ALL persons who, by way of joke, Point loaded guns at one another, (A state of things which ends in smoke, And murder of an aunt or brother,) Will find that it repays them well To note the tale of William Tell.
He was a patriotic Swiss, Whose skill was such with bow and arrow, He never had been known to miss A target, howsoever narrow; His archery could well defy The needle or the camel's eye.
And when the hated Austrian Invaded his belovéd country, This simple man at once began To treat the foe with calm effront'ry, And gave a sporting exhibition, To which he charged ten cents admission.
He set his son against a tree, Upon his head an apple placing, Next measured paces thirty-three, And turned about, his offspring facing, Then chose an arrow, drew his bow, — (And all the people murmured "Oh!")
No sound disturbed the morning air, (You could have heard a tea-tray falling,) Save in the virgin forest, where A chipmunk to his mate was calling, Where sang the giddy martingale, Or snaffle woo'd the genial quail.
But, drowning cry of beast or bird, There rose the hush of expectation; No whispered converse, not a word From the surrounding population; A tactful silence, as of death, While people held each other's breath.
The bow rang out, the arrow sped! Before a man could turn completely, All scatheless shone the offspring's head, The apple lay divided neatly! The ten-cent public gave a roar, And appleplectic shrieked "En-core."
They kissed the hero, clasped his hand, In search of autographs pursued him, Escorted with the local band, Cheered, banqueted and interviewed him, Demanding how he shot so well; But simple William would not Tell.
The Austrians, without a word, Retired at once across the border, And thence on William they conferred Two medals and a foreign order, (And tactfully addressed the bill "Hereditary Arch-Duke Will.")
And, in the piping times of peace, Such luxury his life was wrapt in, He got the chief-ship of police, (And made his son a Precinct Captain), Wore celluloid white cuffs and collars, And absolutely rolled in dollars.
Still, to the end, whenever Will With fiscal problems had to grapple, He called to mind his offspring's skill At balancing the homely apple, And made him use his level head At balancing accounts instead.
Diogenes
HE stopped inside a tub, from choice, But otherwise was well-conducted, Altho' he raised a rasping voice To persons who his view obstructed, And threw a boot at anyone Who robbed him of his patch of sun.
And thus he lived, without expense, Arrayed in somewhat scant apparel, His customary residence The limits of an empty barrel; (His spirits would perforce be good, Maturing slowly "in the wood.")
With lamp alight he sought at night For honest men, his ruling passion; But either he was short of sight, Or honest men were out of fashion; He never found one, so he said; — They probably were all in bed.
At last, when he was very old, He got abducted by a pirate, And to a man of Corinth sold, At an exorbitantly high rate; His owner called him "Sunny Jim," And made an indoor pet of him.
And soon, as one may well suppose, He learnt the very choicest manners, Could balance sugar on his nose, Or sit right up and smoke Havanas, Or swim into the pond for sticks, — There was no limit to his tricks.
He never tasted wine nor meat, But ate, in full and plenteous measure, Grape-Nuts and Force and Shredded Wheat, Pretending that they gave him pleasure. At length, at eighty-nine, he died, Of a too strenuous inside.
Had but this worthy cynic been A member of our favoured nation, Niagara he might have seen, And realised a new sensation, If he had set himself the task To brave the Rapids in his cask.
Or if his ghost once more began, With lighted lamp, his ancient mission, And searched the city for a man Whose honesty outsoared suspicion, We could provide him, in New York, A nice (if somewhat lengthy) walk.
MORAL
Tho' thumping tubs is easy work, With which no critic cares to quarrel, There may be charms about a Turk, Policemen even may be moral; And, tho' they never get found out, There are some honest men about.
