Николай Гоголь
The Inspector-General
KHLESTAKOV. Is it possible? My, what a swindler!
MERCHANTS. So help us God! No one remembers a governor like him. When you see him coming you hide everything in the shop. It isn't only that he wants a few delicacies and fineries. He takes every bit of trash, too—prunes that have been in the barrel seven years and that even the boy in my shop would not eat, and he grabs a fist full. His name day is St. Anthony's, and you'd think there's nothing else left in the world to bring him and that he doesn't want any more. But no, you must give him more. He says St. Onufry's is also his name day. What's to be done? You have to take things to him on St. Onufry's day, too.
KHLESTAKOV. Why, he's a plain robber.
MERCHANTS. Yes, indeed! And try to contradict him, and he'll fill your house with a whole regiment of soldiers. And if you say anything, he orders the doors closed. "I won't inflict corporal punishment on you," he says, "or put you in the rack. That's forbidden by law," he says. "But I'll make you swallow salt herring, my good man."
KHLESTAKOV. What a swindler! For such things a man can be sent to Siberia.
MERCHANTS. It doesn't matter where you are pleased to send him. Only the farthest away from here the better. Father, don't scorn to accept our bread and salt. We pay our respects to you with sugar and a basket of wine.
KHLESTAKOV. No, no. Don't think of it. I don't take bribes. Oh, if, for example, you would offer me a loan of three hundred rubles, that's quite different. I am willing to take a loan.
MERCHANTS. If you please, father. [They take out money.] But what is three hundred? Better take five hundred. Only help us.
KHLESTAKOV. Very well. About a loan I won't say a word. I'll take it.
MERCHANTS [proffering him the money on a silver tray]. Do please take the tray, too.
KHLESTAKOV. Very well. I can take the tray, too.
MERCHANTS [bowing]. Then take the sugar at the same time.
KHLESTAKOV. Oh, no. I take no bribes.
OSIP. Why don't you take the sugar, your Highness? Take it. Everything will come in handy on the road. Give here the sugar and that case. Give them here. It'll all be of use. What have you got there—a string? Give it here. A string will be handy on the road, too, if the coach or something else should break—for tying it up.
MERCHANTS. Do us this great favor, your illustrious Highness. Why, if you don't help us in our appeal to you, then we simply don't know how we are to exist. We might as well put our necks in a noose.
KHLESTAKOV. Positively, positively. I shall exert my efforts in your behalf.
[The Merchants leave. A woman's voice is heard saying:]
"Don't you dare not to let me in. I'll make a complaint against you to him himself. Don't push me that way. It hurts."
KHLESTAKOV. Who is there? [Goes to the window.] What is it, mother?
[Two women's voices are heard:] "We beseech your grace, father. Give orders, your Lordship, for us to be heard."
KHLESTAKOV. Let her in.
SCENE XI
Khlestakov, the Locksmith's Wife, and the non-commissioned Officer's Widow.
LOCK.'S WIFE [kneeling]. I beseech your grace.
WIDOW. I beseech your grace.
KHLESTAKOV. Who are you?
WIDOW. Ivanova, widow of a non-commissioned officer.
LOCK.'S WIFE. Fevronya Petrova Poshliopkina, the wife of a locksmith, a burgess of this town. My father—
KHLESTAKOV. Stop! One at a time. What do you want?
LOCK.'S WIFE. I beg for your grace. I beseech your aid against the governor. May God send all evil upon him. May neither he nor his children nor his uncles nor his aunts ever prosper in any of their undertakings.
KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter?
LOCK.'S WIFE. He ordered my husband to shave his forehead as a soldier, and our turn hadn't come, and it is against the law, my husband being a married man.
KHLESTAKOV. How could he do it, then?
LOCK.'S WIFE. He did it, he did it, the blackguard! May God smite him both in this world and the next. If he has an aunt, may all harm descend upon her. And if his father is living, may the rascal perish, may he choke to death. Such a cheat! The son of the tailor should have been levied. And he is a drunkard, too. But his parents gave the governor a rich present, so he fastened on the son of the tradeswoman, Panteleyeva. And Panteleyeva also sent his wife three pieces of linen. So then he comes to me. "What do you want your husband for?" he says. "He isn't any good to you any more." It's for me to know whether he is any good or not. That's my business. The old cheat! "He's a thief," he says. "Although he hasn't stolen anything, that doesn't matter. He is going to steal. And he'll be recruited next year anyway." How can I do without a husband? I am not a strong woman. The skunk! May none of his kith and kin ever see the light of God. And if he has a mother-in-law, may she, too,—
KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. Well, and you?
[Addressing the Widow and leading the Locksmith's Wife to the door.]
LOCK.'S WIFE [leaving]. Don't forget, father. Be kind and gracious to me.
WIDOW. I have come to complain against the Governor, father.
KHLESTAKOV. What is it? What for? Be brief.
WIDOW. He flogged me, father.
KHLESTAKOV. How so?
WIDOW. By mistake, my father. Our women got into a squabble in the market, and when the police came, it was all over, and they took me and reported me—I couldn't sit down for two days.
KHLESTAKOV. But what's to be done now?
WIDOW. There's nothing to be done, of course. But if you please, order him to pay a fine for the mistake. I can't undo my luck. But the money would be very useful to me now.
KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. Go now, go. I'll see to it. [Hands with petitions are thrust through the window.] Who else is out there? [Goes to the window.] No, no. I don't want to, I don't want to. [Leaves the window.] I'm sick of it, the devil take it! Don't let them in, Osip.
OSIP [calling through the window]. Go away, go away! He has no time. Come tomorrow.
The door opens and a figure appears in a shag cloak, with unshaven beard, swollen lip, and a bandage over his cheek. Behind him appear a whole line of others.
OSIP. Go away, go away! What are you crowding in here for?
He puts his hands against the stomach of the first one, and goes out through the door, pushing him and banging the door behind.
SCENE XII
Khlestakov and Marya Antonovna.
MARYA. Oh!
KHLESTAKOV. What frightened you so, mademoiselle?
MARYA. I wasn't frightened.
KHLESTAKOV [showing off]. Please, miss. It's a great pleasure to me that you took me for a man who—May I venture to ask you where you were going?
MARYA. I really wasn't going anywhere.
KHLESTAKOV. But why weren't you going anywhere?
MARYA. I was wondering whether mamma was here.
KHLESTAKOV. No. I'd like to know why you weren't going anywhere.
MARYA. I should have been in your way. You were occupied with important matters.
KHLESTAKOV [showing off]. Your eyes are better than important matters. You cannot possibly disturb me. No, indeed, by no means. On the contrary, you afford me great pleasure.
MARYA. You speak like a man from the capital.
KHLESTAKOV. For such a beautiful lady as you. May I give myself the pleasure of offering you a chair? But no, you should have, not a chair, but a throne.
MARYA. I really don't know—I really must go [She sits down.]
KHLESTAKOV. What a beautiful scarf that is.
MARYA. You are making fun of me. You're only ridiculing the provincials.
KHLESTAKOV. Oh, mademoiselle, how I long to be your scarf, so that I might embrace your lily neck.
MARYA. I haven't the least idea what you are talking about—scarf!—Peculiar weather today, isn't it?
KHLESTAKOV. Your lips, mademoiselle, are better than any weather.
MARYA. You are just saying that—I should like to ask you—I'd rather you would write some verses in my album for a souvenir. You must know very many.
KHLESTAKOV. Anything you desire, mademoiselle. Ask! What verses will you have?
MARYA. Any at all. Pretty, new verses.
KHLESTAKOV. Oh, what are verses! I know a lot of them.
MARYA. Well, tell me. What verses will you write for me?
KHLESTAKOV. What's the use? I know them anyway.
MARYA. I love them so.
KHLESTAKOV. I have lots of them—of every sort. If you like, for example, I'll give you this: "Oh, thou, mortal man, who in thy anguish murmurest against God—" and others. I can't remember them now. Besides, it's all bosh. I'd rather offer you my love instead, which ever since your first glance—[Moves his chair nearer.]
MARYA. Love? I don't understand love. I never knew what love is. [Moves her chair away.]
KHLESTAKOV. Why do you move your chair away? It is better for us to sit near each other.
MARYA [moving away]. Why near? It's all the same if it's far away.
KHLESTAKOV [moving nearer]. Why far? It's all the same if it's near.
MARYA [moving away]. But what for?
KHLESTAKOV [moving nearer]. It only seems near to you. Imagine it's far. How happy I would be, mademoiselle, if I could clasp you in my embrace.
MARYA [looking through the window]. What is that? It looked as if something had flown by. Was it a magpie or some other bird?
KHLESTAKOV [kisses her shoulder and looks through the window]. It's a magpie.
MARYA [rises indignantly]. No, that's too much—Such rudeness, such impertinence.
KHLESTAKOV [holding her back]. Forgive me, mademoiselle. I did it only out of love—only out of love, nothing else.
MARYA. You take me for a silly provincial wench. [Struggles to go away.]
KHLESTAKOV [still holding her back]. It's out of love, really—out of love. It was just a little fun. Marya Antonovna, don't be angry. I'm ready to beg your forgiveness on my knees. [Falls on his knees.] Forgive me, do forgive me! You see, I am on my knees.
SCENE XIII
The same and Anna Andreyevna.
ANNA [seeing Khlestakov on his knees]. Oh, what a situation!
KHLESTAKOV [rising]. Oh, the devil!
ANNA [to Marya]. What does this mean? What does this behavior mean?
MARYA. I, mother—
ANNA. Go away from here. Do you hear? And don't you dare to show your face to me. [Marya goes out in tears.] Excuse me. I must say I'm greatly astonished.
KHLESTAKOV [aside]. She's very appetizing, too. She's not bad-looking, either. [Flings himself on his knees.] Madam, you see I am burning with love.
ANNA. What! You on your knees? Please get up, please get up. This floor isn't very clean.
KHLESTAKOV. No, I must be on my knees before you. I must. Pronounce the verdict. Is it life or death?
ANNA. But please—I don't quite understand the significance of your words. If I am not mistaken, you are making a proposal for my daughter.
KHLESTAKOV. No, I am in love with you. My life hangs by a thread. If you don't crown my steadfast love, then I am not fit to exist in this world. With a burning flame in my bosom, I pray for your hand.
ANNA. But please remember I am in a certain way—married.
KHLESTAKOV. That's nothing. Love knows no distinction. It was Karamzin who said: "The laws condemn." We will fly in the shadow of a brook. Your hand! I pray for your hand!
SCENE XIV
The same and Marya Antonovna.
MARYA [running in suddenly]. Mamma, papa says you should—[seeing Khlestakov on his knees, exclaims:] Oh, what a situation!
ANNA. Well, what do you want? Why did you come in here? What for? What sort of flightiness is this? Breaks in like a cat leaping out of smoke. Well, what have you found so wonderful? What's gotten into your head again? Really, she behaves like a child of three. She doesn't act a bit like a girl of eighteen, not a bit. I don't know when you'll get more sense into your head, when you'll behave like a decent, well-bred girl, when you'll know what good manners are and a proper demeanor.
MARYA [through her tears]. Mamma, I really didn't know—
ANNA. There's always a breeze blowing through your head. You act like Liapkin-Tiapkin's daughter. Why should you imitate them? You shouldn't imitate them. You have other examples to follow. You have your mother before you. She's the example to follow.
KHLESTAKOV [seizing Marya's hand]. Anna Andreyevna, don't oppose our happiness. Give your blessing to our constant love.
ANNA [in surprise]. So it's in her you are—
KHLESTAKOV. Decide—life or death?
ANNA. Well, there, you fool, you see? Our guest is pleased to go down on his knees for such trash as you. You, running in suddenly as if you were out of your mind. Really, it would be just what you deserve, if I refused. You are not worthy of such happiness.
MARYA. I won't do it again, mamma, really I won't.
SCENE XV
The same and the Governor in precipitate haste.
GOVERNOR. Your Excellency, don't ruin me, don't ruin me.
KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter?
GOVERNOR. The merchants have complained to your Excellency. I assure you on my honor that not one half of what they said is so. They themselves are cheats. They give short measure and short weight. The officer's widow lied to you when she said I flogged her. She lied, upon my word, she lied. She flogged herself.
KHLESTAKOV. The devil take the officer's widow. What do I care about the officer's widow.
GOVERNOR. Don't believe them, don't believe them. They are rank liars; a mere child wouldn't believe them. They are known all over town as liars. And as for cheating, I venture to inform you that there are no swindlers like them in the whole of creation.
ANNA. Do you know what honor Ivan Aleksandrovich is bestowing upon us? He is asking for our daughter's hand.
GOVERNOR. What are you talking about? Mother has lost her wits. Please do not be angry, your Excellency. She has a touch of insanity. Her mother was like that, too.
KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I am really asking for your daughter's hand. I am in love with her.
GOVERNOR. I cannot believe it, your Excellency.
ANNA. But when you are told!
KHLESTAKOV. I am not joking. I could go crazy, I am so in love.
GOVERNOR. I daren't believe it. I am unworthy of such an honor.
KHLESTAKOV. If you don't consent to give me your daughter Marya Antonovna's hand, then I am ready to do the devil knows what.
GOVERNOR. I cannot believe it. You deign to joke, your Excellency.
ANNA. My, what a blockhead! Really! When you are told over and over again!
GOVERNOR. I can't believe it.
KHLESTAKOV. Give her to me, give her to me! I am a desperate man and I may do anything. If I shoot myself, you will have a law-suit on your hands.
GOVERNOR. Oh, my God! I am not guilty either in thought or in action. Please do not be angry. Be pleased to act as your mercy wills. Really, my head is in such a state I don't know what is happening. I have turned into a worse fool than I've ever been in my life.
ANNA. Well, give your blessing.
Khlestakov goes up to Marya Antonovna.
GOVERNOR. May God bless you, but I am not guilty. [Khlestakov kisses Marya. The Governor looks at them.] What the devil! It's really so. [Rubs his eyes.] They are kissing. Oh, heavens! They are kissing. Actually to be our son-in-law! [Cries out, jumping with glee.] Ho, Anton! Ho, Anton! Ho, Governor! So that's the turn events have taken!
SCENE XVI
The same and Osip.
OSIP. The horses are ready.
KHLESTAKOV. Oh! All right. I'll come presently.
GOVERNOR. What's that? Are you leaving?
KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I'm going.
GOVERNOR. Then when—that is—I thought you were pleased to hint at a wedding.
KHLESTAKOV. Oh—for one minute only—for one day—to my uncle, a rich old man. I'll be back tomorrow.
GOVERNOR. We would not venture, of course, to hold you back, and we hope for your safe return.
KHLESTAKOV. Of course, of course, I'll come back at once. Good-by, my dear—no, I simply can't express my feelings. Good-by, my heart. [Kisses Marya's hand.]
GOVERNOR. Don't you need something for the road? It seems to me you were pleased to be short of cash.
KHLESTAKOV, Oh, no, what for? [After a little thought.] However, if you like.
GOVERNOR. How much will you have?
KHLESTAKOV. You gave me two hundred then, that is, not two hundred, but four hundred—I don't want to take advantage of your mistake—you might let me have the same now so that it should be an even eight hundred.
GOVERNOR. Very well. [Takes the money out of his pocket-book.] The notes happen to be brand-new, too, as though on purpose.
KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes. [Takes the bills and looks at them.] That's good. They say new money means good luck.
GOVERNOR. Quite right.
KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, Anton Antonovich. I am very much obliged to you for your hospitality. I admit with all my heart that I have never got such a good reception anywhere. Good-by, Anna Andreyevna. Good-by, my sweet-heart, Marya Antonovna.
All go out.
Behind the Scenes.
KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, angel of my soul, Marya Antonovna.
GOVERNOR. What's that? You are going in a plain mail-coach?
KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I'm used to it. I get a headache from a carriage with springs.
POSTILION. Ho!
GOVERNOR. Take a rug for the seat at least. If you say so, I'll tell them to bring a rug.
KHLESTAKOV. No, what for? It's not necessary. However, let them bring a rug if you please.
GOVERNOR. Ho, Avdotya. Go to the store-room and bring the very best rug from there, the Persian rug with the blue ground. Quick!
POSTILION. Ho!
GOVERNOR. When do you say we are to expect you back?
KHLESTAKOV. Tomorrow, or the day after.
OSIP. Is this the rug? Give it here. Put it there. Now put some hay on this side.
POSTILION. Ho!
OSIP. Here, on this side. More. All right. That will be fine. [Beats the rug down with his hand.] Now take the seat, your Excellency.
KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, Anton Antonovich.
GOVERNOR. Good-by, your Excellency.
ANNA } MARYA} Good-by, Ivan Aleksandrovich.
KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, mother.
POSTILION. Get up, my boys!
The bell rings and the curtain drops.
ACT V
SCENE: Same as in Act IV.
SCENE I
Governor, Anna Andreyevna, and Marya Antonovna.
GOVERNOR. Well, Anna Andreyevna, eh? Did you ever imagine such a thing? Such a rich prize? I'll be—. Well, confess frankly, it never occurred to you even in your dreams, did it? From just a simple governor's wife suddenly—whew!—I'll be hanged!—to marry into the family of such a big gun.
ANNA. Not at all. I knew it long ago. It seems wonderful to you because you are so plain. You never saw decent people.
GOVERNOR. I'm a decent person myself, mother. But, really, think, Anna Andreyevna, what gay birds we have turned into now, you and I. Eh, Anna Andreyevna? High fliers, by Jove! Wait now, I'll give those fellows who were so eager to present their petitions and denunciations a peppering. Ho, who's there? [Enter a Sergeant.] Is it you, Ivan Karpovich? Call those merchants here, brother, won't you? I'll give it to them, the scoundrels! To make such complaints against me! The damned pack of Jews! Wait, my dear fellows. I used to dose you down to your ears. Now I'll dose you down to your beards. Make a list of all who came to protest against me, especially the mean petty scribblers who cooked the petitions up for them, and announce to all that they should know what honor the Heavens have bestowed upon the Governor, namely this: that he is marrying his daughter, not to a plain ordinary man, but to one the like of whom has never yet been in the world, who can do everything, everything, everything, everything! Proclaim it to all so that everybody should know. Shout it aloud to the whole world. Ring the bell, the devil take it! It is a triumph, and we will make it a triumph. [The Sergeant goes out.] So that's the way, Anna Andreyevna, eh? What shall we do now? Where shall we live? Here or in St. Pete?
ANNA. In St. Petersburg, of course. How could we remain here?
GOVERNOR. Well, if St. Pete, then St. Pete. But it would be good here, too. I suppose the governorship could then go to the devil, eh, Anna Andreyevna?
ANNA. Of course. What's a governorship?
GOVERNOR. Don't you think, Anna Andreyevna, I can rise to a high rank now, he being hand in glove with all the ministers, and visiting the court? In time I can be promoted to a generalship. What do you think, Anna Andreyevna? Can I become a general?
ANNA. I should say so. Of course you can.
GOVERNOR. Ah, the devil take it, it's nice to be a general. They hang a ribbon across your shoulders. What ribbon is better, the red St. Anne or the blue St. Andrew?
ANNA. The blue St. Andrew, of course.
GOVERNOR. What! My, you're aiming high. The red one is good, too. Why does one want to be a general? Because when you go travelling, there are always couriers and aides on ahead with "Horses"! And at the stations they refuse to give the horses to others. They all wait, all those councilors, captains, governors, and you don't take the slightest notice of them. You dine somewhere with the governor-general. And the town-governor—I'll keep him waiting at the door. Ha, ha, ha! [He bursts into a roar of laughter, shaking all over.] That's what's so alluring, confound it!
ANNA. You always like such coarse things. You must remember that our life will have to be completely changed, that your acquaintances will not be a dog-lover of a judge, with whom you go hunting hares, or a Zemlianika. On the contrary, your acquaintances will be people of the most refined type, counts, and society aristocrats. Only really I am afraid of you. You sometimes use words that one never hears in good society.
GOVERNOR. What of it? A word doesn't hurt.
ANNA. It's all right when you are a town-governor, but there the life is entirely different.
GOVERNOR. Yes, they say there are two kinds of fish there, the sea-eel and the smelt, and before you start to eat them, the saliva flows in your mouth.
ANNA. That's all he thinks about—fish. I shall insist upon our house being the first in the capital and my room having so much amber in it that when you come in you have to shut your eyes. [She shuts her eyes and sniffs.] Oh, how good!
SCENE II
The same and the Merchants.
GOVERNOR. Ah, how do you do, my fine fellows?
MERCHANTS [bowing]. We wish you health, father.
GOVERNOR. Well, my dearly beloved friends, how are you? How are your goods selling? So you complained against me, did you, you tea tanks, you scurvy hucksters? Complain, against me? You crooks, you pirates, you. Did you gain a lot by it, eh? Aha, you thought you'd land me in prison? May seven devils and one she-devil take you! Do you know that—
ANNA. Good heavens, Antosha, what words you use!
GOVERNOR [irritated]. Oh, it isn't a matter of words now. Do you know that the very official to whom you complained is going to marry my daughter? Well, what do you say to that? Now I'll make you smart. You cheat the people, you make a contract with the government, and you do the government out of a hundred thousand, supplying it with rotten cloth; and when you give fifteen yards away gratis, you expect a reward besides. If they knew, they would send you to—And you strut about sticking out your paunches with a great air of importance: "I'm a merchant, don't touch me." "We," you say, "are as good as the nobility." Yes, the nobility, you monkey-faces. The nobleman is educated. If he gets flogged in school, it is for a purpose, to learn something useful. And you—start out in life learning trickery. Your master beats you for not being able to cheat. When you are still little boys and don't know the Lord's Prayer, you already give short measure and short weight. And when your bellies swell and your pockets fill up, then you assume an air of importance. Whew! What marvels! Because you guzzle sixteen samovars full a day, that's why you put on an air of importance. I spit on your heads and on your importance.
MERCHANTS [bowing]. We are guilty, Anton Antonovich.
GOVERNOR. Complaining, eh? And who helped you with that grafting when you built a bridge and charged twenty thousand for wood when there wasn't even a hundred rubles' worth used? I did. You goat beards. Have you forgotten? If I had informed on you, I could have despatched you to Siberia. What do you say to that?
A MERCHANT. I'm guilty before God, Anton Antonovich. The evil spirit tempted me. We will never complain against you again. Ask whatever satisfaction you want, only don't be angry.
GOVERNOR. Don't be angry! Now you are crawling at my feet. Why? Because I am on top now. But if the balance dipped the least bit your way, then you would trample me in the very dirt—you scoundrels! And you would crush me under a beam besides.
MERCHANTS [prostrating themselves]. Don't ruin us, Anton Antonovich.
GOVERNOR. Don't ruin us! Now you say, don't ruin us! And what did you say before? I could give you—[shrugging his shoulders and throwing up his hands.] Well, God forgive you. Enough. I don't harbor malice for long. Only look out now. Be on your guard. My daughter is going to marry, not an ordinary nobleman. Let your congratulations be—you understand? Don't try to get away with a dried sturgeon or a loaf of sugar. Well, leave now, in God's name.
Merchants leave.
SCENE III
The same, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, then Rastakovsky.
AMMOS [in the doorway]. Are we to believe the report, Anton Antonovich? A most extraordinary piece of good fortune has befallen you, hasn't it?
ARTEMY. I have the honor to congratulate you on your unusual good fortune. I was glad from the bottom of my heart when I heard it. [Kisses Anna's hand.] Anna Andreyevna! [Kissing Marya's hand.] Marya Antonovna!
Rastakovsky enters.
RASTAKOVSKY. I congratulate you, Anton Antonovich. May God give you and the new couple long life and may He grant you numerous progeny—grand-children and great-grand-children. Anna Andreyevna! [Kissing her hand.] Marya Antonovna! [Kissing her hand.]
SCENE IV
The same, Korobkin and his Wife, Liuliukov.
KOROBKIN. I have the honor to congratulate you, Anton Antonovich, and you, Anna Andreyevna [kissing her hand] and you Marya Antonovna [kissing her hand].
KOROBKIN'S WIFE. I congratulate you from the bottom of my heart, Anna Andreyevna, on your new stroke of good fortune.
LIULIUKOV. I have the honor to congratulate you, Anna Andreyevna. [Kisses her hand and turns to the audience, smacks his lips, putting on a bold front.] Marya Antonovna, I have the honor to congratulate you. [Kisses her hand and turns to the audience in the same way.]
SCENE V
A number of Guests enter. They kiss Anna's hand saying: "Anna Andreyevna," then Marya's hand, saying "Marya Antonovna."
Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky enter jostling each other.
BOBCHINSKY. I have the honor to congratulate you.
DOBCHINSKY. Anton Antonovich, I have the honor to congratulate you.
BOBCHINSKY. On the happy event.
DOBCHINSKY. Anna Andreyevna!
BOBCHINSKY. Anna Andreyevna!
They bend over her hand at the same time and bump foreheads.
DOBCHINSKY. Marya Antonovna! [Kisses her hand.] I have the honor to congratulate you. You will enjoy the greatest happiness. You will wear garments of gold and eat the most delicate soups, and you will pass your time most entertainingly.
BOBCHINSKY [breaking in]. God give you all sorts of riches and of money and a wee tiny little son, like this. [Shows the size with his hands.] So that he can sit on the palm of your hand. The little fellow will be crying all the time, "Wow, wow, wow."
SCENE VI
More Guests enter and kiss the ladies' hands, among them Luka Lukich and his wife.
LUKA LUKICH. I have the honor.
LUKA'S WIFE [running ahead]. Congratulate you, Anna Andreyevna. [They kiss.] Really, I was so glad to hear of it. They tell me, "Anna Andreyevna has betrothed her daughter." "Oh, my God," I think to myself. It made me so glad that I said to my husband, "Listen, Lukanchik, that's a great piece of fortune for Anna Andreyevna." "Well," think I to myself, "thank God!" And I say to him, "I'm so delighted that I'm consumed with impatience to tell it to Anna Andreyevna herself." "Oh, my God," think I to myself, "it's just as Anna Andreyevna expected. She always did expect a good match for her daughter. And now what luck! It happened just exactly as she wanted it to happen." Really, it made me so glad that I couldn't say a word. I cried and cried. I simply screamed, so that Luka Lukich said to me, "What are you crying so for, Nastenka?" "Lukanchik," I said, "I don't know myself. The tears just keep flowing like a stream."
GOVERNOR. Please sit down, ladies and gentlemen. Ho, Mishka, bring some more chairs in.
The Guests seat themselves.
SCENE VII
The same, the Police Captain and Sergeants.
CAPTAIN. I have the honor to congratulate you, your Honor, and to wish you long years of prosperity.
GOVERNOR. Thank you, thank you! Please sit down, gentlemen.
The Guests seat themselves.
AMMOS. But please tell us, Anton Antonovich, how did it all come about, and how did it all—ahem!—go?
GOVERNOR. It went in a most extraordinary way. He condescended to make the proposal in his own person.
ANNA. In the most respectful and most delicate manner. He spoke beautifully. He said: "Anna Andreyevna, I have only a feeling of respect for your worth." And such a handsome, cultured man! His manners so genteel! "Believe me, Anna Andreyevna," he says, "life is not worth a penny to me. It is only because I respect your rare qualities."
MARYA. Oh, mamma, it was to me he said that.
ANNA. Shut up! You don't know anything. And don't meddle in other people's affairs. "Anna Andreyevna," he says, "I am enraptured." That was the flattering way he poured out his soul. And when I was going to say, "We cannot possibly hope for such an honor," he suddenly went down on his knees, and so aristocratically! "Anna Andreyevna," he says, "don't make me the most miserable of men. Consent to respond to my feelings, or else I'll put an end to my life."
MARYA. Really, mamma, it was to me he said that.
ANNA. Yes, of course—to you, too. I don't deny it.
GOVERNOR. He even frightened us. He said he would put a bullet through his brains. "I'll shoot myself, I'll shoot myself," he said.
MANY GUESTS. Well, for the Lord's sake!
AMMOS. How remarkable!
LUKA. It must have been fate that so ordained.
ARTEMY. Not fate, my dear friend. Fate is a turkey-hen. It was the Governor's services that brought him this piece of fortune. [Aside.] Good luck always does crawl into the mouths of swine like him.
AMMOS. If you like, Anton Antonovich, I'll sell you the dog we were bargaining about.
GOVERNOR. I don't care about dogs now.
AMMOS. Well, if you don't want it, then we'll agree on some other dog.
