I would like to dedicate this book to Britta Harding, whose remarkable talents as a therapist gave me my first glimpse of my own potential and whose remarkable qualities as a friend have given me invaluable support and encouragement throughout my struggle to realize it.

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Acknowledgements

Note to 2014 Edition

Introduction

Chapter 1: Understanding Confidence

Chapter 2: Changing Ourselves and Our World

Chapter 3: Self-knowledge

Chapter 4: Improving Your Self-esteem

Chapter 5: Choosing the Right Style of Behaviour

Chapter 6: Becoming More Assertive

Chapter 7: Good Communication

Chapter 8: Anger and Criticism

Chapter 9: Improving Your Relationships

Chapter 10: Planning Your Programme for Change

Chapter 11: Practical Exercises

Further Reading

Taking It Further

By the same author

Other Titles in This Series

List of Searchable Terms

Copyright

About the Publisher

Acknowledgements

The ideas contained in this programme have been developed through a ‘trial and error’ process, over several years. I am indebted to the many hundreds of people who have attended my courses and given me the honest and constructive criticism which has now enabled me to write this book with confidence! I would particularly like to mention my many friends at MIND YOUR SELF in Leeds, many of whom I originally knew as my ‘clients’ and who now work alongside me as talented and creative counsellors.

I would also like to thank my husband, Stuart, for his never-ending support and very practical midnight editing skills.

Finally, I am grateful to my daughters, Susie and Laura, who have been content to accept periods of ‘not-so-perfect’ mothering during the final stages in the preparation of this book.

Note to 2014 Edition

Twenty-five years have passed since I first wrote this book. During this time, I have continued to pursue this special interest of mine, and my own thinking and practice have obviously developed. So, as I prepared to re-read this book I did wonder whether I would still be able to stand by the opinions and suggestions of my younger self. I was relieved to find that I could, and that only a few minor tweaks in its style and references were needed for this new edition.

The past five years of global economic turbulence have increased competitiveness in almost all walks of life. As a result, maintaining self-confidence has become a challenge for many people who never previously doubted their internal strength and/or their level of social skills. Such people are often reluctant to ask for help from professional coaches and counsellors, as they do not consider their problem (perhaps quite rightly) to be severe enough. They feel they ought to be able to ‘pull themselves together’. And, I do believe they are by and large quite right! Most can re-build shattered confidence on their own, but only if they go about it in a constructive way. Commonly, I have witnessed many people trying to kick and bully themselves forward with cajoling self-talk and unrealistic targets, and, as a result, find that their confidence is knocked back even further.

If you happen to be someone for whom this scenario rings bells, this book could certainly help. It gives a good basic understanding of the specific ingredients of self-confidence and can help you pinpoint exactly where you as an individual could start re-booting it. The step-by-step programme in Chapter 11 is one that I did originally write for small self-help groups. It can, however, be done more privately on your own if that is your preferred or only option.

Introduction

We often talk about confidence as though it were something that Fairy Godmothers bring. We may say, for example, ‘She’s lucky, she’s got loads of confidence’. But are we so sure that we know what we mean when we use the word ‘confidence’? Is it really up to ‘luck’ whether we possess this prized quality or not? If so, are some men and women just ‘born lucky’? If not, how do you go about getting more confidence for yourself?

These are just some of the questions which this book plans to discuss, and to answer.

When I first started running confidence-building workshops, I felt quite anxious. Would people expect me to be the supreme model of confidence? I was only too aware of a number of areas in my life where I was still struggling to maintain a feeling of confidence. I had to remind myself that being confident is not the same as being perfect! I had, once again, to look back at myself as I was in my twenties, in order to remind myself of the gigantic strides forward I had made during the previous 10 to 15 years, and I had to reappraise how this had been achieved. I am not prepared to give the credit for this achievement to Lady Luck because it rightly belongs to myself and to a number of other people who have guided and supported me through these years of growth. This book is an attempt to share what I have gained from this personal learning experience, as well as the knowledge I have acquired as a therapist in helping others to build up their own confidence.

This book is not intended to be digested at thriller-reading speed; it is essentially a workbook, so read it a chapter at a time. Give yourself time to think, observe, and discuss before moving on, so that you can relate its contents to your personal experiences. This book does not offer an instant miracle cure for lack of confidence, but it can guide you along a well-trodden path which has led hundreds of people to a more exciting and enriching life.

The Year 2000 and Beyond

Super Confidence is a very special book for me. It has changed my life. It brought so many new challenges that my own confidence flourished. I have used its success to take me through doors which I would never previously have dreamed of knocking on.

As the sales of my book increased and I was invited to talk and teach on this subject in many diverse venues, I began to realize that a lack of self-confidence frequently lay behind the masks of courage and competence of even society’s highest achievers. I then began to extend my theories into the world of work. There I met many men who demanded to know why I had addressed the first edition primarily to women!

I welcome this opportunity to update and widen the scope of this book. I hope it will now be a useful and practical tool to help anyone of any gender, any age and in any country! I know the skills of confidence-boosting can be easily learned, and when they are regularly practised can undoubtedly improve everyone’s life.

I hope you enjoy using this book to help you take yourself through whichever doors you feel like entering.

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