Yury Gurkov
Note: To read before the wedding
5. It is hard to talk about it
What is interesting, – that one of the biggest difficulties in the topic of choosing a husband is not only the opportunity to talk about it in details or to understand what is important step by step. It is also extremely necessary to know things without which it is impossible to start moving even in your thoughts towards the wedding.
You will not be able to find such talks for a young lady for love or money, if for no other reason because she will not share her secrets. Some modest parent’s attempts to suggest "where you need to pay attention for" are always laughed out of court because of the child’s closeness and the challenges of her growing up. But in a little while this girl may herself become a mother. Some tips from the same inexperienced friends are more like the advice from one child to another – how not to share a candy.
It is difficult to talk about a comprehensive approach to choosing a husband, starting even with the fact that the ability to reflect and reason objectively is not developed in many of us, especially in young people. Both the lack of life experience and unwillingness to listen to the elders ties a hard knot in this task. Perhaps it was also the chosen by parent’s one-sided position on this issue when the teenager was still up to 16. And then there is the dominant concept of biochemistry in love. All these components not only do not make practical approach "how to choose a good husband" as clear as a bell. They no longer take into account all the concepts, often mixing them to complete confusion in the young head.
IT IS DIFFICULT TO TALK ABOUT A COMPREHENSIVE APPROACH TO CHOOSING A HUSBAND, STARTING EVEN WITH THE FACT THAT THE ABILITY TO REFLECT AND REASON OBJECTIVELY IS NOT DEVELOPED IN MANY OF US, ESPECIALLY IN YOUNG PEOPLE.
You cannot talk about this topic only once or twice – it will not work. I know this because I had a great experience with many people. It will not work for many reasons:
– the topic is very extensive, you need several approaches, you need time to contemplate;
– while communicating with each other, people often find it complicated to select the necessary and what is even more difficult – paramount factors for choosing a spouse.
Stereotypes can press. For example – how to choose a husband? Answer: «That should be a good guy. He should be handsome, love his wife to the moon and back and earn a lot of money. That is all!» As soon we will find out – it is not all and not all at all:
– everyone has formed views on it;
– not everyone is ready to reveal to other and speak frankly;
– the conversation often veer towards certain subject, clinging to one of the moments;
– when opinions clash, the conversation is often in an impasse;
– it is difficult to admit mistakes or gaps in this important issue;
– most part of people are closed to new in these issues, considering themselves completely right.
Tonight you are alone with the book. It is a chance to get a better handle on this issue. You can argue and disagree; it is only the opinion of the author. These questions are often very intimate, deeply internal. And yet, it is uncustomary to analyze this topic, and this can be seen in the examples below and in the examples of people living next to you.
Consistent consideration of many components of the choice of a life partner is collected through frank and blatant interviews of people of different ages living in different cities and countries. And each of them gives you the opportunity to see the mistakes of the characters. Also there are some answers to questions and you have the chance to draw a conclusion on your own. It is not hard to notice that until we do not go deeply into this topic, everything seems right, good, like it should be. Well, what is that got to do with you – who and how is choosing a husband or a wife? All people are independent, they will figure it out in their own. What is more, it seems not really correctly to stick one’s nose into this question.
You can not pry into and leave things as they are, but when you remember that the reason for most divorces is a woman up to 50 years who suddenly (after the marriage) found that she had married the wrong person, it is clear that "sticking a nose" is simply necessary. That she was not prepared for ‘life as a couple’ with her husband and she was incompatible with him – like other 47 % of couples which are incongruous. What is that compatibility? How could she be so superficial in cognition of her future husband? How could she marry him? Now highlight this point in bold and check your compatibility on fundamental issues for you before the wedding.
Next time you will pass by the registry office and see happy couples waiting for their turn to be married, you can boldly delete every second couple from the family relationships. Very soon the market of brides and grooms will have these broken hearts after the first incompatibility. And again with the same zealous zeal they will look for the soul mate. But now they will be already in the status of «experienced», "knowing life", and after the second divorce they will become «professionals», just not in the way is needed and so on.
Maybe all that is what you think and you do not talk to anyone. You can find some practical and judicious people with whom the communication will be easygoing in order to listen to other points of view, to listen to yourself from the side. After reading there is every likelihood that you will discover a lot of new things and change your mind. You will start a new movement – "Happiness to every home". Let’s start with your own.
6. All we need is love
Remember what feelings fill most of us when we start watching a beautiful romantic movie or a clip about a love story, when the mawkish sweetly frames replace each other… At first the main characters do not know each other and live their own lives, waiting and believing that they will meet a fabulous love. They make attempts to find it, get disappointed, do their daily chores, but we are already beginning to feel this clue, skillfully twisted by the author or the director. The clue that slowly begins to twist into bright, satin, fluttering in the wind tapes of beautiful relationships. It starts when the first sympathy and timid steps to meet each other halfway appear. When we watch the movie – we begin to empathize. Even the pulse of the majority can be pleasantly quickened, because all these scenes can resonate with our own experience. We wait for this love, these emotions, look for them and often meet only on the screens of cinemas or in the books. Why? This genre of books is very popular and popular for hundreds of years.
AND NOW PLEASE ASK YOURSELF: "HOW MANY HAPPY FAMILIES HAVE I EVER SEEN WHERE BOTH THE ROMANCE AND SENSUAL RELATIONSHIPS PERSIST FOR DECADES?" GUESS THE ANSWER IS – TOO LITTLE!
And now please ask yourself: "How many happy families have I ever seen where both the romance and sensual relationships persist for decades?" Guess the answer is – too little! So we read and we look in order to (at least) empathize and be happy for a while. Even the tears may well up when the final chords sound in these fictional stories always with gorgeous background or fabulous beauty of landscapes behind. Moreover, the music from these episodes is always strongly associated with them and we will always remember it. Songs and melodies remain in our memory because with the help of music our consciousness gives us these beautiful sketches that we saw on the screen. It is extremely pleasant for us – love, feelings and experiences, for which we are sometimes ready to go to the end of the world as the characters of the film. You can hear a very quiet "eh…" from rising from the seats people in the cinema. The pressing wave of the happy end of the love story engulfs the audience. In that sound «eh» hide pleasure, quiet joy, a bit of sadness and hope.
It would be easier to give you a good, real example from somebody’s life at the beginning of the book, and it could set the tone for the whole story. But no, I was not lucky, I lived a little more than 5 265 000 hours and have not yet had the opportunity to meet such an example. Maybe you have such?
Despite the age the overwhelming majority of us want something kin to it! We want to be happy as the heroes of the novel or even better – brighter, more fervently and we dream about the person to whom we can give ourselves and give him or her everything unreservedly. It is very important to stop here for a while and read the next paragraph more slowly.
Full-fledged happiness of two hearts is when both want to give themselves to another, to take care of the beloved with creative constancy, but not other combinations. For example, one gives himself to love, and he «tolerates» the other, or both, burned out after the bouquet period or the first years of marriage, live as with a relative and nothing more – there are no rushing embraces at a run, no surprises and romance, no flirting before the coming night and etc. Under the creative constancy is indicated the whole family life, in which at all stages – in 20 or when you are 45, or 59 – there is a place for care, affection and warm kind speech. Creativity – it is about variety of forms of caring for a spouse. It can be almost limitless if you really love. Furthermore, it is so good when there is permanence in different family traditions.
We all want to experience love every day of our lives, not envy the heroes of the films. Someone who has an unspent supply of tendance, who knows how to appreciate your actions and efforts in everyday life, in maintaining a comfortable family hearth should be next to you. And these relations must be built very thoroughly, taking into account the unmistakable choice. Now we will dive into the issues of choice from different sides to reveal something new to you, even if it seems strange or idealized at first glance.
7. The begging of the success – to learn how to analyze
Now let's tear love and happiness limb from limb. How can you manage to build your halcyon fate from the very beginning – from choosing the right candidate? Of course, this process has many other factors – after the choice, after the wedding, but we will talk about it later. As you will see, the choice of a husband or a wife is an insoluble rebus for the majority.
In no instance I do not deny that love should move the bride and groom to conclude a marriage alliance. In the book you will not find any information, any sentence or any word about it, it is made in the belief that it does not take a rocket scientist that love and attraction are on the surface.
It's just that love and appetence to each other – the way we used to understand it – are risk considerations, the reasons that separate people, if they are not thinking, contemplating or making any thought process – to think who is in front of you. Sometimes people do not think at all. We say only some beautiful words of love and longing in order to cover up our ignorance or unwillingness to analyze. So what should you pay attention to when choosing a groom, if love remains in default general and fundamental?
IT'S JUST THAT LOVE AND APPETENCE TO EACH OTHER – THE WAY WE USED TO UNDERSTAND IT – ARE RISK CONSIDERATIONS, THE REASONS THAT SEPARATE PEOPLE, IF THEY ARE NOT THINKING, CONTEMPLATING OR MAKING ANY THOUGHT PROCESS – TO THINK WHO IS IN FRONT OF YOU.
The trick is that if we do not know thoroughly our future spouse, husband or wife, love remains as if «naked», and it should be dressed not only in beautiful clothes from our romantic ideas. Love should be firstly dressed in practical clothes, which are not afraid of any quarrels that make us feel the cold inside of our hearts, or any conflicts of values, collisions of characters which make us nervous and heated, or any household fittings, or showers of tears, or reproaches or even insults.
Such «clothes» everyone should gather in his list of what he knew and definitely find a lot of new things. The attentive reader will find something new in the examples, images and his or her own reflections after each chapter.
Some comparisons and allegories will be our helpers in a long conversation. These comparisons often remain in our memory and help us to carry advice and recommendations through time. Let us turn to one of them, maybe a little strange one for girls – an example of successful fishing. We will not look at the fairytale about the goldfish, we will talk about real fishing.
In order to catch an ordinary fish the most common fisherman does not throw a fishing rod from the beach of the lake, saying that it is convenient for him or there is a sandy entrance. He makes a strategic plan. At first by studying and asking seasoned fishermen when it is better to go for the morning bite, when to the evening dawn. And dozens of specialized «secrets»: what wind will be better for the bite, million little things in gear and the peculiar features of each fish. One of them sharply and thoughtlessly falls to the hook with killer, the other on the contrary can try for hours and eat everything without getting caught. Without the ability to analyze the situation, the fisherman would have nothing to do – he simply will not catch the desired fish.
Reviewing the analogy with our topic, the desired husband can not be caught, if you also do not know the important and necessary moments: "a strategic plan, when and where to go to find a husband, which wind from the interlacing of personality traits will be favorable and which hurricane will be more feeble for the family life and of course a million little things that can be a stumbling block in the future." And to catch your own best husband, you will have to turn on the switch actuator of analytical analysis in your head and do not turn it off preferably until great age.
Couple dozen examples are waiting for you ahead. They will show you that the absence of such an assessment of a husband or a wife has led to varying degrees of consequences, which are difficult to call the little nothings of life. It is rather a disaster, disappointment, bitter crust from the sweet expectation of splendid and delicious daily communication with your loved one.
When we visit doctors, we heed a piece of their advice and recommendations on how to preserve health. Their words are very important for us, we follow them as if they are primary rules. We stop eating fat or reduce alcohol, do not overstrain the heart or vice versa – start to run, swim.
The wrong choice of the husband – it is also a disease, but not the disease of the body, but rather the «soul». It is painful to see how young and enamoured people get married very hasty or being frivolous acquainted with each other. Their future is too predictable – divorce, shock, anger towards the opposite sex and other «symptoms». Please promise yourself to hunt down a question how should be analyzed, considered and weighed long and happy family relationships before the wedding bouquet.
8. Prettiness makes no pottage
So, how does it all start? You know, it starts very simply and in most cases it is the same scheme: "Look, he is so smart!" – we say to ourselves. Of course, appearance is our advertising packaging, on which we «bite» like a fish on tasty bait. This is what we "sell and buy". Many of us have married on «packing», not having looked under it, believing, that if packing is flamboyant, beautiful and appetizing, then the content would be necessarily good.
And it was only you so lucky to meet this guy, to notice, that he is not such as all. Only he stirs yours heart of over meetings and after them. And then, after families break up, a lot of people, growing up, say the same phrase: "Now I would never marry him." Because I thought I knew him, but I married a "packing." This comparison will help you to double-check if you really know the person with whom you are going to live your life, to bear and raise children, wait for grandchildren. Is he really that one who he says is? What is there – under the "packing"?
BEAUTY INTOXICATES AND STUPEFIES THE MIND. WHILE TALKING CLOSER (INSTEAD OF A KIND, OPEN, CARING PERSON) YOU CAN OFTEN SEE A SPOILED, CAPRICIOUS, SELFISH NATURE. LIVE WITH SUCH A PERSON IN THE MARRIAGE IS CLOSER TO PUNISHMENT THAN TO PLEASURE.
A beautiful face attracts and tempts the imagination, we couldn't help but feel the joy of a lovely and regular features. Behind the beautiful face we expect to see a beautiful person in everything: a girl wants to see her Prince, a guy – his Princess. A girl will involuntarily trust more a guy with a beautiful face and she will probably easily forgive weaknesses. It would only be necessary to look once again at the bright face of the beloved Prince. So do guys, who are dreaming of the most beautiful girls. They are ready to ignore a lot of things, to lavish her with hyper-court and sometimes hyper-gifts in order to have this beauty next to him. Beauty intoxicates and stupefies the mind. While talking closer (instead of a kind, open, caring person) you can often see a spoiled, capricious, selfish nature. Live with such a person in the marriage is closer to punishment than to pleasure. You should know about this mistake. You should learn how to correct it from a young age, no later than in elementary school, so that the child learns to appreciate not only the external beauty, but more the inner world, so that appearance does not give rise to «discounts» in the evaluation of a person.
"Prettiness makes no pottage" – is a grotesque, in which we can find a great sense, – the appearance is not the most important thing and is anything but not the key point in family relations. It can be noted that people with ordinary, not the most attractive appearance and figure are much more likely to be ‘real’ people with manifestations of sensitivity, mutual respect, patience, care and tenderness. Give your network a second glance and you will find such people. Compare them with those who are considered as bright, extremely attractive, with delicate figure. And soon you will notice that communication with them is much better and comfortable. Even the classical values are sometimes higher in those who are on the «second» plan. These kinds of features are needed for a wonderful relationship of spouses.
That is why young girls still ask questions: "Why such a handsome man goes with a stout girl without hair and makeup?" Or vice versa, the gorgeous blonde with a huge smile on her face accompanies a man whose wealth is visible in all his gestures including a half-meter waist. Excluding the most obvious – an interest in money which has now become a "trump card", such a relationship can be the answer to the question: "With whom is it better? With a handsome man or with an ordinary guy?".
Does prettiness make a pottage? No. Get stuck only on the beautiful and slender? Not either. While you are thinking about the answers on these rhetorical questions, you can also remember another adage – "slow and steady wins the race".
9. Do not embellish
There is one long – standing and extremely popular mistake of young girls when they are in a hurry to get married – to finish drawing the image of their beloved in their heads. This happens at an early stage of dating, when the girl pays attention to the guy, and he managed, in return, to make a first impression. The girl so much likes his appearance! And the ‘helpful’ amorousness appears out of nowhere and gives the girl the brush and the easel. And here we can see an amazing transformation from the most ordinary guy to a real Prince. The best Prince in the world, by the way.
One of the young women said that she had never been officially married. Having given birth to a daughter in the same state (not married), she continued to look for a husband. And then one day on a walk she met a young father with a child and, as it turned out, he was raising a child without wife. He was good-looking, and his body was close to perfect, because he was a bodybuilder. It is obvious that our heroine could not help but paid attention to him. But she was too ‘hungry’ for the husband and in just six weeks of dating she managed to fall head over heels in love with him. In Russia we sometimes say "fall in love without memory" which means – be hopelessly in love. "He told good things about marriage and family" – was all she remembered about his positive characteristics. She could not remember anything else! Then she drew up in her head how good he was in everything and what a wonderful husband he would be for her and a father to their children. Now, after she has learned how to reason and evaluate her own actions a little, she said: "I think that it was very stupid." I fell in love so much that then I experienced a long depression. I considered what had happened as a collapse. When the guy found out that she was older than him, he abruptly lost interest and "ran away". Such mistakes are made by a lot of people, complementing the image of a guy with desirable qualities, which sometimes are not even close to the reality. This embellishing in pink glasses is forced by many desires – to be in love, to be loved, to get married or just have your own man.
These situations are everywhere and they are very frequent, especially with young people. Of course it is natural not only for youth. Some ladies and gentlemen who are already older than 18 years can also try to complete the picture of their crushes. Such people can join a group of ‘artists’. Why are they ‘artists’? First of all, because, knowing almost nothing about a person, having no time to understand or having no experience due to age or mental state, such great ‘artists’ embellish the image of a loved one. They finish the ‘picture’ of their beloved ones in their own heads automatically. And it happens sometimes after 2–3 bouquets of flowers or one good evening together or hanging around a month or two or after chatting in WhatsApp. They redraw in their dreams a picture of a real person to the perfect one or to the one that is very good from all sides and in all spheres.
KNOWING ALMOST NOTHING ABOUT A PERSON, HAVING NO TIME TO UNDERSTAND OR HAVING NO EXPERIENCE DUE TO AGE OR MENTAL STATE, SUCH GREAT ‘ARTISTS’ EMBELLISH THE IMAGE OF A LOVED ONE.
And now, he is kind, beautiful, caring, calm and generous, the best groom ever! If you have a smile on your face now, then there is no point in continuing to tell that this is not so easy and that all girls like to embellish.
Those people who with patience, intelligence and effort create an ideal man for themselves bit by bit in their minds can be called such ‘artists’. They met a real person with his or her own pros and cons, he or she might be ‘a loser’ or even mentally and spiritually disassembled. But these ‘artists’ draw all the missing features. Those people are ‘artists’ who help him or her to be happy, successful in marriage and career, revealing his talents. Who tell them “you are my help – mate in everyday life”, “You are so helpful in raising children”, so that this (embellished in the head) person feels like he or she is the head of the family, even if this is not quite true.
There is no serious reason to make such an exhaustive and beautiful «portrait» of a guy for a short period of time. Especially if you know that he gave his hand a couple of times when you were going down the stairs or present you your favorite perfume or a box of sweets/ chocolates or even worse – writes that he misses you and thinks about you constantly.
Naturally, each guy will have his own advantages. The main mistake is that people always cling to what they see. Lovers stop «seeing» and looking for flaws, but they must get acquainted with them, and in perfect way – before the wedding.
Please, be honest with yourself and stop finishing the image of your beloved one. And please stop suffering even knowing nothing in fact about your “hero” and ‘best man’ from all sides. And if you have a relationship in full swing or it has just begun – there is time and a lot of obligatory steps that will be described in this book. Let the brushes and bright colors lie down for a while, it is time to make detailed sketches of all the «cracks» and bends of your date but now only in pencil.