Butler Ellis Parker
The Great American Pie Company

“Surely, surely,” replied Phineas.

“All right,” continued Eph. “S’pose them cotton-growers down South an’ them timber-growers up North wouldn’t let us have no cotton or no timber. What then?”

Phineas nodded that he comprehended the wisdom of the deduction.

“You’re right, Eph,” he said. “American Pie has got to buy out the timber-belt an’ the cotton-belt. I’m glad you thought of it. It shows you take an interest in the business, even if you did interrup’ me when I was thinkin’ on a mighty important point.”

“What’s that?” asked Eph. “We got to buy out the railroads,” said Phineas. “Once we own them, we can get proper freight rates.”

“Ain’t you afraid mebby some of them foreign countries ‘ll ship in flour or fruit or crackers?” asked Eph.

“How can they when we put the tariff up, like we will?” asked Phineas. “Course, while we’re buyin’ up these other things, we’ve got to buy up Congress.”

“Phin!” exclaimed Eph, suddenly, “we’ll have a dickens of a tax-bill to pay.”

“We’ll swear off our taxes,” said Phineas, shortly.

Eph relapsed into meditation. “Why, Phin,” he said at length, “we’ll be as good as bosses of these United States, won’t we?”

“Surely we will,” Phin replied.

“Do you suppose I’m doin’ all this work an’ takin’ all this worry just fer the money? What do I care fer a few millions more or less, Eph, when I’ve got millions an’ millions? What I want is power. I want to have this here nation so that when I say, ‘Come!’ it will come, an’ when I say, ‘Go!’ it will go, an’ when I say, ‘Dance!’ it will dance.”

He stood up and inflated his thin breast, and tapped it with his forefinger.

“Eph,” he said, “with this here American Pie Company goin’, you an’ me can go an’ say to them big trust men, ‘Eat dirt,’ an’ they’ll eat it an’ be glad to git off so easy. We can – ”

He paused and glanced up the road uneasily. He shaded his eyes and looked closely at the distant figure of a stout woman who was waddling in their direction.

“Skip!” he exclaimed; “here comes your wife!”

Eph rolled over and made a dash on his hands and knees for his basket of pies. Phineas was already walking rapidly up the road.

CHAPTER FIVE

The stout woman was not Mrs. Deacon. She turned off the street before the truant pie-men had gone many steps, and they returned to the grass beside the bridge. For some reason they were not so jubilantly hopeful.

“Dog it!” said Eph, as they seated themselves in the shade, “I wish t’ goodness I hadn’t mashed that pie on you, Phin. I don’t know what on earth I’m goin’ to say to her about it. She’s pesky stingy with her pies these days.”

“Same way up to my house,” said Phineas; “but that’ll all be different when we get the American Pie Company goin’. I guess we’ll likely have pie every day then, hey? An’ not have nobody’s nails in our hair, neither.”

“Speakin’ of nails,” said Eph, but not enthusiastically, “think we’d better make our own nails. We’ll need a lot of ‘em, to crate up pies an’ bread to ship.”

“Yes,” said Phineas; “an’ we’ll just take over the steel business while we’re about. We’ll have a department to do buildin’; there ain’t any use payin’ other folks a big profit to build our mills, an’ we might as well do buildin’ fer other folks. An’ we’ll need steel rails fer our railroads.”

Eph began to grow enthusiastic again.

“We’d ought to build our own mines, too,” he suggested.

“An’ run our own stores to sell our bread an’ pies in every town,” said Phin.

“An’ our own cannin’ factories to can our fruit,” said Eph.

“An’ our own can-factories to make the cans,” added Phin.

“We’ll have our own tin-an’ iron-mines, of course,” said Eph. “An’ our own printin’-shops fer labels an’ advertisin’ an’ showbills.”

“Better buy out the magazines an’ newspapers. We can use ‘em,” said Phin.

“Yes,” agreed Eph, “an’ have our own paper-mills.”

“Certainly,” said Phineas, “there’s good money in all them. We’ll make more than them that’s runnin’ of ‘em now. We’ll economize on help.”

“That’s right,” said Eph. “By consolidatin’ we can do away with one-third of the help. We’ll have a whoppin’ big pay-roll as it is.”