Ричард Марш
Frivolities, Especially Addressed to Those Who Are Tired of Being Serious
"'I imagine, Mr. Pearson, that you are forgetting that I am married.'
"'That doesn't make any difference, does it? I should not have thought it would-to you.'
"You know, dear mamma, that I have the sweetest temper in the world. I never felt inclined to box anybody's ears before, except Geraldine's, and she is sometimes too provoking! but I did feel inclined to box his then. However, I told myself that if he forgot he was a gentleman I would not forget I was a lady.
"'Possibly, Mr. Pearson, it will cause you to keep your remarks somewhat within bounds when I tell you that this is my wedding night.'
"'Your-wedding night!'
"'Yes, my wedding night. I was married to-day.'
"As I thought of it, and of how different was the reality to the anticipation, the tears gushed to my eyes. Some men would have been touched by such a spectacle, but he was not. He began to pace about the cabin, running his fingers through his beard. All at once he began to laugh so violently that I thought he would never stop.
"'This is the best joke I ever heard,' he gasped in the middle of his mirth. 'Do you mean to say that you are starting on your honeymoon?'
"'Yes, I do.'
"'Poor devil of a Godwin! Then there is every prospect of your spending it with me. Never in my wildest dreams did I look forward to such happiness as this. Is there nothing I can offer you in the shape of consolation?'
"'The only consolation you can offer me is to show me to my berth. I am miserable; you know I am! I should have thought that no man, to whatever depths he may have sunk, would have taken advantage of a woman in my situation.'
"By this time my tears were flowing quite profusely. But they made no impression upon him. He recommenced pacing round and round the cabin. He was large, and it was small. His tramp, tramp, tramping, and the general callousness of his demeanour, agitated me to such an extent that I almost feared that I should become hysterical. Just as I began to think that I could not hold out any longer he went to the door and shouted 'Spooner!'
"I supposed he was shouting for the steward. I congratulated myself that after all he had been touched, and that I was to be shown to a berth at last. I was beginning to dry my tears when a hairy object appeared in the doorway. He was so broad in proportion to his height that I at first thought he was deformed.
"'Come in, Spooner.' The man came in. A more unlikely-looking Spooner I never saw. Really, he reminded me of nothing so much as Quasimodo. His face was all covered with hair; even his great hands were hairy. He had a pair of big black eyes, which, added to his other attractions, made him look the perfect picture of ferocity. 'This is my first officer.' Even in my grief I smiled. What could be expected of a crew which had such officers? 'You recollect, Spooner, my telling you about that old sweetheart of mine who broke me?'
"'I do.'
"You know how basses seem to produce their voices from their boots. Mr. Spooner's voice seemed to come from much lower than his boots.
"'You remember my telling you what a jade she was?'
"'I do.'
"'Well, here she is.'
"Mr. Spooner stared at me, as well he might do. For my part I was dumb. Charlie Pearson always had a graceful way of introducing a lady.
"'You remember my telling you about that Baron she jilted me for?'
"'I do.'
"'And how I used to carry a revolver about with me in my breeches pocket so that it might be handy to get a shot at him?' Mr. Spooner nodded his head. 'I used to say that if she married I'd make her a widow within a week. Well, she is married. But it's not to the Baron. It seems that she sent him to the deuce after me. She's married a man named Godwin. I suppose she thinks she can use her husbands like her sweethearts, so she has given him the slip and left him ashore. Think she's got tired of him, eh? Well, she must be pretty smart at tiring-she only married him to-day. She's starting on her honeymoon. This is her wedding night, and she's left the man ashore.'
"Mr. Spooner listened to this without even so much as blinking an eye. He stood staring at me like a great stolid bear.
"'Spooner, I've laid awake of nights wondering when she and I would meet again. I've gone half mad racking my brains, thinking what vengeance I would take. I've asked myself over and over again what I'd do to her if ever I got her in my power. Now I've got her. And I ask you what you would do if you were I?'
"'I'd forgive her.'
"'Forgive her!'
"Mr. Pearson drew a long breath. He looked at Mr. Spooner and then he looked at me.
"'That's a wrinkle. Hang me, I will forgive her! I'll treat her with contempt and let her go. What shall I do with these gimcracks? I've kept them as though they were the richest treasures from Ali Baba's cave. Here's a lock of her hair, here's a rose from her bosom, here's a shoe from her foot, here's a bundle of her letters. You know what's in them, because I've read them to you many a time.'
"These were pleasant things for me to hear.
"'Spooner, what shall I do with these?'
"'Burn 'em.'
"'So I will. Here's the lot. Give 'em to the cook, and tell him to use them in the morning to light his galley fire.'
"He thrust the various articles into Mr. Spooner's hands. You may imagine my sensations.
"Then he turned to me.
"'Now, madam, if you wish it, I will show you to your cabin.'
"I was quite unable to speak. I had never supposed it was possible that I could have been so cowed by two mere men. The truth is, that I was in such a passion that I really was beside myself. I would have given anything to have been a man to have been able to knock him down. He showed me to the cabin, and without a word he left me at the door. When I was inside I clenched my fists and stamped my foot and screamed.
"'My dear child, aren't you well?'
"I looked up. There was an old woman, sitting up in her berth, and looking at me through her spectacles.
"'Stewardess,' she cried. Then to me, 'I wish you'd go and find my husband. My name is Maunders-Griffin. Oh, I am so ill! And tell him that those anti-sea-sick lozenges have not had the least effect. I've eaten them all, and I want some more. Oh!'
"The reaction was so sudden, so extreme, that I was seized with a fit of laughter. It was impossible for me to control myself. I daresay the old woman thought that I was mad. It so exhausted me that I had to drop into a chair to save myself from falling.
"The stewardess advanced.
"'Would madam like a berth?'
"'A berth! No. I-I will go on deck.'
"The atmosphere of the cabin was unbearable; you know what a cabin is at night when it is full of women who are ill. I felt that if I stayed there long I should be ill myself. Besides, under the best conditions, I felt that in the excited state of my brain it would be impossible for me to sleep, so I went on deck.
"It was a glorious night. There was a full moon and cloudless sky. But a stiff breeze was blowing, and one soon became conscious that it bore with it a strong solution of salt spray.
"I paced up and down, trying to calm myself sufficiently to enable me to realise my situation. I suppose that never was a woman more unfortunate. What a wedding night! – that night which is supposed to be the most sacred of a woman's life. To whom was I to turn for advice, with such a captain and such a chief officer? Dear mamma, I am not ashamed to confess that I cried, really and truly cried. I sat down by the side of the ship and quite gave in.
"While I was still crying someone came behind and touched me on the shoulder.
"'If you are not well, don't you think you had better go downstairs?'
"I looked round. An old gentleman was standing behind me. He actually thought that I was sick. I was indignant.
"'Thank you. I am quite well.'
"'I-I beg your pardon. I-I thought you were affected by the motion of the sea.'
"'I am obliged to you. I am never ill on board ship. Never.'
"I think my manner rather startled him. He took off his hat and moved away. You know how I object to people who think they have a right to interfere because they happen to be old-and, generally, silly. It is such stuff. The consciousness that I had crushed him made me feel distinctly better. I sat up and looked at the sea. But as I watched the gleaming waters the old thoughts came back, and, before I knew it, again my eyes filled with tears. It was foolish, but I could not help it. I do not often cry, but I did cry then.
"I daresay I had been making rather a goose of myself-I had been crying a good long time, when again someone touched me on the shoulder. It was once more that absurd old man.
"'If you will take my advice, my dear, you will go downstairs. I am an old man, and take the liberty of addressing you.'
"Fancy calling me 'my dear,' as though I were a child! I stood up and faced him.
"'My good sir, will you leave me alone?'
"He looked at me as though he were trying to find an excuse to begin a conversation. I daresay he would have liked me to make a confidant of him.
"'I am afraid you are in trouble. I don't like to see a young lady crying alone on deck all night, especially such a young lady as you.'
"I looked at him-you know how I can look if I like-and I walked away. I walked up and down the deck, and each time I passed him I looked him full in the face-such a look! He crossed to the other side. The scent of battle was in my nostrils. I crossed too. Then he went downstairs instead of me.
"Dear mamma, I stayed on deck all night. I saw the night gradually brighten. I saw the sun rise. I saw the birth of day. And, dear mamma, you have no idea how cold it was. You remember how cold it was when we saw the sun rise on the Righi? I declare I felt it quite as cold that morning on the boat. It was bitter. I was chilled to the bone. I went downstairs and routed out the steward, and made him get me a cup of coffee. I never enjoyed anything so much. And the state I was in when I looked at the glass! I went to the ladies' cabin and put myself to rights. And there I stayed. It was not nice. But I felt that it would be still less nice to have to return to the deck and meet a crowd of men and encounter Mr. Pearson. I had quite made up my mind what I would do. I resolved that when I reached Antwerp I would first of all wire to you, then go straight to Brussels, and return by the shorter route to England. I would do it if I only had enough money to take me the whole of the way third class. If Conrad wanted me he would find me where he found me first of all-at home. My home, not his.
"I was aware, from the motion of the ship, that we had entered the Scheldt. For some time we proceeded up the river. Then, all at once, we stopped. I supposed the stoppage to be for the purpose of taking up a pilot. After a delay the boat went on again. I was thinking about all sorts of things, and was telling myself that, perhaps, after all, I had not been so good a girl as I might have been, and that sometimes I had been to blame in those little flirtations which had chequered my career-and I wonder who would not have been sentimental in such a plight as mine-when someone came to the cabin door and said:
"'Is there anyone here of the name of Godwin?'
"I sprang up, my heart in my mouth.
"'I am Mrs. Godwin!'
"'Would you mind coming up on deck?'
"Without a moment's hesitation I followed the man upstairs. I imagined that, in some mysterious way, a message had reached me from Conrad, or that perhaps he had come himself-though, unless he possessed the seven-leagued boots, how he was to spring from the Rotterdam boat to the Scheldt I never paused to reflect.
"I was in quite a tremor when I got on deck. I noticed that all the passengers were gathered together in a crowd, and that in their midst were three or four foreigners in some kind of uniform.
"One, in particular, was resplendent. On him my eyes fell. And as they did so-dear mamma, I did not disgrace you by positively fainting, but a cold chill went down my back and penetrated to the marrow of my bones. It was the Baron! Hector d'Ardigny! At his side stood Mr. Pearson. Even at that trying moment I was struck by the ludicrous contrast the one presented to the other-the Baron four feet six, Mr. Pearson six feet four. Geraldine will remember how it used to tickle me in days gone by. It tickled me then.
"As I was becoming conscious that I was the centre of attraction Mr. Pearson motioned towards me with his hand.
"'This is Mrs. Godwin.'
"I do not think that the Baron had hitherto noticed me. He noticed me then! It strikes me that up to that moment he had been engaged in glancing at Mr. Pearson. To say that at sight of me the colour of his countenance was that of a boiled beetroot is to use a trite and coarse comparison. But I do not know to what else I could compare it, unless it be to a lobster newly boiled.
"'Jennie!' he gasped. 'Miss Nash!'
"'This,' repeated Mr. Pearson, 'is Mrs. Godwin.'
"The Baron glared at Mr. Pearson. Then he glared at me. Then he sprang at Mr. Pearson.
"'Villain!' he cried. 'This is a trick you play on me!'
"Before the eyes of all the passengers he slapped the captain's face. Of course, it would have been quite easy for Mr. Pearson to have picked him up and dropped him into the water. I fancy public expectation took it for granted that the Baron would be summarily disposed of in some such fashion. If so, public expectation was wrong. Mr. Pearson did nothing of the kind. He stood quite still. He looked at the Baron. He took out his handkerchief and wiped his cheek. Then he looked at his handkerchief. Then he turned to me.
"'Be so good as to come this way.'
"Docile as a child I went that way. Mr. Pearson came after me, leading, unless I am mistaken, the Baron by his epaulette. We all three entered the captain's cabin-that apartment in which I had already spent such an agreeable twenty minutes. Mr. Pearson addressed the Baron in language which was eminently adapted to tickle the ears of a lady.
"'I've half a mind, you little brute, to choke the life right out of you. But I'll give you another chance for your skin. The fun's too good to lose. You said you wanted someone of the name of Godwin, and here is someone.'
"The Baron took off his képi. He wiped his brow. The dear little man was damp with perspiration.
"'It is someone of the name of Conrad Godwin that I want.'
"'I am Mrs. Conrad Godwin,' I observed.
"I supposed that, in some mysterious way, he had become possessed of a message either for Conrad or for me. I was not prepared for his behaviour. He dropped into a seat with an exclamation which sounded very like an execration.
"'You see, my dear Baron,' said Mr. Pearson, 'our dear Jennie has married-and she hasn't married you. She hasn't showed herself possessed of many virtues, but she has had sense enough for that. I took it for granted that you were something in the hairdressing line, from the moment I first set eyes on you.'
"The Baron paid no attention to Mr. Pearson-it was as well he didn't.
"He sat, huddled up on a chair, looking at me with gaping eyes.
"'But it is impossible that you are Mrs. Conrad Godwin!'
"'I fail to see the impossibility, for, in fact, I am. If you have a message for me, may I ask you to deliver it?'
"'Message! I have no message! I have instructions to arrest you.'
"I was startled then.
"'To arrest me!'
"'A telegram has come to detain anyone arriving by this boat of the name of Conrad Godwin. I am the chief of the police'-the Baron d'Ardigny, with his large property in the Ardennes, had sunk to a policeman-'and I am afraid that, with your husband, Mr. Conrad Godwin, you must be my prisoner.'
"'My husband, as I cannot help suspecting that you are possibly aware, does not happen to be on board.'
"'Your husband is not on board? You are travelling alone?'
"'Owing'-dear mamma, I did almost break down then, – 'owing to an unfortunate accident, my husband lost the boat. But, Baron, you must be under some delusion. Surely you are not having a jest at my expense?'
"'It is no jest! It is the truth! I am an officer.' He slapped his chest: you know the way he had when he said anything particularly absurd. 'My duty is my duty! Before that all other things must fade. If, as you say, you are Mrs. Conrad Godwin; if your husband is on board, or no matter where he is, I must proceed to your arrest.'
"'Mr. Pearson, you will not suffer this?'
"'Mrs. Godwin, I am helpless. We are in Belgium, and in Belgium we must do as the Belgians do.'
"'But the thing is monstrous! You will surely insist on this person's exhibiting the authority on which he pretends to act?'
"Mr. Pearson shrugged his shoulders. He turned to the Baron with a smile-and once he said he loved me! Man's falseness is incredible.
"'Baron, have you got the warrant in your pocket?'
"'No warrant is required. I will show madame my instructions when we reach the bureau. We are in Belgium, not in England. I would advise madame, as a friend, not to give me any trouble.'
"He arrested me! Yes, dear mamma, I spent my wedding night crying, alone, on the deck of a steamer, and at the break of day I was taken into custody. Arrested by one old lover in the presence of another. It was in this way I commenced my married life.
"I sat in the cabin on one chair, and the Baron sat on another chair in front of me, on guard! I will do him the justice to allow that he seemed quite as much at a loss as I was.
"When we reached the quay I got into an open fly; the Baron sat on the seat beside me, two policemen sat on the seat in front of me, and two more policemen kept the driver in countenance upon the box. In this way we drove through the streets of Antwerp. We arrived at the bureau. I was shown into what seemed to be a kind of office; the Baron followed me, closed the door behind him; we were alone. Directly we were alone he threw his képi on the floor. I thought the man was mad.
"'Jennie!' he cried. 'Mees Nash! What is the meaning of all this? Unfold this mystery.'
"'It is you who must do that. It is I who require an explanation from you.'
"'You have not married Monsieur Pearson?'
"'Baron d'Ardigny!'
"'How came you then to be with him on his ship?'
"'You might as well ask how I came to be the passenger of a train of which a man named Brown was guard.'
"'Oh, if you only knew what I have suffered. Your image is where it always was.' He slapped his hand against his right side, where, probably, he supposed his heart to be. 'You have treated me-ah, how you have treated me! But no matter. The past is past. It is for the future that we live. Tell me, what is it you have done?"
"'It occurs to me that I have done one thing, lost my senses.'
"'I am your friend; do not be afraid. No matter for the past. I say it is for the future that we live. Is it murder?'
"'Murder!'
"'We will say then it is not murder. Thank goodness, it is not that! But there are other things besides. Is it forgery?'
"'Forgery!'
"'Is it something you have stolen? Perhaps a little money, or some jewellery, or something of value from your friends.'
"'Baron d'Ardigny, during your acquaintance with me did I strike you as being of the material of which thieves are made?'
"'Ah, who shall say! No man can tell! There was one woman I loved before I was in love with you. She did not use me so bad as you; she was an angel! She was what you call shoplifter. One day I went to see her; she was not there. I did not see her for a long time. I thought that she was dead. One day I was in a prison; she was among the prisoners. When she saw me she laughed; she put out her tongue and winked her eye. The anguish is still here.'
"'Putting aside the question of what I have done, or left undone, perhaps you will tell me of what it is I am accused?'
"'How should I know?'
"'If you don't know, I don't know who should.'
"'It is they who are coming who shall know.'
"'And pray who is coming?' A thought occurred to me. 'Is it Conrad?'
"'Conrad! Who is Conrad? Ah! I forgot there was a Conrad.' His manner changed. Crossing his arms upon his chest he glared at me, as the bad characters sometimes glare at the Adelphi. 'Miserable! You wish to play again with me the fool!'
"Dear mamma, if you can imagine the Baron d'Ardigny as being madder than he used to be-do!
"'Baron d'Ardigny, there are one or two questions which I should like you to answer. First of all, am I to regard myself as a prisoner?'
"'Did you not use to tell me that you would be for ever mine?'
"'Never, Baron, never! – You have not favoured me with an answer to my question.'
"'Was there not a moment when I was your star of love?'
"'Not a moment, Baron. – You have not answered me. Am I, or am I not, to regard myself as a prisoner?'
"'You are a prisoner! It is as a prisoner you are here! It is as a prisoner you must treat me!'
"'I should be delighted to treat you as a prisoner. Unfortunately it appears that it is as a prisoner you are treating me.'
"'Your crimes, I do not doubt, they are as black as ink! A woman who can be as false as you-to such a woman nothing is impossible.'
"'Baron d'Ardigny, I do not know how this sort of thing is done in Belgium, but in England when they lock a person up they tell him what they lock him up for. With you, has a policeman the power of taking a person to the stationhouse for the sole purpose and pleasure of calling them names?'
"'Mees Nash-'
"'I have already informed you that I am Mrs. Godwin.'
"'So you are Mrs. Godwin! You insist! Well! At last we have arrived! Meez-sers Godwin, I tell you this. Mark carefully; I meet your husband once-for a moment. A second time-for ever-upon the field of honour.'
"I do not know if abroad policemen always speak to their prisoners as the Baron spoke to me. The inhabitants of those countries must enjoy themselves if they do. For my part, although my situation was sufficiently critical, it was all I could do to refrain from laughter. If you could only have seen how funny he looked! I do not know if he mistook my silence for admiration, but on a sudden his madness assumed a dreadful phase. He threw himself into an attitude-ask Geraldine if she has forgotten his attitudes-and apostrophised me thus: 'When I look upon that lovely face, upon those eyes of perfect blue, upon that hair of gold, upon that figure exquisite, I say to myself, "Hector, Hector d'Ardigny! you who has not been without his fortunate experience, is it possible that you cannot win the love of a creature so divine?" I answer to myself, "It is impossible."'
"I hesitated for a moment what, under the circumstances, I had better do. I saw plainly that it was no use to talk to the man. I arrived at a sudden resolution. I decided that I would try-as they say in the cookery-books-another way. As he stood with his eyes and hands raised towards the ceiling I went and I took him by the thing inside the collar of his coat-stock, I think they call it-and I shook him. I do not think he ever had a better shaking in his life. I kept at it till the thing inside the collar of his coat came loose in my hand. Then-you know he is such a little man-I lifted him off his feet and seated him on the edge of the table. The rest was silence. He looked at me, and I, for my part, looked at him.
"'Now,' I said, when I began to feel a little cooler, 'perhaps you will tell me what I am here for?'
"'Apparently,' he gasped-the little man was breathless-'to murder me.'
"'My good man, you shouldn't provoke me.'
"In a sort of unconscious soliloquy I heard him murmur:
"'Mon Dieu! Ces Anglaises!' Then with a visible shudder, 'Si elle etait ma femme!'
"'Baron d'Ardigny, if you do not wish me to shake you again you will tell me what I am here for.'
"'Inquire of Philippe.'
"'I will not inquire of Philippe-whoever Philippe may happen to be. I inquire of you. And I intend you to answer my inquiry. I suppose that I am here for something."
"'For a great deal, it seems.' His hand stole towards his neck. 'Bonne chance! Elle a cassé mon col.'
"'Answer me.'
"Dear mamma, I shook him up a little.
"'I will answer you! Par exemple! Quel hercule!'
"'Then do so.'
"'If you will permit me to stand upon my feet I will answer you at once.'
"'Answer me where you are.'
"But, mademoiselle, I am an officer. It is impossible that an officer can sit upon a table.'
"'Answer-me-at-once!' Dear mamma, I shook him again.
"'Ah, sacré nom! C'est embêtant! Will you destroy my clothing? Look into that drawer.'
"I pulled out the drawer. The first thing I saw was a telegram. I took it up.
"'Is this it?'
"'That is it! You have said! Now, perhaps, you will permit me to descend.'
"'I think, Baron, that you had better stay for a moment where you are.'
"I opened the telegram.
"'Detain Conrad Godwin coming by boat from Harwich.'
"'I fancy, M. le Baron, someone has been hoaxing you.'
"'Hoaxing me! What you mean?'
"'It strikes me that if I make public the usage to which you have subjected me, you are a ruined man.'
"'Une jolie femme! Elle marche! And if I make public the treatment which you have accorded to the chief of the police, how is that for you-eh?'
"'Very good. We will leave it so. I will communicate with our ambassador, our ambassador will communicate with your Government, your Government will communicate with you.'
"'Mees Nash, I do not understand.'
"'Baron d'Ardigny, if you call me "Mees Nash" again I shall box your ears. I was married yesterday, and, as I have already told you, I am Mrs. Conrad Godwin.'
"Dear mamma, I think I should have boxed them. He was so provoking. But while we were staring at one another-the little man looked thunderstruck! – the door of the room opened and-Conrad entered.
"'Jennie!' he cried.
"I had intended, when we did meet again, to assume towards him a dignified deportment, and to treat him with the just resentment which his conduct merited. But before I knew it I found that I was in his arms.
"I believe he kissed me-before the Baron. And I am afraid that we both of us behaved in rather a foolish way. Which is the more strange because, you know, dear mamma, I am a stickler for decorum.
"'Conrad, I thought that you had left your wife for ever?'
"'Jennie, I reached Rotterdam at 9.0 and I left by the train at 9.15, viâ Zevenbergen, for Antwerp. When I reached Antwerp they told me you were arrested.'
"'I have been arrested. This is the chief of police, who arrested me. Baron d'Ardigny, this is my husband, Mr. Conrad Godwin.'
"I suspect that the Baron, from his perch upon the table, had been edified by our proceedings.
"When I said this he sprang to the ground.
"'So! – this is Conrad Godwin! Sir, I will pull your nose.'
"Conrad was puzzled.
"'I beg your pardon?'
"'Sir, I tell you are canaille, cochon-pig! You understand?'
"Conrad turned to me.
"'Is he mad?'
"'Mad!' The Baron went mad at the bare suggestion. 'Mr. Conrad Godwin, I treat you as a gentleman. As a gentleman I tell you I will cut your throat.'
"I think he would have 'gone' for Conrad. But just then the door opened again, and a strange gentleman came in.
"'Godwin!' he cried.
"'Haynes!'
"'You have the key of the safe.'
"'I know it. I wired you that I had.'
"'Wired me! When?'
"'I wired you last night from Harwich.'
"'The deuce you have! And I have been chasing you through Ostend and Brussels! A nice muddle you have made of it. All the locksmiths and burglars in London have been retained to effect an entrance to the safe. I thought I would be even with you, so I sent them a wire to detain you.'
"'They have not detained me, but they have my wife. They have arrested her.'
"'Mrs. Godwin! – I beg ten thousand pardons!'
"He was most apologetic-really nice, mamma!" …
"P.S. – Dear mamma, the Baron lunched with us at the Hotel St. Antoine. There were four of us. I did not ask Mr. Pearson. I thought that perhaps he would not come. The Baron was charming!"
