COPYRIGHT

HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published by HarperCollinsPublishers 2009

Copyright © 2009 Rachel Perez

Illustrations by Chuck Gonzales

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks

HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication

Source ISBN: 9780007851485

Ebook Edition © APRIL 2017 ISBN: 9780007483471

Version: 2017-05-02

DEDICATION

To Margaret

Thank you Jeannine for great revisions and suggestions and irritating people

the world over for inspiring the scenarios. Also special thanks to Eva Martinez, Antonio

Martinez, Tesi Villanueva, Neil Dowden, and Silke Braun for all their work on the book.

CONTENTS

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Learn How to Give ’em Hell Like a Native!

Pronouncing Spanish

Situation #1: Empanada Bandidos

Situation #2: Revenge of the Yanquis

Situation #3: Cerveza Goggles

Situation #4: Is that a Fertilized Egg in There or are You Just Overweight?

Situation #5: Battle of the Bulge

Situation #6: The Sun also Presses the Snooze Button

Situation #7: Two Left Feet

Situation #8: Urban Sombrero

Situation #9: Ashes to Asses

Situation #10: Running of the Bullies

Situation #11: Fútbol Follies

Situation #12: Ancient Truths

Situation #13: The Rain in Spain

Situation #14: In Vino Veritas

Situation #15: Vista Conquistador

Situation #16: Dropping the Eavesdropper!

Situation #17: Not so Jolly Giant

Situation #18: Thou Shall not Mooch

Situation #19: Aircraft Guitar

Situation #20: Sangría Wars

Situation #21: Someone in Portugal can’t Hear You

Situation #22: Planeta of the Apes

Situation #23: “Are we Having Fun Yet?”

Situation #24: Siestas for the Rest of Us

Situation #25: Logorrhea

Situation #26: Don Juan Wannabe

Situation #27: El Rastro Rascal

Situation #28: Nevermind the Bollocks

Situation #29: Mira, Mira on the Wall …

Situation #30: Real Hombres Eat Meat

Situation #31: Getting Soaked Without a Drop to Drink

Situation #32: Radio Daze

Situation #33: Got Agua?

Situation #34: Empire Strikes Back

Situation #35: Chili Reception

Situation #36: There Goes the Sun

Situation #37: Loco Flamenco

Situation #38: An Excruciating Epiphany

Situation #39: Frost in Translation

Situation #40: Hit the Road, Jacinto!

Situation #41: The Barefoot Contessa

Situation #42: Sea Dreams

Situation #43: Matador Brats

Situation #44: The Artful Dodger

Situation #45: Fresh Fruit

About the Publisher

LEARN HOW TO GIVE ’EM HELL LIKE A NATIVE!

If you don’t have anything nice to say, then say it! There are heaps of great put-downs, clever comebacks, unflattering analogies, and other unpleasantries to choose from, especially in Spanish! But wait a minute. With the beautiful beaches, great wine, enchanting music, laid-back companions, and all-night revelry, what could possibly go wrong? Well, you could be stomped on by a flamenco dancer, for one, bullied on the day of a bullfight, stabbed with toothpicks in a tapas frenzy, or even be mistaken for a piñata. What if some little rascals get their hands on your empanadas or your perfect view of el mar gets blocked by body parts that should never have seen the light of day?

When it comes to foul language, preoccupations with sex and genitalia cross cultural boundaries, as do garden-variety attacks on size and intelligence. Yet Spanish has quite a colorful array of ways to get even and come out on top. Sure, you should practice saying buenos diás, lo siento, and ¿cómo están?, but sometimes it’s not a good day and you’re not sorry. After all, a brutish woman could have cut you off on the sangria line after you waited an eternity for a taste of the fruity delight or a jackass with a mullet might be ruining every shot you take in Barcelona.

In this book, you’ll find forty-five aggravating scenarios that you might—even in the land of siestas and fiestas—find yourself in, along with advice on how to get out of them, what to say, and why it’s okay to say it.

Hopefully your trip will be as care- and incident-free as a walk in el parque. But if you find yourself hot under the collar in the land of the sun, you know where to turn. Whether you sling these, fling them, or pronounce them with delicacy and finesse, make sure you always get in the last word … or at least the most offensive.