ugly, but I have always taken my role of looking after my families very seriously.

‘We ought to go in, I’m getting hungry,’ I said to Snowball, licking my lips. I could have almost eaten the hen, had it not been so formidable. But then I’m not much of a hunter, and neither is Snowball; she’s far too beautiful to kill anything. I still remember how mesmerised I felt when I first laid eyes on her. Even now, after two years, I am one smitten kitten – or smitten cat, more accurately.

‘Race you back,’ she said, giving herself a head start. I bounded after her and we arrived at the open back door at the same time, both slightly breathless from the run.

‘Ah, there you two are,’ said Claire, smiling at me as we padded into the kitchen. Summer, who was two and a half years old, was balanced on her hip. Claire put a bowl down on the highchair and wrestled Summer expertly into the seat as she wriggled in protest. Summer, my human sister, was what Claire called a ‘madam’ and what Jonathan called ‘spirited’. Although she could sometimes be a pain, and tried to pull my tail a bit too often for my liking, I loved her very much. And she compensated with some lovely cuddles.

Summer smiled, picked up her spoon and threw it on the floor. She never tired of this game, although in my opinion she was old enough to know better.

‘Toast,’ she said, in her lispy voice.

‘Eat your porridge, then you can have toast,’ Claire replied sternly.

‘NO!’ Summer screamed, throwing her bowl of porridge on the floor. As usual, I had been standing too close to her highchair, and I carefully licked some of the stray porridge from my fur. When would I ever learn?

Summer was my charge, I felt. I had to look after her, even when she was being a madam. It amused Jonathan, our dad, who said he liked a woman with a strong will. I did too, which is why I liked Snowball and my best cat friend, Tiger. However, Claire found it a bit annoying, I think, although since having Summer she was so happy that I didn’t worry about her too much anymore. Not like I did before anyway.

When I first came to live with Claire she had just got divorced, and she was quite broken. It took a lot of time and effort to put her back together. But then eventually she met Jonathan, one of my other humans, and now they are happily married with their child, Summer, completing our family.

‘Alfie, Snowball, breakfast,’ sang Daisy, Snowball’s teenage owner, putting bowls of tuna down for us.

‘Miaow,’ I thanked her. Daisy was beautiful – tall and lovely. She and Snowball actually looked alike in that they both had almost white fur – or hair, in Daisy’s case. Since Daisy had turned eighteen she’d been working as a model. She was becoming fairly successful already, and that was why she’d come on holiday. She might be too busy to come away with her family in the future, if all went to plan, so she needed to take the chance while she could. Snowball missed her when she was working but was very proud of her, which was touching.

Christopher, Daisy’s sixteen-year-old brother, sat at the table eyeing Summer suspiciously, making sure he was far enough away from her to avoid being hit by any food. He was much more sensible than me.

As I enjoyed my breakfast, I basked in happiness. Although my other families weren’t sharing my holiday, it was almost perfect. I had all the other people I loved around me and of course my beloved Snowball. As the humans ate their breakfasts, happily chatting and making plans for the day, I couldn’t help but feel my heart swell. Life didn’t get much better than this.

After breakfast, the sun slowly emerged, heating the morning into a warm spring day. Summer was playing with some teddy bears on a picnic blanket in the garden, whilst Claire and Karen sat beside her, drinking tea and chatting. Daisy had gone for a run and the men and Christopher had gone to the local town to do some grocery shopping – although Claire said they’d really gone to find a pub. Meanwhile, Snowball and I were relaxing, sprawled out on a warm patch of grass.

‘This is the life.’ I stretched my paws out and rolled onto my back, letting the sun warm my fur.

‘It really is,’ Snowball replied.‘Shall we go and see if we can find some butterflies to chase?’

I didn’t need asking twice.

This place was certainly different than London. Not only were there more animals around, but there was a sort of peacefulness that I hadn’t really experienced before. And the wonderful thing was that it was rubbing off on all of us. All the humans seemed relaxed, which was nice because that didn’t happen often in London; they were usually too preoccupied with work and other stresses. We had all been through some trying times in the last few years; my humans had faced many challenges. Adjusting to life in a new country, trying to have babies, post-natal depression, bullying at school, secrets, heartache – you name it, we’d been through it. I’ve been with them through each experience and have helped to resolve many problems, if I do say so myself. I think the problems brought my families closer together, and it was nice to see that we had finally entered a harmonious phase. Long may it last.

Snowball and I found a flowerbed, which looked as good a place as any to find butterflies.

We sat silently, side by side. We were so happy together that we often didn’t need words. I actually felt as if I knew what Snowball was thinking, and vice versa. In the event, there were no butterflies, but we both dived into the flowerbed when a noisy bee appeared. We tried to lay low as the bee took what it needed from its chosen flower. I knew bees were good – I’d heard enough people saying that – but if you got too close, a sting could be pretty nasty. After the bee buzzed off we rolled around, enjoying the sun and the soft scents of the flowers. It was a pretty romantic time.

‘Alfie, being on holiday with you is the best thing I’ve ever done,’ Snowball purred, putting her paw on mine. I felt quite emotional as I looked at my love.

‘It’s the best thing I’ve ever done, too,’ I replied – and I meant it with all my heart.

Chapter Two

Summer was playing ball with Christopher. Although he treated her with suspicion when she had food, he could be quite good with her at other times.

‘Throw the ball, Sum,’ Chris said. Summer clutched it to her chest and shook her head. She then put it on the ground and sat on it. Christopher laughed. I went over to her and nudged the ball with my paw. Summer giggled and wobbled, rolling off it. She laughed as I lay next to her on the grass, tickling her with my tail. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Jonathan approaching us.

‘Honestly, neither of you will play for Chelsea at this rate,’ he said, laughing. He scooped Summer up and swung her around.

‘Jon, she’s just had breakfast, she’ll be sick,’ Claire said, joining them. I stood up and stretched, brushing some grass off my fur with my tongue.

‘Sorry.’ Jonathan rolled his eyes. I gave him a conspiratorial look; Claire did fuss sometimes.

‘Ready?’ she asked.

Jonathan nodded. ‘Right. Alfie, Snowball, we’re off for a day trip, so you guys need to stay here and keep out of trouble.’ He looked at me when he said the last bit.

‘Miaow,’ I said, indignantly.

‘Do you think it’ll be OK to leave the back door open?’ Tim asked as he went to put some bags into one of the cars.

‘Don’t see why not, it’s pretty deserted here,’ Jonathan said.

‘Gosh, I love that we can do that. We’d never be able to on Edgar Road would we?’ said Karen. She and Tim exchanged a look; I wondered if they were thinking about their old homes, as Snowball sometimes did. I would catch her with a faraway look in her eyes, and as much as I knew she was happy, she did miss it. I understood – I still missed my first home at times and, although I loved my home and all my families now, I would never forget it. It wasn’t bad to miss things, I realised. Although it meant you had lost something or someone, it also meant you loved them in the first place. It was hard, but that was how life worked.

We sat by the stone steps that led up to the back door as we watched our families go out for the day. I was quite excited, as it meant a day for us to have our own adventures without worrying about the humans for once.

‘Do you think we should go and explore a bit?’ Snowball asked.

‘Well, the humans said we shouldn’t in case we get lost,’ I replied. I was sometimes a foolhardy cat, but the last thing I wanted to do was get lost in the country. I might never be able to find my way back home!

‘Oh, come on, let’s live a bit. And anyway, I’ve got a good sense of direction.’ Snowball nuzzled me, which meant she knew I was going to give in. However, I couldn’t forget the time that she had got horribly lost, and I had had to launch a rescue mission as a result. I didn’t dare mention it though – I wasn’t looking for an argument or for Snowball to sulk, which she was rather good at when she was cross.

‘OK then, let’s go.’ After all, I told myself, what could go wrong?

We headed out of the garden for the first time and into the neighbouring field. The long grass pleasantly tickled my legs as we ran through it side by side. There were insects buzzing around us, and as we travelled further from the house, we found some more chickens. These ones were actually quite friendly, clucking and scratching at the ground as we crept near them. I got quite close to one actually, trying to demonstrate my bravery, although inside I was like cat-food-in-jelly.

We went through another field and jumped onto a fence.

‘Are your legs OK?’ Snowball asked gently as she saw me grimace. I had an old injury that sometimes affected my back legs, but they weren’t too bad, despite the odd twinge.

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I’m fine, thanks.’ I jumped down from the fence smoothly to show her that I was all right. Then, feeling my confidence growing, I ran into the field. I was having a lovely time, the wind in my fur, the sun gently smiling down at us. I could get used to living in the country, I thought. Little did I know I was about to get a rude awakening.

‘Moo,’ a voice said angrily.

‘Yelp!’ I screamed, stopping suddenly. I found myself level with a leg, and as I looked up I started shaking. I was facing a monster, and he didn’t look happy to see me. He stared down at me with big, dark eyes, snorting loudly.‘Yelp,’ I screamed again.

‘Snort,’ the monster said, sounding angry. I realised that he was unhappy about us being in his field. He started to stomp and, as I saw the grass being flattened, I started to imagine being squashed beneath those big hooves. He shook his head, violently, as he eyeballed me again. Surely he was about to pounce. I managed to spring back, bouncing off Snowball and back in front of the cow again.

He lifted his head, snorted loudly again and swished his long tail from side to side.

‘It’s OK, Alfie.’ Snowball was beside me. At the sight of her the monster seemed a bit less aggressive. She gently led me a safe distance away.‘It’s just a cow,’ she continued.‘They’re big, and seem aggressive, I know, but they’re really quite gentle.’

I had never seen a cow this close up before and it seemed anything but gentle to me.

‘But it’s … it’s … enormous,’ I stammered, unable to take my eyes off the black-and-white patchy creature. I could feel my back legs trembling with fear, although the cow had turned away, flicking its tail and eating grass as if we didn’t exist. I was flooded with relief.

‘They’re harmless,’ she explained. It seemed I had a lot to learn about these farm animals.

I gladly followed her away from the monster cow. It certainly didn’t look what I would call ‘harmless’.

The rest of our trip passed without incident, although I felt as if I was more skittish than I had been when we set off. But it was also one of the best days ever. We romped through fields, found some lovely trees to admire and were not attacked by any other farm animals, although we saw some sheep and I thought that one of them seemed to take a fancy to Snowball. But they were the same colour and maybe she thought Snowball was a lamb. After all, as Snowball explained, sheep weren’t known for their brains. Not like cats.

Later that evening I was having a catnap, curled up in front of the fire. I needed a rest after our expedition. Although I was generally an active cat I was totally worn out. Maybe it was the country air, whatever that was. Claire kept referring to it, so it must have some effect. Jonathan said it was ridiculous to have an open fire when it was so warm but Karen and Claire wanted it lit, as we didn’t have fires like this at home. I wasn’t complaining; I loved being toasty warm. Snowball was with Daisy, in her room, I think, and I must have nodded off as I started to slowly awaken to the sound of soft voices.

‘Are you sure?’ I heard Karen say. I opened one eye to see her and Claire sitting on the sofa.

‘Pretty much. I’m afraid it’s definitely the case.’ Afraid? What was this? As far as I knew all was well with my families.

‘Oh, honey, I am sorry, I don’t know what to say.’ Karen’s voice was rich with sympathy.

‘Well we have Summer and she’s perfect, even if she is a little diva, but you know I would have loved another child, and Jon would too, but it hasn’t happened. Our doctor has run tests, but it looks as if we’ve been blessed with the only child we’re going to have.’ Although Claire sounded a little bit sad, she wasn’t crying. I hoped that this wasn’t the start of something. I worried about all my humans, but Claire especially. After the dark times she had faced in the past I knew she was prone to sliding into depression.

‘But you had no problems with Summer,’ said Karen.

‘No, it’s just one of those things – nature. It’s funny, but with Summer I was so desperate to have a baby that I really got into a state before I conceived her, but now we’ve been trying for over a year and a half and I’m still quite calm. I guess I feel lucky having such a gorgeous little girl, and of course Jonathan, that I have to count my blessings rather than dwell on what I can’t have.’

‘Have you thought about IVF?’

‘I did do some research but I’m not the most balanced person and with the hormones and injections and stuff, I worry that I’ll become unhinged. Not to mention that it might not work, and would cost a fortune. No, I need to be a good mother to Summer, and with working part time now, I need to be on top of things. To be honest, I’d love to adopt a child, but Jon’s reluctant.’

‘Adoption?’

‘Yes, my dad’s a social worker and I kind of always grew up thinking that giving a child a home would be a great thing to do. I hadn’t thought about it in years but when we found out we couldn’t conceive naturally, my mind immediately turned to adoption. But unfortunately Jon just doesn’t see it the same way.’

I stayed perfectly still as I listened. Of course I knew they wanted another baby, and there had been quite a few hushed conversations behind closed doors, but because everything had been so good for us all, perhaps I had turned a blind eye to the struggles they were having. Or maybe I had been more caught up with Snowball than I realised …

‘Ah, the whole man thing, wanting their genes to run through the veins of a child.’

‘Probably, but he’ll come round, I know he will. We have so much to offer a child, I just need to persuade him that it’s a really good idea,’ said Claire.

‘You know how it is with men, you need him to think it’s his idea.’ They both laughed.

‘Glass of wine?’ Claire suggested.

‘Why not? We are on holiday after all.’

As Karen and Claire drank their wine I marvelled at how far Claire had come. When I first met her she had been a mess – divorced, heartbroken, drinking too much and miserable. But now she was so happy and not even this setback, something that would previously have threatened to derail her, could defeat her. She wasn’t a victim anymore, and I was so overjoyed that I jumped up onto her lap and touched my nose to her hand. I wanted her to know how proud I was of her.

‘Oh, Alfie, I love you.’ She kissed the top of my head. I snuggled into her, thinking that this holiday lark wasn’t bad at all. Despite the monster cow.

Chapter Three

This holiday was making me love Snowball even more. Before we left Edgar Road, both cars full of cases and me in my cat carrier in one car, Snowball in the other, I wouldn’t have thought it possible to love her more. Yet I did. Spending this time away together, away from the day-to-day stresses of Edgar Road, had brought us even closer.

If cats could get married like humans, I would have married Snowball in a heartbeat. I knew it wasn’t possible, but when I told her as we lay by the fire she said it was the most romantic thing she had ever heard. Which gave me an idea. As a very organised cat, I do like to make plans, and I thought that in order for us to always remember this holiday, the first one we’d had together – and also the best holiday any cat could ask for – I would plan something for us.

The humans were going to the beach for the day. They had packed up lots of food, fussed a lot, and made it seem as if they were going for days rather than a few hours. Finally though they left the house, and Snowball and I were alone. I wanted to have a lovely day with her, and that meant being brave, bold and taking a risk. This cat was ready to do just that. I wanted to put a smile on Snowball’s face and for us have a day we would both remember. Of course, I wasn’t sure where the day would take us. When we went out the other day, we hadn’t ventured too far. We still didn’t know the area but I figured if we headed towards the big farm there would be lots of fun to be had. I outlined my plan to Snowball. We would leave the garden – hopefully avoiding the giant cows – and explore the luscious green fields that led to the big hill. Once at the top of the hill we would admire the views that our families had been talking about. I thought if we just headed off in one direction we would be fine, there would be no way we’d get lost. In fact, I was quite excited and feeling adventurous.

‘I love it, Alfie. Although I thought you were still worried about the cows and getting lost?’

‘Not me,’ I replied, with more bravado than I felt. I just hoped those cows would keep away.

When our families had finally piled themselves into their cars and driven off, Snowball and I finished our ablutions and got ready for our own adventure. My legs were almost trembling with excitement; I just knew we were going to have the best day ever.

We headed towards the farm, greeting the hens as if we were old friends. They wobbled their heads and clucked but weren’t very interested in us. I don’t know why I was ever scared of them: they were quite sweet really. We watched them for a bit before heading off. Before too long we came across a field with incredibly long, green grass. It was even taller than us. We made our way into it, and at one point I couldn’t see Snowball at all.

‘Yowl!’ She jumped out at me and I almost fell over.

‘Yeah, nice one, this is meant to be romantic – not scary,’ I pointed out, smoothing my fur.

‘Sorry, Alfie, I couldn’t resist. This grass is the longest I’ve ever seen. It’s so much fun! Come on, let’s go.’ She started running and I joined her. We ran through the grass, letting it tickle our fur, until we emerged on the other side of the field. I felt invigorated as we looked around, deciding where to head next.

‘Let’s avoid that way. Remember those sheep? I really think that one wanted to kidnap me,’ Snowball said, looking a bit worried.

‘As if I would ever let them do that,’ I replied, with a raise of my whiskers.

‘Alfie, would you ever want to live in the country?’ Snowball asked as we trekked through another field.

‘I don’t know. I mean … it’s very nice. But it’s quiet. And all these animals … I’m not sure it’s for me, to be honest. I’m a Londoner through and through.’

‘When we lived in our old house, it was a bit like the country, but not as much as this – it was far more built up. I think it was a nice compromise.’

‘I know you miss your old home, Snowball,’ I said, trying to be understanding and not feel hurt. You see, I didn’t like to think of Snowball before me. It sounds silly but I felt jealous that she had a life that didn’t have me in it.

‘I do a bit, but I would never want to go back, not without you, Alfie.’ I felt my heart melt as I looked into her beautiful eyes.

A big black cloud loomed, interrupting our moment.

‘Oh no,’ I said, as I felt a drop of rain land on my nose. It seemed to have come from nowhere. Just a minute ago we had been enjoying the sun on our fur.

‘We might have to make a run for it,’ Snowball shouted, as rain started to patter all around us; neither of us liked getting wet. As Snowball bounded off I followed her, not thinking about where she was going. After a bit of a run we came across a building and hurried inside. There was straw on the floor; it was a bit scratchy, but at least we were dry.

‘Thank goodness, Alfie,’ Snowball said. ‘It’s a proper rain shower out there.’

‘But what is this place?’ I asked.

‘Some kind of barn.’

‘Oink.’ We both looked up to see a group of fat, pink pigs moving towards us. They shuffled and snorted and didn’t look very friendly. Five of them descended, all pink skin and rounded bellies. Although they didn’t move quickly, as they banded together I could see we were in trouble.

‘Oh dear,’ I said, as Snowball and I backed away, until we were huddled in the corner of the barn.

‘Pigs seem very mean,’ Snowball said, not reassuringly at all. ‘I’ve never been this close to any but I’ve heard all sorts about them. Apparently they eat anything and everything.’

‘Which could include us …’ We were literally backed into a corner. They were coming closer, heads shaking a little, feet stomping beneath their immense weight. They looked at us with hungry eyes. Snowball cowered behind me. We were going to be pigswill at this rate. I had to get us out of this mess. After all, I was the tom here. I took some deep breaths, trying to calm myself down even though the animals were almost upon us.

‘OK, they aren’t as big as cows. How about we run through their legs?’ I suggested. Although I was terrified, I couldn’t see another way out.

‘We could try, but look at those feet, the weight they carry. I wouldn’t want to get trampled under them.’ Snowball shivered. We were both cold and scared. This romantic day wasn’t turning out quite how I had expected.

‘I know,’ I said, ‘but look, we have no option – they look like they want to eat us!’ I tried to be the man of the relationship – the pigs were only inches away from us. I had to act, so I sort of pushed Snowball a bit and then darted between the legs of the nearest pig, looking behind to check she was following.‘Come on, Snowy, it’ll be fine,’ I encouraged, as one of the pigs gave an angry snort.

Snowball didn’t hang around; she ran for it and joined me. The pigs looked a bit confused but luckily their bulk slowed them down as they tried to come after us. We were far quicker and after a couple more pig-dodges we emerged triumphant, relieved, and thankful to be safe. The rain had eased off and was now more of a drizzle.

‘Shall we risk going back home in this?’ I asked.

‘Best do, I don’t fancy my chances with those pigs.’

‘You’ve been so calm around the farm animals so far,’ I pointed out. Snowball looked even more terrified than I felt.

‘I know, but pigs … As I said, I don’t have much experience of them, but I’ve heard things.’ Her eyes shone with fear.

‘They did look as if they’d be happy to eat us both.’ I looked around so we could start our journey home and my heart sank yet again.‘Snowball?’

‘Yes, Alfie?’ She was trying to clean some straw from her fur.

‘Which way is home?’ I asked. She stopped what she was doing and looked at me. I stared glumly back at her. I had no idea where we were.

‘Oh no, we were in such a rush to get out of the rain, I didn’t even notice which direction we were going,’ she cried.

Could this day get any worse? I looked around again but all I could see were fields. Fields in all directions – and they all looked the same. We were well and truly lost.

As we discussed what to do next, I led us to a nearby hedge so at least we could shelter from the rain while we argued.

‘I think we just head off and hope for the best,’ I said.

‘Great, Alfie, you always have a smart plan and now you’re saying that we just head off with no idea where we’re going,’ Snowball snapped. I knew she was cross but I felt that was unfair. It wasn’t just my fault we were lost after all. I was nestling further into the hedge when something – or rather someone – stopped me, and I found myself nose to nose with a rather large, shabby tabby.

‘Hiss,’ he said.

‘Hello.’ I kept it friendly. He was much bigger than me after all. That said, I liked to pride myself on staying trim and taking care of my appearance, and the same certainly couldn’t be said for this cat.

‘Who are you?’ he asked.

‘I’m Alfie and this is Snowball. We’re on holiday with our families.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous, cats don’t go on holiday.’ He grimaced, showing quite sharp teeth, and for a moment I wasn’t sure if he was going to attack. I tried to keep calm, my ears moving sideways with nerves and my tail swaying. I wasn’t an aggressive cat but I did have my girlfriend to protect.

‘I know it’s quite strange, but honestly we are,’ Snowball replied, stepping forwards. The tabby took one look at her blue eyes and white fur and immediately preened himself, sitting up straighter and waving his tail in a friendly gesture. A bit too friendly, if you ask me.

‘How are you doing?’ he asked, grinning. ‘Let me introduce myself. I’m Roddy and I’m a local resident. I’m sorry if you think me rude but, well, I’m not used to visiting cats.’ He blinked at Snowball, which is our equivalent of blowing kisses. Just who did this Roddy think he was?

‘We live in London,’ I replied haughtily. Anyone who thinks that cats don’t flirt should have seen him as he stretched out his paws and wrapped his tail neatly round his body. I decided he was too big and scruffy to be considered good-looking, which was a relief. I, with my blue-grey fur and svelte figure, was often complimented on my handsomeness. In any case, I was pretty secure in my looks and I knew Snowball was loyal, so I tried to relax a bit.

‘London, you say? Well I don’t know anything about that.’ He was looking directly at Snowball.

‘The thing is,’ Snowball said, a little bit too flirtatiously, ‘we’re a little lost. We tried to shelter from the rain and ended up trapped in a barn with some rather unfriendly pigs and now we don’t know how to get back to the holiday house.’ She tilted her head, and I saw that already Roddy was smitten.

‘Where are you staying?’ he asked, puffing his chest out. ‘I’m a bit of an expert on these parts.’

‘A big house,’ I replied, not exactly enjoying this exchange, though I acknowledged he was probably our best hope.

‘That narrows it down,’ he said sarcastically.

‘Well Roddy,’ purred Snowball, stretching out her paws, ‘it’s near the farm, we have hens on the edge of the garden and there’s a field of cows directly in front of us.’

‘Ah, I know where you mean. Right, city cats, follow me and I’ll have you home in no time.’

Despite us getting a bit wet and being a little bit stressed from our adventure, Roddy got us home safely, and although I was still a bit annoyed at his flirting with my girlfriend, I thanked him graciously. I was relieved. As we left him at the door, he was still marvelling at how odd it was for cats to go on holiday.

The fire wasn’t lit as the house was empty, but it was warm as we lay down in front of it to dry off. I decided that, as our romantic trip had been my idea, I would be magnanimous.

‘I’m sorry that our day went a bit wrong,’ I said, nuzzling into Snowball’s neck.

‘And I’m sorry I snapped. I was just scared. But you took care of me, like always,’ she said, returning the nuzzle.

‘Well, it was Roddy who saved us,’ I pointed out.

‘Maybe, but you’re my hero, not him,’ she said, and I couldn’t have felt happier.

The door opened and our families, dripping wet, walked into the living room.

‘Let’s light the fire and get ourselves out of these wet clothes before we catch pneumonia,’ Karen said.

‘Look at those two, just relaxing by the warm hearth while we nearly drowned on the beach,’ Jonathan said, getting the kindling into the grate. With our eyes half closed, Snowball and I grinned at each other. How little they knew.

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