The Rules 2

MORE RULES TO LIVE AND LOVE BY

Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Foreword: The Rules Phenomenon

Chapter 1: Why The Rules Work

Chapter 2: Rules for Turning a Friend Into a Boyfriend

Chapter 3: Second Chances—Rules for Getting Back an Ex

Chapter 4: Don’t Waste Time on Fantasy Relationships

Chapter 5: Don’t Stand by His Desk and Other Rules for the Office Romance

Chapter 6: Long-Distance Relationships. Part I: How They Should Start

Chapter 7: Long-Distance Relationships. Part II: Making It Work

Chapter 8: You Can Ask Your Therapist to Help You Do The Rules

Chapter 9: If He Doesn’t Call, He’s Not That Interested. Period!

Chapter 10: 25 Reasons Why Women Want to Call Men But Shouldn’t!

Chapter 11: Show Up Even If You Don’t Feel Like It

Chapter 12: Keep Doing The Rules Even When Things Are Slow

Chapter 13: Don’t Tell the Media About Your Love Life and Other Rules for Celebrities

Chapter 14: Don’t Be a Groupie and Other Rules for Dating Celebrities or High-Profile Men

Chapter 15: Observe His Behavior on the Holidays

Chapter 16: Don’t Go Overboard and Other Rules for Giving to Men

Chapter 17: Buyer Beware (Weeding out Mr. Wrong)!

Chapter 18: Closing the Deal (Getting Him to the Altar)

Chapter 19: Don’t Be the Rebound Girl and Other Rules for Dating a Man Who Is Separated

Chapter 20: A Rules Refresher for Married Women

Chapter 21: Rules for the Bedroom (When You’re Married)

Chapter 22: Starting Over—Rules for the Mature Woman

Chapter 23: Rules for Same-Sex Relationships

Chapter 24: Rules for Personal Ads and Dating Services

Chapter 25: Rules for On-line Dating

Chapter 26: Use a Rules Support Group

Chapter 27: Rules for Girlfriends, Bosses/Coworkers, and Children

Chapter 28: Don’t Worry, Even Men Like The Rules

Chapter 29: Rules Tips for Men

Chapter 30: The Rules Are a Healthy Way of Life

Chapter 31: Success Stories: Women Who Followed The Rules and Changed Their Lives!

Chapter 32: Last But Not Least—20 Extra Hints

Chapter 33: Answers to Frequently Asked Questions About The Rules

Acknowledgements

Keep Reading

Also by the Authors

Copyright

About the Publisher

Foreword: The Rules Phenomenon

Four years ago, when we set out to write The Rules, we knew that we had an important message to share. We believed in The Rules. We had seen them work time and time again in our own lives, in our close circle of girlfriends and an ever-widening circle of friends and acquaintances, as well as coworkers and relatives.

When our phones began ringing off the hook with dating questions and (eventually) success stories, we knew we had to write The Rules in book form to make it available to all women.

Lo and behold, The Rules became not just a best-selling book, but a phenomenon, revolutionizing dating practices both here in America and abroad.

In fact, The Rules became so popular that it achieved a kind of pop culture status. It was spoofed on Saturday Night Live (“Get the ring!”), used as the plot for several TV sitcoms, and also inspired a number of parody books including Breaking the Rules (“Stare straight at men and talk incessantly”) and Rules for Cats (“Don’t accept a trip to the vet after Wednesday”).

Suddenly, The Rules was everywhere! A financial publication ran an article on the rules for investing (“Don’t buy on Friday if your broker calls after Wednesday”) and a political columnist wrote that one presidential candidate might have won the election if he had just tried to be a “creature unlike any other.”

Why all the fuss? Why all the interest in The Rules when there are dozens of other dating books on the market? Why has The Rules become such a phenomenon?

The answer is simple: The Rules work! Unlike other dating books that are therapeutic and theoretical—that sound good, that give warm ’n fuzzy, meaningless, and misleading advice such as be yourself, don’t play games, tell a man how you feel, but don’t work in real life—The Rules tell the truth about dating and help you get Mr. Right!

The Rules take the analysis and angst out of dating. It’s simple. If he calls you, he likes you. If he doesn’t, Next! What does be yourself mean if that’s calling a man three times a day or staying on the phone for three hours? Why would anyone want to read a dating book that didn’t help you get the man you want to marry you?

Many people ask how we wrote a best-seller. To be honest, we were not trying to. We wrote The Rules to help women date with self-esteem and get married. Period.

While we are naturally thrilled by the success of the book, what’s been even more rewarding is seeing how women of all ages and all walks of life use The Rules to love themselves and marry Mr. Right. After three decades of haphazard dating—dutch treat, sex on the first date, and living together—these women are delighted that such a dating book exists.

“I wish I had known about The Rules ten years ago,” is the most frequent comment we hear.

“The Rules should be given out to all women at birth,” wrote another Rules fan.

The book hit a chord not only with single women in their twenties, thirties, and forties, but with mothers and grandmothers. “She won’t listen to me, maybe she’ll listen to you,” wrote one mom. Another mom told us she gave the book to her daughter and her daughter’s friends.

While many readers thanked us for the general guidelines provided in The Rules, just as many wrote and called asking for more specific answers to dating situations and problems—for example, rules for long-distance relationships, rules for getting back an ex-boyfriend, rules for dating a celebrity, rules for dating a coworker, rules for turning a male friend into a boyfriend, rules for dating services and on-line dating, and for advice on how to start a Rules support group, among many other topics.

We wrote The Rules II to answer all these questions—and to clarify any confusion you might have about rules in the first book, such as, “How will he know the real me if I do The Rules?” and “Can I ever call a man?”

We have included some success stories in The Rules II that we hope will inspire you to do The Rules. We hope to publish many more—perhaps yours!—in the future.

We look forward to your comments, questions, success stories, and wedding invitations!

Ellen and Sherrie

Chapter 1
Why The Rules Work

Why do The Rules work?

Because The Rules are based upon the basic truths of human nature! Everyone wishes we could be more open and honest with men in the early stages of dating or ask men out, but these wishes are pure fantasy. To think men and women should treat each other exactly alike, as platonic friends do—dutch treat, even steven, tit for tat—is unrealistic. In the romantic world, there’s only one way that truly works. The man must be attracted to and then pursue the woman. It simply doesn’t work any other way.

That doesn’t mean we have to like it. Even we didn’t want The Rules to be true. Who wants it to be true that a man’s attraction to us doesn’t grow? Who wants it to be true that a man might lose interest if we’re too aggressive, too needy, or too predictable?

Everyone wishes certain things were different from what they are. Who wants war, crime, or bitter cold weather? Who wants to diet and exercise? Wouldn’t it be great if we could eat whatever we wanted, whenever we felt like it and still be slim, fit, and have perfect thighs?

Rules girls are realists. They accept that men and women are different and act accordingly. They don’t always like to do The Rules, but they do them anyway because they love the results.

Of course, as popular as The Rules has become, it has also been the subject of controversy—mostly by the media and the authors of other dating books, not by women who simply want advice about men. They just want to get married!

The Rules have been criticized for being old-fashioned and antifeminist, and for encouraging women to play games and get married at any cost (“get the ring”). We would like to examine these criticisms one by one and explain why they are unfounded.

Old-fashioned? Not really. While The Rules may sound like something your mother may have told you about, times and circumstances have completely changed. Women in the ’90s need The Rules—not because pursuing men is morally wrong or scandalous, or any of the reasons your mother may have told you. No, The Rules tell us not to pursue men for one simple reason. It doesn’t work!

Fifty years ago, women didn’t call men or live with men before marriage because it was considered socially unacceptable. Fifty years ago, they didn’t even need to think about “ending the date first.” Their fathers ended it for them by requiring them to be home at a certain time, much like their great-grandfathers put an end to dates by holding up a shotgun on the front porch!

In addition, back then, women often had to get married in order to move out of their parents’ house. Women were financially dependent on men, and once married they became full-time wives and mothers who, for the most part, did not pursue careers.

Compare that to ’90s women. Many are financially self-sufficient. They can afford their own apartments, cars, vacations, wardrobes, and creature comforts. They can even have or adopt and support a child on their own. They no longer need men to get away from their parents or to have good or interesting lives. But the truth is they want men in their lives—as partners/friends, lovers, husbands/fathers. They can function without men, but they yearn for marriage and children and/or fulfilling relationships.

Their problem is how to get married or be in fulfilling relationships. The sexual revolution of the ’60s proved to be filled with empty promises—sex and living together did not add up to commitment.

Who or what can women turn to for dating advice? They may or may not be able to relate to their mothers. Besides, some mothers, trying to be hip and modern or desperate for their daughters to get married and produce a grandchild, will give them bad advice and tell them to call men and pay their own way. (“Don’t be so picky,” they tell them.)

Their female friends, conditioned by the social mores of today and with well-meaning intentions, may say “Oh, call him if you like him! What have you got to lose?” If he turns them down, “So, what?” they say.

Well, we say:

(1) Maybe if you don’t call him, he’ll build up a real desire and call you!

(2) A man who is receptive to your advances (without making any of his own) may date or even marry you at your suggestion, but down the road he’ll be bored and ambivalent toward you.

Women have turned to The Rules because it’s the only advice they can count on that works. They’re not retro, they’re fabulous!

Antifeminist? No, as far as we are concerned, there is no conflict between The Rules and feminism. Rules girls can be feminists. We are feminists. We believe in and are grateful for the advances women have made in the last century. How else could we have become authors and formed a company? All women have different definitions of feminism, but to us, it is about getting equal pay for equal work. It’s about women being authors, astronauts, doctors, lawyers, CEOs, or whatever they want to be—getting promoted, being treated the same and paid as much as men!

Feminism is also about women believing in their own importance. It is about being fulfilled by our jobs, our hobbies, our friendships. It is knowing that the women in our lives are as important as the men—and treating our friends with respect and consideration to prove it!

But with all due respect, feminism has not changed men or the nature of romantic relationships. Like it or not, men are emotionally and romantically different from women. Men are biologically the aggressor. They thrive on challenge—whether it’s the stock market, basketball, or football—while women crave security and bonding. This has been true since civilization began!

Men who respond to The Rules are not sick or stupid, but quite normal and healthy. Your average guy. What would be sick is if a man chased and chased a woman who clearly didn’t want him, who repeatedly said “no” when he asked her out as early as Monday for Saturday night. But that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about a woman who says “yes” to dates when asked a few days in advance and is nice to men on dates. She’s simply not too eager and doesn’t drop everything to see him at a moment’s notice. That way he respects her and wants to be with her and marry her.

Why men are naturally driven by challenge is not important. The point is to do what works to have a successful relationship, which is to let men do the pursuing … in other words, to follow The Rules.

After twenty to thirty years of do-what-you-feel and haphazard dating, most women we know are actually relieved to have rules and boundaries to live by. These women are happy that feminism has helped them get ahead in business and given them financial independence, but they agree that trying to be as aggressive in relationships with men as they are in their careers doesn’t work.

Are we telling women to play games? Some people like to focus on the most superficial aspects in The Rules—the ones most likely to promote controversy—but the book is really about self-esteem, about setting boundaries. Yes, in some ways, you’re playing a game. The game is called liking yourself! The game is not accepting just any treatment from a man. The game is being true to your heart. Everyone knows in their hearts that The Rules work, that this is the way it really is. But some people have to read the book a few times before they get the message that it’s not just about egg timers, lipstick, and not returning calls.

The Rules is not an etiquette book—it’s not about how to order wine on a date or which fork to use. While these niceties are important, they’re not what The Rules focus on. The Rules are about saving women—and men, for that matter—heartache. There are many disastrous relationships out there because women either initiated relationships with men or kept them going long after they should have been over. A failed relationship is depressing, confidence-shaking, and altogether unpleasant. By following The Rules, you avoid these disastrous results—and these painful emotions.

We had to write The Rules strictly, like a strict diet book, because we knew women would break them. You always sneak in your favorite high-fat meal or a piece of chocolate cake on Saturday night. With such strict rules, even if women broke the occasional rule, they could still reap the benefits of doing the rest.

Even therapists, whom we were sure would find the “be mysterious” part of The Rules objectionable, are actually recommending the book to their clients (see Chapter 8). They agree that the openness and honesty so necessary in therapy do not work in the initial stages of dating.

Are The Rules too marriage-minded? No, just realistic. Many women want to get married, and why not? It’s great to have a wonderful man to share your life with—end of story. We’re not telling women they’re nothing without a man. It’s just that many women feel that if they don’t marry a nice guy, they’re missing something. It’s a fact. This is how they really feel. It’s not a moral issue. Can they be happy without a husband? Sure. Can you be happy without taking vacations? Sure, but why would you want to?

We are not advocating marriage at any cost. On the contrary, in Chapter 17, “Buyer Beware,” we explain how to determine if he’s Mr. Right. This is a thinking woman’s guide to marriage. This is not about being a Stepford wife.

Indeed, The Rules represents a change in attitude about dating, a new spirituality that is sorely needed today. It’s going against nature when you chase a man, sleep with him too soon, or beg him to marry you. He may end up mistreating you, even if he marries you. He may never forgive you for trapping him and treat you badly.

Conversely, when you do The Rules on a man who initially showed interest, he gets to fall in love with you and value you. He does not take you for granted. Every phone call and date is precious. He never feels trapped or that you pressured him to marry you because he did the calling, the pursuing, the proposing.

Rules marriages are happy marriages. Rules husbands make wonderful partners for life. They are attentive and involved husbands and fathers. They change diapers, help the kids with their homework, and plan family vacations.

The Rules work. They really do. That’s why women who want to be happily married—or at the very least, in a loving relationship—are living by The Rules—and loving the results!

Chapter 2
Rules for Turning a Friend Into a Boyfriend

You’ve been friends for ages. Now, for whatever reason, you’ve decided he’s The One. Can you turn a friend into a boyfriend?

Only if he really always liked you, but you or circumstances prevented the friendship from developing further. For example, you never wanted anything more until recently, or you were both dating other people. Maybe you couldn’t imagine him as a boyfriend because of age differences (he’s much older or younger than you), personality differences (he’s artsy, you’re a business-type), or you come from different backgrounds.

How can you be sure he always liked you as more than a friend if you’ve just been friends?

There are certain things a friend does or says when he is drawn to you. For example:

He always just happens to be in your neighborhood or business area. He likes to watch Friends in your apartment. He likes your TV set better. If you are coworkers, he’s frequently drinking water from the fountain near your desk. If you’re in college, he’s always hanging out outside of your dorm room or is often at the dining hall when you’re there.

The bottom line: when a man is attracted to you, he finds ways—excuses—to be near you. We’re not exaggerating when we say, whoever’s near you likes you! You don’t have to look far or wide to find him. He’s always hanging around. You can’t get rid of him!

When a friend wants to date you, he doesn’t talk about other women, even if he’s dating someone else. He never seems to notice other women, even your very attractive friend. If, in fact, he is attracted to other women, he tells everyone but you. Around you, the words will just not come out, they stick in his throat.

While he’s private about his own love life, he wants to know about yours and asks a lot of questions. He wants to know the type of guy you like to date and what you like to do on Saturday night. He makes it sound as if he’s just curious, no big deal, of course, but he’s really figuring out how he’s going to use that information to make a move one day. He thinks anyone you’re dating is not good enough for you. He’ll even put them down (“His father got him the job.”).

When a male friend is really interested in you, he tries to be helpful. He offers to show you how to play tennis or how to work the computer. He might help you move your stuff from one apartment to another or listen to your work or roommate problems without expecting anything in return. In fact, he never expects you to help him with anything, unless it’s an excuse to stay connected to you.

If he likes you as more than a friend, he’ll tease you, flirt with you, and make you laugh. He thinks your short-comings are cute.

He means more than he says. He tries to be cool around you, but he’s really quite nervous.

When a male friend is not interested in you romantically, he behaves quite differently. He’s calm, rational, matter-of-fact. You can take everything he does and says at face value.

He asks you for advice about dating another woman because he really wants your advice! He’s simply interested in a woman’s perspective. He’s not secretly in love with you or bringing it up to get closer to you. He talks freely about liking other women. He might even say in front of you, “She’s really cute.” He doesn’t think he could be hurting your feelings because you’re his friend. You’re like his sister—there’s no sexual undercurrent.

When a male friend likes you as a friend, he’s not that interested in your love life. He’s satisfied with your friendship. If you’re not dating anyone, he might offer to fix you up with someone, but he doesn’t want to go out with you himself. He doesn’t want to start anything, he feels no spark.

If you’re having a problem with the guy you’re dating, he will try to help you “work it out,” as opposed to helping you get out of the relationship! He’s not angry if he sees you with other men because he’s not interested in you romantically. He wants to see you happy. If he’s a little jealous when you have a boyfriend, it’s in the same way a close girlfriend might be. Your relationship reminds him of what he doesn’t have and takes time away from your friendship with him. It’s a friendship loss, not a romantic loss. This, however, doesn’t mean he wants you. You’d know if he did—if you thought about it honestly or read this chapter.

When a male friend is just a friend, he helps you as much as you help him. He’ll show you how to read a financial statement, you’ll teach him how to cook. Everything’s dutch treat. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship.

A male friend might even be your best friend—someone who would be there in a pinch if you ever needed him. He would lend you money to pay your rent, visit you in the hospital if you had an accident, or come to the funeral if a family member died. But he doesn’t look down the street when you walk away, try to stare at you when you’re not looking, or secretly dream about having sex with you. And such feelings on a man’s part are essential in the beginning of a romantic relationship!

If he likes you only as a friend, there is nothing you can do about becoming his girlfriend. Don’t try to convince him by having a heart-to-heart talk about your feelings because it will probably put a strain on your friendship. He will feel awkward or sorry for you, but he still won’t feel a spark. He may try a “let’s sleep together” once or twice. But it won’t mean much to him and you, if not both of you, will come to regret it.

Worse yet, the two of you may decide to date or even get married at your initiation. But because he never felt a spark, your marriage will be more of a friendship and if you want more than that you will constantly be unhappy. You will be doubting your looks and your sexuality and complain, “He never notices me.” Your self-confidence really plummets when you sleep with or get involved with a man who only really wanted a friendship. It’s a bad road to travel. Don’t even try it.

Just do The Rules—not to get him to like you since you can’t—but for your self-esteem. Do The Rules so that your whole life isn’t about this unavailable friend. Don’t call him. When he calls, get off the phone in ten minutes. Don’t play therapist when he talks about his girlfriend problems. More important, try to meet other men. You’re better off forcing yourself to go to social events to meet your possible husband than forcing yourself on this friend.

But if you think he may be interested in you, you can casually mention that you’re having boyfriend problems, not seeing your boyfriend anymore or that you’re not dating anyone in particular. See how he reacts. If he’s interested, he’ll ask you out, and then start doing The Rules.

Don’t talk to him like a friend—like Elaine on Seinfeld—but be light, feminine, and mysterious. Don’t tell him all your problems. Don’t start pursuing him with calls, notes, and dinner invitations. Don’t think you can say or do anything you want—call him whenever you feel like it or suddenly try to increase the time you spend together—because you were platonic friends. Concentrate on making your relationship a Rules relationship. Keep in mind, the dynamics will be a little different now. For example, if he’s from out-of-town and used to crashing on your couch when he visits you, now you should be the first to say, “It’s been great, but I have a really big day tomorrow,” and end the evenings first.

Now that you want him, you may be tempted to go to the other extreme—call him all the time, talk about your change of heart, refer to him as your soul mate, talk about marriage or the future—and drive him away. Men don’t like to be overwhelmed, even by women they like.

Many women who wake up one day and decide that their male friend is their soul mate have been known to come on too strong and overwhelm their friend. Remember, part of the reason he liked you is that you didn’t really notice him, and never pursued him! You’ve been a challenge—not because you were trying to do The Rules—but because you were truly not interested. You were naturally indifferent.

Therefore, when you start to date, you must not let the fact that he always liked you stop you from doing certain rules. For example, don’t see him at the last minute or all the time. Don’t start knitting him sweaters or talk about marriage or moving in. Okay, you’ve decided he’s The One. But until he’s decided you’re The One and courts you and proposes, you have to do The Rules—or you might ruin a good thing!

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