the good behaviour book
How to have a better-behaved child
from birth to age ten
Dr William Sears and Martha Sears, R.N.
Edited by Caroline Deacon

copyright

Thorsons

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd. 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

HarperThorsons are trademarks of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.

First published by Little, Brown and Company 1995

This revised and updated edition published in 2005 by Thorsons

Copyright © William Sears and Martha Sears 1995, 2005

William Sears and Martha Sears assert the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

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Source ISBN: 9780007198245

Ebook Edition © FEBRUARY 2014 ISBN: 9780007374304

Version: 2016-10-20

contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

A Word About Discipline from Dr Bill and Martha

I: Promoting Desirable Behaviour

Chapter 1: Our Approach to Discipline

Styles of Discipline

Discipline’s Top Ten – An Overview of This Book

Chapter 2: Birth to One Year: Getting Connected

Martha and Matthew – How They Got Connected

Attachment Parenting – The Key to Early Discipline

How Attachment Parenting Makes Discipline Easier

Chapter 3: Understanding Ones, Twos, and Threes

How Toddlers Act – And Why

Talking with Toddlers: What They Can Understand, What They Can’t

Channelling Toddler Behaviours

Providing Structure

Going from Oneness to Separateness: Behaviours to Expect

Helping a Toddler Ease into Independence

From Two to Three

Discipline Gets Easier

Chapter 4: Saying no Positively

The Importance of Saying No

Creative Alternatives to “No”

Respectfully, No!

Making Danger Discipline Stick

Chapter 5: Taming Temper Tantrums

Why Tantrums?

Preventing Tantrums

What to Do When the Volcano Erupts

Handling and Preventing Tantrums in Older Children

Chapter 6: Fathers as Disciplinarians

Becoming a Dad: Bill’s Story

Eight Tips to Help Fathers Become Disciplinarians

Chapter 7: Self-esteem: The Foundation of Good Behaviour

Ten Ways to Help Children Build Self-Confidence

Chapter 8: Helping Your Child Express Feelings

Feelings: Expressing or Bottling Up?

How to Raise an Expressive Child

Chapter 9: Making Anger Work for You

Why Kids Get Angry

How Adult Anger Affects Parenting – And Discipline

Getting a Handle on Anger

Peace for Parents

Chapter 10: Feeding Good Behaviour

Foods That Bother Behaviour

Tracking Down Feel-Bad Foods

Chapter 11: Sleep Discipline

What Every Parent Should Know About Babies’ Nighttime Needs

Principles of Nighttime Discipline

Handling Common Nighttime Discipline Problems

II: Correcting Undesirable Behaviour

Chapter 12: Smacking – no? yes? Sometimes?

Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Child

How to Avoid Smacking

Chapter 13: Discipline by Shaping Behaviour: Alternatives to Smacking

Praise

Selective Ignoring

Time-out

Help Your Child Learn That Choices Have Consequences

Motivators

Reminders

The Art of Negotiating

Withdrawing Privileges

Chapter 14: Breaking Annoying Habits

Steps to Breaking Habits (including nail biting, grinding teeth, twitching, lip biting, head banging, nose picking, hair pulling, and throat noises)

Thumb-Sucking

Chapter 15: Disciplining Bothersome Behaviours

Biting, Hitting, Pushing, Kicking

Dressing Discipline

Supermarket Discipline

Teaching Toothbrushing

Facilitating a Facewash

Whining

Clearing Up Dirty Words

Soiling Pants

Name-calling

Grumbling

Answering Back

Exciting the Unmotivated Child

Chapter 16: Sibling Rivalry

Introducing a New Baby

Promoting Sibling Harmony

Discouraging Sibling Disharmony

III: discipline for life

Chapter 17: Morals and Manners

Raising a Moral Child

Why Kids Lie – What to Do

Raising a Truthful Child

Encouraging Honesty

Stealing

Cheating

Teaching Your Child to Apologize

When Your Child Interrupts

Teaching Manners

Sharing

Chapter 18: Building Healthy Sexuality

Fostering Healthy Gender Identity

Modelling Healthy Gender Roles

Curious Little Bodies

Masturbation

Chapter 19: Discipline for Special Times and Special Children

Disciplining the Hyperactive Child

Disciplining the Temperamentally Difficult Child (aka the High-Need Child)

Disciplining the Special Needs Child

Parenting the Shy Child

Disciplining the Fearful Child

Discipline Following Divorce

Caregivers as Disciplinarians

Closing comments: Putting It All Together – A Sample Discipline Plan

Index

Keep Reading

Also by the Same Authors

About the Publisher

a word about discipline from dr bill and martha

Parents struggle with what discipline is and how to approach it. We all want our children to behave well, but the word “discipline” has connotations of corporal punishment and Victorian family values. In fact, discipline is a positive and integral part of your whole relationship with your child. It can’t be pulled out and isolated from the rest of your family’s life and does not need to be punitive – in fact, we would argue that it should never involve physical punishment. At one point we intended the title of this book to be Discipline for Life, because our purpose is to equip children with the tools they will need to succeed in life.

This book was written on the job. Many of the stories throughout this book are from our own family, and as you will see, discipline has not always been easy for us nor have we always done it right. We could never have written this book without the many years of parenting we have under our belt. It wasn’t until our kids started having kids that we fully realized the value of what we had done – and hadn’t done – as disciplinarians. Besides our own experience, much of the advice in this book comes from the real experts: veteran parents of disciplined children who over the years have shared their wisdom with us.

You may feel that some advice in this book is too lenient, or that other advice is too harsh. You may feel, “I can’t do that with my child.” If it doesn’t feel right to you, you shouldn’t do it. Discipline is not a list of techniques to be plucked from a book, tried insensitively on your child, and followed rigidly. Instead, use the tools in this book to develop a philosophy of discipline, and use whatever tools fit your child and your family situation to create your own style of discipline.

How to read this book depends upon your needs. If you are first-time parents with a new baby, this book is a recipe for discipline, a philosophy of child rearing, and for some even a guide for living. If you are already experiencing discipline problems, this is also a repair manual, a fix-it-yourself book. Parents, we want you to realize the rewards of investing in your child’s behaviour. While parents should take neither all the credit nor all the blame for the person their child becomes, we believe that many of the problems society now faces – crime, violence, sexual irresponsibilities, and social insensitivities – stem from poor discipline in the child and in the adult that child becomes.

A mother in my surgery, desperate for direction on how she could influence society, said: “The streets are full of crime, the homes are full of violence, and schools spend more time keeping law and order than teaching. I feel powerless to make a difference, and I don’t believe government knows how to change this course of events.” I told this mum: “You can change the world, one child at a time. Do what you and no one but you can do – discipline your child.”

William and Martha Sears

San Clemente, California

March 1995

I promoting desirable behaviour

How parents and child get started with each other influences the discipline relationship. Some parents will naturally ease into discipline, and some children are easier to discipline. Other parents, partly because of how they were disciplined as children, lack confidence in guiding and correcting their child. For these parents, the early chapters of this book will help you to become confident parents while giving your child the start you never got. We begin by discussing the attachment style of parenting, a way of getting connected to your child. Our journey into discipline starts by giving you the tools to get connected to your child in the early years, when the little person is under construction. We help you to build your sensitivity to your child, and your child’s toward you; to know what is age-appropriate behaviour; to help your child to become comfortably expressive, to handle anger, and to develop self-confidence. And from that basic relationship, loving guidance flows naturally. Attachment parenting brings rewards for parents as well as children. Putting in some extra effort at the beginning will save time and energy later on. You won’t have to do as much of the repair work we discuss in Part II.

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