WHY MEN MARRY SOME WOMEN AND NOT OTHERS
JOHN T. MOLLOY

Dedication

This book, along with everything else I do, is dedicated to Maureen and Rob

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

Introduction

1. The Marrying Kind

2. First Impressions

3. Women Men Marry

4. The Stages in a Relationship

5. Speaking of Marriage

6. Marrying After Forty

7. Widowed and Divorced Men: Handle with Care

8. Meeting Online

Conclusion: Defending Marriage

Acknowledgments

Also by the Author

Copyright

About the Publisher

Introduction

Any single woman who lets the research in this book be her guide has not only a better chance of marrying, but also a better chance of marrying the man she truly desires. I personally oversaw the studies on which the text is based and used the same team that has been conducting dress, image, and sales research for Fortune 500 corporations and government agencies, both here and abroad, for more than forty years.

This book is not a set of rules on how to manipulate a man into marriage. Rather, it’s designed to provide women with valid statistical information that will help them make intelligent decisions in their search for that special man.

The first reason I believe this book will help women looking to switch their status from single to married is that its conclusions are based on thorough research. We interviewed, among others, 2,543 women and their fiancés coming out of marriage license bureaus, as well as 221 women in their late thirties and 463 in their forties who had no immediate prospects of marriage. We found that these two groups of women had different attitudes toward love, marriage, and life. We also discovered that unmarried women over forty had treated the men in their lives in a markedly different manner than the women who married in their twenties and early thirties. In addition, we sought information from some specific groups: men who went with one woman for years and immediately after breaking up with her married another; women who let others talk them out of marrying; men who had long-term relationships with one woman after another but never married; men who thought of themselves as confirmed bachelors; and so forth. Naturally, we ran focus groups anytime our interviews left questions unanswered or raised additional questions.

The second reason I believe this book will help women marry is that, during the last eleven years, between three hundred and four hundred single female researchers worked on the project or became familiar with the research, and more than half of them married within three years. Since 19 percent of these women were in their late thirties or early forties and many had virtually given up on the idea of marrying, this is an extraordinarily high number.

Finally, many of the very intelligent women who worked on the project believed the research helped them. I know, because scores of them thanked me personally and/or invited me to their weddings.

How the Project Began

The study was born in the late 1980s when Robin, a researcher I had hired to help me with a survey for a San Francisco firm, called and told me she could not show up the next day. She was calling from her older sister’s place. As it happened, I knew Robin’s sister, Kelly; she had worked for me as a researcher a few years earlier. Apparently, Kelly had just found out that a man she had dated for almost three years and broken up with five months earlier was marrying another woman. Robin said Kelly was so upset she couldn’t leave her and even hinted that Kelly might be suicidal. Then she added, “It’s partially your fault.” Of course, I asked how it could be my fault.

Robin told me it wasn’t the first time this had happened to her sister. Kelly had gone out with another man for two years, and a year after he had broken up with her, he had married someone else. While Kelly was working for me as a researcher, Robin reminded me, I had said over and over: If an event repeats itself, there’s usually a reason for it. Then without another word, Robin hung up.

I was very upset that something I had said could make a person feel suicidal. No matter how innocuous the statement or how innocent my purpose had been, I felt pangs of guilt. Luckily, twenty minutes later the phone rang again. It was Kelly. Not only would Robin work the next morning, she said, but she herself would be willing to help. Then she added, “In return, I’d like you to do me a favor.” Kelly wanted me to spend the afternoon with her, she said, to help her develop a research project that would show her what she was doing wrong with men she dated. The two men had treated her in an identical way, and she was convinced I had been right—there was a reason. She didn’t want to turn off every man she met by making the same mistake she had made with those two.

I didn’t know if I could come up with a study that would uncover such personal information, but she said all she asked was that I do my best. When I continued to hesitate, Robin got on the phone and pleaded with me to help. Reluctantly, I agreed. I knew Kelly was a very good researcher, and I was confident that if I developed a survey, she had the skills to use it effectively.

The next day, I told them the plan I’d hatched after getting off the phone with them the previous evening. Since Kelly wanted to know why two men she’d dated had married someone else, my plan was to stop couples coming out of the marriage license bureau and ask them about their relationships. That would let us compare her relationships to their relationships and see if there were any significant differences.

Kelly loved my idea, and we went to work. A majority of the engaged couples were young, in a good mood, and more than willing to talk about how, when, and where they had met and courted. First we asked general questions about their relationships; then we became more specific. The first step we took was to separate the men from the women, because, as experienced researchers, we knew both parties’ answers would be more open and honest if the future spouse was not listening. We found a local diner and paid the owner to let us use the back room. I took the men to one table, and the two sisters took the women to another. We supplied refreshments and did our best to make them feel comfortable and relaxed.

After talking with the first three couples, we compared notes and added questions that would fill in gaps in our information. We quickly approached two more couples and interviewed them in the same place. This time, we tailored our questions to cover specific topics we thought needed further investigation. Before the marriage license bureau closed, we had questioned four sets of three or more couples, refining our approach after each set.

By the end of the day, Kelly reported that she knew exactly what she was doing wrong with the men she dated. I sat her down and told her she was too good a researcher to say that. We had interviewed only fourteen people each, and there was no way data from such a small sample could answer a question as complex as the one she had raised. Nevertheless, Kelly declared, she knew the answer: “My mistake was that I was not committed enough to marriage to insist on it.”

She saw the irony of her statement. She went on to observe that women like to accuse men of not being able to commit, but some of those same women aren’t committed enough to getting married to demand that their boyfriends marry them.

During her last two sets of interviews, without letting me know, Kelly had asked a new question: “If on your way to the marriage license bureau, your man had turned to you and said, ‘I’m not ready,’ or ‘I just can’t see myself as a married man,’ or something similar, what would you have done?” As she was driving with her first fiancé to get their marriage license, Kelly told me, he had announced he was not ready for marriage and turned the car around. She’d agreed to give him time, and she was now convinced she had made a mistake.

Sixty percent of the women coming out of marriage license bureaus she interviewed that day (and, as it turned out, more than 60 percent of the women we were to interview over the next ten years) gave essentially the same answer. They would give their intended an ultimatum: Marry me, or else.

Their answers were not identical in content or tone. A number of the women said they would give him an ultimatum the instant the question was raised, but most only hinted that they would leave him. Bear in mind, these were women who had just picked up a marriage license with the man of their dreams. Most could not bring themselves to say they would dump him. A majority said they would talk to their fiancé and help him get over his nerves. The women assumed their fiancés would just be suffering from a case of the prenuptial jitters. Their answers were generally more conciliatory than “I’d get rid of him.” When the question was refined, however, to stipulate that no matter what they did or said, he maintained he was not ready for marriage and didn’t know when or if he ever would be, nearly 60 percent indicated that they would break up with him. Most added, by way of explanation, that they would not let these men ruin their lives.

Kelly understood that interviewing a handful of couples really didn’t give her a statistically meaningful answer. But she assured me that she was willing to interview as many couples as it took to develop one. Kelly, Robin, and I spent several hours at an airport restaurant as I waited for my flight, fleshing out a survey that would identify the differences between relationships that led to marriage and those that did not.

I took a copy of the survey with me to polish on the plane. After I got home, we spent two hours on the telephone putting together a questionnaire and working out interviewing procedures. I agreed that when Kelly sent me the raw data, I would write a report.

After a month or two, I stopped watching my mail for the results of the survey. I figured Kelly had given up on the project, since she thought she had already found the answer she needed. Six months later, when UPS delivered an enormous box of papers, I was flabbergasted. She had questioned not only people coming out of the San Francisco marriage license bureau but also newly married couples, as well as twenty-three men who had serious relationships with one woman but married another shortly after breaking off with the first. Kelly had expanded the research, and although she’d made a few mistakes in approach, most of her information was valid.

Because I had to redo one of the focus groups and survey 140 engaged couples myself, it took me almost five months to put together the report. When I shipped it off to Kelly, I thanked her for the agreement she had sent giving me exclusive rights to the research. I’m sure it was a carrot to get me to spend time fine-tuning and analyzing the material. Nevertheless, I included with the report the standard nondisclosure agreement I have all my researchers sign, even though at the time I had no intention of using the material to write a book. The commitment I had made on the spur of the moment had cost me so much time and money that I didn’t want to look at that research ever again.

The First to Test the Research

Almost two years to the day after Kelly had started the research, she called to tell me she was getting married. She had followed the guidance she had gleaned from her own research. She had found a new man she was crazy about, but she had not let him treat her the way the first two men did. Kelly also reported that her sister, Robin, had just become engaged, and she thought the reason she had no problem getting her boyfriend to commit was that she had also used my report as her guide. That was nine years ago.

In October 1993, the next stage of the research had its beginning when another young woman, Karen, confronted me in the hallway of a company where I was running training sessions in nonverbal sales techniques. She complained that my report on getting married—which was being passed around without my permission—did not answer all the questions she had. Karen indignantly pointed out that, according to the report, there’s a certain time in most relationships when men are most likely to commit—but the report never explained when that occurs. She was outraged that I thought there were stages in relationships but had not bothered to identify them. “Don’t you think you have an obligation to find out?” she demanded.

This irate young woman also wanted to know if, after several dates, a bright woman could tell if a man was a prospective husband or an immature clown. When Karen paused for breath, I asked her if she had a copy of the report. Without missing a beat, she pulled one from her purse. I explained that the report was only a research summary, hoping this would get her to back off. Instead, Karen asked if I would design a survey to answer her questions. I had her sign the agreements necessary if I ever wanted to include the research in a book, but the real reason I went along with her proposal was that she was one of my star pupils in the sales course, and I wanted to keep her happy.

I promised to develop the survey on three conditions. First, only the people who attended my sales sessions could conduct the survey. Second, she and her friends could not talk about what we were doing. Third, the research procedure must be followed exactly as designed, and no one could make changes without my permission. She immediately agreed to all my conditions, and I designed a small survey that would answer most of her questions. I agreed, as I had with Kelly, that after she finished the project, I would take the raw data and summarize it.

A couple of months later, this second group turned in their survey results. Not trained researchers, they hadn’t done as good a job as Kelly’s group; in fact, some of their questioning was rather sloppy. Nevertheless, they had come up with some interesting information. When I combined their data with the first study, it turned out to be one of those times when one plus one added up to more than two. The research also raised more questions than it answered, but I still never thought it would become a book.

Once word got out that I had such a report, almost every unmarried woman who worked for me and hundreds of their friends asked to read it. Some even reviewed the raw data. At least thirty groups of female researchers volunteered to conduct additional surveys if I would analyze the data they collected. I refused all but two of these offers, because I began to see a potential book and knew I had to control all future research. I spent three months in the field developing the final version of the marriage license bureau surveys.

I was aware of the “rose-colored-glasses” effect and considered it when interpreting the data. When interviewing couples who’d just picked up marriage licenses, asking them to describe the person with whom they intended to spend the rest of their lives, I expected their descriptions to be unrealistic. If there was any moment in their lives when they were going to look at their mates through rose-colored glasses, this would be it. It’s the old “I-bought-it” factor. If you ask people shopping for their first minivan which one is the best on the market, most will say they aren’t sure. Even those who have decided which minivan they intend to buy are likely to qualify their answers. But if you ask the same respondents the same question after they have just purchased a van, most will tell you the one they own is the best.

Concluding the Research

I took over the research in 1994 and developed several versions of the survey to look at different aspects of the subject. After that, I spent several hours in front of marriage license bureaus questioning people in every area I visited. The nature of some research makes the skill and experience of the researcher very important, so from that point on, I used only experienced researchers or conducted the research myself.

Questions about sex, for example, really demand using only experienced researchers. In addition, we found that older researchers of the same gender elicited far more open and honest responses than younger ones, so we used older researchers when discussing sex. Whenever possible, I personally led focus groups, because I can get more information out of them than anyone who works for me. My people and I worked on this until June 2000.

Six Findings on the Path to Marrying Men

The first thing we learned from the research was that Kelly’s early conclusion was right on target. The primary difference between women who marry and those who do not is this:

Women who marry insist on marriage. They settle for nothing else.

The second thing we learned is:

Women who married were far less likely to have wasted their time in dead-end relationships.

Many of them told us they’d had previous relationships that were serious but broke them off because they were going nowhere.

Third:

Women who married loved themselves more than they loved any man.

You can best understand their thinking if you examine why a majority of them referred to the men they dropped as “losers.” At first I thought they meant the men were failures in business or socially, but that was not the case.

The reason most of these women thought of their former boyfriends as losers was that these men would not commit, and as a result did not meet the women’s needs.

Fourth, this study showed that:

Women who are committed to the idea of marriage are much more likely to marry than those who are not.

There is no question some women marry because they are beautiful, lucky, or charming. They meet a man they like who is crazy about them and cannot wait to marry them. Without much commitment or effort, they walk down the aisle. In most cases, however, marriage is a result of women putting pressure, sometimes subtle and sometimes not so subtle, on the men who marry them.

Which leads to the fifth statistical truth:

Women who are slender have an easier time meeting men and better odds of getting married.

The women getting their marriage licenses were more slender than the women who were single. By keeping yourself in shape and your appearance up, you’re more likely to attract men. And let’s face it, you have to attract a man before you can get close enough to him to determine whether he is marriage material.

The sixth major finding is:

Time is the single woman’s enemy.

To be on the safe side, a woman should start seriously looking for a husband in her late twenties. Assume it takes a couple of years to find out if a man is the man. If he’s not, a woman in her late twenties still has the mobility of the singles scene. She increases her chances dramatically over starting to look at age thirty-one, because it gives her several more years in the singles scene.

Naturally, there are men available at any age, but the pool of men shrinks with time, and it becomes more difficult to meet them.

Like most pop science writers, I try to explain complicated data in relatively simple terms. I am happiest when the information lends itself to listing rules or commandments: Do A, B, C, and D, but do not do E, F, G, or H; wear A, B, C, and D, but never wear E, F, G, or H. Because we are dealing with very complex relationships, this study produced few if any absolute truths. As a result, I have no unbreakable rules or commandments to offer. Instead, at the end of each chapter I list guidelines based on the statistical findings that are designed to increase your odds of marrying.

With the information this book will give you, you can arrange the odds in your favor at any age. Relationships between men and women are too complex to make guarantees, but if you’d like to have the odds on your side in your personal battle of the sexes, read on.

Guidelines for Marrying Men Based on Six Statistical Truths

If you wish to marry:

You must insist on it.

If you find yourself in a dead-end relationship, move on.

Love yourself first.

Commit yourself to the idea of getting married.

Keep in shape, watch your weight, and take care of your appearance.

Time can be your worst enemy. Use time wisely in your search for that marrying man.