Frederik van Eeden
Little Johannes
XIII
The clear warm sunshine of an early spring morning shone down on the great city. Its bright rays fell into the room where Johannes lived, and on the low ceiling danced and flickered a large patch of light reflected from the rippling water in the canal. Johannes sat by the window in the sunshine, looking out over the town. Its aspect was completely changed. The grey fog was now a sheeny blue sun-mist, veiling the end of the long streets and the distant towers. The slopes of the slate roofs shone like silver. All the houses showed clear outlines and bright surfaces in the sunshine; the pale blue atmosphere was full of glittering warmth. The water seemed alive. The brown buds of the elm-trees were swollen and shiny, and loudly-chirping sparrows fluttered among the branches. A strange feeling came over Johannes as he sat looking out on it all. The sunshine filled him with sweet vague emotion, a mixture of oblivion and ecstasy. He gazed dreamily at the dancing ripples, the bursting leaf-buds; he listened to the chirping of the birds. There was gladness in their tune.
He had not for a long time felt so soft at heart, nor for many a day been so happy.
This was the sunshine of old; he knew it well. This was the sun which of yore called him forth – out into the garden where, under the shelter of a low wall, he would stretch himself on the warm ground, where he might for hours enjoy the light and heat, gazing before him at the grasses and sods basking in the glow.
He was glad in that light; it gave him a safe home-like feeling, such as he remembered long ago when his mother held him in her arms. He thought of all he had gone through, but without either grieving or longing. He sat still and mused, wishing nothing more than that the sun might continue to shine.
'What are you about, mooning there?' cried Pluizer. 'You know I do not approve of dreaming.'
Johannes looked up with absent, imploring eyes. 'Leave me alone for a little longer,' said he; 'the sun is so good!'
'What can you find in the sun?' said Pluizer. 'It is nothing, after all, but a big candle – sunlight or candlelight, it is all the same in the end. Look at the patches of light and shadow in the street – they are nothing more than the effect of a light which burns steadily and does not nicker. And that light is really quite a small flame shining on a quite small speck of the universe. Out there, beyond the blue, above and beneath, it is dark, – cold and dark! It is night there, now and always.'
But his words had no effect on Johannes. The calm warm sunbeams had penetrated him, bathed his whole soul – he was full of light and peace.
Pluizer carried him off to Doctor Cypher's cold house. For some time yet the sunny images floated before his brain; then they slowly faded away, and by the middle of the day all was dark again within him.
But when evening came he made his way through the town once more, the air was soft and full of the vapourous odours of the past. Only the fragrance was ten times stronger, and oppressed him in the narrow streets. But as he crossed the open square he smelt the grass and leaves from the country beyond. And overhead he saw the spring in the tranquil little clouds and the tender rose of the western sky. The twilight shed a soft grey mist, full of delicate tints, over the town. The streets were quiet, only a grinding organ in the distance played a love-sick tune; the houses stood out black against the crimson heavens, their fantastic pinnacles and chimneys stretching up like numberless arms.
To Johannes it was as though the sun were giving him a kind smile as he shed his last beams over the great city – kind, like the smile which seals a pardon. And the warmth stroked Johannes's cheek with a caress.
Deep tenderness came over his soul, so great that he could walk no farther, but lifted up his face to the wide heavens with a deep sigh. The Spring was calling to him and he heard it. He longed to answer – to go. His heart was full of repentance and love and forgiveness. He gazed up with longing tears flowing from his sad eyes.
'Come, Johannes! do not behave so strangely; people are staring at you!' cried Pluizer.
The long monotonous rows of houses stretched away on each side, gloomy and repulsive – an offence in the soft atmosphere, a discord in the voices of the Spring.
The folk were sitting at their doors and on the steps, to enjoy the warmth. To Johannes this was a mockery. The squalid doors stood open and the stuffy rooms within awaited their inhabitants. The organ was still grinding out its melancholy tune in the distance.
'Oh, if I could but fly away – far away! To the sand-hills and the sea!'
But he must needs go home to the little garret room; and that night he could not sleep.
He could not help thinking of his father, and of the long walks he had been used to take with him, when he trotted ten yards behind, or his father traced letters for him in the sand. He thought of the spots where the violets grew under the brushwood, and of the days when he and his father had hunted for them. All the night he saw his father's face just as he had seen him in the evenings when he sat by his side in the silence and lamplight, watching him and listening to the scratching of his pen.
Every morning now he asked Pluizer when he might once more go home to his father, and see the garden and the sand-hills again. And he perceived now that he had loved his father more than Presto, or his little room, for it was of him that he asked —
'Tell me how he is, and if he is not angry with me for staying away so long.'
Pluizer shrugged his shoulders. 'Even if I could tell you, what good would it do you?'
But the spring still called him, louder and louder. Night after night he dreamed of the dark green moss and the downs, and the sunbeams falling through the fine, fresh verdure.
'I can bear it no longer,' thought Johannes. 'I cannot stay.'
And as he could not sleep he softly got out of bed, went to the window, and looked out on the night. He saw the drowsy, fleecy clouds slowly sailing beneath the full moon, peacefully floating in a sea of pale light. He thought of the downs far away, sleeping through the warm night; how beautiful it must be in the low woods where none of the baby leaves would be stirring, and where the air was smelling of damp moss and young birch sprouts! He fancied he could hear the rising chorus of frogs, sounding mysteriously from afar over the meadows, and the pipe of the only bird which accompanies the solemn stillness – which begins its song with such soft lament and breaks off so suddenly that the silence seems more still than before. And it called to him – everything called to him. He bowed his head on the window-sill and sobbed in his sleeve.
'I cannot, I cannot bear it! I shall die soon, if I do not get away!'
When Pluizer came to call him next day he was still sitting by the window, where he had fallen asleep with his head on his arm.
The days went by, longer and warmer, and still there was no change. But Johannes did not die, and had to bear his troubles.
One morning Doctor Cypher said to him —
'Come with me, Johannes; I have to visit a sick man.'
Doctor Cypher was well known as a learned man, and many appealed to him for help against disease and death. Johannes had already gone with him on such errands now and then. Pluizer was unusually cheerful that morning. He would at times stand on his head, dance and leap, and play all sorts of impudent tricks. He wore a constant mysterious grin, as though he had a surprise in store for some one. Johannes dreaded him most in this mood.
Doctor Cypher was as grave as ever. They went a long way that morning, in a train, and on foot. They went farther than Johannes had ever been before outside the town.
It was a fine hot day. Johannes, looking out from the train, saw the broad green fields fly past, with tall feathery grasses and grazing kine. He saw white butterflies flitting over the flowery land where the air quivered with the heat of the sun.
But suddenly he saw a gleam in the distance. – There lay the long undulating stretch of sand-hills.
'Now, Johannes,' said Pluizer with a grin, 'now you have your wish, you see.'
Johannes, half incredulous, sat gazing at the sand-hills. They came nearer and nearer. The long ditches on each side of the railway seemed to whirl round a distant centre, and the little houses flew swiftly past and away down the road.
Then came some trees: thickly green horse-chestnut trees, covered with thousands of spikes of pink and white blossoms – dark, blue-green pines – tall, spreading lime-trees. It was true, then, – he was going to see his sand-hills once more. The train stopped; they all three jumped out, under verdurous shade.
Here was the deep, green moss, here were the flecks of sunshine on the ground under the forest-trees – this was the fragrance of birch-buds and pine-needles.
'Is it real – is it true?' thought Johannes. 'Can such happiness befall me?'
His eyes sparkled and his heart beat high. He began to believe in his happiness. He knew these trees and this soil. He had often trodden this forest-path.
They were alone here. But Johannes could not help looking round, as though some one were following him. And he fancied that between the oak boughs he caught sight of a dark figure hiding itself, as they threaded the last turns of the path.
Pluizer looked at him with mysterious cunning. Doctor Cypher hurried forward, with long strides, keeping his eyes on the ground.
At each step the way was more familiar – he knew every stone and every shrub – and suddenly Johannes started violently: he stood before his old home.
The horse-chestnut in front of the house spread the shade of its large, fingered leaves. Above him the beautiful white flowers, and thick, round mass of foliage towered high overhead. He heard the sound of an opening door which he knew well – and he smelt the peculiar smell of his own home. He recognised the passage, the doors, everything, bit by bit – with a keen pang of lost familiarity. It was all a part of his life – of his lonely dreamy childhood. He had held council with all these things, had lived with them his own life of thoughts – to which he had admitted no human being. But now he felt himself dead, as it were, and cut off from the old house, with its rooms and passages and doorways. The severance, he knew, was irremediable, and he felt as melancholy and woeful as though he had come to visit a graveyard. If only Presto had sprung out to meet him, it would have been less dreary. But Presto, no doubt, was gone or dead.
But where was his father?
He looked back through the open door out into the sunny garden, and saw the man who, as he had fancied, was following them on the way, coming towards the house. He came nearer and nearer, and seemed to grow in stature as he approached. When he reached the door a vast cold shadow filled the entrance. Then Johannes knew him.
There was perfect silence indoors, and they went up-stairs without speaking. There was one step which always creaked under foot as Johannes knew; and now he heard it creak three times with a sound like a groan of pain. But under the fourth footstep it was like a deep sob.
Above stairs, Johannes heard moaning, as low and as regular as the slow ticking of a clock. It was a heart-rending and doleful sound. The door of his own little room stood open; he timidly glanced in. The strange flowers on the curtains stared at him with unmeaning surprise. The clock had stopped. They went on to the room whence the groaning came. It was his father's bedroom. The sun shone in brightly, on the green bed-curtains which were drawn close. Simon, the cat, sat on the window-sill, in the sun. There was an oppressive smell of wine and camphor; the low moaning now sounded close at hand.
Johannes heard whispering voices and carefully softened footsteps. Then the green curtains were opened.
He saw his father's face, which had so often risen before him during the last few weeks. But it was quite different. The kind, grave expression had given way to a rigid look of suffering, and his face was ashy pale, with brown shadows. The teeth showed through the parted lips, and the white of the eyes under the half-closed lids. His head lay sunk in pillows, and was lifted a little with every moaning breath, falling back wearily after each effort.
Johannes stood by the bed without stirring, staring with wide fixed eyes at the well-known features. He did not know what he thought; he dared not move a finger, he dared not take the wan old hands, which lay limp on the white linen sheet.
All about him was black, the sun and the bright room, the greenery outside and the blue air he had come in from – all the past was black – black, heavy and impenetrable. And that night he could see nothing but that pale face. He could think of nothing but the poor head which seemed so weary, and yet was lifted again and again with a groan of anguish.
But there was a change in this regular movement. The moaning ceased, the eyes slowly opened and stared about inquiringly, while the lips tried to say something.
'Good-morning, father,' whispered Johannes, looking into the seeking eyes and trembling with terror. The dim gaze rested on him, and a faint, faint smile moved the hollow cheeks; the thin clenched hand was lifted from the sheet and made a feeble movement towards Johannes, but it dropped again, powerless.
'Come, come,' said Pluizer. 'No scenes here.'
'Get out of the way, Johannes,' said Doctor Cypher. 'We must see what can be done.'
The Doctor began his examination, and Johannes went away from the bed-side and stood by the window, looking out at the sunlit grass and broad chestnut leaves on which large flies were sitting which shone blue in the sun.
The groaning began again with the same regularity.
A blackbird was hopping among the tali grass, large red and black butterflies fluttered over the flower-beds, and from the topmost boughs of the highest trees a soft, tender cooing of wood-pigeons, fell on Johannes's ear. In the room the moaning went on – without ceasing. He could not help listening – and it came as regularly, as inevitably as the falling drip which may drive a man mad. He watched anxiously at every interval and it always came again – as awful as the approaching footsteps of Death.
And outside, warm and rapturous delight in the sunshine reigned. Everything was basking and happy. The blades of grass thrilled and the leaves whispered for sheer gladness. High above the trees in the deep, distant blue, a heron was soaring on lazy wing.
Johannes did not understand – it was all a mystery to him. Everything was confused and dark in his soul —
'How can all this exist in me at the same time?' thought he. 'Am I really myself? Is that my father – my own father? Mine – Johannes's?' And it was as though a stranger spoke.
It was all a tale which he had heard. He had heard some one tell of Johannes, and of the house where he dwelt with his father from whom he had run away, and who was now dying. This was not himself – he had only heard of it all; and indeed it was a sad story, – very sad. But it had nothing to do with him.
And yet – and yet. – It was he himself, Johannes.
'I cannot understand the case,' said Doctor Cypher, pulling himself up. 'It is a very mysterious attack.'
Pluizer came up to Johannes.
'Come and look, Johannes; it is a very interesting case. The Doctor knows nothing about it.'
'Leave me alone,' said Johannes, without turning round. 'I cannot think.'
But Pluizer went close behind him and whispered sharply in his ear, as was his wont —
'You cannot think? Did you fancy that you could not think? That is a mistake. You must think. Staring out like this at the green grass and the blue sky will do no good. Windekind will not come to you. And the sick man is sinking fast; that you must have seen as clearly as we did. But what is his disorder, do you think?'
'I do not know! – I do not want to know!'
Johannes said no more, but listened to the moaning; it sounded like a gentle complaint and reproach. Doctor Cypher was taking notes in a book. At the head of the bed sat the dark figure which had followed them in; his head was bowed, his lean hand extended towards the sick man, and his hollow eyes steadfastly gazing at the clock.
That sharp whisper in his ear began again.
'Why are you so unhappy, Johannes? You have got what you wished for. There lie the sand-hills, there is the sunshine through the verdure, there are the dancing butterflies, the singing birds. What more do you want? Are you waiting for Windekind? If he exists anywhere, it must be there. Why does he not come to you? He is frightened, no doubt, by our dark friend by the bed. He always has been afraid of him. Don't you see, Johannes, that it was all fancy? And listen to the moaning. It is weaker than it was just now. You can hear that it will soon cease altogether. Well, and what matter? Many folks must have groaned just so when you were at play here among the wild roses. Why do you now sit here grieving instead of going out to the sand-hills as you used to do? Look! Out there everything is as flowery and fragrant as if nothing had happened. Why do you care no more for all the gladness of that life?
'First you complained and longed to be here. Now I have brought you where you yearned to be, and yet you are not content. See. I will let you go – go out into the tall grass, lie in the cool shade, let the flies hum about you, and breathe the perfume of growing herbs. You are free! Go. Find Windekind once more. You will not? Then do you now believe in me alone? Is all I have told you true? Am I or is Windekind the false one?
'Listen to the moans! So short and feeble! They will soon be stilled. But do not look so terrified, Johannes, the sooner it is ended, the better. There could be no long walks now, no more seeking for violets together. With whom has he wandered these two years, do you think, while you were away? You can never ask him now. You can never know. If you had known me a little earlier you would not look so wretched now. You are a long way yet from being what you must become. Do you think that Doctor Cypher in your place would look as you do? It would sadden him no more than it does the cat blinking there in the sunshine. And it is best so. Of what use is brooding sorrow? Have the flowers learnt to grieve? They do not mourn if one of them is plucked. Is not that far happier? They know nothing, and that is why they are thus content. You have begun to know something; now you must learn everything to become happy. I alone can teach you. All, or nothing.
'Listen to me. What is there remarkable in your father's case? It is the death of a man – that is a common occurrence. Now do you hear the gasping? Weaker still! It must be very near the end!'
Johannes looked at the bed in agonised fear.
Simon the cat jumped down from the window-sill, stretched himself, and then, still purring, lay down on the bed by the dying man.
The poor weak head moved no longer; it lay still, sunk in the pillows, but the short, dull panting still came through the half-open mouth.
It grew weaker and weaker till it was scarcely audible.
Then Death took his hollow eyes off the clock and looked at the weary head; he raised his hand. Then all was still.
A grey shadow fell on the rigid features.
Silence, oppressive, unbroken silence!
Johannes sat and sat, waiting. But the regular sound was heard no more. All was still – a great, murmuring stillness.
The tension of the last hours of listening was over, and to Johannes it seemed that his soul had been let fall down into black and bottomless space. Deeper and deeper he fell. All about him grew darker and more silent.
Then he heard Pluizer's voice as if it were a long way off.
'There! That tale is told.'
'That is well,' said Doctor Cypher. 'Now you can see what was wrong with him. I leave that to you. I must be off.'
Still, as if half-dreaming, Johannes saw the gleam of bright knives. The cat set her back up. It was cold by the corpse, and she returned to the sunshine.
Johannes saw Pluizer take a knife, which he examined carefully, and then went up to the bed.
Then he shook off his lethargy. Before Pluizer could get to the bed he stood in front of him.
'What do you want?' he asked. His eyes were wide open with horror.
'We must see what he died of,' said Pluizer.
'No,' said Johannes, and his voice was as deep as a man's.
'What is the meaning of this?' said Pluizer, with a glare of rage. 'Can you hinder me? Do you not know how strong I am?'
'I will not have it,' said Johannes. He drew a deep breath and set his teeth, staring firmly at Pluizer, and put out his hand against him.
But Pluizer came nearer. Then Johannes gripped him by the wrists and struggled with him.
Pluizer was strong; he knew that; nothing had ever been able to resist him. But he did not leave go, and his will was steadfast.
The knife gleamed before his eyes; he seemed to see sparks and red flames, but he did not give in, and wrestled on. He knew what would happen if he yielded. He knew – he had seen it before. But that which lay behind him was his father, and he would not see it now.
And while he panted and struggled, the dead body lay stretched out motionless, just as it was lying when the silence fell; the white of the eyes visible through a narrow opening, the corners of the mouth curled to a ghastly smile. Only as the two knocked against the bed in their wrestling, the head gently moved a little.
Still Johannes held his own. His breath came hard and he could not see; a blood-red mist was before his eyes – and still he stood firm.
Then gradually the resistance of those wrists grew weaker in his grasp, his muscles relaxed, his arms fell limp by his sides and his clenched hands were empty.
When he looked up Pluizer had vanished. Death sat alone by the bed and nodded to him.
'That was well done, Johannes,' said he.
'Will he come back again?' whispered Johannes. Death shook his head.
'Never. Those who have once defied him, never see him again.'
'And Windekind? Shall I ever see Windekind again?'
The gloomy man gazed long at Johannes. His look was no longer terrible, but gentle and grave. It seemed to allure Johannes like some great deep.
'I alone can take you to Windekind. Through me alone can you find the Book.'
'Then take me too, there is no one left. Take me with you as you have taken others. I want nothing more.'
But again Death shook his head.
'You love men, Johannes. You do not know it, but you have always loved them. You must grow up to be a good man. It is a very fine thing to be a good man.'
'I do not want that – take me with you.'
'You are mistaken; you do want it; you cannot help it.'
The tall dark figure became dim in Johannes' sight – it melted into a vague shape – a formless grey mist filled its place and floated away on the sunbeams.
Johannes bowed his head on the edge of the bed and mourned for the dead man.
