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Douglas Alfred Bruce
The Placid Pug, and Other Rhymes

 
And reigning so defies the envious Bream,
Who sneers and shrugs and sniggers in the sea.
 
 
Type of the wise, who roar but never foam
(If they can help it) at the mouth, except
When night and morn they brush their teeth at home
With pallid powder for that purpose kept.
 

VERSICLES FOR VEGETARIANS

 
SINCE Dr. Watts in frenzy fine
Extolled the "busy Bee,"
The patience of the Porcupine,
The Newt's fidelity,
The calm contentment of the Pike,
Have stirred our hearts and brain alike.
 
 
Lives there a man so lost, so low,
That he has never found
Some lesson in the Buffalo,
Some precept in the Hound?
Few who have won Victoria's cross
Owe nothing to the Albatross.
 
 
These pleasant thoughts must turn our minds,
In meditation quiet,
Towards the moral law that binds
The principles of diet.
Since 'tis a maxim none disputes,
That we should imitate the brutes.
 
 
As has been shown in former verse,
The animal creation
Does not in its own nature nurse
Inebriate inclination;
Nor is it formed by Heaven to pant
For alcoholic stimulant.
 
 
That being so, our path is plain,
We must eschew all drinks;
If we are anxious to attain
To the celestial brinks,
The meanest Hippopotamus
Will make our duty clear to us.
 
 
But in the search for Natural guides
To moral food-restrictions,
We are assaulted on all sides
By patent contradictions.
Thus, while the Lion lives on meat,
The Pheasant is content with wheat.
 
 
Who then, when beasts do not agree,
Shall venture to decide?
Some will adopt the Chimpanzee
And some the Fox as guide,
Others the Bear or Antelope,
Nature allows the fullest scope.
 

HYMN FOR HOWLERS

 
WHO that has sailed upon the ocean's face,
Or walked beside the sea along the sand,
Has not felt envy for the piscine race,
Comparing its domain, where noise is banned,
To the infernal racket that takes place
On land?
 
 
While up above the billows rage and roar
And make a most unnecessary noise,
And shallow Shrimps, who live too near the shore,
Are harassed by the shouts of girls and boys,
Who find the beach a place convenient for
Their toys,
 
 
The happy members of the Fishy clan
Pursue in peace their various pursuits,
All undisturbed by bell of muffin-man,
Or bellow of purveyor of fresh fruits,
Who at each "Pub" his voice republican
Recruits.
 
 
The harmless Herring gambols with his young,
And heeds but hears not their impulsive play.
(His heart is with their mother who was flung,
Kippered to feed a clerk's bank-holiday,
Into the salting-tub and passed unsung
Away.)
 
 
Now, had this Herring been of human breed,
And lived in London or some other town,
Fate would have made him hear as well as heed
His offspring as it gambolled up and down,
Making a noise that's very hard indeed
To drown.
 
 
Moreover, organ-grinders would have ground,
And yowls from both "employed" and "unemployed";
Hoarse howls from those who had "salvation" found,
And bawls from those whose faith had been destroyed,
Would have combined to keep his sense of sound