Коллектив авторов
Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes
– You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.[30]
The guy at the door says,
– A Doberman Pinscher?
He says,
– Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.
The guy at the door says,
– OK, come on in.
The guy with the Chihuahua puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says,
– Sorry, no pets allowed.
The guy with the Chihuahua says,
– You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.
The guy at the door says,
– A Chihuahua?
The guy with the Chihuahua says,
– You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!
* * *
A blushing young man is choosing an engagement ring. He decides on one and says to the jeweller,
– I want to engrave inside this ring «From George to Dora[31]».
The jeweller said,
– If you take my advice, sir, you will just have «From George».
* * *
A man was filling an application for a job at a local employment agency. When he came to the question,
«How long married?» he hesitated, and then put down,[32] «24 hours a day.»
* * *
Tom wished his wife were more attractive, but she wasn’t. To tell the truth, he was no oil-painting,[33] either. After the ceremony, Tom asked the minister how much the cost was.
«Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife,» replied the minister.
Tom looked at his wife, and handed the minister £50. The minister looked at Tom’s wife and gave him £42 change.
* * *
A man went to the Police Station.[34] He wanted to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before.
«You’ll get your chance in court,» said the sergeant.
«No, no, no!» said the man. «I want to know how he got into the house and did not wake my wife!»
* * *
Tom won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together and asked them:
– Who will have the present? Who is the most obedient? Who never talks back[35] to mother? Who does everything she says?
Five small voices answered in unison:
– Okay, dad, you get the toy.
* * *
A woman entered a fruit store and said to the clerk, «I want to purchase some fruit for my sick husband.
«We have some very nice sweet cherries on sale for a pound a box,» said the clerk.
She looked them over[36] and decided to take a box. Then she added, «Are they sprayed with poison?»
The clerk replied,
«No, ma’am.[37] You can purchase that at the drug-store.»
* * *
– George, darling, what is it about me[38] you find so attractive? Is it my personality?
– No.
– Is it my figure?
– No.
– Is it my charisma?
– No.
– I give in.[39]
– That’s it![40]
* * *
– Doctor, doctor! I have a terrible stomach-ache. I ate three crabs last week.
– Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?
– What do you mean by «took them out of their shells»?
* * *
In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are having a conversation.
One says to the other, «Why are you here?»
The second answers, «I’m Napoleon,[41] so the doctor told me to come here.»
The first is curious and asks, «How do you know that you’re Napoleon?»
The second responds, «God told me I was.»
At this point,[42] a patient on the other side of the room shouts, «No, I didn’t!»
* * *
The manager of a large company noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
«What is your name?» was the first thing the manager asked him.
«John,» the new guy replied.
The manager scowled,
«Look, I don’t know what kind of a place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. My name is Mr. Robertson. Now what is your last name?»
The new guy sighed and said, «Darling. My name is John Darling.»
«Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…»
* * *
A woman called and asked,
– Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to whom?
– No, why do you ask?
She replied,
– Well, when I checked in[43] with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?
– You know, the city code for Fresno is FAT, and the airline was just putting a destination tag on your luggage!
* * *
The doctor said that a champion had a temperature.
«How high is it, Doctor?» he wanted to know.
«Thirty and nine,» said the Doctor.
«And what’s the world record?» asked the champion.
* * *
«Is that Nora?» asked Willy.
«Yes, Nora is speaking,» answered the girl.
«Marry me, Nora, and marry quick.»
«Yes, I will,» was the reply, «but who is speaking?»
* * *
– If your brother has five apples and you take two from him, what will be the result?
– He will beat me.
* * *
«What’s the matter with you, darling?» Lily asked her husband. «Monday you liked beans, Tuesday you liked beans, Wednesday you liked beans, Thursday all of a sudden[44] you don’t like beans.»
* * *
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink.[45] He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.[46] While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
«Wait, wait,» the fellow said to the men. «Can you tell me what’s going on here?»
«Well, we work for the county government,» one of the men said.
«But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?»
«You don’t understand, mister,» one of the men said, while he was leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. «Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.»
«Yes,» added Mike. «Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?»
* * *
– I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I? – A liar!
* * *
– Lord, I have a problem! – What’s the problem, Eve? – Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy. – Why is that, Eve? – Lord, I am lonely. – Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. – What’s a ‘man,’ Lord? – This man will be a flawed creature,[47] with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly, he’ll basically give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster, and stronger than you.
– I can put up with that,[48] – says Eve. – Well, but there is one condition. – What’s that, Lord? – You’ll have to let him believe[49] that I made him first.
* * *
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord – nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells, «Oh! So you want to race,[50] right?»
* * *
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race[51] on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, «All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. If you do that, everything will be fine.» The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on[52] and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, embarrassed, whispers ‘Ale ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, «It’s no good, I must do it,» and yells, «ALLLEEE OOOP!» really loudly. Sure enough, the horse jumps over the hurdle with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, «Nothing is wrong with me, it’s this bloody horse. What is he deaf or something?»