Your First Grandchild
The survival guide for every
new grandparent
Claire Nielson,
Paul Greenwood
and Peggy Vance

I’ve made up a new name for you, Gran! I’m going to call you ‘Old Bones’.

Harry: When I grow up I’m going to marry Grandpa.

Mum: I’m afraid you can’t do that, Harry.

Harry: Why not?

Mum: Because he’s my father.

Harry: Well, you married my father!

Joe: You’re never going to die, are you Grandma?

Gran: (Gently breaking the bad news.) Well, I might have to some day, you know, Joe.

Joe: Oh well, could you do it when I’m at school?

Gran: (Showing granddaughter photo of herself at twenty)

Who do you think that is, Anna?

Anna: Don’t know.

Gran: (Disappointed) It’s me when I was young.

Anna: You’re still young, Gran.

I love my Gran and Grandpa because they are nice and soft to cuddle, and Gran has holes in her ears, and Grandpa has hairs in his nose and they sleep a lot.

My bed is beside my Grandad’s and he holds my hand while I go to sleep.

When we arrive at my Nan’s house, she always says, ‘Mercy, it’s the invasion!’

Park there, Grandpa. Look, no bloody yellow lines.

Nan, I dreamt that you were flying about in the air, holding a cup of tea.

Grandpa: Why are you crying, Tom?

Tom: I’m sad for my baby sister.

Grandpa: Why?

Tom: ‘Cos she’s bald like you, Grandpa, and she’s a girl!

It was said of the novelist, Sir Hugh Walpole, that he did not speak at all until he was three and a half years old, by which time his family had almost given up hope and feared for his mental capabilities. One day, his grandmother accidentally scalded him on the hand whilst pouring tea. The boy was brave about it but was obviously in some pain. After a time his grandmother asked him if he was feeling any better. Out came little Hugh’s first words ever … ‘Thank you, Grandmama, the agony has somewhat abated.’

Contents

Cover Page

Title Page

Excerpt

Introduction

1 I Can’t Be a Grandparent: The Announcement

2 Only 230 Knitting Days: The Pregnancy and Birth

3 Rather You Than Me: The Immediate Postnatal Period

4 Here We Go Again: Baby Takes Over

5 The Techno Babe: Gizmos, Gadgets and What Not To Do with Them

6 They’re Wonderful Parents, But … What Grandparents Really Think

7 They’re Wonderful Grandparents, But … What Parents Really Think

8 Discipline: Showing Who’s Boss

9 Eating: Crisps, Chips and Chocolate!

10 The Night Shift: But I’m Not Tired …

11 I’ve Never Seen Her in It: Children’s Clothes

12 Bottom Bits: ‘Darling, She’s Done a Poo …’

13 Developing Potential: Bringing Out the Best

Practical Matters: Safety in the Home

Index

Copyright

About the Publisher

Introduction

How did this book come to be written? I suppose it was the result of a rare lunch I enjoyed with my daughter about a year ago. I say rare because, since she became a mother, the number of times we have been able to lunch alone together can be counted on one finger. Anyway, during our meal we were discussing (and laughing about) our unusual family, when it dawned on us that it might not be all that unusual – that, in fact, it is fairly representative of late 20th-century trends.

We seem to cover all possible modern scenarios. I am a grandmother, divorced from my first husband (now deceased) and remarried to a second husband, Paul, who is therefore a stepgrandfather. Paul is also divorced, with one daughter from an early relationship, one adopted daughter from his first marriage, and one stepdaughter, Peggy, from his second marriage to me. Complicated, isn’t it?

I shall never forget the devastating moment when I told Peggy that I had fallen in love with Paul and that he was coming to live with us. She looked at me with all the world-weariness of 12 years spent with a mad actress mother and said, ‘You know, Mum, sometimes I wonder if I can take much more of you.’ Luckily for me and for Paul, she could and did!

Peggy is married to a British-born Sikh, Dharminder, so we have mixed-race grandchildren. Our grandson, Sky, is four years old, and our granddaughter, Biba, is two. Peggy and Dharminder both work, so although Peggy is based at home, she has help with the children. Paul and I are actors – writing, directing and teaching as well – so we also work full-time and, typically for modern grandparents, don’t live around the corner from our grandchildren, but a two-hour drive away: Peggy and Dharminder are in London while we are near Stratford-on-Avon. The children’s paternal grandmother, a widow, also lives two hours away from them, in Leicester.

So there you have it. As people who might be described as ‘modern’ grandparents, we decided to try to write an up-to-the-minute account of how our new role has changed and enriched our lives and, indeed, how we manage to juggle our various commitments.

That was how the idea began. After that, as word spread about the book, so many people made contact and expressed an interest that we realized that the book might become more than just a personal account. Potentially, it could also reflect the views and experiences of many other families – both nuclear and fragmented as our own. When my husband and I travelled to the United States on tour with Henry VIII (now there’s a complicated family man for you!) all kinds of American family experiences were recounted to us too.

I have been constantly delighted by people’s enthusiastic reaction to our subject. Far from having to coax information and opinions out of them, grandparents, parents and grandchildren alike have been delighted to share experiences and pour out confidences. So much so that, in the end, I found I had amassed enough material for several novels!

There seems to be a widespread resurgence of interest in the whole question of grandparenting. After a partial eclipse, the importance of the relationship is assuming its rightful place in the general consciousness. Recently, the novelist and grandparent Alice Thomas Ellis wrote (in The Times, 26th September 1998):

Social engineering has interfered with natural processes and often grandma lives far from the family and cannot assist on a daily basis. A surprising number of young women seem to regret this. Having grown out of the rebellious teenage stage they find they want their mothers … New man has not quite lived up to expectations …

This article was written in response to a new theory of evolution, hot from Dr Kristen Hawks of the University of Utah, which asserts that man’s biological success in becoming a larger-brained species was entirely thanks to grandparents:

Grannies were able to forage for roots and vegetables which they could give to their daughters when they were having babies, creating a well-nourished, thriving third generation … Grannies became so important that the menopause evolved to stop them having children of their own late in life.

Apparently, we are the only species in which the female has a menopause, which allows her to become a good, foraging granny! Well, we may no longer be in charge of grubbing for roots and vegetables, but there are still many other ways in which grannies, and grandfathers too, can help – as we have tried to suggest in this book – to create a thriving third generation.

We hope you get as much fun and pleasure from being grandparents as we do.

Chapter 1

I Can’t Be a Grandparent
The Announcement

‘Mum? Listen! I’m pregnant. You’re going to be grandparents!’

No matter how often you may have anticipated this news and even longed for it to come, no one can be prepared for the wave of emotion that hits you upon actually hearing it. I remember clearly the moment of my daughter’s phone call – the joy, excitement, relief and slight apprehension; the feeling of being about to step into a new role, and the awareness that my genes were being carried on into the future. I remember shouting to my husband, ‘You’re going to be a Grandpa,’ and his rather startled expression.

Dozens of thoughts raced around my mind at once, because nothing can prepare you for the peculiar mixture of emotions you feel when you hear the big news. Of course, some of you will already know what I’m talking about. Questions come tumbling out: ‘When is it due? How do you feel? When did you find out? How does X feel about it? (The partner, if involved.) Have you got morning sickness? Have you told anyone else yet?’

And the unspoken questions: ‘Have you any idea of just how much your lives are about to change? How on earth are you going to manage in that little flat? What’ll happen when you’ve only got one lot of money coming in?’ There is sometimes even a little selfish demon muttering things like, ‘But I’m too young!’ ‘I’m not ready to be a grandparent yet!’ ‘What about my busy schedule?’

Peggy Writes

Telling Mum and Paul was probably the most exciting moment of the pregnancy. After my husband, they were the first to know. It was only in telling them that I really believed it myself. Before that, it was as if I had made it up – it just didn’t seem possible. I had done four tests, as the first was very faint, and although they were all positive I wondered whether they were wrong. When I told them this, they laughed and reassured me – which, in a way, has been their role ever since.

Reactions

Reactions to the big news vary in the extreme. Rather like the parents themselves, the grandparents-to-be may shuttle backwards and forwards between excitement and apprehension. One young woman’s mother and father arrived on her doorstep the day after they’d heard, bearing armfuls of flowers and champagne: ‘I couldn’t drink the champagne, of course, but I needn’t have worried, they had the lot! But I just couldn’t believe how thrilled they were. They’d taken a plane from Scotland especially. Their happiness took away any slight misgivings we may have had and convinced us we’d done the right thing.’

Another was not so lucky: ‘The first thing my mother said to me on hearing the news was, “Well, I hope you don’t expect me to look after it for you.” I was shattered. I had phoned her full of excitement and so happy and she burst my balloon. I felt as if she had slapped me over the face. I cried my eyes out when I got off the phone.’

One grandmother (in the book Grandmothers Talking to Nell Dunn) said, ’I think the real function of grandparents is to support the parents – above all.’ A wise remark – and this support cannot start too soon, right from the moment you hear the news. If, by any chance, you have any misgivings, now is not the time to express them. Just keep right in there behind the parent, or parents as the case may be. After all, they’ve usually got enough anxieties without our adding to them.

‘My first reaction was very mixed because my son wasn’t married to his girlfriend at the time. I told him they should tie the knot right away, but he said he didn’t want anyone to think it was a shotgun wedding. Also, I suppose, because they weren’t married, I had never thought of myself as a grandmother before. It was a bit of a shock.’

It’s a good idea to vocalize your support, be it practical or financial, or both. There’s nothing more reassuring to a young couple starting out on that biggest rite of passage than to know that they have some help to fall back on. And, of course, this is all the more so in the case of a single mother. No pregnant woman bravely facing bringing up a child alone needs to hear anything negative.

‘For 11 years my daughter had told me that I would never be a grandmother because the doctors had pronounced her infertile. So of course I was utterly delighted, really over the moon, because I never expected it. And they decided to get married too. I said to them, “Don’t get married for my sake,” but they insisted they wanted to anyway. No, really, apart from having my own child, I couldn’t have felt more pleased about anything. Well, I was ready for it. I didn’t want to be too old a Grandma. I am 65.’

‘When I Had You’

Another area in which grandparents (all right, perhaps more usually grandmothers) can be supportive is in being open-minded about healthcare choices during pregnancy and the parents’ plans for the birth. These can sometimes seem very bizarre to our generation, but as will be explained in more detail later, pregnancy care and birth practices have changed beyond belief over the past 20, not to say 30, years. So if you don’t know what she is talking about when it comes to folic acid or toxoplasmosis, ask her what they mean, and don’t pooh-pooh things you don’t know about yet. I say this from experience because I was quite a sceptic until I knew better!

Help! What Does It Mean?

Active Birth: Coined by the famous pioneer of natural childbirth, Janet Balaskas, this term describes labours in which the mother remains mobile, with complete freedom of movement. She may choose to walk about, to squat, to kneel or to lean on her birth partner. Of course, she may also lie down, but only if it is her choice to do so. This body-centred approach encourages the mother to have faith in the natural process of birth and to use breathing, meditation, massage and water for pain relief. The International Active Birth Movement promotes this approach worldwide and is based at the Active Birth Centre in London.

Water Birth: The therapeutic properties of water have been known about for thousands of years and women have always used water as a relaxant – think of how having a bath helped the cramps of period pains. Today, at long last, water is recognized as a highly effective form of pain relief for labour and birth. Whether the mother simply showers or gets in the bath, or whether she uses a purpose-designed birth pool, the effect is similar. The benefit of a pool, however, is that the woman has more mobility in it and can stay in it comfortably for hours. Most women choose to come out for the actual birth, and some to stay in – often they don’t know exactly what they will decide to do until the time comes. Babies born under water don’t take their first breath until they are brought up to the surface, but if you are worried about what might seem like a danger, then – rather than battle with the mother over the issue – resist commenting until you know more. Buy a book on the subject, read up, and if you are still concerned, talk to the obstetrician (with the mother’s permission).

It’s very important, too, not to indulge in any scare stories. No matter what a hard time you had giving birth, no daughter or daughter-in-law wants to hear about it. Nor son-in-law for that matter. I know my own mother scared the life out of me by telling me that she was dreading my labour because she’d had three difficult births – ‘They were AGONY, darling!’ – and that as I was as narrow-hipped as she was, so she feared for a similar experience. In the event, her dire prophecies proved quite unfounded and she could have saved me quite a lot of apprehension had she kept her misgivings to herself. I know it was because she genuinely didn’t want me to suffer, but there is no need to anticipate something that may never happen.

Your New Status

Everyone needs to have access both to grandparents and grandchildren in order to be a full human being.

Margaret Mead

Grandparents can have a huge and lasting influence in the life of the coming child. Just think how seldom you hear people bad-mouthing grandparents compared to the general berating of poor parents that goes on! Indeed, grandparents are often remembered with intense love and respect – a respect not always consciously incurred.

Paul Writes

I loved my grandfather. He would sit in his chair and spit in the fire. It used to sizzle on the coal. He’d put clouds of grey pepper over his chips, then leave most of them. I hated pepper so I couldn’t eat any. But he always had time to play with me.

It does seem to be true that alone with their grandparents, children relax, perhaps because they are not as emotionally involved with them as with their parents. Also, most grandparents have this great plus – novelty value! In many cases, Grandma and Grandad arrive, have a great time spoiling their grandchildren and then disappear again. Or the grandchild comes for a lovely and special visit. The poor parents stand little chance of competing with this when they’ve got to do all the day-to-day care and disciplining that goes with parenting.

So when you get the big news you can bask in dreams of how much fun you’re going to have and how popular you are going to be. Never mind all these wet wipes and tissues you’re going to have to start carrying about your person.

Ageing Worries – and How to Lose Them
Paul Writes

As a step-Grandpa-to-be, when I heard the news I naturally didn’t experience any feeling of pride that my own genes were being carried on. However, somehow that didn’t in the least diminish my excitement and joy. I felt elated, but at the same time hoped I’d make the grade as a grandparent, as I felt I was quite young and immature myself. And. yes. I suppose – if I’m being very honest – there was a bit of panic at the idea of becoming that venerable being, a grandfather.

There’s no doubt about it, getting used to the idea of being a grandparent requires quite a big shift in one’s thinking. As Sheila Kitzinger says, It is a rite of passage which is not made nearly such a fuss of as motherhood, quite rightly, as it is not such an enormous life change, but still it is a life change and as such has not been greatly acknowledged.’

Interestingly enough, from the cross-section of people I have talked to for this book, it seems to be men who have most difficulty in adapting to the idea of being that archetypal figure connected with old age: a grandparent. One man was startlingly honest: 1 was horrified. I didn’t like the idea of being a grandfather at all. It put an image into my mind of old people and I don’t feel old at all inside.’

I had thought it might be women who would have more trouble with moving into the third generation. I suppose I was unconsciously accepting the tendency of ageism to focus on women (all those little-old-lady stereotypes of grandmothers knitting in rocking chairs). Possibly women are just cleverer about hiding their fears about it, but they genuinely seem more easy in the role than men. As one woman said, ‘When my first grandchild was born, I lost my fear of ageing. Everything seemed to fall into place. Besides, she sits on my knee and says, “I love your lines, Grandma.”’

Perhaps this acceptance is also made easier for women because, in spite of all the ‘Glamorous Grannies’ around, many are not as sexually active as they once were. Older men, on the other hand, are often still considered to be contestants in the sexual arena. Even if they don’t want to play! If, in front of a younger woman, a man says, ‘my grandchild’, it immediately places him in an age bracket to which he may not wish to belong, especially if he looks younger than he is.

For some women, however, difficulties arise when they are either still fertile themselves or newly menopausal. A friend admitted that when she heard the news, she was ashamed to feel rather envious of her daughter’s fecundity and that she immediately had the desire to become pregnant. (This impulse may partly explain the number of nieces and nephews who are older than their aunts and uncles.)

As women, one of the hardest facts we have to face up to is our loss of fertility at quite an early age in comparison with men. All I can say to comfort any grandmother-to-be with faint yearnings in this direction is that these feelings are usually extinguished by the birth of the grandchild, when you can re-experience almost all your maternal delights without the sleeplessness and anxiety that went with them the first time around.

As for all you young-looking grandmothers and grandfathers-to-be, you can look forward to astonished faces and flattering remarks: ‘You can’t be a grandparent – it’s impossible!’

R.U.S.C!

After receiving the news, try to remember that you still have several months in which to psyche yourself to become R.U.S.C! – RELIABLE, UNCRITICAL, SUPPORTIVE and CALM. Practise the skill of biting your tongue before offering a suggestion, unless you are appealed to directly for your opinion – and even then think carefully before replying. Above all, prepare yourself for any ideas you might come up with to be rejected as old-fashioned and completely ridiculous. Learn to smile in a jolly way when you are made fun of. Try to remember what you were like yourself as a young mother or father, and how you felt when your parents or parents-in-law made what seemed to you utterly unsuitable suggestions. Acknowledge to yourself that things keep moving on, especially ideas on childcare. Remember even the late, great Dr Spock was somewhat discredited in the end – especially by himself!

A fine method of whiling away the time before the birth is to find out which childcare books (if any) the parents-to-be are reading and read them yourself. A great deal of potential conflict can be avoided if this is done. You may not entirely agree with every new idea, but at least you will have an informed opinion – and more insight into what has contributed to their choices. Much better to discuss calmly the various methods and theories before the birth, than to argue and criticize later when the young parents are struggling to do their best as they see it. An intelligent mind is an open mind, and that has nothing to do with age.

Celebrate!

For the moment, just think of the fun you can have rushing around telling everyone that you’re expecting your first grandchild and observing their reactions. Not everyone will be interested; some may even look at you with a pitying expression (‘Poor old thing, you really are past it’), but good friends will share your delight, especially those who already have grandchildren themselves. So, if you are among the lucky ones who have just received the big news, go out and celebrate. You are about to move on to a new and wonderful time of your lives!

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